Josh (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bed & Breakfast

1 MAN ON TV: OK.
Let the wood see the pecker! "Let the wood see the pecker"! I mean, he's basically saying penis.
He plays it so close to the line, but gets it just right every time.
Come on, Josh, it's Saturday night.
Let's go out for a drink.
We're having a drink.
Also, they don't show Take Me Out in the pub.
Shall we go out after Take Me Out? What, and miss Take Me Out: The Gossip? Are you mad? What the hell is Take Me Out: The Gossip? It's only where you find out what really went down on the Isle of Fernando's.
Don't you want to know what happened with Dean and Sophie after they bonded on the banana boat? - Josh.
- Mm-hm.
- I feel like we're a middle-aged couple already.
Yeah, I know, it's amazing - it's only taken us a month to get this comfortable.
It took my parents years.
Life is like a meal, and we have skipped to the pudding.
These are our apple crumble years.
I'm not getting up until Gemma and I are back together.
It's been three days.
You'll get bedsores.
You'll end up like that bloke from Seven.
Kate, I'm upset, I'm not going to chop her head off and put it in a box.
Anyway, she's worth waiting for.
She just said she needed some space.
You are aware that's not a thing, aren't you? It's just a polite way to dump someone.
No, Gemma wouldn't do that.
She just needs some space, like a deep-lying midfielder.
Aw, I know.
She was perfect.
We had all the same reference points.
Do you know who Nicky Butt is? - No idea.
- He's a deep-lying midfielder.
Gemma knew that.
She knew everything.
Right, I'm opening the curtains.
- No! - Just a bit of sunlight in here, I'm not putting a stake through your heart.
- Gemma's already done that.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, you are kidding me.
- What? - You need to see this.
- I'm not going anywhere.
A middle-aged woman has just dropped Owen off in a sports car and, get this, he's wearing a leather racing jacket.
Kate, cheers for trying, but I'm not falling for that.
Oh, my God, they're kissing! Yeah, at least make it believable.
They're really going for it.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Oh, that is demeaning.
Are you dating a cougar? - No.
- Who's that woman who dropped you off, then? Er, "that woman" is Karen, and Karen's a woman I've been cat-sitting for.
Oh, cat-sitting, overnight.
Yeah, well, I had to stay overnight, didn't I? Because her cat is bulimic, so I needed to make sure - she kept her food down.
- OK, chinny.
Well, if you think the idea of a size zero Siamese is funny, Kate, then you've got a sick mind, cos Cheetara has body issues, so I needed to take down all the mirrors in the house to make sure she didn't shove her paw down her throat, so, yeah, ha-ha-ha, very funny.
Er, do you mind getting out of the way, please? I've recorded a load of Flog Its.
I saw the two of you, together, having a Frenchie.
Sorry, do you think it's really believable that you would see me, of all people, kissing a woman in her fifth decade? No, that's why I took a photo.
You do realise there are laws against being a Peeping Tom? Oh, so you admit there's something to peep at? - So you admit you were peeping? - Well, I'll show you what I peeped.
Oh, you creepy peeper.
OK, so I'm seeing a slightly older woman.
Have you got a problem with that, in your closed moral universe? - So where'd you meet her? - If you must know, it was on a dating app.
Foxy Bingo is not a dating app.
- Morning, Owen.
- Morning.
- Love the jacket.
- Ah, thanks, it's a peach, isn't it? Oh, yes, you look like a young Ayrton Senna.
Although hopefully you won't go the same way.
- Keep it light, Geoff.
- I certainly will, Owen, my boy, with these energy-saving light bulbs.
No, they really are a money saver, I'll e-mail you a breakdown of the cost benefits.
To me! So, did I hear that you've been enjoying an older woman? Good work.
All the middle-aged women that I have lain beside have been like fine wines.
- What, alcoholic? - No, the really good ones are French.
Although I have been enjoying a rather fruity British number lately.
Is this still a metaphor? I am currently seeing a younger lady.
Really? Well, well, well, Geoff, you old rogue.
How much younger is she? - Six months.
