Hooten and the Lady (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Egypt

1 ALEX: This region, South of Saqqara, may appear just baren desert.
Once we combine the satellite's high-resolution cameras with infrared technology, the city's true boundaries are finally revealed.
Note the significant structure at the end of this avenue, which my research indicates is the Ala shrine.
Which contains the key to the location of the long lost tomb of Alexander the Great.
(INDISTINCT QUIET CHATTER) Time is of the essence.
Please, permit me to excavate and I can prove it.
ELLA: You must be so frustrated.
I can't believe he said no.
The evidence is overwhelming.
ALEX: Apparently computer graphics can be easily faked.
CLIVE: Faked? We are the British Museum.
This technology costs a fortune.
Is Mr Hooten any help? ALEX: Not today, he's back at the hotel.
Target Gohar.
He's head of Antiquities there.
I went to Cambridge with him.
Tell him GG sent you.
"Gee-gee"? Is that a horse? Uh No, no, as in Ganja Girl? - (GIGGLES) - And I'm not suggesting you take him hash cakes.
He'll definitely remember me.
And it might get you an audience with him.
You are my secret weapon.
Thank you, Ella.
CLIVE: You learn something new every day.
The shrine is here, I'm sure of it.
All the evidence suggests it was burried in earthquake of 946.
GOHAR: I do not doubt your research, Lady Alex.
But my hands are tied.
Doctor Yannaras and his team are already excavating this area.
They're digging in the wrong place.
We need to protect this new site immediately, before some criminal low life comes along - - and desecrates it for their own squalid mercenary ends.
(CHIRPPING OF BIRDS AND INSECTS) (BEEPING) (GUN COCKS) (SUSPENSE MUSIC) It's okay.
I'm an archeologist.
(SHORT BEEP) (LOUD EXPLOSION) (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) (LOUD EXPLOSIONS) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - What's happening? - Is it militants? (EXPLOSION) (INDISTINCT SCREAMING) Doctor, remain inside, let us deal with this.
(EXPLOSION) (SHOOTING) (MUSIC STOPS) (PHONE RINGS) - (CLASSICAL MUSIC) - Sorry.
(PHONE RINGING LOUDER) - HOOTEN: Alex! - I know you're bored, but I'm busy trying to get clearance to excavate the site.
No need, I skipped that stage! You did what? - Why can I hear gunfire? - 'Cause I'm being shot at.
I said, stay in the hotel! What have you done?! Funny story.
You know that shrine entrance you said was here? It isn't where you frickin' said it was.
(LOUD CRASHING NOISE) Never mind.
I never doubted you for a second.
(GUNFIRE) (SHORT BEEP) (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) - Take cover! - (MEN SCREAMING) (FALLING ROCKS) [EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"] Transcribed and synced by vivelalto, Bird and LittleDuck Doo-Wop Refrain I set up camp in the center of town Ready for freedom when it all comes down Snapping my fingers, walking around I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown Got a bus pass to make my way From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day I got a talisman tote with the whole array And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away YANNARAS: Professor Gohar! As-salam Aleikum - Lady Alexandra.
- Doctor Yannaras.
On behalf of the Greek government, I I trust you will be extending our site to include this exciting new discovery? Unfortunately I've already applied to excavate this site on behalf of the British Museum.
To display as many treasures alongside Lord Eldon's stolen mangos, no doubt.
(LAUGHS) She knows you too well, Doctor.
Thank you.
GOHAR: Lady Alex is here as my guest only.
No permits have been issued yet.
But We'll find an equitable solution, I'm sure.
No sign of the intruder.
And no other exists.
But he must be burried in the rubble.
GOHAR: A fitting end for one so worthless.
Thank you, captain.
Ehm Shall we? (MAJESTIC MUSIC) Alexander the Great.
YANNARAS: His final resting place.
ALEX: Until 641 AD, yes.
When the Arabs occupied this country the Persians moved his body to another secret temple.
Uh GOHAR: Careful.
This is not your grandmother's couch.
YANNARAS: Worthless.
