House Husbands (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
That's what you've gotta tell them.
It's new, it's now.
They'll love it.
That's the pitch.
Alright.
Yeah, yeah, she's got some back pain.
The doctor reckons it's just some muscles overcompensating.
They found a small tumour on Stella's spine.
There's a possible risk of paralysis.
Will you promote me to husband? I've been married a couple of times before.
Gemma, she didn't want to be wife number three.
And I've got my girls, Tilly and Lucy.
There's another one, Phoebe, she's 16.
She's overseas.
Mark, have you heard Gabriel's idea? No.
Won us the bank rebrand.
Have you heard of 'happy homework'? It's all about homework.
I suggest you do some of your own.
Do we even need a wedding dance? Yeah, course you do.
Everyone does.
Hey, Lewis, what do you think about 'Dirty Dancing'? Oh, yeah, sure, if you want to dance with someone else.
Are you OK? Yep.
You're gonna pull something.
You do realise we're getting married this weekend? Is that a trick question? You will be required to walk.
You won't recognise me.
In three days? A lot can happen in three days.
You don't think you've left your run a bit late? Before we met, I could run 20 or 30 k's, no problem.
Look, if you take Tilda, no-one will laugh at how slow you are.
I'm not taking Tilda.
Phoebe! Hey, you.
Look how big you are.
G'day, Dad.
G'day, Phoebe.
Aren't you supposed to be in Frankfurt? Are you having a baby? Surprise.
Frankston, all this time? So you're telling me you never even got on the plane? It's not like I planned it.
Well, which bit didn't you plan? The pretending to be in Frankfurt bit or the getting yourself pregnant bit? Dad.
What?! As if she planned it.
What's his name? Doesn't matter.
Oh, you do know who Yes, I know who the father is! God! I'm just not telling you.
He doesn't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with him.
Well, it's a bit bloody late for that.
He kicked me out, alright? And I can't go to Mum's because I haven't told her.
Just breathe, Dad.
Look, the most important bit is that she's here now, aren't you? And she's safe and she's OK.
Do I look OK? I'm homeless, I'm fat and I'm hungry all the time.
Oh, and my boobs hurt.
Are you off any foods? Just apple and banana.
Oh.
Right, if you want to use the ladies', you've got five minutes, then we're getting in the car.
Where are we going? To tell your mother in person.
This is my big chance.
Totally.
To do what? Cut out the middle man.
Show Rachel what I can do without that weasel taking credit for all my work.
Where's the weasel again? He's still in Hong Kong.
Ah, that's right.
No, it's not right.
I'm the one who should be in Hong Kong.
I'm the one who came up with the ideas.
I should be flying business class and eating yum cha.
You don't even like yum cha.
That's not the point, is it? Got a sec? Absolutely.
Got a situation.
Sit, sit.
Old client, new product.
Not selling.
I need a fresh angle.
Oh, great.
You didn't hear this from me, but Gabe wasn't up to it.
You could earn some serious points on this one.
If you know what I'm saying.
Oh.
I have to take this.
Quick as you can, yeah? I'm on my way.
No, I'm stuck in traffic.
Wait, I'm not quite sure I understand.
Neither do I, and she's my sister.
So your mum still doesn't know? No, and Phoebe's not my mum's.
She belongs to Dad's second wife, Sarah.
Sarah's not You don't wanna know.
It's a very complicated and boring story.
So, Sarah's not your mum? No, my mum's Jan, Dad's first wife.
Uh-huh.
So let me see if I get this.
Mmm.
You belong to Jan and Phoebe belongs to Sarah.
And Tilda belongs to Gemma.
It's not that complicated.
It's felt pretty complicated over the years.
That is healing beautifully.
Oh! Isn't she clever? Mwah! She is, she's brilliant.
She's gonna be bouncing off the walls again in no time.
Thank God.
Is she sleeping alright? Yeah, like a little log.
Good.
See you, Stell.
Now, is Tom still OK to look after Poppy tonight? Oh, yeah.
Stella can't wait.
So where you off to for the hen's night? Somewhere dodgy, I hope.
I'm working on it.
Mwah! See ya.
I am too old to go to some seedy bar.
It's not a bar, OK? It's more of a it's a lounge.
Comfy couches, excellent wine, and the men behind the bar just don't wear pants.
It's very classy.
Yeah, it's a powerful image.
Oh, look, just because Lewis has done it all before doesn't mean you should have to miss out on your hen's night.
I'm not missing out.
I just want a quiet drink at home, just you and me.
That's all.
Oh, come on, no pants! I can't.
Why not? 'Cause Phoebe's six months pregnant.
What?! Mmm.
No, hang on, she's Isn't she in Germany? No, she's with Lewis.
On her way to tell her mother that she's about to become a grandmother.
No way! Mmm.
Um, when did she get back? She never left.
She's been in Frankston, with her boyfriend.
Getting pregnant.
All this time? Oh, I feel so guilty.
I-I can't even look at her in the eye.
You didn't get her pregnant.
No, but I took her dad away, and she wasn't much older than Tilly is now.
That was a very long time ago, and all you did was fall in love.
With a married man.
Whose wife was having an affair.
Yeah, but Phoebe doesn't know that.
Only 'cause you didn't tell her.
She still looks about eight years old.
Well, from the neck up.
And she hates me.
Well, go on, then.
You need a hand with I'm not a cripple.
I can wee without an audience.
Righto.
You alright? Phoebe, you need a hand with anything? Phoebe! No, let go! Where do you think you're gonna go? You can't outrun a baby.
You have to face it.
And you're gonna tell your mum.
She's not home.
Well, we'll just wait till she gets home.
We're gonna be waiting a while because she's on her way to Germany.
To visit me.
Why the hell didn't you say anything?! You let me drive halfway to Portsea.
You let your mum get on a plane to Germany.
I figured she's always wanted to go to Europe.
