King of the Hill s02e18 Episode Script

The Final Shinsult

??[rock 'n' roll music playing] good morning, class.
I will be subbing for Mrs.
Dorland, who is at home recuperating from the hanta virus.
[sighs] what's the hanta virus? Well, clark, it's a flu-like disease, usually contracted from rodent droppings.
Ok! All right, then.
Now, in preparation for our field trip, your classmates are going to act out a little-known episode of mexican-american history.
The year is 1847.
I am gen.
Santa anna.
I led the mexican army at the alamo, where we defeated texas.
[students booing] we are at the battle of cerro gordo, 11 years later, and we are hungry.
Sir, I will hold your artificial leg while you eat chicken.
[grunts] attack.
Look out! It's the illinois volunteer infantry.
Hop on, general! [grunts] I stole your fake leg.
[students cheering] ah, well, that was beautiful! That was just inspired! The general's artificial leg has been on display in an illinois museum for over a century.
But this year, america decided to return it to mexico.
Even as we speak, santa anna's real fake leg is making its way from museum to museum, on its journey home.
I guess, you could say the arlen museum is the "last leg" of the tour.
[laughing] oh, oh, peggy.
Yeah, see,that was-- That was 1976.
In 1977, I did wear shoes.
[tires skidding] boy, that car' s goin' fast! Doesn't he know men drink in this alley? That looks like your dad's cadillac car, hank.
Yeah, man, that looks like dang ol'-- better hit the dirt, man! [gasping] [tires screeching] uh Thanks, fatty.
Don't mind if I do! jeez, dad, you almost dented the cooler! Where's didi? I thought with your eyesight, she was doin' all the drivin'.
Well, we had another fight .
I threw her out.
Didi, woman, my toes are cold.
Knit me a blanket! I don't have time, honey.
I'm late for work.
[laughing] that's a good one, babycakes.
Now, get your knittin' sticks.
You're gonna have to wear your socks, colonel.
Yeah, so I put her on the street.
Good for you, sir.
I admire the speed with which you dispatched the insubordinate.
Shut your clam hole, gribble.
e So, I gues s you're her to cool off for a few days till you two can patch things up? No, this one's for good.
I'm here to renew my driver's license.
Got the eye chart memorize d down at the arlen d.
m.
v.
They ain't changed it since world war ii.
Uh, that's the big one, fatty.
, Uh, dad, about you drivin' i'm not sure it's such a good idea.
Excuse me, hank, I think a man who gave his shins to win the 2nd world war has earned the right to drive an automobile.
[birds chirping] hank, bobby and me are gonna rent an r.
v.
This summer, and drive around the country.
We'll do 50 states in 50 days! You know, cotton, you can travel anywhere in the world, in books.
[grunts] ah, dad, you don't want to be drivin' on a crowded highway in the summertime.
I don't know.
There's nothing like the feel of the open road.
, Oh, you know, grandpa hill, with an r.
v.
You can put it on cruise control and then go in the bac k and watch t.
v.
[sighs] luanne, please! Dad, with all due respect, I don't think you should be drivin' anymore.
Don't you tell me what to do! You ain't my daddy! I'm your daddy! I won the war! I can drive a car! Even your idiot friend , gribble, knows that! Oh, dad, dale's just kissin' up to you.
And so should you, boy! Uh, hank, that reminds me.
Uh, we need some chaperone s for bobby's class trip.
What kind of trip you takin' bobby? Vegas? There's a gen.
Santa anna exhibit at the museum.
We did a play about him in school, and I was one of his privates.
.
Yeah, yeah, I know all about santie annie we got his walkin' log under glass in illinois, i'm glad to say.
Actually, cotton, the leg is coming through arlen.
America is finally returning the leg to mexico.
What? God! Uh, take it easy, dad.
Take it easy.
You see, bobby, your daddy's gene'ation's givin' away everythin' we fought for.
Panama canal, mexican legs.
You people'd give back gandhi's diapers if you had 'em.
