Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hoarders

All right, we need to stop by my mom's real quick.
Oh, no.
That's too depressing.
Oh, no, I want to see yourdad.
I like his style.
I just need to pick up some records and other shit I can sell on ebay.
Yeah, like you're really gonna find those.
No one wants your Anthrax or your dokken albums.
It's "dokken".
It rhymes with "rockin'.
" What did I say? They're relevant, too, for your information.
And they're way better thancrowded house or oasis.
Besides, what about my baseball cards? Those are worth something! Crowded house rocks.
Mom, it's me.
Let me in.
What is Jim doing here? Hi, Janice! I just came to get some of my stuff.
Can I come in, please? Just you! Don't touch that.
Let's go around back and see if my dad's at home.
Hey, dad.
Ahh, hey, Billy! Hey, Jim! G'day, Walter.
What are you doing out here trying to get outside for a bit, eh? - Well, not exactly.
Uh - When's the last time you went in? I don't know.
It's been awhile.
You want a beer? Yeah.
Got the cooler right here.
Ah, shit! That's why I hate mondays.
Mondays? Yeah, she gives me my beer on Tuesdays, just like clockwork.
That's nice of her.
Brand-new sixer every week.
Whether I need it or not.
I'm waiting for one of those "not" weeks.
What does she only give you a six-pack for? Ah, she doesn't want me to ruin my boyish figure Or end up like one of those "alchies" out on the street.
Hey, dad! Hey, Stevie! What are you up to? Oh, watching the game over here and trying to find a beer for Jim, but it looks like I got to wait till tomorrow.
Oh, why? You could just come inside.
There's a whole bunch in here.
They got beer in there? Oh, yeah.
I'm not sure that'd be such a good idea, there, Stevie.
All right.
Hey, Jim, can you come in here? I need your help for a second.
You're gonna go in? Yeah, I guess so.
I wouldn't.
Uh Hey, look, Jim, I'm not saying it's a good idea, but if you see any beer in there, could you bring me out a new sixer? You got it, Walter.
Good to see you, dad.
Yeah, you you too, son.
What the hell? This is insane.
Sorry to burst in on you like this, Janice.
I assumed if you knew I was coming over, you would have cleaned up a bit.
If I don't acknowledge your existence, maybe you'll just go away.
Psst! Come here.
Hey, don't bring that up.
Don't bring what up? The fact that my mom's a little messy.
A little messy?! She's a full-blown hoarder! No, she's not! She's a collector! This is all very organized.
She knows where everything is.
She just told me my baseball cards are in here somewhere.
That's bunnies.
This one's dolls.
Socks? Shit.
Mom, they're not in here! Well, then, obviously, you must have moved something! What I haven't lived here for years! Check the closet! Steve? Steve.
What? There's something seriously wrong with this picture.
What it's not nearly as bad as it used to be, believe me.
She used to have stuff piled up around here so bad you couldn't even find my bed.
There's no bed in here, Steve.
Yes, there is.
There isn't.
There's no bed.
It's under there somewhere.
Steve, there's no bed.
Mom, where's my bed?! Which bed? The bed in the bedroom.
My bed! Why? You're not planning on moving in with your father and I, are you? No! I just want to know! Well, I got rid of all the beds.
They were were just cluttering up the place, along with all those record albums and baseball cards of yours.
You threw out my stuff?! I might have just put them outside.
I mean, there was so much junk, it was just all over the place.
Oh, no, she didn't.
When did this happen? I don't know.
It was right after you went back to Australia.
Look, it's not that bad.
She's selling all this stuff.
It's very valuable Like my records and baseball cards.
Snails, huh? Snails.
Fine dinin'.
Huh? Ugh.
Don't eat the mushrooms, though.
I ate one once.
Aw, I got sick.
I got sick.
Saw some strange things.
You know Jesus had a dog named "tippy"? What happened to your family? Walked on the water.
Dog followed him, drowned right on the spot.
Hey, you guys hungry? Got some snails escargot.
What dad? Oh, hey, some of that stuff might have gotten a little damp before I got the tarp on it.
A little wet? Wawa Walter, how can you deal with this? Deal with what? How long have you been living in the backyard? I don't live in the backyard.
Sometimes I stay in the backyard.
How often? Every now and then.
Tell the truth, dad.
All right Just about every night.
My God, man, where's your dignity? See, look, it's not like I had to move out of the house.
Sure, it's nice to live in a house, but I'm an outdoorsy kind of guy.
I'll be all right.
I mean, look I got a tent, and I got a cooler.
I got a television set.
I got an air mattress.
It leaks a little bit, but I got the duct tape.
Outdoorsy! Billy, tell me that you're seeing this the same way that I'm seeing it.
It's insane.
I know.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
We're talking about mom, dad.
We're talking about mom.
Look, this one's still good.
That one does look good.
Hey, that's a "faster pussycat"! When was the last time you slept under your own roof? Okay, uh It's 2013 now.
Mike Tyson bit that boy's ear off.
The marlins were the world series champions.
Billy was still walking.
'97, dad.
You can't live like this, Walter.
It's not that bad.
He's an outdoorsy guy.