A soldier, man servant.
- No one of rank.
- What did you expect? I told you, Alexander was moved.
He might have been.
I'd prefer to confirm that for myself.
There is a second coffin in the antechamber.
ALEX: - Mm-mm.
- Come.
(SLOW ARABIC MUSIC) Mummified corpses weren't laid on caftans.
I'd get out now, before Yannaras remembers that.
(WISPERING) What are you doing? Besides finding your shrine? You nearly destroyed it.
What kind of person uses explosives to excavate a secret site? A pretty damn successful one.
And we gotta be first to find the key to all the treasure in Alexander's tomb.
I knew employing you was a mistake.
You can always just give me a finders fee and we can call it quits.
(SCOFFS) I thought so.
Go get me one of those guards and disctract the others.
Wh Nothing.
Not even a body.
Perhaps the looter did manage to survive after all.
Notify your Captain.
I want this temple searched again thoroughly.
Ehm, hi! Uh I think I left my sunglasses in the main chamber.
Would you mind looking for them for me? Thank you so much.
Uh this is, uh, an intriguing anomaly.
Possibly a clue to understanding the secrets of this shrine.
The elephant in the battle scene signifies that Alexander's opponent was King Porus of the Punjabi region.
Uh, but if we, uh, look more closely at these soldiers that Alexander is fighting, it's quite clear that their uniforms are - Per - Persian.
Not Punjabi.
Yes! Darius of Persia fought only with horses.
ALEX: That must mean something.
We should examine the symbolic WITH DISTORTED VOICE: of the Persian artefacts Every frieze, every fresco possibly a clue to understand the secrets (MEN'S DISTANT VOICES) (TENSION BUILDING) (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) Over here! (MEN START SHOUTING) You snooze, you lose! (GUNSHOTS) (GUNFIRE) Let's hope the only thing he stole was that uniform.
Indeed.
Your hopes are misplaced.
Look.
ALEX: The medaillon from the shield.
(FAR WEST MUSIC) Telling you, Samir, this woman is seriously hazardous to my health.
Every time we're together some nutjob tries to kill me but does she gives a rat's ass? SAMIR: I am thinking no.
- Damn straight.
- And, thanks.
Once she's got what she wants I'm totally dispensable.
And that's cold, right? But also a little hot.
I think maybe this is really a problem.
You need to put that money away unless you are looking for trouble.
What kind of trouble did you have in mind? - I'm not a hooker.
- Me neither.
- Except for this one time in Caracas.
- Oh yeah.
There was another time in Amsterdam.
Name's Hooten.
Melina.
- You won't get me drunk.
- Yes, I will.
Let's just roll the dice and see what happens, huh? (HIP-HOP MUSIC) Did you rob a bank or something? I stole a jeep.
Then I sold it.
MELINA: Come on, come on.
(HAPPY SHOUTING) Well, maybe you'll get lucky another way, huh? Maybe I will.
- Where did you get that? - Same place as the jeep.
We're not finished yet.
All the money, yeah? For this.
Highest number, winner takes all, yeah? MELINA: Are you sure? The medaillon looks priceless.
Yeah, and if I win, things could get ugly so you might wanna get out of here, get some wheels, and keep the engine running.
Just in case.
Crazy man.
Good luck.
You're first, Slim.
(DICE ROLLS) (CHEERING) Come on baby, don't let me down now.
(QUIET CROWD) Tough break, brother.
But, you know, we've all had bad beats.
You've just persuaded me to leave the money and the medaillon and walk away.
All right, I don't want any trouble.
Just (SCARED SHOUT) (ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING ROCK) Can't blame a guy for trying.
(LOUD INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GLASSES BREAKING) Go! You call this a gettaway vehicle? Like I can afford a car! If this thing doesn't go any faster, we're in big trouble.
(BOTH PANTING) Sorry to interrupt.
But you and I need to talk alone.
So if you can ask you new friend to go.
Nice tatoo by the way.
- Is that a poenix? - Who the hell is this? I'm his wife! - Okay.
