King of the Hill s02e15 Episode Script

Three Days of the Kahndo

??[mickey by toni basil playing] ? Oh, mickey, you're so fine you're so fine, you blow my mind ? ? Hey, mickey ? ? Oh, mickey, you're so fine I want to believe ? ? You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand ? ? Oh, mickey, you're so fine ? ? Won't you understand ? ? Kahn's like you, mickey ? ? And what you do, mickey, do, mickey ? ? Don't break my heart, mickey ?? ??[rock 'n' roll music playing] oh, minh, you didn't have to bring cookies.
Hearing about all of your little connie's academic achievements is all the treat that we need.
Oh, no problem .
don't want the m getting stale while we go on luxury trip to mexico.
Mexico.
Oh, hank and I used to go every time they devalued the peso.
That got old pretty quick.
We stay in beautiful mitad duplex condo with kahn's brother and family .
mmm, oh, yes, lovely.
What mitad mean, exactly, in english? First class? Deluxe? Mitad.
hmm.
That's one of those words that doesn't translate easily.
Extra-special luxury? It conveys the idea of simple, but relatively clean, living.
Ah, stupid brother ! now he back out on the tri p and we stuck with full charge for condo rent .
we can't afford that.
We just bought a c.
d.
Jukebox.
ah, Maybe cracker neighbor some use after all.
Howdy, neighbor! Well, sure, there are some pros.
It's a good deal.
And I guess there's nothin' tying us to the house now that we've got automatic sprinklers, but there's also the cons, the biggest one bein', well, kahn.
Hank, I saw the brochure.
The condo is 2 stories and very mitad.
You would barely have to see him.
If we stayed home, I wouldn't have to see him at all.
I can't think of a better vacation than that.
But it's also an opportunity to learn about another culture.
Now, the last time bobby went to mexico, he was still on the breast.
I love mexico.
They fast-track new makeup straight to the consumer.
Here, the f.
d.
a.
Tests and tests for years.
It's like they don't care how we look.
Oh, come on, hank.
I can finally replace that papier-mache pear I got when I was an exchange student in oaxaca.
Come on, dad! It's the real-life home of t.
v.
's monsignor martinez.
Well, ok.
If you all want to go, I guess it's buenos dias, mexico.
[laughing] oh, hank, I'm sorry, but you just said, "good gods, mexico.
" [laughing] I wish I could go on a luxury mexican vacation.
It must be pretty expensive to stay in one of those mitad condos.
Must cost at least $500.
Maybe you got it for $350? How much you payin'? .
I tell you what, man, about mexico, man you go down and you load u p on those dang ol' chiclets, man.
You go there wheelin' and dealin' with 'em dang ol' guys , talkin' about caminos dos mujeres.
I think it's nice that you're goin' away, hank.
You--you need a good vacation with your new best friend, kahn, who you love so much.
.
Yes, bill.
I love kahn maybe if this trip works out, .
i'll marry him and live in mexico forever is that what you want to hear? no.
[tires screeching] every time I try to pass, hillbilly woman speed up.
Don't be silly.
Peggy hill not even thinking about you.
[peggy and hank laughing] think again, hotshot.
[kahn hollering] [tires screeching] did you see that? Hey, no fair.
You're makin' a mockery of the breakdown lane! Why is there such a big fence, dad? Well, millions of people come to america in search of a better life, and we've decided we don't need that many.
Did the souphanousinphones come through the fence? No, bobby.
Kahn applied the legal way.
Sometimes the system fails us.
[laughing] hey, check out this dangerous character.
ooh! Watch out! You think he's runnin' guns? [laughing] sir, pull your vehicle over to the inspection area, please.
He was joking.
Tell him you were joking, kahn.
Let him look.
You got nothing to hide.
See you at condo.
[sighs] [crickets chirping] (jacinto) don't steal the towels.
You take, I charge.
.
This is a mini-bar you use, you pay.
Now, for the tour of the condo.
"condo.
" Wait a minute.
Where the rest of it? I pay for mitad condo, 2 floors.
This condo plenty mitad, but only one floor.
What are you trying to pull, ol' bait and switch? "mitad.
" "mitad" means "half.
" Just downstairs, not upstairs.
Me comprendes? Just downstairs? I can't spend whole weekend squished side by side with redneck neighbor.
No, no, no, don't worry about any redneck neighbor.
Nobody's rented the upstairs.
It's completely vacant.
[exclaiming] ? but where are the bathroom oh, there's only one bathroom.
But, hey, the tub is big enough for 2 people.
