Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Fatherhood

Jesus, Jim.
Push it down! Billy, you're being a pain in the ass today.
I'm sorry, Jim, but you're leaving and I can't move the pillow myself, so I want to make it right.
I'm sorry.
I know I know this sucks for you.
Gee, thanks, Jim.
Thanks for mentioning it, it does suck.
Look, how is it now? It's good.
I'm sorry for being a Dick.
Where's Ramona, anyway? She's never here anymore.
Oh, I gave her the afternoon off.
You know, she's still dating that Eddie kid you know, the personal trainer? Dude's like 300 pounds now.
Do you ever picture them having sex? No! Like just two big blobs just smashing into each other? Shut up.
Who? Who's that? Ramona.
And that fat shit, Eddie.
Oh, my God! That's disgusting.
That's like a mudslide doing it with the shmoo.
What's the "shmoo"? You don't know the shmoo? No.
Man, you guys missed out.
Hello? Hi.
Can I help you? Is this where Jim jefferies lives? Yes.
Yes, he does.
Wait, wait.
Hi.
Well You know, I had a good run.
This was this was gonna happen sooner or later.
What? You're pregnant.
Yes, I am.
Yes, she is.
Ah, look, I gotta be honest.
I don't even really remember us having I'm a blackout drunk, so I don't I don't remember us having sex.
No, we never We never did.
It's Steve's! Uh, she's pretty hot.
I think I'd remember doing that.
Thanks! Besides, I had a vasectomy! How many times do I have to tell you this? He did.
He's had a vasectomy.
He hasn't had sex for like nine months! It's not his baby.
What are you even here for? Wendy.
Hi, Billy.
Who's Wendy? Who's what's Wendy? Wendy's my first love from Vegas.
The Hooker from Vegas! Yes! I'm not a Hooker anymore.
Well Not like that, you can't.
That would be paying for a threesome.
Wait.
What the hell are you doing here? Billy's the father.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Wendy.
You having a hard time getting comfortable? Yeah.
I'm just so big.
Yeah, you are.
I have a hard time getting comfortable, too.
Yeah, really? Why? Because I can't move.
Oh, right.
Okay, I have a few questions here that just need to be answered.
I want to hear the details.
Okay, you only had a blowjob, right? She can't get pregnant from a blowjob! That's not all we did.
Really? What else? And you didn't wear a condom? Well, Billy's so huge, the condom broke.
Wow, Billy.
You know, sex could have killed you.
I told you I wanted to feel a vagina.
Yeah, he did.
And he's so huge.
That's how I remember him.
She remembered me because I got a huge cock.
Yes! I heard her, Billy.
Hello! I'm here! Open up! It's me! Oh, God.
Oh, great.
Hi.
Billy, I don't think I can pick up these medical supplies anymore.
Your father's back, and then my Mother's getting sick, and Ah! There is a God.
Well, Jim Oh, this is so unexpected.
You know, with you throwing your seed around like a farmer on a field.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't mean to be inappropriate, but congratulations.
Thank you.
Janice, I'm really happy So am I.
To tell you It's not mine.
Oh, my God.
No, Steve! Mom! Well, you're gonna give me another grandchild that I don't see? You are such an asshole! The baby is not mine.
Rodney's? Yeah, it's mentally challenged Rodney's baby.
So disgusting.
I know mentally challenged Rodney! You know Rodney? Yeah, he's really nice.
I'm gonna put it in ya! I'm gonna kill him.
That's him! The baby's mine, Mom.
Billy! But How did this happen? You know when you said it was a bad idea for me and Steve to take Billy to Vegas to see a prostitute? Well, turns out you're right, grandma.
Jim, stop it.
Oh, God.
You have to take some blame.
None of this would have happened if Billy died in Vegas like he said he would.
Oh, my God.
What did I do? What did I do? A Hooker-r-r-r!! That's Janice.
She's available for babysitting, so that's handy.
You have someone in the area.
You know, you can just drop him off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you have to say for yourself, Mister? Huh? I'm kind of excited.
Really? Yes! A permanently disabled man and a Hooker?! Mom! Oh, shut up, Steve! And if you say anything, I'm gonna slap you.
I'm on your side! Look at the positives, okay? If it's a boy, you can give it a tent.
Jim, don't.
And if it's a girl Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, I've been wanting to do that for years, Jim.
Mother, please.
Please what?! Who's gonna take care of this baby, huh? You?! Oh, and me.
He can't even wipe his own ass! I don't really mind.
I can help him with that.
Helpful.
Oh, God.
Take me now.
