House Husbands (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Whatever she says we present a united front.
You're only saying that because you're the one that's in trouble.
We're all in trouble or we wouldn't be here.
Shh! You guys are next.
Hey, you.
You're not going to believe this.
Uh, you've got to work back late? Double shift.
I'm sorry.
Poppy's got her first day and Don't worry.
I'm across it.
Thanks.
I love you.
Love you too.
No, sweetie.
I was talking to Jimmy.
He's just given me caffeine.
But I love you too.
Jimmy? You know, the new registrar.
He's gorgeous.
You'd love him.
I thought he was James.
Abi, bed two.
We need you.
Got to go.
OK.
Sorry, dude.
I wasn't flirting with him.
I wasn't flirting with him.
I've never seen him before in my life.
Hey, mate.
No.
Here we go.
Get off me.
I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
Oi! Just leave her alone.
Ow! Take your hands off her.
You right? Piss off.
Hey, just go home, mate.
Are you right, honey? Ooh! Holy shit.
Babe.
Babe.
No, I know him.
Do you know who that was? What's wrong with you people? It's your first night, isn't it? You know bouncers aren't supposed to interfere with domestics.
You're not going to say anything, are you to the boss? I need this job.
The boss was already freaking out that people might recognise me.
What? Are you famous or something? Lewis.
Ceiling cracks all gone.
You're doing that now? Yeah.
While she makes her own sandwich.
And one for me.
It's her first day of school.
Can you just, you know What? Focus.
I am.
How good's the ceiling look? Right.
Give me a kiss.
Have the best day, alright.
I want to hear all about it.
OK.
I love you.
Bye, darl.
Mmm.
How are we going? Morning tea, lunch, crunch and sipper drink bottle.
Got the car keys? If I gave them to you, do you reckon you could run yourself to school? Now, we've got your lunchbox and a water bottle, another water bottle in case you lose it.
If it's cold, I've packed a nice warm jumper for you and a little cardigan if it's in between.
Don't forget, my number's in there in case there's an emergency.
And how about a life vest in case there's a tsunami? I know the first day of school's scary but you've got to relax.
Big night, mate? Kids ready? Yeah.
Listen, it's the first day of school.
Nicky thinks Hey.
Can't she talk? No.
She'd prefer to go through me.
She wants to take them.
What are you doing? You're the one who chose this, mate.
I've seen that many custody battles.
They cost a fortune.
And the result's always the same the kids end up where they should be, with their mother.
Daddy! Hey, boys! Ready for the first day? You don't look good, mate.
You're going to look a lot worse in a court of law.
Uh, you got, uh Weet-Bix on your shirt.
Come on, boys.
Say bye to Mum.
Bye, Mum.
Bye, Mum.
Bye, Mum.
Mate, that's a That's a drop-off zone.
Yeah.
So? We are dropping off.
You're supposed to stay with your car.
That suit a bit tight, mate? Haven't worn it for five years.
How could you go back to marketing? It's not even a real job.
Marketing is the backbone of every company.
Don't you just make phone calls? I'll take one for the fridge and two for the freezer.
Done.
Three pies, Stell.
Thank you.
How was your holidays? Oh, great.
Hey, Stella.
Excited about the new year? We're repeating Prep actually.
Oh, really? Yeah.
We're fine with that.
We had so much fun last year, can't wait to do it again, can we? Allanah's been picked for the gifted and talented program.
Wow! Well done, Allanah.
Stella, say congratulations.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
Here we go.
Do I have to talk to him? Do I need to remind you he's my brother-in-law? If you haven't noticed, we're outnumbered.
I think it's important to stick together.
Why? I might get to meet some yummy mummies.
Kaney, mate.
How are you? Lewis.
Hey, Mark.
Hey.
Preps, you'll be next.
Say goodbye to mum or dad.
Oh, she's friendly.
Assistant principal, otherwise known as the Terminator.
Principal's more relaxed.
Remember our three core expectations respect, responsibility, personal best.
That includes you.
Did she look at us? Oh, yeah.
Over here, Zac.
Is that? Yep.
That's Justin Blainey.
Tilly.
No, don't.
Don't.
Blainey, mate.
Lewis.
Lewis Crapp.
Hey.
These your boys? Yeah.
Starting school today? Yeah.
So's my Tilly.
Hey, Tilly, say hello to, um? Zac and Jacob.
Uh, Mark.
That's Mark, yeah.
How are you? Can I have a go on your scooter? Stella, you've got to line up at Pop.
No, Pop.
Two minutes.
I've got five Year-3 mums over there who want to make an order.
Show me.
So, uh how old's bub? Um Eight months? Yeah.
I'll go and get them when they call for Preps.
It's good to have a run round, you know.
They've got to sit still all day.
Mate, I hope you don't mind me saying, you are a legend.
I don't know why they sacked you.
You carried that team.
You won that grand final off your own boot.
When you took that mark, that screamer right on the siren and then you sunk that 50 There are children driving that bus! Hold this.
Children on the other side of the playground, please.
Parents, take your children away from the road.
Can you look after her? Thank you.
Hold on.
Ooh.
You OK? Is everyone alright? Great.
The kids are all OK, thank God.
They're just checking them out to make sure.
Miss Moon broke her arm trying to dodge the bus.
Was that the principal? Yeah.
So, you know, we've made a good impression there.
Spoken to Abi yet? Not yet.
Gemma? Ready? Dead men walking.
There goes our fishing weekend.
I was supposed to take her on her first day.
Then I had to work.
Yeah.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
How the hell did it happen? See, that feels a little judgey.
She'd only been at school for five minutes.
The bell hadn't even rung.
I know.
Lewis was talking to this football player Oh, you're blaming Lewis now? What are you, five? I know I should have been looking.
But two minutes I looked away for.
Sorry to interrupt.
Ab, those X-rays are back.
Oh, thanks.
James, this is Mark.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Husband.
Sorry? Me.
I'm It doesn't matter.
You've had a big morning.
Kids, you can't take your eyes off them.
Hey, I looked away for two minutes.
I'll leave you to it.
Look.
The important thing is that she's alright.
It's scary, really scary.
I know.
I know.
Maybe it's a sign.
I shouldn't work.
I know what people say about mums like me.
