King of the Hill Episode Scripts

Hank's Dirty Laundry

[birds chirping] ??[humming america the beautiful] [horn honking] [laughing] [sniffs] ah.
hmm? ah! no! No! No! These are my personal, private undergarments.
Now the whole neighborhood knows I wear 'em.
Well, I am sorry, hank .
The dryer broke again.
It's actually moistening our clothes now .
ok.
Ok.
We'll buy a new dryer.
Just help me get the rest of these down.
ah! oh.
Let's buy this one.
It's like watching t.
v.
, only the show is about wet clothes.
Hi.
You folks have any questions? Why, yes.
I do.
Heh-heh.
Could you tell me the difference between an electric dryer and a propane dryer? Sure.
A propane dryer costs a little more-- Uh-uh, only at first.
When you factor in the lifetime cost of ownership, propane comes out on top.
Let me run through the numbers.
A family of 4 does 3 and a half loads a week.
.
.
Hey.
Hey.
Hello, buckley! hey.
When did you get promoted to greeter? Yester-hey-day .
and if the current trend in electric rates continues, you'll be glad you did.
Here's my card, in case you have any other questions.
Can we just take the spinmore, please? Would you be interested in applying for a mega lo card? Huh, no, thanks.
The last thing I need is another credit card.
I've already got one.
(peggy) hmm, hold on.
No money down, no interest for 6 months, and 10 percent off our first purchase.
10 percent off? Well, chuck mangione supports it, and his diet shakes did ok by me.
Hi, luanne.
Hi, bobby.
Hi, buckley.
He's on break.
Where's uncle hank and aunt peggy? Oh, I thought I'd give them some time alone so they could, you know.
What? You know.
Buy me a birthday present.
I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it? I don't think so.
Your birthday's not till next month.
Think about it, luanne.
Why would you bring a child to a department store to buy a dryer when his birthday is 3 and a half weeks away? It just doesn't make sense.
They're watchin' me, trying to get into my head, see what I really want in a present.
No, I'm pretty sure we're just buyin' a dryer.
Ok, luanne.
When mom and dad get done "buyin' the dryer," tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes, holdin' a toblerone.
hey.
[computer beeping] ok, Mr.
Hill.
Your credit has been Rejected? Huh, but why? Well, the computer doesn't say.
I'm sorry.
Next.
Hold on a minute.
You made a mistake.
I have perfect credit.
I think I recognize a frowny fac e when I see one.
Hank, why don't we just pay with a check? Sorry.
We can't take checks from peopl e with bad credit.
[bicycle bell rings] i'm havin' the time of my life, and it's on sale! (hank) thanks for trying, melinda.
But I'm pretty sure you can't just look up my credit unless I send some kind of permission letter to my credit bureau.
No, it's a piece of cake.
All you need is a $10 processing fee.
I'll just deduct that from your paycheck.
Mr.
Strickland! I was just, uh Hank's got bad credit.
Well, there's the rat hair in your tuna.
It seems like you're in the hole $40 to arlen video.
What? It says I owe $40, and that can't be true.
I always bring back my tapes.
Look for yourself.
I've returned the great santini 23 times.
ok.
"hank hill, june 23.
" Yeah, you rented and never returned cuffs and collars.
I've never even heard of that.
Have you? Uh-uh.
Unless it's got the name "merchant ivory" or "billy crystal" above the title, I am not interested.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
They're buying me a movie for my birthday.
That's why we're here, right? .
Really, bobby, they haven't said anything bobby, you ever heard of a movie called cuffs and collars? Ooh, I think that's the one with the 2 cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late 'cause he's dead, but not really.
So, you've seen it? no.
How about you, luanne? Uh-uh.
"oh, no, you're not getting a movie, bobby.
" [laughing] you are so smooth.
Nope, we didn't rent it.
So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair , we'll be on our way.
I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
.
I told you, I didn't rent the tape now who's calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'cause I want to know whose ass to kick.
I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Fine.
Now, where's the ass on this thing? I need a dryer, hank.
Just pay for the tape! Absolutely not.
I won't pay for someone else's screw-up.
Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now! Where would cuffs and collars be? Action-adventure, action-comedy, action-action? Make a left.
ok.
[screaming] [panting] .
tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk how could they think i'd rent a stag film, peggy? I'm married.
.
I think we should just pay no.
I've got to prove my innocence.
Now, wasn't june 23rd the day I went to my dad's and installed grab bars in his shower? Nope.
June 23rd, I playe d boggle at nancy's and left you home Alone.
Peggy, you don't think I actually rented-- Oh, hank.
I don't care if you did or you didn't.
Well, you should care, because I didn't.
Oh, really, hank, it doesn't matter.