He's not gonna help you! Who's gonna pay for this baby her hooking? I can't! I quit.
Billy could hook! He's on many people's bucket list.
I've had this idea for years.
"Bucket list hookers.
" Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! That's it.
You better take a paternity test.
Yeah, I've got two idiots as sons.
And I have a husband who sleeps in a tent.
Well, I think that idea's a winner.
Wendy? Yeah? Can we have sex? Sure.
Great idea.
Yeah, it is.
But you have to wear a condom this time.
Why's that? Because I don't want twins, silly.
See? Thoughtful.
Billy.
What? How's she look naked? Steve, stop it.
I love pregnant women.
Okay, y-you're crossing into "creepy" now.
Well, pregnant sex is awesome, isn't it? I don't know.
I've never done it.
Can you imagine Billy having sex with her with his cock? That kid's head's gonna be smashed.
Awesome.
Yeah, I have to say it was pretty great.
I have to go to the bathroom all the time.
Oh, wow.
Jim, hit Steve.
W-what? Stop it, creeper.
You're getting weird.
I think it's cute how he likes pregnant ladies.
Wanda wenderson? Wendy.
Her name is Wanda.
That's the greatest white-trash name of them all.
Do you All need to be here? Well, we're all involved in this.
Not physically, but, you know, supporting Takes a village.
This okay with you? Oh, yeah.
It's fine.
All right.
Let's get going.
Whice of you would be the father? Oh, I am.
Oh.
Congrats.
Thanks, man.
And how many partners have you been with? Uh, three? I-I bought you three.
I got you the blowjob on your birthday.
Four.
Oh, right, right, right.
Four uh, two blowjobs and two vaginals.
Two vaginals? Billy, that's gonna kill you.
That's true, so four blowjobs, two vaginals, but four total people.
Write that down.
I want credit for that.
Four blowjobs, two vaginals.
And he gave him a hand-job.
Well That doesn't count.
Mom walked in.
Stop.
Yeah, that was Okay, we'll just say three.
Okay.
Collectively, three.
Yeah.
Cool.
And Mom? Um, none in the last three months Okay, none.
But before that Uh, four a day, five times a week, so that would be I find it's easier if you carry the one when I'm counting it out.
Oh, okay.
Figure a way to Did you want me to go back further? No! No, I Doctor, she's a prostitute.
Yeah, I kind of gathered that.
Okay, I'm gonna run some tests.
Uh, what test? All of them.
Probably wise.
Come on, Janice.
Steve sent me.
Oh, of course he did.
Hey, Walter! You have raised such a pussy with Steve! Oh, hey, Jim.
G'day, Walter.
You want a beer? Yeah, yeah, I need a beer.
Ah, put that back.
I'm not taking your last beer.
Suit yourself.
Walter! Hmm? Billy's having a baby.
My Billy? Yeah, wheelchair Billy.
How'd that happen? With a prostitute.
Having a baby with a prostitute.
Well, there ya go.
Who says you can't buy love, huh? Yeah.
Does she know? Yeah.
Yeah.
That's why she's so pissed off.
So I'm gonna go discuss this with Janice.
You're a brave man, Jim.
Good luck with that.
Janice, it's your grandchild.
Go away, Jim.
One you can actually see.
She's a nice girl, Janice.
She's made a few mistakes in her life, but we all have.
You're gonna have to get along with this girl if you're ever gonna see your grandchild.
Look on the bright side.
Even if it's a boy, you can dress it like a girl like you did Steve.
[ Birds of Tokyo's "lanterns" Go away, Jim.
You can come out now, Walter.
Uh-huh.
She seems to have softened a bit.
Thanks a lot, Jim.
I've never seen her so mad.
Could I see the ultrasound? Walter? Just, uh, pretend you can't hear her, Jim.
Walter!! That's what I do.
Oh, good-looking kid.
Reminds me of my dad.
Walter! Mind if I hold onto it? - How about Alana? - Well, I still like "Merlin".
Me, too.
"William Jr.
" Oh, hell, yeah.
All right, stop.
"Gout.
" What? Let it sit.
Think about it.
Gout nugent he's a tough guy.
You're not gonna pick a fight with a guy called "gout.
" Gout's got a big Dick, but he can fix things.
He's a romantic, though.
"Always buys flowers for girls" gout.
There is my little baby carrier-r-r-r! Wow! Yeah.
Thank you! They're so pretty.
Oh, you're welcome.
Baby carrier? Really, Mom? Well, she's carrying my grandchild.
Yeah.
