Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bird of Pray

1 (Buddy, voice-over) I couldn't get over how much had changed.
Last week, I was a godless lowlife on the run, and now I was the moral leader of an entire community.
One thing that hadn't changed I still had needs.
Just so you know, this isn't part of last night.
It's gonna run you another hundred.
Do I get a discount for your snoring? I have sleep apnea.
So you want it or not? Yes.
[Buddy moaning] Ohh ah ahh! Ah ooh Ooh, that sounds bad.
Buddy, are you o [Dora whimpers] Oh! Oh, Lordy Lord.
Oh, God! God damn it! Was that your wife? No.
I'm gay.
(Buddy, voice-over) This was bad, real bad.
If Dora knew I was lying about being gay [whispers] Come on! It wouldn't be long before she found out what else I was lying about which was everything.
Dora? Hi! I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's just when I got here this morning, I heard this horrible moaning, and so I-I Oh, I'm so sorry.
Listen, about what you saw Don't you worry.
Your secret is safe with me.
What what secret? Well, that you're having sex.
And I won't even ask who the mystery man is.
Thank you! Because he and I wanna keep this private, - you understand? - Oh, of course.
Of course.
Is it Steve the Mailman? 'Cause I've just always had my feelings about him.
What can I say? I never could resist a man in uniform.
1x03 - Bird of Pray I couldn't believe that Dora thought my hooker was a mailman.
Ha.
Ladner was the hottest craps table I'd ever been at.
- I just kept rolling 7s.
- [knocking] Hello, uh, uh - Oh.
- Yeah, no, I was just out on my morning power walk.
I thought I'd stop by to wish you good luck tomorrow, huh? Uh tomorrow? Sunday.
Your first service.
Oh! Right, yeah, of course.
- Hey, Thanks, Alden.
- Yes, I trust that you will give us a service that will uphold the dignified standards of your predecessor.
You don't have any of those services on video, do you? 'Cause I'd kinda like to see how it's done.
I mean how it used to be done.
Uh uh no, I don't.
Well, then off to walk the second 1/2 mile to the energizing beats of Mr.
Neil Diamond.
[snapping] It was panic time.
I could BS my way through a lot of things, but a church service wasn't one of them.
How's everybody doing? So, Jesus am I right? That's probably not gonna be enough.
Hey! Prepping for your big debut? Just checking out the sight lines and exits.
Um, I wanted to ask you something.
Are you allergic to any foods? Because your welcome party is a potluck, and we don't wanna kill you.
Green peppers make me fart, but other than that, I'm good.
Um, here is the program for Sunday's services, if you wanna take a look.
[chuckles] Looks like it's got the whole thing laid out for me word for word.
Yes.
Reverend Willis used to call it "pray by numbers.
" When he wasn't criticizing my margins.
- So it's all here.
- All there.
(Buddy) Yeah, baby, another 7! [giggles] Uh, pastor Buddy.
Sorry.
I was wondering if you had given any more thought to the personal matter that we emailed about prior to your arrival? Uh right.
The email.
You had a very clever subject line for that email.
What was it again? "Personal matter"? That's the one! Yeah.
I-it tells you all you need to know.
So what do you think? Will you do it? It's just it would mean so much to me.
Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
(Buddy) For whatever the hell I just agreed to.
Whoa.
Is that the Bouquet of Enchantment? Good eye! They're for Buddy, to wish him luck on his first service.
[laughs] Okay.
Let's get one thing straight.
He is not.
I'm not so sure about that.
I have a pretty strong gaydar.
Then maybe you want to get your antenna checked.
The other night he called me very sexy.
Buddy called you sexy.
- Very sexy.
- Okay.
In what context? In the context of me being very sexy.
Oh, yeah? And then what happened? - I - That's what I thought.
You got talk.
I prefer action.
Very sexy! [bell tolling] (Buddy) Good to see you.
You are rockin' that hat.
[chuckles] Congregation has waited a long time for this day, Pastor.
All eyes are on you.
And my eyes will be on this program, which I will be reading from to all of you.
Inspiring words.
Hi, Pastor, I'm Steve, your mailman.
It's great to meet you.
Uh you too.
"Great to meet you.
" Well played, Steve.
'Scuse me, hey, can I steal you for just two seconds? Okay, Buddy meet Scrunchie.
- What the f - Oh, you know.
He's sick.
I told you.
He can't keep any of his seed down.
He has lost almost 4 ounces.
That's why I'm so grateful to you for blessing him in your service today.
As per our emails.
Yeah! [Scrunchie squawks] Hey, Scrunchie, I'll see you upstairs.
- Ow! God damn it! - Oh, I'm so sorry! [organ plays] [organ music stops] "Prelude.
Let us pray.
" (congregation) Blessed be the Holy Trinity.
A mighty fortress Is our God A bulwark never failing Make us know the shortness of our life that we may gain wisdom of heart.
Thank you, Alexa, for that inspiring reading of psalm 90 colon one dash twelve.