[sighs] would you look at that line? We'll be here all day! Oh, for god-- Hank, I gutted a man, he whined less than you.
Why don't you guys get started? I'll be there in a minute.
All right, clerkie.
Now, take down the first letter of every word I say.
"some "day, governor reagan will run for president.
" I pass.
Give me the license.
Wow! I've never seen anyon e Miss every single letter.
Y-you fail.
What? Look at it again! "some day.
" that's "s," "d," as in "stupid dummy.
" That's you! Tell him, hank! This is an outrage! We are very dissatisfied customers.
C'mon dad, let's go.
[cotton growling] so, you had the clerk switch the eye chart.
That's a good plan, if You silence the clerk.
Well, it was one of the toughest things I ever had to do, I tell you what.
But my dad's getting close to the end zone now.
I gotta start calling some of his plays.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
My dad can't even load his own hunting rifle anymore.
I mean, I gotta put it in his hands, practically pull the dang trigger for him.
Sad, very sad.
The d.
m.
v.
Changed the damn chart on me, that's what they did.
Tell you what, man! That dang ol' d.
m.
v.
, man take my picture that ol' hair hooter that day, man.
4 dang ol' years ago, looking like cokie roberts, man.
There are ways to get around the license problem, sir.
Dale, this doesn't concern you.
For example, put a sail on your car, call it a boat.
Hear that, hank? Gribble's got a clever idea.
Go get me a sail! It's a stupid idea, dad.
Well, excuse me, hank, I guess I'm not as clever as you are.
I mean, I could never think of a clever idea like switching the eye chart, so your dad would fail that test.
Jeez! Dang it, dale! ah! Looks like we got ourselves a benedict arlen! What do you got to say for yourself, boy? L-look, dad, I did change that chart.
I did it because I car e about you.
.
You should not be drivin' but he's a war hero, hank.
A world war hero! You should let him do whatever he wants.
Shut up, dale! I know what's best for my dad.
If you knew what's best for me, you'd have drowned yourself 2 days after you was born! Goodbye, hank.
I'm leaving! [tires squealing] [brakes screeching] ! gribble, good news i'm stayin' with you from now on! You hear that, hank? Daddy's stayin' with me.
[whirring] did you sleep ok, mr.
Hill? Yup, yup, just fine.
(dale) see, nancy? And you wanted to give awa y joseph's crib.
There you go, sir.
One perfectly forged driver's license.
Good until the year 3000.
Good boy! Here's a dollar.
hmm! Oh, hey, dad? I need you to sign my permission slip for that santa anna exhibit.
Joseph, you know I do not sign any document issued by a government institution.
[knocking on door] hey, hank.
[car horn honking] come on, joseph, our ride's here.
??[music playing] hey, tokyo rose! How does your garden grow? Don't start with me, dale.
All right, dad, you made your point.
Now, come on back, and we'll talk about this.
I got a whole box of mega lo plates you can break.
I'd rather break gribble's plates, thank you very much.
.
No, thank you very much, sir i'm done.
I'm goin' down to the drugstore to pick up my shin salve.
All right, well, let me drive you and-- I don't need you.
Gribble made me a license.
[honking] I've never seen a meter maid take so long to write a ticket.
.
All right, sir .
please step ou t of the vehicle whoo-hoo-hoo! You wanna frisk me, cagney? Go ahead, and then I can do you.
And when I asked for his license, he gave me this.
Yeah, I know it's expired.
I'm real sorry about that.
He shouldn't be drivin'.
Expired? It's not even real.
Made out of the back of a cereal box.
Well, you're lucky.
In the most severe cases of senile dementia, they can't remember their sons' names.
What? He's not senile.
My dad's just a character.
You know, like a cowboy.
[police siren blaring] dad, knock it off.
Come on! All right, gen.
Mills.
Now, I'm letting your son take care o' you.
You have to promise to be a good boy.
Do you recognize your son? Yeah.
He's benedict arlen.
The point is, dad, you've got to calm down.
.
