Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Family

You know those kids that are, like like, if he was like one.
I.
Q.
Smaller, he'd get benefits, but do you remembr that fat doum ugly boy who coulden't have catch a ball, right? That kid was told he could achieve anything.
Right? You know what they should have done with that kid? They could have gone, "oy, Kevin, you fat prick.
" "Dig a hole, you dumb kid.
" All right, you That up, as well, but no one else wants to "do it, so you got the gig, big boy.
" So, you want to be a better brother? Most of those are kids that hit on that, so they like me.
Do you have any children of your own, Mr.
jefferies? No.
No, no, no.
No, the occasional scare.
You know, you leave it in, you wonder for a week or two, but I do have a disabled friend that I live with, and he's severely disabled not just a little bit "mm," but, like, you know, like Stephen Hawking without the intelligence.
Although his intelligence isn't affected, but he's not that bright.
Can you believe they rejected me? Me! No, Jim, I'm not surprised that an organization that dedicates itself to enriching the lives of disenfranchised youth has rejected you.
That hurts, Steve.
Ramona.
I'm with Steve on this one.
Billy.
You've enriched my life, Jim.
See? Billy life enriched.
Thank you.
Boom! You're welcome.
Anyway, your daughter loves me.
That's true.
Emily does love her Uncle Jim.
That's because she only has to deal with him in small doses.
And because her dad's a complete tool.
Whatever.
Ramona doesn't think I'm a tool.
No comment.
What?! Just because she doesn't call you a tool doesn't mean she doesn't think you're a tool.
Then why did Ramona ask me to speak at her nephew's career day, Jim? I was desperate.
Yes, she was.
You chose him over me? Oh, yes, she did.
Stop trying to be black, Steve.
It's embarrassing.
Clay goes to school in Compton, Jim, where there are gangs and metal detectors.
You chose an encyclopedia salesman over a comedian? It's an online law library.
What's the difference, Steve? Why don't you come to career day with me and find out, dickhead? Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go to career day and listen to you talk about the exciting life of an online encyclopedia salesman to a bunch of black - hey, Jim.
African-American gangbangers from Compton.
I prefer the term "black" to "African-American," and they're all not gangbangers, dickhead.
So, my company, cyber law libraries, allows you and your law firm to access all those law digests right on your laptop.
I know you all know what a laptop is.
It's the machine that you look at porn on, the porn machine.
Oh, yeah, the porn machine.
Okay.
That's enough.
Calm down, please.
Please continue, Mr.
nugget.
It's it's nugent.
And that's it.
I'm that was everything.
- I'm done, so - That's it? That's it.
That's all you've got? Yep.
Well, we still have 15 more minutes before the bell rings.
I can talk about our online forms.
No, thank you.
Uh, does anyone have a question for Mr.
nugent? Anyone? Clay, yes.
You have a question.
Do you know, like, where, uh, arby's is around here? Class, that's enough.
Clay Thomas.
Yes, miss Clark? Do you think you owe Mr.
nugent an apology? I'm sorry for making fun of you, Mr.
New-nut.
I already said "quiet down" once.
You want to see what happens if I have to say it again? Does your friend work with you selling encyclopedias? It's an online law library, so But, no, he's he's a - comedian, so - A comedian? You're a comedian? Yes, I'm a comedian, yeah.
Does anyone want to hear Mr.
nugent's friend Jim tell us about being a comedian? Oh, no.
Yeah! Yes, Jim.
Come, Jim.
Please, come up.
You can go sit down now.
Thank you.
Please.
All right.
Thank you.
Riveting, Steve.
Very good.
You killed.
Could I please have a round of applause for Mr.
Stevie nuggins, everyone? He was great, wasn't he? Uh, my name's Jim jefferies.
I'll tell you about being a comedian.
You don't really have to go to school.
It has nothing to do with grades.
I never went to university or anything like that.
In fact, I didn't finish high school.
You work 20-minute days.
Sort of Thursday through to Saturday.
So, it's about an hour every two weeks, but that's when you're starting out.
And since then, my career's really, fwoo, skyrocketed.
And now I do an hour a night.
And so, I've tripled my work load, so it's like a madhouse.
Yes, Clay? Yeah.
You bring home the cheddar? Yes.
What? Cheddar.
What? Scrilla.
You know, stack and racks.
You know, Benjamins.
Serious.
Oh.
Money.
Yes.
I bring home a lot of money.
I can purchase as many rats or as much cheese as I wish with my Benjamins.
So, what do you do? You just, you know you just tell stories, do what I'm doing now.
