Kevin Can Wait (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Chore Weasel

1 Oh, shoot! What? Oh, the new armoire is being delivered today, and someone has to be home between noon and 3:00 to sign for it.
No, Mom, I can't.
I have class and then work.
Oh! You know what? Maybe Jenny could cover my shift.
No, what am I thinking? She's still in Rhode Island.
Sorry, Mom.
I'll do it for 10 bucks.
[Scoffs] Get to school! - I love you guys.
Bye, guys.
- Kendra: Love you.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Good morning! Oh! Chale, you're gonna be home today, right? Well, as you know, I am here every day.
And I would do anything to help out my future mother-in-law.
But not today.
[Chuckles] I'm heading into the city.
There's an investors conference that could lead to Hope, hope Some startup funds, which would mean I would be allowed to start paying you rent for living in the garage.
But, once again, no guarantees.
[Chuckles] - Oh! Honey! - Hey, babe! - Oh, I'm so glad I caught you.
- Yeah? Hey, listen, I have a delivery coming, and I need you to be home between noon and 3:00 today to sign for it.
Oh, you know I would love to help you out there, but no can do, 'cause I, uh I got an appointment.
- An appointment? - Yeah.
Uh, at 11:00, I got a light lunch, and then, uh little pigskin on the gridiron at noon, so Football? No! No, you're retired now, and you can help me with these kind of things.
Oh, come on.
You're asking me to sit around all day and do nothing here? That's what you do every other day.
It's by choice, though, Donna.
It's a big difference.
Come on.
I'm playing football.
No! No.
I need you here, okay? Plus, you and your buddies tackling each other in a field is a terrible idea.
You always wind up injured and laying around and complaining about it for a week.
Okay, that is a crazy exaggeration.
There might have been, like, a couple bumps and bruises.
You threw your back out, Duffy lost a tooth, and didn't Mott get a concussion? No, it wasn't a concussion.
It was after the game, he drank a soda, and he just stood up too fast, that's all.
I am not your ordinary guy You got to go home and wait for a delivery? Man, we challenged these guys months ago.
We can't back out now.
I heard those rookie cops have been talking a lot of smack about us being retired.
"Oh, we're young.
We can do a pull-up.
" Our prostates are normal-sized.
" Come on, man, we got to shut them up! I know.
Believe me, I've been training for this for six months.
[Scoffs] Mentally, guy mentally.
[As Howard Cosell] 2016.
The setting Mansfield Park, Massapequa.
These gladiators right here Uhh we're not playing.
What?! Donna's making your brother stay at home to wait for an armoire.
Okay, she's not making me, all right? She works hard.
She asked me to do her a favor, you know.
I'm doing it 'cause it's the right thing to do.
Why don't you get a Chore Weasel to do it? A Chore Weasel? Yeah, I heard of that.
It It's an app, like Uber, except people come over and do stuff for you.
Yeah, we used one last week.
17 bucks an hour.
He stood in line for tickets to "Aladdin.
" Not for me for another guy down at the firehouse.
- It was me.
- Huh.
Great show.
I don't know, man.
Paying a stranger to sit at the house all day while I'm playing football? What do I tell Donna? You don't.
Well, that solves that.
Okay, so, I'll sign for the delivery, lock up when I leave, and you'll get the invoice sent to your phone.
Uh, listen, about that And it's not a big deal or anything, but is there any way the charge can come up as "Long Island CrossFit," you know? I'm not sure I could swing that, but you will be billed discreetly.
You'll hear our Chore Weasel tone [Cellphone chimes melodically] - and you're all set.
- Great.
I mean, not that I'm doing anything wrong.
It's just that I don't want my wife to be part of Oh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry, Mr.
I've had my share of married men.
[Rock music plays] [Indistinct talking] Come on! [Indistinct talking] Ten-hut! [All grunting] Ohhh! [Exhaling sharply] [Groans] [Groans] Blake? You still here? - Hey, Mr.
- Hey.
How was the game? Whoa! Look a little banged up.
Must have been sick! It was.
We don't play to lose.