Next up, the homily.
Who's gonna read that? [laughter] [chuckling dies down] Uh, it's time for your sermon, Pastor.
(Buddy) It was bound to happen.
Roll the dice enough times, sooner or later, it comes up snake eyes.
[funky organ music] (Buddy, voice-over) It was all going up in smoke.
I had to say something anything, and quick.
[Scrunchie squawks] [whistles] Oh, right.
We have a a sick member of our congregation here today.
[murmuring voices] Dora's bird Scrunchie.
[whispers] Thank you! He needs some healing.
[Scrunchie squawks] (Buddy, voice-over) And suddenly, I flash back to this crazy-ass preacher I used to watch on late night TV when I was stoned: Reverend Keeler, Nashville's Healer.
But first we must understand why Scrunchie is sick.
Because he believes he's sick.
Oh, yes, brothers and sisters, it is true.
And a lot of you are sick too.
- But the sickness - [congregation murmurs] The sickness is not of the body.
It is of the mind! [feedback whine] Let me ask you who here has ever said the words, "Lord, I am not worthy"? You, sir? You said that? Well, you're wrong! You are worthy, and you can have everything you want.
Now, I can see from your faces you're askin' "How, Pastor Buddy? How can we possibly have everything we want?" Well, listen closely.
Because this is the most important thing you're ever gonna hear.
[softly] All you have to do Is believe.
- Oh - Ah You wanna be thin? Say "I am thin!" You wanna be happy? Say, "I am happy!" You want money? Then say it with me.
I am money! (all) I am money.
Louder! Believe it! (all, louder) I am money! Yes! Whoo! Oh! Say you are what you want, and it will be yours.
I am Buddy.
I am Buddy.
(Buddy) Now, why would God bestow these blessings upon you? Because you are worthy.
Just like Scrunchie.
Whoo! So dear Lord bless this animal and make him better.
Amen! Hallelujah.
Pastor Buddy out! - [feedback whine] - [cheers and applause] (Steve) Pastor Buddy, because of you, I'm gonna buy a jet ski.
You can't afford that.
I am the jet ski! - Right on, brother.
- Pastor Buddy.
Yes? Are you homeless? No, little dude.
Why would you ask that? 'Cause my daddy says you're the poorest preacher he's ever seen.
Oh, look.
You dropped your doughnut.
Dick! Pastor Barlow.
A word, please.
As president of this congregation, I must say what you did in my church today was an abomination.
So it's an abomination to bring people together to heal one of their own? No.
What was all that "I am money" poppycock? You sounded like some sort of cheap carnival preacher.
(Buddy) Yes! Nailed it! Oh, Alden, wasn't it nice to see some joy in there - for once? - We're Lutheran.
We don't do joy.
We top out at quiet contentment.
Well, maybe it's time that changed.
Or not.
Just spit-balling.
I think what we're all saying is it was a good start.
No, sir.
What you did in there was tomfoolery of the highest order.
I demand a vote of the congregation to remove Pastor Barlow.
You know very well you need the approval of the church council.
And since it's us, clearly, you're not getting the votes.
I may not have the votes, but what I do have is the home number of my friend, the regional Bishop.
- Alden.
- Gonna tell on me? I'm gonna invite him to your welcome party.
Five minutes alone with Bishop Perkins, and you'll dig your own grave.
[scoffs] Oh, please! (Buddy, voice-over) More like two minutes.
(Buddy, voice-over) It was crunch time.
If I was gonna fool the Bishop, I had to learn the Bible from cover to cover.
Turns out the covers weren't the problem.
It was everything in between.
[knocking on door] Come in.
I am so sorry, but that Alden Schmidt does not know what he's talking about.
Now, Bishop Perkins may be kind of old-school, but I have faith that he's gonna see you for who you are.
Which would be A caring and progressive leader.
And religious scholar to boot, Mr.
two-time Central Florida Bible Trivia Champion.
Okay, let's let's not bring that up at the party.
I don't like to brag.
Oh, you.
You know, I'm kind of a buff myself.
Maybe I could take you on some time.
We have a ton of Bible trivia games here.
"Brother Bob's Bible Bash.
" Oh, no, but that one's just for kids who don't know anything about the Bible.
(Buddy, voice-over) Thank you, Brother Bob.
Buddy.
Buddy.
FYI, Alden and the Bishop just arrived.
FYI part two homemade cupcakes.
- Thank you! - They're delish oh.
I'd crammed my head with all the Bible trivia a third-grader could possibly hold.
I was ready to box with the Bishop.
Ooh.
He looks mean.
Hey, Russell.
What you got there? My world-famous oversized Swedish meatballs.
And I brought Dijon chicken breast from Celestino's.
I think I'll start with those.
Ah.
I had a feeling you were a breast man.
There you are.
Uh, Bishop Perkins, I'd like you to meet Pastor Barlow.
How do you do? I do pretty great, thanks.