You just talk to people.
You try to make things funny.
Okay, for example, this is off the top of my head.
Like, uh, if you want to talk about slurpees, right? You go to buy a slurpee, and you pull out the cup, and then you think to yourself, "wow, for four cents more, I could get a" cup that could fit over my head.
" So, you think, "I'd have to be a dickhead not to get that cup.
" All right? So, you pull out that one.
You put six flavors into it.
You taste it.
It tastes horrible.
But the value is just outstanding, and, you know So, you get to your car with your slurpee.
You're as happy as a pig in shit, and you put the slurpee down next to you.
And here's your first hurdle, right? Your cupholder's not big enough to hold this.
You need a cupholder like a hula-hoop to hold this.
So, you put it on the passenger seat.
The only way you can do it is a drive, bend, drink, get up, hope for the best, right? You got to get into a rhythm.
Up, hope for the best.
Then you get up one time, you see a Bentley in front of you.
You slam on the brake.
Your slurpee goes up into the dash and screws up all the electronics in your orange dodge challenger, and you have to take it to the shop and you haven't seen it for a couple weeks.
And, you know, all that cost you was four cents.
What a bargain.
Oh! Hi, Clay.
Hey, man.
I'm sorry, but Clay got suspended.
And since the little shit can't be trusted by himself or with his hoodlum friends for five minutes, I decided to bring him with me to work today.
Don't stare.
It's okay, dude.
I'd stare at me, too.
Don't encourage him.
Damn.
And you're not wearing your oxygen.
Yet somehow I'm still able to breathe.
What'd you get suspended for? For not showing up.
So, to punish you, they're gonna make you not show up to school.
Geez, that'll teach you.
Sit your little ass down.
And you! Ow! What was that for? You bored him to death.
Turn off this game.
He's not allowed to play any games.
He's being punished! No, I can play games.
I haven't been punished.
Can I talk to you for a minute, Jim? Now! So, Clay, how are the honeys? Don't do that.
Why not? What? That boy can't stop talking about how you made the whole class laugh last week.
So? He thinks that you're some kind of Jesus.
Not the kind of Jesus "thank you, lord" that walked upon the water.
No.
Not the kind of Jesus "thank you," that miracled the loaves, that fed the multitude with fish.
But the kind of Jesus that stands up on stage with filthy trash coming out of his piehole! Okay, I didn't even know there was that type of Jesus.
If I did, I would have been on board years ago.
What was that for? Blasphemy.
Jesus.
Okay! All right! That boy don't know his daddy, and his mama got more problems than I can count! Come on.
Like he can count.
Okay.
That's good.
Uh What would you like me to do? Fix it.
What? Me? How? This started with you.
And he's starting to get noticed by the wrong kind of people, and that could get him killed in my neighborhood.
It's just a couple of days off school.
Okay.
It's time for your sponge bath.
You want to give me a happy ending? Do you want a slap upside the head instead? No, ma'am.
Get that out of his hands.
Get bloody hell, Clay.
Steve! He said he had a prescription.
Clay, all the things I said in the school the other day, they all aren't true.
You got to work really hard in life.
But you didn't.
Yes, I did.
You didn't finish school.
That doesn't mean that I didn't work hard.
I stayed in school.
Look where that got you.
Selling encyclopedias.
Man, they're not encyc whatever.
What I'm trying to say is, anything worth getting in life is worth working hard for.
You think this all just came to me? I busted my hump to get to this stage in life.
What? You think I came from some type of privileged background? Growing up on the mean streets of Sydney, I used to have to get on the 207 and change to get on the 44 just to get to the bloody beach! Transit system in that country sucks.
Yo, why would anyone want to go to the beach? Why wouldn't you want to go to the beach? It's the beach.
You know, where the sand hits the water and the water there's girls there.
Wait, you've never been to the beach? Nah.
I never been to the beach.
You live in L.
A.
and you've never been to the beach? No.
Yo, I ain't riding in that.
Yeah, I'm not going in that, either.
Come on.
My car's in the shop.
Let's just take Todd's car.
No, I'm only supposed to turn it over twice a week while he's on vacation.
Well, let's turn the engine over while we go to the beach.
I don't want to.
Come on.
You got to see the beach once.
Hi.
It's nice down here, huh? Yeah.
No shit.
Heh.
So, why have you never been here before? My friend said this is what rich white people do.
They do know it's free, right? Listen, Clay.
It's important who you hang out with.
People judge you by your friends.
Hang out with stupid people, they'll make you do dumb things.
Take Steve, for instance.
What? Think I should probably get this car back.
