Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Afghanistan

[Toilet flushes] [Yawns] - [Kettle whistling] - Good morning, mate.
Don't get up.
I can take care of meself.
[Groans] Good morning, Jack.
- [Whistling stops] - Did you sleep well? Oh, no.
Not really.
I didn't get my head down till, oh, it had to be 9:45.
Steve, come on.
Get up, son.
Oh, Jim.
You ought to go see your mother.
[Groans] Yeah, that's not a bad idea, Steve.
Billy's kind of lonely in that hospital.
Why don't you go visit him? - Why don't you two go visit them? - Yeah.
Oh, Steve, don't be rude, huh? - Jack's on vacation here.
- Jack: [Chuckles] I got to go and put me hand in the sand at that Asian theater.
Uh, it's, uh, cement.
Chinese.
I don't know about that.
You ever been there? I-I read a book once.
Yeah, that'd be the only once, too.
Jim: G'day, mum.
[Moaning] Oh, hey, Mrs.
Jefferies.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize Billy was sleeping.
I'll just go down to the cafeteria and come back later.
No.
I'm awake.
I'm surprised you can be bothered to come and visit me.
- [Moans] - It's no problem, mum.
Hold on.
[Panting] I need some privacy to talk with my son alone.
You got to get me out of here.
She's driving me crazy.
Oh, you need to be in here.
You have water on your lungs.
- Hey, Steve.
- What? I moved my fingers today.
Cool.
Let me see.
[Laughing] Holy shit.
I know, dude.
Billy looks bad.
I hope he's gonna be all right.
Oh, don't worry about Billy.
He's going to be fine.
The doctors They can't figure out what's wrong with me.
Oh, if I'm not dead in three days, it'll be soon after that.
Mum, you're not dying.
Who are you to say I'm not dying? You're not a doctor.
Yeah, but a doctor outside just told me you're not dying.
You got a blood clot in your leg.
You got diabetes, so it's taking a little longer to heal up.
You're gonna be in here for a week or something.
You've gained weight.
I haven't, actually.
I've lost weight.
You've got to try and control your weight.
Really? You're telling me to control my weight? I was never as big as you when I was 36.
So you were! You say this, but you were.
We have pho I can get a photo right now.
- Oh! - You were always big.
I-I don't know why you say these things.
Look, James.
When you get to the end of your life, you take stock of everything that's happened.
I tried to raise you and your brothers as best as I could.
But in many ways, you're still a huge disappointment to me.
- [Laughing] God.
- This woman is a nightmare.
- She's out of her mind.
- [Chuckles] - Have you got the number here at the hospital? - Yes.
It's just another place for you to never call me at.
Come on, mum.
I call you all the time.
Oh, to complain about your terrible childhood.
It was terrible, mum.
- You used to call me "Fuckface".
- [Intercom dings] Well, only because you called me that first.
I was 5.
I was 5.
You were the adult.
- Anne: Oh, grow up! - Should I? - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- Jim: You should have been the responsible one! - Nurse! My brother's not breathing! Get out of the way.
Out of the way.
Are you What's wrong with Billy? Nothing I just hit the call button 'cause you looked like you needed help.
- You okay? You sure? You sure? - Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
- No problem, fuckface.
- [Intercom dings] Okay, let's go.
Oh, stop seeking attention.
Mike.
- Mike.
- Hey! Jimmy J.
! Hey, how's it going? Hey, I had no idea you were coming in today.
Well, I've been calling you for, like, the last three days.
Uh-huh.
You have? You have? - I told him you've been in meetings.
- Right.
Yeah, she's done nothing wrong.
She's very good, this one.
Keep her.
Well, listen.
I always have time for my number-one comedian.
Top three, for sure.
Come on up.
Hey, I'm Steve.
How can I help? Work, Mike.
I need work, okay? And I need to get out of town this weekend.
Who Who's this guy? I'm Steve.
You're not gonna pitch a-a TV show with this guy, are you? [Laughing] No.
You said you loved that idea about "Planes, trains & automobiles" as a TV show.
Dude, it's not a great idea.
What happens? They never get to their destination? No, it's different destination every week.
Look, I-I just need a gig right now.
No, I've been I've been trying to get you parts forever.
The movie people They don't want you ever since you raped that girl.
Ever since I made the joke.
I made a joke, Mike.
Whatever.
Your name's associated with rape.
