Josh (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sex and Politics

1 I can't believe they didn't go with the European plug adaptor stuff.
I mean, I've got six, but I can't find any of them.
That's good stuff.
Yes, but they looked like the kind of audience who holiday in the UK, - so - What a gig.
Smashed it.
Yeah, well done.
- Died on your arse.
- I was there.
Unlike most of the audience, by the time you'd finished! Yes, good one(!) Oh, such a pity there was that reviewer in.
Yeah, but how many people read the Evening Standard? - About 1.
58 million.
- Oh.
And they'll put it online.
Trouble with an online review is, they hang around for ever.
In a million years, right, there will be humans with gills going, "Josh must have been really shit at comedy.
" KEVIN LAUGHS Yes, good one.
Anyway, good to see you, guys.
I'm going to go and, erm, talk to some fans.
Oh.
See you later.
Who actually does that? Not you in the last six months.
Cheers, mate.
Can we just go? - Yes.
- I want to get home.
Sorry, I just wanted to say, I loved your stuff on Fruit Corners.
Oh, really? "I want breakfast, not an origami lesson!" It's like you were reading my thoughts.
I've actually got more Muller stuff I didn't even get to.
Oh, really? Yeah, like, what is going on with Crunch Corners? What are those little balls? What am I trying to do, trip up a burglar in Home Alone? - WOMAN LAUGHS - Well, I thought you were funny, even if the others didn't.
- Thank you.
- Oh, are you going? No, no, my shoulder's just under the air-conditioning unit, so I'm keeping it warm.
Oh, good, I was hoping to buy you a drink.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah, of course, yeah.
I can't believe someone that attractive hit on me.
I feel like Seal.
Maybe I should try being a shit stand-up comic.
Who knew that is what girls are into? She is so far out of my league.
Mate, no disrespect, but if you were a football club, you'd have to close most of the ground, because it wouldn't reach the division's health and safety requirements.
That's what I was thinking, I'd be playing with a greatly reduced gate.
Please don't mess this up for us.
What do you mean, for us? Think about the friends she's going to have.
Attractive people hang out with attractive people.
They hunt in packs.
If you pull this off, I'll have the keys to the city, - I'll be like Ian McShane in Bury.
- What? They gave him the freedom of the city, he can go anywhere he likes.
I think it's a mainly ceremonial thing.
No, my auntie lives there.
If he knocks on the door, you've got to let him in.
He's always rocking up on a Sunday lunchtime, trying to get a free Sunday roast.
Thing is, he's not very good company.
He will not talk about Lovejoy and he will not let you try on that leather jacket.
Josh, was your gig at the Chuckle Bucket last night? Yeah, are you googling for the review? Erm, you tanked and someone wrote about it.
- Of course I'm going to look it up.
- How bad is it? No review as yet, but amazing news, someone has written a blog about your gig.
- Oh, God.
- Josh I think you might have a date with Miss Naughty of North London.
What? Miss Naughty of North London writes, "Last night, I found myself at the Chuckle Bucket "comedy club on the hunt for a man who could make me laugh.
"After a year of going for obviously hot guys, "it's time to try something different "and see if I can be laughed into bed.
"So I ended up giving my number to a comedian.
" This is incredible! You have a date with a sex blogger.
Of course, this makes perfect sense.
She's just using you as her next subject.
- No, that's not true.
- She's good, though, you never would've known.
- No, she liked me.
That's why she gave me her number and bought me a drink.
Oh, that explains the D minus she gave you for chivalry.
- D minus?! - Is she marking him? - Yeah.
- Let's have a look.
Starting scores alongside the D minus for chivalry.
- C for dress sense, E for face.
- E for face?! E for face, what a kick in the knackers.
Or is it your face? I can't tell.
Still, C for dress sense.
I mean, that's a pass.
Four more of those and you can go through to sixth form.
TV IS ON DOORBELL RINGS Oh, Geoff, look, I'm just in the middle of something.
I bet you are and I bet it's costing me money.
Dearie me, what is this? Times Square? - You don't have to have it all on.
- Stop.
It's like Dixons in here.
Look at it, everything.
Your use of amenities is out of control.
I bet you've had a bath today, haven't you? Er, well, yes, actually I have.