- Oh.
Different school year, Owen, I feel very naughty.
If I was 16, it wouldn't be legal.
Morning, Kate.
Aw, here he is.
Congratulations for making it out of bed.
Well, I've got you to thank for that.
I'd still be under the duvet if it wasn't for you - and your e-mail admin.
- What are you talking about? Your reply to us about Geoff's e-mail about energy-saving light bulbs.
"No, we don't want your stupid light bulbs.
"Like you, they are dim and will never get screwed.
" What can I say? I write a zingy e-mail.
I'm not questioning the zinginess, Kate, the problem is with who you sent it to.
Me, Owen, and - No! - Yeah, Geoff.
Oh, no, this can't be happening.
Yeah, you replied to all.
You amateur, you are so digitally naive.
Oh, no, I'm great at this stuff.
I mean, I've never failed to include an attachment.
I even racially adapt my emojis depending on the recipient.
Isn't that MORE offensive? Is it? Oh! Look, Kate, don't worry about it, all you've done is broken the heart of a lonely middle-aged man.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, God.
I feel terrible.
He'll be OK, won't he? I mean, he's always so chipper.
I doubt he will ever laugh again.
To think, just last week he was telling me he'd been given a book of rude road signs.
I bet he's at home now, failing to find the humour in a slip road that looks like a penis.
Oh, God, this is awful.
I'm a cyber bully.
Well, why don't you just press the button that deletes - the e-mail from his inbox? - Can you do that? Of course not! You are so digitally naive! Here you go, one ham salad baguette.
Does that make up for you being brutally dumped? - I'm vegetarian.
- Oh, you should have said.
- I live with you.
- Oh, God, waste not, want not.
Are you ever going to take that leather jacket off? All right, you're a vegetarian, I get it.
No, I'm saying you've not taken it off since you got it.
And why would I take off Nigel Mansell's racing jacket? As if it's Nigel Mansell's actual jacket.
One Rothmans-sponsored moustache comb.
No way, where did you get it? Karen.
She runs a sporting memorabilia website.
It is the ultimate friends with benefits.
I get my pick and she gets my - Don't say it.
- My devotion! Listen, this is what you're missing out on.
You need to get back out there.
I'd told Karen all about you, and she's up for a double date.
Oh, God, that is disgusting.
Oh.
No, not like that.
No, she's got a friend.
We're not going to be custard cousins.
- Is that a phrase? - Yeah, yeah, it means when we both Yeah, I get what it means.
No, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating a woman - that remembers the three-day week.
- But you haven't even met Valerie.
Valerie? What is she, a dinner lady? I don't want extra servings of liver.
OK, you're a vegan, I get it.
No, I'm a vegetarian.
And you don't half love banging on about it.
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for Gemma.
Mate, you have been dumped, that is what "I need some space" means.
No, she is just a girlfriend on standby.
Her little red light is on.
What, she's become a prostitute? What? No! What I'm saying is we all need time on our own.
It just happens for me it is the length of a shower, for her it is four to six weeks.
Come on the date.
What is the worst that can happen? You eat for free, you drink for free, and who knows? You might end up with, um John Virgo's waistcoat.
Geoff, how nice to see you.
- Ah, Kate.
- I was just thinking, actually, "I wonder how Geoff is.
" Great.
Brought the rest of the energy savers over, but what's the point? Oh, what's getting you down? - Climate change? - No.
Hate penguins.
- What? - One stole my wallet at the Cornwall Seal Sanctuary, wouldn't give it back.
In fairness, I stopped chasing it after three lengths.
Look, Geoff, I am so sorry about what's happened.
I think we should talk about it.
I don't want to talk.
- I've been hurt.
- I hate seeing you like this, Geoff.
I feel awful.
Maybe I just don't understand people.
You think you know someone well enough for them to tell you how they feel face-to-face.
Next thing you know, your phone dings and you realise it is quite the opposite.
I am so, so sorry.
Why don't we go out tonight, make everything all right again? - I don't know.
- We could do whatever you want.
We could go to the cinema.
