King of the Hill s02e21 Episode Script

Life In The Fast Lane Bobby's Saga

[engine revving] [engine revving] [tires screeching] [siren wailing] [police radio chattering] hey man, my dang ol' wife's in labor, man, gonna go down to the hospital, have that lamaze partner, man.
Good evening, sir.
Do you know why I pulled you over? Because you beat me.
I want a rematch.
Not here.
This is a school zone.
There's an amateur race at the speedway this weekend.
Winner gets to drive the pace car when nascar comes to town.
Whoa, man.
You talking about that nascar, man? I been tryin' 5 years, man, to get on that dang ol' pace car, man.
You gonna get--get me on in-- on in there? I see I'm talking your language now.
Here.
[glass shattering] i'm gonna let that go.
??[rock 'n' roll music playing] [engine idling] ok, bill, give her some gas.
[engine revving] fuel mixture's still too rich.
yup.
yup.
(bill) hey, boomhauer , look at me.
Maybe I could be a racecar driver, too.
[sighing] [grunting] yeah, bill, you'd be a regular dale earnhardt if you could make it all the way around the track without stopping for a ding-dong.
Or you can do like jeff gordon did, and have a rich daddy.
I hate that jeff gordon.
I bet I could be nascar's top money-winner, too, if my daddy had bought me a quarter midget car instead of, you know, corrective shoes that all the girls laughed at.
Yeah, his father didn't do him any favors, I tell you what.
My dad didn't buy me a car when I turned 16.
He sold me one, and it was a lemon.
Taught me the value of a dollar.
My dad never sold me anything.
Hey dad, could you please sign this check? I already filled it out for you.
"pay to the order of the bike barn"? $175! Oh, it's for a new b.
m.
x.
Bike.
You expect me to just sign this? I think you have to, or it doesn't work.
Bobby, these check s aren't magic tickets.
They represent real money that i, and to a lesser extent, your mother, .
work real hard to earn you can ride it whenever you want.
.
My point is, you don't just get money because you ask for it you want to end up like jeff gordon? I like jeff gordon.
He's handsome.
[laughs nervously] bobby, you joke around like that in public, people are gonna think you ain't right.
? Hey, guys.
A little help here [grunting] thank you very much.
[buzzing] but jeff gordon is handsome, and he's a great champion.
[sighs] he's the world's fastest christian.
He's a bad influence on our son.
Bobby thinks the world is just gonna be handed to him.
He has no concept of the value of a dollar.
Watch.
Bobby, come here.
Son, how much do you think those shorts you're wearing cost? I don't know.
They're pretty nice.
$100? hmm.
$100 for a pair of cotton short pants.
What do you think the average salary is in this country? Well, jim carrey makes $20 million a movie.
You see that? He doesn't even know the difference between $20 million and $20,000.
You know, bobby, they say old buck strickland started out with nothin' but a single dollar bill.
And now he's at the to p of the propane ladder.
Bobby, here's your dollar.
Let's see what you can turn it into.
[grunting] what are you doin', son? Did you use that dollar to start a shoeshine business? What? Bobby! You almost made me drop it.
This is what you spent your dollar on? No, I also got a quesadilla.
It's from the value menu.
Well, thank you, hank.
Your plan certainly backfired.
You've spoiled his appetite.
Ok, I gues s I was wrong.
.
But I'll get through to him there's a way in there , I know there is.
Maybe it's tim e bobby got a job.
Hank, it's his vacation.
He's just a boy.
He should be doing boyish things.
Bobby, how would you like to go to cooking school? I'm listenin'.
Bobby, I know we've never talked about this, but someday i'm going to die.
And when that happens, then you can go to cooking school.
[car horn honking] come on, bobby.
You're comin' with me to the racetrack.
Well, bobby, what do you think? The rope is soft and pretty.
[sighs] look at the pace car, bobby.
It's what boomhaue r gets to drive if he wins his amateur race.
What's a pace car? Well, it's the car that all the other drivers have to stay behind at the beginning of a race , or whenever there's a crash.
If boomhauer wins, he'll have the honor of driving on the same track as dale earnhardt.
Or, as you'd look at it, with jeff gordon.
Jeff gordon's a racecar driver, too? I thought he was just a cereal-box model.
Hey, sodas here.
Get your sodas.
.
Hey, I'll take one nice hustle, son.
I can rest when I'm dead, sir.
You hear that, bobby? That is a good attitude.
That's what mr.
Witchard told us.
He's my boss.
Maybe someday you can land a job like this.
Why not today? Mr.
Witchard, I wonder if you have an opening for my son, bobby, here.
Well, if you work for jimmy, you're gonna work hard.
People up there are hot and dry.
They want something cold and wet.
You do your job, you make money, but you work hard.
That's the way you work, if you want to work for jimmy.
So, if I understand you correctly, you're sayin' you'll teach my boy the value of a dollar.
If you work for jimmy, you gonna work hard.