Come on.
That's stupid.
You're good at what you do.
You've got to work.
I can juggle.
I'm now part-time.
It's your first day.
Yeah.
I'm a little bit on the late side.
Oops! Come here.
Scary.
I know.
Mmm.
What did you say to Poppy? Well, I told her, I said, "Look, Poppy, "we are very glad that you are safe.
"But don't you steal any more buses.
" Sounds reasonable.
I know.
I know.
I'm going to wait and see that your principal's OK.
And Miss Looby's going to drive you back to school.
The Terminator? Shh! Don't say that.
It's rude.
It's what you call her.
Well, I bet she'll have a thing or two to say about this morning.
What were you thinking, Stell? You were pushing the accelerator.
Jacob told me to.
If Jacob told you to jump off a building, would you do it? Which building? It doesn't matter which building.
Tilda's daddy said What? What did Tilda's daddy say, Stell? It's OK.
You can tell me.
I won't get cross.
You know.
I'd forgotten how good you look in a nurse's uniform.
Oh, you are seriously going to try that approach.
Not working, huh? You were too busy trying to impress a disgraced footballer to notice that our daughter had escaped in a bus.
Disgraced is a media spin.
He's a really good bloke.
You are another species from a planet far away.
You can get on your high horse but you're not the one that has to look after her day in, day out.
Yeah.
You've been doing it for two weeks.
Two and a half.
Yeah.
Well, I did it for five years.
Yeah.
And nothing ever went wrong? No accidents? Oh, she fell off a swing once.
She did spill some milk.
There you go.
They are not the same.
I need a car seat.
What? Well, hospitals must carry car seats.
What are you up to? Did you tell your daughter she should try driving herself to school this morning? That's been taken way out of context.
Shh! So, spending a bit of time with the kids, eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Same here.
Just sold the business so I'm in the building trade.
First time off in 30 years.
Gives the wife the opportunity to go back to work, you know.
Gives me a chance to do a bit of gardening.
It's good to meet other dads that might just want to hang out.
Course the mums can be a bit tricky.
You know, you chat to them at the park and, well, they get the wrong idea, they run a mile.
Yeah.
Not that you'd have that problem, would you? Yeah.
Up here on the left.
Oh, is it? First day of school, they hijack a bus.
I thought I had everything covered.
I even packed her a spare pair of undies.
Is it just me, or do you feel like the world's worst mother? Oh, no.
I'm a nagging fishwife today.
Oh, yeah.
I've done a fair bit of fishwife.
Have a red frog.
That is the best thing.
Is she alright? Who? Miss Moon.
Mmm.
She's broken her arm and sprained her shoulder.
She is going to hate us.
I've put her on a heavy duty analgesic to numb the pain.
It's powerful stuff.
Does she have a partner? I'll take her home.
Suck.
It's justifiable sucking.
I'm not a model parent right now.
Yeah.
On that, don't mention I'm Poppy's mum.
I wasn't about to tell her.
She kept talking about those incompetent parents who let their kids steal the bus.
I was her doctor, I'm not meant to be incompetent? She said that? She used the word 'incompetent' about us? About you, not us.
You're not my brother.
We never met.
I'm a highly professional doctor, no children, two cats.
Alright.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Last story.
Come on, Ange.
There we go.
And then you're sleeping, OK.
Duck & Ball.
What have we got here? Uh-huh.
What? You don't like this book? What's the issue? The ball or the duck? Here we go.
OK.
Let's see what this says.
OK.
OK.
Uh Well, it says here you're meant to be asleep.
OK.
So the nappy situation.
Yeah, OK.
And we've taken out the hunger issue.
Cool.
And I've read three soothing bedtime stories.
What? Justin Blainey.
Yeah.
We'd like to take you to St Kilda station for questioning regarding an incident this morning.
Have you read this? 'Let's Start School'.
We were meant to read it.
How long have you been on? Double shift.
OK.
You can sleep.
You've got two hours before you start again.
I should read this.
You know what? They've already started school.
There's a couple of lunchbox ideas.
But nothing about stealing buses.
I was supposed to take Poppy this morning.
OK.
Sleep, shoes.
You're such a bossy boots.
Head on the pillow.
Promise you'll remember to wake me.
I will.
Goodnight, darling.
How are you feeling? Sleepy.
Abi said the medication might do that.
Who? Abi.
The doctor.
Oh, she was lovely.
She had cats.
About this morning, some people might think we were How would you put it? Incompetent.
Yes.
This was totally out of character for Stella.
She is Lovely.
She is.
I don't see this morning's incident as a negative.
It's more of an experience that we can all grow from as parents.
And learn and Miss Moon? So I just need to stop up here and grab something, if that's OK.
Do you mind? Won't be a sec.
Miss Moon? Hi.
You've called Mummy.
Abi.
Abi.
Leave a message.
Please.
Please.
Abi, why don't you ever pick up your phone? Look, I need to talk to you about Miss Moon, the principal.
The medication you gave her, it's made her very tired.
And now it's made her disappear.
Just call me back, OK? Sorry, yeah, I got held up.
I was going to ring.
Missed you at the morning meeting.
Looking forward to hearing some of your ideas.
Yeah.
Well, I'm here now, ready and focused.
Hey.
It's crazy.
Uh Last time you were here I was 23.
No, you were older than that.
No.
No.
I'd just turned 23, right.
And you were my boss.
And here you are five years later and I'm you.
But you said that this place, that there's no hierarchy.
That it's, like, a flat structure.
They were your words.
My words.
Yeah.
Welcome back, mate.
Yeah.
Gabriel says you're only part time.
Uh, well, I'll be working basically four days, hopefully during school hours.
I've got to do the whole pick-up, drop-off thing.
Mmm.
How's that going to work? Mark's got a lot to offer.
I said we'd be happy to work around him.
Do HR know about this? Well, I'm working on the theory that quality's better than quantity.
Mmm.
Nice theory.
I'm more about practice.
Sorry.
I wouldn't normally take this.
But, um, my daughter was involved in an accident at school today.
Two minutes.
Sorry.
Yeah, this better be good.
I've lost the principal.
Maybe she's dead.
What? She was out of it.
There's water here - lots of water.
And she was on medication.