Hey, Steve.
Yeah? II think this is a picture of your ex-wife.
Oh! Oh, my God! On the kitchen table? That's my kitchen table where I eat! Well, he is eating.
Son of a bitch! Wait, wait, wait.
So, the guy who car this is has been nutting your wife? Rich white people can suck my big, fat dick! What? What are you doing, you little psychopath? Give me that.
Good work, Steve.
Georgia, I hope you die, you whore! You ruined my life, you bitch! Nice, slaphead.
Thank you.
Do you feel better now? Not yet.
All right.
- Oh, my - Whoo-hoo-hoo! Suck my toe! Oh, you slut.
Oh, you dirty whore! Clay, do you remember what I said about friends getting you into trouble? Oh, come on, man.
He's just mad aggro 'cause some fool went and macked on his woman.
Son of a bitch! I feel it.
This is a great example of someone getting angry and doing something stupid.
Steve! Steve? Steve, you got to slow down.
Dirty whore! Do it, slaphead! Slow down! Slaphead! Okay, Steve's angry now.
You see how he's angry? He's driving erratically.
Bitch! When your friends get dumb and mad, you can get caught up in it.
Yeah, but what if it's fun? Yeah, but first, is it stupid? Yo, my homies get angry all the time over some dumb shit.
And then they shoot them.
Sounds like a good idea.
No way to resolve an argument, Clay.
Son of a bitch! Bastard! Jesus Christ, Steve! Son of a dick licker! Okay.
What about drugs? What about them? Do any of your friends take them? Oh, that ain't no biggie, man.
I know where to get some coke.
Do you? Yeah! Okay, well, maybe we should go get some of that, and I can tell you why that's wrong.
Yeah, yeah! Go, go! I got it! When your friends act stupid, you do dumb things.
Oh, shit! You're judged by the people you hang out with.
Yo! 5-0! Move, move, move! Clay! Not if I ain't here.
Clay! Clay, where are you going?! Hey, hey, hey! You two in the car, step out of the vehicle with your hands on top of your heads! Now! Hands on the hood! Passenger, hands on the hood! That's the hood.
There you go.
You two guys want to tell me what the hell is going on here? We were just driving around.
Wait, wait.
Wait a second.
You're Jim jefferies? Yeah.
The comedian? Yeah.
Oh, man.
I loved your hbo special.
Thank you.
"Up, gunta! Up!" Hear that? He loved my hbo special.
Whoa.
Who's she? It's my ex-wife.
And the guy on top of her? My neighbor, Todd.
Todd's actually a pretty good guy.
Shut up.
Yeah.
It seems like it.
Is that his car? Damn right.
That is why we were banging into shopping carts, officer, sir.
Well, I don't blame you.
You will fix the car.
Sure.
Right? You will fix the car.
Yeah.
All right.
Let them go.
You seen the one in the hammock? Which one is that? All right.
Keep going through.
There you go.
Wow.
Billy's room.
Damn it, you two.
Where's Clay? Uh we lost him? You did what?! What happened was, we got pulled over by the cops.
Oh, my God.
Clay is running from the police? Well, it's not as bad as it sounds.
It's a oh, it's a funny story.
You're gonna laugh at this.
You're gonna laugh.
Um, we take him to the beach like you asked us to do.
Uhhuh.
And no one wanted to be in Steve's car, so we had to borrow a car.
You know Todd over the road? Oh, I like Todd.
I love Todd.
Yeah, everybody loves Todd! Todd's a great guy.
But he has flaws.
We were in the car, and we opened the glove box, and there was a camera in there.
Remember the camera? He's got - yeah.
I got the camera.
Yeah? On the camera, there's literally hundreds of pictures of Steve's wife having sex with Todd.
Oh, damn, baby.
I'm sorry.
Awesome.
Understandably, he got very angry.
Um, lost control, I'd say.
And I thought at that stage, what a great lesson for Clay, you know? I was like, "look at Steve.
" He's a bad influence.
This is what happens, Clay, when you hang around with the wrong "crowd.
" And I think that really, really hit home.
And where the hell is Clay? We did lose Clay.
He just ran.
Look, you should be proud of him.
He's very fast, athletic, like a whippet.
What the hell, Clay? Sorry.
Jim, hit him.
What was that for? For being stupid and running from the police while being black.
Lesson to be learned there.
Never run and be black.
Steve, would you do that? Not not while black.
No.
Shut up! You need to get the hell out of here before I start getting really angry.
Don't wreck anything, and don't get arrested! Holy shit.
Look at this.
