Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rub & Slide

I don't know what you're so worried about.
It's just a va vacation.
Never just a vacation with my parents.
So we're finally gonna meet gunta.
You can't say it in front of her, Billy.
You promised.
Come on.
It can't be that bad.
You have no idea.
Hey, mate! How are you? - Hey, dad.
- Good to see you.
You must be Billy.
- No.
I'm Steve.
- Ah.
This is This is Billy over here.
Hey, Billy! How are you, mate? - Hi.
- And I'm Walter.
Hi, Walter.
Welcome to America.
How are you? - Thanks, mate.
- Where's mum? Oh, she's coming up the You told me there weren't gonna be any stairs! I told you to go around the back.
There's no stairs around the back! Go around the back! I'm already two steps up! Hey, mum.
Can I help you there? - It's too late for that now! - Okay.
Don't worry.
I'll make it.
That's my mum.
Hello, everyone.
Hi, Mrs.
So this is how you live.
Obviously you won't be staying in here, mum.
I've set my room up for you and dad.
I won't need to be staying in your vile sex den.
I can't stay long.
I have deep vein thrombosis.
I got it on the flight, so I'll need to be rushed off to hospital before I die.
Mum, you're not dying.
Deep vein thrombosis? Oh, she gets it all the time.
Is this some type of cheese? What's going on? I have already told you! Do you not listen, boy? I have got deep vein thrombosis! Sorry, mum.
What is deep vein thrombosis? The blood clot she gets in the leg from sitting around doing nothing all the time.
You get that, Billy? Um, I don't know.
Uh, guys? Um Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! No, no.
Over here.
Over here.
Whoo! Jack, call the boys.
Mum, we'll meet you at the hospital, okay? Oh.
Bye-bye, darling.
I'm sorry, Jack.
I hope this doesn't ruin your vacation.
Ruin? My vacation has just begun.
Is your mom gonna be okay? Yeah.
I don't know.
Well, she's always sick, but - I never remember her having deep vein thrombosis.
- Yeah, you do.
She had it when we went on that royal Caribbean cruise.
She was in the infirmary for four days.
I won that sexiest-man t-shirt down by the pool.
You won a sexiest-man competition while your wife was in the hospital? No.
I actually came fourth.
Hey, Jack, your wife This happen all the time? Yeah, kind of.
Well, we'd better go visit her.
We don't need to do that.
Life's for living.
She's still living.
If we don't visit her, there'll be hell to pay.
She'll be fine.
Let's go have some fun.
And what about the beach down here? It's full of bikini chicks! I saw them as I was driving by.
- Dad! - What? You want to look at girls in bikinis while your wife's in the hospital? Yeah.
Why not? Hey.
We can go to six flags! Oh, no.
Not six flags.
I can't go on the roller coasters.
Because of that, I can't go on roller coasters.
Oh, God, this again.
Go on a roller coaster.
Who's stopping you? - You're stopping me, Billy.
- I'm not stopping you from doing anything.
All right, all right.
Stop, the both of you.
Stop it.
We're not going to six flags.
I hate those roller coasters myself.
We could go to the water park.
I really think we should visit mum.
There's girls in bikinis at the water park.
The water park sounds good.
All right! I'm going to get my suit! - Dad.
- All right.
Now, I know what you're gonna say Let's go visit your mother first, and then we'll go to the water park.
We're gonna go visit mum first.
All right.
I'll go get my swimsuit.
- Ah! Good to meet you, Jack.
- You too, Walter.
You didn't want to go to that water park, did you? No, but you got to keep the young fellas happy.
Listen, I found this rag, and it's got a coupon in it Do you happen to know the address of this place? Yeah.
I-I know where that place is.
Hello, mum.
Oh, hello, love.
So, you came.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, look at that view! Gee! You didn't have that on the ship's hospital, did you? You can see everything there, can't you? I hadn't noticed.
The nurses here seem very unfocused.
Oh, Jack.
Did you ring the boys? I still haven't learned how to work this bloody thing you gave me.
It's too complicated for me.
Don't worry about her.
She's just an attention seeker.
Stop seeking attention! Well, you're in good hands here, mum.
This hospital one of the best in the world.
I've died here twice.
And he had a black baby here.
You all look very dressed up.
We're going to the water park.
Oh! That sounds like a lot of fun.
I would have loved to have gone to a water park.
Now, come on, mum.
You know that's not true, right? Even when we were young and we went to water parks, you never went on the slides.
Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Come on.
If you boys have just come here to make fun of me, you shouldn't have come at all.
Oh, give it up! She can hear, you know.
Just acts like she can't.
Okay! That was a great visit.
- Yeah, it was.
- All right.
We're gonna come back every day to see you, mum.
What, is that it, then? Well, yeah.
It's So that's as long as you're going to visit me for? How How long were we meant to visit? Longer than that.
All right, then.
Oh, be quiet! I've got visitors! Mum, she seems pretty sick.
