Idiotsitter (2014) Episode Scripts

Rush, Rush

I can't believe I'm making out with Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks.
You're like my least favorite character in the show.
I was in Twin Peaks.
Yeah, I know, I already said that.
Billie, oh, Billie.
Oh, Ray Wise from Twin Peaks.
I was also in Robocop.
No, no, no, don't list your other credits, that ruins it.
- I was in Twin Peaks! - I know! I know! I know! Oh, hey, check out this thing I can do really good.
- Can you hop? - What? Stop! Just stop! Okay, stop! Oh! Was I sleep-molesting you again? Yes.
- Should I go? - Yes.
Okay I'll go, I'm just There's no way you're not gonna tell anyone about this - No.
- Okay.
So, I'll just - Am I still dreaming? - No! I shoulda caught that.
That's probably why they call it a dream catcher.
Leave! Okay.
Eh-hem! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's cool.
Who is Maxwell Sheffield? - The dad from "The Nanny".
- Yeah, I'm not him.
- I could be Niles.
- What? What are you doing? Agh! My cheek smells like cheese.
- I ate cheese.
- Hedra, don't touch me! - I have to get my own place.
- No, no, no! It's been so nice having you.
I mean, I get kinda lonely, so - I'm here! - Can you not be? I would love a hot tea, if you're running out.
She'd love a hot tea.
Hot tea! And stop wearing my pajamas.
Don't slam the door, okay? - (DOOR SLAMS) - There it is.
Okay, Billie all right.
Maybe you could just apologize to Dana, you know? It's not like anyone would sleep-walk into his weird lotion-y bed on purpose.
He said if I did it again, he'd make a formal report - and I'll lose my job.
- Uh-huh.
I guess I've just never noticed, because I usually sleep alone.
That's cool and not depressing.
I'm having a really hard time with this.
I either need to stop sleepwalking or get my own room.
I need money to get my own room and I don't have money.
Billie! I know! You don't have money! Okay? And I have a lot of it, and I could help you by giving you some.
We do this every day.
It's just getting boring.
Sorry.
Maybe you should just like crash here for a little bit, you know? I've already been here a week.
I can't just keep couch surfing in student housing.
Well, maybe this is just me, but like, surf's up, you know? I don't surf.
I just mean, like, you're welcome here, you know? You're like my sister.
But like my weird sister I can't change in front of.
[HEDRA] This is an option! Did you just stay here listening at the door and not go get her hot tea? Yeah I mean, no! Sisterhood of the Omega seeking House Mother, room and board.
Some pay.
Sounds fake and terrible and you shouldn't do it.
Is that what you were thinking? [HEDRA] It's just you and me, Gene, forever.
I mean, it doesn't hurt to check it out? - Yeah, I'll come.
- [HEDRA] Me, too! - How do we leave? - The window.
Hey, you want to hang in and talk about all our secrets? No, we're going to the Den Mother - No! - Oh.
Yeah! Nice save.
[BILLIE] This is gorgeous.
Really? I mean, it's so far from campus and it's kind of disgusting with the columns.
Ew.
They're pretty.
Who's ever liked a column? Oh hi! Oh, hi I'm Billie Brown and I saw your flier about the House Mother, I don't And I'm Gene Russell and you're just gonna want me in your sorority, I'm good at making up handshakes.
- Oh, yes come in! - Oh, thank you.
Great, do we have to take our shoes off or More like so-bore-ity all right.
I'll just go to one that wants me.
The coolest ones.
Sisters, someone saw the flier.
This is Billie Brown.
So nice to meet you, Billie.
Oh, thank you, nice to meet you.
I'm so honored to meet you, Billie.
Oh, wow! Thank you, and congratulations.
- Congratulations to you.
- Oh, thank you, I'm not pregnant.
Oh my gosh! Look at her clogs.
Oh, yeah, they're kinda dorky, huh? - We love them! - Monique blogs about them.
- Oh, okay.
- Are you thirsty? I just steeped a fresh pot of Quiet Moment Get out of here! That's my favorite tea! (GASPING) - Ours, too! - What? You all said that at the same time.
Hey, I'm Gene I'm here to pledge.
I heard you guys were sluts.
Hey, I'm Gene.
I'm here to pledge.
I'm a real slut.
