King of the Hill Episode Scripts

Jumpin' Crack Bass (It's a Gas, Gas, Gas)

I'm cold.
Why don't we just buy the worms at a bait shop? Bait shop worms are factory-farm worms.
They keep them in little cages their whole lives.
They never get to run around free.
It's sad, really.
And the fish know the difference.
Why don't you just buy the fish? You're missing the point.
We don't fish for the fish.
Ninety percent of what I like about this sport, and it is a sport is sitting in the boat for five hours doing nothing.
And the icing on the cake is when God smiles on you and you hook one.
And then when you're reeling it in, everything else falls away.
You don't think about taxes or traffic or that pushy gal that's trying to get into the Citadel or who's going to take care of you when your mother and I are old and incapacitated.
All there is is a man, a rod, a lake, and a fish.
And it all starts with a hand-dug American worm.
Dad, who is gonna take care of me? What the hell? Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
Hey! Get out of there! Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
Hey! Get out of there! Let me go, man! You ain't going nowhere.
I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.
- You can't do that.
- The hell I can't! - The hell he can't! - Language, Bobby.
As an American citizen, I have the authority to detain you until an officer of the peace arrives.
I also have the authority to kick your ass which is something that your father obviously forgot to do.
Billy Ray Walters, you've entered a plea of guilty.
Have your rights been explained to you? Rights? This had better not be one of them Carter-appointee judges.
No, that's Judge Rowland McFarland.
He was in the paper for his creative sentencing.
Oh, great! Before I sentence you I want to express the court's appreciation to Mr.
Hank Hill Quiet, Peggy.
Who apprehended you at great risk to his own person.
Hank's lucky he didn't get killed.
I hope they lock that thief up and throw away the key.
That thief is my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend? - Okay, Hot-wire.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You like trucks so much? For the next 3 months, I sentence you to live in a truck.
What the In prison, they'll just teach you how to be a better truck thief.
So you're gonna spend the next 90 days in the cab of a pickup.
An import.
Finally, a judge with some common sense.
- Hill? - Yeah, Hank Hill.
You were holding my truck for evidence.
Here's a picture of her, if it'll help.
Yes, here it is: Space G-26.
What the Oh, my God! - What did you do to my truck? - Let's see.
The thief was inside your vehicle.
So under the law, we checked it for drugs.
He was in my front seat.
He didn't hide any drugs in my spark plugs.
We know that now.
If I don't get out on the lake my head is gonna pop a gasket.
Honey, please, calm down.
If you have a stroke, who will help me take care of Bobby? Uncle Hank, I got the '92 Ford truck schematic and I've lined up all the parts.
Dad, what are you looking for? Are you looking for chicken? - It's right here.
Chicken.
- I'm looking for my dang fishing shears.
Relax.
Here.
Nancy gave me some ginseng tea.
She got it from John Redcorn Ginseng? I don't need to get all hopped up on dope.
I get stressed out at the beauty school sometimes with all the combing and politics, and I just do yoga.
I can put my feet up behind my head.
Want me to show you? No! Keep your legs below your waist, for God's sakes! Look, all I need to do is get out on the lake, and fish.
Listen to that silence.
- You ever hear anything so quiet? - Hey, Boomhauer! Trade you one of my garlic-scented lures for one of your electric ones.
Why don't you guys call that stuff Cheater bait.
You and your worms are fishing in the past.
In the days of black-and-white televisions, and a democratically elected Congress.
Got one, man! It's a big ol' Man, look at them big ol' teeth on him! Acts like a big ol' taco grande, man, with them dang ol' Dang, Boomhauer! She's a beauty.
Say, "Cheese to meet you.
" Okay, catch and release.
Time to throw her back.
All right, fella, there you go.
Tell your friends: "Plenty more where that came from.
" Oh, yeah.
Check it out.
"Hank calls it cheater bait.
"But I call it scrumdiligarlicicious.
" Ingrate.
Hank, maybe you should be taking the pictures.
Give you something to do.
You guys may be catching fish but I'm the only one fishing God's way, with a worm.
You know what I just realized? Hank hasn't caught a fish.
- You looking to go for a swim, Bill? - No.
You know what else I just realized? This is the first time any of us has caught more fish than Hank.
Come on, Bill.
Don't rub his nose in it.
Wingo, man! I am the greatest.
So, we're all meeting at the pharmacy to get aloe vera for Bill's back.
Maybe I'll meet you guys later.
I'm going down to the bait shop to buy some new hooks.
Dang, Ray! What happened? Did I miss one of your "Ray's Gone Trout of His Mind" sales? I'm going trout of business.
I can't compete with the Mega Lo Mart.
