Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Guardian Angel

1 - [lightning strikes] - [electricity sparks] Previously on "Impastor" What's your connection with a big guy like that? I'm undercover FBI.
Well, hello.
[rock music] I heard this rumor that you are a a lady of the night.
It's true.
- [blow lands] - [grunts] Say good-bye, Buddy Dobbs.
[gun cocks] [dramatic music] Oh, God.
I hope getting shot doesn't hurt.
[sniper rifle fires] That wasn't so bad.
[suspenseful music] [exhales] Hyde? Lovello? [cocks gun] Anyone? Take that, mother[bleep]! I'm alive! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Got you! He's this way.
Yeah! What the hell was I so happy about? I had the dead body of a wanted felon on my hands, which meant an investigation by smarter cops who would know I wasn't FBI.
[guns cock] [heavy breathing] Holy crap.
You killed him? What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
You guys abandoned an unarmed federal agent in the middle of an operation.
I had to wrestle his gun away and shoot him.
Whoa, that is badass.
I should have your badges for this.
Hey, wasn't our fault.
He slashed our tires.
Oh.
Did the big, bad bully take your lunch money too? You know what? Badges aren't enough.
I should bring you up on criminal charges.
Come on, man, don't do that.
Yeah, yeah hey.
Damien's dead.
You're okay.
Can't you just leave us out of your report? Hell no.
Hell no, you almost got me killed.
Although I like "although.
" If I don't file a report, nobody knows Damien's dead.
Then I can stay undercover and go after his boss.
Exactly.
Why waste that chance to report a minor screw-up on our part? [mouthing] All right.
But so help me God, if either of you tells anyone about me or this operation I will hunt you down and make you wish you were this guy.
Do I make myself clear? - Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah.
Good.
Now help me bury this scumbag.
[rock music plays] Or would you rather go to jail? [all straining] Ready? [groans] [upbeat music] Two questions kept running through my head.
Who the hell saved me? And why? [knocking] Come in.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
How you doing? We've all been a little worried about you around here the past couple days.
Yeah, I've had some things on my mind.
You know, pastor crap.
But that's all dead and buried.
Well, good, 'cause, you know, we need you around here.
Come on, council meeting's about to start.
- Hey, Dora.
- Mm-hmm? You ever get the feeling that someone's watching out for you? You mean like a guardian angel? Yeah, but not like the fairy-tale kind with wings and diapers, like real.
I think that guardian angels can be real people.
I mean, who knows? Maybe you're mine, and [clicks tongue] I'm yours.
Mm? Turning to financial news Even with Damien dead, I couldn't help thinking this wasn't over.
[dramatic sting] Due to attrition, repairs, and settlements from the youth camping trip They were lost for one night.
We are looking at a serious budget shortfall.
Which brings us to a possible solution.
Mrs.
Esther Strumble, 84, widowed, no heirs, and in very poor health.
Pastor, we need you to get her to donate her estate to our church.
Me? What why me? W Well, uh, because, uh, it's your duty.
But then also, when you applied for the job, you said that getting bequests was one of your strong points.
Exactly.
Glad you remembered.
Well, here is her dossier.
Uh, Mrs.
Strumble is expecting you at 2:00.
I should go upstairs and study this.
AKA whack off and nap.
You know, the whole reason I looked past his condition was that you said he was a great fundraiser.
Uh "condition?" All right "choice.
" Our church needs that money.
And and if he fails, we'll all know who to blame.
[sinister organ music] I am exhausted.
Dave kept me up all night, if you know what I'm saying.
[both laugh] Yeah.
Dave's a blanket hog.
Oh, I hate that.
It's like, "hello, there is two of us here.
" So we tell the captain Barlow turned out to be a suicide.
- Not a word about Damien.
- Right.
And I just say I got these at an outlet mall.
- Where'd you - You know where I got them.
My God there's that cute cop I was telling you about.
Oh, he is cute.
You should ask him out.
You know what? I think I will.
[inhales] Hey.
Dora, right? You know, I was just wondering if you wanted to get coffee with me sometime that is other than this time.
No, thanks.
[sighs] Oh.
Okay.
But I'd love to take you out to dinner tonight.
That'd be great.
[laughs] And then we could get coffee afterwards.
I mean, as long as it's before 8:00 because if I have a coffee after 8:00, I am just up [laughs] forever.
Never mind, you know what? We'll figure it out.
Not that I go to bed at 8:00.
Although, honestly, I could.
But not with you.
Not not with you.
[deep breath] Dinner yes.
[foreboding music] Right this way, Pastor.
Cigarettes and mothballs.
I hadn't smelled that combo since my parents used to leave me with Lorraine Bort, a mean old bag who lived down the hall.