Can you hear what you're saying? Do you have any idea how big this hole is? Why do you think I didn't tell her in the first place? Dad, I know you think I'm an idiot.
But I'm smart enough to know that this is gonna cost me for the rest of my life.
I don't need her to remind me of how badly I've stuffed up.
She couldn't wait to see the back of me.
Couldn't get me on that plane quick enough.
You didn't get on the plane.
Yeah, well, I may as well have.
'Cause both of you gave up on me a long time ago.
That's not true.
At least she held on until I hit puberty.
You dropped the ball as soon as you found your new and improved family.
OK, let's just get back in the car and work out what the hell we're gonna do.
Nuh.
What do you mean nuh? Nope.
Oh, we're just gonna stand here all day, are we? I'm not getting back in the car.
Well, I'm not leaving without you.
Fine.
Good.
Great.
You right? Yeah, I'm right.
You right? Whatever.
You hungry? Nuh.
Have you thought about what you're going to do with the baby? I'm gonna sell it on eBay.
I didn't mean that.
What do you think I'm gonna do with it? I'm not going to abandon it, if that's what you're saying.
Well, that's not what I meant, either.
I'll just love it and care for it.
Simple.
When was the last time you ate? I don't know.
A while.
Baby must be hungry.
You know there's a servo down the road.
You can hate me just as much in the car with some nice hot chips as you can standing out here starving to death in the cold.
You gotta eat, Phoebe.
Hey.
Hey.
Mwah! Do I wanna know what they're for? Nah.
Oh, right.
I'm in the shower with my new towel.
Hey, shouldn't you be at the pub by now, for Lewis's bucks' night? I'm alright, I've got 20 minutes.
How'd you go with Rachel? I don't think she likes me.
Why? What is that? This is a terry towelling representation of my fine career.
She rushes into my office, says she needs my help, dumps this on me, wants me to come up with a fresh angle.
Oh, she does not like you.
That's what I'm saying.
Alright! Sorry I'm late.
Nah, you're not late.
Nah, Lewis is late, and it's his bucks' night.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Here's to Lewis.
WE were on time.
So how's Stella? She's good.
Tough little bugger.
Up and about like it never happened.
Lucky they bounce, hey? Where the hell is Lewis? Thanks.
Look, I know I haven't always been there for you, mate.
And if I'd been around more or less I don't know.
I always thought I'd have been a better dad if I'd had sons.
God knows I love you girls, but I I never felt qualified to raise you.
Yes The truth is I've never really understood women.
You know, as a species.
Hey, I was just getting worried.
I tried to call.
Sarah's on her way to Frankfurt.
What? She's on her way to Frankfurt.
So there's nothing we can do till that plane lands tomorrow.
Phoebe's gonna stay with us tonight.
Yeah, of course.
See? Go and make yourself at home.
Gemma will look after you.
I've just got to duck out for a bit.
Wh where? What's happening? Where are you Are you are you leaving me with her while you go out to your bucks' night? I'm just going to tell the boys it's all off.
Then I'll be back.
Have you told her about the wedding? Not yet, but I will when I get back.
Might I remind you that there is a 5-year-old in the house who's got a mouth on her bigger than Lunar Park? What if Tilly blurts it out? I won't be long.
Trust me.
Just don't let her out of your sight, OK? Must have been pretty hard over the last couple of months, you know, not being able to talk to your mum.
Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet? They said it's too early to tell.
Really? Well, it was, like, three months ago.
Huh.
What did they say at your 20-week scan? I couldn't get there.
Would you like me to make an appointment for you at the hospital? I can take care of myself.
Mum and I are used to taking care of ourselves.
Well, Abi's going to be here in a minute just for a quick drink.
So, if you want to talk to her, she's a doctor.
And you know her, and she's lovely, and responsible.
And not me.
Happy hen's! Maybe a little less on the headgear.
Hi, Phoebe.
Have a look at you.
Excuse me.
I am so sorry.
What were you thinking? I thought you were bluffing.
I misunderstood.
What part of "I don't want a hen's night" was unclear? Look, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have gone with 'a little prick' motif if I'd known Phoebe was here.
You could have told me.
I didn't know.
You've gotta get them out of here.
Hey.
Where have you been? Ah.
Change of plan, boys.
Cool.
So, uh, what's the plan? There is no plan.
There's gotta be some sort of plan.
Agreed.
I don't need a plan.
I'm gonna kill him.
Simple.
OK, we're just gonna introduce ourselves.
Right.
We just wanna talk, open up a dialogue.
I'm gonna open up more than a dialogue.
We want to stay calm.
OK, maybe we should bounce around some ideas, you know, see what we wanna say.
I tell you what it is I'm gonna say.
I'm gonna tell that little turd if he ever goes near Phoebe again, I'm gonna kill him.
And I'm gonna kill his family.
And I'm gonna kill his family dog and his next-door neighbour's dog.
Now, we're going with the whole responsibility line, yes? Remember to keep breathing, in and out.
Yeah, I know how to breathe.
We just don't want any trouble.
Yeah, I'm cool.
Travis Newman? Yeah.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't bust you in half right now.
Hey, what? I don't even Have we even met? I don't even know who you are.
I'm the father of the 16-year-old you knocked up.
What? Yeah.
What were you thinking, eh? You were just gonna throw her out, it'd all just disappear? But I don't even know what you're Well, try throwing me out, tough guy.
Hey, you've got the wrong idea.
I'm not the one who knocked Phoebe up.
I am.
She left me.
She said she didn't know if she loved me.
She only got with me to make my brother jealous.
I knew she wasn't happy.
She said she missed her mum.
And she kept crying all the time.
I really tried.
I quit school.
I went full-time at Woolies.
Nothing I did could stop her crying.
I don't understand what women want.
Well, nobody does, son.
Tell me about it.
Could you give her this for me? Sure.