Just call Abi.
I've tried, Mark.
I've been to the woman's house, the school.
She's nowhere.
Or dead.
Or both.
Just give me five minutes, that's all I'm asking.
You can't come here.
You won't answer my calls.
Forgotten how nice this place is.
Use the pool much? She should be in bed.
This is her nap time.
She didn't want a nap.
Oh, she told you, did she? Yeah.
She's a good talker.
Aren't you? Hey? Come here, bubba.
Come and play with your toys.
I'll put her down until you go.
Let her stay with me.
They want to be with me, you know, like, nights, weekends, not just two days.
You're lucky to have them at all.
The mediator felt sorry for you.
A judge won't.
Hey, I want to work something out.
We don't need to go to court.
And, I need to tell you something.
You're going to hear some things.
I sneeze now and some journo What have you done? There was a situation at the school.
What happened? Are the boys OK? The boys are fine.
It was just I had to drive the bus, you know, the school bus, only for a second.
And the cops got involved because I don't have a licence.
And you've been charged again.
It was a weird situation.
I am so stupid.
For a minute I was thinking we could actually figure something out with the kids.
Yeah.
We can figure something out.
You're a screw-up, Justin.
You always will be.
Just listen to me for a second.
No! The kids don't need a screw-up.
We're going for full custody.
End of story.
I can't be looking for missing principals.
One.
I lost one principal.
You know what I told work? I told them I was going to move the car so I wouldn't get a ticket.
You're covered then.
It was half an hour ago.
Did you call him? Yeah.
He's good at finding women.
It's all he's good at.
Where would you go if you were a principal? This is ridiculous.
I have got to get back to work.
Why did you park here? What? You said you stopped to get some milk.
When you came back the principal was gone.
Why did you park here? Why didn't you park closer to the shops? Yeah.
Um Kane, what's going on? I'm not saying in front of him.
I don't listen to anything you say anyway.
If you don't spit it out, I'm going.
OK.
OK.
Guess what's in there.
Well, I'm tipping it's not the principal.
Chicken pies.
Chicken pies? I don't make the pies.
Siobhan makes the pies.
She lives here.
I was getting the pies when Principal Moon went AWOL.
Siobhan makes the pies.
Kane's Homemade Pies? There's no Kane.
Yeah.
But you're the masterchef.
I make a good pie.
But I don't make a very cheap pie.
I had the first pie business to actually lose money.
So you outsource to Siobhan? I outsource to Siobhan.
That's it? That's your big secret? I'm the chicken pie man at school.
That's my thing.
It's like, he's a bloke and he can cook.
That's still pretty exciting to some people.
But I can't let them find out that I don't actually make them.
Especially, you know Who? Them.
Those parents with the high-flying jobs and the five-year-olds that can read 'Harry Potter'.
We did 176 home readers last year and Stella still can't read.
It's my fault.
I'm a bad parent and a pie fraud.
How much you pay for the pies? 10 bucks, sell them for 15.
You get a 50% mark-up on every pie? Jeez, that's alright.
That's not fraud, that's capitalism.
He's got a point.
- You want to buy one? - No.
Angie, please go to sleep.
Hey.
Hey.
Cute.
Yeah, too cute to sleep.
Is she yours? Sometimes.
Hey, is the boss around? Back at three.
How would he be if I asked for more shifts? An inflexible bastard.
Right.
The guy whose girlfriend whacked you last night has made a complaint.
Said that you tried to beat him.
Don't worry.
I told the boss that you would never be stupid enough to get involved in a situation outside the limits of the pub.
Thanks.
Except you calling me stupid.
Then I accidentally spilled vodka on the security tapes which showed you getting involved.
What? I'm a bit clumsy sometimes.
So you're a liar.
Excuse me? You said you weren't famous.
I've never been into the whole football thing.
All those groupies that throw themselves at players.
It's so not me.
Goodo.
Right.
You read the news today, mate? You're everywhere.
'Justin Bainey, football's notorious bad boy, 'drove a school bus without a licence today.
'He was last seen leaving St Kilda Police Station.
' This is the stuff you were telling Nicki she didn't need to worry about? 'Cause it sounds like she should.
What do you want?! To talk to you, as your manager.
Huh! I sacked ya - remember? You wanna hear this - trust me.
Bill Quick said they'd have you over in WA.
Might be on the bench to start, but they like loose cannons over there.
They want you onboard.
When they tore up that contract they didn't just leave you broke, they left you without a future - this is your chance to get it back.
Why are you doing this? I'm not pretending there isn't an upside for me.
I don't want you around.
I'd be happy if I never had to see you again.
And Nicky would be happier.
What about the kids? We'll be throwing everything we can at you if you try for shared custody.
Your rap sheet doesn't exactly read like fatherhood material, does it? Well, amazing what you'll do when you find out your manager's screwing your wife.
You can hate me as much as you like, but I've known you since you were 16 years old and I came and picked you up from the middle of nowhere, drove you to the city, put you in that hotel room and told you you were gonna be huge.
This life babies, dishes, kids - it's not you.
You're not that guy.
Unsigned contract, plane ticket - all yours.
Yeah? So who called you - the Terminator? Who? Miss Looby, Assistant Principal.
Oh, yeah.
Said it was urgent.
Same with us.
It's about the bus.
Maybe they found her? Who? He lost the Principal.
Oh, thanks for not saying anything.
Holy crap! Can you not say anything? I am not gonna say anything.
We get in, we get out alive.
Whatever she says, we present a united front.
You're only saying that because you're the one that's in trouble.
We're all in trouble or we wouldn't be here.
Shh.
You guys are next.
Respect, responsibility, and personal best.
Today, you've met none of these.
Not only have you failed to supervise your children, but you allowed them to steal a bus.
As far as I'm concerned, none of you deserve to be parents.
I have spent the entire day trying to get on top of the paperwork associated with this.
Are you serious? This isn't about paperwork.
Children could have died, or at least been severely injured.
Kids on the bus, the children at the crossing, and who knows - anyone else.
If it hadn't been for this bloke, heroically getting aboard the bus somehow and then steering it to safety.
OK, maybe maybe we're partly to blame.
I lost the Principal.
Oh, here we go.
I had to tell her.