I'm I'm associated with ra So when you think of Jim Jefferies, you think of rape? - Mm-hmm.
- Seems unfair since I've never raped.
Well You say "Tom-ah-to," I say "To-may-to.
" You know.
You know, what's weird is that saying literally applies when I'm talking to you.
- [Both laugh] - It does.
- "Tom-ah-to.
" - "Tom-ah-to.
" [Both laugh] [Sighs] Good meeting, Jim, Sean.
Steve.
Mike, Mike.
I don't need a movie.
I don't need a TV show.
All I need from you right now is a gig out of L.
A.
this weekend.
Okay, Jim, but I don't know what I can do on such short notice.
Why are you bothering me?! I'm in with Jim Jefferies.
Sorry, sir.
I just wanted to remind you that Bob Saget called.
Oh, great.
Put him through.
No, no.
Sorry, sir.
Remember? He's not available to do that gig this weekend.
You just saved your ass, Marie.
Thanks.
I think I have something for you.
Great gig Mike got you.
Jim: I got to get a new agent.
Aah! Jim: Aah! I hate agents! W-why? Well, they hardly work, they take all your money.
Wow.
I didn't know you hated Asians so much.
Why would I Who said asians? Put this on.
Are you Jim Jefferies? What other white prick you looking for in the desert in this exact location? Sir, I just need confirmation.
Yeah.
Jim Jefferies.
Right this way, Mr.
Jefferies.
Hi! I'm Steve Nugent.
Hi! Hey! Why are you wearing camouflage and I'm wearing blue? So that the enemy knows you're a civilian.
Does the enemy give a shit? Jack: Hey, look at that.
Boy, that Clark gable had small feet, didn't he? [Both chuckle] Y-you know what they say about guys with small feet.
No.
Hey, would you guys be interested in doing a tour of Hollywood? [Chuckles] What's that? Drive around, check out all the celebrities' houses.
Like an architectural tour? Sure.
I'm so sorry to be a burden to anyone.
Okay.
Okay.
Your American hospitals are very good.
Well, she's a bitch.
Hello! Mom! Hi, honey.
Look, I brought you your favorite bear to keep you company.
[Chuckles] That's so great.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
I really appreciate you, mom.
I really do.
I love you.
Oh, well, I love you, too.
[Chuckles] Mwah! Oh, and Anne, I am so sorry that your holiday has gotten off to such a bad start.
All right, coming up here on your right is the world-famous viper room.
Now, you all know the viper room because that's where, in 1993, River Phoenix died on Halloween.
Who? Uh, River Phoenix.
Don't know him.
Well, um, I brought some chocolates for you and Billy, so you can share them.
No.
She can't have that.
She has diabetes.
No, no, no.
The doctor said I should have chocolate every day so that my blood sugar doesn't sink so low that I slip into a coma.
Okay.
Well, here you go.
Enjoy.
So, your brother hasn't been by to visit yet? No.
He went with Jim to Afghanistan.
What? Anne: I know.
I'm here dying in hospital, and who's off on holiday? [Retching] [Laughter] Now your vest looks more camouflaged, sir.
[Laughter] We're going down! We're going down! Oh, God! Aah! Aah! [Laughter] Calm down.
That's supposed to happen.
We shoot out the flares when we cross the border in case there's heat-seeking missiles.
Gonna be all right.
[Laughter] Lopez: Oh, God.
[Yelling] - We're being fired on! - [Laughter] Why are you laughing? Please, calm down, sir.
Calm down.
We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom.
That man has a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us.
They just go up and drift back down.
Hey! I bet our bullets could reach him.
Um Yeah.
They can.
- [Gunfire] - Whoo-hoo! [Laughter] Yeah! Run, bitch, run! I was just saying - [Laughs] - Holy shit.
- [Gunfire] - Get some! Get some, bitch! On behalf of the U.
S.
military, I'd like to thank you for coming out here and entertaining our troops.
Well, it's my pleasure.
I'm happy to be here.
[Sighs] It's very upsetting that Mr.
Saget couldn't be here.
But we've heard good things about you.
Now, there are a few rules here on this base which you must obey at all times.
Rule number one Always be mindful of your surroundings.
Take note of everything you see.
Listen to everything anyone asks you to do.
Rule number two Always, and I mean always, keep your helmet and your vest either six feet or six seconds away from you.