Will you tell her I love her? One step at a time, son.
So, I totally stuffed up your hen's night.
No, you didn't.
It wasn't my hen's night.
I didn't even want a hen's night.
Somebody should have told him.
Somebody should have taken him home.
You didn't even get to play 'pin the penis on the hunky'.
Oh, I've played it before.
So if this wasn't a hen's night, I guess that's not a wedding dress? No, that is a That is a wedding dress.
Abi's friend made it for me.
I'm supposed to try it on tonight.
So Dad's actually marrying you? We wanted to tell you.
We did.
But it only happened a few weeks ago and and then you turned up, so we just thought we'd put it on hold and We really wanted to tell you.
Better try it on then.
I'm not trying it on tonight.
It's it's not important.
So it wasn't worth wrecking my parents' marriage for? Phoebe, I'm sorry, OK? If I could change the way that it happened, I would.
I would do that, I swear to God.
But I can't, and it's a long time ago now, and I know that you've got raging hormones, and I know you must be terrified, but But what? Get over it? No! No.
But I am not the enemy.
Mummy? What are you doing up? I want a story.
No stories, please.
Back to bed.
I'll read you one.
You awake? No.
And even if I was, I wouldn't be talking to you.
I just met the father.
What? How did you I found his address in her bag.
You went through her bag? I wanted to check him out and scare the crap out of him.
That's my job.
So you left me alone with Phoebe while you could go off and puff out your chest and, what, bash the father of the baby? There was no bashing involved.
There was a little puffing.
Might have tore his brother's shirt, but that was an honest mistake.
What? He didn't kick her out.
She left.
Why's she telling so many lies? Because she's terrified.
She doesn't know how to ask for help, especially ours.
Don't you wake her.
I'll tell her about the wedding first thing in the morning.
No need.
I think she's picked up on it.
How'd that go? Yeah, not well.
I think we should consider postponing.
It's in three days time.
It's in two days.
I'm sorry, darling.
I should have been the one to tell her.
I just wanted to eyeball him.
I wanted to get the guy You don't have to get the guy.
You have to be the guy.
You're it.
I know how much you love her, but I'm not sure that she does.
And this is your chance.
It's our chance to show her.
Morning, Daddy.
Oh, darling, you might not wanna use that Morning, Pop.
I'm just gonna look her in the eye and tell it to her straight.
I can't do it, it's not doable.
You can't.
Have you got your reader? It's bloody ridiculous.
It is.
Go get it.
I mean, it's just one brief.
It's not like I won't have other opportunities to show her what I can do.
There'll be other briefs.
And it's not like I didn't try.
I did.
But who the hell would buy it? It's like trying to sell sand to the United Arab Emirates.
Yeah, don't say that.
I can't find it.
Did you even look? Yeah.
This was my big opportunity.
She couldn't sack me for telling the truth, could she? Oh! Good morning.
What is that? That's a rat.
It's for you from Jay.
When did you? I didn't even tell you his name.
How did you even get this? Phoebe.
You don't have to lie to me about anything.
I want to be here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it.
I'm just trying to understand why you did what you did.
What don't you understand? Jay reckons you were keen on his brother.
You don't get a bloke's attention Well, you don't get the attention you want by sleeping with another bloke.
That doesn't make anybody jealous.
That just makes you look Like what? What does that make me look like? A slut? Phoebe, that doesn't make I You're just a kid and you're my kid.
I'm trying to explain that it doesn't work that way, that blokes don't work that way.
Well, how do they work? Well, most of the time, they don't work at all.
We just wait to be told what to do by the women we love.
Sorry, but you just asked me to remind you.
I think Sarah will have landed in Frankfurt by now.
Thanks, love.
And I never actually left because I'm pregnant.
No, you're in Frankfurt.
No, YOU'RE in Frankfurt.
No, this isn't happening.
It's happening.
Why are you doing this? Are you are you trying to punish me? Is that what you're doing this for? Yeah, Mum, I got up the duff on purpose, just to piss you off.
No, I don't think that's what your mother's saying.
Don't you tell me what I'm saying, Lewis! Righto.
Wait until you get home.
Well, guess what, Mum? That's not gonna happen.
I'm not coming home! Yeah, look, I think we all need to calm down.
Lewis, don't tell me to calm down! What is she even doing there with you, anyway? And that woman? Oh, I can just imagine she'll be sticking her nose in this! Here we go.
Lewis, I can't see you anymore, I've lost the visual.
I've lost the connection too.
Well, can you can you You OK? I haven't got a clue.
Look, just ask her to stay here.
Nah, she won't stay here.
Just ask her.
Don't put any pressure on her.
Just let her know that she's welcome.
And don't tell her that it's my idea.
Your mum just needs some time.
I know she can be a bit of a pain.
But you've gotta understand this is her worst nightmare.
You're her baby.
If I was one of those middle-aged women who left it too late and spent millions of dollars sticking needles up my bum to have a kid everyone would stop me in the street and say, "Congratulations.
" Because I'm young enough to have one without trying, everyone looks down their noses.
Everyone I know is having sex, OK? I'm just I'm just unlucky.
Phoebe, you were the best thing to happen to your mum and me.
You were hard work.
And having babies is hard work.
Your mum's just not ready to let you grow up.
And you have to.
Is that cabbage? Oh, yeah, it's it's for your Well, they reckon you put the leaves um, and they reckon it helps.
Don't ask me how.
Eee.
I was hoping you might stay around.
For a while.
As long as you want to.
I'm not staying here.
Well, the offer's there.
Rachel, I really tried.
I gave it a red-hot go.
But when I saw my 5-year-old daughter wiping her face with the 'bum' end of the towel, I realised people have been wiping their face with the 'bum' end of the towel since towels were invented, and I don't think anyone's died as far as we know.
And I-I generally wash my bum before I dry it.
