King of the Hill Episode Scripts

Texas City Twister

- Morning, hon.
- Morning, Uncle Hank.
I called you "hon," and I'm naked.
I'm sorry, Uncle Hank.
What are you touching? Those are my personal undergarments.
No.
Some of them are mine.
Will you look at what your niece has done? She's got my drawers spinning around with her unmentionables.
Scandalous.
Where's my coffee? Laundry.
Hot out of the dryer.
6:00 a.
m.
, and already the boy ain't right.
Hello, is there a Luanne Platter living here? Who wants to know? Shiney Pines Trailer Park.
Miss Platter owes six months' back rent.
You must have that wrong, mister.
Luanne doesn't have any trailer.
That's why she lives here.
So she does live here.
Don't play mind checkers with me, man.
I'm not in the mood.
We're both reasonable people.
You said it, friend.
My records show a trailer at the corner of Shady Oak Lane and Unpaved Access Drive.
"Luanne Platter, resident.
" That can't be right.
Luanne used to live in a trailer.
But her parents fought, the trailer tipped over her mama went to jail, and the cops hauled it off.
If you're calling me a liar, you better be holding something stronger than an umbrella.
Nine iron? Y'all have a nice day.
They asked me to substitute for a German class.
I said nein, which I thought meant "yes.
" But apparently, nein means "no.
" So, I blew a big opportunity.
Luanne.
Why are you living here? Because I have nowhere else to go? A man came by from Shiney Pines Trailer Park today.
He says you still got a trailer there.
No, I don't.
It tipped over.
- But it's still there.
- No, it tipped over.
Let me try to explain.
I have a beer can.
I tip it over.
Now, is it still there? I can't live in a beer can.
I can live in a trailer.
But I don't have a trailer, because it tipped over.
That trailer cannot be livable.
It's full of broken dishes, and broken dreams.
So? We'll clean it.
If they had a sponge that cleaned up broken dreams Woolworth's would still be in business.
Hey, Hank.
What're you gonna winch? Luanne's daddy's trailer.
I'm gonna untip it, and set it right.
You know how the Egyptians untipped the pyramids, don't you? With a winch, a cinder block, and 50,000 Hebrew slaves.
You got a cinder block? I could get you an army tank from the base.
There's nothing better for pushing, except for maybe a bulldozer but of course they lock those up.
I got a truck and a winch.
You wanna stand around talking, or you wanna tip that trailer? Nancy, I'm helping Hank winch a trailer.
I'll see you for dinner! Sorry, sug', I get to anchor Eyewitness Weather tonight.
There's high winds blowing, might be a tornado.
This could be the disaster I've been waiting for.
Keep your fingers crossed.
What about my supper? I left a carton of cigarettes on the table.
I think I'll keep her.
You know, fellas trailer parks are some of your largest consumers of propane.
Right behind school buses, and crematoriums.
Pretty.
Look at all those pretty trailers.
That's a dang ol', good ol' deal.
$100 a month, you get them hookups you get them ol' dang tube top jiggling around everywhere.
It's nothing but dang ol' trash.
Okay, Boomhauer, crank up the winch.
You got it! All right.
Let's do it.
Keep going! Use the momentum! All right, way to go! Do you think Alex Trebek is sexy, Aunt Peg? Get out of my mind.
Hey there, Luanne, Peg Leg.
What have you been doing all day? This and that.
Here's a thought.
Wouldn't you like to have your own room? Sure I would.
I'd also like a date with Alex Trebek but I don't see what good it'd do, since I don't even have my own room.
If that trailer wasn't tipped over, you'd have more than just your own room.
What are you driving at? The trailer's not tipped over anymore.
The guys and I took care of it.
You could move in there tomorrow, if you want.
- Why are you doing this to me? - You're welcome.
Hank Hill, how could you? You are practically pushing her out the door.
Sometimes you got to stop vomiting in the baby bird's mouth and kick her out of the nest.
That's a very clever analogy, but you know from our own sidewalk we are constantly raking up those little dried-up bird babies.
Luanne is just not ready.
Pumpkin, are you all right? I'm sorry I lost it, Aunt Peg.
But I thought I never had to go back to that trailer.
You don't have to, Luanne.
Not until you are good and ready.
Did you know I was the first in my family to go to beauty college? No, I did not know that.
