King of the Hill Episode Scripts

Peggy's Turtle Song

??[rock 'n' roll music playing] [munching] [slurping] granma, you put the cookie s back in breakfast.
Oh, my goodness, the time! I am field-tripping in an hour and I can't remember any good songs for the bus .
now, what does that john jacob jingleheimer schmidt do again? He goes out, people shout.
Not a whole lot more is known about him .
i'm sorry, honey, but I don't have time to cook you breakfast.
Here.
Promise me that you'll eat 2 bowls.
It is the most important meal of the day.
ok.
[slurping] I love you, granma .
[water running] mornin', son.
Did your mom have time to cook you breakfast before she left? Nope.
Oh, jeez.
We got any cereal? I believe we do.
What is that? Oatmeal? Ugh ! better put some sugar on that.
(teacher) all right.
Now , as you all know, mother's day is coming up.
And I thought it might be fun to talk about some of the famous mom s throughout history who-- Owned slaves! Uh, no, what I was going to-- Going to say.
yes.
What I was going to say-- Going to say.
Going to say.
We heard the preview, now get to the feature! Bobby.
Bobby.
Bobby.
Bobby.
Bobby.
I think you had better see the nurse.
ok.
[bobby panting] n mr.
Hill, I've diagnosed your so with attention deficit disorder.
He's probably had it for years.
What? Well, how come nobody ever noticed this before? Very few people have acces s to the pamphlets I do.
Here.
Take one.
[sighs] you know, I've noticed the boy's mind wander sometimes when I'm lecturin' him.
A mental disorder would explain that.
Personally, I recommend putting him on one of the many popular a.
d.
d.
Medications now available.
I don't like the idea of puttin' my boy on drugs.
Isn't there some kind of operation? Your only other option is to send him to the special school across town.
He'll have to wear a uniform.
Can he button his own shirt? You bastards.
[crickets chirping] ritalin, cylert, tofranil, desipramine.
All sounds like goofathol to me.
What if this is all my fault? A mother should be there for her baby when he's in trouble, not halfway across town.
Oh, sure, I'm a hotsho t substitute teacher, but sometimes I don't even have time to make my own son breakfast.
ha! Well, it is called "attention deficit disorder.
" Maybe the boy's not gettin' enough attention.
Sometimes I think I should just quit my job and devote myself full-time to bein' a mother.
But you know, what am I saying? Quit my job? That's crazy talk.
Now, wait a minute, peggy.
"crazy" is a very strong word.
You're just thinking out loud.
Bobby is crazy.
.
But I just couldn't turn my back on my career like that i'll tell you what, peggy.
My own mom never worked in her life.
Home, that's what mattered to her.
And she just kept makin' it stronger every day until the divorce.
Well, I will save some money .
on faculty-roo m football pools and I can get another year out of these glasses.
Maybe we can try It a little while, for bobby's sake.
Hank, if you'll support me on this, baby, I'll do it.
(hank) now, the main thing is not to worry.
What you have is, well, technically, they call it a disease.
A disease? But not a regular disease, like you get in your body.
It's a much more rare disease, in your brain.
Now, I know we've talked a lot about how you should never do drugs but from now on you'll be taking medication after every meal.
So, do I smoke it or snort it or what? It's a pill, bobby.
So, I guess I'll just pop it then.
You will not "pop" it.
You will place it in your mouth.
Bobby, do you know who I am? I'm lu-anne.
Remember? He has a.
d.
d.
, luanne.
He didn't get hit in the head with a coconut.
[kissing sounds] here you go, my little angel.
Now that I'm not working, I had time to make you pancakes and we've got eggs and bacon arranged in 1 of 3 facial expressions, depending upon your mood.
Well, I guess I'll take happy as in "happy about this old-fashioned family breakfast.
" I had better go soon, or I'm gonna Miss my bus.
oh.
But I made Well, bobby, this is it.