So it's not like I'm using a towel instead of toilet paper.
I just don't see the market.
Take a seat.
OK.
It's my son's idea.
I did not know that.
He's not very bright.
Obviously.
Look, I appreciate you calling a spade a shovel, I know it's crap.
For Christ sake, look at it.
It's ridiculous.
I just can't tell that to Adam.
Oh.
But you can.
You what? You heard me.
Sorry.
What, you want me to Tell my son he's an idiot? Yes.
You don't think maybe he should hear that Do we have a problem here? No.
No.
No problem.
Hey, what's all this? Well, I cancelled the restaurant, but I was too late to cancel the flowers.
You've called off the wedding? No, just postponed a little bit.
Why? It's it's taken Lewis years to get you to this point.
You're not backing out now.
Our house - the deck, the grass, the trees.
You wouldn't let me throw you a hen's night.
You owe me a wedding.
I don't think You don't have to think.
You shouldn't have to think at all.
That's the whole point.
It's your day.
It's done.
What just happened? I don't know.
Hey.
Adam.
Hey, how you going? Good.
Um, have a have a seat.
Ah! Adam, mate Well, the good news, is, um, you're a good-looking bloke, your whole life ahead of you.
And you've got a very protective, complicated mother.
The bad news is you've gotta get a job.
I'm gonna give it to you straight, I'm not your mum, so I'm not gonna treat you like a kid.
You're old enough to know that life isn't easy.
If you want something, you want to achieve anything, you're gonna have to work for it, no matter who you are.
What about the towel? Nah, throw it in.
You don't want to be the 'bum-head' guy.
What am I supposed to do now? Do what everyone else does.
Get a haircut and get a shitty job.
Oh, mate, no Don't cry.
Here.
Dad asked me to move in.
I was your age when I moved in.
I'm not moving in.
Look, um, I know he says all the wrong things, but his heart's in the right place.
He could look after you both of you if you let him.
I cannot believe you're pregnant.
Neither can I.
I'm gonna be an aunty.
So's Tilda.
Weird.
I'm sure you are so sick of just random strangers touching your belly and Yep.
Can I? It's so hard.
Feels like a bowling ball.
Was that, like You ready? I'll take you up.
Good luck.
I'll just be waiting down here.
Are you OK? Pretty nervous.
Don't be.
This is the fun part.
There's your baby.
So it's got a good, strong heartbeat.
And did you wanna know the sex? It's a boy.
Whacko.
It's a boy.
How about that? Bad time? No.
Not really.
I just wanted to thank you for talking to Adam.
Oh, yeah, look, it was I don't know what you said, but you really got through to him.
Did I? Look, I-I'm sorry if I upset him, I tried to break it to him gently but he seemed to take it pretty hard.
Yeah, that was always gonna happen.
The kid's a marshmallow.
Takes after his father.
Ah.
The important thing is that now he hates you, not me.
Great.
Well, I suppose I should let you get back to it.
Yeah, I should Thanks, Mark.
Look at it this way she obviously has a lot of confidence in your ability.
My ability to reduce her adult son to tears.
Among other things.
How far up the leg are we talking? Think I preferred her when she was trying to sack me.
No, no, no, you're not gonna get me! Whoa! Hey, slow down.
Hey, settle down! Out of it, you monkeys.
Here she comes, I think.
She's coming, she's coming.
Oh! Hi, Justin.
Oh, thank you, darling.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Welcome, everyone, to the very low-key wedding of Lewis and Gemma.
Gem You know me better than anyone and you're still here.
You put up with my dodgy shorts and my lack of self-awareness and my big mouth.
It's a tough combo.
I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
But when I'm with you, I'm alright.
I know I don't say it enough but I love you so much.
Wherever you wanna go, I'll follow.
You are the most stubborn, loyal unpretentious man I've ever met.
Your relationship with the barbecue is is really not healthy.
Your jokes are off-colour but you make me feel like I'm the centre of the universe.
You protect me and you inspire me and I'm not going anywhere without you.
Lewis and Gemma, you have committed to each other in marriage by the exchange of vows and the giving of rings.
By the authority vested in me and with a lot of joy, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Careful! Take a look at her.
Mmm.
She's fine.
Mm-hm.
She's better than fine.
Yeah, she's bloody terrifying.
Careful, Stell! I just wanna say a few words.
Firstly I really want to thank Abi and Mark for coughing up their backyard for us.
It's a really lovely gesture and, you know, it's gone a long way.
Well, Gemma and I my wife and I we really appreciate it.
And to all the friends and family who've made the trip down, thank you very much.
Most of all I'd like to thank my three beautiful daughters.
I hope you all know how proud I am of you.
And Gemma and I are really chuffed that you're here today.
To Lewis and Gemma! To Lewis and Gemma! You OK? Look, I know it wasn't easy for you today, but I'm really glad you came.
Do you think you might stay? It'd mean a lot to your dad.
And to Tilly.
And me.
You know what, if you do stick around, you can call your dad 'Grandpa' every day, and that is going to make me feel really, really old.
Guess I could hang.
- For a while.
- OK.
OK.
OK.
Anyone for a dance, girls? Yeah.
Come on.
Fine.
Yeah! Well, that was easier than I thought.
Hey, beautiful.
We're moving back to Sydney.
Sometimes I need help, juggling everything.
The difference is, I ask for help when I need it.
No.
The difference is, you'll get it.
Abby.
Abby! If they don't have my name, and I lose this hearing, what's left of me in their lives? I think I just figured out your scam.
Did you do it to me? Did you set me up? I love you.
Zack! I'm the one who was supposed to be looking after him.
Yeah, you were, and you didn't mate.
Where the bloody hell is he? Zack, where are you? Should we foster a child? It's gonna be alright, Phoeb.
It's gonna be better than alright.
You right there, Phoebs? I need to push.
What? No! I need to push! You broke something! I'm not coming home.