You're lucky you're not in jail don't you take that tone with me! I was out buying shin jelly.
You show some respect! Oh, ok, ok, let's talk about it over dinner, what do you say? .
Go get your bags and we'll head on home oh, sure, i'll be right there.
[clicking] oh! [clicking] [glass squeaks] [both laughing] [groans] [tires screeching] [guffawing] uh, hey, didi.
Hank.
Listen, I'm here to ask you for a big favor.
You and my dad gotta patch things up quicker than usual this time.
I'm having trouble keeping him under control.
Oh, there's no patching things up this time, hank.
The passion is gone.
(didi) there was magic between us when we first met.
Yeah, I come in here once a year to get my shins drained.
I don't take no anesthetic.
Did lincoln ask for girlie-gas when they blowed his head off? Magazines? Candy? Fruit roll-ups? Oh, look at you! Aren't you the cutest little helpless thing? .
Oh, you're like a little baby in that gown ! ooh, coochie, coochie, coo oops! ? With anyone else but me ? Oh, sweet lord! Cling peaches in heavy syrup! (didi) it was like romeo and .
Um, juliet but now the magic's gone.
Cotton said my bottom was too small.
? Do you think it's too small ahhh! No.
Put that away! It's--it's fine.
It's very, uh, big.
Look, hank.
Isotoner makes sundresses now.
Uh-oh! She is not gonna take him back, is she? Nope.
I'm gonna have to watch him like a hawk.
Uh, cigar, hank? .
No, thanks good, 'cause, they all been smoked.
[both laughing] yeah, you got me on that one.
Heh-heh.
[sighs] anyway, the reason I'm here is to ask you to be a chaperone on bobby's museum trip tomorrow.
I'm gonna be one.
Daddy can't go.
He's taking me bumper bowling.
Will you stop calling him "daddy"! .
Come on, dad.
You'd really b e helping us out well, I've been helping you out of jams your whole life, might as well keep the streak alive.
I'll do it! We'll do it.
And then you killed the german corporal? This is world war ii, connie-girl.
He was a nazi.
Yeah, I severe d his windpipe with a 2-foot strand of dental floss I kept in my boot.
And that's why it's always important to carry dental floss.
[all laughing] ok, tom landry middle school.
Next stop is the featured exhibit, gen.
Santie annie's artificial leg.
[peggy exclaiming] what a beautiful prosthetic! Those t-shirts do not do it justice.
After its brief stay here, gen.
Santie annie's leg will be returned to its rightful owner, mexico.
Rightful? Finders keepers! .
Dad, now, take it easy relax.
, Along with the leg mexico will receiv e a check for the original cost of the leg.
$1,300 u.
s.
, and a letter of apology .
signed by our commander in chief aw, that draft dodger! He can't do that! The japanese blew my shins off! When am I gonna get them back? Hank, chaperone, chaperone your father.
! Dad, I'm not gonna tell you again.
Zip it let's settle, people, ok.
(curator) all right.
Stop the bus! It's been stolen! One of these hoodlums stole santie annie's leg.
Oh! All right, kids.
Listen up.
I'm gonna close my eyes, and when I open them, I wanna see that leg! You understand? [gasping] [groaning] [grunts] [tires screeching] all right, dad.
I'm fed up .
Now, where is the leg? Well, I don't know if I can speak to that! I was told to "zip it!" the whole country of mexico .
is expecting to get their leg back on saturday delightful! That leg means a lot to them, and my driver's license means a lot to me.
? What does the leg have to do with your driver's license use your head, boy! The mexicans have diplomats.
They'll pull some strings, get me my license, then I'll give them back their leg.
Dad, the police are gonna come after you.
That's my offer, take it back to your people.
ah! [laughing] they never look in the most obvious place.
Colonel, shall we retire to the "leg" room? [door creaking] [laughs] maybe that policewoman was right.
I've never seen da d like this before.
He's not his crazy old self anymore.
He's acting, uh, crazy! Well, stick a pin in me, i'm dreaming.