- You guys won? - We did not.
- But it was sick.
- Yeah.
You okay? Uh, yeah.
I just hurt the ankle playing.
Hurt a lot more if the wife finds out about it.
I get it.
I had an ex-girlfriend was the same way.
Yeah, she would just lose her mind every time I went BASE jumping.
Yeah, this is just like that.
[Sighs] You, uh you put the thing together.
Is that a problem? I don't know if my wife's gonna believe I did this.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, I fought her pretty hard on just waiting for it, so then I put it together? It just doesn't sound like me, you know? Okay, well, I can take 'er apart, chop-chop.
No, you know what? Look, I-I'm a good guy.
I do a lot of stuff around here.
Let Let's roll the dice on it.
It's fine.
All right, that's the spirit, Mr.
Sturdy, too, huh? - [Laughs] - I do nice work.
Yeah, you do.
I just can't believe I didn't bring it upstairs.
[Laughs] Upstairs? I think you did.
Yeah! Donna: [Gasps] You put the armoire together?! It didn't put itself together.
Awwwww! You are amazing! I did nothing.
No, you went the extra mile.
And I really appreciate it.
Now, you come over here and you give me a kiss.
You get over here and you give me a kiss.
Aw, honey.
I just want you to know I'm really impressed.
Well, you know what it is? I like working with my hands.
Oh? And that's the problem with society now Nobody wants to work.
Well, as long as you have that attitude, how about putting up the new spice rack, hmm? And could you take a look at the gutters? I look at them every day.
They're up there.
No, come on, please.
I mean, they really need to be cleaned out.
It's supposed to rain this weekend.
Really? I-I'm just I'm just saying, I heard cloudy with, like, the sun peeking through, you know? I just would hate to do all the work and find out it never rained.
Ah! I get it.
You act like you don't want to do it, you're not gonna do it, and then surprise! I come home, and you did it.
[Laughs] You are so good.
You are.
I guess you know this one's a surprise now, so I probably shouldn't do it, right? No.
You should.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
I'll do it, yeah.
[Sighs] Boy, you had a lot of leaves up there.
When's the last time you cleaned those? Oh Let's see.
Jack is 10.
We didn't have him yet.
I'm gonna say somewhere in the neighborhood of '03? I'm gonna get us some drinks.
You want a juice, soda? Surprise me.
Beer it is.
[Door closes] Oh, Chale.
You're, uh, here.
I thought you were going to the city.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Gable, do you think you could have your handyman put a shim under my air conditioner? It's rattling.
Handyman? Uh What What What handyman? The one on the roof, cleaning the leaves.
I believe you call him Blake.
Okay, um This is serious, and I need you to listen to me, all right? There is no handyman.
There's no Blake.
And if Donna asks, it was me cleaning the gutters.
You with me? - Yes.
- Okay.
- I am with you.
- All right.
So would you [Chuckles] be able to put a shim under my air conditioner? I can't because I'm on the ladder, clearing the gutters.
You remember? We just just The art of deception.
I find this intoxicating.
[Laughs] [Groans] Whoa! Your ankle's really blowing up on you, huh? Oh, yeah, she's, uh, turning some pretty wild colors.
[Laughs] Well, Mr.
Gable, remember this.
Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
That's a lot of weakness right there.
I think the wife was right.
My football days are kind of behind me.
What?! No.
Gable, I I'm I'm sorry.
I respectfully disagree.
I mean, you were a cop, out there, on the street Danger around every corner.
Adrenaline pumping through your veins every day.
Not every day.
Some days, we had to file.
But the point is, you don't just turn that off.
I mean, I love that you're out there, getting crazy with your boys.
I hope I'm that active when I'm What are you, 38? Give or take.
I mean, you know Why don't you sit down, have a beer, just relax for a second, man? - Thanks.
- Yeah.
So, uh, tell me about you.
Where'd you, uh Where'd you grow up? Where didn't I grow up? [Chuckles] My dad was a career Marine.
He, uh, he lost his leg My wife's here! Get out of here! - What? - Get down, get down! What? Get down, quick! Lower.