It does matter.
It's important you believe me when I say I didn't rent the tape.
Honey, ok, I believe you.
Now, I just have one question.
Did you rent the tape? no.
All right, then.
But whether you di d or you didn't, I still think we should just pay.
, The last thing I want is for people to b e talking about this especially in front of bobby.
[gasps] luanne, luanne, it's even better than I thought! Mom and dad are throwing me a surprise party! [birds chirping] so, nancy tells me she ran into john redcorn at the video store.
The two of them heard you complainin' about some porno tape you lost.
[laughing] yeah, man! Talk about that dang old cuffs and collars, man.
Like when they come over to clean that pool, man, you start going like, a-wakka, wakka-wakka, wakka-wakka.
Quit it.
I didn't rent that movie.
I'm glad.
I'm glad i'm not the only one who is disgusted by pornography.
It's offensive.
It's demeaning.
It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.
Don't worry, bill.
I'm not gonna let my credit and good name be done in by a damn computer error.
Computers don't make errors.
What they do, they do on purpose.
By now your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as The beast.
Dale, I'm having a problem with one videotape, not some kind of high-tech bogeyman.
You just be careful.
Computers have already beaten the communists at chess.
Next thing you know, they'll be beating humans.
[phone ringing] strickland propane.
"taste the meat, not the heat.
" Hello, hank? Speaking.
How're you doing? It's matt.
Oh, hey, matt.
How you been? Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Uh-huh.
So, uh, how's, um, peggy? Ah, she's fine.
And how's, uh Do I know you? Hank, if you liked cuffs and collars, you'll love rug burn, too.
And by "rug burn, too," I mean "rug burn also.
" Rug burn 2 isn't very good.
What? But-- who is this? You know, matt, from consenting adults.
The country's largest supplier of mail-order adult entertainment.
So how many can I put you down for? Z- zero! God! Please watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line.
How did you get this number? Not important.
What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than arlen video.
What? Arlen video told you I rent pornography? Uh, heh-heh.
Who plays the most hits? Y104! Yeah, ok.
[laughing] crazy morning zoo.
[machine whirring] [beeping] (bill) shame on you, hank hill! What you do in the privacy of your own home is disgustin' enough.
But to let it spil l out into our streets where my future children will someday play? Well, that is goin' too far.
Shame! Shame! I would like the luxury of vomiting on myself right now, but I don't have any clean clothes to change into.
Would you just pay the bill so I can get a new dryer? It's too late.
The beast's alread y got him in its jaws.
Your only way out is to start life over with a new identity.
If you want, I can get you the birth certificate of a child who died in 1953.
It's hardly been used.
No, I am not a quitter.
Who's not a quitter? My dead friend, hank hill, or my new friend, rusty shackleford? [sighs] look, just help me get this smut back to the post office.
Bobby! Do not get off the bus! Look at all those cards and gifts.
This is gonna be the best birthday ever.
Next! (hank) uh, yes.
These magazines and, uh, equipment were delivered to my home.
I want you to return to sender, and take my name off these mailing lists.
No, the post office can't take you off the mailing lists.
- You need to call the company you bought your pornography from- I don't buy pornography! I don't want this.
Take it back.
.
If you want to file a complaint, fill out this form we'll enter it in the computer-- No! No forms, no computers.
We were never here.
Don't feed the beast.
Mr.
Hank hill, you threw out your mail, son.
Don't you want to "prolong your love-making pleasure for just pennies a night"? Mr.
Hank-- Give me that! Don't you people understand? If I don't fight, someday it could be your name on these plugs.
I'm doin' this for all of you! Do you know this guy? No dadgum way, man! That's some dirty old man, hanging around sex toys, man.
Back at my place if you're interested.
Boomhauer, no! I can do without bill by my side.
? He brings nothing to this fight.
But you .
you should have seen this comin', hank one by one, your friends will desert you.
I'll be next.
[birds crying] .
now dale, this stuff about the beast you made all that up, right? .
Of course, you did oh, no.
.
Everything has been foretold in the book of revelations uh, you just stepped in a diaper.
[siren blaring] damn it, it's the vice squad! They must've followed us.
Quick, dale.
Bury the Dale? [panting] oh, sir, this is a municipal dump.
All garbage must Wait a minute.
This superglide is oil-based.
That's a petroleum byproduct.
You can't throw that out here.
Same with the batterie s in your vibrator.
This is not my vi-- And it's not a It's a wand massager.
It says so right on the box.
All right.
Give me your license.
I'm gonna run you through the computer.
The comp-- uh.
Heh, I--I don't have my license on me at the moment, uh, but I can tell you that I was born in 1953.
As a child, I was quite ill.
[panting] ugh! [screaming] surprise! What? I had no idea.
