How I Met Your Mother s01e05 Episode Script
Okay Awesome
OLDER TED: So, kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf? - Why does he even ask? - I know, he's just gonna tell us anyway.
I sure am.
It all began when Robin strolled into the bar and said - Say you're my bitch.
- I'm your bitch.
Why this time? Because tonight, I am getting us all into Okay.
Okay? Awesome! What's going on? Did I just have a stroke? Okay is the name of a club.
Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive.
This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, couldn't get in.
A friend of yours named you? No, a friend of mine named, shut up! Yeah, well, the owner goes to my gym.
It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News 1.
- So now I'm on the list for tonight.
- Nice going, Scherbatsky.
You're becoming a long-and-difficult- to-spell household name.
He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Yeah, he just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean.
All right, what does VIP stand for in your little universe? Well, I know that the P is Penis.
Right, so you guys are in.
Should I invite Marshall and Lily? OLDER TED: Why was this funny? I'll explain.
You see, Lily was a kindergarten teacher.
And so, one fateful naptime Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming little bed and breakfast.
It was so nice.
What did you do this weekend? - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! - Chug! Come on! Chug! Chug! - Ten seconds! - Suck it, losers! (BELCHING) You know, quiet time with the fiancé.
I don't know, I just felt embarrassed.
Claire's my age, and she and her husband do all this classy grown-up stuff.
Maybe we should start doing some grown-up stuff.
That's some pretty grown-up stuff we did this morning.
Yeah, but it wasn't classy.
Maybe we should have a winetasting party.
I like wine.
I like tasting.
You know I can party.
Let's do it.
Let's rock it.
Maturity style! And ever since then, she's been signing him up for book clubs, - cooking classes.
- All the things you do when you know where your next thousand lays are coming from.
So, no, Lily and Marshall will not be joining us.
Got it.
Anyway, Ted, part two of my story.
My friend Kelly's gonna be there.
- Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love.
- Oh, you are gonna love Kelly.
She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.
Translation: She's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.
- Oh, and she's totally hot.
- Okay.
I guess I could take her off your hands for an evening.
So, do you have any other hot single friends? No.
Kelly works in - Oh, no, Ted! Your blazer.
- What? What? What? Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it.
Love it.
Thank you.
And his hair was perfect.
Hey, we're wearing the same shirt.
Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects.
You really never read my blog, do you? All right, Tin Man.
Let's hit it.
All right, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.
- What the hell happened to these two? - Marshall and I are just growing up.
Yeah, it's gonna be sweet, too.
Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool gourmet cheeses.
Wow! Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.
All right, cool kids are leaving now.
Grandma, Grandpa, don't wait up.
(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING) My, oh, my! There are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight.
All right.
Hook-up strategy: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.
These strategies ever work for you? The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way, the answer's about half the time.
My bitches! Check this out.
They're with me.
We're her bitches, too.
We'll wait here.
And with today's interest rate climate, you gotta go for the 30-year fixed mortgage.
- Oh, totally.
- Yeah.
So, Marshall, what about you? You guys thinking house, baby? (ALL EXCLAIMING) No, I think we're gonna wait on the baby thing.
I mean, I love babies.
Babies rule.
Pudgy arms and stuff.
But they make you old.
Kind of like this anchor weighing you down to one spot.
Forever.
I'm three months pregnant.
Not awkward, guys.
Not awkward unless we let it be awkward.
- This place seems great.
- Yeah.
- Is Kelly here? - Yeah, she's around somewhere.
Let's go find her.
I'll introduce you guys.
Then I should probably duck into the VIP room.
It's so stupid and arbitrary, isn't it? - Who gets to be a VIP and who doesn't.
- Can we come? It's not that arbitrary.
- Whoa, this place is loud.
- You think? (LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) Think it was kind of weird that Ted didn't invite me out with him? Why? You'd rather be out at some dance club? All noisy and sweaty with the (IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC) Is that what you want? Is this what you want? '30-year fixed mortgage.
' (IN BRITISH ACCENT) 'I'm three months pregnant.
' That was awkward.
- Let's start drinking.
- (CHUCKLING) Not so fast.
In order for the tannins to mellow, we should let it breathe for about 30 minutes.
Freaking tannins.
Okay.
You know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video.
And I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.
Come on.
It's not that bad.