Hey, outdoorsy.
That's right, Stevie.
Your dad's sleeping in a tent! With a leaky air mattress! Look at all your stuff your records, your baseball cards! All this shit's ruined.
Well, not all of them.
Dad, Jim's right.
You can't live like this.
"Live like this"? What do you mean like a man living off the land? Like a king? Walter, this is no way to spend your retirement.
Oh, no.
Dad's not retired anymore.
Shut up, Billy! Hey, I don't like you guys fighting like this.
No, dad, face it you're not retired anymore because mom blew through your savings by buying all that shit! Walter, you're too old to be working as a roofer.
I'm not working as a roofer.
I got a pretty good job down at the discount save and sell.
I'm a greeter.
Now, there's a bigger outfit I want to work for.
I can't tell you what their name is, but I can tell you that the name does rhyme with "pal" -mart.
Now, that's a tough nut to crack.
You see, you got to know somebody on the inside.
Jim, you got to have connections.
It's corporate politics.
It's just the way it is.
We all need to talk about what's going on here.
Give it up, Jim.
Mom had to put me in a home because social services wouldn't let me live here anymore! Now, Billy, you know that's not true.
That's completely true, and you know it! All right, so, your mother has a few quirks.
Okay, this has got to stop.
We're having an intervention.
Jim, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Do it, Jim.
Boys, boys, boys.
Janice, you can't make your husband live outside.
Okay, he's 68 years old.
You're making him still go to work.
He likes to work.
Besides, it's better than living in this house.
Yeah, well, she's got a point there, you know.
You keep telling us how poor you are, and yet you keep spending all your money on all this shit.
Well, it's my money! What if I should die tomorrow? I'd like to enjoy myself.
Well, you have money.
You don't need my inheritance.
But what about dad? What if dad were to live for another 20 years? What would he live on? Your dad doesn't need much.
He can live on an oily rag.
She knows me well, she does.
But why do you need all this shit? Because this "shit" is for my grandchildren.
Grandchildren? You mean Emily? 'Cause that's the only grandkid you're ever gonna have.
You never know.
Mom, I had a vasectomy.
You had a vasectomy? Right after Emily was born.
Who has a vasectomy after one child? It was Georgia's idea.
You know, all of this stuff I bought was for you guys.
- Oh - I bought nothing for myself! Please! All you ever do is buy and buy and buy.
I've never seen you sell a damn thing.
Just look around you! Well, it doesn't seem to bother your father, does it, Walter? No.
Well, of course it doesn't bother him.
He doesn't know how much any of this cost.
Yeah, he's he's right.
I'm not that good with money.
You guys are ganging up on me.
No, I'm not ganging up on you.
No, they are.
And this one over here this ungrateful person from Australia.
I thought an exchange student would broaden your horizons, but look at you two.
I have broadened their horizons, haven't I? Oh, yeah.
You taught them how to do drugs and have sex with prostitutes.
Well, I try.
You know, maybe they're not "pro" yet, but I'm doing my best.
You disgust me.
Mom? Mom! You can't keep living like this.
Like what? Mom, you know why Emily never wants to visit? Because her mother is a harping witch of a woman who keeps her from coming to visit.
No! It's because she's afraid of all this stuff.
She's afraid of you.
Me? Oh, I'm her grandmother.
Yes, you are her grandmother.
You are her creepy, pack-rat, hoarding grandmother.
It's time to clean all this up.
For your information, I clean this place every other Saturday.
Yeah, she does.
I can hear the vacuum cleaner way out in the backyard.
Walter, have you ever heard of "enabling"? No.
But if I could help you with that question, I would.
Never mind.
Mom? This has got to stop.
You got to get rid of all this shit.
Period! Do you agree with them, Mr.
Benedict Arnold? Uh, uh It could use some spring cleanin' You know.
If that's what everybody wants, then fine.
Let's get rid of it.
We'll get rid of all of it! All of this stuff! All of it! That went well.
How long you two been married for? Well, happy anniversary.
I'll take that.
I have a box of receipts.
I'm sure you do.
They're in the kitchen, and I know exactly where they are, too.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Oh, this is embarrassing.
You have no idea the can of worms you just opened.
No idea, whatsoever.
Nonsense! This is gonna be fun! This is gonna be fun? Yeah.
Loads and loads of fun.
So, what do we do now? Now We get to work.
I'm gonna go in the tent.
- Dad - If you're smart, you'll come with me.
Don't even think about it, you big pussy.
Oh, no, Steve.
I need this.
Why do you need this one? Because it reminds me of your brother.
Why do you need a reminder of me when you still have me? Okay, fine.
No, no, no.
I need these, Jim! They're from 1980! This was the year that Billy was born! Okay, so what's Billy's birthday? May 18th.
We'll keep that one, Chuck out the rest.
No, I-I-I need these.
Why? It reminds me of everything that happened that year.
Oh, God.
Okay, fine.
We can get rid of those.
Proud of you, mom.
Making progress.
Yeah, way to go, mom.
Yeah, thanks.
This is taking longer than I thought.
Tell me about it.
Look at these.
Why does she keep old photos? I don't know.
I'm tossing them.
