Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Thou Shalt Not Steal

1 Along with Barlow's identity, I took his life savings and put it all in a rock solid investment: the Steelers minus 3 1/2.
Pastor Barlow? I'm Charlotte Nelson.
Thank you for coming to Aunt Ruby's wake.
Happy to be here on this most solemn occasion.
I took the liberty of writing up a few facts about Aunt Ruby that you can use at the eulogy on Wednesday.
"Amateur yodeler avid quilter liked eggs Impressive life.
I'll be sure and use these.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Two seconds to go.
Come on, baby.
Field goal wins it No.
Jesus, no! Why did she have to die so young? Ruby was 88.
88? That's like the new Pastor Barlow, I don't think you've met my lovely wife, Hilva.
How ya doing? Hilva's family has owned this mortuary for three generations.
We've buried most of Ladner.
Well, hopefully they were dead first.
Of course.
We require a coroner's certificate before we'll even begin planning the internment.
I was just making a joke.
I'm not a fan of humor.
Excuse me.
I must go provide warmth and comfort to the grief-stricken.
She's quite a catch.
Thank you.
It's interesting.
We were high school sweethearts and have been together ever since, except for a brief time when she was off at Embalming School.
- But - How romantic.
The dumbass Steelers had blown every penny Barlow had.
Plus the extra 5 grand I'd bet on credit.
I needed some cash.
And fast.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
The visitation is over now.
What I was considering was pretty low, I had to look deep into my soul and ask myself one question Is anyone watching? Have you ever seen The way it looks like summertime? Okay, I want the silk shift paired with the box clutch.
I said clutch.
That is a purse, Gladys.
How are the models doing? Oof, it's Spanx on Spanx over there.
When do I get to see the dress? Just came in.
Courtesy gasp or real gasp? Real.
When you strut the runway in that dress, the whole world is gonna know Alexa Cummings is the fashion queen of the tri-county area.
I know! It's gonna be such a big night for me.
And for the sick kids.
Yeah, them too.
Hey, guys.
I know you're super busy, but I just wanted to help out, despite the fact that I was not reelected to the fundraising committee.
Dora, we all know you were the scapegoat for the tainted cookie dough drive.
No, no, no, no, no.
I take full blame.
Although Kim Brooks did leave them overnight in the trunk of her car.
Anyhoo, have I ever told you about my online store, a-Dora-ble Creations? "Lifestyle designs for the modern woman, handmade by Dora herself.
" I guess I have.
Anyway, I made some accessories that I thought the models could wear in the show tonight.
I call them "Owl-Rings.
" Aren't they a hoot? And a holler.
Yeah, it's just I'm afraid to give the models any last-minute changes, especially with some of them going through the change.
Denise is a sweaty powder keg.
You understand.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, I was just trying to help out.
But, hey, it's your show.
It's always your show.
Being new to town, I had no way to fence stolen merch.
So I called the only person I knew who might: Ashlee, my hooker.
So you want to go somewhere or is this a car jacking? Hold on.
I just want to talk.
One of those.
Price is the same.
Do you know anyone who might be interested in a beautiful, superexpensive ruby necklace, no questions asked? Yeah, I know a guy.
Yeah? I'm the guy.
I get a lot of "superexpensive" gifts.
I like to know who's screwing me.
So to speak.
How much is it worth? 15, maybe 20.
Thousand? Dollars.
This is just colored glass.
Shit! So you want to do something or what? Time is money.
What can I get for 20 bucks? Blue balls.
I couldn't believe Aunt Ruby screwed me like that.
Now, where the hell was I gonna get 5 grand to pay back my bookie? Buddy, don't forget tonight is Alexa's fashion show put on by Alexa at Boutique Alexa in the United States of Alexa.
Is something wrong between you and Alexa? You know me so well.
You know, just because I'm not some sophisticated, big city fashionista, it does not mean that I don't have good taste.
Or feelings.
What's this? Oh, that's, uh That's a gift.
It's so fancy.
Who's it for? It's, uh For you.
For me? But why? For being the most awesome church administrator I've ever had.
Buddy, you're so sweet.
Just when life knocks me down, you pick me right back up.
Are these rubies? Yeah.
But they're yours now.
- Oh, oh, oh! - Oh, my god.