How's your sex addiction? Do you find that sexual? No.
- Hello, Mrs.
- Mm! - Time for your medication.
- Hello.
Ooh! Ooh, that's a lot of pills, isn't it? If I take all of those, I'll rattle.
The doctor's on the floor now.
He's here to talk to you.
Doctor? Or he could come back after your visit.
No, no, no My mother's health is of a paramount importance right now.
Isn't it, mum? We've got to get her better.
Get that doctor in right now.
- Right now.
- All right.
We got to get going.
Get better, mum! - Walk.
Let's go.
- But - But - Walk, dad, walk.
Water park! Water park! - Water park! - Will you two shut up? You sound like bloody idiots! Water park.
Water park.
Oh, this is gonna suck.
Oh, come on, Billy.
You'll have a great time.
You can go in the pool.
It'll be just like physical therapy.
Oh, come on, Billy.
There's no girls in bikinis at physical therapy.
I guess.
Hey, uh, Jack, for further notice The place you were interested in is just up here, bang a right, a little bit down the road.
Hey, Jim.
- Turn right here.
- Why? Just do as your father tells you.
Right here.
Stop, stop.
Why? What's happening? Oh, I know this place.
You boys wait here for 30 minutes.
Dad, it's a rub-and-tug parlor.
I'm not gonna sit out front here while you go into a rub-and-tug parlor.
- Why? - Um, I don't know.
Because we're going to the water park and you're still married to my mum! Listen, son.
After what I hear you say on that stage, you can't let your dad go in here and see a hooker? You've got a lot of growing up to do, mate.
Dad, you're not going in there.
We're going to the water park.
Dad, you promised.
Oh, Stevie boy.
We are going to the water park, son.
Just give us 30 minutes.
Is anyone coming or not? - No.
- No.
- Yes.
- I got a coupon.
- No! - Suit yourself.
- Oh, well.
All right.
I'll come.
There you go, mate.
- Yeah.
Suit yourself.
- Over here.
I can't believe this.
Tell me about it.
Water park closes in six hours.
Our dads are in there being jerked off right now.
I'm trying not to think about it.
It's disturbing.
What should we do? I'm just gonna sit here.
Everything all right? Yeah.
We'll talk about this later.
You two want massages as well? Yes, but something fast.
We have a lot to do today.
Well, you very, very lucky.
I still have two best girl left.
You snooze, you lose.
Go, go, go.
Hey, Jimmy.
Oh, that feels good.
Oh, you feel very greasy.
I just put sunblock on.
You seem very tense.
You no like me? No.
You seem very nice.
Then why so tense? Just relax into it, Jim! Oh, my God.
Shut up.
You like music? Yeah.
W-Who doesn't like Of course.
I-I like music.
What kind of music you like? I don't know.
I like all types of music.
Baby cried the day the circus came to town 'Cause she didn't want the parade to pass her by - So she painted on a smile - Oh, yeah.
And took off with a clown And she danced without a net on the wire - My God.
- I know a lot about her - About her, you see - 'Cause, you see Baby is awful lot like me Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside Oh, my God.
Learn how to hide your feelings Fly high and proud - Would you guys shut up?! - And if you should fall If you should fall Remember, you almost had it all Would you shut up?! Oh, they never improved on Melissa Manchester.
- That's for sure.
- Bullshit! That was Peter Allen "The Boy from Oz"! Shut up! All of you! Just shut up! Oh, come on, you guys.
If you keep it up, you're not going to the water park.
Ah! You boys go to water park? Not if they don't behave themselves.
Everyone just behave, please.
I really want to go.
Oh, yeah.
You likey turn over now? Yeah.
You betcha.
Yeah, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
More than you know.
Somebody help me turn him over! Oh! - Surprise, huh? - Yeah.
You look ready.
Thanks for the blue pill, Jack.
My pleasure, Walter! Oh, God.
Thin walls, huh? Oh! You very happy boy.
Yes, I am.
That's my boy.
Yeah, that's kind of what happens.
You just got to really work it.
There you go.
That's my other boy.
You still no like me.
It's just, the, um Situation.
You want to put your hand on titty? Sure.
That Yeah.
That's good.
You have sad eyes.
Why your eyes so sad? Faster! You can switch hands if you have to.
Don't you worry.
I make this happen.
Oh! Help! I went longer! All right.
All right.
That's it.
No, no.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh! Okay.
I'd be really worried if you could.
What are they still doing in there? They're waiting for their erections to go down.
We have like five hours and 15 minutes of water-park time left.
It's gonna take us an hour to drive out there.
We got to wait in line to get tickets.
We're only gonna have four hours Four hours! Come on.
We can get in here, all four of us.
They're bringing the hookers.
Who brings the hookers? What are you doing? Yeah.
What are you doing? Oh, be polite, Billy.
We have visitors.
Why did they bring the hookers? We no hookers.
We masseuse.
Yeah, the girls live out by the water park, so we're just giving them a ride home.