So, is there anything that I can get you? Anything I can do for you? Uh, Steve, why don't you get her a pillow? I'm fine, Mrs.
Nugent.
Oh, you must call me "Mom.
" Wow, really? Yes, we're family now.
I'm sorry.
Who are you? What's happening, dude? I don't know.
I-I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for acting the way I did.
I was just in shock with all the news.
Wow.
Do you have any family? No.
You do now.
Oh, thanks.
Okay.
That's so nice.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you know if it's a boy or girl? Oh, no.
I'm old-fashioned.
Oldest profession in the world.
Really? It is! Oh, okay.
We were just thinking of baby names.
Oh, really? If it's a girl, "Molly," and it's a boy, "Merlin.
" That's right.
How did you come up with "Merlin"? Merlin is the name of Wendy's father, who died.
Your father? Why not your father? Well, maybe because he lives in a tent in his wife's backyard.
Got a point.
That is his choice! And he's not dead.
Hey, what about my father? Is he dead? Yes! Your father isn't that great.
Yeah.
My father was a Saint! Aw, she's back.
His name was Richard, mm-hmm.
I do like that.
Oh! I do, yeah.
Yeah, Richard nugent.
"Rick," maybe probably "Dick.
" Well, you'd call him "Dick," wouldn't you? You'd be like, "where's Dick?" "Did anyone see Dick the other day?" "Sometime when Dick's not here, I think about Dick.
" I am not calling him "Merlin.
" Oh, that's all right.
You can call him whatever you want.
No, it's not okay, Mom.
He will be named "Merlin," and that's what you will call him.
Look, you can't ever fold to her or she will bully you, all right? You don't think the kids at school are gonna tease her? "Oh, here comes Molly the Dolly.
" Better than "Janice the bitch.
" What did you say? He just said, "better than Janice the bitch.
" Shut up, Ramona! Why don't we just table this whole conversation for later, okay? And why don't we talk about maybe having a shower? I would love one! Good.
We should get one of those bouncy castles! Kids love those bouncy castles.
No, I-I don't want kids there.
You're gonna be a hell of a Mother.
Hm.
Thank you! Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
Hey, Wendy, say hello to the fellas.
I'm hitting that.
I've been there and I've done that.
Everybody's just standing around.
Go do something funny.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, my name's Jim.
I'm not actually, uh, related to anybody here.
I just have a fondness for prostitutes and disabled people.
Jesus, I'm dying, Steve.
This is Steve.
This is Billy's brother, Steve.
You know, all relationships start out good.
You know, before you know it, there she goes.
Off with the kid off to Cincinnati with some Dick named Todd.
Everybody loves Todd!! Steve.
Yeah, we miss Todd! Where's Todd today?! Steve, thank you.
Thank you.
That was good.
Okay, Walter, please say something about marriage Something.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, sure, uh Marriage.
As we all know, it's a sacred institution, but, uh, I'll tell ya, there's nothing wrong with hookers.
Uh Hey, Ms.
Peggy! What's Peggy doing here? I don't know.
Mom must have invited her.
She looks good.
Yeah, she does.
You messed up.
Hi! Thank you for coming.
Hi.
Congrats.
Thank you so much.
We're really happy.
Hi.
Okay.
Oh, I hate happiness.
We could, uh Maybe slip off to a motel later on, and We're pretty expensive, is the thing.
I got an old pool table I'll swap you, but, uh Good to see you, Clay.
It's a stupid name.
I mean, "Merlin"? Are you kidding me? Who names their child "Merlin"? What is it, a wizard? I do love Hogwarts.
Me too.
H.
R.
pufnstuf.
Oh, forget it.
It's time to party! Woo-hoo! What a wicked party! Two words.
Old bitch! All right, son.
Okay, that was funny.
I could take you out in the woodshed.
You want to get out of here? Okay, cutie.
Where do you want to go? The bathroom.
Okay.
Get up here.
Jesus don't like ugly! Get your ass up here! This child could be named "Merlin.
" That is the stupidest name I've ever heard! Well, he might become a magician.
I gotta tell you, mate, maybe she's a prostitute, but she's really nice.
She's pretty great.
Okay, everybody.
Let's all open the presents you got for Wendy and for Richard.
It's "Merlin.
" Look at the little baby-whore costume.
It's a little nurse outfit! Oh, look! Slutty baby nurse! Shut up, Steve! Okay, enough.
All right.
He's my brother.
I'll put it on.
Oh! Hey, get him off her! All right, all right, come on.
Aw, I'm no fun! Wendy and Richard thank you very much for your gifts.
It's "Merlin.
