Kevin Can Wait (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Kevin and Donna's Book Club

1 Oh.
You're here.
Yes, it's my house.
Now it's my turn.
[British accent] Oh.
You're here.
With good reason.
Kendra and I are dropping your little ones off at sleepovers.
The least I can do for allowing me to live in your garage and marry your daughter All of it.
Um And just know I respect your boundaries, so please pretend I'm invisible.
[Normal voice] I like that.
But it's hard to pretend you're invisible when I can still see you, so Ssst.
Back a little it.
Yeah, there you go.
Still got a little peripheral on you.
Right there.
Yep, back, back.
There you go.
- Dad? - Yeah.
Oh! Dad.
Okay, I cannot study up there.
This is ridiculous.
I shouldn't have to share a room with my baby sister.
It's torture.
Oh, come on, it's not that bad, all right? Oh, it is.
She's biting her fingernails and spitting them into a Gatorade bottle.
My Gatorade bottle.
At least she's grooming, all right? It's a step in the right direction.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Why can't I just live in the garage with Chale? I mean, we're engaged.
Yeah, exactly, you're not married yet if ever.
My house, my rules.
Fine, but we are going to revisit this.
Absolutely Right after the wedding.
And even then, probably not.
- Love you.
- Oh.
Have fun tonight, okay? I took $10 out of your wallet, but I told you, so it's not stealing.
I only took $5 'cause you You raised me right.
Boom! There we go.
There you are.
- [Door closes] - Donna: Hey, honey.
Dug too deep in your bread bowl again, didn't you? I did, yeah.
The store was a madhouse.
What A slab of Brie? Yeah.
Hey, honey, you know my rule on cheeses.
Yes "if it's not individually wrapped, forget that crap.
" Yes.
But don't worry, because it's not for you.
I have my book club coming over tonight.
It's gonna be fun.
Wait a sec I got the guys tonight.
No, go to Mott's house.
He's got a big place.
Yeah, he's also got seven kids, and the twins are usually in a naked slap fight.
Okay, well, I'm not canceling.
It's my first time hosting, and I'm excited.
- Excited? - Yeah.
Oh, let me see.
Baseball book club.
Whoosh! I am not your ordinary guy Sorry I'm late.
My mother's foot veins are flaring up again.
Tell your mother to plop her feet in a bucket of hot water for 10 minutes, then ice them, then back to heat.
I heard it was ice, heat, ice.
Heat, ice.
Guys, guys, guys, hey, do me a favor.
Slow down on this conversation, 'cause I want to catch all the de [Snores] [Women laughing] What's going on in there? Oh, Donna's got her book club.
I don't what they're doing, but it sounds pretty wild.
[Laughter continues] You know what? It's pretty wild in here, too, okay, guys? I'm gonna get some more chips.
Let's focus on the game, all right? Mets are only down by 9.
Let's fix the mojo in here.
Switch seats, stand up, move around.
Come on.
- No, I got this, I got this.
- [Chanting "Chug!"] [Cheering, laughter] I'm sorry, honey.
Are we getting too loud in here? Uh, no.
Are we, uh We too loud out there? No, to be honest, I didn't even know you were still in there.
Have there been people in that room the whole night? Oh.
Yeah, it's off the chain! [Laughter] We moved.
The Phillies scored.
We moved back.
Come on, guys.
Motty! Shotgun! - Yeah, get it.
- What the hell?! Chug it, man! I don't want to chug it! You chipped it! I didn't chip it! Chug it! No, you chipped it, guy! Get him a towel! Ugh! Fine! [Laughter] Hey.
Everything okay? Ohh.
You know what? It's it's just great.
Mott puked.
We just hit another level out here.
Whoo! [Laughter continues] [Chuckles] What's up? Oh, nothing.
It's just something that happened at the book club.
[Giggles] What? Oh, we had something, too.
Uh, Duffy was riffing about his mom's foot veins.
It was hilarious.
You guys had ribs? Yeah, our book had a Southern theme, so everyone brought something.
Gina brought Kentucky bourbon, and Danielle brought biscuits, and Laura Some pretty racy stories from the Bahamas! Was there any book reading or? Well, yeah, we start with the book, but, you know, the drinks flow, and then before you know it, we're trying to sign Gina up for whipped cream wrestling at a bar in Ronkonkoma.
[Laughs] Which we all agreed would be very irresponsible.
So, this This happens every week? Well yeah.
Ever since we got rid of this one girl, Tammi, this deadweight.
All she would ever do is talk about her cat.
It's like "We get it," you know? "You didn't rescue her.
She rescued you.
" Total downer.
Anyway Pbht! Cut her loose.
You just kicked her out of the group? Yeah.
Well, I mean, I didn't, but Danielle did.
But yeah, they're not bringin' it, then they gots to go.
Out! [Rattling] Waitress.
How about a couple more slices, huh? Does Mom know you're eating this? Okay, you know what? Do me a favor.