Happy Feet 3 is on.
You know my views on penguins.
Oh, yeah, OK.
What about a night of high culture? We could go to that place down the road that does foreign cinema.
Has the snack bar got wasabi peas? Um, probably.
It's just I saw a documentary about wasabi peas a few years ago and I'm intrigued to know if they're really as moreish as the narrator made out.
I can get you the peas, Geoff.
Well, maybe.
It would make a change from a night in writing introspective poetry.
- You write poetry? - Yeah.
That magnetic poetry set was the best present I ever got.
Got a very sad fridge at the moment, Kate.
And not just because it only contains one box of potato waffles.
God, I love double dates.
It's like being in an American teen movie.
No, it's going to be like being taken to an American teen movie - by our mothers.
- Well, you'll be doing some things you wouldn't want your mother to see, mate.
Having sex being one of them.
I haven't even met Valerie yet.
Do you know, a woman, like a turtle, reaches her sexual peak at 40? Let me to you, there are no cable cars to a sexual peak.
- What does that even mean? - It means you got to scale it.
I don't want to scale anyone's sexual peak.
I'm quite happy at sexual base camp.
I'm OK with life in the slow lane.
Karen's got me in the sexual fast lane.
Well, apart from that incident on the hard shoulder.
I don't want to hear about that.
Oh, she really knows what she's doing, mate.
She used her other hand to turn on the hazards.
What a pro.
Not in that sense.
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
What?! Oh, come on, don't be such a wuss.
No, I'm not comfortable with it.
I miss Gemma.
Mate, "space" means you've been dumped.
The only phrase more devastating is, "I need thinking time.
" Maybe if I just speak to her Oh, no, don't call her, Josh.
No, seriously.
No, that's the right thing to do.
It's nothing to do with you.
You leave me alone.
Hey, Gemma.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know you said not to call, but, um Yeah, it's great to hear your voice as well.
Look, the reason I'm calling is I've been thinking, and you're right, we are too young to turn into our parents.
I want to try new things.
And I want to do them with you.
Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.
Speak soon, yeah? - Does she need thinking time? - Yeah.
Ugh.
Come on.
Are you seriously telling me that those are Edgar Davids' glaucoma glasses? Wow.
Do you feel more Dutch in them, Josh? I've already told you, I'm not going to split the food bill.
No, seriously.
Who gets 20 wings? Well, I am a growing boy.
Ooh, so I see.
I think they suit you.
I like a man in glasses.
You like a man in anything.
Except his clothes! [KAREN LAUGHS] Well, I've got 20 years to catch up on, haven't I? And you look like a short, blond Louis Theroux.
Did you ever see his documentary on hardcore pornography? No, I'm not really into, um, Louis Theroux.
Can I just say that you look smoking hot, Karen? Although I am looking at you through orange-tinted spectacles.
Why's she laughing at that for a third time? That joke doesn't even work.
So, what did you get up to this weekend? I just stayed in and watched Take Me Out: The Gossip.
- Did you, now? - Yeah.
So where are you going to take me? And the question is, will I come? I don't know how to answer that.
It's an innuendo.
Hardly.
I tell you what, why don't you start by taking me to the bar? And I said "to", not "over".
I know how your mind works.
[GEOFF SNIVELS] It's quite moving, isn't it, Geoff? I mean, she was so young, and the tide just took her, didn't it? No, it's not that.
It's these wasabi peas playing havoc with my tear ducts.
Well, you have had five packets, Geoff.
Yeah, thanks for buying those, Kate.
You are treating me like Emperor Hirohito.
No worries.
Although, ironically, I do feel like I'm under a nuclear attack.
Probably find my shadow on the seat tomorrow morning.
[SEXUAL NOISES IN FILM] [FILM CHARACTERS SPEAK FRENCH] [SEXUAL NOISES IN FILM] So, have you ever been with an older woman, Josh? Well, I spent a lot of time with my gran as a child.
I reckon I could teach you a few things.
It's always good to learn.
I used to be a big fan of the BBC Early Learning Zone.
I'd watch it when I couldn't get to sleep.
