Kourtney and Kim Take Miami (2009) Episode Scripts

N/A - Wax On Wax Off

announcer: Khloe after dark On y-100.
khloe: So you are tommy lee? The girls must go crazy for you.
lee: Well, I have a lovely Girlfriend who I've been seeing For almost eight months.
But yeah, it's nice to be loved.
khloe: Perfect answer.
lee: Right? khloe: Well, okay, you've had A girlfriend for eight months.
lee: Yeah.
khloe: I've known my husband For eight months.
When you're with someone for a While, you get comfortable.
You start kind of letting yourself go.
I don't really believe in that.
And I do not believe in being Over-hairy.
But do you care? lee: No, I like it I like It nice and tight, and clean.
khloe: Mm-hmm.
lee: A tiny little bit terrence: Peach fuzz.
lee: Just a little.
khloe: I need a little for Me, I think if I have nothing, I Would feel like I'm 13.
Like why do people have that Mentality that if you're married Or been with somebody for eight Months, it's time to let go.
lee: I keep my show tight.
khloe: You do? lee: Oh, absolutely.
khloe: All the way off, or You just trim it? lee: Just trim it.
khloe: You know they actually Be dazzle vaginas now? lee: I heard about this.
khloe: I don't really know What it is.
But you could be (bleep)- jazzled.
lee: A di-jazzal.
khloe: Di-jazzal and Vagazzle, that's what we Should do.
lee: Vagazzle.
khloe: (bleep)- jazzle.
There we go.
Well, yay.
Thank you so much for coming.
lee: Cool.
Thanks for Having me.
khloe: I'm supposed to yell At you and tell you to get out.
lee: Get out! khloe: Hi, baby.
What are you doing? I know, I miss you, too.
But I get to see you in a couple Days.
I am so excited because lamar is coming to miami.
I feel like I haven't seen him In forever.
I don't care if it's only one day.
I'm so excited to see you.
Yeah, call me after your game.
I love you.
Good luck.
Okay, mm-wah.
Bye.
Kourt? kourtney: Yeah.
What are you guys doing? kourtney: Peeing.
khloe: Why are you doing This? kourtney: I'm not allowed to pee? khloe: No, you could pee kourtney: In my own bathroom? khloe: But hello? You guys, honestly, you just Shouldn't do this in front of the other.
kourtney: I'm holding my pee From coming out.
khloe: Kourt and scott are Just way too comfortable in Front of one another.
This is disgusting.
I would never let lamar see me pee.
Ooh, the wiping yourself Honestly, you guys scott: What, do you not wipe? khloe: No, you wipe, but not In front of him.
Honestly, this is so disgusting.
I can't be in here.
The baby is traumatized.
kourtney: You're crazy.
khloe: I'm calling child services.
scott: Oh, mason, don't worry.
khloe: That's like the car You had last year, right? kourtney: Yeah, the jag.
Loved that car.
Hi, my love.
Last year I had a jag.
khloe: Today kourt and I have Some errands to run.
We are about to pick out some Cars and then go lingerie Shopping because lamar's coming To town and I need to look good for him.
man: How are you? khloe: Good.
man: I see we have a new addition.
khloe: Yes.
kourtney: We do.
man: Well, come on in, we'll look around.
khloe: Yeah.
That's a nice car.
man: It's got the special Sound system in it.
khloe: It's beautiful.
man: It's got this special cream interior.
khloe: I love it.
And my husband can fit in it.
He might have to come just to, You know (clicks tongue) you merried little slore-bag.
khloe: Kourt, this is so your car.
Love this.
But you can't put a car seat in that.
kourtney: You can't put man: I don't think so, no.
Now that you're a mom, we have To think a little more practically.
khloe: Well, that sucks for her.
man: I want you to show them The special cayenne baby seat.
kourtney: We love sports cars, so when I'm picking out my Mom car, it's like a little sad.
salesman: Put it down a little bit.
kourtney: Okay.
I hate how people always think Moms have to be boring and Have nothing going on in their lives.