Looks like she's in Hawaii.
Oh, he took her to Hawaii.
Great! I never took her to Hawaii.
Oh! Therein lies the rub, man.
Yo, man, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Ask away.
You make a lot of cheddar standing up in front of people and cussing at them? I do all right at it, but it's not just swearing, Clay.
It's I'm a storyteller.
I tell stories to people.
What kind of stories you tell? Stories about your life, stories about what you've been up to, stories about your trials, your tribulations, your family, girls you've slept with.
Just stories, you know? Stories.
Can you take me someplace? Okay.
We'll get some coke, but this is one-off thing.
Man, I don't want no coke.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that sentence.
Skiing? Man, come on.
What are you doing? I'm doing you a favor.
What are you doing? Oh, come on! Let's sit down.
Clay, you get why white people go to the beach now, right? This isn't without its charms.
Got entertainment over there.
Fighting with a trash can.
Shut up.
It looks like she's losing.
Give it back! She's doing her best.
Hey, shut the hell up, all right? You don't know shit about her! She probably left her baby in there.
Dude, that's my mom, you assholes! Sorry, Clay.
We don't know that's your mom.
How do we know that's your mom? It's just a joke.
It's nothing personal, Clay.
I'm a comedian.
I make jokes.
It doesn't mean that I hate the world or I think everyone's bad.
I'm just making jokes about things.
Remember how I told you I tell stories? Yeah.
So? I'm gonna tell you a story.
I'm gonna tell you the story of gunta.
Yeah? Who's gunta? Gunta's my mom, all right? When I was a young boy, my mother took me and my two older brothers out to see the moscow circus.
Now, there was an elephant in the moscow circus called gunta.
Now, the circus master used to stand in front of gunta and go "up, gunta! Up!" And the elephant used to rise onto its legs.
Great bloody show.
From that moment on, me and my brothers referred to my mom as gunta.
Never to her face, but we'd start sentences as "when's gunta" coming home? What's gunta making for dinner? Don't do that.
"Gunta will catch you.
" One time, my mother was in a chair.
The movie we were watching is "the blob," the old one with Steve McQueen.
Now, you know the scene where the blob's oozing out of the cinema? My brother turns to my mother and goes, "that's you, mom.
" That's you.
" And me and my brother laugh like it's the funniest thing that's ever been said, because at the time, there's a good chance it was.
My mother looks over at my brother and goes, "think you're" too old for a smack across the head, you little bastard?!" And then she tries to get out of her chair, but she's so fat and so angry, she can't get any purchase, so she's just rocking from side to side going, "I hate you, kids.
" My brother knows that he has so much time to run away that he gets up, turns to me and winks, and goes, "up, gunta! Up!" That's the story of gunta.
It's a lot better on stage.
Yo, man, that shit for real? Yeah, it's a true story.
That's for real.
Your mom crazy, man.
That's why I'm a comedian, you see? Because your mom's crazy, that's why you're a comedian? That's why anyone's a comedian.
All the good comics have had some type of tragic life to them.
You know, you see this situation here, right? This isn't your fault, Clay.
That's that's out of your hands.
You got a few choices.
You can get angry at this you can and lash out at the world, or you can just laugh at it.
You know, crying or laughing.
That's all you got.
Why'd you bring us out here, Clay? Do you live around here? I used to.
I now live with Ramona.
Why did Ramona take you? 'Cause of this.
Oh.
It's a bullet wound from a drive-by.
I got you beat, man.
See this? I got that from adrive-through.
A repeat offender.
I got you both beat.
Check this out.
See it? No, I don't see nothing.
It's a broken heart from my bitch ex-wife.
Mm-hmm.
Clay, that wasn't funny, either.
No.
Not at all.
Sometimes pain plus pain equals Steve.
So it's lonely growing up with a single mom.
I'm really nervous.
But luckily my mom's a schizophrenic, so it's like having nine of her.
You know, my mom loves to argue.
She'll argue with just about anybody or anything.
Like, uh, invisible people that only she can see or a trash can.
You would be surprised how long she can argue with a trash can.
And she loses.
I'm living with my aunt Ramona right now, right? And she took me to this Russian circus the other day, and there was this big, fat-ass elephant named gunta.
"And I was thinking, like, " she kind of looks like my aunt.
"I'm gonna start calling her gunta.
" That's my bit.
So, she's sitting in this chair, right, the other night.
She's sitting down, and she's trying to get up.
But she weighs so much He stole my bit.
"- that I'm like, " up, gunta! Up!" Right? I'm looking at her.
I was just dying, and she don't even know