You're gonna take your first pill now and in about a half-hour you should find yourself real interested in stuff that would normally bore the pants off you.
Round and round and round it goes, when he eats it, nobody knows.
Well, what have we here? Just pop the pill, bobby.
Feel anything yet? [sluggishly] starting to.
[amplified scratching] anyway, and then after I sent him off to school, I did a bunch of errands and I still had time to submit a quotable quote to reader's digest.
"some people like to stay as busy as a bee but I like to stay as busy as a b-plus.
" [all laughing] oh, but you know, I almost worry I have too much time now.
That can be a problem, peg.
.
Myself, I clip coupons I think we'd all go a little crazy without coupons.
[chuckling] [guffawing] oh, that's funny.
[chuckling] [sighs] there are 96 ridges on every checker except this one.
[yawning] family game time.
I love it.
So, how was your day, peggy? Well, I bought an ice cube tray.
Then I took it back.
Well, I tell you what, I think I may get out the guitar and have a family sing-along tonight, just like we used to, that one time.
Just gotta drop by earl's and get betsy some new strings.
You're leaving the house? You don't have to come, peggy.
I'm sure you've had a full day.
[car horn honking] you just stay here and relax.
Let's go! Funny.
I never saw peggy as the stay-at-home type.
Well, she's got 2 full-time jobs now.
Wife and mother.
It's longer hours and less pay, but you don't hear me complainin'.
[laughs] ah! seriously, though, we're lovin' it.
[ringing] [ticking] hmm! so, you know a few chords already then? Huh? Oh, yes.
I have picked up a couple from my husband, and that [gasps] is that a tattoo? Uh-huh.
You like it? Do I like it? [laughing] oh, my! So, what makes you want to play music, peggy? Well, my husband and I recently had to make a choice between our child and my career.
And it's left me with some time to fill.
Filling time.
Yeah, that's what I though t I was doing when I started playing music.
Turned out I was really looking for a voice to scream with.
Well, I don't know if my husband would appreciate screaming in the house but, let's see [screaming] well, he might have to get used to it.
[screaming] [sniffing] there's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad.
[sniffing] and there it goes.
[sighs] I wish I had those miracle smart pills.
You know, the way peggy's been bakin', there won't be a windowsill in our house that doesn't have a pie coolin' on it.
I tell you, family values are in again at the hill house.
Yeah, you're a lucky man, hank.
You know, my ex-wife, she was a careerist, you know.
And one day I had to say to her, "honey, make a choice.
It's either me or the motivational poster industry.
" .
Boy, I wish I hadn't said that you know what the root of the problem is, don't you? Feminism.
Gloria steinbrenner, that's what started it.
.
Gerald ford should've killed her when he had the chance hey, I'm looking for the hill house.
The hank hill house? The peggy hill house.
I'm her guitar teacher.
Oh, just go right around to the front.
I thought you said family values were in at your house.
Yeah, hank.
That gal there, she's dressed kinda pro-choice.
.
Here's one for practicing c and g you said you wanted stuff with strong lyrics? That's right.
But no cursing, and no cop killing.
I'm sorry, but that is just how I was raised.
Maybe you ought to try writing a song of your own, peggy.
I bet a woman in your situation would have a lot to say.
And what situation is that? Well, you know , having to give up your life's work to make things easier for the rest of your family.
Yeah, I suppose a situation like that should make me want to sing.
Oh, come to think of it, yesterday, the oddest little tune popped into my head.
It's sort of silly but, well, you'll tell me if you think there's something to it.
[clearing throat] ? There once was a turtle ? ? That lived in her shell ? ? The shell was her home ? ? ? And her prison as well ? Whoa! There's definitely something to that.
Really? Well, thank you.
You know, I had a feeling it was very, very good.
"every girl band deserves funding.
" Great.
I will remember that.
So, your guitar teacher looks pretty interesting.
And by "interesting," I mean "weird.
" Well, she is weird.
And by "weird," I mean "interesting.