That might be the case tonight.
Why, are they repeating a special on stalactites? Have YOU got a stalactite? I'm sorry, I don't know.
I can't remember which goes up and which goes down.
Mites go up, so - TITES go down? - Oh, you dirty dog.
- Oh! - Ding ding.
- What? Ready for round two, Lennox Lewis? Oh, I think it's a bit early for that kind of thing.
Oh, by the looks of things, you're not wrong.
- Where's it gone? - It's very chilly, it's a draughty room.
And if you're wondering where your pants are, one leg is on the floor and the other leg is in the corridor.
Yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
Someone's certainly earned themselves one shagger's breakfast.
Ah, I've got things to be getting on with, so I should go.
- It's your house.
- Yeah, of course it is.
I tell you what, why don't I make us a fry-up, seeing as you've given me your bed, and a bit more? A couple of fried eggs.
No, thank you.
Cos you know I'm always up for sausage, don't you? - OK.
- Maybe we could even experiment with hash brown.
Oh, no thanks, very much not my scene.
We'll see.
You do realise those were all innuendos, right? Yeah, I got that.
Here he is, the thinking man's Darren Day.
Yes, I know.
Heard about some of the things you got up to, mate.
Valerie called Karen as soon as she left.
Do you want me to talk to Geoff - about fixing the draught in your room? - God, it was intense.
Felt like when I was moved up a year in maths, I didn't have enough buttons on my calculator.
I never had you down as such a goer.
I'm on the rebound, I had a one-night stand, we've all done it.
What do you mean, one-night stand? We're all going out again tonight.
- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are, I've promised Karen - she'll kill me if you let her down.
Let me talk to her, she can ask Valerie to go easy on you.
Go easy on me? She's not the Harlem Globetrotters.
They're both on the veterans' circuit, mate.
No, I'm not cut out for this.
If I'm honest with you, it just made me miss Gemma more.
Hmm.
Would it change your mind if I offered to split the booty? I do not want to be custard cousins.
No, I'm talking about giving you some of the things Karen gives me.
Some of the really good stuff.
I'm not interested in Audley Harrison's Oh, my God, is that what I think it is? One England shirt, match-worn, by Teddy Sheringham at Euro '96.
- You are kidding me.
- No lie.
Euro '96, I mean, he was three years away from his treble-winning pomp.
Great memories, but where were Wales? I can already feel the extra yard in my head.
Go on, then, have a swing.
You know what that is? Setting up the third goal against Holland.
Danny Blind woefully out of position.
- Do you want to keep it? - Yes.
Then be ready for seven, Teddy.
[DOORBELL RINGS] - Geoff.
- Morning, Kate.
- These are for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- You seem in a very good mood.
- I am.
Because of yesterday, and I wanted to say thank you.
I can't remember the last time I had someone listen to me like that.
Oh, that's good to hear.
Actually, I tell a lie, I can.
It was the 15th of October, 1987.
- OK.
- The night of the great storm.
One handsome balloon seller, Geoff Jefferies, had just lost his entire stock in five brutal seconds.
I stood crying, watching 16 Roland Rats gathering pace above the pier when a soft gentle female hand cupped mine and took me to the pub.
And she sat me by the fire and we drank all night, before she kissed me goodbye and ventured out into the storm.
Aw.
That's beautiful.
Unfortunately, it was at that point I realised she'd nicked my wallet.
- Oh.
- And my helium pump.
Oh.
Well, suppose you didn't need it any more.
Oh, I still enjoy a funny voice as much as the next person.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
I'll cut to the chase.
Kate, spending time with you yesterday, it was very nice.
And the scales fell from my eyes and it got me thinking that a life shared is a life lived.
And I I need to make this happen.
- Right.
- Can I read you something? Er if you want to.
In love with a special woman, beautiful and kind Her words of wisdom soothed me, and what a nice behind One night was all I had with that pure and perfect dove I wish to take her by the hand, for she's my one true piano.
That should obviously be "love," but I used that fridge magnet in the first verse.
The point is, there's this person - I see.