When did you plan this? [giggling] how was that, luanne? .
Let's try it again whoo! ? I'm playing with the queen of hearts ? ? ? You know she isn't very smart ? What the hell? [car door slamming] peggy, thank god you're here! Hello, I'm hank hill, and I'd like you to sign my petition.
Hank hill, I want you to get in the car now, before the whole town sees you.
no! I am not a quitter, and I don't rent pornography.
I'm begging you, hank.
Pay the $40.
We will buy a new dryer and you can finally change your underwear.
Honey, it's the right thing to do.
Not until I prove my innocence , once and for all.
That's why I'm taking arlen video to small-claims court, peggy.
I'm puttin' the whole system on trial.
You have not heard a word I've said.
What do I do to get through to you? Do I have to take off my shirt and dance like the women in your movies? I don't rent those movies! Hank, if you want to keep up your silly little battle, then you go it alone.
I am sorry.
[crickets chirping] [snoring] [car approaching] [car honking] oh, ah, um? e Oh, man! His trial is tomorrow, and he's going in ther with nothing but 6 honks and one signature.
And that's on his leg.
Darn taggers! It's sad, really.
All he wanted was for his clothes to be dry.
yup.
yup.
Oh, yeah.
[horn honking] ? Dream maker ? [tires squealing] ? No, no, no ?? [laughing] [doorbell ringing] mom, look what dad got me.
There's cuffs and collars, and a whole bunch of other cop movies.
Jailbait, hung jury-- How dare you try to expose my son to these, uh, police tapes that are so degrading to, uh, law enforcement officials! You never saw these.
Gotcha.
It's a surprise.
Don't worry, I didn't read the card.
uh! oh! hmm.
[sighs] ok.
??[music playing on t.
v.
] (man) hey, did somebody call a plumber? (woman) come on in.
I'll show you where the leak is.
Ah, no, not, oh Oh, god! (woman) you want me to frisk you? Ah, what kind of cop are you? (man) a bad one.
[gasps] oh.
(peggy) bobby! For the love of god! Get out of the house! (bobby) ok.
my mom told us to stay away for 3 hours.
My birthday party must be today.
Whoo! Then I guess this haircut is free! I'm still supposed to charge you for the shampoo.
(woman) here, let me hold that.
(man) thanks, officer.
Say, are you a mounted police? Not yet.
" "but a girl can dream.
Wait a minute! That's it! That's it! [laughing] yeah, that's it! [laughing] [hammer tapping] you are hereby ordered to pay damages in the amount of $1.
50 .
and return the plaintiff's sunglasses yeah! [groaning] (judge) next case.
Hank hill versus arlen video.
Mr.
Hill, you allege that you have been the target of systematic harassment at the hands of a major international computer conspiracy, known as the beast.
That is correct, your honor.
Mr.
Hill, why don't you just pay the $40? Because I did not rent the tape and I can prove it! It's pretty quiet.
And there are no cars.
I wonder where the magician parked.
Surprise! [yells] huh? they must be in my bedroom.
shh! Surprise! [squeals] cuffs and collars.
The tape I never rented.
68 minutes into the film, actress didi cupp bends over to shoe her horse.
Now, if you pause the tape and look closely, you can just make out a tattoo on didi's left buttock that reads: "i heart charlie sheen.
" Mrs.
Cupp also makes an uncredited cameo in jailbait.
A tape which marks veteran porn star fernanda valley's return to the adult film industry on the occasion of her 18th birthday.
, Now, at the 70-minute mark didi bends over to shoe a donkey.
What do we see on her left buttock? Nothing! There is no tattoo.
This can only mean that jailbait was made before cuffs and collars.
Now, why is this important? Because fernanda valley turned 18 on july 5th.
d 2 weeks after I supposedly rente cuffs and collars.
[all gasping] is it possible that I walked into arlen video on june 23rd ? and rented a movie that didn't even exist I think not! [all cheering] [hammer tapping] I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
Arlen video is hereby ordered to remove the debt from its computer.
[all cheering] and let the record show that Mr.
Hank hill really knows his pornography.
Thank you, your honor.
Oh, you did it, hank.
You won.
Oh, we can finally put this nightmare behind us.
Oh, no.
This isn't over yet.
[beeping] [gulps] approved! The dryer's yours.
I can't believe they forgot my birthday.
Oh, don't worry.
They've still got a whole month to remember.
[all cheering] [car horns honking] you got me, luanne! You knew the whole time, didn't you? Yeah.
[laughing] yeah.
.
I don't believe it a dryer! It's perfect! yup.
(bobby) this is the best birthday ever! [woman moaning] (boomhauer) start going like, wakka-wakka, wakka-wakka.