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It's new, it's now.
They'll love it.
That's the pitch.
Alright.
Yeah, yeah, she's got some back pain.
The doctor reckons it's just some muscles overcompensating.
They found a small tumour on Stella's spine.
There's a possible risk of paralysis.
Will you promote me to husband? I've been married a couple of times before.
Gemma, she didn't want to be wife number three.
And I've got my girls, Tilly and Lucy.
There's another one, Phoebe, she's 16.
She's overseas.
Mark, have you heard Gabriel's idea? No.
Won us the bank rebrand.
Have you heard of 'happy homework'? It's all about homework.
I suggest you do some of your own.
Do we even need a wedding dance? Yeah, course you do.
Everyone does.
Hey, Lewis, what do you think about 'Dirty Dancing'? Oh, yeah, sure, if you want to dance with someone else.
Are you OK? Yep.
You're gonna pull something.
You do realise we're getting married this weekend? Is that a trick question? You will be required to walk.
You won't recognise me.
In three days? A lot can happen in three days.
You don't think you've left your run a bit late? Before we met, I could run 20 or 30 k's, no problem.
Look, if you take Tilda, no-one will laugh at how slow you are.
I'm not taking Tilda.
Phoebe! Hey, you.
Look how big you are.
G'day, Dad.
G'day, Phoebe.
Aren't you supposed to be in Frankfurt? Are you having a baby? Surprise.
Frankston, all this time? So you're telling me you never even got on the plane? It's not like I planned it.
Well, which bit didn't you plan? The pretending to be in Frankfurt bit or the getting yourself pregnant bit? Dad.
What?! As if she planned it.
What's his name? Doesn't matter.
Oh, you do know who Yes, I know who the father is! God! I'm just not telling you.
He doesn't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with him.
Well, it's a bit bloody late for that.
He kicked me out, alright? And I can't go to Mum's because I haven't told her.
Just breathe, Dad.
Look, the most important bit is that she's here now, aren't you? And she's safe and she's OK.
Do I look OK? I'm homeless, I'm fat and I'm hungry all the time.
Oh, and my boobs hurt.
Are you off any foods? Just apple and banana.
Oh.
Right, if you want to use the ladies', you've got five minutes, then we're getting in the car.
Where are we going? To tell your mother in person.
This is my big chance.
Totally.
To do what? Cut out the middle man.
Show Rachel what I can do without that weasel taking credit for all my work.
Where's the weasel again? He's still in Hong Kong.
Ah, that's right.
No, it's not right.
I'm the one who should be in Hong Kong.
I'm the one who came up with the ideas.
I should be flying business class and eating yum cha.
You don't even like yum cha.
That's not the point, is it? Got a sec? Absolutely.
Got a situation.
Sit, sit.
Old client, new product.
Not selling.
I need a fresh angle.
Oh, great.
You didn't hear this from me, but Gabe wasn't up to it.
You could earn some serious points on this one.
If you know what I'm saying.
Oh.
I have to take this.
Quick as you can, yeah? I'm on my way.
No, I'm stuck in traffic.
Wait, I'm not quite sure I understand.
Neither do I, and she's my sister.
So your mum still doesn't know? No, and Phoebe's not my mum's.
She belongs to Dad's second wife, Sarah.
Sarah's not You don't wanna know.
It's a very complicated and boring story.
So, Sarah's not your mum? No, my mum's Jan, Dad's first wife.
Uh-huh.
So let me see if I get this.
Mmm.
You belong to Jan and Phoebe belongs to Sarah.
And Tilda belongs to Gemma.
It's not that complicated.
It's felt pretty complicated over the years.
That is healing beautifully.
Oh! Isn't she clever? Mwah! She is, she's brilliant.
She's gonna be bouncing off the walls again in no time.
Thank God.
Is she sleeping alright? Yeah, like a little log.
Good.
See you, Stell.
Now, is Tom still OK to look after Poppy tonight? Oh, yeah.
Stella can't wait.
So where you off to for the hen's night? Somewhere dodgy, I hope.
I'm working on it.
Mwah! See ya.
I am too old to go to some seedy bar.
It's not a bar, OK? It's more of a it's a lounge.
Comfy couches, excellent wine, and the men behind the bar just don't wear pants.
It's very classy.
Yeah, it's a powerful image.
Oh, look, just because Lewis has done it all before doesn't mean you should have to miss out on your hen's night.
I'm not missing out.
I just want a quiet drink at home, just you and me.
That's all.
Oh, come on, no pants! I can't.
Why not? 'Cause Phoebe's six months pregnant.
What?! Mmm.
No, hang on, she's Isn't she in Germany? No, she's with Lewis.
On her way to tell her mother that she's about to become a grandmother.
No way! Mmm.
Um, when did she get back? She never left.
She's been in Frankston, with her boyfriend.
Getting pregnant.
All this time? Oh, I feel so guilty.
I-I can't even look at her in the eye.
You didn't get her pregnant.
No, but I took her dad away, and she wasn't much older than Tilly is now.
That was a very long time ago, and all you did was fall in love.
With a married man.
Whose wife was having an affair.
Yeah, but Phoebe doesn't know that.
Only 'cause you didn't tell her.
She still looks about eight years old.
Well, from the neck up.
And she hates me.
Well, go on, then.
You need a hand with I'm not a cripple.
I can wee without an audience.
Righto.
You alright? Phoebe, you need a hand with anything? Phoebe! No, let go! Where do you think you're gonna go? You can't outrun a baby.
You have to face it.
And you're gonna tell your mum.
She's not home.
Well, we'll just wait till she gets home.
We're gonna be waiting a while because she's on her way to Germany.
To visit me.
Why the hell didn't you say anything?! You let me drive halfway to Portsea.
You let your mum get on a plane to Germany.
I figured she's always wanted to go to Europe.