You dropped her home.
No, he was just driving, they just stopped for a moment.
Are you telling me she's missing? Should I be calling the police? No! No, no, no.
You know where she is don't you? Yeah.
Yeah, actually, she's probably expecting me.
I should probably go.
I'll go with him.
Yeah, I should probably help out.
Now what am I supposed to do? It's my first day and I've been at work for 20 minutes.
We're sticking together here.
Remember what we said - united front.
You're the only one that said that.
I'm out of here.
Good luck.
I've got things to sort.
Had an offer - Perth.
Mate, that's sensational news.
Can we just focus here? Principal Moon is out there somewhere in a daze.
I mean, it's great and everything you got some big footy deal but you're the one that told the Terminator not to call the cops.
Come on, we're all responsible.
So you stopped here, even though she lives three suburbs away? I had pie issues.
Wait till you hear this Shhh.
She's asleep.
Yeah, well, Kane has that effect on people.
Funny.
I've been trying to get her to sleep all day.
Seriously.
Babies love the car, doesn't she normally nod off when you drive? No, I haven't driven in a while.
It'd be a shame to wake her.
Why don't you stay here, I've got a phone call to make.
You sure? Yeah, I've gotta call the office and explain why I went to put money in the parking meter and never came back.
That should be interesting.
Hey, whenever I miss training, I just tell 'em I corked my thigh.
It usually worked.
So, what's she on? Some kind of analgesic.
OK, so she's disorientated, confused.
What, she gets out of the car here? Yeah, right.
Hello? Yeah, you you wouldn't believe it, but ah, ooh, I've corked my thigh.
Yeah, yeah, corked thigh on the Yeah, just walking, walking near the car and, oh, it hurts.
But, um, no, I should, you know, I should be fine tomorrow.
So what, she's never been on this medication before? Don't think so.
You seem to know a lot about it.
Yeah, the team took pills all the time, sometimes with no injuries.
Won't go there.
Someone like Miss Moon, who's never taken stuff like this before, she's gonna be pretty knocked about.
I don't reckon she's gonna make it far.
Yeah, 50 metres, max.
Then she'll want to find somewhere somewhere warm, cosy.
Bingo.
Mwah.
Seems a shame to wake her.
So who's on for poker tonight? I'm in! 2:50pm, early for pick-up Father of the Year material every one of us.
Ah, Miss Looby, how's that paperwork going? Oh, and by the way, we located Miss Moon.
Yep, she was there all along.
Having a nap.
Where? At home.
Curled up in bed asleep, alone, you know, at home.
And may I say, that blouse really brings out your eyes.
Hey, so, um, with the Perth thing, if you go over are you gonna take the kids? Oh, nah.
You know, I'll see 'em, in the off-season sometime, you know.
Dunno.
And you know what? Being a parent isn't my gig, mate.
Just ask Terminator.
Mate, she had not right to say we didn't deserve to be parents.
I mean, even if we did temporarily misplace her principal.
You know what we should have said? We should have said, "Even if you suck, "a useless parent who's there is better than no parent at all.
" Oh, they've done studies.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, I read an article in the paper.
Sounds like garbage written by a lesbian.
Whoa! How do you know which one's yours? They all look the same.
Hey, you don't know anything about mashed pumpkin, do you? What? She loves apple and pear, but if I give vegies I get the palm.
Have you tried mixing 'em? Yeah.
Apple and corn, pear and pumpkin.
Isn't that like main course and dessert all at once? Hey, chocolate custard and broccoli, boo-yah! Daddy! Hello, Poppy, come on.
Yes.
How are you? Hey, boys.
How was your day? I drew a picture.
It's you.
Saving the bus.
You have a big cape.
Because you're a superhero.
Wow! Look at this.
Have you seen this? Yeah.
Hey, where's my other arm? I've only got one arm.
Righto, let's go.
Oops.
Come on, darling.
Yeah, I'm with the lesbian.
Oh, that's great, man.
I'm I'm cool with that.
No, no, no, I'm talking about the article Mark told us about.
Even if you make mistakes, a useless parent that's having a crack, better than none at all, isn't it? Wanna get some ice-cream? What's this, Daddy? Oh, that's that's nothing.
Let's go, boys.
Hey, boys.
Hi! Pizza's on the table.
She had an hour nap this arvo.
And I gave her dinner - broccoli and peas.
She ate broccoli and peas? She wolfed it down.
Oh, yeah.
By the way this is for you.
Hang on a second.
Don't like Perth this time of year.
You're an idiot.
50 per cent custody.
I won't settle for less.
Night, dude.
Be good for Mum.
Rightio boys, the game is Texas Hold 'Em.
The blinds are one and two.
Hi, honey.
Having a celebratory game of poker because? Because the school pick-up took place without incident.
No-one stole a bus.
The kids are all accounted for, you can count them, they're in there watching a DVD.
Watch my brother, he cheats.
I never cheat.
You cheated at Twister.
I was seven-years-old! Oh, hi, Luce.
Just in time.
You gonna join us? She hates poker even more than I do.
You know the boys.
Hey, Luce.
Kane.
It's been a while.
And this is Justin, his kids go to our school.
This is my daughter, Lucy.
Actually, we've met at the pub.
Yeah, I've taken a few shifts as a bouncer.
Really? You know Lucy's studying at university - law.
Dad, don't be embarrassing.
So who's feeling lucky? Parents' show-and-tell, what does that even mean? Can't believe we gotta stand up in front of the whole class and say what we do.
No, I'm not doing it.
Your kids don't care what you bring to show-and-tell.
They just want you to turn up.
My job is I'm a I'm a dad.
He's lost his career It was your own team who sacked you, mate.
Nothing to do with me.
He's losing his house But can he hold onto his family? Where's her bunny? It should be in there somewhere.
You can't even bring home a stuffed bunny and you want shared custody of our children? The bunny's gone! It's not about the bunny! It's about my kids.
I have a court case in a month.
They want full custody.
You said you wanted to fight.
So, fight.
Pie, anyone? Kane.
Don't give him any pie.
That's Rodney.
Who? Justin's homewrecker.
Can't believe I offered him pie.
Behave.
Hey! What are you doing? Is full of heart.
I miss you.