" And in just a moment, we will be doing the piñata.
Billy, I need to talk to you.
I'm not changing the damn name.
No, it isn't about that.
What? What now, Mom? I do not want to have a bastard grandchild.
Mom, would you stop calling the baby a "bastard"? You're upsetting the prostitutes.
I want you to get married.
No way! Billy, there is a beautiful girl out there who is scared and vulnerable and having your baby.
I want you to roll on out there, and I want you to Give her this ring.
Where'd you get that? Your grandmother.
Come on.
It's very special.
You won't regret it.
It's gonna be a beautiful wedding.
Look, I gotta go to the bathroom.
I promise you won't be disappointed.
Hey, bro! You ready to be a daddy? I guess.
You'll be fine.
Hey, Steve.
What? Should I get married? Brother, I'd marry that chick.
Come on, Billy! We're about to do the piñata! Okay, I'll be right there.
Did you see those jugs? Hey, hold on, pregnant chick! A piñata of a boy in a wheelchair at a baby shower.
That's about as bad as it gets.
Mom.
Mom! What? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Oh, honey, I am so proud of you! There's a man! What?! Everybody! Billy, here, has an announcement to make.
Wendy, there's something I want to ask you.
Oh, do you want to have sex again? Oh, she's a keeper, son.
She's a keeper.
Yes, of course I want to have sex with you.
But it's more important than sex.
Wendy Get your drunk ass back here now! Will you I'll get it! Ahh! Oh, my God! I'll bring the car around.
Get her out back.
I'm driving! I'm coming, baby! Move out of the way, Rodney! You know the breathing technique.
You've learned it from the doctor.
Just in and out, in and out, okay? Little, tiny breaths.
It's gonna be fine.
Steve's got us.
Wanda wenderson? Yeah, yeah.
That's us.
Come with me.
All right.
Let's go.
You look like Michael Jackson's son, blanket.
I know.
You're doing good! Doing good! You're doing great, honey.
Okay, it's crowning! It's crowning! You've got this.
One more push.
Come on, one more! Is it a boy? I think you'll find that's an offensive term.
It's black! It's black.
It's black!! It's black, Steve! It's bla-a-a-a-ck! Billy, it's black! Walter, it's black! It's black, it's black, it's black! I'll say.
Buh-buh-buh-buh buh-buh .
Black! Oh, Mum, it's black.
It's A beautiful black baby.
It's just Could have been happy with any Could have been an Asian.
You know? Could have been hispanic or "Latino," I think the term is.
I don't even know what they like to be called, but the most important thing is, it's not his, so Black.
It's black! It's black! You okay, honey? Well, at least I don't have to take care of it.
It's a boy! It's a boy! Yay! It's a boy! It's it's black! Yes! Yes! Then it's not mine! Black, black, black, black, black, black Thunder's gone, Jim.
Thunder's gone.
Billy, how are you doing? I'm good, dad.
Um, do you guys mind if we have a moment alone? [ Birds of Tokyo's "lanterns" I'm sorry, Billy.
I really thought he was yours.
I know.
It's fine.
When I start to think aloud.
Any idea whose baby it could be? I guess it could be my boyfriend, Cedric.
Cedric.
In darkness I leave .
For a place I've never seen .
It's been calling out to me .
That is where I should be .
I should go.
We never carried days on our own Bye, Billy.
Bye.
Up to us to know .
I guess it's just me and you now, Merlin Maybe "Cedric.
" I really didn't want a child.
I mean, I'm too old for all of that, and have to deal with it.
I mean, I've got two sons who are like babies anyway, so I've got plenty to deal with, believe me, and then there's you.
I don't need a baby, and I don't need to take care of anything else but myself.
We will light our way .
With our lanterns on .
You really wanted that baby, didn't you? On we march .
Till we meet the dawn .
I did.
Me too.
We will light our way .
With our lanterns on .
As we walk out .
Without question, without, doubt.
In the light that we have found it is finally clear .
Billy you can always get another girl pregnant.
You're right.
I know.
It's fine.
We are ready, we are young.
You can always get another girl pregnant.
I know.
We never carried days on our own.
Walter? Hm? If I cleaned up the house, would you be willing to move back in? Well Uh, yeah, I'd love to.
You know, I was looking forward to taking little Merlin fishing.
No, it's not "Merlin," it's "Richard.
" "Richard" is a good, solid name.
Oh, come on.
Everybody would be calling him "Dick.
" "Hey, where's Dick?" "Where's my Dick?" "Hey, look! A Dick!" "I'm holding on to my Dick!" Richard! That is where I should be .