When I was your age, I used to wash twice a week, and that was in the sink.
How small were you? If you're single, why are you washing anyway? It's one of the great benefits of a life alone.
That and a bed to spread out in, one less funeral to organise.
And on Valentine's Day, it's really easy to get a table for one.
February 14th, 8pm, Geoff wants to go to La Tasca, no problem.
Table facing the wall? That'll do nicely.
Do I need a menu? No, thanks, I'll have what I have every year.
- Are you done? - No.
To sum up, stop bathing.
I've been bathing since I moved in here, why do you suddenly care now? I'm in a financial hole, Kate.
It's not just you.
The cost of the upkeep of these buildings is going through the roof.
Ironically.
Well, I would enjoy that wordplay if I wasn't so worried.
People keep fixing things and I keep having to pick up my share of the bill.
It's not like I live here.
Why should I care if the asbestos stays or goes? - Surely there's a residents' association.
Can't you complain to them? - Oh, yeah, I'm a member.
I'm just not getting my motions through.
Have you tried a strong coffee? Again, I would enjoy that wordplay if I wasn't so worried.
Actually, if you're going soon, could you ask about fixing the lift? What, and be lumbered with more costs? Absolutely not.
But it's ruining my life.
I have to go up three flights of stairs every time I come home.
Is that why you're bathing so much? Can I come and ask about it? If you think you can handle life on the political ladder.
You're not on the political ladder.
I am, and it's very high pressure.
Today I may be settling a dispute with residents' parking.
Tomorrow I could be carpet-bombing the Middle East.
Geoff STUMBLING - GEOFF: - Oh! I'm fine.
All right, mate? What do you want? I want to talk about your date.
Oh, I'm probably going to cancel.
I don't want someone grading my conversation and wit.
I wouldn't read the Evening Standard today, then.
- Oh, God.
- Although, if you want to, Kate's got six copies.
She's heading back to the Circle line now, - see if there are any more lying around.
- Oh, great(!) - Listen, I don't want you to cancel this date, OK? Cos it is a brilliant opportunity.
- How? - You've been on her blog, it's like reading a manual to her romantic life.
All of her past dates are there, her likes, her dislikes.
All you've got to do is take this information and create the perfect date, ignoring the fact that you'll be there.
So what do I do? Well, where would you normally take a date? Tenpin bowling? Are you joking? No, it's a good date.
You've got the physical contact of both holding the same ball, you could put flirty names into the scoreboard.
You can see her feet without shoes on.
Seriously, that is a terrible idea.
You need to read her blog posts from the dates she had with, I think it was Nile in 2014.
She got her watch caught in the ball dispensing machine.
It's left her with a pathological fear of them.
She says that every time she closes her eyes, she can see the next ball spinning towards her in the darkness.
So where do I take her, then? I've had a look at the blog, here's the itinerary.
It's a "best of", if you will.
Dinner at Lanzini's, window seat - Steve, 2015.
Then, one pudding, two spoons - Ian, 2014.
After that, a romantic stroll along the river where you open up about something deeply personal, that was Pablo in February.
After that Lean in for the kiss.
No, you pay for her Uber home, executive class.
- Executive class? - Yeah, you get a free bottle of water, you get to play your Spotify through the car speakers.
Like on a private jet? It's better than a private jet, mate.
On a private jet you've got to turn off your Bluetooth.
Trust me.
Erm, is it just the two of us? No, we're early.
Oh, good.
There'll be three of us when Giles arrives.
Sorry I'm late, I've just been for a meeting at the ACTUAL council.
And yes, I have managed to get that local youth choir closed down, so there will be no more tone-deaf children having loud fun around here.
I see we have a new addition to the war room.
Erm, yes, hi, I'm Kate.
Sorry I'm here to talk about the broken lift.
Oh, you sound like absolutely fascinating company.
Which flat do you live in? - Seven.
- Great.
Remind me to never pop round for a coffee.
Can't risk the combination of your conversation and a third-floor window.
So, item one, I have a creaky front door.
I suggest that we get me a new one, with a nice window in it.
Why does it have to have a window? So if she comes to visit, I know to hide! Yeah, but surely that's a personal expense, it's not a building cost.