Justin Tell me you don't miss me, too.
You're only saying that because you're the one that's in trouble.
We're all in trouble or we wouldn't be here.
Shh! You guys are next.
Hey, you.
You're not going to believe this.
Uh, you've got to work back late? Double shift.
I'm sorry.
Poppy's got her first day and Don't worry.
I'm across it.
Thanks.
I love you.
Love you too.
No, sweetie.
I was talking to Jimmy.
He's just given me caffeine.
But I love you too.
Jimmy? You know, the new registrar.
He's gorgeous.
You'd love him.
I thought he was James.
Abi, bed two.
We need you.
Got to go.
OK.
Sorry, dude.
I wasn't flirting with him.
I wasn't flirting with him.
I've never seen him before in my life.
Hey, mate.
No.
Here we go.
Get off me.
I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
Oi! Just leave her alone.
Ow! Take your hands off her.
You right? Piss off.
Hey, just go home, mate.
Are you right, honey? Ooh! Holy shit.
Babe.
Babe.
No, I know him.
Do you know who that was? What's wrong with you people? It's your first night, isn't it? You know bouncers aren't supposed to interfere with domestics.
You're not going to say anything, are you to the boss? I need this job.
The boss was already freaking out that people might recognise me.
What? Are you famous or something? Lewis.
Ceiling cracks all gone.
You're doing that now? Yeah.
While she makes her own sandwich.
And one for me.
It's her first day of school.
Can you just, you know What? Focus.
I am.
How good's the ceiling look? Right.
Give me a kiss.
Have the best day, alright.
I want to hear all about it.
OK.
I love you.
Bye, darl.
Mmm.
How are we going? Morning tea, lunch, crunch and sipper drink bottle.
Got the car keys? If I gave them to you, do you reckon you could run yourself to school? Now, we've got your lunchbox and a water bottle, another water bottle in case you lose it.
If it's cold, I've packed a nice warm jumper for you and a little cardigan if it's in between.
Don't forget, my number's in there in case there's an emergency.
And how about a life vest in case there's a tsunami? I know the first day of school's scary but you've got to relax.
Big night, mate? Kids ready? Yeah.
Listen, it's the first day of school.
Nicky thinks Hey.
Can't she talk? No.
She'd prefer to go through me.
She wants to take them.
What are you doing? You're the one who chose this, mate.
I've seen that many custody battles.
They cost a fortune.
And the result's always the same the kids end up where they should be, with their mother.
Daddy! Hey, boys! Ready for the first day? You don't look good, mate.
You're going to look a lot worse in a court of law.
Uh, you got, uh Weet-Bix on your shirt.
Come on, boys.
Say bye to Mum.
Bye, Mum.
Bye, Mum.
Bye, Mum.
Mate, that's a That's a drop-off zone.
Yeah.
So? We are dropping off.
You're supposed to stay with your car.
That suit a bit tight, mate? Haven't worn it for five years.
How could you go back to marketing? It's not even a real job.
Marketing is the backbone of every company.
Don't you just make phone calls? I'll take one for the fridge and two for the freezer.
Done.
Three pies, Stell.
Thank you.
How was your holidays? Oh, great.
Hey, Stella.
Excited about the new year? We're repeating Prep actually.
Oh, really? Yeah.
We're fine with that.
We had so much fun last year, can't wait to do it again, can we? Allanah's been picked for the gifted and talented program.
Wow! Well done, Allanah.
Stella, say congratulations.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
Here we go.
Do I have to talk to him? Do I need to remind you he's my brother-in-law? If you haven't noticed, we're outnumbered.
I think it's important to stick together.
Why? I might get to meet some yummy mummies.
Kaney, mate.
How are you? Lewis.
Hey, Mark.
Hey.
Preps, you'll be next.
Say goodbye to mum or dad.
Oh, she's friendly.
Assistant principal, otherwise known as the Terminator.
Principal's more relaxed.
Remember our three core expectations respect, responsibility, personal best.
That includes you.
Did she look at us? Oh, yeah.
Over here, Zac.
Is that? Yep.
That's Justin Blainey.
Tilly.
No, don't.
Don't.
Blainey, mate.
Lewis.
Lewis Crapp.
Hey.
These your boys? Yeah.
Starting school today? Yeah.
So's my Tilly.
Hey, Tilly, say hello to, um? Zac and Jacob.
Uh, Mark.
That's Mark, yeah.
How are you? Can I have a go on your scooter? Stella, you've got to line up at Pop.
No, Pop.
Two minutes.
I've got five Year-3 mums over there who want to make an order.
Show me.
So, uh how old's bub? Um Eight months? Yeah.
I'll go and get them when they call for Preps.
It's good to have a run round, you know.
They've got to sit still all day.
Mate, I hope you don't mind me saying, you are a legend.
I don't know why they sacked you.
You carried that team.
You won that grand final off your own boot.
When you took that mark, that screamer right on the siren and then you sunk that 50 There are children driving that bus! Hold this.
Children on the other side of the playground, please.
Parents, take your children away from the road.
Can you look after her? Thank you.
Hold on.
Ooh.
You OK? Is everyone alright? Great.
The kids are all OK, thank God.
They're just checking them out to make sure.
Miss Moon broke her arm trying to dodge the bus.
Was that the principal? Yeah.
So, you know, we've made a good impression there.
Spoken to Abi yet? Not yet.
Gemma? Ready? Dead men walking.
There goes our fishing weekend.
I was supposed to take her on her first day.
Then I had to work.
Yeah.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
How the hell did it happen? See, that feels a little judgey.
She'd only been at school for five minutes.
The bell hadn't even rung.
I know.
Lewis was talking to this football player Oh, you're blaming Lewis now? What are you, five? I know I should have been looking.
But two minutes I looked away for.
Sorry to interrupt.
Ab, those X-rays are back.
Oh, thanks.
James, this is Mark.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Husband.
Sorry? Me.
I'm It doesn't matter.
You've had a big morning.
Kids, you can't take your eyes off them.
Hey, I looked away for two minutes.
I'll leave you to it.
Look.
The important thing is that she's alright.
It's scary, really scary.
I know.
I know.
Maybe it's a sign.
I shouldn't work.
I know what people say about mums like me.
Come on.