- Look, you tell her that darling, funny.
Melina, she is not my wife.
Just give me a minute, okay? Take as long as you like, I'm out of here.
You are not my wife.
(DOOR SLAMS) (SAD INTRIGUING MUSIC) (GLASS CLINCKS) Well, I was about to get laid, so this better be good.
Where's the medaillon? I know you took it.
Just please God say you haven't sold it yet.
I borrowed it.
So a friend of mine can make some cheap knock-offs.
The treasure in Alexander's tomb is worth over a billion dollars.
What do you think I'm doing here? I think you're jeopardizing our discovery for the sake of a petty little scam.
I owed him a favor.
He's got kids, he needs the money.
That's very laudable, but now we have a problem - in the form of that stolen medaillon.
- No.
What we have, is a crucial piece of the puzzle which our opponents don't.
Which means, we can find the tomb first.
You're welcome.
I mean, technically speaking, they're our partners so I'm I'm morally obliged to share any new information.
Tenichally speaking, they're not my partners, you are.
Don't you wanna be the one to find it? Oh, don't prentend like we're not doing this.
Did that woman see this, did you show it to her? Yeah.
But she was into me long before that.
Did you ask yourself why? I mean, would I really have to? There is an ancient Greek society called the Filiki Eteria.
Its members have been searching for Alexander's tomb for centuries.
Yeah.
Still not seeing the connection.
Its symbol is a Phoenix.
Oh, come on.
You can't even give me that? It bugged you, didn't it? Seeing me and her about to touch belly buttons Uh It was fairly nauseating, actually.
No there's a definite subtext.
Is it saying "Don't blow your own trumpet"? You should just be careful.
Okay? (DOOR CLOSES) There's some kind of Hieratic text on its rim.
It's very unusual.
Yeah, it's-it's the fusion ELLA: of early to middle demotic, I think? I'll get you a translation ASAP.
Thank you, Ella.
The medaillon is the key, I'm sure of it.
Just possessing it puts you at risk.
So, make sure that lump of a hunk keeps close guard, okay? Trust me, we're safer apart.
Always carry an insect repellent.
Just one squirt in the eye it never fails.
CLIVE: It's an important find, Alex.
But we can't have our employees blowing up sites and looting the content! I know.
He's just a bit of a loose canon.
Do you want me to cancel his contract? No, on the contrary.
His unortodox methods are proven be rather successful.
But just make certain that our association with him remains discreet.
Can't risk being compromised.
Or held accountable.
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC) (SNORING) (GASPS) Hooten.
Hey.
Hi I thought I would come back and give you a second chance.
Make sure you're okay.
And to get the medaillon, of course.
You wanna tell me where you've hidden it? It's going to hurt like hell if you don't.
It's not here.
(MELINA SIGHS) He must have given it to the girl.
Try next door.
Go.
HOOTEN: No, she checked out! We had a fight.
She's at the Hilton.
He's lying.
Quickly, go! (MUFFLED YELLING) Ale! I expected better.
HOOTEN: Watch out, Alex! MELINA: Keep your mouth shut! HOOTEN NEXT DOOR: What's happening? (KICKS HIM) Talk to me! Please, just shut up! (HARD ROCK) - Incoming! - Huh.
Oh, my God.
A bit handicapped here.
I think one of them has the key.
- Where - I do.
Come and get it.
FYI, get ready, you might wanna bring your A game.
Yes, thank you.
(GROWLING) (GLASS BREAKING) That's your A game? (ALEX MOANS) Nice pyjamas.
Oh my God.
MELINA: Alright.
Alex? What? Alex, the dropped something.
Later.
(ALEX MOANS) She should have let me seduce it from you.
It's your loss.
IN A WHISPER: Yeah.
I'm not all bad.
HOOTEN: You hide it in your pyjamas, of all the places? Well, I had to put it somewhere.
He didn't really give me much time! If we don't get it back, you owe me a billion dollars.
It's only worth that in the shrine.
And if Ella can translate the text from its rim, then we might not need it at all.
(TEARING FABRIC APART) That's hotel property.