Geoff, do you want me to not get a new door and then annoy all my neighbours with constant creaking? IMITATES CREAKING DOOR GILES CONTINUES TO CREAK OK, we get it! So, all those in favour of me getting a new door? All those against? - New door granted.
- What? Motion passed by chairman's prerogative.
See article 19, subsection D of the residents' association charter as amended for 2016.
What the hell? You can't just ignore us.
Item two.
Yet another energy saving suggestion from our very own Captain Planet, Geoff Jeffries.
- Yeah.
- CLEARS THROA Lady and gentleman, the timed light switch that guides you down the hallway stays on for 15 seconds, which means that every time you turn it on, a polar bear dies.
Now, I can't prove that, but you can't disprove it.
So I propose cutting the pop-out time to one second, thus saving the Arctic/Antarctic, whichever it is, and ã28 per annum.
Sorry, how are we supposed to get down the hallway in one second? Although she is clearly an idiot, in this particular instance she speaks sense.
Well, what you need to do is turn the light on, look at what's in the corridor, commit it to memory and go for it.
Let's conduct a simple experiment.
Oh, somebody's been to Ryman's.
It's Staples, actually.
Kate.
Look at this picture.
You ready? Yeah.
Did you see any hazards? Was that a wolf on the left? Exactly! So now you know to walk on the right-hand side of the corridor.
And remember, the wolf is more afraid of you than you are of him.
Thank you.
Why would there be a wolf? Well, cos someone left the door open.
Firstly, I think we can all agree that a better comment would have been, "Because somebody failed to keep the wolf from the door.
" Secondly, what an absurd idea.
Motion dismissed.
Right, AOB, by which I don't mean, annoying old bastard.
Geoff's already had his say! So any other business? Yeah, like I said, the lift needs fixing.
- No.
- Why not? I live on the ground floor.
Dismissed.
Yeah, I've been on some awful dates.
- Yeah, I know.
- What? I mean, we all have, haven't we? - SHE LAUGHS - Yeah, right.
Every bad date makes a good story, though.
Yeah, of course it does, yeah.
Last Valentine's, I went on a blind date with a market trader.
He took me to a chain restaurant and then spent ten minutes trying to haggle down - the price of bruschetta.
- Oh, my God! What kind of grade would you have given that date? Teachers don't grade everything, Josh! - No, of course, sorry.
- I'd have given it an F.
I hope I've done better than that tonight.
Tonight has been quite the opposite.
Lanzini's was incredible.
And then this.
Amy, can I share something with you? Another pudding? No, something personal.
Just wanted to tell you that I'm .
.
asthmatic.
OK.
It hasn't always made my life easy.
I remember when I was a kid and some kids teased me, because I wheezed through the minute's silence for Princess Diana.
But I try not to let it hold me back.
Last year, I did a charity 10k.
I beat Louise Redknapp.
- Oh! - To be fair, she was dressed as a lung.
I've never told anyone that before.
I mean, about the asthma, not about Louise Redknapp.
Well, we've both got to be up early.
Do we? I know you do.
Shall I get you an Uber? There you go.
Oh, look, executive class.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
- Have you got Spotify on your phone? - Yeah.
You can thank me later.
Giles is awful.
I mean, that meeting was unbearable.
One of the better ones, actually, Kate.
Better? It was like being on Kim Jong-un's cabinet.
I mean, he's probably outside now playing basketball with Dennis Rodman.
No, he won't be, he's enforced a "no ball games" rule.
Confiscated my Hacky Sack.
Isn't even a ball.
I just made it move like one.
Right, OK.
Erm Well, anyway, I've been looking into it and as members of the residents' association, we have the power to call a vote of no-confidence in Giles.
I mean, do you know what that means? - Vaguely.
- Basically, it means A vote of no confidence will trigger an extraordinary general meeting - and a subsequent vote on leadership.
- Right, so The following vote will then be counted at 1900 hours, - all in attendance will be nominated.
- Yeah The motion will be conducted in accordance with a single transferable vote system, so that if there's no overall winner after the first ballot, second preference votes will then be counted.
Something like that? Erm, yeah, yeah.
Something like that.
So if we vote together, we can get rid of Giles.
As a duo, I could help you to power.
I could be the Brown to your Blair.
The Osborne to your Cameron.