Listen up, all right? This is where I hang out My safe place, all right? Now, when I got you the job here, I laid down a few rules and regs.
- You remember? - I do.
- Always top off your drink.
- Uh-huh.
If you ask for regular cheese, that means double cheese.
"Double cheese" means triple.
And if Mom asks, you ate something with carrots.
There you go.
And most important? If there's a pizza made by mistake, you guys get first crack at it.
All right, boys, you're probably wondering why I summonsed you here today.
Uh, not really.
We're here every day.
True, but today's different because I summonsed you.
You texted us.
It's a summons, guy.
It's a summons.
Look, it doesn't matter.
Anyway, last night was a real eye-opener to me, all right? It really brings up the question, is this as good as it gets? I guess if it had mushrooms and they burnt the crust a little Not the pizza.
I mean this life.
I mean, come on.
When we were on the force and we'd talk about our dream retirement, is this what we pictured? Kinda.
I mean, every day can't be the 4th of July.
This is like July 5th.
Hey, my aunt's birthday.
Okay, hey, hey, hey.
Big man, focus, okay? Look, last night, six ladies in a book club completely lapped us.
A book club I'm gonna let that sink in for a second.
You want us to start a book club? No.
What I want you to do is I want you to ask yourself a question "What do I bring to the table?" Seriously, Mott.
Tell me why you're an asset.
Why do I want to be in the Mott business? - Well, I'm honest.
- Mm-hmm.
- I live close by.
- There you go.
Oh, I think my minivan's a plus.
Wait, hold up.
You're evaluating us? Think about it.
How do baseball teams get better? They evaluate performance.
This is just an informal Yet permanent record of who's contributing what.
- Why don't we evaluate you? - Evaluate me? - Yeah.
- You know what? I already did.
Insane leadership skills, laser-focused, but with a playful side.
The only negative I care too much.
- I care too much.
- You know what? You forgot something bully.
You're a bully.
I'm out of here.
Yeah, me too.
Mott, let's go! You drove! [Laughter] [Door opens] I'm right behind you.
Don't turn around.
I'm just gonna use the microwave.
I am still invisible.
Still invisible.
Okay, it's okay.
You can use the microwave.
And, by the way, you want to sit down and watch the game? You know, there's no reason we shouldn't get to know each other, really.
My heart wants to believe you, but my brain screams that this is a trap.
Chale, it's not a trap.
Come on, bud.
[Laughs] You almost got me.
But not today! [Chuckles] [Laughter continues] See, that's where the book loses me, because why would a woman that educated stay with a guy that stupid and self-centered? Don't answer that.
I'm in the room.
[Laughter] I, uh I made too much of my special onion dip, so, uh, you ladies have at it.
I'm gonna head up, honey.
Thank you.
Wow! This is insane! - What's in this? - Uh, it's just you know, it's special herbs, uh, sour cream, and another secret ingredient I'm really not at liberty to tell you.
But I'm gonna It's Lipton onion soup.
- That's all it is.
- [Laughter] - It's the best.
- [Chuckles] - [Chuckles] Okay, good night, honey.
- Yeah, good night.
Kevin, you're a guy.
Well, thank you.
If you had to pick between a slutty servant woman or an educated governess, who would you choose to help you on a cattle drive? Ah, that age-old question.
Well, first, I would ask How long is the cattle drive? And second, what's a guy got to do to get a glass of Merlot around here, huh? [Laughter] We'll get you some right now.
[Laughs] A little bit more, a little bit more.
Oh, okay.
[Laughs] Ooh, pretty bouquet.
I like it.
[Laughs] What's so funny? I was just thinking about Steph.
When she was ragging on her husband for wearing the skinny jeans, I I was literally crying.
I was crying.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
You know, we've never really had a husband join us and then stay until the very, very end.
Anyway, thanks for letting me hang out.
No problem.
Next week, I promise I'm gonna blend in.
Next week? Uh, honey, is there something going on with the guys that I don't know about? - The guys? - Yeah.
You mean the weak links weighing me down? Hm, they hads to go.
- [Cellphone chimes] - Ooh.
"No, Nancy, you're the best.
" Smiley face, smiley face with glasses, dynamite.
[Laughter] Hey.
Where's the food, man? I got a bunch of hungry ladies out there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's got to sit for a minute.
Nothing worse than runny lasagna.
So, uh, there any, uh, single ladies in this club? Hey, this is about literature, okay? Can't hook up your own brother? Do you know that I'm on call at the firehouse right now? I'm doing this as a favor.
I can't.
I'm I'm I'm a newbie myself.
I've only been there a few weeks.
I'll tell you what.
I'll float your name out there and see how it washes out.
All right? - I'm gonna start them with this.
- Okay.
Here you go, ladies.
I thought everybody would enjoy a little cru-dite.
That's just a fancy way of saying "raw vegetables.
" It's "crudité.
" Ohh! French language police are here.
Take me away.