Put it on expenses.
This guy's gonna tell me where Milena is and I'm taking her down.
Nobody handcuffs me to a bed without an agreed safeword.
Disturbing as that is I'm saying it's just not necessary.
We can just - get to the shrine.
- What if you're wrong? Oh, just entertain the possibility for once in your life! What if you can't crack it and you need the medaillon, then what? Fine.
Just remember that you work for the Museum, not the Mafia.
I'll check in with Ella on my way to the shrine.
I'll be your dance partner this evening.
(MACHINES NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND) - Hey.
- Mmh.
- So.
Progress? - Mm-mm.
"Grave in starlight" - "shields the sire.
" - Mmh-mm.
Let's hope Alex can make sense of it.
(FAR WEST SLOW MUSIC) HOOTEN: How you doin'? You ready to spill yet? See, the thnig is I need to get to Melina fast.
So, to speed things up I thought I just set these sheets on fire.
- BAD GUY: You won't kill me.
- HOOTEN: No.
But the ground probably will.
No, wait! Wait! I'll tell you, all right? Put it out.
All right? HOOTEN: I'm listening.
ALEX: So, Melina was working for you.
Your employee stole it first.
No, Hooten was acting for himself.
I would never sanction theft.
Nor sneaked in here at night, so I could claim the location for myself.
Filiki is a more noble cause than that, surely.
You don't understand.
My country is drowning in a sea of debt we can't possibly repay.
Even Alexander's billions can't cover that amount.
But finding his body would save our soul.
Restore our people's pride and self-respect.
Remind us of who we once were.
A nation with dignity.
And honour.
I think, you're gonna help me return that much to us at least.
You know this is the key.
- We ought to wait for Professor - No, no, no, no, you can't wait.
Nor can I.
It's what we live for.
And you are so close now.
Solve it now, tonight, and present him with your triumph.
The tomb of Alexander.
And reap the accolades for yourself and your museum.
(HONKING) (CAR DOOR) (WOLF WHISTLE) Ah.
You need to walk away while you still can.
Last chance.
Let's roll the dice.
See what happens.
I'm sorry but I can't have you screwing everything up or getting killed.
It's for your own good, okay? (CLIC) Aah! (CLIC) - Why do you think I didn't load it? - (GROANS) HOOTEN: Lets go somewhere quiet and have a little chat.
Starting with where is my medaillon.
No, wait, you don't understand! Your stalling untill your mob gets here? (GRUNTS) No, you idiot! I'm not part of the Filiki.
I'm a cop, okay? (HONKING) I am Sergeant Kakones.
Athens' police.
We've been traking Yannaras and the brotherhood for years.
They are fanatics who believe that the body of Alexander will help them excite our nation into war.
Woah, wait a minute.
You didn't get back the medaillon.
It's okay.
We are monitoring his movements with the Egyptian authorities.
We have men in place waiting.
Oh, you mean those soldiers at the site.
No, no, they are not ours.
They are Greek mercenaries.
Part of the Filiki.
They answer only to Yannaras.
ALEX: According to Ella, this means "the grave in starlight shields the sire.
" As you requested, Lady Alex, the site is now sealed.
Thank you, Captain.
Look at the grave.
A star! (DEEP LOUD STONY NOISE) Something's moving inside.
Gentlemen, the lid please.
(GRUNT) This is it! That's another chamber! YANNARAS: Oi.
Oi, look here.
Char-mant? King is finished.
(WIND BLOWING) It's a puzzle.
Like an ancient chess board.
(BIRD CHIRPING) (ENGINE ROARING) HOOTEN: No answer.
There is no reception in the shrine.
Stay down.
Don't worry, Yannaras won't kill her until he discovers the location of the tomb.
It might be difficult to solve even with the medaillon.
She'll solve it.
ALEX: The ancient city of Alexandria was built on a grid system.
A bit like a chess board.
The lighthouse signifies - the beginning of that original grid.
- Ingenious.
These paintings represent different chess figures.