We're really starting to click with these guys.
Claire and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest next Saturday night.
Are you honestly trying to get me excited about fondue? It's dipping stuff in hot cheese.
What's not to love? Okay, that does sound good.
But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.
Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.
Marshall knew she was right.
He had to stop acting like a kid.
But not tonight.
Now, our apartment was on the third floor.
So I'm not sure if this part is actually true.
But Uncle Marshall swears it happened.
Taxi! The new album is great.
It's all smooth and polished.
Not all dark and heavy like the early stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Norah Jones just gets better and better.
Please tell me we can drink the wine now.
Five more minutes.
We don't wanna rush those tannins.
Freaking tannins.
I'm wetting my pants! (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC RESTARTS) No, no, I was just saying that I think that's when I realized, clubs weren't awesome.
Clubs weren't even okay.
Clubs sucked.
I had to get out of there.
- Hey, Robin! - Hey! - Why aren't you inside? - I'm calling the owner.
There's a guy in there who won't let me into the stupid VIP room.
What are you doing here? Oh, I have this move.
So I came here to bust it.
Can you get me in? Great, voicemail.
- Thanks, I'll see you.
- Bye.
Oh, come on! He just got here.
- He's probably famous.
- Oh, yeah.
Isn't there a third Affleck brother? Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something? Holy crap! We just saw Brian Affleck.
And, it's not like I care so much about getting into the VIP room.
I have been in tons of VIP rooms.
Not exactly a VIP room virgin.
But seriously, call me back.
Oh, I was just in there.
Robin Scherbatsky.
I'm on the list.
Name's already crossed off.
Sorry.
But I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
I'm a reporter for Channel 1.
There's a Channel 1? Back of the line.
Should've snuck in with Brian Affleck.
(EXCLAIMING) Coat wench, do not uncheck that man's jacket! Sorry, I was just being dramatic.
You're not a wench.
No, no, no, coat wench.
I like it.
I should get a sign made up.
Wait.
What are you doing here? Lily let you go? (SCOFFING) Lily? Who cares, right? - You are so dead.
- Oh, I'm so dead.
- Well, I'm going home.
- No! I put my ass and probably other parts of my body on the line to come down here and party with my bro.
- Now damn it, we're gonna party.
- All right.
One beer.
Yes.
Finally I don't have to wait a half an hour for a drink.
Yeah! No tannins! Oh, man.
I can't believe I forgot to tell you this.
This is important to the story.
Earlier that day, Marshall went to the dentist and got a temporary crown put in.
Okay, so anyway What? C'mon, let's go! I'm staying! What? Marshall, are you okay? (PHONE RINGING) OLDER TED: Again, I wasn't there, so I'm a little foggy on the details.
Taxi! - Hey.
- Hey.
Marshall just ditched out on our own party.
Can you get me in there? I kind of need to kill him.
Actually, I can't even get myself in.
I was such a dork.
I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts.
I'm no VIP.
I'm not even an IP.
I'm just a lowly little P sitting out here in the gutter.
You know something? I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
There's Barney.
I'm leaving.
Hey! Broke my tooth! Do you have any aspirin? Maybe there's a machine in the restroom.
Now, to this day, I don't know what happened in there.
But when Marshall came out a few minutes later - Rough night? - Yeah.
These clubs are supposed to be fun, right? Why do I hate them so much? Because all of the stuff you're supposed to like, usually sucks.
Like these clubs.
Or cruises.
- Or New Year's Eve.
- Or the Super Bowl.
- Or parades.
- The Rockettes.
- Or parades.
- You said that already.
- I really hate parades.
- Okay.
He just left in the middle of our own party.
You don't do that.
Unless, of course, you're chasing after somebody who's already done it, and then I think it's okay.
Well, I hate to take his side.
But, come on, a winetasting? What's the big plan for next Saturday? Scrabble night? Don't check your email.
Why are you becoming this person? I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.
Once on a dare.
The other times were just for fun.
I'm not in college anymore.
I'd love to go back and be that person again, but you can't move backwards.
- You can only go forward.
- False.
You can go wherever you want.
I guess, the question is, where do you want to go? I want to go into this club and find my fiancé.
- Well, that you can't do.
- You wanna bet? Follow my lead.
Hey, big guy.
I said, follow my lead.
- Yes, please, please.