Mason, look at your new car.
khloe: Before she was sitting In a convertible with the top down.
khloe: Now she's like, "mason, look at your car.
You get a baby seat.
" At least it's a porsche baby seat.
Yeah, porsche power.
I'll race you there first.
khloe: Ooh, kourt, how to-die is this? kourtney: That is so cute.
Let me see if they have that in my size.
khloe: You are such a copycat.
kourtney: Well, the one Person who sees your lingerie, Hopefully won't see mine.
khloe: Let's pray.
adonde estas? Ooh, champagne.
Kourtney, zip it over my ass.
kourtney: I don't think so.
khloe: If you zip my skin, I Will beat kourtney: Your skin is like Nowhere to be seen.
khloe: But at least kourtney: That's not Happening.
khloe: Okay, so I guess the fun will be him trying to get it on me.
Okay.
- Seriously.
- I can see that you need a bikini wax from here.
khloe: Stop.
I am the type of girl to have Everything perfect from head to Toe at all times.
And what is the one frickin'thing I forget to do? Get a bikini wax.
I wasn't paying attention.
I was so busy.
I'm freaking out.
Because lamar has never seen me Without a bikini wax.
kourtney: Okay, so let's go to the beauty supply and I'll get a wax kit and I'll wax you Like I did myself for years.
khloe: Kourt kourtney: All through college I waxed myself, and after until I started getting laser.
I swear, I've given myself like The best bikini wax in town, in Ten minutes, with no problem.
I could literally be waxer as my new job.
khloe: What else do you do? kourtney: I do anal bleaching.
Whatever you need.
khloe: Do you bleach your own ass? kourtney: Totally.
khloe: What about scott's? kourtney: Totally.
khloe: I knew that scott had His ass bleached.
I have no problem letting Kourtney wax me.
I let a stranger wax me.
Why the hell do I care? If anything goes awry, you're Paying for my next 30 bikini Waxes.
kourtney: That's all? Score.
This will be fun.
Torture.
It will be fun to rip out Khloe's pubes one by one.
(playful evil laughter) I'm a pro.
khloe: You better be.
Pro (bleep) hooker.
So what do we do? kourtney: This is my wax studio.
It's where the magic happens? khloe: In that room? kourtney: Yeah.
khloe: I cannot believe I Agreed to let this happen.
Is it really that hot? kourtney: Yeah.
Am I really doing this? khloe: No.
You're going to hurt me.
kourtney: Just let's test it.
khloe: I'm really scared.
I am terrified to let kourt do This, but I cannot let lamar see me as a hairy beast.
kourtney: This is a job khloe: Kourt kourtney: And a half.
The wider you keep it, the less This will hurt.
Watch your leg it's going to get hurt more.
Watch it.
Did you pinch me? kourtney: No.
khloe: Ever since I've been a kid, whenever I get hurt, I just Start laughing.
It's just a reaction.
kourtney: Three.
khloe: It doesn't mean I'm having fun.
It just means I'm extremely Uncomfortable.
Kourtney, that really hurt.
kourtney: Come on down khloe: That last one killed.
kourtney: To chinatown.
There's some stragglers on the If any visitors come over, I can Tell them your friends are here.
Lie on all fours.
This is almost done.
The last stop on the pain train.
I don't even know where to begin.
Okay, I found the spot.
Lamar will thank his lucky stars That he's not having to witness What I am.
One, two, three.
kourtney: Did it come off? khloe: You are the worst waxer.
kourtney: I'm going to reheat it.
khloe: No.
kourtney: I'm reheating it.
khloe: It is closing together.
kourtney: I need to reheat it.
khloe: Kourtney is literally ripping my skin off.
She has no idea which way to Pull it, nothing.
She is awful.
kourtney: Nice and hot, just The way you like it.
khloe: Kourtney, this is seriously freaking me out.
Ow, kourtney! Oh, my god! It stings like a mother.
kourtney: Oh, tonight The goose is loose.
I'm definitely going to let Loose like I used to.
khloe: It's not getting better.
It's actually getting worse.
Kourtney has screwed me.