That's stupid.
You're good at what you do.
You've got to work.
I can juggle.
I'm now part-time.
It's your first day.
Yeah.
I'm a little bit on the late side.
Oops! Come here.
Scary.
I know.
Mmm.
What did you say to Poppy? Well, I told her, I said, "Look, Poppy, "we are very glad that you are safe.
"But don't you steal any more buses.
" Sounds reasonable.
I know.
I know.
I'm going to wait and see that your principal's OK.
And Miss Looby's going to drive you back to school.
The Terminator? Shh! Don't say that.
It's rude.
It's what you call her.
Well, I bet she'll have a thing or two to say about this morning.
What were you thinking, Stell? You were pushing the accelerator.
Jacob told me to.
If Jacob told you to jump off a building, would you do it? Which building? It doesn't matter which building.
Tilda's daddy said What? What did Tilda's daddy say, Stell? It's OK.
You can tell me.
I won't get cross.
You know.
I'd forgotten how good you look in a nurse's uniform.
Oh, you are seriously going to try that approach.
Not working, huh? You were too busy trying to impress a disgraced footballer to notice that our daughter had escaped in a bus.
Disgraced is a media spin.
He's a really good bloke.
You are another species from a planet far away.
You can get on your high horse but you're not the one that has to look after her day in, day out.
Yeah.
You've been doing it for two weeks.
Two and a half.
Yeah.
Well, I did it for five years.
Yeah.
And nothing ever went wrong? No accidents? Oh, she fell off a swing once.
She did spill some milk.
There you go.
They are not the same.
I need a car seat.
What? Well, hospitals must carry car seats.
What are you up to? Did you tell your daughter she should try driving herself to school this morning? That's been taken way out of context.
Shh! So, spending a bit of time with the kids, eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Same here.
Just sold the business so I'm in the building trade.
First time off in 30 years.
Gives the wife the opportunity to go back to work, you know.
Gives me a chance to do a bit of gardening.
It's good to meet other dads that might just want to hang out.
Course the mums can be a bit tricky.
You know, you chat to them at the park and, well, they get the wrong idea, they run a mile.
Yeah.
Not that you'd have that problem, would you? Yeah.
Up here on the left.
Oh, is it? First day of school, they hijack a bus.
I thought I had everything covered.
I even packed her a spare pair of undies.
Is it just me, or do you feel like the world's worst mother? Oh, no.
I'm a nagging fishwife today.
Oh, yeah.
I've done a fair bit of fishwife.
Have a red frog.
That is the best thing.
Is she alright? Who? Miss Moon.
Mmm.
She's broken her arm and sprained her shoulder.
She is going to hate us.
I've put her on a heavy duty analgesic to numb the pain.
It's powerful stuff.
Does she have a partner? I'll take her home.
Suck.
It's justifiable sucking.
I'm not a model parent right now.
Yeah.
On that, don't mention I'm Poppy's mum.
I wasn't about to tell her.
She kept talking about those incompetent parents who let their kids steal the bus.
I was her doctor, I'm not meant to be incompetent? She said that? She used the word 'incompetent' about us? About you, not us.
You're not my brother.
We never met.
I'm a highly professional doctor, no children, two cats.
Alright.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Last story.
Come on, Ange.
There we go.
And then you're sleeping, OK.
Duck & Ball.
What have we got here? Uh-huh.
What? You don't like this book? What's the issue? The ball or the duck? Here we go.
OK.
Let's see what this says.
OK.
OK.
Uh Well, it says here you're meant to be asleep.
OK.
So the nappy situation.
Yeah, OK.
And we've taken out the hunger issue.
Cool.
And I've read three soothing bedtime stories.
What? Justin Blainey.
Yeah.
We'd like to take you to St Kilda station for questioning regarding an incident this morning.
Have you read this? 'Let's Start School'.
We were meant to read it.
How long have you been on? Double shift.
OK.
You can sleep.
You've got two hours before you start again.
I should read this.
You know what? They've already started school.
There's a couple of lunchbox ideas.
But nothing about stealing buses.
I was supposed to take Poppy this morning.
OK.
Sleep, shoes.
You're such a bossy boots.
Head on the pillow.
Promise you'll remember to wake me.
I will.
Goodnight, darling.
How are you feeling? Sleepy.
Abi said the medication might do that.
Who? Abi.
The doctor.
Oh, she was lovely.
She had cats.
About this morning, some people might think we were How would you put it? Incompetent.
Yes.
This was totally out of character for Stella.
She is Lovely.
She is.
I don't see this morning's incident as a negative.
It's more of an experience that we can all grow from as parents.
And learn and Miss Moon? So I just need to stop up here and grab something, if that's OK.
Do you mind? Won't be a sec.
Miss Moon? Hi.
You've called Mummy.
Abi.
Abi.
Leave a message.
Please.
Please.
Abi, why don't you ever pick up your phone? Look, I need to talk to you about Miss Moon, the principal.
The medication you gave her, it's made her very tired.
And now it's made her disappear.
Just call me back, OK? Sorry, yeah, I got held up.
I was going to ring.
Missed you at the morning meeting.
Looking forward to hearing some of your ideas.
Yeah.
Well, I'm here now, ready and focused.
Hey.
It's crazy.
Uh Last time you were here I was 23.
No, you were older than that.
No.
No.
I'd just turned 23, right.
And you were my boss.
And here you are five years later and I'm you.
But you said that this place, that there's no hierarchy.
That it's, like, a flat structure.
They were your words.
My words.
Yeah.
Welcome back, mate.
Yeah.
Gabriel says you're only part time.
Uh, well, I'll be working basically four days, hopefully during school hours.
I've got to do the whole pick-up, drop-off thing.
Mmm.
How's that going to work? Mark's got a lot to offer.
I said we'd be happy to work around him.
Do HR know about this? Well, I'm working on the theory that quality's better than quantity.
Mmm.
Nice theory.
I'm more about practice.
Sorry.
I wouldn't normally take this.
But, um, my daughter was involved in an accident at school today.
Two minutes.
Sorry.
Yeah, this better be good.
I've lost the principal.
Maybe she's dead.
What? She was out of it.
There's water here - lots of water.
And she was on medication.
Just call Abi.
