Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Checkmate

Jim, listen to me.
You could stab someone, right? You could get a hummer from a tranny.
You could stab that tranny while you're getting a hummer.
Those are all things that I can work with.
But rape? Mnh-mnh.
I didn't do anything.
It was just a joke that They're overreacting.
I know that.
The point is is they don't.
Look, Jim.
I've been all over this.
But when you get fired and the movie turns out great - Have you seen it? - No.
Oh, my God.
The guy is amazing.
And the girl in it, she's all over the press talking about how you're the Yeah.
The situation How that improved her acting.
So you can imagine.
This is a pretty steep hill to climb here in Hollywood.
It's what they believe, not what's real.
So we just need something to change that.
- Like what? - I have no idea.
I got it.
Do more stand-up.
Your solution "Keep doing what you're doing"? All right.
You have a point.
Look, I got this, right? It's this rich lawyer.
His daughter wants a comic to play her 16th birthday party.
No.
I'm not doing a kid's party.
It's easy.
You show up, you say a few jokes, maybe take a dance with her, try not to rape her.
- No.
- Jim, you're broke.
[Sighs] - No.
No.
- Okay.
I tried.
Good meeting.
Hey, will you see if Paul Mooney will play that bitch's party? Who? I j Paul Mooney.
Raul: Billy Ready for your PT? I guess.
Come, come.
So, how's Ramona? She's fine.
Oh, she's super fine.
Okay.
Yes.
Saw a bar down the end of the block.
Just one.
Why not? We got an hour.
There you go.
Just one.
Ow! Jesus, Raul! Are you mad at me? I have to work you extra hard.
- [Groans] - You seem very, very loose! Really? You think? Has Ramona been stretching you? [Grunts] No, no, no.
Uh, I'm on this new medication.
Mm.
Not bad.
Suits you very well.
Thanks.
Ow! I hate being without Em.
I miss her so much.
Em? My daughter.
Your granddaughter? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
How's she doing? Good? Is Ramona picking you up today? No.
Steve and my dad are waiting for me.
Does she like Filipino men? Why don't you ask her yourself? Oh.
You inviting me for lunch or something? All right, dude.
You're getting creepy.
To divorce! Yeah! [All cheer] And depression! [Laughs] [All cheer] To living on my son's sofa, huh?! Yeah.
[Laughs] Oh, shit.
Where are they? Hey, uh, Raul, reach in my bag and grab the phone.
Text "I'm here.
" Okay.
Also there's a spare key in there.
Uh, unlock the door.
I want to get in.
I'm tired.
Yeah! What a bunch of great guys! Yeah.
One guy said Obama's the devil.
This way.
This way.
- He had some good points.
- [Whistles] E-ever notice how pointy the president's face is? [Whirring, rattling] Hey! Hey! There's somebody in here, man! I'm gonna kill Steve.
Hi, Jim.
I'm I'm ringing up about that party.
How much did that party pay? Um, Paul Mooney took it.
Mooney took it? Sorry, Jim.
All right.
Never mind.
Beelzebub in the White House.
[Chuckles] W-where's the van? What van? Where'd we park? Park what? The van, dad.
[Sighs] No idea, son.
- [Cellphone beeps] - Oh, he texted me.
- What What's he say? - "I'm here.
" Well, he's clearly not, because he's not, and we are.
Damn it, Billy! Hey, Raul! Where's the van? Oh.
Billy is inside.
Oh.
Well, when he comes out, tell him that we're at the bar.
Find the van, 'cause it's not here.
No.
Billy is inside.
You said that! The van.
Yes.
The van.
The van.
Tell him we're out here! [Shouts in native language] - [Laughs] - What? Let's check down there.
And no more drinking till later.
Probably on the wrong block.
Hello?! Could somebody help me, please?! I'm gonna die.
Time number eight is gonna be in a tow yard.
[Chuckles] Hello?! Hey! Oh, please see me.
Thank God.
Hey, man! Hey! There's somebody in here! Hey, man! Please! Please! Yeah! Yeah! Hey! [Laughs] - Oh.
Shh.
- Ooh.
Where have you guys been? Father-son drinking.
Good example there, Walter.
Kidding me? It was hard keeping up with this guy.
- [Laughs] - I know.
So, Jim, turns out we have a slight problem.
This looks tasty.
Dad, are you gonna get high? Is the pope catholic? I don't know.
They got a new pope, didn't they? Is he catholic? Wow.
I'm gonna get high with my dad.
This is awesome.
This is all very inspiring, but where's Billy? - We lost him.
- Oh, no.
"Lost" is a harsh word.
We misplaced him.
How did you lose Billy? Well, technically, we lost the van.