- Balls to my Miliband.
- Yeah, if you like.
Balls! I mean, his name is Balls.
Can't believe nobody ever noticed that! Do you know Tony Robinson once tricked the Time Team into digging him a new fish pond by claiming he had found a Roman goblet in his flowerbed? JOSH: Oh, my God, guys, you're not going to believe this.
The plan literally couldn't have gone any better.
She just texted me to say riding in an Uber executive made her feel like a soap star.
A soap star! I made her feel like Pam St Clement.
Thank you, Owen.
All part of the service, Josh.
Did you see what she wrote on her blog this morning? "He's coming around tomorrow, we'll see how things develop.
" Winky face, winky face.
We all know where this is going.
60 seconds of heavy breathing, followed by an hour of apologies? OWEN LAUGHS You can say what you want, mate, I know what I'm doing.
- Brilliant, look forward to reading about it.
- What? On Miss Naughty of North London.
I was reading it yesterday.
Have you actually read back through her sexual conquests? She doesn't review that, does she? It's a sex blog, that's why people read it.
Owen, why didn't you tell me? I didn't want to get in your head.
You tend to panic when you know the reviewers are in.
Oh, God, is she harsh? Probably best to ask Ian "Tiny Dick" Richards.
She named and shamed? She's not necessarily going to give you a bad review, is she? "But it was his pitiful body that disappointed most.
"He was as scrawny as a whippet.
"But the real letdown was when he decided to WHIP IT out.
" Clever.
"Where's the Hubble telescope when you need it? "Sex grade, G minus.
" That's not even a grade.
What am I going to do? The way I see it is, you have two options.
Either you have sex with her and you're publicly humiliated online, or you miss your one chance to sleep with a beautiful woman.
Or he has sex with her and she has a great time.
BOTH: No.
Listen, you can't pull the plug at this late stage.
You're so close, you'll regret it for ever.
Let me help you.
How? Welcome to possibility number three.
Right, take your top off.
- What? - Come on, top off, chop chop.
No, what is this, Hollyoaks Late? Listen, if I'm going to help you get a good review, I need to see what I'm working with.
Top off, please.
Good, that's better.
Right, this is just a simple physical examination.
This is a safe space.
Whoa! What the bloody hell is that?! - What? - That weird indentation.
Was your father an egg cup? No, I've got a pectus excavatum.
I've just got a slightly sunken sternum.
- What can we do about it? - We don't need to do anything about it.
It just gives my chest character.
Character? Looks like someone's carried out a controlled explosion.
Hold on.
I can hear the sea.
Well, I suppose I could try and suck it out with a Henry Hoover.
Neither me nor Henry wants that.
- Bit of Polyfilla? - Leave me alone.
I can try and work round it, mate, but I'm sure the review won't.
Just so you know, I'm already disappointed in you.
Hello, madam, I'm from the residents' association.
I was wondering if I can count on your vote this upcoming election? (It's me.
Let me in.
) What are you doing? Just canvassing for votes around the building.
Acting natural.
Not letting Giles know our little coup is already in action.
Of course.
Just to check, Geoff.
If I do this for you, you are going to fix the lift, aren't you? Getting the lift working is an aim of my tenure.
Sorry, is that a yes or a no? It is a yes.
In that, in an ideal world, I want the lift to work as much as anyone.
Sorry, yes or no, Geoff? Kate, I have many hopes for my premiership and getting the lift working is certainly one of them.
Right.
Great, so I'll see you at the vote? - Mm.
- Remember, you're my Balls! That's still funny! - It's not - Scratching my Balls! - He's called Balls! - OK, please leave.
OK.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, my God.
Yes, I get it, his name is Balls.
- Oh.
- Good afternoon, Kate.
I'm going to cut to the chase, I need your help.
I'm not going to help you burn down an orphanage, Giles.
Don't worry, Kate, I'd never ask you to do that.
Burn it down, they only rebuild it.
Get them with the correct red tape, it'll stay shut for ever.
I'm joking.
Kind of.
Now, I'm sure you've heard that Geoff has put in this tedious little meeting to vote in a new leader.
- I need you to vote for me.
- No chance.
- Vote for me, I will get that lift fixed within 48 hours.
- No.
- 46? - No.
- 44? - No.