God, I hated that woman.
Hey, runt.
Make yourself useful.
Grab that lighter, fire ole 'Rainey up.
[lighters flicks] Closer.
Ain't gonna bite ya.
[cigarette burns] [suspenseful music] [ghoulish whoosh] Pastor? Pastor? Are you all right? Yeah.
Yeah, I must have just spaced out for a second.
You look familiar.
Have we met before? No, Mrs.
Strumble, you're confused again.
This isn't Pastor Willis.
This is Pastor Barlow.
I know that, you dodo.
My body may be shot, but my mind still works.
[growls] So what brings you over, Pastor? Look, I'm just gonna get to it.
The church needs cash.
You're getting up there.
And we'd like you to donate your estate, so if you could just sign right here? You're a straight shooter.
I like that.
That's the way my husband was.
Oh.
When did he kick it? I mean, croak.
25 years ago.
You know, you even resemble him physically.
Good-looking dude, huh? [laughs] You have his sense of humor too.
Oh, gosh.
I miss Walter.
[dog barking distantly] Be a dear.
Give me a light.
Uhh should she be smoking? Okay by me.
[suspenseful music] Come closer.
I ain't gonna bite ya.
[startles] [dramatic music] Uh, I just got off the phone with Mrs.
Strumble.
She said that you ran out of there like a bat out of heck.
Yeah, yeah, we didn't click, but, hey, I gave it a shot.
That's all anyone could ask.
No, it's not! Listen, you do not understand the kind of pressure that I am under here, and I really need - for you to come through for me.
- Whoa.
Is your blood sugar a little low? Maybe you need a snack.
No, what I need is for Alden Schmidt to know that I am right.
I fought and fought for you to get this job, and now my neck is on the line.
All right.
I'll try again, but I'll be honest, I am not comfortable around her.
Well, suck it up.
You're a flipping pastor.
Well, now I've said the F-word.
[knocking] [door opens] Uh uh, Pastor, may I have a word? [burps] Uh, sure, what's up? Well Now, I pride myself on being a man who always knows what to do.
But here, now, lately, I'm just I'm feeling lost.
Well, maybe you have old-timer's.
Uh Look, my my marriage is over.
I know that.
But I'm just I I'll tell you, I'm just having trouble moving on.
Hey, you spend 40 years with a woman, it's gonna take a week or two.
No, it's it's it's not that.
It just the problem is I can't get Ashlee out of my mind.
I think I'm in love with her.
What? [scoffs] No no, no you're not.
When I'm with her, I I just I feel something I haven't felt for years.
That's called a boner.
Right? Doesn't mean you're in love.
What, am I going through a mid-life crisis? Or whatever comes after that.
Trust me, Alden, this is nothing more than a fantasy.
You don't know this person well enough to be in love with her.
You're right.
That's right.
No, no that's I owe it to myself to get to know her better.
Thank you, Pastor.
[playful music] So have you Googled Detective Lovello yet? No, I'm I'm not Googling him.
If I did that, then I'd know all the answers to the questions that I'm gonna ask, which is the whole point of going on a date.
Uh, the point of a date is to get another date.
And 2 to 5 free vodka tonics.
No.
At least look up his address on Zillow.
You don't want to end up raising your kids in some place like East Ladner.
Hey, I live in East Ladner.
- And it's lovely.
- Look.
I am interested in who he is as a person, not not what he pays in property taxes.
So no, I am not going to Google him; I'm not going to Zillow him; and I am not wearing that shirt.
- - It's an ice-breaker tee.
Yech, whatever.
So what are you in the mood for today? Number three.
With some pinky action.
All right, but put the parking brake on this time.
Hey, before we nude up, I need to talk to you about Alden Schmidt.
- You know Alden? - Yeah.
And he's got some crazy idea about you two having a future together.
Really? I'ma need you to shut that down, all right? 'Cause that's nothing but trouble for all of us.
Okay.
But it'll cost you 200.
That includes the Pinky-Three, right? Nope.
Listen, I'm sorry about before, but I've been on this raisin cleanse.
What I had to do, I could not do in this house.
You're a very polite young man.
Here is your tea, missus.
Oh, [chuckles] I see you signed my paycheck.
Can I get it now? And have you slough off the rest of the week? You'll get it Friday after the inspection.
[dramatic music] Do your homework.
Keep it quiet.
I want to watch my stories.
Pastor? So you, uh, you ready to donate? Oh, slow down.
Enjoy your tea.
Before you get my money, there's something I want you to do.
Make love to me.
[spits] [spits twice] You remind me so much of Walter.
I want to feel that closeness, that that exhilaration one last time.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Strumble.
I can't help you.