Can you hear what you're saying? Do you have any idea how big this hole is? Why do you think I didn't tell her in the first place? Dad, I know you think I'm an idiot.
But I'm smart enough to know that this is gonna cost me for the rest of my life.
I don't need her to remind me of how badly I've stuffed up.
She couldn't wait to see the back of me.
Couldn't get me on that plane quick enough.
You didn't get on the plane.
Yeah, well, I may as well have.
'Cause both of you gave up on me a long time ago.
That's not true.
At least she held on until I hit puberty.
You dropped the ball as soon as you found your new and improved family.
OK, let's just get back in the car and work out what the hell we're gonna do.
Nuh.
What do you mean nuh? Nope.
Oh, we're just gonna stand here all day, are we? I'm not getting back in the car.
Well, I'm not leaving without you.
Fine.
Good.
Great.
You right? Yeah, I'm right.
You right? Whatever.
You hungry? Nuh.
Have you thought about what you're going to do with the baby? I'm gonna sell it on eBay.
I didn't mean that.
What do you think I'm gonna do with it? I'm not going to abandon it, if that's what you're saying.
Well, that's not what I meant, either.
I'll just love it and care for it.
Simple.
When was the last time you ate? I don't know.
A while.
Baby must be hungry.
You know there's a servo down the road.
You can hate me just as much in the car with some nice hot chips as you can standing out here starving to death in the cold.
You gotta eat, Phoebe.
Hey.
Hey.
Mwah! Do I wanna know what they're for? Nah.
Oh, right.
I'm in the shower with my new towel.
Hey, shouldn't you be at the pub by now, for Lewis's bucks' night? I'm alright, I've got 20 minutes.
How'd you go with Rachel? I don't think she likes me.
Why? What is that? This is a terry towelling representation of my fine career.
She rushes into my office, says she needs my help, dumps this on me, wants me to come up with a fresh angle.
Oh, she does not like you.
That's what I'm saying.
Alright! Sorry I'm late.
Nah, you're not late.
Nah, Lewis is late, and it's his bucks' night.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Here's to Lewis.
WE were on time.
So how's Stella? She's good.
Tough little bugger.
Up and about like it never happened.
Lucky they bounce, hey? Where the hell is Lewis? Thanks.
Look, I know I haven't always been there for you, mate.
And if I'd been around more or less I don't know.
I always thought I'd have been a better dad if I'd had sons.
God knows I love you girls, but I I never felt qualified to raise you.
Yes The truth is I've never really understood women.
You know, as a species.
Hey, I was just getting worried.
I tried to call.
Sarah's on her way to Frankfurt.
What? She's on her way to Frankfurt.
So there's nothing we can do till that plane lands tomorrow.
Phoebe's gonna stay with us tonight.
Yeah, of course.
See? Go and make yourself at home.
Gemma will look after you.
I've just got to duck out for a bit.
Wh where? What's happening? Where are you Are you are you leaving me with her while you go out to your bucks' night? I'm just going to tell the boys it's all off.
Then I'll be back.
Have you told her about the wedding? Not yet, but I will when I get back.
Might I remind you that there is a 5-year-old in the house who's got a mouth on her bigger than Lunar Park? What if Tilly blurts it out? I won't be long.
Trust me.
Just don't let her out of your sight, OK? Must have been pretty hard over the last couple of months, you know, not being able to talk to your mum.
Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet? They said it's too early to tell.
Really? Well, it was, like, three months ago.
Huh.
What did they say at your 20-week scan? I couldn't get there.
Would you like me to make an appointment for you at the hospital? I can take care of myself.
Mum and I are used to taking care of ourselves.
Well, Abi's going to be here in a minute just for a quick drink.
So, if you want to talk to her, she's a doctor.
And you know her, and she's lovely, and responsible.
And not me.
Happy hen's! Maybe a little less on the headgear.
Hi, Phoebe.
Have a look at you.
Excuse me.
I am so sorry.
What were you thinking? I thought you were bluffing.
I misunderstood.
What part of "I don't want a hen's night" was unclear? Look, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have gone with 'a little prick' motif if I'd known Phoebe was here.
You could have told me.
I didn't know.
You've gotta get them out of here.
Hey.
Where have you been? Ah.
Change of plan, boys.
Cool.
So, uh, what's the plan? There is no plan.
There's gotta be some sort of plan.
Agreed.
I don't need a plan.
I'm gonna kill him.
Simple.
OK, we're just gonna introduce ourselves.
Right.
We just wanna talk, open up a dialogue.
I'm gonna open up more than a dialogue.
We want to stay calm.
OK, maybe we should bounce around some ideas, you know, see what we wanna say.
I tell you what it is I'm gonna say.
I'm gonna tell that little turd if he ever goes near Phoebe again, I'm gonna kill him.
And I'm gonna kill his family.
And I'm gonna kill his family dog and his next-door neighbour's dog.
Now, we're going with the whole responsibility line, yes? Remember to keep breathing, in and out.
Yeah, I know how to breathe.
We just don't want any trouble.
Yeah, I'm cool.
Travis Newman? Yeah.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't bust you in half right now.
Hey, what? I don't even Have we even met? I don't even know who you are.
I'm the father of the 16-year-old you knocked up.
What? Yeah.
What were you thinking, eh? You were just gonna throw her out, it'd all just disappear? But I don't even know what you're Well, try throwing me out, tough guy.
Hey, you've got the wrong idea.
I'm not the one who knocked Phoebe up.
I am.
She left me.
She said she didn't know if she loved me.
She only got with me to make my brother jealous.
I knew she wasn't happy.
She said she missed her mum.
And she kept crying all the time.
I really tried.
I quit school.
I went full-time at Woolies.
Nothing I did could stop her crying.
I don't understand what women want.
Well, nobody does, son.
Tell me about it.
Could you give her this for me? Sure.