How did you lose the van?! It turns out Billy was in the van, so we lost him too.
No.
Misplaced.
And you're doing what about it now? We're talking about it, Jim.
What? Geez.
God! [Cellphone rings] Hello? Hey.
Jim? Listen.
It's me, Billy.
I can't hear you.
I'm trapped in the van in a tow yard in Culvert City! Billy's in a tow yard.
Well, there you go, Jimmy.
We talked about it, and now we've found him.
We should talk about Choco Tacos.
We'll find them.
- Man: Silver van, right? - Jim: Yeah.
Yeah.
Here it is.
It's, uh, $2,963.
It can't be $2,900.
It was a tow.
It was like four blocks.
This is a mistake.
Yeah.
It's repo.
It's four months late, man.
You got tax, fees, penalties all kinds of shit.
- Here you go.
- Four months? That's a mistake.
A mistake like leaving your brother in a van? We didn't leave you in the van.
It was repossessed.
Raul said you were inside.
Yes, inside! Inside the van, Steve! You weren't there.
He didn't say that.
- He said you were - We sent you a text! - Ernesto, do you have a - I was in that van for four hours! Shut up! You take credit card, Ernesto? - Yeah.
Sure thing.
- Thank you.
I j I can't believe you forgot me.
You just left me there! Well, shit happens.
Yeah, shit does happen.
But you don't leave a disabled guy in a van for four hours, Steve.
I mean, what were you even doing? Guess.
Drinking.
And w-where was dad? He was buying the drinks.
Well, that's just perfect.
You know, I never thought I'd be - the responsible one in the group.
- No joke.
It's very exciting.
It's, uh, declined.
You got another one? - Is that the card with the dog on it? - Actually, no.
This is the one with the down syndrome kid with a bunch of medals.
The special olympic card? That's a good card.
Look.
You got to help us out, man.
We need that van.
It's got his wheelchair in it.
Yeah, but no money, no van.
That's how it works over here.
This is a mistake.
I've paid this bill.
- Hey, excuse me.
Hey.
- Can I - You see the sign here? - Hold on a minute.
Yeah, if could just do that outside, I'd appreciate it.
I'll be like a second.
No, just one sec Let's do it outside.
- Look.
- L-let's do it outside.
- I'm just calling - See the sign? Let's go.
Let's move.
Thank you.
You too.
Yogi.
Let's go.
Come on.
Thanks for your help, Jim.
[Groaning]: Oh, God.
Ahh.
I hate this hold music.
Why do they put you on hold? No one enjoys the music.
I can't believe you missed a car payment, Steve.
- I can't believe it.
- I screwed up, okay? You had been making the payments, right? Steve? Of course I made the payments.
Steve? [Sighs] Oh, God.
"Oh, God" what, Steve? Oh, I just I had to get a I got an attorney to try to get Em back.
And I lost my job.
You don't have a job? How long, Steve? How long have you not had a job for? I don't know.
Like four months, I guess.
Oh.
I think right around the same time I got the attorney.
And then last month you gave me that credit card to go buy groceries, and I gave three grand to that dickhead attorney, and that's probably why the card doesn't work now, so Where have you been going every day?! - The bar.
- I knew it.
- I knew it.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I also charged a couple drinks on the card, and I got an awesome blossom.
[Tires screech] Ow! [Groans] [Breathing heavily] You've been getting drunk at Chili's? Well it's happy hour.
You're a loser, Steve.
You are a freakin' loser.
Yeah.
You think you got to tell me that? - We're gonna be homeless! - Oh, you're so dramatic! What's all the ruckus? Dumb-ass here spent all of our money and didn't pay any of the bills.
All right, all right, all right.
I'll see if I can help.
Maybe you can help.
You are his dad.
Steve owes $2,900 on the van alone.
Dollars? Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Thanks, Walter.
What other bills didn't you pay, Steve? None of it.
I didn't pay shit.
- Man: Hi.
This is chase credit card services.
- Oh, my God.
- Man: What's your card name? - Jim: Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Jim Jeffries.
- Man: What's your card number? - Jim: Yeah, I already put my numbers in.
Yeah.
Look.
I-I had a credit card that I tried to use at a, um, at a tow yard, and, uh, it got declined.
And I was wondering if you could just get my card back up and running, please.
No problem, sir.
We can increase your credit limit.
You'll up my credit limit? Okay.
- Uh, thank you.
- Man: Have a nice night.
We'll get the car in the morning.
That bong really knocked my dick into the dirt.
- [Laughing] - Bill Billy's in the van.
[Laughing] Dad's high as balls, Billy.
I hate you.
[Coughing] [Sighs] [Alarm chirps] God, Billy.
I'm sorry, dude.