43? 43? Now, the body can change dramatically in just 24 hours.
Think of this as the day before a boxing weigh-in, OK? I want to get you down to your dating weight.
I'm quite slim.
Not as slim as you would be under peak dehydration.
And did you know, the body is 75% water? I think that's bananas.
That's not bananas, that is true.
Anyway, I can get you cracking with a quick boxing drill.
I want to see you sweat, I want you like a rich American housewife.
- What? - Ready to spar.
- That is not good enough.
- Fair enough.
Anyway, hands in front of your face, on your toes like a boxer.
- Oh, your shoelaces are undone.
- Is it? - Ow! - Unbelievable.
Come on, concentrate.
- Oldest trick in the book.
- Can you please not do that? - Yes, fine, OK.
- Oddly, the other one has come undone.
- Has it? - Ow! - I can't believe it, this is astonishing.
Come on, man, what is wrong with you? Seriously, Owen, these shoes undo very easily.
I've got wide feet, which means short bows.
Wide feet! Bloody hell, is there any part of you that's normal? You're like a misshapen biscuit.
- Although they are short bows.
- They are - Ow! - Unbelievable.
Come on, these are old, old tricks.
What is wrong with you, man? - Your shoelaces.
- Yes, good one.
No, seriously, mate, you might trip.
All joking apart.
Imagine if you fell over, it'd be awful.
That is too dangerous.
We can't carry on.
What, honestly? Honestly.
You are such an idiot.
I just don't see why we both need to be topless.
Josh, chances are you're going to encounter naked flesh, so I need to know that you're not going to be so intimidated that you can't speak.
Just go with me on this one.
OK.
Obviously in an ideal world, I'd be wearing fake breasts, but life - doesn't always give you what you need.
- Very deep.
A bit like your chest.
Now, Miss Naughty of North London finds confidence sexy, so everything you say must be confident and sexy.
Don't doubt yourself.
Be like Sergey Bubka.
Who is Sergey Bubka? Oh, he dominated the pole vault in the '90s.
But now the time has come for you to dominate with your - Yes, I get it.
- OK.
So one last time, for me.
Would you like a glass of wine? I want more than that.
Very nice.
Would you like me to take your coat? Yeah, and you can take my shirt as well.
Oh, lovely.
Classic Bubka.
How about this one, then? What would you like to watch? You, taking your clothes off.
Yes, please.
Are you sure you don't want a drink? No, I'm off the liquids.
OK.
Books.
Classic English teacher.
I'm really a frustrated writer.
Right, so, what kind of stuff do you write? Put it this way, nothing I'd want the kids at school to read.
Still, it's better than sitting around watching television.
I'd like to watch you Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that.
So, what have you been up to today? - Just wading through some marking.
- Of course.
I feel like I spend my life grading people.
- Are you marking this? - Oh, yeah! What would you give it, a B minus? I'd take a C, I'm not greedy.
You know what? I think you're more confident than you let on.
So, how was that? - Sorry? - Like, what grade would you give that? Was that a pass? AC minus.
But we can work on it.
I can up my game, it was a first attempt.
Josh, I was joking.
Are you OK? Yes, I'm just a bit stressed.
This isn't meant to be stressful.
You don't seem very in the moment.
I am in the moment, I just want the moment to be right.
Oh Oh, are you new at this sort of thing? No, no, I'm not a virgin, no.
Quite the opposite, I've been compared to Sergey Bubka.
The meerkat? No, he dominated the pole vault in the '90s.
The meerkat? No, I'm just worried that you're judging me.
I'm not.
I'm kissing you.
Of course, of course.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Look, I think we should just take a breather.
I want to go and check on the food.
But the main thing is, it is in fact a bead-filled, hand-stitched and/or crocheted sack, not a ball.
Hence the name, Hacky Sack.
Well, on this particular occasion, I might be prepared to compromise.
We could have a sign that says, "No ball or sack games".
Right, and so to the vote.
If you'd all like to take a voting slip and rank your candidates in order of preference, we can get this wrapped up quickly.
And the results are one vote for Geoff.
Got this in the bag.
One vote for Giles.
Speech.
Andone rather crudely drawn picture of a penis side on.
Oh.
Spoilt ballot.
Vote rejected.