You make money.
The people are hot and dry-- That sounds just fine.
This is gonna be a great experience for you, son.
My dad told me if I worked hard, I could be another buck strickland.
Well, I don't know who the hell buck strickland is, but my dad told me I couldn't leave this job until I got someone to replace me.
Good luck, bobby.
You're gonna need it.
(peggy) ooh, you look so good in that apron, like a cooking-school professor.
Say cheese.
Cheese.
Don't smile, son.
You're a workin' man.
[camera clicking] all right, now, remember, bobby, if there's a crash on the track, here's the fun saver.
Try to get me 2 angles.
(commentator) t.
Goodson takes the lead.
Don't come a-knockin', 'cause these trucks are rockin'.
Soda! Hey, soda here! I got peanuts! Peanuts! [grunts] ahhh.
(man) hey, soda! [grunting] [panting] [groans] [grunting] [panting] [grunts] oh, is that diet? Reg--regular.
Sorry.
[gasps] ] [sighs [tires squeal] [car crashes] [crowd gasps] hey, you.
You want a hot dog? Sure.
Ok $4.
50 for a jumbo dog, and $20 for a tray of stolen drinks, and the $28 you owed me.
Now you owe me, oh yeah, you owe me $52.
50, tommy.
I'm not tommy, I'm bobby.
You making fun of me? You're tray 27.
See? 27! Tommy! Go sell some sodas, tommy.
[grunts] ! (witchard) ahhh! Oops you know, maybe now's a good time to run some pit-crew drills.
Time us, boomhauer.
Bill, you clean the windows.
aye.
Dale and me will take tire duty.
Ok, go.
[whirring] [squeaking] (hank) tire one, check.
Tire one, check.
.
Tire 2 (dale) time out.
Man attached.
Man attached! [crickets chirping] mr.
Witchard? [gasps] huh? mr.
Witchard, I think I'm ready to go.
ok.
You owed me $68 in trays, and you paid me $72, but you also owed me $40, for a total of you owing me $88,888 and 88 cents.
Hey, there's our workin' man.
Here, bob, grab a root beer.
yep.
You can say "yep," too.
You've earned it.
Dad, I want to quit.
[coughs] what? Quit? .
It's horrible, dad it's hot and the tray is heavy.
And my boss is really mean .
And he calls me tommy.
And he watches t.
v.
In a hot dog, and I think he might be a moron.
Now, bobby, I know your first day was hard, but don't call your boss names.
That's actin' like a baby.
Babies want everything handed to 'em.
But you're there to work, and not play.
That's why it's called "work," and not "play.
" And if you don't understand that, well, son, maybe you're the moron.
ok.
There you go.
Now, what you need are a few pointers on salesmanship.
Remember, a good salesman always says "yes" to the boss.
He approaches every task with a can-do attitude.
And when things get tough, he shrugs it off and sings a happy tune.
? This is that thing about me giving 110 percent, right bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
[panting] that's tray number 3, mr.
Witchard.
I'm giving a 110 percent.
You know, I have to admit, at first, I didn't think you were the best boss.
I'm the boss.
I know.
I know.
My dad set me straight.
And I'm gonna be the best worker you ever had.
You work for me.
You bet I do.
You're gonna see a whole new tommy today.
ah, How would you want to be my "go to" guy? That's me! ok.
First, you "go to" the men's room and mop out the unerals.
Then you "go to" my cigarettes in my car.
.
Then "go to" back here can do.
(hank) all right, give it another push.
Dale, no faking this time.
Dad, dad! Your advice really worked.
Mr.
Witchard promoted me to "go to" guy.
Wow! I hope you'll still return my calls.
[both laughing] you got any other success tips for me? hmm.
Well, uh Here's a great one.
Find the job nobody wants and then do it better.
I'll do it better! [laughs] you're the "go to" guy.
(commentator) welcome to the amateur classic 100.
[engines revving] .
oh, this is exciting, isn't it? This is exciting i'm excited, hank.
We'll get excited when boomhauer takes that checkered flag.
Right now we got a job to do.
[air whooshing] [grunting] smash it down good, tommy.
Smash it.
Down.
Smash, yeah.
Good, I said.
Don't be afrai d of them bottles.
They pop good.
Make them pop good.
Smash.
[exhales] [tires screeching] [all cheering] ! all right, boomhauer! Woo-hoo! Way to go can we bring him in? C-can we bring him in? His windows look pretty dirty.
Well, he's probably low on gas.
I'll set the flag.
hey, Remember to keep dale away from the, uh, well, everything.
I'll get the gas, check the tires and the suspension.
I'll get the windows.
Dale, here's a bucket of sand.
Hold it with both hands.
Uh, hank, what am I supposed to do with the sand? It's slipping! Hank! .
(dale) never mind all set, boomhauer ! Go, go, go! I think we did it, bill.
We kept dale from screwing it up.
Bill? Oh man! Ain't supposed to be on those windows.