Hi, I'm Gene and I'd like to pledge your sorority.
Sluts! I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, this is so beautiful! This is like, in my head, the room that I would have.
It's obviously meant to be! Why do you guys need a House Mother? I mean, I thought they nixed those in the 60's.
We're not really a sorority.
We're a sisterhood.
So we don't adhere to the Greek system mandates.
Wait, why is this called the Grace Jones Room? - We love her.
- What? Samesies! I invoke her spirit of power and individuality whenever I feel tamped down by the man.
We do the exact same thing.
For the power of Grace Jones.
Holy smokes, okay, you know what? Call me Mom! Yeah yeah, yeah! Oh, oh, oh, we should start getting ready - for the Septeth Circle Ceremony! - For what? Just a little traditional party to welcome you into the fold.
Oh! Hah-hah-hah! Hah-hah-hah! I don't know why we're laughing.
Hah-hah-hah! Dad Dad! Dad! - Gene-n-nie! - Oh! - My little queen-ie! - Hey, there you are.
For a second, I was like "Why is the statue of my dad not coming to life? Am I crazy?" I don't know.
I'm sorry about that.
No, I just figured you probably paid extra so that I could have a statue to talk to, you know? Ah, no, I'm more of a sub-conscience Never mind, why the frown, my tiny clown? Oh, we don't have to do the rhyming thing.
- Oh okay.
- It's kind of weird.
Naw, I just tried to go Greek, but turns out, I'm a geek.
- Oh - Dang it! - What happened to my mouth? - Oh, no, no.
You're not a geek! Billie's a geek.
- Yes! Thank you.
- Yeah! Right? - She's a total geek! - Yeah.
And like, they let her get in, kinda.
- And they didn't let me in.
Me! - Mm.
I think there's plenty of better houses that'd be dyin' to have ya'.
No, I tried.
I tried everywhere.
I tried every stupid house, and no stupid house wanted me.
You know what? I think you'd have better luck if you went over there there there What's happening right now, and where do I go? Uh-oh, just go up to the stop light and make a left Oh, I can't do lefts and rights.
- Okay, well, it's the - It's really hard for me.
The house across from the In-N-Out.
- Got it.
- Y'all-righty! (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) Hello? (DOOR CREAKING) Sorority? You left your door open! [BROTHERS] Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve.
Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve.
Holy shit.
I mean, twelves, elves, shelves - Drink.
- Uh, no thanks.
I'm like the opposite of parched, so - Drink! - Okay, yeah, I'll have a sip.
But then I gotta head out because I'm about to teach my buddy how to uh, swim.
[GENE] That's totally the truth.
Is this pig's blood or people's blood? I mean, I'd be down to try bat's blood.
- Drink.
- Drink.
Easy! On my own time.
Please don't turn me into a vampire! (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) Ugh, is that barbecue sauce? Oh, fraptious day! Calloo-callay! Warmest of welcomes, my fledgling fratello.
I don't speak Italian.
Every Wednesday at 5:00, we have an open rush.
No one ever actually comes but by drinking from the Goblet of Doom you have pledged! It's actually BBQ sauce and Hi-C.
Pretty raunchy, right? And we have accepted! Welcome to the fold of the Phi Beta Gaming Society.
Oh, yeah, I'm in.
- Ah! Yes! - Yes! Hey, it's me, I'm actually in your, um, dorm room.
I think I'm gonna take that job as House Mother.
The girls are so cool and smart.
They're always like complimenting me and hugging me.
- Ooh, speaking of Greek life - Oh, you're here I accidentally joined a fraternity and it's going pretty well.
Know what I mean? Billie? Oh, I lost her.
- Gene, I'm right here.
- Jesus Christ! Oh, my god.
I thought I was gonna choke, but I swallowed normally.
What are you wearing? My Phi Beta Cloak of Communion.
What are you wearing? My Wednesday outfit.
Mm it's cool.
[BILLIE] Um, what kind of sorority is this? It's more of a gaming society.
What do you mean, a gaming society? I can't really talk about it.
I'm not at liberty.
Okay, I'll tell you.
I'm the only girl and there's like various rituals and there's a lot of chanting, like (CHANTING) Sounds like Eyes Wide Shut.
I don't know what that means.