I'm not stopping there.
I have dreams, Aunt Peg.
I want to do hair and makeup for TV.
I know I'd be good.
I could be the first one to hide those bags under Michael Douglas' eyes.
Those are big ol' dreams.
I'm shooting for a star.
And you know what? I'll be okay at Shiney Pines.
'Cause you can see the same stars over that trailer you can see right here.
Well, at night.
Okey-dokey.
You're all packed up now.
Guess you had better start your goodbyes.
We want to get on the road before Dr.
Demento starts stinking up the airwaves.
Goodbye, Ladybird.
You look so sad.
Show me that smile now.
Come on.
That's my girl.
Goodbye, Luanne.
I just wanted you to know that I never read your diary even though you secretly suspected I did, on June 18, 1995.
- I was wrong to doubt you.
- That's okay.
Oh, Uncle Hank.
I just wanted to tell you, you've been like a father to me.
I just wanted to tell you that Here, let me give you my card.
Hold onto that.
That'll get you a 10 percent discount on all your propane needs.
Lucky me.
Luanne, honey.
Why don't you go out and wait in the car? What? That card is just like cash.
Did you even notice that Luanne was crying when she left here? When isn't she crying? She cries at weddings, she cries at funerals.
There's no rhyme or reason to it.
I spent six hours tipping up her trailer yesterday.
My back hurts.
You don't see me crying.
No, I don't.
But I wish I did.
I mean, come on, honey.
A member of your family is saying goodbye.
Luanne is not family, she's company.
If she was family, I wouldn't have to double-knot the belt on my bathrobe just to get a midnight snack.
That is your problem.
Luanne loves you, and you have no emotions for her at all? I've got plenty of emotions.
I was afraid she was gonna hug me.
I was worried that she wouldn't leave, and I was happy when it was over.
I don't know how anyone is supposed to know what you're feeling sitting there like a block of wood.
That is what you are sometimes, a blockhead.
A blockhead? Now, that's hitting below the belt.
I am sorry.
But sometimes you make me wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
Really? Well, speaking of hell if I wasn't so in control of my emotions I might be inclined to say that's the sort of place you should consider making a visit towards.
Son, I'm very sorry you had to hear that.
I just lost my grip and I spoke in a way that a man should never ever speak to his wife.
I can't hear the TV.
The National Weather Service has issued a tornado watch for the tri-county area.
This is not a test.
Channel 84 doesn't play those kind of games.
Residents should be on the lookout for a tornado especially if you live in a trailer park, because, as we all know, Jim trailer parks can be hell in a tornado.
Isn't that funny, Dad? 'Cause you sort of told Mom to go to hell, right? Then they say on TV that, in a twister, a trailer park is hell.
And that's where Mom's going.
There's no reason to panic.
My telling your mother to go to hell will not be the last words the two of us exchange.
You and I'll just drive to the trailer park, pick up Peggy and Luanne and return without incident.
Now, just in case I am incapacitated for some reason do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line? No.
There's really no wrong way to do it.
I wish I could hang around with you ordinary-citizen types but my county needs me.
I take on certain powers when I put on this uniform.
Not unlike your Marvel superheroes.
You know, Stretch Armstrong, Spider-Man, whatnot.
Your Batcave's open, there.
I don't mind you guys making fun of me on a daily basis.
But when I have this uniform on, I'd appreciate a little respect.
I'm sorry, you're right.
Of all the army barbers I know, you're the bravest.
Set your mousse on stun, there.
You better hang onto that camcorder real good 'cause I'm driving right up next to that twister.
Hard Copy's paying $500 for a flying-cow video.
You wanna get a flying cow, ol' man you gonna load up them dynamite in a cannon like that.
Boom, man! Cow flying all over the place.
This is no time for jokes.
This tornado's already classified at Level 2 on the Fujisaki scale.
A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door.
Two barn doors, if one of them's open.
What would a Level 3 do, Mr.
Gribble? Level 3 will send an egg through a brick wall.
Tornado chasers call it Humpty's Revenge.
Tornado time is like the End of Days.
The soft shall be blasted through the hard.
Chaos will descend upon the well organized.
The strongest of men will become like a woman of average strength.
That's enough, there.
Now, let's go.
Just a minute, Dad.
I forgot something important.