I'm terribly sorry.
Look what I've done.
It's just water.
I've had a lot worse things spilled on me.
Well, here.
Oh, just when I thought there were no more gentlemen in the world.
My pleasure.
You know, you have the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
Pastor Barlow, this is difficult for me to say.
I understand.
Death's a bummer.
Just let it out, my suffering lamb.
Your assistant Dora stole my Aunt Ruby's necklace.
I'm going to the police.
I think you're mistaken.
Dora's the most honest person I know.
Pastor, I know what I saw.
She was wearing Aunt Ruby's necklace.
It's a one of-a-kind priceless heirloom.
I'll give you "heirloom.
" Excuse me? Look.
There's no reason to go to the police.
Trust me.
I was the last one to leave the funeral home, and I promise, the necklace was still on Aunt Ruby when I left.
It's not that I don't believe you, Reverend, but I would like to see that for myself.
And you will.
Tell you what.
Tomorrow morning, before we stick Ruby in the ground, how about we pop the casket and give you a look-see? Well, that would give me peace of mind.
And give me a chance to stay out of prison.
Hey, world's most awesome church administrator, whatcha doin'? Oh, I'm just crocheting some ponchos for my online store.
Hey, do you want to try one on? They're unisex.
My least favorite kind of sex.
So I see you're wearing my little gift.
Oh, I haven't taken it off since you gave it to me.
Yeah, you know, I've been thinking.
I just went out and got that without even asking if you like old lady necklaces.
So if you want me to exchange it for something cooler Are you kidding me? Seven years I worked for Reverend Willis, and the only thing he gave me was pink eye.
Now, I know it's kind of soon to say this, but you, sir Best.
Guilty as charged.
It's open.
I'm in a rush.
Can I get the coffee maker for the fundraiser? Yes, just please figure-eight the cord when you're done.
Unlike last time.
Did you make these? They are beautiful.
I mean a-Dora-ble.
Thank you.
I mean, I used a cross-stitch and a double crochet, and then I They'd be perfect for the fashion show.
I don't know what to say.
You never like any Um Great.
How many do you want? I'll take them all.
Oh, well, just let me check my pending orders.
Yep, you are in luck.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye.
Hey! Come on, Rico.
How 'bout we roll my debt over to next week's games, huh? Hey hey, no need to send anybody.
You'll get your money by Friday.
Don't worry.
I had bought some time with Rico, but I was running out of time to get that necklace back from Dora.
I had one last card to play: the gay card.
I'm off to get a manicure, and then I'm going to the fashion show.
Uh Is that what you're wearing? Yes, why? Well, it's just Never mind.
Oh, no, no.
I mean What? Well, something about that outfit that isn't working.
Yeah, I hate to say this; it's the necklace.
Yeah, it's too much.
It clashes with all the a-Dora-bleness.
Really? I mean, that's what I think.
But what do my people know about fashion? Well, you know what? I'm gonna wear it anyway, 'cause I I just love it.
I just would hate for anything to pull focus from your big night.
Thank you, Buddy.
But it's not my night.
It's a night to give to the sick and the suffering.
Yes, it is.
Okay, Ashlee, show time.
Now, remember, I'll do the talking.
Just sit there and don't say a word.
I get that request a lot.
Never in a wheelchair on a public street, but Actually, that's not true.
Oh, hey, Buddy! Who's this? Hi, Dora.
Oh, I'd like you to meet Stephanie.
I met her while I was volunteering at a hospice place.
Hi, Stephanie.
It's nice to meet you.
She's not deaf.
She's got cancer.
The bad kind.
We're talking weeks, not months.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'll put you on my prayer list.
Oh, she likes your necklace.
Yeah, it's very pretty, isn't it? Oh, you You want it? Oh, Stephanie, it doesn't belong to you, sweetheart.
It's Dora's.
Pick something else for your dying wish.
Oh, no.
I mean, if she really wants it Oh, no, we'll get her some ice cream or something.
No, no, no.
I want you to have it.
I mean, if it's okay with you.
Who am I to stand in the way of such a beautiful gesture? Here we go.
Oh, so sweet.
God bless you, Stephanie.
Gog bess ooo.
Gog bess us all.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Okay, models, this is it.
Places! Russell.