Ow! Where's my chair? - What? - My chair's not in here.
Shit.
I'll talk to Ernesto.
Hold on.
- Follow him.
- What?! - Follow him! - You bitch.
Ernesto: You guys down for that threesome or what? - Those stairs suck! - Yeah.
You know what's up.
Billy: Hey! Where's my chair? Hey, we paid you $2,900.
That chair was expensive! Calm down, okay? Hi, Ernesto.
Um, we have a few problems here, obviously.
And I'm sure you can help us out.
No.
That ain't my problem, man.
You can read the sign, right? Yeah.
No.
I've I've seen the sign.
I have.
See, here's the thing.
It was on your lot, and it's a big wheelchair.
It's not like losing a bit of coins or something.
Someone obviously stole it.
You can see he's disabled and he needs it to live.
So if there's any way yeah.
No, I can't help you out, man.
The sign is in black and white, all right? This is bullshit! Ernesto, he's kind of disabled, so - Look If you point at that sign! - What are you gonna do, huh? You're gonna hear from my lawyer! That's what! Grab Billy.
Is your phone in your chair? - Yeah.
- Oh, I'll just call it.
Don't.
If you call, they'll answer it.
While it's still on, we can track it.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
I've got it.
What? Okay.
Good.
Uh, turn left.
No.
Right.
Right, right, right.
[Cellphone beeping] Okay.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
U-turn.
I'm sorry.
U-turn.
- Turn around.
- [Tires squealing] - Oh, my God, Steve.
- Well, I All right.
Let's go mess with those bitches.
Oh, man.
It stopped in Lincoln Park.
Oh, no.
That's a really bad neighborhood.
So what? Man up.
We're getting my chair back.
Oh! Stop! This is it! [Tires screech] Holy shit.
That's it, right? Hell yes.
Those bitches.
I wouldn't call them bitches.
Not to their face.
You see the journey and Guns N' Roses stickers and the dent on the side from when I was drunk at the boardwalk? That's my chair! - Let's just leave it.
- What? Yeah.
You don't need that chair.
Are you kidding? We're gonna get it back.
[Mid-tempo hip-hop plays] What do you think about that one, homes? Uh, Billy, let me talk to them, all right? - No.
- Just let him, Billy.
[Birds chirping] Go away, ese.
You're bothering us.
That chair you're sitting in I don't know if what disability you've got.
- I don't know if you need - Oh, my God! - Billy! Billy! - Look, I That's our chair.
That's my friend's chair there.
And we We kind of need it back.
And I don't know how you got it, and I don't care, right? Doesn't Doesn't bother me.
You might have found it.
You probably found it.
Nothing illegal, I'm sure.
It's my chair.
- It's got his stickers on it.
- Yeah.
I like journey.
Look, you look like a very reasonable guy with a neck tattoo of a caved-in Benjamin Franklin face that looks like a bullet hole inside a hundred-dollar note.
A hundry.
That's not right.
You don't call them hundries, do you? What do you What do you What do you call them when you're trying to move product on the street? Benjamins! When you're out there doing business with your homies on the street, stacking up Benjamins like a fiend.
It looks awfully real.
That's 'cause it is.
How do you think I got in this chair, dumb-ass? Ah! 'Cause he got shot! That's how! Am I right?! In the neck he got shot.
Ah! I feel like me and you have gotten off on the wrong foot.
We could be friends.
I My name's Jim.
And your name would be? Sin Nombre.
Sin Nombre.
That's a nice name.
All right.
I've had enough.
I've Did you just say your name was "No Name"? That's really stupid, dude.
Come on, now.
He's not stupid.
He obviously knows that No Name is an actual name.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
'Cause you can say it and then people can respond to it.
Like, "Hey, No Name!" And you you turn around.
But if your name was actually No Name, people would go, "Have you met my friend" See, that pause there is where the you're Uh, Ernesto.
We know E-Ernesto.
Hey, you know this is my brother, right? What the hell are you doing here? That's That's That's our chair.
Remember the chair? That's the chair.
No, no, no.
You could read the sign, right? All right.
Listen up, you shitheads.
You stole my goddamn wheelchair.
And you you need to get your candy ass out of it right now.
For a cripple, you got balls, homey.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
Oh, I got lots of balls, man.
Ram him, Steve.
- Jim: Steve, don't.
Don't.
- Uh - You're doing it now.
- Billy: Ram him! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
There.
You like that? Do it again! Uh, y-you're gonna hurt one of your feet.
- Yeah, you like that? Again, Steve! - Stop that, little guy.
- What are you doing? - Jim: Like slow jousting.
- Yeah.
- Stop that, little punk.
No name.
[Laughs] What a stupid name.
And you know what? I bet you can't even play chess like a real disabled man.