[screaming] I come to see mexico, not hank hill squeezing this year's butt into last year's swimsuit.
] [door creaking oh, no! You're not gettin' the upstairs, not after what you did to me back there at the border.
Ok.
You take high-class penthouse with view.
We take downstairs hovel.
.
Here's key.
Lock little sticky you got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
This is a car key.
Yeah.
You win new car.
This big game show .
Just rake it, stupid.
[grunting] well, it probably just needs a little w.
d.
-40.
Peggy, which bag has our bathroom stuff? [birds chirping] come on, kids, andale.
We're off to the papier-mache district.
We gotta sneak off on our own, bobby.
? Mom, can connie and I go play volleyball well, all right.
Just make sure to apply plenty of sunscreen, honey.
We are much closer to the sun here than in texas.
This market is way too tacky.
They are not gonna have papier-mache pears.
[chattering] oh, my god! La leche del sol.
The illegal beauty secret of the stars.
Look, bobby! Firecrackers.
[bell on door ringing] [exclaiming] bueno.
M-80s! Those are a quarter stick of dynamite.
Oh, my gosh! La bomba.
Those can blow your whole arm off.
[man speaking spanish on t.
v.
] [hollering] vaya con dios.
[grunting] ah! hey, this is a beer, not a fruit salad.
Why can't you find your own bar? .
I have same coupon book as you .
I just want a beer this is free country, isn't it? Uh, uh-oh, no.
No.
I don't want this.
No.
No.
Look, if you want to make money, play for that guy.
He's rich.
Mucho dinero.
[all speaking spanish] what? Oh, no.
No.
You think I'm a sucker? Ah, you sing for me? I sing for you.
? That's what I like about you ? ? You really know how to dance, yeah ?? How about that trash can over there? Let's blow that up.
If this were a cherry bomb , I'd say yes.
But this is la bomba.
Mmm, nah.
[engine starting] hmm.
ooh, mmm.
ooh! This is our chance to really make a statement.
] [gasps [connie grunting] ? She blinded me with science ? ? Do, do, do ? ? She blinded me with science ?? Pretty good job, kahn.
I've never heard that song with only one note before.
Yeah, it all about rhythm.
Bartender, 2 cervezas, por favor.
[bird cawing] these are all authentic, locally crafted masks.
In our culture, they have deep social and religious importance.
Mmm-hmm, yeah, that's nice .
Have you got pears? Uh, right.
You're here for the papier-mache pear.
Uh-huh.
Well, the pears are not sold separately.
[gasping] oh, it's perfect.
[grunting] oh, muchos, muchos gracias .
I'm not even going to haggle.
I have to pay for the frog, right? yes.
Of course.
It is so beautiful.
I--I really don't know how I can thank you.
Senora, I have a friend just across the border.
And I don't trust the mail.
The address is on the box.
Would you deliver it for me? .
Well, that would b e my pleasure, amigo gracias.
Oh, my! It's wrapped prettily, isn't it? I wonder what is in it.
I'll tell you what's in there.
Cocaine, black tar , p.
c.
p.
, you name it.
.
I see 20/20 special all about this .
you a mule, peggy hill [gasping] [rattling] hank? Hank hill? Is that you? Dale? What are you doin' here? I was just out for a drive.
Thought this place might have clean facilities.
Talk about a coincidence.
It's a 9-hour drive, dale.
Is it? I guess I better stay then.
[truck approaching] I think it's a dud.
Yeah.
Let's give it 15 more minutes.
Hey, you! You skinny gringo.
I don't know you.
Are you a guest? I'm stayin' with the hills in 5-b.
5-b? Upstairs? Damn turistas! You try to rip me off? It'll be the last time Somebody missed his siesta.
[crickets chirping] boy, now I know why they call it beach volleyball! Volleyball is really fun.
Bobby, come here.
Honey, do you thin k I'm naive? no.
? Am I just a fool who believes whatever I am told i'm sorry.
Why on earth did I trust that man? There could be anything in this package.
Anything.
I am so estupido.
oh.
hmm, They had to kill 10 turtles to fill 1 little jar.
Neat.
[men chattering in spanish] uh-oh.
Oh, my god! It's the police! They know I tried to blow up one of their monuments.
No, no.
They think I'm a makeup smuggler.
Get outta my way! [flushing] we all have to put on lots of makeup.
[crying] this tastes like turtles.
What in the heck is goin' on? I was never here.
Peggy hill is nobody's mule.
A pear? Come on out here, everyone.
Come on.
Get out here.
We have nothing to hide.
[dale yelling] [thudding] you will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
But, if the key fit, you must acquit-- 10,000 pesos.
