Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

[Cellphone rings] Hello? Yeah.
Yes.
Hello, mum.
Mum, you're not dying.
No, you're not.
[Indistinct conversations] Where the hell you been, man? I took off work to witness this thing for you.
I've been on the phone with my mum, okay? She's dying.
- She is? - Yeah.
Again.
Dying again.
- How you feeling? - Like she should be dead.
She does this every year.
You know, she's getting on my case, you know? - Yeah, about what? - Well, she wants me to be more legitimate or something.
What's she talking about? You're killing it in stand-up.
Yeah, I know! But, like, I'm not on the telly in Australia, so to my mum, I'm, a disappointment.
I I'm a drunk idiot.
You know? Maybe she's right.
I - Oh, you're gonna go legit? - Well change is good, you know? Can't keep going on like this.
Yeah.
I think I I think I'd like to have kids.
- You think you'd be a good father? - I think I'd be a great father.
What about a husband? - Yeah, there's a problem.
- Yeah.
[Bell dings] Oh, this is us.
Hello.
Uh, Jim Jefferies, extra "e.
" It's j-e-f-f-e-r-i-e-s.
- Steve Nugent.
I'm his witness.
- Uh, you don't need a witness.
Yeah, I know.
- What the hell am I doing here? - I can't stay in line, Steve.
- My mum's dying.
- [Scoffs] Hey, I've got a plan, all right? I I I I could meet a woman.
I I could marry her.
I could get her pregnant.
She'd have the child.
And then, if she could die soon afterwards, that would really be best for everyone, really, because you know, the kid couldn't hate you then, right? "I'm doing my best.
"Your mum's dead," you know? Jesus, Jim, that is cold-blooded, even for you.
I've looked into it.
All right, it's not as easy as you think anyway, all right? It turns out that terminally ill women don't want to get pregnant.
They're all about them and "what they're up to" and their situation high-maintenance, if you ask me.
Selfish, in a way, don't you think? Are you saying you want a woman to die during childbirth? No! I'm not an animal, Steve! You know, like, she could be around for the first few years, until the kid could walk and talk and and get me a beer, you know, and take care of itself.
Oh, how nice.
So she knows the child before she dies.
Exactly.
Yes.
Thank you.
This isn't a bad thing.
This woman's dying anyway.
This is this is good times for this lady.
I'd still have sex with her, even though her hair was coming out in clumps.
- Jim, Jim.
- I would still tell her she looked attractive even though she didn't look attractive.
I'd still lie to her, because I'm a good person.
You know, I'd hold her one titty while we had if that was the case.
Think of the sympathy sex off this woman, how grateful she'd be.
You are such a sick dick.
You know that? Why don't you just try to do something nice for someone for nce? Nice?! Sign here.
- Yeah, nice.
- Compassionate? Kind? Please, all right? I'm taking care of this kid all by myself.
My therapist says if you want to get out of your head, you do something nice for someone else.
Steve? All right? My wife's just died.
Alien.
I'm an alien of extraordinary ability, Steve.
I'm like E.
T.
This is a great country.
I'm sorry.
He's Australian.
So, I could really use the money, so I guess I'll see you guys in a minute.
Uh, that's it.
Thanks, mom.
- Where you going? - Uh, going to see Billy.
- Is he still alive? - You are an asshole, Jim.
No, it's just that I never get to see him anymore.
That's because I put him in a home like a year and a half ago.
- Right, you did.
- Yeah, and I go to see him a couple times a week.
- Do you? - Yeah.
And we talk about it.
- We do? - And he asks about you.
Ah.
I guess he likes you, for some reason.
That's nice.
Billy's, uh, the tall one with the ginger hair and the harsh features? [Sighs] - That's my sister, asshole.
- Ah, sister.
Billy's the short one in the wheelchair.
Yes.
Oh, I like Billy.
I'm glad he's not dead.
Do you want to go? No, it's too depressing.
Come on, man.
Like I said, try to be nice.
- Nice? - Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I'm gonna come.
W w what do I have to do? You don't have to do anything.
It's just your shrink says I should do something nice, and this is nice, right? I don't have to lick your balls or something? - What type of person - What? You! Remember my mother never forgave you for that old wheelchair thing.
