King of the Hill Episode Scripts

Traffic Jam

??[rock 'n' roll music playing] [birds chirping] oh, hank, you have got to drive me to school today.
I cannot stop grading.
[mumbling] these are not spelling tests, hank.
They are "what I did on my winter break" essays.
And I cannot waste a single grading minute here.
I am known for my one-day turnaround.
All right, but we got to hurry.
Paint 'n' paper is havin' their "8:00 a.
m.
Madness sale.
" Ok, trip to dallas: "b," trip to waco: "b," trip to new york city: "c.
" [gasps] what the hell? Arlen: "a.
" Ah! My neck is broken.
I sue you for everything you have! Aw, it's hank hill .
What's the point? I have everything you have, but better.
Kahn, on this side of the earth, we back out to the right.
Yeah, yeah, just my luck.
I run into uninsured redneck.
Not only am I insured, I happen to be a member of the perfect payment club.
[screaming] my neck is broken! (woman) did you have anything to drink this morning, Mr.
Hill? no.
Did you use a mouthwas h or cough syrup? no.
Did you eat an unusual amount of sausage? Look, am I covered or not? Yes, you're covered, minus the deductible, and, of course, your insurance rates will go up.
Why should my rates go up, miss kailiki alihi? Well, it's going to cost us money to fix your truck.
What kind of insurance is that? Why don't I just take out a loan, fix my truck, and avoid the middleman? .
You can't drive without proof of insurance e however, you can avoid the rate increas if you go to traffic school.
"singles' traffic school," "smokers' traffic school," "vegetarian traffic school.
" It's like no matter what problem you have, they have a traffic school for it.
Hey, "ice cream lovers' traffic school.
" I can help you with your homework.
No, no, I don't need any fancy frills or nonsense.
Here we go, right to the point.
"def-ensive driving school.
" Just hope they know more about drivin' than they do about spellin'.
[people murmuring] hey, what're you doing here, hank hill? Hillbilly traffic school all full up? Cut the comedy, kahn.
It was your reckless disregard of backin'-out procedure that put us here.
I wanna see yo u takin' notes.
[rapping] ? Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! ? ? Booda sack in the house! ? ? Booda sack in the house! Booda sack in the house! ?? [laughing] and I want to welcome you all to def-ensive traffic school.
That's right! Def-ensive traffic school.
I'm def, and ya'll be 'fensive.
[crowd laughing] booda sack, you crazy! Kidd mookie.
Yo, check it out! Look at all the white people we got up here in traffic school tonight.
And they say only black people break the laws! [howls] but that's not true.
Shut up.
Booda sack on a roll! Check out girlfriend! Got a booty so big, if you put numbers on it, ! she could pres s license plates check it out, booda! Hey, baby, baby, ba-ay-by! Now, after class, ! you and I got to d o a little detention you know what I'm sayin'? Know what I'm saying? What I'm sayin'? .
This has nothin' to do with defensive driving excuse me, sir, I don't mean to criticize your lesson plan, but do you have a lesson plan? What'd you say? What'd you say? ? You trying to say a black man can't put together a lesson plan well, I got a lesson plan.
I ain't plannin' on teachin' less 'n' you shut up! Well, hold on now.
I didn't mean to be-- Cracker, are you taking me serious? [hollering] gotcha! Cracker! Look, learnin' good drivin' skills is no laughin' matter.
Go, cracker! Go, cracker! (all) go, cracker! Go, cracker! Go, cracker! ? Booda sack? The booda sack I saw him on t.
v.
3 years ago .
on breakfast at the apollo he was makin' fun of white people, like how we talk funny and we don't have any butts.
He's one of the reason s I want to be a comedian.
Look, there's somethin' we haven't told you, bobby, but maybe now's the time.
You see, show business is inherently evil.
n Hank, we agreed not to have this discussio until bobby is 15 years old.
I know, but it's time for some tough love.
Bobby, comedians are show-offs.
Sure, they get beautiful women and drive fast trucks, but eventually-- They have fast trucks? You're missin' the point, son.
Comedy is not a stable career.
I'm gonna take you to that traffic class tonight so you can see the lonely, pathetic futur e comedy has to offer.