I hate Mega Lo Mart.
People go there just to save a nickel end up putting half of Arlen out of business.
Anyway, what brings you in? New rod, new reel, what? Actually, I was thinking of trying one of them scented lures.
Maybe vanilla.
You've given up the worm? She let me down.
I reeled in empty today.
How about some fluorescent salmon eggs or marshmallow bait, or some blood-dough balls? I tried those before.
They don't beat the worm.
Hey, I know.
You ever hear of a guy named Jack? I went to high school with a fella named This guy never went to school.
He grew up in the hills.
But he wrote the book on homemade bait.
Course, it's just a bunch of scribbles, 'cause he never went to school.
- Where's his shop? - He don't have a shop.
He sells his stuff out of his truck at the corner of 6th and Woodmont.
Well, thanks.
I'll come by tomorrow and pick up your propane tank.
Why don't you call first? Hey, G! Whaddaya want, whaddaya need? Looking to buy? G I am looking to buy.
- Are you Jack? - I got your jack right here, Jack.
As I was telling Ray, Jack I've been thinking about trying something new.
Whatcha need? I've always been a worm man but Ray was telling me about your bait Bait? You call it "bait.
" I like that.
What you looking to spend? Well, I got $20.
$20 will get you all the bait you need.
Rock on! Freshness jars.
Sure don't get that at Mega Lo Mart.
Come on, Hank, fish or get off the pot.
Just a second.
How the heck does Jack fish with this stuff? I like beer, Hank.
Don't you like beer? I love beer.
- Beer is - Got one! Yeah! Sweet Gene Vincent! I'm back! Dang, man! That's quick.
You done hooked.
Hank's the man.
Man, you're the fishing magician, man.
All right there, Red Head.
Back you go.
Looks like they're hungry for worms today.
Pass me one, will you, Hank? What's the matter? Batteries go dead on your electric spinner? Whoa, Hank! What you got there? Blood-dough balls? Dale, Hank only fishes with worms.
Why, anything else would be cheating.
Well, well, well.
Looks like our friend is a "hippiecrit.
" Hold on there.
This is natural bait.
Homemade in the USA.
Hank, you can offer all the denials and rationalizations you want but the bottom line is still the same.
- We want to try that bait.
- Yeah, man.
All right.
Ease off.
A little chunk will do you.
Now that is the dangdest thing! This is the same fish I just threw back.
Come on, darling.
Time to get wet.
Come on now.
Off my hook.
Go on now, get.
VĂ¡monos.
Oh, man! Now I have to reapply my sunscreen.
I tell you what, I caught more fish today than I did in the '80s.
And those were the Reagan years.
Somebody call Ripley.
'Cause he's the only one who'll believe how many fish I caught this morning.
Is that where you've been? - Oh, good Lord! The sun just came up.
- No, it didn't.
It rose at 4:57 a.
M exactly one hour after I landed two 10-pound bucket mouths on a single hook.
I tell you, it's like they were fighting over that piece of Jack's miracle bait.
What are you buying bait for, Dad? Remember, you said it all starts with a hand-dug American worm? No.
I mean, yes, that's how it starts.
But a lot of things end up different from where they start.
Like, remember that time I started building you a clubhouse and I ended up with a new tool shed? So, Luanne, how's my truck? Bad news, Uncle Hank.
I had to order a new fuel pump.
I figured it was urgent, so I asked them to UPS it.
Good thing I just got back from fishing, or that would bother me.
It's kind of starting to bother me.
Yep, I'm bothered.
I had better get on the lake.
I'll tell you, I can't wait to try some more of your new bait.
My bait? I wish I could help you, but I only have a little bit left.
That's all right.
It only takes a little bit to catch the hogs with that stuff.
Yeah, it's too bad I'm all out.
You just said you had a little left.
- That's right, and then I used it up.
- Don't lie to us, friend.
'Cause when you lie, you make an ass out of you and me.
Yeah, don't be bogarting that dang ol' bait.
Anyway, I just remembered I promised Bobby I'd take him fishing just the two of us.
See you.
I'd take a stick of that gum.
I'm tired.
When's the part where we get to sit around for five hours doing nothing? That's a good one, son.
Wake up, Hank.
We're being burgled.
You go check on Bobby.
I'll go see what's going on.
We'll just see how much of that bait he has left.
You! Drop that tackle box! It's okay.
It's me, Dale Gribble.
I said drop the box! My termite inspection is concluded.
Congratulations, you passed! Can I have some more butter for my pancakes? That's it! I'm going fishing.
Come on, take the bait.
You know you want it.
Where are you going? This ain't a worm.
This is the good stuff.