Why does she hold a grudge? I don't understand.
You pushed Billy, in his wheelchair, into the water, Jim.
- Billy loved it! - He's paralyzed! Janice, it's so nice to see you again.
Go away, Jim.
Why in the hell did you bring him here? - 'Cause - What the hell were you thinking?! Billy wants to see me.
Jim's here.
Really? Honey, I'm sorry.
Hi, Jim.
[Monitor beeping] [Chuckles nervously] Where the hell have you been? I'm sorry.
[Chuckles] I'm sorry I'm sorry I haven't been around.
Steve told me you were dead.
[laughs] [laughter] Yeah.
Janice, remember when I pushed him into the lake? [laughs] Told you he loved it.
[Coughing, laughing] - I almost drowned.
- Yeah.
Good times.
- Hey, mom? - Yes.
Mm-hmm? Can you, uh, give us a minute? - And take this mask off, please.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
- I don't think that's a good - Come on.
Please.
Okay.
All right, but not for too long, All right? Thanks.
Steve? Oh, yeah, right.
I'll just go with mom and dad and get a bite, then.
I I'm sorry I haven't been around.
No, Jim, it's okay.
It's kind of depressing.
Isn't it? Isn't it, yeah? [Chuckles] I was trying to tell Steve that he wouldn't he wouldn't listen.
He said you liked it here.
[laughs] - Why have you asked to see me? - I have a favor.
- I'm 32 years old, Jim.
- Hey, that's great.
- That is, man.
- Yeah.
That is.
It's amazing.
[Chuckles weakly] Jim.
- That's not the point.
- It's amazing.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm 32 years old, and I've never been laid.
Really? I mean, how could I, man? Well yeah.
Yeah, well, I - never thought of that.
- And you're the only guy I know who would take me to a hooker.
So, I know this is a lot to ask, - but I was wondering - Shh.
- Yes.
- Yes? - Yes! - Really? - Oh, awesome! - Yes.
I was put on this earth to make this happen.
- Hookers and blow, my friend.
- Really? Yeah well, hookers.
Blow.
No no blow for you.
Well, may well, how's your heart? - Jim, it would kill me.
- No, no.
No, no blow.
Just hookers for you, then.
When? Now.
Today.
Immediately.
You never know.
Yes.
But listen.
You can't tell Steve.
He would not understand.
No [bleep].
- What are you, high? - A little, yeah.
Look, he's your brother! [Sighs] You should want to do this for him.
I'm doing it whether you like it.
- Or not.
- It'll kill him.
He's gonna die soon anyway.
- Oh, my God.
- This is a good way for him to go.
Okay, sure.
- We'll have to answer a few questions, but - No.
- Why not? - Well, for starters, my mom.
She already hates you.
That's why I'm the perfect guy to kill your brother.
Good news.
All right.
Listen.
Jim told me about you wanting to get laid.
- You're a dick.
- No! No, no.
- No, it's okay.
I'm all right with it.
I just no sex.
Blowjob only.
No! I want to feel a vagina! Let the man feel a vagina.
- No.
No vagi - No, just like feel No! God, knock it off! No sex! B.
J.
only.
Screw you, Steve.
You're in no position to argue.
Your brother's right.
You really are in no position to argue.
Both: Fuck you, Jim.
No what Billy? - What's he what's he doing? - He just left the room.
- But he just turned his head.
- Well that's all he can do.
- He can't - Oh, Christ.
Why did he leave the room? What did you say? Both: Nothing.
And you know what? If it gets uncomfortable, just say "stop.
" Mom, nothing in this world could be more uncomfortable than this right now.
- Don't don't be funny.
I love you.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
God.
Don't be a stranger, Janice.
- What is wrong with you? - She doesn't hate me.
- Dad.
- Stick it right here.
An STD is the last thing that's gonna kill me.
Oh.
Yeah.
[Chuckles] You told my parents? Yeah, I've been telling everyone.
God, Jim! - No, dad, no.
I don't want that.
- Oh, come on.
It's part of the drill.
I'm never gonna forget this.
Neither is my wife.
What is it with women and sex? No, it's mothers.
They don't understand sex with their sons.
It just [Fun's "Carry on" plays] Your mother used to have sex with her sons? Very good, Jim.
Yeah.