" I invited her over for dinner tomorrow.
What? Now, why in the worl d would you do something like that? Well, because she has a tattoo, hank.
Don't you think a girl like that could use a home-cooked meal? [sighs] you know, emily, hank plays guitar, too.
He has a guild solid top, 1963.
? Wow, so, how come you're practicing on that old plywood one, peggy oh, I wouldn't think of touching betsy.
You named your guitar betsy? Yup.
It's one of my most precious possessions.
Interesting.
[bobby yawning] when's my next pill? Not until after dinner, honey.
I'm gonna take a little nap, please.
Paying attention all day tires me out.
[snoring] so, emily, peggy tells me you've been helpin' he r write music, workin' with her, and puttin' ideas in her head and such.
You know, I was thinking about that turtle song of yours.
If you come up with more verses, you can sing it at my mother's day recital.
You mean in front of people? Oh, well, I do Miss performing.
.
That's what a teacher is, you know, just a great performer it's one of the reasons children love school.
Yeah, the recital's a pretty casual thing.
Me and some of my students take over the back room at earl's, drink some wine, play songs, just kind of take a little potshot at the holiday.
Why would anyone wanna take a potshot at mother's day? Well, it's kind of bizarre, don't you think? The greeting card companies invented this holiday in 1914.
And now the whole country celebrates another stereotype of what women are supposed to be.
You're not married, are you, emily? So, this recital, what time would it be? (hank) don't answer that.
We already have plans for mother's day.
Peggy's starting an exciting new life as a homemaker and to celebrate, we are having brunch.
But brunch can be almost anytime, can't it? I mean, that's the magic of brunch.
But not just brunch, either.
It's gonna be a whole day where you won't have t o lift a finger.
Just let us take care of everything.
So, she won't have to use her brain at all, then.
That's right.
Interesting.
[wristwatch alarm sounds] oh! well, bobby, it's time for your next pill.
[snoring] [groaning] ? The turtle got frightened ? ? And wanted to hide ? [sighs] ? So she tucked her head ? ? Into the safety inside ?? [groaning] hank, you are groaning every time I sing a line.
Oh, am i? I'm sorry.
Do you like my song? Well, to tell you the truth, i'm not so sure I get it.
There's nothing to get.
It's just a song about a turtle.
Yeah, but I think I know somethin' about music, having listened to it a lot.
And I tell you one thing, you need to put something upbeat in there.
Upbeat? No.
No.
That would never work in this song.
Sure, it would.
You just tack somethin g on at the end .
where it all works out for instance, the girl turtle could meet a guy turtl e and fall in love.
See, then the song is really about somethin'.
Can you see that? Oh, please, that is so old-fashioned, hank.
Yes.
Old-fashioned , as in "good.
" [gasps] luanne's home.
I just don't understand why you have to keep singing that depressing turtle song.
I don't know, either, hank, but I do.
I feel very strange lately.
Last night, I dreamt we had 20 children.
Peggy, you know I can't give you more children.
[whispering] I have a narrow urethra.
Hank, I don't think that's what it meant at all! Well, forgive me, but I don't know what anything means anymore.
.
I thought we agree d to take a big step backwards together but it sounds like you'd rather play s punk music with your hippie friend .
on boring old mother's day well, it is my day.
I should be able to do whatever I want! Not whatever you want.
You can't kill a man.
Then you'd end up in prison.
And with that attitude, they'll put you in the hole! [door slams] (hank) happy mother's day, mom.
I wish I was there to shake your hand in person.
So, where are you kids having brunch today? Luly's? Joe-bo's? We're not doing brunch, mom.
Peggy decided she'd rather go to a rock concert.
On mother's day? Why? I don't know.
Peggy's just not like you, I guess.
You devoted your whole lif e to raising me.
.
And let's be honest, you loved every second of it well, actually, hank, I took odd jobs, you know, as often as I could just to get out of the house.
Don't you remember that year I drove a taxi? No.
