Idiotsitter (2014) Episode Scripts

School's Out

I gathered you all here together because you are all implicated in Mr.
Body's dastardly blackmail! Did none of you deduce that the others were involved, too? (THUNDER CRASHING) Ones who are dead in the other room.
I bet it was Mrs.
Peacock.
I would never trust a bird.
- (LOUD SNORING) - Hedra! Can you not see I'm watching what's turning out to be the greatest movie of all time? - (SNORING CONTINUES) - Hedra! Hedra! Agh! Oh, god.
I just had a dream I was a pregnant seahorse.
Oh, my god, me, too.
Oh, my gosh Hedra, I didn't know you liked anyone other than me.
Oh, I'm sorry, G.
G.
I'm off for the summer, so it's strictly dick-ly 'til fall.
School's out, you know? What do you mean, school's out? K.
I.
T.
But I like it and I didn't like it at first, but now I do and I think we should all stay because I want us to.
I'm Dev, by the way.
I know.
You've introduced yourself so many times.
Where are you go No! Hedra! I'm right here! No! Don't Okay, it's happening.
[GENE] Stop looking at me.
I hate both of you so much! (THUNDER ROLLING) - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Mm, mm-hm.
All right, bye-bye.
Yes, yes! You wanted to see me? - Ah, and now I do.
- Yeah, it's a great joke.
- Hi, sorry! - Oh, hi! I'm trying to fix Paula.
- Oh, we're not hugging.
- That's what I named the printer.
- Okay.
- Well, have a seat, Ms.
Brown.
You can move my bicycle if you need a little extra room.
Sure, I'll - Put her over there.
- Just anywhere? Lift with your back.
There we go! All right.
This is just an informal end-of-the-year evaluation that I like to do.
Dean Arnold's office.
Oh, hi, is this the I.
T.
guy? Ah, thank Jerusalem.
All right, question number one; do you like being a teacher? Ah, no, I don't like it.
I love it.
Ha! - The printer's acting up - It's a joke.
ever since I spilled the slightest amount of soup on it.
Do you feel as though you could do anything else with your life? Uh, you're not gonna fire me, are you? - Oh, no! No, no, no.
- Oh, okay.
That's crazy.
No, I don't know what kind of soup - Orange? - Do you have a backup plan if teaching does not work out? I don't.
It really feels like you, uh are gonna fire me.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, it's making this horrible sound.
- Hold on, I'm gonna fix this now.
- May I just say something? - This'll do it.
- I'd really rather you did not.
- I just want to say that - Hold on.
- even if I could do something - Ow! Hold on.
else, I wouldn't, because I was born to teach.
Teaching is in my blood, I have teacher blood.
Oh, no, no, no, no, there's a woman here she's giving a very lengthy speech.
She has some type of blood disease.
No, I don't have a blood disease.
I just I'm so sorry, I'm on a very important business call.
Okay.
I'm so sorry, there's quite a bit of soup on it now.
- Okay.
- I meant no.
I I Thank you for letting me come pack, Dana.
I know it's been a little tense since the whole sleepwalking incident.
And I appreciate how well you're handling it.
[DANA] Oh, you're welcome, Wilhemina.
Um and you know, maybe next year we can start to be friends again.
Oh, you're coming back? Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Well, I hear they're making a lotta cutbacks.
I mean, first years are usually first to go.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) (GULPS) Who's that? - I don't know.
- That could be a predator.
- You're holding a knife.
- Don't answer that.
I'm not expecting anyone.
"To Billie and Dana"! Uh, that's a federal offense to read someone else's mail.
It's addressed to both of us, like we're a couple.
Ugh "You've been invited to an End-of-the-Year Honors Party at the Library tonight dress slutty slash old timey.
" Is this a thing? If it is, I've never heard of it.
Stay on your side.
Well, I doubt they invite teachers who aren't coming back next year.
You wanna check it out together? - I'm pointing a knife at you.
- (THUNDER CRASHING) Your loss I'm gonna party.
- My god, is that how you dance? - Yeah.
- (JOINT CRACKS) - Ow, ow, my hip.
Ow.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, guys.
Am I early? I came on time as to avoid the cats and dogs outside.
So no one dressed slutty and old-timey? Oh, I did! And I'm already having fun! As much as I loved the bike ride over here Oh, by the way, I, uh I got a new bike.
I know, I moved it.
What is going on here? I thought you said this was mandatory, Timothy.