I'm just saying, that could be why he's in the chair to begin with.
Yeah.
That's good, asshole.
This is sick.
It's just sick.
Hey, listen.
I'm not gonna be able to have our daughter tonight.
I have to do something for Billy.
I have to take him to the doctor.
I have to take him to the doctor.
What? No! We're not going to Vegas.
Where did you get that idea? Jim.
You follow him on Twitter.
Of course.
Yes, I do know what I'm doing.
Well, don't listen to my mom, because I'm not going to kill my brother.
Hello? [Sighs] - Let's go! - This I know I never said we are Hey.
Can we take all this stuff off? No.
know you can never look back You can't take the ma it could kill him.
If you're lost and alone Or you're sinking like a stone Carry on We just passed the police.
What is that? [Chuckles] May your past be the sound Of your feet upon the ground Carry on Carry on, carry on No.
I'm not gonna kill my brother.
[Coughs] [Chuckles] I can't move my legs! So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night At a bar off 75 Yeah! Go, Billy, go! Billy won't stop hitting himself, Steve! Billy's wanking now.
He's masturbating in the car.
I'm fucking serious, dude.
I can cheat it off To make up for the times [laughing] And it's nice to know When I was left for dead I was found and now I don't All right, sorry to leave you two, but I'm busting for a piss.
[Indistinct conversations] Hi, everyone.
Sorry.
If everyone can quickly can you all gather around? Oh, short hair, redhead, Tattoos, Asian.
Very nice.
You all look great.
Look, here's the deal.
Outside, I have a severely disabled friend.
If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace.
I assume you don't know your dad.
- How bad is he? - He's yeah.
He's pretty damn bad.
Good for you.
Morals.
Look, just quickly, everyone.
I just need a couple of you.
[Beeping] Quickly, just a show of hands.
Who can't do this? Okay, okay.
I get it.
You have to go hide.
No, it's just that I I just don't want him to be rejected by hookers.
It's nothing personal.
With all due respect, it's just the type of people that you are.
That's all.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Just, please - Take off this damn mask.
- No.
Stop asking.
Just - Come on, man.
- You know what? - Are you kidding? I just asked you nicely! Please stay.
Please? - No, the mask stays on.
- I don't look good in a mask.
Come on.
You look bad-ass.
You're gonna wreck this for me.
No, what's gonna wreck it for you is being dead.
Hey, Billy.
It's, uh morning shift, you know.
Only two girls working.
Which one do you want? I want the one in the green dress.
- Steve? - Yeah? Do either of them have a green dress? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no.
His eyes are messed up.
- He's color-blind.
- He's color-blind? Yeah.
It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.
I want the one in the green dress.
Good choice.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, sorry.
Thank you so much for your time.
You seem very nice.
- I didn't catch your name.
- Paris.
- Really? - [Giggles] No.
It's Wendy.
That's better.
Wendy.
- W what do I do? - "What do I do?" You're the hooker! - Okay.
- All right, Billy.
You need anything at all, we'll be in the bar.
Okay, don't sit on him.
Blowjob only.
You're being a good brother today, man.
- Steve, have a drink.
- No, not yet.
Look, you got heart, mate.
Yeah.
Don't over-think it.
How long does it take Billy to come? I don't know.
He's a virgin.
Shouldn't take too long.
It takes him 2 hours to take a shit, though.
[Chuckles] This is nice.
Yeah, it is.
Kind of depressing.
It is, isn't it? How the hell would I know? How long does it take your brothers to come? - Have you watched? - They're family.
How does Billy get his clothes off? Shit! [Knock on door] I told you it's more for two.
Yeah.
We forgot to take his clothes off.
Oh, right.
[laughs] I totally didn't think of that.
Okay, look.
He, um he needs to be picked up really gently.
- Sure, sure.
- So I'm gonna lift him, and you're gonna have to take his pants off.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can take his pants off.
- No, but you don't know how to do it.
- You're his brother.
But that's not the point.
The point is that he has to be picked up gently, and you don't know how to do it, so Like you've never taken a guy's pants off.
I haven't.
Mom does this better than you.
Ow, bitch! Sorry, buddy.
All right.
You ready? No.
Come on, Jim.
Take my pants off.