Get out of here.
Stay low, stay low.
Do me a favor just grab the garbage on the way out.
That's be great.
Donna: Babe? Yeah, honey, in the back.
[Groans] [Gasps] [Groans] Ohhhh! Look at you go! My man! Yeah! Oh, wow.
Was all that crap up there? Yeah, it was jammed in there pretty tight.
[Cellphone ches melodically] What's that? Oh, it's a - Yeah, it's a Silver Alert.
- Silver Alert? Yeah.
You know, it's like an Amber Alert, but for old people.
Some grandma is just She's lost in Ronkonkoma.
She's gonna be fine.
You don't get those on your phone? No.
Oh, honey, you should sign up for it.
Yeah, it takes a village.
I got to go wash up.
So, let me get this straight.
My face doesn't feel like it's wrapped in barbed wire.
It's just weakness leaving my body? Yes! You're getting it now.
All right.
My doctor took X-rays and said that the jelly that goes between my top two vertebrae is gone.
It's not the jelly that's gone, guy.
it's weakness.
No, he showed it to me It's jelly.
You believe this? Don't worry.
I'm gonna be fine.
I got what they call a floating elbow.
A lot of the top athletes get it.
[Sighs] Guys, all right, come on, we can't let this slow us down.
We got to stay the course.
Next week, we're renting dirt bikes.
- Mnh-mnh! No, no! - Yes! You guys are killing me here.
I hope you like truth on your pizza, 'cause you're about to get a big bite.
In life, if you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards.
There is no neutral.
You watching Tony Robbins commercials again? No, I'm telling you, even my Chore Weasel, Blake, says it.
- You're still using that guy? - Yeah.
He's awesome.
He's got an unbelievable view on life, on living it, man! I mean, look at Enzo.
You know how he stays so young? This hustling.
He could be at home all day, watching the Weather Channel, but he's not.
He's out in the world.
He's making things happen.
Enzo, how old are you? I'm 41.
[Wheezing] Really? That's got to be the heat from the pizza ovens right there.
I tell you what I'm getting Islander tickets tonight, okay? Yeah, come on.
A little fighting, a little hockey.
Who's with me? - I'm not.
- Kevin: What? Guy, Google "floating elbow," and you'll realize what a stupid question that is.
Yeah, I'm watching from the safety of my mom's couch.
All right, fine, but I'm taking my Chore Weasel.
If any of you guys want to join us, you're more than welcome.
I would, but every time I turn my head to the left, I smell toast.
Hey, my clothes didn't get soaked coming in.
Did somebody fix the sprinklers? Yeah your father.
- Wow.
Really? - Yeah.
Good for him.
Yep, he's been great lately.
I ask him to do something, and he just does it.
That's weird.
Wait, no complaining, nothing? No.
I mean, look.
He even put up the spice rack.
Although, do you notice anything strange? Yeah He put up a spice rack.
- Hello, ladies.
- Donna: Oh! Chale, you're here every day.
Have you noticed anything unusual No, nothing.
No, nothing.
Good cover.
Mom, he knows something.
No, I don't.
I going back to the garage now.
- Nah.
- Chale, sit down.
Honey, my mom said "Sit.
" You'd best sit.
So, what do you know? I know you have no right to question me like this.
You know what? Mom, can you just give me a second with him? Yeah.
Hey, babe, you want something to drink? I'd like that very Are you doing Good Cop, Bad Cop to me? Okay, listen.
We know that you're keeping a secret for my dad, so why don't you just tell us? I've got nothing to say.
Oh, for crying out loud, Chale, what do you know?! Now, I know Mr.
Gable is a big, scary man, but he ain't got nothing on this.
His name's Blake.
The Weasel, the gutters.
He wouldn't do the shim.
[Whimpers] Shh, shh.
Relax, relax.
You have another sip of water.
Kevin: Just right up here is fine.
Are you sure? I can take you to your driveway? No.
No, no.
Here's fine.
Here's good.
Well, I got to say, Mr.
Gable, I-I've been an Islander fan all my life and never sat center ice before.