That's what the letter that I got said.
I got a letter, too.
Who would hang chains on the bookshelves that aren't chaining anything up? Welcome to the Murder Mystery Escape Room! Oh, are you serious? Come on, this turnout sucks butt.
I invited like a hundred and a half people.
- You did this? - Yes.
All right, you guys wanna get out of here? - Yes.
- Of course.
Wait, no, no, no! I promise it'll be fun! Wait.
Timothy, you're gonna be Professor Grapes.
Oh, I've always wanted to be a professor.
- You can be the sexy maid.
- Ooh, I love sex! Billie, you can be Miss Charlotte.
No, that's a stupid name.
Stop.
Dean Arnold, you're my favorite, Colonel Mayonnaise.
No, no, no, no, I'm not.
And you're Mrs.
Pussywillow.
Oh, I love pussies! I have a Scottish Fold.
Okay, I think I speak for almost everyone here when I say that no one's into this plan.
You have 60 minutes to figure out all the clues and unlock all the locks including this lock on this very door or else you'll never escape the room! Your time starts now.
- No! - No! Don't swallow it, you idiot! Oh, my god, she's choking on it! What are we all yelling about? (SWALLOWS) Oh oh, they make that look so easy in kids' movies.
How are we supposed to get out now, Gene? You figure out the clues and then you use the you use the Right right.
- (THUNDER CRASHING) - Agh! Somebody do something! Oh, I thought that would work.
Wait a minute Windy! Windy has a key! Where's Windy? (BOOKS FALLING) My office! Windy! Windy! Oh, Windy, thank god you're here.
Do you have a spare key? [MAN] Windy left already.
Do I know you? Agh! I mean, yes you do.
Um, you recommended I not be hired by your colleague.
Do you work here now? Did you hire him? - I did.
- Great.
Welcome to Welcome aboard.
I'm having so much fun.
Ugh it's going to voicemail campus security must be gone already.
Okay, so, let me get this right, okay, Gene? - Okay.
- Okay? So, you invited all of us to a party and then you locked us in a room so that we would bond so much that we wouldn't want to leave school? - Sure.
- Okay, no! Don't just say "sure" casually like it's some normal plan.
Look, okay, I was watching a movie last night where there was a bunch of people in it with names like the ones that I gave you guys and they were all locked in a house and they had like the best frickin' night of their lives.
Okay, and I can't remember the name of the movie right now.
Clue? Uh, it's a murder mystery, they all drink soup in it.
- Clue.
- It's monkey's brain, actually.
- Ooh my, the soup's delicious.
- Clue.
- Tim Curly's in it - I'm the maid! Ugh, tits.
Gross.
So, you were hired to replace someone in the history department, but you don't know who it is? Nope.
- Is it me? - I honestly don't remember you.
I'm Billie Brown.
I guest lectured in your class and you recommended they not hire me and you fined me for smoking.
Well, you are pretty smoking.
I know thank you.
You're very welcome.
Uh, hey, sorry to interrupt that thing but Professor Cal, I'm wondering if you could come help us out? I would love to help you, Dean.
Oh, I can help, too.
No no, don't worry about that, Billie.
You see, Professor Cal or Prof Cal he's kind of great at this sort of thing.
Yes, well, I'm a survivalist.
I was on Naked.
On what? A little television show, Naked and Afraid? But I was only one of those things.
- It was naked.
- Right.
Um, I think Windy has some tools, so I'll just look for 'em, 'cause I can jimmy the lock, I think.
- If he can't figure - (THUNDER CRASHING) (BEA SCREAMING) Billie is the murderer! I'm not the murderer, Bea.
No one murdered.
I just got a screwdriver.
I'll text my boy, Bodhi.
He can open anything.
We used to do banks jobs together - to fuel our endless summer.
- Oh, wow.
Did he just act like he lived Point Break? Yeah, that's the plot of Point Break.
Hah-hah, he's just out surfin' my guy.
He's around.
He'll be here in a couple hours.
- Great.
- What should we do until then? We could switch jackets.
Why would I do that with you? For fun.
Okay.
- Actually, I don't want to.
- Oh.
Who's ready for another drinky or a cracker? I wish there was a spread like this in the Bolivian rainforest.
I used to chew tree bark and call it "jungle gum".
I never have I ever had this many drinks.
[TIMOTHY] This is fun.
Uh, Timothy, that is not how that game works.