- Do it, do it.
- Follow her lead.
- You have to.
Follow it.
Please.
Those were the four greatest and only breasts I have ever seen.
Yeah.
See, if everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not.
- Right.
- Right.
So by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date Well, then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.
Right.
The DMV it is.
- Then we'll get our teeth cleaned.
- Sounds awful.
It's a date.
Okay.
But there's still one big question that needs to be answered.
How many of these coats do you think I could put on all at once? I'll go this way, you go that way.
Okay.
For the wedge.
Barney? - Barney.
- Ted.
- Get your coat, we're leaving.
- What? What happened to that cutlet you were grinding with? - That was my cousin Leslie.
- What? No.
No.
No.
We are not laughing about this, Ted.
This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months.
It's not going to be like, 'Hey, remember that time 'when you were grinding with' No! And you know why? Because, italics, "This night did not happen.
" And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another living soul what transpired here tonight.
- You promise.
Promise.
- All right, I promise.
Let's get Marshall and go, okay? Hey, thanks for saving my night.
I'll taIk to you soon? - Hey, tip her, Barney.
- Why? I didn't check a coat.
And even if I did, on principle tip jars have become so Funny story.
Barney was grinding with this girl all night Fine! Just That's a handy new trick.
So Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth.
It was nice.
And then it got icky.
(YELLING) I'm really glad you guys came out tonight! (YELLING) You know, dude, can I just say something? It kind of hurt that you guys didn't invite me out.
I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged, but it would've been nice to be asked.
- I'm sorry! I assumed you had other plans.
- They played some good songs tonight.
- I mean, lately - I know, I know, it just, seems like suddenly we're living in two different worlds.
Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.
- What? - Are you crazy? You think I like going to those clubs? I'd so much rather go to your fruity little winetasting.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf! Where's my purse, where's my No, I'm okay.
The problem is you can't do any of that couple stuff unless you have someone to do it with.
And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out - and doing stupid single stuff with Barney.
- What? But, man, when I find her we're gonna have some bad-ass winetastings.
It's a plan.
Hey, maybe it'll be that cute coat-check girl.
Yeah.
Maybe it will be.
It wasn't.
You know, Ted.
I don't say this nearly enough - but I really value - Hey, that place has great salads.
I sure am.
It all began when Robin strolled into the bar and said - Say you're my bitch.
- I'm your bitch.
Why this time? Because tonight, I am getting us all into Okay.
Okay? Awesome! What's going on? Did I just have a stroke? Okay is the name of a club.
Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive.
This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, couldn't get in.
A friend of yours named you? No, a friend of mine named, shut up! Yeah, well, the owner goes to my gym.
It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News 1.
- So now I'm on the list for tonight.
- Nice going, Scherbatsky.
You're becoming a long-and-difficult- to-spell household name.
He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Yeah, he just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean.
All right, what does VIP stand for in your little universe? Well, I know that the P is Penis.
Right, so you guys are in.
Should I invite Marshall and Lily? OLDER TED: Why was this funny? I'll explain.
You see, Lily was a kindergarten teacher.
And so, one fateful naptime Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming little bed and breakfast.
It was so nice.
What did you do this weekend? - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! - Chug! Come on! Chug! Chug! - Ten seconds! - Suck it, losers! (BELCHING) You know, quiet time with the fiancé.
I don't know, I just felt embarrassed.
Claire's my age, and she and her husband do all this classy grown-up stuff.
Maybe we should start doing some grown-up stuff.
That's some pretty grown-up stuff we did this morning.
Yeah, but it wasn't classy.
Maybe we should have a winetasting party.
I like wine.
I like tasting.
You know I can party.
Let's do it.
Let's rock it.
Maturity style! And ever since then, she's been signing him up for book clubs, - cooking classes.
- All the things you do when you know where your next thousand lays are coming from.
So, no, Lily and Marshall will not be joining us.
Got it.
Anyway, Ted, part two of my story.
My friend Kelly's gonna be there.
- Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love.
- Oh, you are gonna love Kelly.
She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.
Translation: She's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.
- Oh, and she's totally hot.
- Okay.
I guess I could take her off your hands for an evening.
So, do you have any other hot single friends? No.
Kelly works in - Oh, no, Ted! Your blazer.
- What? What? What? Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it.
Love it.
Thank you.