Will you tell her I love her? One step at a time, son.
So, I totally stuffed up your hen's night.
No, you didn't.
It wasn't my hen's night.
I didn't even want a hen's night.
Somebody should have told him.
Somebody should have taken him home.
You didn't even get to play 'pin the penis on the hunky'.
Oh, I've played it before.
So if this wasn't a hen's night, I guess that's not a wedding dress? No, that is a That is a wedding dress.
Abi's friend made it for me.
I'm supposed to try it on tonight.
So Dad's actually marrying you? We wanted to tell you.
We did.
But it only happened a few weeks ago and and then you turned up, so we just thought we'd put it on hold and We really wanted to tell you.
Better try it on then.
I'm not trying it on tonight.
It's it's not important.
So it wasn't worth wrecking my parents' marriage for? Phoebe, I'm sorry, OK? If I could change the way that it happened, I would.
I would do that, I swear to God.
But I can't, and it's a long time ago now, and I know that you've got raging hormones, and I know you must be terrified, but But what? Get over it? No! No.
But I am not the enemy.
Mummy? What are you doing up? I want a story.
No stories, please.
Back to bed.
I'll read you one.
You awake? No.
And even if I was, I wouldn't be talking to you.
I just met the father.
What? How did you I found his address in her bag.
You went through her bag? I wanted to check him out and scare the crap out of him.
That's my job.
So you left me alone with Phoebe while you could go off and puff out your chest and, what, bash the father of the baby? There was no bashing involved.
There was a little puffing.
Might have tore his brother's shirt, but that was an honest mistake.
What? He didn't kick her out.
She left.
Why's she telling so many lies? Because she's terrified.
She doesn't know how to ask for help, especially ours.
Don't you wake her.
I'll tell her about the wedding first thing in the morning.
No need.
I think she's picked up on it.
How'd that go? Yeah, not well.
I think we should consider postponing.
It's in three days time.
It's in two days.
I'm sorry, darling.
I should have been the one to tell her.
I just wanted to eyeball him.
I wanted to get the guy You don't have to get the guy.
You have to be the guy.
You're it.
I know how much you love her, but I'm not sure that she does.
And this is your chance.
It's our chance to show her.
Morning, Daddy.
Oh, darling, you might not wanna use that Morning, Pop.
I'm just gonna look her in the eye and tell it to her straight.
I can't do it, it's not doable.
You can't.
Have you got your reader? It's bloody ridiculous.
It is.
Go get it.
I mean, it's just one brief.
It's not like I won't have other opportunities to show her what I can do.
There'll be other briefs.
And it's not like I didn't try.
I did.
But who the hell would buy it? It's like trying to sell sand to the United Arab Emirates.
Yeah, don't say that.
I can't find it.
Did you even look? Yeah.
This was my big opportunity.
She couldn't sack me for telling the truth, could she? Oh! Good morning.
What is that? That's a rat.
It's for you from Jay.
When did you? I didn't even tell you his name.
How did you even get this? Phoebe.
You don't have to lie to me about anything.
I want to be here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it.
I'm just trying to understand why you did what you did.
What don't you understand? Jay reckons you were keen on his brother.
You don't get a bloke's attention Well, you don't get the attention you want by sleeping with another bloke.
That doesn't make anybody jealous.
That just makes you look Like what? What does that make me look like? A slut? Phoebe, that doesn't make I You're just a kid and you're my kid.
I'm trying to explain that it doesn't work that way, that blokes don't work that way.
Well, how do they work? Well, most of the time, they don't work at all.
We just wait to be told what to do by the women we love.
Sorry, but you just asked me to remind you.
I think Sarah will have landed in Frankfurt by now.
Thanks, love.
And I never actually left because I'm pregnant.
No, you're in Frankfurt.
No, YOU'RE in Frankfurt.
No, this isn't happening.
It's happening.
Why are you doing this? Are you are you trying to punish me? Is that what you're doing this for? Yeah, Mum, I got up the duff on purpose, just to piss you off.
No, I don't think that's what your mother's saying.
Don't you tell me what I'm saying, Lewis! Righto.
Wait until you get home.
Well, guess what, Mum? That's not gonna happen.
I'm not coming home! Yeah, look, I think we all need to calm down.
Lewis, don't tell me to calm down! What is she even doing there with you, anyway? And that woman? Oh, I can just imagine she'll be sticking her nose in this! Here we go.
Lewis, I can't see you anymore, I've lost the visual.
I've lost the connection too.
Well, can you can you You OK? I haven't got a clue.
Look, just ask her to stay here.
Nah, she won't stay here.
Just ask her.
Don't put any pressure on her.
Just let her know that she's welcome.
And don't tell her that it's my idea.
Your mum just needs some time.
I know she can be a bit of a pain.
But you've gotta understand this is her worst nightmare.
You're her baby.
If I was one of those middle-aged women who left it too late and spent millions of dollars sticking needles up my bum to have a kid everyone would stop me in the street and say, "Congratulations.
" Because I'm young enough to have one without trying, everyone looks down their noses.
Everyone I know is having sex, OK? I'm just I'm just unlucky.
Phoebe, you were the best thing to happen to your mum and me.
You were hard work.
And having babies is hard work.
Your mum's just not ready to let you grow up.
And you have to.
Is that cabbage? Oh, yeah, it's it's for your Well, they reckon you put the leaves um, and they reckon it helps.
Don't ask me how.
Eee.
I was hoping you might stay around.
For a while.
As long as you want to.
I'm not staying here.
Well, the offer's there.
Rachel, I really tried.
I gave it a red-hot go.
But when I saw my 5-year-old daughter wiping her face with the 'bum' end of the towel, I realised people have been wiping their face with the 'bum' end of the towel since towels were invented, and I don't think anyone's died as far as we know.
And I-I generally wash my bum before I dry it.
So it's not like I'm using a towel instead of toilet paper.