It's the anomalies in the frescos upstairs, those aren't depictions of battle scenes, they-they're the final moves of a Persian chess game.
Or, the equivalent.
So these holes must be for the spears.
Gold would be king.
And if the elphant represents the bishop, The chariot would be the rook.
So then we just have to move the pieces, finish the game.
And, where the king falls, that's where the tomb of Alexander lies.
Bingo.
HOOTEN: All right, you take me in as your hostage, we'll take these guards out together.
MELINA: How are you still alive, huh? These people have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
Just give me your watch and wait here.
You wanna save her, or not? Give me your watch.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) YANNARAS: Alexander has retreated to behind a soldier.
Castle takes bishop.
YANNARAS: And then the casle protects his king.
Bishop advances.
Checkmate.
So we have it.
The Attarine Mosque.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hooten came looking for me.
But he won't be getting in the way anymore.
I killed him.
It looks a lot better on me, don't you think? Don't worry, princess.
You'll be reunited very soon.
(GUN COCKS) - No! - (GUNSHOT ECHOES) (GUN COCKS) (EXCLAIMS IN GREEK) What if What if she had tricked you and the tomb is really somewhere else? Don't kill her until we find out.
Bueno.
Yannaras, come back! Wait! Yannaras, don't close the door, please, you need me.
Yannaras, please, come back! Please don't lock me in the temple.
ALEX MUFFLED: Help me.
Hey! Can I take this? I deserve something for Hooten, surely.
(SPEAK IN GREEK) (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) (BEEP) (DEEP STONY NOISE) Love what you've done with the place! It's very cosy.
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF) She told me you were dead! (SIGHS WITH CONTENTMENT) I knew there was a bitter subtext.
Perfectly natural, genuine moment, ruined! (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Uh, we gotta go.
They got a hell of a headstart.
Yes, but in the wrong location.
What do you mean? I switched the grid around.
Ehm This is the actual, it's the real location of Alexander's tomb.
It's a old part of Alexandria that was destroyed in the earthquake.
- That's a good thing, right? - Yes.
A very good thing.
You do know how to dive, don't you? Lady Alex.
I've been trying to contact you.
But Yannaras said you had relinquished all claims and were returning to England.
ALEX: I'm heading West towards Alexander Tomb.
I need authorization to dive there but we can fill out the forms later.
HOOTEN: Bureaucratic bullshit.
No, no, no.
His tomb is under the Attarine Mosque.
Doctor Yannaras told me he cracked the code.
No, he only thinks he has.
I gave him the wrong coordinates.
Just Before he tried to kill me in the shrine.
He did what?! I'm sending you the real site reference now, but you need to get Police there quickly.
It will need protecting.
Uh, as well as, uh, one sergeant Melina Kakones, she's a Greek police officer.
She's working undercover.
Once he realises he's been tricked, she'll be in danger, too.
Thank you, Lady Alex.
It's fine, just call the police.
You can rely on me, of course.
I'm glad at least one of us knows where our true loyalties lie.
I think my percentage just went up.
I found a tunnel.
It's narrow as hell and pitch black but it goes right under the rock face.
Am I speaking out loud? Yeah, I'm listening, I'm just looking for the police.
Yeah, we go without them.
They have the coordinates.
You wanna be the first to find it, right? (ENGINE APPROACHING) YANNARAS: (MUMBLING IN GREEK, THEN) They are ennemies of Greece.
They don't look like the police.
No, it's Yannaras.
(GUNFIRE) They're shooting on us! No shit! Get your tank and dive.
- How the hell did they know?! - Well just dive! (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) Was the gunfire really necessary? Hey.
Don't kill her unless you have to.
That's my privilege.
ALEX: This is it.
Hooten, I think we found it! This has to be Alexander's tomb.
It's gonna be our tomb too if we don't hurry up.
This is my favourite bit.
(DOOR CREAKS) One billion, here we come.
(MAJESTIC MUSIC) Transporting the treasure out won't be easy.
Oh, that is the least of your problems.
HOOTEN: More worthless bodies.