Dang ol', dang ol' weight up, man.
You saying no? You can't say no to the boss.
And I'm the boss.
See? So put on the hot dog, you-- No way.
You put it on.
I'll do it, mr.
Witchard.
? How come you keep wanting to do things nobody wants to do because I've got a can-do attitude, boss.
My dad says there's no limit to what a guy with a can-do attitude can do.
Maybe one day, i'll even have your job.
You're after my job? Yes, sir.
? You think you're so good you put on the suit.
You put on the suit now.
[groans] well, it looked to me like you could have cut that guy off in the last turn but 4th place is nothing to be ashamed of.
Hang in there, boomhauer.
You may not get to ope n the race tomorrow but if there are just 3 accidents, .
you'll still get to drive that pace car .
oh, give it up, hank.
The man's dream is no more no, we can't give up now.
You know, it was just the other day, my boy wanted to quit his job because it was too tough.
.
And today, well, I think you know how this story ends up bobby hill has become the "go to" guy.
[all jeering] (bobby) ? Whenever I feel afraid ? ow! ? A happy tune ? ? And no one ?? ow! Dang! [birds chirping] bobby, what are you doing up? It's 5:30 in the morning.
Jimmy wants me to strain the bugs out of the fryer before the oil gets too hot.
Well, you know what they say: "find what your niche is, that leads to riches.
" Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, dad.
.
But sometimes I still thin k jimmy witchard ain't right now, bobby-- But then I remembe r about a 110 percent.
That's the spirit.
(commentator) and we have record attendance today with 62,427 fans.
[crowd cheering] ah, that's a lot of people.
And it's hot.
They're gonna want drinks.
I know that.
You think I don't know that? People are hot and dry.
They want something cold and wet.
Tommy! It's nice, but where are the cigarette ads? Hey, look, it's dale earnhardt, and he's coming this way.
" Oh, it's "the intimidator.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey, man, remember that dang ol' 3rd turn in darlington, man? I just wanted to turn it loose just make it go "wooo," I tell you what! Man, this rope sure is soft and pretty! I noticed it when we unloaded my car.
(commentator) and the honorary pace-car driver to start the race, officer clint "radar" jemson, winner of the amateur classic 100.
The cars are getting good traction.
We're not gonna see many crashes today.
yep.
yep.
So, ok, we wave this sign around and jeff gordon sees it.
Then he comes up to us in the stands and is so taken by our charms that he asks one of us to marry him.
Well, honey, it probably won't be me.
I have got a ring on my finger.
Yeah, and big feet.
[tires screeching] [crashing] i'm only ignoring that because a man is on fire.
[cars speeding] [tires squealing] 2 down, 1 to go.
Soda! Get your soda! Hey, what timing! We're all ready for a cold soda.
(bill) I don't know.
It looks like bobby's sweat on them.
I had some milk, don't even need it.
[sighs] it's on me.
Oh, goodie! .
Oh, thanks [slurping] bobby, these sodas are hot.
Son, you gotta find a way to be more efficient.
Listen to Mr.
Witchard.
He'll tell you what to do.
ok.
Witchard? Jimmy witchard? You told bobby to listen to jimmy witchard? He was in my gun club.
People say he fried his brain one day, just staring at the sun.
Of course, he couldn't have been too smart to do that in the first place.
Kind of a chicken-egg thing.
[cars whizzing] ah! [sighs] make me thirsty.
I need a soda.
Hey, hey you! Tommy, I need a soda.
Yes, Mr.
Witchard.
Not that way.
Just run across.
But the track! Don't backtalk the boss man.
Ain't you never crossed a highway? Run when there ain't any cars.
They're going too fast! Do it, you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you.
(hank) what the hell? Bobby, no! What are you doing? I'm gonna cross the track and bring Mr.
Witchard a soda.
That's crazy.
Why would you do something like that? .
I'm giving a 110 percent, dad (witchard) "go to" here, "go to" boy! I want a soda.
"go to" now, you.
[grunting angrily] (commentator) there's a crazy man on the track.
[screams] and there goes gordon into the wall.
(gordon) daddy! You're up.
(both) boomhauer, boomhauer, boomhauer, yeah! [gasps] [witchard yells] [laughing] you can't get me.
[growls] ah! [witchard screaming] [groans] [birds chirping] hey, bobby, whatcha doing? Playing a video game? Uh, ok.
Uh, I just wanted to say I shoulda listened to you when you said how bad that witchard guy was.
I almost died.
I'd rather not talk about it.
Bobby, you worked harder this month than any guy on this block.
And I wanna give you the money you earned.
Dad, I don't want money.
I was happy before when you just bought all the stuff around here and there was no money involved.
Well, still, i'd like to give you a couple hundred dollars.
I tell you what.
s Just buy me a couple of pairs of short pant .
and we'll call it even ??[rock 'n' roll music playing] (witchard) do it, you-- You monkey boy!