A draw.
Existing chairperson remains.
And that person is .
.
little old me.
Not according to article eight, section F.
- What? - Even a blithering idiot knows that a tied ballot leads to a single transferable vote.
So we move on to our second options.
Now, one vote for Kate.
Oh, two votes for Kate.
And Oh, a rather crudely drawn picture of a penis side on.
Which still doesn't count, so I think that means the winner islittle old me! Now, let's talk about that lift.
Owen, this is a disaster.
I can't relax.
She brought up marking and now I can't think about anything else.
- Zonal or man-to-man? - What? - Well, if you want my opinion, the problem with man-to-man is that you can't afford to switch off, but there's no doubt it is more effective from set pieces.
No, marking my kissing with a score.
I don't think I'm coming across as very relaxed.
Right, OK, has she seen the chest bunker yet? - No.
- Well, then, there's still hope.
You need to remember what I told you, it is about confidence and I believe in you.
Did you or did you not nail that last date? - Yeah, I did, yeah.
- Good.
And have you, or have you not, lost over half a stone in liquid? Yeah, I'm seriously dehydrated.
I haven't needed a piss since Homes Under The Hammer.
Oh, that's 12 hours ago.
Congratulations.
You are at your fighting weight, you have earned this.
Yes, I have.
Remember what I told you, this woman likes confidence, sexual confidence.
It is now or never.
You need to get out there, cos this is your one opportunity to sleep with someone way above your paygrade.
As soon as you get a chance, you need to say something sexually explosive, OK? OK, OK, I'm going to do it.
All right, I'll see you later.
.
.
Not very likely, milady! Chuckle Bucket last week, with Josh.
Yes, hi, how are you? - Shall I get us a drink? - Yeah, pint of lager, please, love.
She was there, thought Josh was shit.
"Oh, yoghurt problems.
" - Well - Loved my stuff.
One of the perks of the job, copping off with audience members.
Just time for a drink and then we'll be heading back to mine to ink the contract.
I think it's going to be mind-blowing, she's one of those sex bloggers.
Oh Oh! Oh, what's her blog called? Miss Naughty of North London.
Look it up.
I imagine me and my massive wang will be featuring pretty heavily tomorrow.
Oh, what's the worst that can happen? Pasta's ready.
- Great.
- Let's hope so.
Yeah, pasta's my favourite.
Good to hear.
But I don't want to eat your pasta.
I want to eat your pussy.
I'm sorry? I said, I don't want to eat your pasta, I want to eatyour pussy.
What? I'd rather not say it again.
Why would you say it at all? I was being sexually explosive.
- Were you? - Yeah, it's meant to be flattering.
How is that flattering? Because I love pasta, but in this situation, it comes a distant second.
We barely know each other, that is a disgusting thing to say.
Look, I know you're Miss Naughty of North London.
I've read your blog.
I'm not a blogger, I'm a teacher.
Yeah, by day maybe, but by night the mortarboard comes off and on goes the sex hat.
What is a sex hat? I don't know, you're the sex writer.
I am not a sex writer, I write Sherlock Holmes fan fiction.
- So you're not Miss Naughty? - No! Ah, well, there has been a dreadful mix-up.
It's quite funny, actually To quote the Evening Standard, "This is not funny.
" No, it is, because my flatmate thought it was you, so we went on your blog to work out how to make you like me.
I did like you, Josh.
That's why I came over to you at the gig, I thought you were funny.
I liked how nervous you were, I liked you.
Well, the good news is, that's the real me.
No.
The real you is a creepy internet stalker that goes round people's houses and makes inappropriate comments about the pasta.
I think you should leave.
- But it wasn't me, it was Owen - Just Just get out.
Could I just get a glass of water? - I am dangerously dehydrated.
- No.
Sexy Everything about you Thanks for this, Kate.
All part of the new regime.
Come to Daddy! Yes! Ho-ho! Oh! Ah.
- Getting there.
One more.
- Yeah.
- Bit rusty.
- Try again.
One - KATE LAUGHS - Too hard.
# .
.
Work it a little Get hot just a little # Meet me in the middle # Let go just a little bit more Just a little bit # Give me just a little bit more # Let me # I'll do anything if you just let me # Come on, baby Find a way to make you explore