- And I want to tell her how I feel.
No! No, no, no.
Don't do that.
In my experience, it's best to just bottle these things up.
I've bottled up too much, Kate.
I'm like an Oddbins in here.
Geoff, you know what? I've got things to get on with.
So, my advice is, go home, bury your feelings, and enjoy your life.
Didn't you like the poem? It was the piano, wasn't it? - I could change that.
- Geoff, a life without love is a life without pain.
Ow! Sorry.
[LAUGHING:] I can't believe you went on a date with Geoff! It was not a date, I just took him out to apologise for my offensive e-mail.
Although, here's my problem - after one evening in my company, - he has inevitably fallen in love with me.
- Ah, congratulations.
Your first ever successful date.
I mean, who can blame a man like him falling for a girl like me? It's the ultimate Beauty And The Beast story.
Yeah, I don't think Disney are going to turn this one into a cartoon, - Kate.
- Oh, come on, they'll take anything.
We've all seen Chicken Little.
Oh, come on, let it go, that movie was fine.
Do you know who was in the cinema when I saw Chicken Little? Ralf Little.
And then, three seats away from me, I saw the ex-Aston Villa manager, Brian Little.
I thought, "I wonder if the Odeon "are doing some sort of deal or something.
" Owen, I don't care.
My issue is Geoff.
He's had a taste of the sweet, sweet honey.
If I tell him I'm cutting it off now, it's going to destroy him.
You do realise that nobody's that into honey? Well, they should be.
It's an excellent sugar substitute, and it's packed with antioxidants.
That's what makes it so sticky.
That's not true, is it? Listen, the way I see it, you've got one option.
You've already crushed his tiny heart via e-mail once.
You need to do it again, but this time, face-to-face.
Oh, no, I can't.
I can't face the guilt.
Oh, here's an idea.
You come on too strong and you scare him off.
It's worked with literally every other man you've met.
[OWEN LAUGHS] Here we go.
An original 1977 Kevin Keegan's Brut.
Karen says this stuff's like catnip.
Though it was tested on animals, so probably best not to think too hard about that.
Whoa, smell that! Those rabbits must have been irresistible.
Oh, that is awful.
- Oh, God.
Give it a rest, Adolf Hitler.
- What? I'm trying to think of a famous vegetarian.
That wasn't his defining characteristic.
I hope you're going to be cheerier than this on the date.
Look, just to be clear, I'm coming for two drinks, and then I'm out of there.
I can't face having another one of Valerie's breakfasts.
A lot of guys would kill to be in your position.
Not this guy.
This guy doesn't want to find out what she means by "black pudding".
[DOORBELL RINGS] - Is Kate here? - I think she's in her room.
She'll be delighted to see you, - she's been talking about you nonstop, Geoff.
- I must speak to her.
[PHONE VIBRATES] Oh, my God, it's Gemma.
Hello? Yeah, yeah, I've been fine, yeah.
Ask her if she knows what black pudding is.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, no, you're correct, although I think it's mainly oatmeal.
Haggis? No, I've not tried it.
Yeah, yeah, cos I'm vegetarian.
Oh, Morrissey's on the phone.
What, right now? Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.
All right, see you then.
Brilliant! Who was that? Linda McCartney? Better reference.
Gemma wants to come round and talk.
- I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel tonight.
- Oh, what? Can you just tell Valerie that I've got to attend an important function? Come on, mate, you're not Ban Ki-moon.
Listen, if you're going to dump Valerie, just be a man - say it like it is.
No, you're right.
I'll tell her I need some space.
Ugh.
Kate, the time has come for me to uncork my feelings.
No, keep the cork in, let the wine mature.
It's too late, the corkscrew's out.
I'm twisting the bottle.
Its little arms are in the air.
No, you need to keep everything bottled up.
Imagine your feelings like a little ship inside a bottle.
I can't, I How do they make those? I know, it's amazing, isn't it? I suppose if the masts bend or something.
Yeah, I imagine the rigging's on a hinge.
Yeah, that would do it, rigging on a hinge, yeah.