Bailiff, confiscate their identification.
Look, let's just pay the money and go home.
My money not fluid.
Take weeks to raise funds.
You pay.
I owe you.
I can't cover it.
If I could just get back to arlen, I could have 'em garnish my wages.
But we can't leave the country.
They took our i.
d.
Are you kiddin'? We won't have any trouble drivin' through that checkpoint.
They'll just wave us through, pretty as you please.
Really? Well, hank and me, 'cause we're angloid.
You, they'll haul out and give the 3rd degree.
Maybe it'll be safer if we all split up.
Dale, you come with me.
Kahn, you're on your own.
Hey, hill! You can't leave me.
We americans, hank.
No lime in our beer, remember? And we sure sent those mariachis running.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ah! Help me, hank.
(connie and minh) bye-bye.
You all get goin' now.
Dale, kahn, and I'll be along after we, uh, clear up that little misunderstanding.
[engine starting] ah! I don't think this such a good idea.
Yeah? Well, here's another idea.
We go on without you.
Ok, all right, I get in.
(kahn) ? Doodle do, do, do ? ? Poetry in motion ? ? Do, do, do ?? Pothole.
[kahn yells] [laughing] now, just follow my lead and play it cool.
? What if they find kahn if I know my mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
Distilled water? [laughing] no.
and, of course, there is a total lack of toilet paper and privacy.
Oh, god! I can't go while people watch.
Then let me do the talkin'.
Morning! Where are you gentlemen from? [quavering] arlen, texas.
I've been to arlen .
Nice town.
[yelling] run! [dale yells] [grunting] [yelling] [chuckling nervously] [whimpering] [all panting] I think we lost them.
We'll be ok.
Ok? We're screwed.
No.
We're american.
We gotta find a pay phone and hope ross perot's 800 number is still workin'.
.
Why you wanna call that nut for? Border right there millions of people cross over everyday.
We can, too.
No big deal.
Illegally? No.
America is my country, and I love her.
I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
We have no choice, hank.
The i.
n.
s.
Had their cameras trained on us.
The border guards think we're smugglers.
I'm too pretty to go to jail! Uh, excuse me, uh, what did it cost you to rent those mopeds? Uh Actually, we own these, but we are lookin' to sell 'em.
Well, maybe we can help each other out.
The only thing is we're a little short on cash.
That watch belong to my grandfather.
That was my only pair of button-fly jeans.
Hey, what--what happened to our mopeds? Hey, look at me! [laughing] look at me! Somebody look at me! [both yelling] did you see? Yeah, dale, you looked really cool.
For your next trick, why don't I kick your ass? Get on the back, kahn.
Dale, you're lucky pierre.
Oh, man! [engine starting] [engine sputtering] it'd be faster if we walk.
ow! "did you see? Did you see?" [crickets chirping] uh ? Have we just been captured [sighing] [groaning] wait, hank, i--I can't swim! [sighs] of course you can't.
ah! Look at mighty river.
So much beauty.
So much power.
Humbles a man, huh, hank? [panting] you good friend, hank.
And friendship based on truth.
I broke into top condo on purpose, and I'm sorry.
What? Damn you, kahn! This whole thing is your fault.
[kahn yelling] [panting] I thought you said you couldn't swim.
Yeah.
I'm big, fat liar.
[panting] this river is filthy.
Look at this.
Underwear floatin' around.
(dale) uh, hank.
A little help here? He won't last 2 days in the u.
s.
.
America.
Texas home.
Look how easy it is to get into this country.
Oh, I can't believe I had to learn the bill of rights.
When am I gonna use that? You'd be surprised, kahn.
I take the 5th on a daily basis.
[hollering] heave.
[grunting] [both grunting] [gasping] hurry up, hank.
The border guards are comin'.
You gotta give me a hand.
Dale? Dale! Dale! Wait! I can't do it alone.
.
Gribble gone.
Take my hand [both grunting] welcome to land of opportunity, hank.
[siren wailing] [birds chirping] [slurping] yup.
mmm-hmm.
yup.
yup.
Hey, you know what's funny? This time, I on texas soil first.
Ha! He's the immigrant.
I smuggle him in.
Very funny, kahn.
hey! I live next door to alien.
My property worth nothing now.
Ha-ha.
Ah, you get in the baby way.
I had to memorize all presidents.
You couldn't do it.
That stretch between polk and buchanan wipe you out.
You ever hear of garfield? He more than a cartoon cat, you know.
He part of history of my country.
[birds chirping] (monsignor martinez) vaya con dios.