I have been saying that to you for 22 years! Aunt peg, uncle hank, I just heard on the news.
There's a santa claus exhibit at the museum and someone stole his leg! oh! Colonel, I just want to sa y it's been an honor fighting with you against hank and his forces.
You can rest assured, I am with you all the way.
You got any of them little goldfish crackers? [doorbell ringing] [gasps] he did it! He took the leg! It was his idea! You can have it back! Oh, no, it's gone! Where'd you put it, you shinless old freak? What did you You're a worse traitor than hank.
I know how to deal with traitors.
[screaming] sir, you're gonna want to give me that leg right now, before you get in any more trouble.
I need that leg for leverage in my negotiations with the mexican government! They took my shins and put them on display in the emperor's pagoda! That's the thanks I get for flossing them nazis? You tell the meter maid, I want my car back! I can drive myself.
They just changed the chart! "some day governor reagan will run for president!" [cotton screaming] (psychiatrist) and we felt the psychological evaluation had come to an end after he claimed doctor miyoshi's stethoscope as a war trophy.
Well, what are you gonna do? Just keep him here forever? .
Well, that's up to you it's my opinion that he requires supervision.
Either he stays here, or you and your wife need to watch him 24 hours a day.
hmm.
[hospital chatter on p.
a.
System] hey, dad! How do you like it here? Find someplace else to stand, fatty! Oh, see, you know his name.
He's already made a friend.
See, he knows his name.
Look, peggy, board games! oh! Checkers.
I love checkers.
Dominoes.
Chutes and ladders.
.
[giggling] chutes and ladders why, if I didn't have to work every day, I'd come here.
[snorting] uh, dad, I know a lot has happened in the last day or so, but I need to know where that leg is.
If I give the leg back, can I get out of here? We'll see.
It's not up to me.
[laughs] all right.
It's in gribble's golf bag.
I drew a "1" on it, and signed it "lee trevino.
" All right, then.
Dale's golf bag.
Take it easy, dad.
.
Uh, don't forget about your old man ? you'll come back for me, right, boy ] [chuckling well, it's not so bad in there, really.
Oh, peggy, come on .
That was awful.
My father hates it in there.
[sighs] but it's not like I can watch him 24 hours a day.
Oh, no, you cannot.
Just wouldn't be fair to you, or me, or bobby.
Maybe we're being too picky about this v.
a.
You know, consumer reports gave it a "b"-minus.
Well, that's above average.
Hank, how are you gonna break it to him? [sighs] so, uh Am I gonna live with you and hank's wife? [sighs] no.
but I told you where the leg was! I know, and I gave it to the police.
Look, dad, I can't take care of you all day long, and you wouldn't really want it that way.
So, there's only one other option.
Didi! What's she doing here? I told you it was over, woman! I told him the same thing.
But he said I have to sign something to get the cadillac car.
? Don't sit under the apple tree ? oh! ? With anyone else but me ?? They've got you in a baby gown.
Oh, look at the baby! [giggling] ! oh, stop! Stop [clearing throat] .
i'll get those (cotton) oh, honey, I'm sorry I said your butt was too small.
If anything, it's too big! But I likes you for who you is.
Come on, little baby boy, i'll drive you home.
That is retired capt.
Barissimo de fino.
When he straps on santa anna's leg, and walks it from our flag to his, it will be officially returned to the mexican peoples.
[snapping] [all gasp] well, the important thing is they got it back.
! Hey, wait a minute that's the leg I made for the play.
ooh! Here you are, senor.
One driver's license.
Thank you! And here you are.
.
One santie annie's leg (male announcer) the story you've just seen is based on a true event.
At the battle of cerro gordo in 1847, the illinois volunteer infantry captured the artificial leg of mexican gen.
Antonio lopez de santa anna, while the general and his men feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken.
Unfortunately, santa anna's leg still resides in an illinois museum.
If you would like to join the movement to help return the leg to the mexican people, write illinois senator richard j.
Durbin.
Thank you, and good night.
(cotton) that's a good one, babycakes!