I've tried, Mark.
I've been to the woman's house, the school.
She's nowhere.
Or dead.
Or both.
Just give me five minutes, that's all I'm asking.
You can't come here.
You won't answer my calls.
Forgotten how nice this place is.
Use the pool much? She should be in bed.
This is her nap time.
She didn't want a nap.
Oh, she told you, did she? Yeah.
She's a good talker.
Aren't you? Hey? Come here, bubba.
Come and play with your toys.
I'll put her down until you go.
Let her stay with me.
They want to be with me, you know, like, nights, weekends, not just two days.
You're lucky to have them at all.
The mediator felt sorry for you.
A judge won't.
Hey, I want to work something out.
We don't need to go to court.
And, I need to tell you something.
You're going to hear some things.
I sneeze now and some journo What have you done? There was a situation at the school.
What happened? Are the boys OK? The boys are fine.
It was just I had to drive the bus, you know, the school bus, only for a second.
And the cops got involved because I don't have a licence.
And you've been charged again.
It was a weird situation.
I am so stupid.
For a minute I was thinking we could actually figure something out with the kids.
Yeah.
We can figure something out.
You're a screw-up, Justin.
You always will be.
Just listen to me for a second.
No! The kids don't need a screw-up.
We're going for full custody.
End of story.
I can't be looking for missing principals.
One.
I lost one principal.
You know what I told work? I told them I was going to move the car so I wouldn't get a ticket.
You're covered then.
It was half an hour ago.
Did you call him? Yeah.
He's good at finding women.
It's all he's good at.
Where would you go if you were a principal? This is ridiculous.
I have got to get back to work.
Why did you park here? What? You said you stopped to get some milk.
When you came back the principal was gone.
Why did you park here? Why didn't you park closer to the shops? Yeah.
Um Kane, what's going on? I'm not saying in front of him.
I don't listen to anything you say anyway.
If you don't spit it out, I'm going.
OK.
OK.
Guess what's in there.
Well, I'm tipping it's not the principal.
Chicken pies.
Chicken pies? I don't make the pies.
Siobhan makes the pies.
She lives here.
I was getting the pies when Principal Moon went AWOL.
Siobhan makes the pies.
Kane's Homemade Pies? There's no Kane.
Yeah.
But you're the masterchef.
I make a good pie.
But I don't make a very cheap pie.
I had the first pie business to actually lose money.
So you outsource to Siobhan? I outsource to Siobhan.
That's it? That's your big secret? I'm the chicken pie man at school.
That's my thing.
It's like, he's a bloke and he can cook.
That's still pretty exciting to some people.
But I can't let them find out that I don't actually make them.
Especially, you know Who? Them.
Those parents with the high-flying jobs and the five-year-olds that can read 'Harry Potter'.
We did 176 home readers last year and Stella still can't read.
It's my fault.
I'm a bad parent and a pie fraud.
How much you pay for the pies? 10 bucks, sell them for 15.
You get a 50% mark-up on every pie? Jeez, that's alright.
That's not fraud, that's capitalism.
He's got a point.
- You want to buy one? - No.
Angie, please go to sleep.
Hey.
Hey.
Cute.
Yeah, too cute to sleep.
Is she yours? Sometimes.
Hey, is the boss around? Back at three.
How would he be if I asked for more shifts? An inflexible bastard.
Right.
The guy whose girlfriend whacked you last night has made a complaint.
Said that you tried to beat him.
Don't worry.
I told the boss that you would never be stupid enough to get involved in a situation outside the limits of the pub.
Thanks.
Except you calling me stupid.
Then I accidentally spilled vodka on the security tapes which showed you getting involved.
What? I'm a bit clumsy sometimes.
So you're a liar.
Excuse me? You said you weren't famous.
I've never been into the whole football thing.
All those groupies that throw themselves at players.
It's so not me.
Goodo.
Right.
You read the news today, mate? You're everywhere.
'Justin Bainey, football's notorious bad boy, 'drove a school bus without a licence today.
'He was last seen leaving St Kilda Police Station.
' This is the stuff you were telling Nicki she didn't need to worry about? 'Cause it sounds like she should.
What do you want?! To talk to you, as your manager.
Huh! I sacked ya - remember? You wanna hear this - trust me.
Bill Quick said they'd have you over in WA.
Might be on the bench to start, but they like loose cannons over there.
They want you onboard.
When they tore up that contract they didn't just leave you broke, they left you without a future - this is your chance to get it back.
Why are you doing this? I'm not pretending there isn't an upside for me.
I don't want you around.
I'd be happy if I never had to see you again.
And Nicky would be happier.
What about the kids? We'll be throwing everything we can at you if you try for shared custody.
Your rap sheet doesn't exactly read like fatherhood material, does it? Well, amazing what you'll do when you find out your manager's screwing your wife.
You can hate me as much as you like, but I've known you since you were 16 years old and I came and picked you up from the middle of nowhere, drove you to the city, put you in that hotel room and told you you were gonna be huge.
This life babies, dishes, kids - it's not you.
You're not that guy.
Unsigned contract, plane ticket - all yours.
Yeah? So who called you - the Terminator? Who? Miss Looby, Assistant Principal.
Oh, yeah.
Said it was urgent.
Same with us.
It's about the bus.
Maybe they found her? Who? He lost the Principal.
Oh, thanks for not saying anything.
Holy crap! Can you not say anything? I am not gonna say anything.
We get in, we get out alive.
Whatever she says, we present a united front.
You're only saying that because you're the one that's in trouble.
We're all in trouble or we wouldn't be here.
Shh.
You guys are next.
Respect, responsibility, and personal best.
Today, you've met none of these.
Not only have you failed to supervise your children, but you allowed them to steal a bus.
As far as I'm concerned, none of you deserve to be parents.
I have spent the entire day trying to get on top of the paperwork associated with this.
Are you serious? This isn't about paperwork.
Children could have died, or at least been severely injured.
Kids on the bus, the children at the crossing, and who knows - anyone else.
If it hadn't been for this bloke, heroically getting aboard the bus somehow and then steering it to safety.
OK, maybe maybe we're partly to blame.
I lost the Principal.
Oh, here we go.
I had to tell her.
You dropped her home.