It's really embarrassing, so you Can't laugh at me.
lamar: I won't laugh.
khloe: Kourtney, oh, my god, Hurry.
kourtney: Khloe, what? khloe: It's so hot! kourtney: You told me that You liked it, like hot.
You kicked me.
Let me see it.
khloe: No.
It hurts.
kourtney: Khloe, I'll check it.
I'm not going to put wax.
Look, my hands are bare.
khloe: Not like my vagina.
kourtney: It's totally fine.
khloe: No, it's not.
It stings like a mother.
kourtney: It's a wax.
khloe: I've gotten waxes before.
kourtney: It's called a wax.
khloe: Let me see the mirror.
kourtney: Khloe is a little red and a little puffy but it's not that big of a deal.
khloe: Kourt, that is not Normal.
kourtney: Khloe khloe: Kourt, there's a patch This big of extra, extra red.
kourtney: No, it's not.
khloe: That's where you just Put the really hot wax on.
kourtney: Yeah, 'cause I just Waxed you there.
khloe: You never should have Reheated it again.
kourtney: Yes, I should.
You told me that you needed it Reheated.
khloe: We need to put butter on it.
Butter heals burns.
kourtney: That's not a burn.
She's being such a drama queen.
All we have are these little Butter packets.
khloe: Well, put on it with a knife.
kourtney: What? Why does that hurt? khloe: It's a (bleep) burn! What do you mean why does it hurt? scott: What are you doing? kourtney: Hey, doll.
scott: This is normal? kourtney: I gave her a wax And she says it burns.
khloe: No, she gave me a burn.
scott: You guys do the weirdest things when you get together.
You should ice it.
Butter's not going to do anything.
kourtney: Butter is for burns.
khloe: Butters are for burns.
"b's b's.
" scott: Yeah, but if it's Going to be swollen now, You don't want your husband to get Back and see a beefed up (bleep) All burnt up.
Ice it down.
khloe: I always want to be a Turn-on for lamar and not a Turn-off.
I'm now mortified to see my husband.
This isn't happening to me.
It's like you removed layers of My skin.
kourtney: No, I didn't.
khloe: Ow.
kourtney: I'm taking a couple Of my best friends out on a Yacht and I'm excited to go out, Get wild and party.
khloe: I am still pissed at Kourt for making my vagina a Swollen mess.
But, I mean, hello, I got to make the best of it.
We're on a yacht what's better than this? kourtney: Let's do a toast to Kourtney and al being in town.
khloe: What, what? kourtney: And to my first Drink in almost a year.
Honestly, I can still have fun And be a mom.
I'm definitely going to let Loose like I used to.
Tonight I'm getting loose.
khloe: Tonight the goose is Loose.
You're going to get wasted off This one glass.
al: Probably.
I forgot how much fun it is to Drink and hang out with my girlfriends.
Amelia! Amelia! You guys have way Too much time on your hands.
all: We love miami! al: Rock on with your bad self.
kourtney: Yay, okay.
That was so funny.
khloe: Get the key.
kourtney: No, I forgot the key.
We could use a business card.
It doesn't even do anything.
khloe: I haven't seen Kourtney this drunk in forever.
It's actually pretty hilarious.
kourtney: My god.
Is this what a sex mask looks like? khloe: Let me show you.
Let me show you.
kourtney: Stop.
khloe: It's your own kourtney: It smells like milk.
Okay.
khloe: Ooh, party popping in The bentley, (bleep), yeah.
I brought you a glass.
kourtney: Party time is over.
Now it's time to pump.
khloe: What the hell is that? kourtney: Khloe, you've never seen me pump? It's like milking a cow.
khloe: You're a human cow.
kourtney: It's me that has milk.
khloe: Oh, come on.
kourtney: Okay, now watch.
khloe: Does that feel good? kourtney: No.
Does it feel like when someone is(beep) on them? kourtney: No, but this is getting them prepped and then It's going to do it slower, and It pulls it out.
khloe: Ew, I really don't like watching this.
kourtney: Okay, then will you get me my strips? khloe: What? see if there is alkohol To save this milk or throw it away.
khloe: Where are these strips Of yours? kourtney: Right next to my bed.