You mean it? I get to meet booda sack? What am I gonna wear? [sighs] , you know, 'cause white people would be drivin' like this all bent up over the steering wheel, goin', " "oh, dear! I think we've missed our exit.
See what I mean, bobby? It's just sad.
Yeah, white people just like that! Only one thing worse than white people drivin', and that's d.
w.
o.
, driving while oriental! Ooh! Cheap shot! ! You the man, booda sack uh-huh, you know what I'm sayin'? Bobby, he'll see you.
Hey, opie taylor, get your butt up here on stage! .
Uh-huh poppin' fresh! Now, see here, mr.
, uh, sack, that's my boy, and-- Hey, it's all good, baby.
It's all good.
I was just playin' with my man here.
Now, now, now, what's your name, young brother? Ahem, bobby hill.
Bouncin' bobby hill! Now, tell me, bobby, does your old man drink a lot of beer? Oh, yeah.
[crowd laughing] now, now, now, don't lie now, bobby.
Does he just stand around all day drinkin' beer with all his other white friends, goin' "yeah"? " No, they go, "yep.
[crowd laughing] sit down, son.
They're not laughin' with you, they're laughin' at me.
Now, little blood, tell me why you're in the house.
Did you get a ticket for rubbing your butt too hard on your banana seat? .
My dad brought me here he wanted to show me how sad and lonesome you are, underneath.
You right.
You right.
Booda sack is a sad man.
But not as sad as your daddy's sorry self with his 4 eyes, 2-minute pies, super-size, cracker-jack prize.
Somebody help me, come on! And he likes french fries.
[crowd roaring] ladies and gentlemen, this kid is goin' to be the white rerun.
[groans] the white rerun.
We got him right here! Hey, hank, how's driver's ed? [bill laughs] I only ask 'cause I'm concerned.
[sighs] I still have one more clas s 'til I'm through.
Everyone knows you back out to the right.
.
Yeah.
Don't take a brain surgeon common knowledge.
13 years, dave hanson lived in that house.
Never once did he back into me.
.
Yeah, of course, he was a 500-pound shut-in mmm-hmm, shame he had to move.
They replaced that wal l pretty nice, though.
(bill) that looks all right.
Matched the paint and everythin'.
Yo, yo, yo! Bobby hill is in the house, uh-huh! What the-- Would you look at all the white people .
standing around.
Ain't got no butts y'all the no-butt-havinges t people, uh-huh.
(bill) no butts! You know, white people always be walkin' around like this.
Like they be crushin' diamonds in there or somethin'.
Look at me, I'm white.
[laughing] y'all, peace up, I'm audi.
??[rap music playing] ooh, white people do walk like that, really, especially in the army.
Man, that stuff about no butt! Man! I tell you what, you know why it's funny? 'cause it's dang old true.
Look, I appreciate you guys humorin' bobby, but what the boy needs right now is to be demoralized into givin' this up.
I thought he was funny, hank.
"look at me, i'm white!" [laughing] bill, leave the comedy to the professionals.
Yes, sir.
??[country music playing] booda sack, I'm bobby hill.
I was in your class the other night, and I saw you on breakfast at the apollo.
You saw that? Yeah, I did some t.
v.
A few years back.
.
Did the l.
a.
Thing sit down.
Have a bottle of ketchup.
[laughing] ketchup.
So, how come you're in arlen? I mean, you're really good.
I got a little risque on moesha a couple of years ago, and it's been hard for me ever since.
Anyway, t.
v.
's not where it's at, bobby.
It's just givin' peopl e the same old stereotypes, playin' the same old stories.
I didn't want to do that.
What I want to do is make people laugh and think.
You know what I'm sayin'? That's why you teach traffic school.
Yeah.
That's why I teach traffic school.
Hey, I've been workin' on some new stuff.
Check it out.
"white people think "the hood is something on their sweatshirt.
" And, um "how come the cops always be pullin' me over? What's up with that?" bobby, let me give you .
a little piece of constructive criticism you're not black.
Oh, ok.
I mean, you got to be real, bobby.
You know what I'm sayin'? Not really.
.
You're a white man get in touch with your white roots.
Think of the stuff that's funny from your point of view.
Well My dad's got a narrow urethra.