I just don't see the market.
Take a seat.
OK.
It's my son's idea.
I did not know that.
He's not very bright.
Obviously.
Look, I appreciate you calling a spade a shovel, I know it's crap.
For Christ sake, look at it.
It's ridiculous.
I just can't tell that to Adam.
Oh.
But you can.
You what? You heard me.
Sorry.
What, you want me to Tell my son he's an idiot? Yes.
You don't think maybe he should hear that Do we have a problem here? No.
No.
No problem.
Hey, what's all this? Well, I cancelled the restaurant, but I was too late to cancel the flowers.
You've called off the wedding? No, just postponed a little bit.
Why? It's it's taken Lewis years to get you to this point.
You're not backing out now.
Our house - the deck, the grass, the trees.
You wouldn't let me throw you a hen's night.
You owe me a wedding.
I don't think You don't have to think.
You shouldn't have to think at all.
That's the whole point.
It's your day.
It's done.
What just happened? I don't know.
Hey.
Adam.
Hey, how you going? Good.
Um, have a have a seat.
Ah! Adam, mate Well, the good news, is, um, you're a good-looking bloke, your whole life ahead of you.
And you've got a very protective, complicated mother.
The bad news is you've gotta get a job.
I'm gonna give it to you straight, I'm not your mum, so I'm not gonna treat you like a kid.
You're old enough to know that life isn't easy.
If you want something, you want to achieve anything, you're gonna have to work for it, no matter who you are.
What about the towel? Nah, throw it in.
You don't want to be the 'bum-head' guy.
What am I supposed to do now? Do what everyone else does.
Get a haircut and get a shitty job.
Oh, mate, no Don't cry.
Here.
Dad asked me to move in.
I was your age when I moved in.
I'm not moving in.
Look, um, I know he says all the wrong things, but his heart's in the right place.
He could look after you both of you if you let him.
I cannot believe you're pregnant.
Neither can I.
I'm gonna be an aunty.
So's Tilda.
Weird.
I'm sure you are so sick of just random strangers touching your belly and Yep.
Can I? It's so hard.
Feels like a bowling ball.
Was that, like You ready? I'll take you up.
Good luck.
I'll just be waiting down here.
Are you OK? Pretty nervous.
Don't be.
This is the fun part.
There's your baby.
So it's got a good, strong heartbeat.
And did you wanna know the sex? It's a boy.
Whacko.
It's a boy.
How about that? Bad time? No.
Not really.
I just wanted to thank you for talking to Adam.
Oh, yeah, look, it was I don't know what you said, but you really got through to him.
Did I? Look, I-I'm sorry if I upset him, I tried to break it to him gently but he seemed to take it pretty hard.
Yeah, that was always gonna happen.
The kid's a marshmallow.
Takes after his father.
Ah.
The important thing is that now he hates you, not me.
Great.
Well, I suppose I should let you get back to it.
Yeah, I should Thanks, Mark.
Look at it this way she obviously has a lot of confidence in your ability.
My ability to reduce her adult son to tears.
Among other things.
How far up the leg are we talking? Think I preferred her when she was trying to sack me.
No, no, no, you're not gonna get me! Whoa! Hey, slow down.
Hey, settle down! Out of it, you monkeys.
Here she comes, I think.
She's coming, she's coming.
Oh! Hi, Justin.
Oh, thank you, darling.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Welcome, everyone, to the very low-key wedding of Lewis and Gemma.
Gem You know me better than anyone and you're still here.
You put up with my dodgy shorts and my lack of self-awareness and my big mouth.
It's a tough combo.
I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
But when I'm with you, I'm alright.
I know I don't say it enough but I love you so much.
Wherever you wanna go, I'll follow.
You are the most stubborn, loyal unpretentious man I've ever met.
Your relationship with the barbecue is is really not healthy.
Your jokes are off-colour but you make me feel like I'm the centre of the universe.
You protect me and you inspire me and I'm not going anywhere without you.
Lewis and Gemma, you have committed to each other in marriage by the exchange of vows and the giving of rings.
By the authority vested in me and with a lot of joy, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Careful! Take a look at her.
Mmm.
She's fine.
Mm-hm.
She's better than fine.
Yeah, she's bloody terrifying.
Careful, Stell! I just wanna say a few words.
Firstly I really want to thank Abi and Mark for coughing up their backyard for us.
It's a really lovely gesture and, you know, it's gone a long way.
Well, Gemma and I my wife and I we really appreciate it.
And to all the friends and family who've made the trip down, thank you very much.
Most of all I'd like to thank my three beautiful daughters.
I hope you all know how proud I am of you.
And Gemma and I are really chuffed that you're here today.
To Lewis and Gemma! To Lewis and Gemma! You OK? Look, I know it wasn't easy for you today, but I'm really glad you came.
Do you think you might stay? It'd mean a lot to your dad.
And to Tilly.
And me.
You know what, if you do stick around, you can call your dad 'Grandpa' every day, and that is going to make me feel really, really old.
Guess I could hang.
- For a while.
- OK.
OK.
OK.
Anyone for a dance, girls? Yeah.
Come on.
Fine.
Yeah! Well, that was easier than I thought.
Hey, beautiful.
We're moving back to Sydney.
Sometimes I need help, juggling everything.
The difference is, I ask for help when I need it.
No.
The difference is, you'll get it.
Abby.
Abby! If they don't have my name, and I lose this hearing, what's left of me in their lives? I think I just figured out your scam.
Did you do it to me? Did you set me up? I love you.
Zack! I'm the one who was supposed to be looking after him.
Yeah, you were, and you didn't mate.
Where the bloody hell is he? Zack, where are you? Should we foster a child? It's gonna be alright, Phoeb.
It's gonna be better than alright.
You right there, Phoebs? I need to push.
What? No! I need to push! You broke something! I'm not coming home.
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