No, he was just driving, they just stopped for a moment.
Are you telling me she's missing? Should I be calling the police? No! No, no, no.
You know where she is don't you? Yeah.
Yeah, actually, she's probably expecting me.
I should probably go.
I'll go with him.
Yeah, I should probably help out.
Now what am I supposed to do? It's my first day and I've been at work for 20 minutes.
We're sticking together here.
Remember what we said - united front.
You're the only one that said that.
I'm out of here.
Good luck.
I've got things to sort.
Had an offer - Perth.
Mate, that's sensational news.
Can we just focus here? Principal Moon is out there somewhere in a daze.
I mean, it's great and everything you got some big footy deal but you're the one that told the Terminator not to call the cops.
Come on, we're all responsible.
So you stopped here, even though she lives three suburbs away? I had pie issues.
Wait till you hear this Shhh.
She's asleep.
Yeah, well, Kane has that effect on people.
Funny.
I've been trying to get her to sleep all day.
Seriously.
Babies love the car, doesn't she normally nod off when you drive? No, I haven't driven in a while.
It'd be a shame to wake her.
Why don't you stay here, I've got a phone call to make.
You sure? Yeah, I've gotta call the office and explain why I went to put money in the parking meter and never came back.
That should be interesting.
Hey, whenever I miss training, I just tell 'em I corked my thigh.
It usually worked.
So, what's she on? Some kind of analgesic.
OK, so she's disorientated, confused.
What, she gets out of the car here? Yeah, right.
Hello? Yeah, you you wouldn't believe it, but ah, ooh, I've corked my thigh.
Yeah, yeah, corked thigh on the Yeah, just walking, walking near the car and, oh, it hurts.
But, um, no, I should, you know, I should be fine tomorrow.
So what, she's never been on this medication before? Don't think so.
You seem to know a lot about it.
Yeah, the team took pills all the time, sometimes with no injuries.
Won't go there.
Someone like Miss Moon, who's never taken stuff like this before, she's gonna be pretty knocked about.
I don't reckon she's gonna make it far.
Yeah, 50 metres, max.
Then she'll want to find somewhere somewhere warm, cosy.
Bingo.
Mwah.
Seems a shame to wake her.
So who's on for poker tonight? I'm in! 2:50pm, early for pick-up Father of the Year material every one of us.
Ah, Miss Looby, how's that paperwork going? Oh, and by the way, we located Miss Moon.
Yep, she was there all along.
Having a nap.
Where? At home.
Curled up in bed asleep, alone, you know, at home.
And may I say, that blouse really brings out your eyes.
Hey, so, um, with the Perth thing, if you go over are you gonna take the kids? Oh, nah.
You know, I'll see 'em, in the off-season sometime, you know.
Dunno.
And you know what? Being a parent isn't my gig, mate.
Just ask Terminator.
Mate, she had not right to say we didn't deserve to be parents.
I mean, even if we did temporarily misplace her principal.
You know what we should have said? We should have said, "Even if you suck, "a useless parent who's there is better than no parent at all.
" Oh, they've done studies.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, I read an article in the paper.
Sounds like garbage written by a lesbian.
Whoa! How do you know which one's yours? They all look the same.
Hey, you don't know anything about mashed pumpkin, do you? What? She loves apple and pear, but if I give vegies I get the palm.
Have you tried mixing 'em? Yeah.
Apple and corn, pear and pumpkin.
Isn't that like main course and dessert all at once? Hey, chocolate custard and broccoli, boo-yah! Daddy! Hello, Poppy, come on.
Yes.
How are you? Hey, boys.
How was your day? I drew a picture.
It's you.
Saving the bus.
You have a big cape.
Because you're a superhero.
Wow! Look at this.
Have you seen this? Yeah.
Hey, where's my other arm? I've only got one arm.
Righto, let's go.
Oops.
Come on, darling.
Yeah, I'm with the lesbian.
Oh, that's great, man.
I'm I'm cool with that.
No, no, no, I'm talking about the article Mark told us about.
Even if you make mistakes, a useless parent that's having a crack, better than none at all, isn't it? Wanna get some ice-cream? What's this, Daddy? Oh, that's that's nothing.
Let's go, boys.
Hey, boys.
Hi! Pizza's on the table.
She had an hour nap this arvo.
And I gave her dinner - broccoli and peas.
She ate broccoli and peas? She wolfed it down.
Oh, yeah.
By the way this is for you.
Hang on a second.
Don't like Perth this time of year.
You're an idiot.
50 per cent custody.
I won't settle for less.
Night, dude.
Be good for Mum.
Rightio boys, the game is Texas Hold 'Em.
The blinds are one and two.
Hi, honey.
Having a celebratory game of poker because? Because the school pick-up took place without incident.
No-one stole a bus.
The kids are all accounted for, you can count them, they're in there watching a DVD.
Watch my brother, he cheats.
I never cheat.
You cheated at Twister.
I was seven-years-old! Oh, hi, Luce.
Just in time.
You gonna join us? She hates poker even more than I do.
You know the boys.
Hey, Luce.
Kane.
It's been a while.
And this is Justin, his kids go to our school.
This is my daughter, Lucy.
Actually, we've met at the pub.
Yeah, I've taken a few shifts as a bouncer.
Really? You know Lucy's studying at university - law.
Dad, don't be embarrassing.
So who's feeling lucky? Parents' show-and-tell, what does that even mean? Can't believe we gotta stand up in front of the whole class and say what we do.
No, I'm not doing it.
Your kids don't care what you bring to show-and-tell.
They just want you to turn up.
My job is I'm a I'm a dad.
He's lost his career It was your own team who sacked you, mate.
Nothing to do with me.
He's losing his house But can he hold onto his family? Where's her bunny? It should be in there somewhere.
You can't even bring home a stuffed bunny and you want shared custody of our children? The bunny's gone! It's not about the bunny! It's about my kids.
I have a court case in a month.
They want full custody.
You said you wanted to fight.
So, fight.
Pie, anyone? Kane.
Don't give him any pie.
That's Rodney.
Who? Justin's homewrecker.
Can't believe I offered him pie.
Behave.
Hey! What are you doing? Is full of heart.
I miss you.
Justin Tell me you don't miss me, too.