Tell us another story.
Well, so there I was, I was naked Bunch of monsters.
I spent all this time making the coolest escape room and instead they're playing a child's drinking game.
I might not have a job.
Are you listening to my important problem? One day you're living the dream, and then it's cutbacks and Cal! I don't understand your story at all.
But I don't need to be caught up.
He's replacing someone in the history department, Gene.
That could be me.
Ooh! A mystery! Okay, let's gather everyone together I'll solve it and then everyone'll be like, Gene you're so good at mysteries, let's never leave school.
That's not the point.
The point is, no one leaves this room until I know I have a job next year or they're Yeah, say it, Billie.
They'll be in trouble with me.
In trouble enough to kill? Stop talking about your stupid mystery! You need to help me figure this out.
- (STOMACH RUMBLES) - Ow ow, ow.
I'm sorry, that's too hard.
No, no, no, it's my stomach, okay? It's not agreeing with the key.
All right, Billie, I'll do it.
I'm gonna take on the case of the possibly unemployed woman.
- Thank yo - Oh, god! I have major key belly.
- (KEYS JINGLING) - Can you hear it? - Yeah.
- Does it sound like Christmas? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) Never have I ever been stung by a bee and my name's Bea.
Isn't that funny? Your voice sounds made up.
Never have I ever had a moment of fear, doubt or regret.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
- [BILLIE] Cheers.
- [CAL] Cheers.
- Cheers.
- [CAL] Cheers.
Cheers.
[BILLIE] Oh (CLEARS THROAT) Never have I ever had to fire someone in this room.
Mm, like you.
- (GASPS) - (THUNDER CRASHING) - (STRUGGLING) - (THUD) (GASPS) Agh! Agh! Everybody relax! He's fine, he's just passed out.
That's not how you take a pulse.
- Yes, it is.
- Who punched him? [BILLIE] Who punched him? You're jumping ahead, Miss Charlotte.
Don't call me that.
The real question is, who had a motive? - All of you! - (ALL GASPING) You all want to keep your jobs, so you all had a motive.
But who revealed that one of you would lose your job? Timothy! But who gave Timothy the loose juice to make him talk? Bea! But who invited Bea.
- Me! - (GASPING) Well, I didn't I mean, I didn't do that.
- (STOMACH GROWLING) - Ugh! My tummy! Billie, I'm too weak.
I don't know how much time I have left.
That's okay.
Hey, Cal, when's your friend coming? I don't know, my phone died.
Wanna go in my office and smoke a J? That's my office! And no drug-doing! Ah-ite, then I'm gonna bounce.
- Excuse me.
- Bounce? - We're locked in - What? It might calm you down, dear.
Would you shut up, you stupid bitch! All you do is I'm sorry, I always lash out at you.
I just Something about your fac Would you wake up, you bike-riding asshole! [CAL] Yo! Check this out! Well, I'll see you monkeys on the other side of the jungle.
- Peace.
- [TIMOTHY] Wait, wait, wait No, I think that's a bad idea.
Why are you going in two-feet first? 'Cause I'm not a goddamn amateur.
- Peace! - He just keeps saying peace.
Close it as I'm leaving.
I think that leads to the furnace.
- Pay-ce! - Bye.
(LOUD CLANGING) - [CAL] I'm all right! - Oh.
- (FURNACE IGNITING) - [CAL] Oh, no! So you're telling me that you don't remember five minutes ago when I said never have I ever had to fire someone in this room, and then you drank and threw whiskey at Dean Arnold? Okay, the point of that story is, there's no conclusion.
- I will make out with you.
- Hey, no, stop! - I will! - Please don't! Please don't! Please stop! Stop, stop, stop, no, no, no! - (THUNDER CRASHING) - Ugh! It's getting painful.
Do you have anything that settles key belly? Let's see what Billie has over here.
Okay.
A hernia pillow, a cloudy baggie of vitamins Billie is such a loser.
Don't you just love her? - Not really.
- Uh-oh.
Oh, where is the library bathroom? Just passed the door with the giant lock on it.
Holy sh no, no, no.
I know you know something! Tell me or there will be consequences! What's happening? (THUNDER CRASHING) Windy, stop! Oh, sorry, my bad My ear buds must have gotten caught on your neck.
Goddamn you, Eduardo! Where did you come from? I was in the back of the library.
I was studying for my final tomorrow.
- Really? - Yeah.