Ha, ha! Now, that's funny! But my dad says comedy isn't a real job.
Comedy ain't about listenin' to your dad.
You think shucky-ducky got the way he was by listenin' to his daddy? Listen, I got adult comedy jam sunday nights.
As soon as you get real, come on down.
Thanks, booda sack.
Dad, booda sack says I'm funny and I could go up on his amateur night.
Son, let me pu t this in terms .
you can understand I am not down with that.
What I mean is "no.
" Booda sack says I shouldn't listen to you.
He says good comedians are rebels, and they never listen to their dads.
What? Now that guy is tryin' to turn my own kid against me? You have no manners.
It's obvious that your mother did not raise you right.
Uh-oh.
What's that? You talkin' about my mother? Let me tell you about your mother.
Your mother is so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
What? That's right.
I say your mama is so fat, ! that she freebases ham first of all, my mother is not overweight.
She weighs 120 pounds, which is perfectly normal for a woman her age.
I said your mama's so fat, when she walks around in high heels, she strikes oil! I don't think you've ever even met my mother.
If you want to pick on someone, at least have the courage to pick on me.
Uh-huh, uh Your urethra is so narrow sperm be going through there single file.
Hut, 2, 3, 4! Sperm, 2, 3, 4! Ok, ok, that's it, potty-mouth.
I've had enough.
This is supposed to be a classroom.
I'm leavin'.
Oh, you leave my class, and I'm gonna flunk you! .
Yeah, we'll see about that mom, you got a minute? Of course, bobby.
Anything for you, honey.
Now, what is it? I'm tryin' to find my roots.
You know, what I'm all about.
Oh, honey, your roots are very rich.
Your grandfather and his father and his father's father were all married and bought houses and had jobs and had children.
But did they do anything funny? Bobby, honey, it sounds like you've never heard of a butter churn with a mind of its own.
Oh, and your great aunt charlotte, we used to call her mrs.
Magoo, because she couldn't see well.
Oh, and she drank.
[timer dings] and the butter churn had a mind of its own.
[birds chirping] dang! .
It's kind of funny in an old person's way you're so lucky, connie.
You're ethnic.
Joseph and I are just nothin'.
We're just white and boring.
Yeah.
(hank) then he said my mother was so big, her stretch marks had names.
Well, has he ever seen your mother? no.
Is she overweight? Not by half.
Well, then that's not funny.
I never did get that booda sack.
Tell Mr.
Sack i'd like to see him.
And another thing, these videotapes he's showin' are too mild.
I'd like to recommend a movie I saw in high school .
called red asphalt .
showed a fellow's brains being scraped off the road .
now, that kept me straight I like the way you think, Mr.
Hill.
What's up, boom-boom? I told you not to call me that.
Now, Mr.
Hill here has a complaint.
Hey, it ain't my fault he don't got a butt.
Tell him to take it up with god.
Now, booda, we've talked about this before.
You can't say those types of things in class.
You're offending peopl e like Mr.
Hill here.
Well, I got somethin' called freedom of speech.
Ever heard of the first amendment? Thomas jefferson is turning over in his grave right now and the slave lady's on top.
Now, see here, thomas jefferson was a founding father.
He designed and built his own house.
Now, calm down, you two.
Sack, go put the fancy candles on the tables.
I'll deal with you later.
Tell you what, Mr.
Hill, he won't teach here again.
Now, I'm not supposed to do this, but why don't I transfer you to our chocoholics class for the last segment, huh? How about that? If we get on the internet, maybe we could find out .
something funny about white people yeah! Now, we could enter in keywords, and then find material for your act.
This is a great idea.
What words should we use? "white.
" "roots.
" "funny.
" wow! ??[dixieland playing] you guys busy? We can tak e a break.
'cause if anybody's goin' downtown, I need a ride to the comedy club .
to try out my new material that's funny.
Hey, you all comin'? No, man, you count me out of that.
Dang old cocktail waitresses.
Two of them, man.
I found out they were roommates, man.
That dang old double boink, man.
What did you do to booda sack, hank? He was fired.
Now we got to sit through prop comic.
I covered in watermelon.
I feel bad about that, but the man brought it on himself with his own locker-room mouth.