Oh, but I think you can.
You see, I may be an old woman, but I have two very good assets.
Please don't show them to me.
My eyesight and my memory.
A few months back, my oak tree fell on a car and killed two criminals inside.
And who do you think I saw get out of the trunk? Of the tree or the car? My nurse leaves at 8:00.
You'll be here or I will tell your entire church and the police everything I saw.
[tense music] [slow rock over radio] Make me blind.
[belches] I knew the only way I could face a tumble with Strumble was to be good and trashed.
Buddy? You're by yourself? Mosey on over to our party wagon, partner.
[dramatic sting] Oh, Buddy, glad you're here.
Now you won't be alone.
Dave just texted.
I got to go.
What's the deal with this Dave guy anyway? Oh he's a man who knows what he wants.
And he wants it a lot.
Hey, Russell, you you ever have been in a real weird sexual situation? [squeaks] Yes.
No.
I mean, what what did you have in mind? Oh, crap, I gotta bolt.
Damn it, Russell.
What's the point of rehearsing if you're just gonna blow it? [lounge music] I went skiing once.
Water or snow? Neither.
I am lying.
[laughs] What? I'm sorry.
I'm really nervous.
You're not the only one.
Come to bed.
I don't have a condom.
No, that ship has sailed.
[dog barking distantly] Put your arm around me.
There.
That's the way Walter used to do.
Mm-hmm.
We'd usually talk for a bit.
You start.
I'm shit-faced.
Here is one of my bird Scrunchie at his third birthday party.
That is adorable.
How did you get that little hat on him? Uh, more like how did I get it off? [both chuckle] He loves hats.
Oh, there's this other one I want to show you.
[gasps] - Was that my house? - Nope.
Dora.
I'm sorry.
I Googled you.
I know it's cheating, I just wanted to know everything about you.
[R&B music playing over radio] Did you know I'm very attracted to you? Well, I think I'm [clears throat] gonna need to do a little more research.
I really want to be the one And by our silver anniversary, Walter and I had visited all the national parks.
Ever go to any American League parks? [laughs] He was always there for me.
Did you have anyone like that in your life? [knocking] [bluesy music] They gone again? Truth was, my parents never left me with Bort.
They just left.
Come on.
I'll make you some fish sticks.
I did.
Just didn't know it at the time.
[hiccups] [hiccups] Excuse me.
Think you got the hiccups.
[hiccups] I should get some water.
Yeah.
Hey no hey I got this.
[screams] [seedy music] Mrs.
Strumble? Esther? Oh, shit! You're dead.
[dramatic music] What should I do? Call 911? Just leave? Eff that.
[lively music] "P.
S.
"I also leave $25,000 "to Pastor Buddy Barlow to use however he wants.
" [grunts] [grunts] [thud] Oh, shit.
Sorry.
[door opens] Missus, I'm back.
Forgot to give you your heart pill.
[yelps] Hi.
Um thank you for, uh, for meeting with me.
What's on your mind? You.
Just constantly.
I just I cannot suppress my feelings for you.
Alden, do you know what this is? It's my client book.
Girthy.
And you've made it very clear that you could never be with someone who does what I do for a living.
No, I know.
I did say that, yeah.
But, here, the thing is, I'm in love with you.
Do you mean that? I do, and and just seeing you just now, that just confirmed it for me.
Then I quit.
You've made me realize I can be so much more.
And I want to be more with you.
If you're serious about giving us a shot, so am I.
[laughs] Oh! Well! Well, look at this.
So how was your date with Detective Lovello? It was amazing.
You guys, I never say this, but both: He could be the one.
Oh.
[chuckles] Okay.
But both: This time I mean it.
Well, we'd like to, uh, thank, uh, Mrs.
Strumble's nurse, Dolly, for bringing over the bequest document.
The, uh, church meant very much to her.
May she rest in peace.
What's that thing say? Well, uh, Mrs.
Strumble has very generously bequeathed her entire estate to Ladner Trinity.
[Handel's "Hallelujah" playing] Hallelujah, hallelujah Alden, I think that that is the single largest donation that the church has ever received.
[exhales] Well it the the figures aren't adjusted for inflation, but well done.
Uh something on the back there.
It says I think it says something, I don't Huh? Oh.
Well, look at that.
Huh.
"I'd also like to leave $25,000 to Nurse Dolly Sisang to use however she wants.
" Oh, my God.
Missus.
We were so close.
Well played, Dolly.
Well played.
[entrance bells chime] Can I help you? Yeah, you know, I think, uh, maybe you and me, we got a mutual friend.
Oh, yeah, who's that? Kenny Banderas.
[dramatic sting] So you are Tina.
[dramatic music]