They're really into role playing games and aliens.
Are you sure you didn't accidentally join a cult? No, I wish.
They're not weird in like a murder-y way they're just like total dorks and virgins.
It must suck to be that uncool.
One, two, three.
I mean, I would actually like to help them, though.
You know, get them laid or like, ooh, get them to a party.
That would be great.
Get them out of the house.
My girls are actually throwing me a welcome party.
Isn't that sweet? You could bring them to that.
- Oh, that would be so great.
- Yeah.
Because it's probably gonna be like boring as shit.
So, just, you know, kind of ease them in.
Yeah.
Switch! Ooh, I get to sweep! Gosh, this is a good time! - Tell me about it.
- Hah-hah! So, Theresa, when are you due? What do you mean? Right.
Qu'est-ce que c'est ca? Just a dress I have.
Thought it would be perfect for you for the party.
Fabulous French comprehension and taste.
I thank you, Holly.
- Yeah-hah - I'll steam it! Nanoor, you're a dream.
Oh, B-T by the W I invited a friend of mine and she invited some guys.
I thought, "The more, the merrier!" So The Septeth ceremony is not a gathering for fools and whores.
It is sacred.
Your hand's bleeding.
Oh that hurts.
I I can uninvite her? Sounds good.
Okay so much glass.
- Then sweep.
- Okay.
- Tiny broom.
- Mm-hm.
Lesson one.
This is what most people call "outside".
- The temperature is alarming.
- Come on, Henry.
Lesson two, these are girls.
My Lady Hawke is out there somewhere.
Okay, I don't know what you're talking about and I'm not wet.
It's the worst place to be as a woman.
Okay, so, lesson three.
If you don't have anything cool to say say nothing and wink.
That's your face's way of saying "I have got a huge donk.
" Ooh! This is a perfect girl to try on, she is a nerd.
Billie? I heard everything you just said.
I was right there.
I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine.
Oh hi.
- He has huge junks.
- Okay.
Come on, guys.
- Hey, Billie.
- Hi, girls! Jesus, where did they come from? Was that magic? Billie, aren't you gonna be late for your 10:00 o'clock class? Oh, um, well, it's actually not for ten minutes, but thank you.
We can walk you over right now.
We're on our way to science.
- That sounds made up.
- Ssh.
What can we bring to the party tomorrow night? - Condoms! - Shh! No one talk, all right? Although, we should bring condoms.
I don't want to run into that situation.
Um, so - Tell them.
- Okay.
Uh, turns out the party's canceled.
The truth, Billie.
All right, the Septeth Circle Ceremony is for sisters only, so Isn't the Septeth Circle a ritual from the Teal Planets of Gnar? - Oh, I don't - (HISSING) Billie, you dropped something our friendship! She can't hear me.
You guys are terrible with women.
And why aren't we all wearing our robes? Okay, explain it to me one more time, as if I was stupid.
But just to be very clear, I'm super big-brained.
It's a science fiction fantasy series by Grace Jones Oh Strang-ay! Billie and I like to invoke her all the time.
- Different Grace Jones.
- Oh.
That takes place on the planet of Gnar where the Omega Sisterhood ritualistically sacrifices one virgin every year to remain chaste.
I read it every summer while my parents are in Cabo.
A bunch of prostitutes kind of turned it into this "born-again virgin" religious movement in the 70's.
It was real weird.
Whoa pictures.
Where did it start? It looks like they started at the breasts because there's a lot of attention to detail.
- Not the picture, Gene.
- Yeah, I know.
It started here.
Should we call the police? Yeah, I mean, they're not gonna actually sacrifice somebody.
I mean, if they are, it feels like a college campus is a stupid place to look for a virgin.
- Huh-huh yeah.
- Right, yeah, no.
That's true.
Wait a minute Any bats in the belfry? Uh no.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh! - It's time.
- Wear this.
Oh that's pretty.
Um could I have a moment to change alone or maybe just a larger shirt to change under? - Drink.
- Okay more Quiet Time? Okay gulp, gulp, gul I'm just not very thirsty.
- No, no, no, no - Oh Thank you, that was helpful.
Got it all in there.
It's not gonna turn me into a vampire, is it? (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, who wore it best? Am I right? Not important.
I'm here on totally casual non-science fiction-related business.