You must be prepared to put them on at any given time on short notice.
Rule number three This is a dry base.
There's no drinking of alcohol or any illicit substances at any time.
Rule number four Enjoy yourself.
Lopez will have eyes on you.
That's all.
Seriously? No booze? So, you do a lot of these? No.
No, no, my parents are in town, so I had to get away.
[Chuckles] Yeah, that's why I joined the army.
- No shit? - Yeah.
But you know, I really miss them now.
[Chuckles] Why? [Both laugh] I appreciate them a lot more since I've been here.
I think it would take a holocaust for me to miss me mum.
[Chuckles] Guide: All right.
So, this is Marina Westside Hospital, one of the most famous hospitals in the world.
This is where Frank Sinatra died of a heart attack.
Jessica Simpson gave birth to her baby here.
And Patrick Swayze died here of pancreatic cancer.
Never heard of 'em.
We got a lot of family in there now.
Maybe we should go in and see them.
Woman: Here.
Here, here, here.
I have movie for you.
"Tank Dad 3," "Red Moon Over Odessa.
" [Laughs] Even in Afghanistan see? You shouldn't have tried to rape that girl.
- You raped a girl? - I didn't rape any You rape Well, was she insolent? - No, she - Steve: Wait.
You didn't p Uh.
You took him to a water park?! Yeah.
Well, Jim really Look, mom.
I begged to do it.
You know, I was just trying to have some fun.
I know, sweetheart.
You and that Jim are gonna kill Billy with all this living stuff that you want him to do.
Do you know where those two idiots are right now? In Afghanistan! [Sighs] Steve: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Yeah! [Both laughing] Whoa! [Laughs] - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [Indistinct shouting] Fire in the hole! [Laughs] Yeah! Suck it! No! Hanging! Whoo! Get it, Jim! Get it! [Laughing] Uh Yeah! Yeah! [Laughs] Whoo! Did you see that shit?! Oh! Look at that! I tore it to shit, man! I know! Where's the tank? Well, thanks, man.
This is just what I needed Getting away from the family, you know? God, I haven't felt this good in a long time.
- You know why you feel good, right? - No.
You haven't had a drink for three days.
Maybe this is what I needed.
- Maybe I should join the army.
- Really? People always talk about post-traumatic stress disorder, but soldiers only get that when they come back.
It's "post.
" You know, I go back there, I start dealing with Billy and my parents and Georgia and Emily and all that.
That is current-traumatic stress disorder.
I don't know how you do it.
[Sighs] My mother's only been over for a couple of days, and I had to skip town.
She's a piece of work, huh? I've been telling you this for years.
[Sighs] I can't get far enough away.
Well, it's just you and me now, Billy.
No one looks to be visiting us today.
I think Jim would be happy if I would die.
I'd be happy.
I'm sorry, Billy.
I can't talk anymore.
I need to have a nap.
She'd be happy if I died out here, give her something to be a martyr about.
[Moaning] [Chuckles] [As Anne] Oh, a parent should never outlive their child.
[Both laugh] Reveille, reveille! Drop your cocks and grab your socks.
We got a big day ahead of us.
I'll see you at the mess hall in 30 minutes.
- Bloody hell.
- Yes, sir.
Are you coming? All right.
Let's do it.
We're now flying off Jim, would you mind putting your helmet on? We're now flying off for camp bastion.
This journey will take approximately three hours.
We do have ear plugs if you need them.
Enjoy your flight.
[Chuckles] It's kind of weird.
I'm not afraid here.
- You're not? - No.
Hey, you guys said you're from California? Sorry? You guys said you're from California? Yeah, Venice.
Great.
I grew up on 6th and Broadway.
Hey! That's wild.
That's right around the corner.
Jim: We're right there.
Could you guys do me a huge favor? Yeah, sure.
Anything.
Well, I'm headed up to Helmand province after this with the special-op guys.
It's pretty heavy up there, and Well, I got a bad feeling.
So, would you mind taking this to my mother? Why don't you just mail it? I just want to make sure she got it.
Yeah, sure, but I think things are gonna be okay.
I'm feeling better.
I think I'm ready to go home.
Oh.
Well, the doctor said in a couple of days or so.
[Groans] A couple of days?! Yes, he said you are heading in the right direction, but just be patient.
And Anne, the doctor said it's all right for you to go.
[Chuckles] What? That quack? No, he doesn't know.