So, I'm gonna pick him up, and you pull the pants off.
You ready? Ready? [Straining] 1, 2, 3! [Chair rattles] I don't know, Steve! It's stuck.
Come on, Jim.
Just pick his butt up.
[Slap] [Gagging, coughing] That was my mouth.
That got in my mouth.
- You like that? - No.
Oh, my God! It's 9 1/2 inches! - I know.
- That was that was on the tongue.
I can taste that.
Big cock you got there, Bill.
Yeah, yeah.
Bill's got a big cock.
I I I didn't even know if you could get that to It's not a muscle! It's a mental thing.
He thinks it.
The blood flows, and then that happens, every time.
Wow.
I'm pretty sure that's why the rest of your muscles don't work.
[Chuckles] Sorry, wha sorry, sorry, sorry.
What what's what are we doing? - No light, no sex.
- Yeah.
He's a virgin.
- What's the worst that can happen? - Oh, let her have the light.
- I'm more worried about cleanliness.
- I washed it this morning.
- You did?! - Yes, he did.
Yeah, I even got behind the ball sack.
Look at this guy! - Ow! - What a good brother.
You've got a really good brother, Billy.
You've got a great brother.
Bit gay, but good.
- Didn't you just have a dick in your mouth? - [Chuckles] Yes, he did, Billy.
Yes, he did.
Let's come on.
Yeah.
So, listen, buddy.
If, for any reason, you don't want to do this [ soft music plays] I get it, okay? You just say the word, and we'll pay the man, and we'll leave.
Now, listen to me.
There's something that I want to tell you, and I know that I don't say it enough, so I love you.
Me, too.
Come on.
Love you.
All right? So, if there's anything that you want to say to us, I think maybe now would be a good time.
Leave.
I want to feel your vagina.
- Okay! - No! Blowjob only! [Up-tempo music playing] [Indistinct conversations] Hey.
[Sniffs] What? - What if we did the wrong thing? - We didn't do the wrong thing.
What if he's dying in there? I mean, what if he's not breathing, right? I mean, what if his freaking heart stopped, Jim?! Calm down.
I'll resuscitate him.
- You know how to do that? - How hard can it be, right? Like, push, push, blow, blow.
"I'm awake! Uh, what happened? Uh" Well, it's over! Both: Is he dead? Oh.
Well, I didn't check.
Is that a look of pleasure? No, that is not a look of pleasure.
[Crowd murmuring] I have 13 strangers staring at me, and I don't possess the ability to put away my own cock.
How would you feel? Good point.
- We got to get him dressed.
- No, I've got to clean him up first.
That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
- It was.
- Yeah.
I had his cock in my mouth, so Steve, please? Everybody, get the hell out of here, please? Guys! Guys.
I'll clean him up.
I'll help.
We'll double you up next time.
[laughter] Because we are We are shining stars We are invincible We are who we are On our darkest day [laughing] When we're Miles away So we'll come We will find our way home If you're lost and alone Or you're sinking like a stone - Carry on - Bye, Wendy.
May your past be the sound of Your feet upon the ground And carry on Whoa, whoa, whoa [laughter] That that was a good day.
That was good.
[Sighs] I feel great.
I feel I feel kind, generous, compassionate.
I'm a good guy.
This is gonna work out great for me.
Billy's gonna be the best wingman ever.
Girls are gonna be like, "Oh, you brought your friend in the wheelchair, did you?" And I go, "Oh, he's more than a friend.
He's my best friend.
" Oh, we're gonna get special treatment wherever we go.
The parking's gonna be amazing.
The toilets are gonna be great! We'll be at a ballgame, and people will just get out of the way just, "Here they come! The cripple and his friend, the good guy!" "Everyone, out of the way!" And I'll be like, "No, don't worry about us.
We're okay.
We can make it on our own.
" "No, you can't! You're special! You need special treatment!" And I'll be like, "Thank you for noticing.
Have sex with me.
" No woman's gonna ever be able to refuse! [Siren wailing] Ah, shit.
Is there a problem, officer? There's no problem here, son.
You're an extraordinary young man.
With extraordinary abilities, Sir.
Right on.
["Home is not places" plays] Feel it burn in my soul I'm gonna get so much pussy.
Like a wound that is exposed