And I was also learning French on my headphones - at the same time.
- No, you weren't.
I swear, on Ricky Martin's sexuality, I swear.
Okay, what else were you doing? I got freaked out after the third time the lights went out.
So I said to myself, "Hey, man, I'm gonna make a run for it.
" And I ran, I got tangled on her, and now I'm here.
On a side note, I'm super high.
There it There it is, there it is, he's high.
Side note for me, I was a little bit into that sexually.
- Don't encourage him.
- (GROANING) Oh, my god! Is he waking up? Hey! Uh, Dean Arnold? Dean Arnold? Who are you firing? Who are you firing! Jesus, take it down a notch.
- (STOMACH GROWLING) - Oh I don't think that noise came from his body.
Oh oh, that hurt a little.
No, it's fine.
- Agh! - Gene? - Oh, god! Oh, it's time.
- What time? - Shit o'clock - Oh my god.
Oh Oh, god! Can you all can you all hum or something? Ah! Eduardo! - Ah! - Ah! No! No, that sounds worse! That sounds worse than what's about to happen.
- (ALL HUMMING) - (FLY UNZIPS) Oh! Oh! Oh, no! - Okay Oh, god! - It's happening.
Billie, hold my hand! Agh! (CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING) I have a rip! - (KEYS JINGLING) - It's out.
I did it.
Gene! Gene! - Billie - Gene - Billie.
- Gene.
Did everyone have fun? Sure Did everyone bond? Not really.
Turns out it was me in the library with the shit I hope those aren't your last words.
- Tell my story, Bill.
- What? Tell my stor [BLEEP]! We gotta get her to the hospital! We gotta get her out of here! What do we do? Okay, the key.
Eduardo! - No.
- No.
Pamela? - Timothy.
- No.
- Eduardo! - Who are you? - Pamela! - Hm.
- Get the key! - Oh, come on! Okay, okay.
Shit! - (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) - No, no, no, no, no! (SQUISHING) I get that.
(SQUISHING) Holy sh (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance! I'll take it from here.
Dr.
Lowe? What are you doing here? What does it matter? The woman I love is dying.
Now take your poopy hands off of her! I just saved her li - You saved my life.
- Yes, yes, I did.
What, Eduardo? What? Uh, Dean Martin or whatever, woke up.
Are you coming? - Yeah, it's ju - Now! - She didn't even wipe, buddy.
- Eduardo! Didn't even wash her hands.
- He's old.
- He's crazy.
Please, somebody call an ambulance! Dean Arnold who are you letting go? - Me.
- (ALL GASPING) Oh, I'm gonna miss, you know, whoever that is.
- Eduardo.
- Yes, I found out earlier.
Why do you think I cold-cocked him? Dean Arnold fired me in the classroom because of sexual harassment with a minor.
That's disgusting.
You just stuck your hand into a pile of shit.
What's the word, little turd? Too soon.
JK.
Simmons.
Hey, where'd you go? You ghosted so hard.
Oh, right, yeah I went back to run the family business the Oreo factory.
My brother Beau and I, we never really got along and so we decided to split the business Oh, I can't get into the whole story right now.
I just shit a giant key out of my butthole.
But maybe later.
All right, I'll let you rest.
Oh, could we have a minute? Just for a second.
Why is he mean-mugging me? Did you do something shitty? - Good one.
- Thanks.
Hey, do you still have your job? Yeah, he fired Bea.
Bea? Doesn't sound familiar.
The British woman, we've been hanging out with her all night.
No no clue.
Are you feeling okay? Yeah, I wasn't and then, short story, I was.
Feeling good, because they gave me a-drugs.
- A-drugs? - And I didn't just have one.
I had I had a family of them.
Hey! Everyone had a really good time, Gene.
Liar.
- I love you, Gene.
- I love you, too, Miss Charlotte.
- Really, I don't like that name.
- Why? It's a stupid name for stupid people.
Yeah, you're right, only bitches are named - Charlotte.
- Charlotte.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Ugh come on, guys.
Litter bugs, god dang it.
Oh What are you doing? I was throwing that in the trash.
- Oh.
- There's a maggot in it.
Oh.
Okay.
Thought it was an apple for the teacher.
See see you next yeah.
See ya next year, Gene.
Helen Hunt? - [BILLIE] Take a train! - [GENE] Train! - Can you hear it? - Yeah, I hear it.
It's going like It's like I can't hear it.
You're crazy.