I tried to tell him about all of my other ailments, but, oh, no, he wouldn't listen.
Well, how nice, though? You'll get to see Jim.
Oh, so he's called you, has he? Didn't bother to call me.
Anne, aren't you glad that you're gonna see your son? I guess.
He'll probably run the other way when he sees me again.
You know, you are very lucky to have Billy.
I know he can't move, but at least you know where he is at all times.
I'm sorry, lucky? Lucky?! I'm not invisible Why you can't see That I'm not gonna give up and run? Seems to me being a soldier's a pretty sweet job.
I mean, what, you work for a couple years, you go straight into your pension.
Not many of you guys see combat, right? So, by comparison, it's actually a pretty safe job.
Compared to what? Well, like ice-road trucker or crab fisherman.
Yeah, I guess.
[Gunshots, clanging] I'm running out of time And I'm slipping through the cracks And if I looked you in the eyes, you won 'Cause I'm blinded by the sun I'm blinded by God damn, mate.
We're not all in the bloody army.
Get the hell out! - Come on! Go! - [Gunfire, explosions] Get out! Get out! Move, move, move, move! Get the hell out! [Indistinct shouting] Get the hell out of the bird! Leave the bag! You think this is lucky?! You know what, Anne? Maybe you shouldn't be so hard on Jim.
What? Excuse me? Yeah, you can't keep putting your children down.
Who are you? These boys I don't agree with everything that they do, but they are good boys.
And Jim is very good to Billy.
You're defending him?! He abandoned me! He is terrible to me! I had Jim in high school, and he really cares about you, but you just can't see it.
- [Explosions, gunfire] - God! Oh, my God! Jim, Jim! Jim, Jim! Leave it! Leave the bag! Get over here! - Aah! Oh, my God! - Aah! Oh, God, help me! I don't want to be in the army anymore! No shit! - Who are you calling? - Calling my mum.
Out of all the people in the world - Do you believe his thoughts? - Unbelievable! - [Cellphone rings] - Oh! - [Gunfire, explosions] - Hello? Hey, mum! Hey, it's Jim! Oh, hello.
I got something I want to tell you.
What? That you've poisoned everyone against me? Well, I've already figured that out.
Please, listen to me! Oh! Stop yelling at me! I can hardly hear you with all that banging noise.
Let me see that.
Hello? What's going on? Mom! Mom! Mom! I'm sorry! I'm sorry for all the times I let you down! What is going on, and what is all that noise? We're being bombed on! - Oh, shit.
- [Gasps] That is terrible.
Oh, no parent should outlive their child.
Mum, look, I just got to tell you I know you were hard on me as a kid.
I know you were hard on me, but I deserved it.
You had to do all the parenting.
I know that dad did nothing but sit on the roof - and I was a little fuckface.
- [Explosion] And I know you did your best, but Mum [Explosion] I want you to know - [Gunfire stops] - All clear.
Okay.
We're clear to get back in the chopper.
Man: Move out! I, uh I want you to know that, uh We're back on Tuesday, so You know, we can hang out hang out then.
[Sighs] Oh, God.
See? They really are good boys.
I know that.
- Did you enjoy that? - No.
You know, sometimes you don't appreciate a situation till you live through it.
Steve: Hey, I got I got a pricker in my hand.
[Butch Walker's "I've Been Waiting for This" plays] - [Gunfire] - [Grunts] Hey, guys.
Welcome back.
So, how was Africa? - Fine.
- Hey, good to see you out of hospital bed.
Hey, can you turn this off? We've had enough gunfire to last us a lifetime.
Holy shit.
You're playing video games.
Like a machine.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
[Laughing] Holy shit! [Gunfire] Can't this just wait? No.
We promised.
Let's get rid of this.
[Knock on door] Mrs.
Lopez? - Hi, my name's Jim.
This is Steve.
- Hi.
We were in Afghanistan with your son, Lieutenant Lopez, and he wanted us to give you this.
Oh, my God.
Is I-I-Is he okay? Oh! Yes.
He's okay.
He gave this to us yesterday to give to you.
- He's fine.
- Yeah, he's good.
[Laughs] You're a good man.
Thank you so much.
Would you like to come in? No, we can't.
We have to go see our own mums.
Aww, you're good boys.
Good night, ma'am.
And I live while I cry I've been waiting for this, oh