Oh, wait a minute.
I remember you had a yellow car when I was little.
Oh, hank, I gotta go.
Uh, gary's here with my mother's day present.
- But wait, mom- I love you too, honey.
Gotta go.
.
I hope you like it [laughs] I can't return it.
(luanne) I tried to study for my beauty exam, but I couldn't concentrate.
And then I tried to figure out why, and I got bored.
You must have caught my a.
d.
d.
And I know when, too.
It was that time I sneezed in your face.
oh.
I don't remember that.
Well, you were asleep.
Bobby, I've got a test tomorrow mornin', or afternoon, or evenin', or somethin'.
Bobby, I need that pill! [car approaching] hey, man, hank, I tell you, man, you don't remember this little old lady right here, man? I certainly do.
Happy mother's day, mrs.
Boomhauer.
I tell you what, hank, I come around here, like that and then for dang ol' brunch.
I raised this boy right.
He was just a little old thing.
It's like the best dang day of the year.
[sighs] [birds chirping] [engine starting] [sighs] [sighs] [laughing] ? Met a guy in my boxing class ? ? I slept with him before I kicked his ass ?? [audience laughing] [audience cheering] rowdy crowd.
Just remember, peggy, you came here because you have something to say.
It might be complex-- Turtles are complex.
Yes, they are.
But when you say something from the heart, it always comes out right.
That was quotably quoted, my friend.
Quotably quoted.
[audience applauding] [audience cheering] hi, mom.
Bobby, honey, what are you doing here? Well, we figured today was your special day.
And since you're singin' a special song, we thought you should have a special guitar to play it on.
Betsy.
Hey, I want you to give a lot of support to our next artist, peggy hill, everybody! [audience cheering] peggy's here to sing a song about how a woman feels when the world tells her who she has to be.
huh? Oh, no, actually, i'm singing the one about the turtle that's stuck in her shell.
[audience chuckles] and I'd like to dedicate this to my husband.
[audience laughing] ? There once was a turtle ? ? Who lived in her shell ? ? The shell was her home ? ? And her prison as well ? [woman whooping] [audience agreeing] ? One day she got frightened ? ? She wanted to hide ? ? So she tucked her head ? ? Into the safety inside ? (woman) that's right! [audience cheering] ? But then came a moment ? ? Of terrible doubt ? ? She could not find any ? ? Head hole to poke out ? (woman #1) get rid of that control freak.
(woman #2) leave him! (woman #3) fight corporate, white-male oppression.
I thought the song was just about a turtle, dad.
Yeah, I did, too.
I'm--i'm sorry.
I--i'm just a little bit flustered.
(woman) wake up, girl.
Speak your mind.
Look what he's doing to you.
(woman #2) I got a number-- You can do it, peggy.
From the heart.
? But a miracle saved her ? ? Be-before her heart sank ? ? The magical love ? ? Of a turtle named ? ? Hank ?? Thank you.
(hank) yes! oh, man! Kinda copped out at the end there, didn't she? Now, that gal can write music.
(hank) maybe the problem is, you've got too muc h mother in you.
(peggy) oh, go on.
One kid was plenty for my mom, but you're different.
If you're not nurturing 20 , 30 kids at once, you start to lose your edge, and how's that goo d for the boy? Well, maybe I could try teaching again.
Sure.
And in the meantime, we can keep bobby on the medicine.
I tell you, today, I really noticed his behavior improve.
Uh, I didn't take my medicine today.
What? Why not, honey? 'cause luanne needed it badly.
And anyway, I can't take the rush anymore.
It's too fast and, like, freezy.
You know, it's like [shivers] [giggling] welcome home.
I cooked you brunch, and I tuned your car, fixed your mower, and ate the brunch.
hmm! Maybe we should read a little more about that medicine, hank.
Yeah, couldn't hurt.
[luanne giggling] ??[rock 'n' roll music playing] [bobby sniffing] (bobby) and there it goes.