You're distracting me.
Kate, I'm in love.
- I don't see you in that way.
- What? Look, I was just being extra nice because I felt bad about the e-mail.
And I flashed you this beguiling smile and looked at you - with these huge eyes and - What e-mail? My reply to your e-mail about the energy-saving light bulbs.
Sorry, I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
I have all e-mails from tenants automatically forwarded to junk.
No, but you said you were sad about a message.
Yes, I'd been dumped.
- What, by who? - By the most wonderful woman in the world.
We met on the number 29.
Both reached for the same pole, next stop, love.
If you discount all the stops on the way to Wood Green.
Well, what happened next? She dumped me.
And then, for some reason, you took me to a French porn film.
No, it's the real deal, apparently he wore it in Euro '96 against Holland.
Set up the third goal, Danny Blind woefully out of position.
Oh, God, you're great.
you know so many facts.
Can't believe you won this in a raffle.
I know! It's hard to believe, isn't it? Here's a fact.
Did you know Teddy Sheringham was the Premier League's oldest ever outfield player? 40 years, 272 days.
Oh, my God, it is so good to see you.
I'm sorry about what happened.
I just needed some space.
And time to think? - Yeah, time to think.
- That's what I thought.
[DOORBELL RINGS] [KNOCK AT DOOR] Oh, ignore that, it's probably just Jehovah's Witnesses.
[DOORBELL RINGS] [KNOCK AT DOOR] Very keen to spread the word.
VALERIE: Come on, Josh, I know you're in there.
- They know your name? - They've probably just got a database.
[DOORBELL RINGS] [KNOCK AT DOOR] Josh, I think you should OK, fine, I'll go and sort it.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES] Oh, look, there he is, my date for the evening.
Ah, Valerie, did you get my text? I don't like being stood up, Josh.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Oh, I understand perfectly.
No, Valerie, no.
No, Valerie! - And who are you? - Hi, I'm Gemma, Josh's girlfriend.
Bloody hell, you move fast.
I was only making you breakfast 12 hours ago.
Breakfast? Josh, who is this? Oh, she works at the local cafe, and I think she's having a breakdown.
Works in the local cafe? Is that an innuendo? Actually, I can tell you it's not, cos I wrote the bloody book on them.
Did he happen to mention that last night we had the full English, and by that I mean sex? Josh, what the hell is going on? No, you have to remember you said you needed some space, and that is shorthand for dumping someone.
You told ME you needed some space! You little shit.
Is this what you meant by trying something new? No, I was just very confused, and people kept telling me to get back on the horse.
And that is not an innuendo, Valerie.
- It is.
- I can't believe you've cheated on me.
Look, I tried to explain Oh, hey guys, just in time to catch a two-timer red-handed.
Gemma.
Valerie.
- Oh, dear.
- Er, excuse me, Owen, what is SHE doing wearing the Teddy Sheringham shirt I gave you? You've been selling on my merch? No, this is Josh's.
You gave it to Josh? Why? Because I wanted him to go out with Valerie.
You were paid to sleep with me? No, he gave it to me afterwards.
I don't care if the money was paid up front or in lieu.
You're making me wear the trophy you were paid for sex with? What kind of a pervert are you? Quite a pedestrian one, actually.
What the hell is going on in here? Oh, another member of your harem.
Valerie! - Geoff? - What are you doing here? Have you come to win me back? Kate, this is Valerie, the woman I was telling you about.
I tell you what, Josh.
Here's a man who didn't say no to a bit of hash brown.
- I love a good breakfast, me.
- And the rest.
Oh, it's good to see, Valerie.
I've missed you.
Course you have, Geoff.
Come on, you can take me for coffee.
Do you actually mean coffee this time? No, of course I don't.
You like black pudding, don't you? Oh, my God.
You and Geoff are custard cousins! Valerie Call on me Call on me [LOUD CHEWING] Mmm.
- Hash brown? - Oh, God.
Suit yourself.
Love songs fill the night But they don't tell it all Not how lovers cry out Just like they're dying Her cries hang there In time, somewhere