It's the least I can do.
I was, uh I was pretty rough on you the other day.
And I can't believe you got the puck! There must have been, what, 15 people fighting for it? You know, when I want something, I gets it! [Both laugh] Yeah, and that one older lady, she just did not want to let go.
You know what I learned tonight about women over 60? - They are ticklish! - Yeah.
One little hit in the ribs there, they cough it up immediately.
[Both laugh] Anyway, I should, uh - I should probably get going.
- All right.
Oh, hey, uh, don't forget your puck.
I think you mean your puck.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No! - Yes! [Both laughing] Wow! Oh.
I don't even know what to say.
You are awesome, Mr.
If you ever need anything, you call me.
Hey, guys.
Probably not gonna be calling you.
What up, girlfriend?! Hang tight, 'kay? So, who's that? That would be my friend Blake.
He's not your Chore Weasel? I don't know.
I don't label people.
Okay, it's not what you think.
I think you've been paying this guy to do all the chores, and then you turn around and take all the credit.
Okay, it's exactly what you think.
I hired the guy the one time, and you know what? You were just loving all the work I was doing.
Uh, I think you mean the work the Chore Weasel was doing.
Okay, from now on, when I say "me," I mean "him," okay? So, the other day, the gutters Did you actually do the whole fake "getting down off the ladder" thing? I had to sell it.
And when you were selling it, how many rungs did you go up? Just the one.
Okay, look, I know it's stupid, and I'm sorry, okay? I I just don't understand why you didn't do the stuff yourself.
I really didn't give you anything that you couldn't handle.
All of this is gonna become crystal clear tomorrow, when you take me to the orthopedic specialist.
[Gasps] You got hurt playing football! Okay, for someone who knows all the answers, you ask a lot of questions.
Yes, I got hurt playing football! I can't believe you.
Look, I need the edge, Donna, all right? It keeps me alive.
Did you know Blake He thought I was 38? Oh, how much are you paying him? Not that much.
Oh, by the way, did you know Enzo is 41? Really?! Yes.
[Laughing] Oh.
Oh, look, babe, I know that you're just trying to make me happy, and that's great.
But, I mean, next time, just talk to me.
- You got it.
I will.
- All right.
Well, say good night to your Weasel friend, and we'll see you inside, okay? - I love you.
- I love you.
All right.
[Sighs] - Everything okay? - Oh, yeah.
I just, uh, had to set her straight.
She doesn't get how guys like us roll.
[Laughs] Well, listen, thanks again for the hockey game.
You know, most of my clients, they don't even give me a thank-you, much less a magical evening like this.
I'm not most clients.
No, you are not.
[Laughs] You have an awesome night, Mr.
All right, you too.
[Cellphone chimes melodically] Blake? Hmm? What's going on there, bud? Oh, that's just your receipt for tonight, plus fuel both ways.
Is there a problem with the amount? Oh, gee, let me check.
Yeah, it should be a big, fat zero with a smiley face next to it for showing you, as you just said, "a magical evening.
" Kevin, I'm a Chore Weasel.
So whether I'm waiting on a delivery or escorting a lonely dude to a hockey game, it's all $17 an hour.
Lonely dude? I could have taken a bunch of guys.
You know Give me my puck back.
Oh, hey, that's not cool.
You gave this to me.
You know what? Keep your puck if you want it.
You know what As long as it's about money for you, here's your tip anyway.
Okay? Keep that, as well.
You know, I treated you like a friend.
I never treated you like a Chore Weasel.
You just did.
[Cellphone chimes melodically] You're charging me for this argument?! What part of this process are you not understanding? Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm I'm fine.
You want to talk about it? It's just It's his birthday.
Chore Weasel? Yeah.
You know, you've forgotten my birthday more than once.
Okay, can we not make this about you, please? I'm just going through some stuff right now.
That's all.
Well, why don't you guys just be friends on Facebook? I tried, okay? I sent him a request to be friends, and just nothing.
[Cellphone chimes] Hey? Well, honey, you'll find someone else.
I will not find someone else! - I'm telling you - You just don't understand!