Remember, Joyce, no waving to friends in the audience.
For once in your life, pretend to be unobtainable.
Good Lord.
Good Lord.
Why is Dora wearing a tablecloth? Locked door.
What a dick.
Shit! Ow.
She's walking on sunshine.
Oh-oh! And we're all starting to feel good.
What? Nothing.
It's an alert from the security company.
Someone tripped the silent alarm at the funeral home.
Come on.
Give me your handkerchief.
My skin tag's bleeding.
Damn it.
Oh god, nip.
Dead nip.
Old dead nip.
Responding to a 10-25 at Schlagel Funeral Home.
Ooh, spring has sprung.
And Mabel is gonna have you sprung when she's walking down the streets of Ladner in this top.
Dora, I am so sorry.
I had no idea those were clothing.
They look great, though, don't you think? Oh, yes, my ponchos make wonderful tablecloths.
How can I make it up to you? You know what? Don't worry about it.
No pity parties here.
I'm just happy to support the charity in any way that I Really, Jerry? Use a flippin' napkin! Here.
You might want to put that over table six.
All right, so, officer.
Once the call came in, what was your response time? A minute and a half.
What did you do, stop for a meal? As far as I can tell, nothing's missing.
You must've scared them off.
Or or they're hiding somewhere.
Well, there's only one place they could be hiding.
The coffin.
No, sir! In this establishment, we have respect for the deceased.
Well, your work here is done.
You can get back to napping in your car.
Copy that.
You had to build that low-income housing.
Oh, so the break-in now is my fault? How do you manage to blame everything on me? If the shoe fits.
Before you brought in those poor people, there was no crime in this town.
It didn't exist.
Like our love life.
Here we go again.
Well, it's true.
We haven't had relations in three years.
Not even a birthday beej? Let's face it, Hilva, neither of us is happy.
Maybe we should consider counseling.
What, and tell some Jewish woman our problems? No, thank you.
Well, if you don't want to try counseling, then maybe we should just get a d No.
Don't even think about it.
I will not become the Baxters, airing our dirty laundry in front of the whole world.
I just don't know how long I can keep up this charade.
I do.
Until you're in one of these coffins.
Let's never be like them, Ruby.
By day, you know Joyce as a bank teller, but by night, you'll be telling this Ladner lovely how money she looks in this classic but chic ensemble.
She's a floral vision as she walks the runway tonight.
Thank you, Joyce.
I put the necklace back on Ruby and headed to the fashion show, happy to be out of that coffin, and more importantly, out of danger.
Let me just say if Giselle were here, she would be Gisell-ous.
And now for our grand finale: The heart and soul of the Ladner fashion scene, and owner of Boutique Alexa, Open Monday through Saturday, 10:00 to 6:00.
Don't park behind Ladner Beer and Wine, or they will tow you Ms.
Alexa Cummings! Tonight, Alexa is wearing a stunning poncho? Okay, this is happening.
Who says fashion can't be pragmatic? This spiffy poncho is perfect for church or Bingo.
You bing-go girl.
And we are very fortunate to have the designer in the house tonight.
Give it up for our very own Dora Winston.
- Dora! - Um Thank you.
Just FYI, this is just one of many items available at my online store, a-Dora-ble Notions.
Lifestyle designs for the modern woman, handmade by Dora herself.
That's me.
Bye! So Macaroni Junction to celebrate? Yes, I will get us a table in the caboose.
Toot-Toot! Oh, give me a sec.
I'll see you guys there.
- Okay.
- Hey.
That was a real nice thing you did, giving that cancer girl your necklace.
I know it meant a lot to you.
Yeah, but it meant more to me to see her happy.
You know, besides, it's just a material thing.
It can be replaced.
You're a good one, Dora Winston.
All right.
In fact, the necklace had been replaced by an even better material thing: Ruby's diamond ring.
And this baby was real.
Real enough to pay off Rico and get rid of my blue balls.
Lookin' good, Tina.
When did you get out? 'Bout six weeks ago.
I didn't scare ya, did I? No.
Well, maybe a little.
I just didn't expect Me to ever find you? Surprise.
You and me gotta talk.
Not here.
Meet me at the diner on Route 30 tomorrow at 9:00.
Lookin' forward to it.
Don't be late.