You need to be very quiet.
On the end table khloe: Is scott in there? kourtney: Who do you think Mason's by himself? khloe: What if he's naked? I don't want I will die.
kourtney: You're not going in To get in bed.
khloe: What if his thing is out? kourtney: It's turquoise.
khloe: Oh, please.
kourtney: He's not naked with Mason.
khloe: How do you know? kourtney: 'cause I know.
khloe: You don't know what he Does in there.
kourtney: Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Okay, so saturate it.
khloe: "saturate test pad With breast milk.
" What is that thick thing? That's a clump of your milk? kourtney: No, that is the Strip, you dumb(bleep).
khloe: Kourtney, you shouldn't call people names when you have a child.
kourtney: You dumb (bleep).
khloe: If you put that by my Face, I will beat the (bleep) out of you.
No.
Stick it in your mouth.
Eat it.
You eat it, it's yours.
Drink it.
- No, it has alcohol In it, so it's for you.
- You can drink alcohol.
kourtney: No the sister drinks the milk, khloe.
khloe: Let go of me.
kourtney: It's for the sister To drink.
khloe: No.
I'll pour it on your head.
kourtney: If you pour it on My head, I will literally, in Your sleep, open your mouth and Guzzle it down your throat drop By drop.
khloe: Your nipples are kourtney: Oh, my god.
khloe: Kourtney, stop.
Kourt, this is disgusting.
Your insides are on me.
I'm going to kill you.
kourtney: I feel so awful this morning.
But I promised scott that I would take mason to the zoo Today, and I just don't want to Back out of that commitment.
Hey, little boy.
You've got to be kidding me.
I'm really freaking out now, Because there's still alcohol in My system.
I mean, I get it that people Maybe don't understand why it's Such a big deal, but I've been Taking breast-feeding very Seriously, and I will be Devastated if I have to give mason formula.
Khlo? Khlo? khloe: What? kourtney: Even though I have My own things going on, I'm Going to check on khloe, because Tonight is when lamar comes in Town, and I know she's really Upset that I burned her.
Is it any better? khloe: Kourtney, no.
kourtney: Khloe, you've got to be kidding me.
khloe: What do you mean? kourtney: You're sitting here Staring at it.
khloe: Kourtney, I am Mortified.
I'm seriously counting down the Minutes, like, what the (bleep) Am I going to do? It's not getting better.
It's actually getting worse.
I woke up today praying that my Vagina would be healing, but It's actually worse.
And it's burning even more.
Kourtney has screwed me.
I'm like embarrassed.
Who wants to be embarrassed to Go take off their clothes in Front of their husband? kourtney: Khloe is so upset Right now, and I feel so bad Because this is like her one Night with lamar, and I ruined it.
I mean, khlo, he's your husband.
He'll love you no matter what.
khloe: But I want him to Always see me as like, oh, my Perfect little wife.
kourtney: Nobody's perfect.
khloe: I know that, but I Cannot go out like this.
scott: I got to take a picture of this.
kourtney: The smell of the (bleep) I need to go like sit down.
My head is throbbing.
I feel so nauseous.
Oh, my god.
scott: All right, fine.
We'll get out of here.
It just feels like you wasted a Special day.
lamar: Baby girl.
khloe: I do not want lamar to See me burned and gross.
lamar: What's wrong? kourtney: I mean, these bird sounds scott: Are killing you Already? Didn't even step in there yet.
kourtney: This is mason's First trip to the zoo, so I'm trying to put on a happy face, But I just feel so hung over.
scott: Come to me, my jungle friends.
kourtney: Oh, that sound.
scott: Wait, I got to take a picture of this.
Smile, doll.
I want to get some monkeys in the background.
Oh, is he too hard to hold? Here, sit down next to that monkey.
kourtney: This noise Oh, my gosh, it is so loud here at the zoo.
scott: Look, mase.
This guy has a whole routine down.
kourtney: The smell of the (bleep) I need to go like sit down.
My head is throbbing.