And his hair was perfect.
Hey, we're wearing the same shirt.
Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects.
You really never read my blog, do you? All right, Tin Man.
Let's hit it.
All right, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.
- What the hell happened to these two? - Marshall and I are just growing up.
Yeah, it's gonna be sweet, too.
Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool gourmet cheeses.
Wow! Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.
All right, cool kids are leaving now.
Grandma, Grandpa, don't wait up.
(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING) My, oh, my! There are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight.
All right.
Hook-up strategy: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.
These strategies ever work for you? The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way, the answer's about half the time.
My bitches! Check this out.
They're with me.
We're her bitches, too.
We'll wait here.
And with today's interest rate climate, you gotta go for the 30-year fixed mortgage.
- Oh, totally.
- Yeah.
So, Marshall, what about you? You guys thinking house, baby? (ALL EXCLAIMING) No, I think we're gonna wait on the baby thing.
I mean, I love babies.
Babies rule.
Pudgy arms and stuff.
But they make you old.
Kind of like this anchor weighing you down to one spot.
Forever.
I'm three months pregnant.
Not awkward, guys.
Not awkward unless we let it be awkward.
- This place seems great.
- Yeah.
- Is Kelly here? - Yeah, she's around somewhere.
Let's go find her.
I'll introduce you guys.
Then I should probably duck into the VIP room.
It's so stupid and arbitrary, isn't it? - Who gets to be a VIP and who doesn't.
- Can we come? It's not that arbitrary.
- Whoa, this place is loud.
- You think? (LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) Think it was kind of weird that Ted didn't invite me out with him? Why? You'd rather be out at some dance club? All noisy and sweaty with the (IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC) Is that what you want? Is this what you want? '30-year fixed mortgage.
' (IN BRITISH ACCENT) 'I'm three months pregnant.
' That was awkward.
- Let's start drinking.
- (CHUCKLING) Not so fast.
In order for the tannins to mellow, we should let it breathe for about 30 minutes.
Freaking tannins.
Okay.
You know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video.
And I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.
Come on.
It's not that bad.
We're really starting to click with these guys.
Claire and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest next Saturday night.
Are you honestly trying to get me excited about fondue? It's dipping stuff in hot cheese.
What's not to love? Okay, that does sound good.
But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.
Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.
Marshall knew she was right.
He had to stop acting like a kid.
But not tonight.
Now, our apartment was on the third floor.
So I'm not sure if this part is actually true.
But Uncle Marshall swears it happened.
Taxi! The new album is great.
It's all smooth and polished.
Not all dark and heavy like the early stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Norah Jones just gets better and better.
Please tell me we can drink the wine now.
Five more minutes.
We don't wanna rush those tannins.
Freaking tannins.
I'm wetting my pants! (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC RESTARTS) No, no, I was just saying that I think that's when I realized, clubs weren't awesome.
Clubs weren't even okay.
Clubs sucked.
I had to get out of there.
- Hey, Robin! - Hey! - Why aren't you inside? - I'm calling the owner.
There's a guy in there who won't let me into the stupid VIP room.
What are you doing here? Oh, I have this move.
So I came here to bust it.
Can you get me in? Great, voicemail.
- Thanks, I'll see you.
- Bye.
Oh, come on! He just got here.
- He's probably famous.
- Oh, yeah.
Isn't there a third Affleck brother? Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something? Holy crap! We just saw Brian Affleck.
And, it's not like I care so much about getting into the VIP room.
I have been in tons of VIP rooms.
Not exactly a VIP room virgin.
But seriously, call me back.
Oh, I was just in there.
Robin Scherbatsky.
I'm on the list.
Name's already crossed off.
Sorry.
But I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
I'm a reporter for Channel 1.
There's a Channel 1? Back of the line.
Should've snuck in with Brian Affleck.
(EXCLAIMING) Coat wench, do not uncheck that man's jacket! Sorry, I was just being dramatic.
You're not a wench.
No, no, no, coat wench.
I like it.
I should get a sign made up.
Wait.
What are you doing here? Lily let you go? (SCOFFING) Lily? Who cares, right? - You are so dead.
- Oh, I'm so dead.
- Well, I'm going home.
- No! I put my ass and probably other parts of my body on the line to come down here and party with my bro.
- Now damn it, we're gonna party.
- All right.