There's another room, right? One with all the riches? Ah, possibly not, but does it matter? This is the real price! HOOTEN: It better be.
(BOTH GRUNTING) That's him! No nose, the emperor Augustus knocked it off when he visited the tomb! No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute, you said he was gold.
And studded with gems! Yeah, he was! Until Pharaoh Ptolemy IX turned him into coinage.
The fortune aspect has been widly overstated.
Yes, by you.
Constantly! "Wealth beyond my imagination!" That was the phrase you used.
Did you ever imagine a scenario like this? But that's lying.
I prefer motivating.
Incentives are very important.
Yeah, y-y-you promised me wealth.
One billion dollars! The body alone is worth that, in fact it's priceless! And think of the cultural and historical value, that's a sort of wealth.
Oh, no There is no way, no way you're getting away with this.
Sadly, no.
Once Yannaras and his men get here, they'll kill us both.
Not if I don't kill you first, and believe me, lady, I'm thinking about it! (YANNARAS VOICE) Well you better make up your mind fast, because they're here.
(SPEAKS GREEK) Hooten please, we cannot let him take the body, it's too powerful a symbol.
All right.
Go out there and stall them.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
That's why I need you to stall them! (SIGHS) Doctor Yannaras, wait! It's here, the body's here, Alexander is here.
(STAMMERING) You can take that and everything else! HOOTEN: Don't tell him there's no treasure, He is already pissed off as it is.
You can take it.
If you let us go you can have everything.
(PANTING) But I can do that anyway.
What are you doing? What's it gonna be, Yannaras? You kill us or save your boy here.
Your choice.
Snuff it out! Quickly! Alexander must be preserved.
(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING LOUDLY IN GREEK) (ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) (PANTING) Finally.
Greece can rise again.
And reclaim the legacy you gave us.
(GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (ALL YELLING) I'm calling that the Hooten solution.
Sort of an homage thing.
Alexander would be very proud.
If he wasn't in a million pieces, you mean.
Do I? The body you blew up had a nose.
Yeah, I switched the bodies before I came out.
He's still in there.
Somewhere under all that rubble.
Safest place for him.
Maybe best not to tell the Greeks.
World peace and all that.
Bigger picture probably best staying ignorant.
Yes, well you're living proof that works.
That's your way of saying thanks is it? For saving your life? - Again? - Uh, excuse me, I think we'll find that I've saved yours just as often.
Even if not more, probably.
Why is everything a competition with you? Why can't you just say thanks? Or "Here is a check for a billion.
" - Yeah - You still owe me by the way.
Yannaras said you distroyed the body.
Yes, it was him or us, unfortunately.
Well, I got what I wanted, so thank you.
And, uh No hard feelings Oh, don't give him such an oppening, please! (MELINA LAUGHS) Nothing a couple of drinks wouldn't smoothe over.
Okay As long as, uh, Alex can join us too.
Is she, uh Is she seeing anybody at the moment? [Elle King: "Where the Devil Don't Go"] She's getting married.
But, don't you worry, it's a total sham.
Be her thing for her parents, you know, society folks.
You are so in there! - Really? (SHE LAUGHS) - Oh, yeah.
Preacher man won't cut no slack Called my demons but gave them back Preacher man won't cut no slack Called my demons but gave them back It's a mean world ALEX: How soon can you get to Bhutan? HOOTEN: Explain Bhutan.
It's an ancient scroll, that Buddha himself may have written.
The Buddha.
The Buddha? ELLA: Now Mr Hooten is a bit of a dish.
Is he? You could finish what you're doing before we continue having this conversation.
- Help me.
- I'll do my damndest.
Drink the tea.
- Hooten, we have a problem.
- She's poisoned the tea.
How long before this poison kicks in? ALEX: I'd say you have at least a day.
ELLA: Bring her what she wants and she'll give you the antidote.
Saddle up, Mary Poppins.
We're going to the mountains.
- (CRACKING NOISE) - ALEX: uh! [Ezra Furman: "Restless Year"] Proofread and resync for TLA by dcdah.