I feel so nauseous.
Oh, my god.
scott: Look at mommy, masey.
kourtney: Oh, there's like Ten on my hand.
I got to get out of here.
I know this is really selfish, But the smell is making me want to barf.
I just need to go home.
scott: Throw them.
Come to me.
Where are you going? Wait.
man: I think one might have Pooped on your head.
kourtney: No! I will (bleep) kill myself.
Oh, my god.
scott: All right, fine.
We'll get out of here.
Even though mason wasn't ready yet.
It just feels like you wasted a special day.
kourtney: How's your vagine Feeling? khloe: Well, it's raw and red.
It doesn't look too hot.
I would rather be hairy than burned, let's put it that way.
Kourtney gets to be with scott All the time and can look any Sort of way.
I get one night with lamar.
I want it to be perfect.
I feel so disgusting.
Who wants to feel that way in front of their husband? I'm done with you right now.
kourtney: Love you.
khloe: Mm-hmm.
kourtney: Feel better.
khloe: (bleep) my (bleep).
kourtney: That's what you're going to have to do to lamar, Since you can't give up that khloe: Hello.
lamar: Baby girl.
khloe: How are you? lamar: Good.
Mm (kissing) khloe: I'm so excited to see Lamar, but hopefully he'll just Be too jet-lagged to have sex tonight.
Please.
lamar: Come here.
Come here.
khloe: No.
I haven't seen you for so long.
I just want to give you a hug.
khloe: No.
lamar: Hold me a little khloe: Ow (laughing) lamar: What are you doing? Why are you saying "ow"? khloe: He's hugging me and grabbing me.
I need to stand.
lamar: What's wrong? khloe: It just aw, it's killing me.
lamar: What's wrong? khloe: It's really embarrassing, so you can't laugh at me.
lamar: I won't laugh.
khloe: Kourtney was giving me A wax, and she burned me.
lamar: She burned you? lamar: At least it was kourtney, though.
khloe: And now I have like Third-degree burns down there.
lamar: Let's see.
khloe: No.
You can't see it.
lamar: Why not? khloe: That's disgusting.
Hello? lamar: You're not even going to show your husband? khloe: No, I don't want you to that's why I got waxed in The first place, to try to be Perfect, so it doesn't look all Gross, and now I made it three times as gross.
This is probably one of the most Humiliating experiences of my life.
lamar: I want to see it.
khloe: Such a gross thing.
lamar: I got to see it.
khloe: Fine, for like Point-two, point-five seconds.
lamar: Khloe, you're perfect, baby.
I don't care about That.
You're perfect, baby, perfect.
khloe: I feel so relieved to hear lamar say that, no matter what, I'm perfect to him.
lamar: I'm in love with you.
lamar: Even that hurts? khloe: 'cause I bent over.
lamar: I don't know how close You should get next to me.
Hmm, hmm, right? scott: This was a great day.
kourtney: That's cute.
You and mason.
scott: Pictures of me.
Look, that's a gentleman's Photo.
I got five birds, I got my son, A tan.
I mean, what more could you ask for? My hair is flowing in the wind like flocks of capistrana kourtney: I look happy there.
scott: You look like a miserable wreck.
kourtney: I just look like a little troll.
Ugh! scott: This is why you don't Drink before you go on an Adventure with your son.
Oh, there you look like an ape.
kourtney: I look like a Little miserable troll, and I Don't want mason to look back on these pictures and think of his Mom as like a drunk, hung-over slob.
We just need to go somewhere else and take some new pics.
scott: Back to jungle love? kourtney: I would go back.
kourtney: You want to go? I am literally not drinking.
It's just not worth it.
The alcohol has finally left my System, and this whole thing Has made me realize that just Because I don't want to be A boring mom doesn't mean I have to be a crazy mom either.
You like my milk just the way it is.
There's probably a little place Right in between that's just right.
Masey just made a poop.
How cute are you? Next on kourtney and khloe take Miami Where'd you guys go? woman: Out with scott and His friends.
kourtney: Scott completely Went against my trust.
Were these girls at our place?