Boomhauer, where'd everybody go? Hey, man, I tell you what, man.
They took that dang old truck.
Dang old muffler fallin' off, it ain't got no brakes, man.
Sparks flyin'.
Like I told him, fix that dang old thing, .
put on some duct tape, man what? They took bobby to snapz? [crowd whooping] oh, me, oh, my! Now, that's what I call general haberdashery! ??[music playing] .
bobby, do that one about how the cops always be pullin' you over I don't do those kind of jokes anymore, Mr.
Dauterive.
I've got a whole new act.
Poppin' fresh is keepin' it real.
e All right! All right! Let's hear it one more tim for my main man, toenail.
All right! Give him a little depth.
Now settle down.
We got a special treat for all of y'all tonight.
The youngest comic to ever set foot on this stage.
Give it up for bobby hill! So how's everybody doin' tonight? All right! ok.
How many people here are lucky enough to be members of the nordic subgroup of the aryan race? Can I see some hands? [feedback screeching] yeah, it's tough bein' a white man these days.
It's tough, I tell you.
Folks, I'm so white, during the riots, I went out and bought a television.
] [gasps what did he say? Is this thing on? (man) fake! (woman) get off the stage! Uh-oh, bobby's in trouble.
Dale! Where's bobby? What's going on? Well, he's no toenail.
(bobby) ok.
oh, I know.
Here's an old joke I heard on the internet.
It takes place in the slavery days of yore.
What? Bobby, no! Wait a minute, everybody.
This is my son up here.
And he's only 12-years-old.
! Somebody shut that nazi up shut up, you whitey! Look, he doesn't know what he's sayin'.
(man) well, who are you? The grand wizard? No, no, I sell propane and propane accessories.
Y-y-yo-y-y-yo .
what's goin' on here? Let me get a piece of this whoa! Opie, that new act of yours is seriously unfunny.
Am I right, y'all? Yeah! You ain't allowed to talk that way, not in america! Am I right, y'all? Yeah, that's right! Wrong! We got a thing called freedom of speech.
e And a man on this stag can say any dumb-ass thing he wants! [grunts] and, uh, besides, look at this kid's daddy! The man don't got no butt at all, no butt at all! I mean, his booty's so small, he got to hold on to the light cord to keep from fallin' in the toilet! He gonna drown.
Can't swim.
Can't swim.
I mean, look at this man's booty.
Booty so small, he gonna hula hoop with a cheerio.
With a cheerio, not fruit loops, cheerio! [whistling] [cheering] I got to thank you , Mr.
Sack.
You kept a cool head in a crisis situation.
Booda sack, I'm sorry that I wasn't funny.
Well, don't worry about it, bobby.
You know, rerun didn't start off that funny.
Well, thanks for savin' my boy and not holdin ' it against me that you were fire d from teachin'.
, If you're lookin' for a real job you ought to consider a career in propane.
You know, this whole humor fad is pretty much on the way out.
Good job, roger.
e You know, I want to apologiz for all those things I said about your mother not raising you right.
I'm sure if she had planne d for you, it would have been different.
What? Don't make me go upside your-- Gotcha.
Just kiddin'.
Check it out, drew carey has finally developed a sense of humor.
That's all right.
Hey, drew carey! Your mama is so ugly, when she walks in the bank , they turn off the camera.
And your mother is so ugly, uh .
It affects her self-esteem your mama got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she got buckwheat in a headlock.
Well, your mother's hair is so short, she looks like she's not a woman at all, but more like a man.
More like a man? You got to work on that one.
Check this out.
It's been so long sinc e your mama's last bath, .
that her hairy armpits smell like propane gas now, excuse me.
Hold on there, fella.
A joke's a joke, but now you've gone too far.
Propane has no natural odor.
What you smell was actually put there by man for safety purposes.
Hello, I'm hank hill.
And I'm roger sack.
Tonight's episode deal t with racial stereotypes, especially the myt h that white people do not have butts.
As you can see from the man standin' next to me, that's simply not true.
Thank you, roger.
It's a damn fine butt.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
That butt is the bomb.
Yeah, I think it's tim e for the x-files.
Now! Go! (toenail) now that's what I call general haberdashery!