That's all.
That's gonna cut into our time.
You'd better not be paying for them.
Of course we're paying for them.
Are you kidding me? Oh, just get going.
Billy, knock it off! Stop.
You're being like mom.
Just stop.
Let me put it on.
Don't try to dress me.
I'm not a kid.
- You're wearing the hat.
- Would you stop? - I hate the hat.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm not gonna follow you around all day putting sunblock on you, 'cause today I'm sliding man.
Did you just say "Sliding man"? Don't say that.
Oh, yeah, Billy.
I'm sliding man.
Steve, that's not a thing.
Shut up, Jim.
I've been waiting my whole life for this shit.
Are you ready? Let's wind it up and let it go Whoa, oh, oh, oh Are you ready? Light it up and watch it go Whoa, oh, oh, oh Nothing's gonna stop it now Are you ready One, two, three.
Go! Ooh! All right.
Okay? I'm sliding.
I've got you.
You sure you want to do this? - Yeah, I do.
- All right.
I'm doing it, Jim! Lie on your back, Billy! This is awesome.
Oh, shit.
Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Uh, Jim? Jim! Billy! It's all right! It's all right! Whoa, oh, oh, oh Hi.
Pretty good with him, weren't you? - Light it up and watch it go - Yeah.
Up high! Up high! Yeah! I'm actually a really good swimmer.
Hey, Billy! Damn it, Rodney.
What are you doing here? I'm here for the chicks.
How's it going? Long time no see.
I am sliding man! Are you ready? Light it up and watch it go Whoa, oh, oh, oh Hang on 'cause it's done And again Nothing's gonna stop us now I got in this chair from eating too much candy.
- Hey.
You making friends? - Oh, shut up.
Hi, Billy! Hi! Hi, Billy! Are you ready? Oh, oh Whoo! Ooh.
Let's go to the tower of terror.
Oh, yeah.
Great idea.
Come on! Can we go now? No.
Got to stay for one more hour.
Promised Steve we'd be here for four hours.
Ooh! Tsunami thrill is definitely my favorite slide.
I mean, that one's way scarier, but that's the best slide, for sure.
I want to go home.
Come on, Billy! We're only here for a short time.
Steve, I can't go on any of the slides, and the lazy river is full of pissing toddlers.
Can we just go? - Billy! - No, no.
He's right.
We're only here for a short time.
Right, dad? - Yeah.
Right, son.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm thinking I might take a cripple down a water slide.
- What do you reckon? - Whatever.
You can't do that.
He'll die.
You always say he's gonna die, and he never dies.
You said that when we went to the prostitutes the first time.
We've been to prostitutes several times sense.
We're with prostitutes right now.
Masseuse! He's right, Steve.
He's right.
Uh, Jim, I don't think this is a good idea.
Dad, I don't think you're in any position to tell me to be responsible.
Hey! This is not gonna happen.
Mom will kill me.
Steve, dad's with a prostitute.
Come on.
Look at him.
All right.
Fine! But if he dies, I'm blaming you.
You always do.
Tower of terror! Thank you.
Are you sure you want to do this, Billy? I'm going down the slide, dad.
Well All right, son.
I'll be down there to catch you.
I'm gonna go down there, Walter! Bye! Oh, you bet you are.
Geronimo! Hey, hold up, guys.
What are you doing? Right.
Thank God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I have some concerns.
I want to talk to you.
- Yeah.
- Look.
This is, uh - Sir.
- This is red.
There's pus coming out.
I'm not worried about me.
- Okay, Billy.
- I'm worried about the water for the general Hey! Hey, guys! Wait! Don't! - Steve! I'm doing it! - He was scared! This is awesome! Billy, I'm coming! Sir, I do not want to see your Hey! Thank you! Here comes sliding man! Whoa! Yeah! Get out of the pool! Yeah! Oh! Oh, yeah! Careful.
Yeah! Get out of the pool! - It's awesome, right? - It's great! Oh! Here we go! Oh, his mother's gonna kill me.
- Jim, you dumb shit! - What did I tell you, Jim?! - Turn him over.
- Billy! Oh, my God.
What's his name? What's his name? - Billy! - Billy! - Billy! - Billy, wake up! - Get a backboard! - Come on, buddy.
We need a backboard! Jesus, Jim! He's gonna be okay, right? Just say he's gonna be okay.
Billy, I'm sorry.
It's all Jim's fault.
I blame Jim.
It's all fun and games till you kill a cripple.
Sorry, Walter.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
None None of this should have happened.
I'm just I'm so sorry.
We pushed it a bit far today, but, uh Would you stop hugging me? Look, the good part about today is the hookers took off and I hadn't paid them.
How great is that? Come on! Oh, boy.
He'll be all right.
- He He always is.
- Yeah.
This is all your fault, Jim! You know, you're lucky that woman died yesterday.
Now our families can come and visit us both at once.
Stop seeking attention!