Nancy Hicks-Gribble here, for "Tornado Watch '97" brought to you by Mega Lo Mart.
Mention that your home was destroyed, and get a free five-pound bag of onions.
A series of tornadoes has touched down in Arlen County.
As of this time, we have no reports of injuries or of injury footage.
If you know someone who has been injured or is likely to be injured please call this station.
So many bad memories.
There's the fork Mama stabbed Daddy with.
The empty bottles from that awful night.
Those mango-colored palazzo pants that made my butt look big.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
There was a lot of fighting going on when we lived here.
I guess I have that effect on people.
No.
Do not be silly.
The fight Hank and I had today was about him, not you.
I am so mad at him and his precious self-control.
"I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what.
" What kind of marriage proposal is that? Wheezie's nightclub was in the path of gale-force winds.
It leveled the club.
The strippers are fine.
But a customer had his lap broken by one of the dancers.
Nothing to worry about.
That trailer park is at least three strip clubs away from Wheezie's.
What? It's that dang fuel filter again.
There's no gas station for miles.
Go to the Mega Lo Mart.
They've got everything and a whole lot more.
So, just maybe they'll have fruit pies.
Come on.
Hurry up.
All right, twister, it's just you and me now.
Ten years ago, you took my shed.
Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on.
Please.
Let me go! Dang old Excuse me.
Come on, Bobby.
Twelve fuel filters for $60? But I only need one.
Damn.
One fuel filter.
I'm sorry, hon, but those have to be purchased in packets of 12.
12 fuel filters.
Sorry, sweetheart, I can't sell you a package that is opened.
I opened it.
I'm the one who opened it.
I'm sorry, baby, but I can't.
For insurance reasons.
What insurance reasons? What could possibly happen with an open package of fuel filters? Fuel filters? Honey, quick.
That jackass is buying all the fuel filters.
What? Leave some for us, jackass.
I need a fuel filter.
What are they for? That man's buying them by the dozen.
Somebody stop him! Come on.
Let's go.
Move that truck.
My wife is stuck at Shiney Pines.
I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.
My wife is in danger, damn it.
Now make something happen.
Security! Thank God.
Make this idiot let me pass.
Just how would I do that? With my blow dryer or my scissor comb? - Come on now.
- No, I'm sorry.
I must have a bad case of barber's ear.
I can't hear a word you say until you address me as Sgt.
Dauterive.
- Bill, please.
- I can't hear you! All right, Sgt.
Dauterive.
I don't know if I like your tone, Private.
What did I do to deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to hell.
Nancy Gribble here, for "Death Watch '97.
" A Level 5 tornado is headed right for Shiney Pines Trailer Park.
Shiney Pines residents, we urge you to remain calm.
If there are any personal issues that you've been waiting to resolve or if you've never experienced the miracle of lovemaking now might be the time.
Peggy, Luanne, where are you? Look, Dad, flamingos.
The twister's coming.
Run for the 'fraidy hole! Take my son! Peggy! Peggy, are you in here? Hank, over here! Peggy! This is the moment I've been waiting for.
Look out! Hurry! Hang on, Uncle Hank! What on earth are you doing here? I came to find you! I don't know how long I can hold on! I'd better say this now! I feel terrible about what I said to you! I don't want you to go to hell! I just I mean I'm not good at this kind of thing! Go on.
You're doing fine, sweetheart.
Go on.
You're doing fine, sweetheart.
Don't edit yourself.
Just whatever comes, just let it come! You're my best girl! You mean everything to me! When we were apart today, that was hell! I couldn't wake up in the morning without your beautiful face beside me! I love you and Bobby and Luanne to a lesser extent! Hang on! Hurry, it's the eye of the storm.
Come to the shelter! Run! Is Luanne still alive? Tell her to cover her eyes.
They're covered.
Just run, you jackass! Don't tell me that old lady's in there, too.
Don't mind me.
I've seen a barrel of pickles in my day.
All right, I'm coming.
You don't have a trailer anymore.
It's tipped over.
Guess you'll be staying with us from now on.
Thanks, Uncle Hank.
You know what I'll never forget, was when Uncle Hank was naked.
That never happened.
But the wind blew all his clothes off.
- Not my underwear.
- Yes, it did.
Not my underwear.
Not his underwear.
I can't hear you!