Look what I found.
That's Emily's! No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Mom used to dress Steve up like a little girl.
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
Gimme! We had a sister.
With the ginger hair and the harsh features? Eunice.
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, she lives in Seattle.
I haven't heard any of this! It's a touchy subject.
Sister called eunice lives in Seattle.
I haven't heard any of this.
Way to go.
I can't believe you boys would do this to me.
I got into college?! Is that what it says? Yes, that's what it says! Well, I guess that's why I saved it, then.
I got into college.
Eh, good for you, son.
I can't imagine the good times you would have had.
I found sex toys.
Oh, my God.
Those are Walter's.
Here you go, Walter.
Where'd you find these? Bottom of the closet down the hall.
Oh, I haven't laid eyes on these since Well, remember those key parties we used to have with the neighbors? I most certainly do not.
Oh, come on.
Sure you do.
Late '70s? Betty, that little ViXen.
Ohh, good times we had.
Well, till that girl drowned in the pool.
Put the kibosh on everything.
Still, good times.
Don't be ridiculous.
Um, if I'm not mistaken, those are for your back.
I don't have a bad back.
Oh, hey, remember that girl and the guy in the leather mask? They were for your stooped shoulders.
I don't have any stooped shoulders.
Um, from that, yeah, fancy air mattress thingy you had.
I don't have a stoop.
Maybe a little slouch.
Okay, stop showing off in front of the boys! You don't have to make any excuses for me.
It'd be nice if you made one for me.
Stop talking! Janice, they said the most hoarded things in the world are vibrators, dead cats, old food, junk mail, dolls, bears.
Why feel bad? You're a sexual being like everyone else in this room.
With the exception of Steve, of course.
Walter, toss those in the garbage.
Are you sure? Walter, toss those in the garbage right now! All right.
Tell me about the guy in the leather mask.
Oh, yeah, the gay guy.
You know, it's a shame they took the rainbow from us.
I'd put one on my car now if I could.
Hey, Betty! How are you? Doing a little spring cleaning over here.
In fact Remember this? Good times! Giddy-up! Whoo-hoo! Ah, poor thing.
She hasn't been happy in years.
Probably still upset over her kid drowning in the pool.
Anyhoo, Janice wasn't always like this.
She used to be fun, used to love to party maybe a little bit too much, okay.
But once Billy was diagnosed with m.
, she sort of blamed herself.
But you can't get m.
From partying too much.
Try telling her that.
The older you get, the more things you have to give away, Jim.
Look, we know he's not gonna be with us forever.
Maybe that's why she hangs on to everything so tightly.
Walter, who's eunice? Well, you finally found out about eunice, did you? Whoa, yeah, pretty girl.
Lot of hair ginger.
Yeah, she's a ginger, all right.
Full head of fiery, red hair.
Yeah, she wasn't afraid to stick up to her mother.
No, siree.
The day she turned 18, she was out of here.
As a matter of fact, that was just before you showed up.
Yeah, eunice just didn't like the way Janice treated her.
And, you know, her best friend drowning in the pool Eh Kind of ruin your day, I guess.
All r this can go.
No, it can't.
Whwhy not? Yeah, mom.
Why the hell not? Because, uh, you may need to use some of these things someday.
I'm no doctor, but I'm going to say that Billy has outlived the use of those crutches.
Well, that's for sure.
That was Michael caine.
He's not.
I am.
Well, what if - mom, even if I wake up tomorrow and they've discovered a cure for muscular dystrophy, it's too late for me! It's not too late, sweetie.
It is never too late.
Okay, let's say that he's wrong and you're right.
Those crutches are too small for him, anyway.
Not necessarily so.
Mom! Fine.
Then I'll order some bigger ones.
Janice, can I speak to you for a minute alone? Absolutely not.
When was the last time you talked to eunice? Who's eunice? Your daughter eunice, the ginger one, the one that lives in Seattle that eunice.
The reason why I am not talking to her is because she doesn't talk to me.
And why would that be? How should I know? You'll have to ask her.
You know why I became an exchange student? I have no idea what goes on in that brain of yours, Jim.
Not the slightest idea.
To get away from my family.
If you are trying to make a point, then why don't you just say it already? My point is, we're gonna clean this place up, okay? And you're gonna keep it clean.
You're not bringing any more shit into the house.
And if you keep on doing this, I'm gonna start talking about you being a hoarder onstage.
You wouldn't! I would.
One more thing.
What? I really need to see a picture of Steve dressed as a girl.
I don't have any.
Oh, geez, you know I had a bunch.
Rodney bought them all.
Must be state money.
Well, there's a small boat made of China It's going nowhere on the mantelpiece Well, do I lie like a lounge room lizard? Or do I sing like a bird released? I got it.
Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you Everywhere you go, always take the weather Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you You don't need to take that whole thing.
always take the weather - I just need - the weather with you Get that from her! No.
No! No.
Give that back.
Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you What do you mean ***? Your dad still living in the backyared.
So, we're taking this stuff ***, arn't we? No way.
This is my collection.
Alright, I'm gonna sell all this stuff.
Most of it.
Whao, hot night.
*** 86.
*** ***