Is Billie here? - No.
- I see her.
She's unavailable.
What did you beautiful creatures do to her? Wow.
I thought you knew her.
I I do know her.
- Billie sleepwalks.
- I know.
She just looks like Like she's sleepwalking.
We're taking care of her.
She's fine.
Okay Bil Billie? Hey, weirdo, why the long beard-o? What? Sorry, they don't always land, honey.
- Oh, that's okay.
- So, what's up, young pup? Well, I thought Billie was in danger like the little girl from Stranger Things.
Dang it! Why am I such a good wordsmith? I don't know, but if she is in danger you don't seem too worried about it.
Nah, I think I just letting my imagination get the best of me.
- Oh, yeah, maybe it did, maybe - Yeah.
But, you know, maybe the best of you knows that she really needs you, comprende? Are you speaking Italian? No, I'm not speaking It Look, all I'm saying, that you should trust your instincts on this one, go with your gut.
Your gu your gu I still don't know what's happening.
For god's sake, ju go get her! She's in a cult, okay? Oh, okay.
Oh oh, God.
Not yet but I will be.
We all will be except for you you'll be dead.
Dead? No, wait! Look, I don't know what's going on here but you wouldn't kill me! You like me, remember? Rem clogs clogs! [BLEEP] your clogs! Tonight, we as sisters are born again.
As we shed the blood of a virgin elder we restore our hymens and start anew, pure and wholesome.
Hey! I'm not a virgin! I'm not a virgin! I'm not Okay, all right, you know what? I see where the confusion might have come from but that is old news, sister, okay? I am a sex person now! I do sex! I do sex! I do so much sex! Either way, this is really sad.
By the power of Grace Jones, we are virgin once more! She was very sexually progressive! She would hate this! (MONASTIC CHANTING) Om (CHANTING CONTINUES) Ah What is that? No.
What is that? Oh no, please.
You know what? I did it.
His name was Brett and we did it in a T-shirt! It's so specific and pathetic that I almost want to believe her.
I am specific and pathetic! Believe me! Silence! The serpent's lies can't free her from the hand of God.
I hope you didn't like living.
Bye, Billie.
Or hi, Billie.
- Gene! - What? That was a rhyme and a badass intro.
Get back, cult [BLEEP]! Stay away from my slut.
- Thank you, Gene.
- You're welcome.
You can have her.
Oh, that was easy like Billie.
See? See? You see? - Come and get her.
- I I am.
Hi, nice to meet you.
[BLEEP], you fat dick! Gene, she's pregnant! Don't No, I'm not, bitch! Don't call her a bitch, you fat bitch! Hey, I think I'm gonna take off.
My chest is like kind of cramping, so We don't leave without Billie! Well, you can always go with her to Hades! Ahh! Cult and nerd gender fight! (MONASTIC CHANTING) Someone let me out of here! Come on, I want to hit someone! Hey, nerd, release me! Get him right in the tooth! Oh, god, that hurts! Let's stop.
Billie! Oh, [BLEEP]! Oh, god.
By the power of Grace Jones! No.
Billie, you did it! - Got her with my clog! - Totally clogged someone! - Oh-ho-ho! - We're the sole survivors.
- Wait, everyone died? - Yeah.
Ah, yeah, I'm just gonna go.
I I am pregnant, so I've been saying that the whole time! Well Eight female members of the science fiction chastity cult were arrested earlier tonight for the attempted murder of a supposed virgin.
Hey, thanks for saving me tonight.
Of course, I love you, ya turkey.
Agh your face.
Yeah, yours looks disgusting.
I look like I got in a cool action movie fight.
You look like you grew up in a cave.
But that's in a cool action movie, as well? - No.
- There could be a cool cave action movie I'd watch that.
Could you sports balm my back, please? Yeah, of course, I got your boobs, sister.
No, my back.
- No, I know.
- Balm me up! Gentle, gentle.
Don't pa Don't hit.
Do you know what gentle means? Yeah, not Jewish.
Give me the balm.
- [BILLIE] Take a train! - [GENE] Train! Give me the balm.
Hey, you're the You're No, don't say it! - I want to so bad - Don't say it! Go to sleep right now! Or I'm leaving.
Don't say it.
You're the balm! Billie, you're the balm!