I'm kidding.
You're my Yoda, Gina.
You know you are.
I think someone's looking for you.
What are you doing, man? What do you want? Nothing.
Just, uh, you know the one in the chair over there is kind of cute.
She just gave me the eye.
That's 'cause she hasn't seen a handlebar mustache since 1974.
Sorry about that.
No, it's okay, but we should probably start talking about the book now.
Oh, before we do, I just want to thank you ladies for embracing me.
I know being here is not a right.
It's a privilege.
And I know that everybody's got to step up their No, you don't have to step up, honey.
You just sit there and, um Just sit there.
No, I think what I bring And I think what you ladies have latched onto Is a male perspective, right? And I'm not saying "The Honeybee and the Looking Glass" isn't a great book.
But what do you say we throw a "curveball" and ignite this party with "The Drew Ott Story"? "This shortstop played more minor league baseball games" than anyone in history, but on the day he finally gets called up to the big leagues, "tragedy strikes him out.
" I'm not sure that's something we'd want to read.
Danielle, we all know you have a problem with commitment.
Don't miss the boat on this one, like you did with Tyler.
Somebody had to say it.
Y'all we're thinking it.
Y'all we're thinking it.
Honey, I feel like now would be a great time to get those broccoli pinwheels started.
- Honey, I'm in the middle - No, that's okay.
I'll help you.
Okay, fine.
Look, I know you think it's a book about baseball, but it's not.
It's about life.
Honey, you're out of the club.
What? I'm sorry.
You gots to go.
But everybody loves me.
Well, everybody loved it when you came the first night, but See, babe, you're like triple-chocolate cake.
You know, it's great the first time, but you can't eat it every night.
That's not a good analogy for me.
Sweetheart it's a girls club, you know? And I know that something happened with your friends, but you got work that out, because book club is my time.
I see it.
You're jealous 'cause I'm fitting in too well.
I'm I'm stealing your thunder.
- All right, I got it.
- No, I I'm not the only one that feels this way.
So, you're saying your friends want me out of the group? Yeah.
Wow, this is sad.
This is so, so sad.
Sad? Allow me to show you a text, would you? Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- Here we go.
Ready? - Okay.
Me "See you Tuesday night, Lisa.
" Her response "Sounds good, Kev.
" - "Sounds good, Kev.
" - Mm-hmm.
Well, this is from Nancy.
"If we have book club at my house, do you think Kevin will show up?" Okay, see, it's all how you're reading it, 'cause I see it as, [Excitedly] "Do you think Kevin will show up?" Uh-huh.
All right.
Well, this one It's not even a text.
It's just a picture of you with the word "out" underneath.
She took my head and put it on the body of a manatee.
I'm sorry, honey.
I guess that's it.
[Sighing] Yeah.
So, you think I should finish out the night or? Uh no.
Ladies, it's been brought to my attention that I may not be your cup of tea.
Some of you consider me even a little pushy, with the body of a manatee.
So, I guess this is goodbye.
Annie, I told you things I've never told another human being.
Cake balls are in the freezer, and the Merlot should probably breathe for a few minutes before serving.
But what do I know? [Chuckles] No one's gonna stop you, hon.
Yes! All we do is play Cornhole.
Aren't you guys about Cornholed out? - What about stickball? - Stickball? What are we 12-year-olds in the Great Depression? Stop looking at him.
Dad, just go talk to them.
Talk to who? The three old dudes playing with beanbags pretending not to notice you for the last two hours.
They need to apologize to me, all right? All I was doing was trying to make our lives better.
Yeah, that worked.
He just looked at us.
Well, let's just talk to him.
No, no, no.
If we blink first, he wins.
All right, somebody ordered a large pepperoni and never picked it up, and according to your rule, you guys get first crack at it.
I'm grabbing a slice.
Stay strong.
This is stupid, all right? We can call a truce at least until we finish the pizza.
Go ahead.
You can have that one.
I know how much you like the burnt crust.
Did you remember that about me, or was it in my file? It's in here and it's in here.
Classy move, kid.
Thanks, Enzo.
You know I got to make you pay for that large pepperoni, right? Yeah, I know.
[Clears throat] I mean now.
I'm counting out the drawer.
Hey, Dad.
Whatcha doing? Watching a movie.
You want to watch? Yeah.
[Chuckles] How are you, kiddo? I'm okay.
But I missed you, you know? Sometimes I miss Mom.
But today Today's a Dad day.
[Chuckles] So sweet.
How was school? It was good.
Actually, might get a call from the vice principal with a very one-sided story about a small food fight that I was accused of starting.
He already called.
You're grounded for a week.
Well, I guess there's no reason to do this anymore.
No, probably not.
[Inhales sharply] You know, uh, Mr.
Gable, I was thinking about your offer to watch TV with you the other day.
And, uh, you're right.
There's really no reason that we can't get to know each other.
Yeah, I worked things out with my buddies.
You're out.
Fair enough.