I could whip your ass.
Hey! Now you're going too far, man.
- What you talking about? - I said let's get it on! Let's play chess for the chair! Uh, B-Billy, let's let's talk about this.
It's all right.
They've already got the chair.
And I could win this.
Hey, can you do this or what? Is he good? Well, he could beat Rodney.
Ernesto: You got this? Is that good? All they do is play chess at the home.
Rodney's standing champ.
So if we win, what do we get? Jim, Billy, Steve: What? When we win, what do we get? Yeah.
Pride.
You get the van.
The chair's useless without the van and vice versa.
Plus, they cost about the same, so let's go.
I'm calm, cool, and collected.
Let's handle it.
Let's get it on! Well, roll your little ass over there, then, and let's play.
- Roll me over there.
- Move! Knight to C3.
- That's the horse, right? - It's the horse.
There we go.
Hit the timer.
[Mid-tempo music playing, man singing in spanish] Pawn to D4.
[Timer clicks] Damn it.
Bishop to C4.
Billy, this one No.
Chill.
Check.
[Murmuring] What do you want me to do? [Music continues] Queen to D4.
That's check.
- That's checkmate.
- Checkmate.
That's checkmate! That's checkmate! Checkmate, bitches! [Laughter] Take that, bitches! Read the sign, eh? - Read the sign.
- [Laughs] [Record scratches] [Groans] [Sighs] Well, they got the van now.
[Sighs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What happened to you?! Billy, are you all right? Yeah.
I'm good.
I'm good, too.
Thanks.
Where's Walter? He left.
He needed a Choke-o Taco.
Jim, Billy, Steve: Choco Taco.
Choco Whatever it is! What is going on here? Well, we found Billy, but we lost the chair.
You lost Billy and the chair? - And the van.
- And the van? - Got Billy back.
- You got Billy back.
Okay.
Please don't make me drag this out of you, Jim.
Walter and Steve went out drinking, and they left Billy locked in the van.
- Yesterday.
- Yesterday? And the van got towed away - because Steve hasn't been paying the bills.
- Steve.
- For like four months.
- Four months? And the guy at the tow yard stole Billy's wheelchair from the van, so we had to play a game of chess for the van.
You played a game of chess for the van? We had to.
They already had the chair.
And you lost? - No.
We won.
- You won? Then they beat us up, kept the chair, and took the van.
- They took the van? - Yeah.
- Beat you up? - Yeah.
- And kept the chair? - Sure did.
But I got my phone back.
Where are these boys? Is this true?! A son of mine stole a wheelchair from a guy with MD?! Ernesto did it.
- Shut up, Darren.
- Darren.
That's a way better name than No Name.
It's the stupidest name ever.
_ _ _ Last month, he stole cocaine.
Hmm? _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Both of you, what do you have to say to these nice people? [Both mumbling] What? - Sorry.
- We're sorry.
It's okay.
And? And what? "We will never do it again.
" Both: We'll never do it again.
- Well, that's - Janice: And? What do you boys have to say back? Well, um We're s We're We're sorry? No.
- We'll never do it again either.
- We'll never do it again.
No, no, no.
You're so stupid.
"Thank you very much.
" - Oh! Yeah, we can do that.
- Oh.
No way! We're not saying thank you for them giving back something they stole.
All right.
Fine.
Thank you, Mrs.
Hernandez, for giving us back something we already owned.
- Thanks, Mrs.
Hernandez.
- Gracias por todos.
Good boys.
Good boys.
All right.
Um, I need for you all to go out.
Um, I'm gonna speak to Mrs.
Hernandez alone.
[Spanish song starts playing] My sons.
They're idiots.
Yeah.
Mine are total morons.
[Both chuckle] I found a ball.
You want to play? - No.
- No.
Why don't you go play? I think I slid in some dog shit back Yeah.
We're cool, man.
Oh, that's terrible, man.
Why is he playing ball by himself? We put so much attention on Billy, I think we forgot about Steve.
Maybe that's why he's so strange.
Hey, you don't have any of that coke, do you? For purchase, perchance? I wish I had girls.
My daughter is good.
She's in college.
Somehow she just managed to avoid all this stuff.
I hear what you're saying, ese.
Mm-hmm.
Got it.
It's my kid, so it's not like I'm gonna give up, right? I mean, I didn't make the car payments.
The lawyer burned me.
It's the right thing to do, right? That's how lawyers are, man.
I feel you.
So this, uh lawyer you're talking about, though, he's at 16th and Colorado, right? Yeah, he is, man.
[Chuckles] So, uh, what kind of car does he drive? Hey, what the hell?! Hey, man, that's my car! Hey! Hey, come back, asshole!