One beer.
Yes.
Finally I don't have to wait a half an hour for a drink.
Yeah! No tannins! Oh, man.
I can't believe I forgot to tell you this.
This is important to the story.
Earlier that day, Marshall went to the dentist and got a temporary crown put in.
Okay, so anyway What? C'mon, let's go! I'm staying! What? Marshall, are you okay? (PHONE RINGING) OLDER TED: Again, I wasn't there, so I'm a little foggy on the details.
Taxi! - Hey.
- Hey.
Marshall just ditched out on our own party.
Can you get me in there? I kind of need to kill him.
Actually, I can't even get myself in.
I was such a dork.
I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts.
I'm no VIP.
I'm not even an IP.
I'm just a lowly little P sitting out here in the gutter.
You know something? I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
There's Barney.
I'm leaving.
Hey! Broke my tooth! Do you have any aspirin? Maybe there's a machine in the restroom.
Now, to this day, I don't know what happened in there.
But when Marshall came out a few minutes later - Rough night? - Yeah.
These clubs are supposed to be fun, right? Why do I hate them so much? Because all of the stuff you're supposed to like, usually sucks.
Like these clubs.
Or cruises.
- Or New Year's Eve.
- Or the Super Bowl.
- Or parades.
- The Rockettes.
- Or parades.
- You said that already.
- I really hate parades.
- Okay.
He just left in the middle of our own party.
You don't do that.
Unless, of course, you're chasing after somebody who's already done it, and then I think it's okay.
Well, I hate to take his side.
But, come on, a winetasting? What's the big plan for next Saturday? Scrabble night? Don't check your email.
Why are you becoming this person? I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.
Once on a dare.
The other times were just for fun.
I'm not in college anymore.
I'd love to go back and be that person again, but you can't move backwards.
- You can only go forward.
- False.
You can go wherever you want.
I guess, the question is, where do you want to go? I want to go into this club and find my fiancé.
- Well, that you can't do.
- You wanna bet? Follow my lead.
Hey, big guy.
I said, follow my lead.
- Yes, please, please.
- Do it, do it.
- Follow her lead.
- You have to.
Follow it.
Please.
Those were the four greatest and only breasts I have ever seen.
Yeah.
See, if everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not.
- Right.
- Right.
So by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date Well, then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.
Right.
The DMV it is.
- Then we'll get our teeth cleaned.
- Sounds awful.
It's a date.
Okay.
But there's still one big question that needs to be answered.
How many of these coats do you think I could put on all at once? I'll go this way, you go that way.
Okay.
For the wedge.
Barney? - Barney.
- Ted.
- Get your coat, we're leaving.
- What? What happened to that cutlet you were grinding with? - That was my cousin Leslie.
- What? No.
No.
No.
We are not laughing about this, Ted.
This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months.
It's not going to be like, 'Hey, remember that time 'when you were grinding with' No! And you know why? Because, italics, "This night did not happen.
" And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another living soul what transpired here tonight.
- You promise.
Promise.
- All right, I promise.
Let's get Marshall and go, okay? Hey, thanks for saving my night.
I'll taIk to you soon? - Hey, tip her, Barney.
- Why? I didn't check a coat.
And even if I did, on principle tip jars have become so Funny story.
Barney was grinding with this girl all night Fine! Just That's a handy new trick.
So Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth.
It was nice.
And then it got icky.
(YELLING) I'm really glad you guys came out tonight! (YELLING) You know, dude, can I just say something? It kind of hurt that you guys didn't invite me out.
I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged, but it would've been nice to be asked.
- I'm sorry! I assumed you had other plans.
- They played some good songs tonight.
- I mean, lately - I know, I know, it just, seems like suddenly we're living in two different worlds.
Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.
- What? - Are you crazy? You think I like going to those clubs? I'd so much rather go to your fruity little winetasting.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf! Where's my purse, where's my No, I'm okay.
The problem is you can't do any of that couple stuff unless you have someone to do it with.
And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out - and doing stupid single stuff with Barney.
- What? But, man, when I find her we're gonna have some bad-ass winetastings.
It's a plan.
Hey, maybe it'll be that cute coat-check girl.
Yeah.
Maybe it will be.
It wasn't.
You know, Ted.
I don't say this nearly enough - but I really value - Hey, that place has great salads.