I mean, I haven't healed the number of lepers that Jesus did in the Bible that answer is 11 but things are good.
You all right? You seem a little nervous.
Yeah.
You're not all hopped up on those poppers, are you? What? No! Where would I even find amyl nitrate? I mean, if that's what poppers are are they? I don't know.
Gentlemen, care for a martini? Yes! - I don't drink.
- Neither do I.
- Oh.
- Me neither.
I assumed this was a water martini.
Alexa! [scoffs] You know better than to offer us alcohol! She means well.
Oh I'll take two.
Thanks! Alexa, do me a favor.
Keep an eye on Steve the Mailman.
Don't let him drink too much.
- Could be bad for Buddy.
- For Buddy? Why? Well, you didn't hear it from me, but the other day, I walked in on him and Steve having relations.
Of a sexual nature.
With their mouths.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
Yeah! So if he gets soused, I mean, who knows what kind of holy heck could break loose? And we do not need a scene in front of the Bishop.
Not my cat, not my problem.
You know what I mean? It's like Excuse me.
You are not going to believe this.
Buddy had oral sex with Steve the Mailman.
What? I always had my feelings about them.
- I told you this.
- I know, but I didn't believe you.
It's a good thing Jesus isn't with us right now, or he might change these waters into wine.
- He did that, you know.
- Yes.
We're aware.
Pastor Barlow, Alden has concerns.
Grave concerns.
About whether your liturgical methods will mesh with the wholesome traditions of this community.
Of this community.
Well, just because I do things a little differently doesn't make this town any less wholesome.
[slap] No wonder you can't get it up for me.
You're blowing the Pastor! (Steve) Honey Stop, honey, come on, stop.
[door slams] Pastor, your study, now.
You've gotta believe me.
What that woman said is totally untrue.
- I have never blown - Sit.
You know, I have a joke.
Who's the funniest man in the Old Testament? Samson.
Because he brought the house down.
[laughs] [both laughing] Thou shalt not kill, but you killed on that one.
That's the Fifth Commandment, by the way.
I told that joke because it's from the Bible.
Do you know what else needs to be from the Bible? [clears throat] Your sermons.
- Also known as homilies.
- Hmm.
Reverend Willis liked to keep a private stash so that we could drink without the judging eyes of the parishioners.
Now, I am not going to tell you how to run your congregation and, uh, I'm willing to take your word that you didn't receive fellatio from one of its members.
Uh, just to be clear, nor did I give.
Ha.
But you will not survive as pastor here if you make an enemy of Alden Schmidt.
[sighs] I have to admit, we, uh we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.
Well, you better get on the right one, because if you don't, next time I come back here, it'll be to have a drink with your replacement.
Mm! Oh, and by the way, those little Christian tidbits you keep throwing around Yeah? That shit's gotta stop.
We get it.
You've read the Bible.
No one likes a know-it-all.
[somber organ chords] Beautiful home, Alden.
My grandfather built it.
Using nothing but hand tools and a tribe of Chinook Indians.
I understand the Bishop has decided not to issue any formal sanctions against you.
Did you come here to rub it in my face? No, no, I actually came here to to make things better between us.
Well - May I - No, you may not.
Let's get something straight.
My family has been here for a hundred years.
You have been here one week.
This is my church, not yours.
Fair enough.
And for you to come into the Lord's house with your jive talking and your blessing of birds is disgraceful.
Scrunchie was sick.
Church is for people, not pets.
All right, all right, I-I'm sorry.
For everything.
Well You know, for a guy who hates pets, you sure seem to care about your dog.
Where is he? [kissing sound] - [clicking tongue] - He's no longer with us.
God called Schnitzel home.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What ha what happened? Well, about a year ago, he got very ill, and, uh, in a moment of weakness, I asked Reverend Willis to say a prayer for him in church, and he correctly refused my request.
(Buddy) And then I realized Schmidt wasn't just an unreasonable dick.
He was an unreasonable dick who was hurting.
You know with all due respect to Reverend Willis, he was wrong.
He should have honored your request.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Yep.
Nothing to be done about it now.
Maybe not.
Maybe we, uh, we could do a blessing right here.
Is that possible? Well, do you have anything of Schnitzel's I could bless? Maybe a hair from his bed? Oh, gee, I I don't know.
I haven't had the heart to get near it since he he was taken from me.
Any luck? I think this might finally give me some some closure.
[grunts] Found one! [Whiter Shade of Pale plays] May I hold it? Of course.
Oh, Schnitzy.
Oh, my baby.
Oh [sobs] [kiss] Oh, Daddy's missed you so much.
It smells just like him.
We skipped the light fandango Let us let us pray.
Yep, ever since I got here, everything's worked out for Buddy Dobbs.
Well, "Pastor Barlow.
" As far as the world's concerned, Buddy Dobbs is at the bottom of a bay, never to be heard from again.
[suspenseful music] Coroner report came back.
The body that washed up isn't Buddy Dobbs.
Then who is it?