Oh, man, the wonder bait! For me? - Wait a minute.
What's wrong with it? - It doesn't work anymore.
The fish won't touch the stuff.
- They spit it out like poison.
I don't get it.
- I get it.
Take it from a graduate of the Exterminators Academy at Humble.
You've introduced a new element into their ecosystem.
They've gotten wise to it.
You need something stronger.
Cockroach 101.
Now, don't get me wrong, Jack.
I'm not criticizing your product, or by extension, you.
Yeah, I get it, Jack.
- What you need is something stronger.
- Exactly.
You understand.
What am I saying? Of course you understand.
You're a fisherman.
- I'll have what he's having.
- Dale? What are you doing here? I followed you.
Every twist and every turn.
By the way, I'm gonna need to follow you home.
Freeze! Hands where I can see them! This is all my fault.
I got you started on that ginseng tea and with your addictive personality, of course that led to I swear, Peggy, I thought I was buying fishing bait.
Don't lie to me, Hank.
I am not stupid.
I am a substitute teacher, not one of your drug-smoking friends.
Mr.
Hill, this bass-fishing defense isn't going to cut it.
- Were you abused as a child? - What? No! Are you sure? Juries eat that up.
Maybe I ought to tie that long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass, and kick you down the street.
I told you I am not a doper.
Come on, Mr.
Hill.
We all use drugs.
Even the President.
Not my President.
I voted for Dole.
The only thing he's on is pain killers, and he earned it.
Next case.
Misters Gribble and Hill.
Nice to see you again, Mr.
Hill.
I assume you are the arresting citizen.
No.
It's the funniest kind of mix-up, Your Honor Just one moment.
Mr.
Gribble, remove your hat in my courtroom.
I do not recognize the authority of a court that hangs the gold-fringed flag.
A flag with gilded edges is the flag of an Admiralty court.
An Admiralty court signifies a Naval court-martial.
I cannot be court-martialed twice.
That is all.
- Furthermore - Bailiff, gag him.
This must be a typo.
Mr.
Hill, you're the last person I expected to be a drug user.
Objection, Your Honor.
My dad doesn't use drugs.
The only thing he needs to be happy is fishing.
Sustained.
That's right, Judge.
The strongest thing I use is BC Headache Powder, I tell you what.
I may have accidentally purchased, once or twice some illegal substances, but I was using them quite successfully I might add, as fish bait.
Fish bait? - Guilty.
- I told you.
I told him, Your Honor.
That's enough out of you.
You're fired.
Judge, I'm not lying to you here.
I'm no criminal.
I'm just a fisherman.
I don't like your story but you've got the haircut of an honest man.
I'm willing to give you a chance to prove you're not a liar.
- You say you were using the stuff as bait? - Yes, sir.
I'm a bit of an angler myself.
Tomorrow, you, me, and your bald buddy there are gonna go out to the lake.
You'll show me how to catch a wide-mouthed bass with a rock of crack.
Well, hold on a second.
You see, the fish won't take the bait anymore.
- The ecosystem is changed and - I've made my ruling.
Either you reel one in tomorrow, or the two of you are gonna spend the next 24 months making Texas State license plates.
Fidelity Mutual Insurance v.
Layaway Ray's bait shop.
It's been six hours.
You ready to admit your crime and do your time? No, sir, Your Honor.
I'm making progress here.
I can feel it.
Wingo, man! I think I got one.
Hold on to her, Dale.
Don't let her go.
- Thank you, Lord.
- Well, I'll be! Looks like you boys were telling the truth after all.
- Gribble, this fish is frozen.
- I caught it.
That's my position.
You obviously bought this at a grocery store.
You try something like that again, I'll double your sentence.
Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat why the hell did you buy a frozen bass? I had a coupon.
All right.
Five more minutes and that's it.
I got to be at a lethal injection by midnight.
Get your butt off the cooler, Duke.
His Honor wants a pudding.
Hank, don't do it.
We've already tried to cheat.
He'll double our sentence.
I'm not cheating now, Dale.
Using cheater bait was cheating.
I got greedy.
I'm no better than that lazy greaseball who tried to steal my truck.
Let's face the facts.
We're going to prison.
And all we'll have to dream about is the last time we went fishing.
I don't know about you, but I want to remember casting off with a hand-dug American worm.
Well, time's up.
Start rowing, Duke.
Now, there's a man who loves to fish.
Almost makes me sorry to send him to the farm.
She ain't pretty, but she's a bass all right! You're free to go.
She's the most beautiful fish I ever caught, I tell you what! Hold her up, Hank.
She's a wall-hanger.
He.
That's it! I'm going fishing.