Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Homeless

Yeah, Jack and Anne Yeah, well, they left.
Though I I sure miss Jack, yeah.
We had a great time together, he and I.
You know, it's not easy making friends later on in life.
Yeah.
- He invited me to Australia.
- Oh.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm not so sure.
It's It's such a long way to go, and See, the other thing is that, uh, he lives with his wife.
Oh, boy, she is a beast of a woman.
I tell you.
Well, your parents are finally gone.
Free at last! No, I don't know.
I kind of miss me dad.
You know, going out to see those Chinese sex slaves with him and go in the water park, I I don't feel like we've ever been closer.
You got a text.
All right, come on, don't.
- From Katie Knox "Leave me alone.
" - Don't.
Dude, come on.
It's bad enough you had sex with a married chick.
She didn't tell me.
See, that's on her.
Okay? Besides, it's no big deal.
No, it's a huge deal, Jim.
You don't just mess with someone's marriage, and she has kids, man That's evil.
She gets drunk, she texts me, I don't respond.
Okay? She keeps on texting.
Eventually I text back, "Let's not do this.
" She gets really angry and says, "Never text me again!" All right? It's like she's having a fight with herself through me.
Well, I guess having him here made me feel better about my lousy life.
I mean, you know, I'm sleeping on my son's sofa.
I'm separated from my wife.
Yeah, she's also a bit of an emotional terrorist, too.
You know, that's why Jack and I bonded, I think.
- Sorry, sweetie, I got to go.
- Gotcha, Ro.
All right, see you tomorrow.
Okay.
Take care of yourself, all right? Oh, dick pic! Gross! Okay, I drink, too, Steve, and the only reason I sent her a picture of that is because she promised me - Titty pic! Nice! - A-All right, give it here.
- Hey! Any snatch pics I should know about? - Okay, put I'm gonna have an accident.
What are you doing? I'm gonna text her and ask her for a snatch pic.
Don't do that! It's 2:00 P.
M.
! I'm never drunk at 2:00 P.
M.
! I'm kidding, man! God! You're sensitive.
Okay.
Now she's saying she's sorry.
Man, this chick What is she, bipolar? Damn video games.
Billy! Hey, Billy! Dad! - What are you doing?! - Oh, my God! Well, the TV says AV-1 on it, and I'm trying to watch "Dog the Bounty Hunter.
" - Get out! - Oh, my God.
Is there a button I should push here, Billy? - Go! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Damn it, dad! Dad's got to go.
Just lock your door, man.
Look, I've got a girlfriend for the first time ever Oh, that's not really a girlfriend.
She's just a sex addict who loves your big dick.
Sounds like a girlfriend to me, and a good one, at that.
He's always around.
I can't afford to live with a cockblocker.
He's not blocking your cock on purpose.
The intent doesn't matter.
A cock is being blocked.
We can't just kick Walter out.
- You can.
- Me? You're the one who told him to stand up to mom.
Why didn't you just go over to her house and let her suck your dick there, where she's more comfortable? She lives in a fifth-floor walk-up with no elevator.
Is that even legal? I don't know.
I'll ask her Armenian slum lord to put one in.
Until then, he's got to go.
What if Janice won't take him back? Ah, I'm sure she will.
She probably misses torturing him already.
Okay.
Let's go and talk to her.
No, you go.
I'm gonna stay here.
Why? She's your mother.
I'm not getting in the middle of this shit show.
Then why'd you come? For moral support.
Moral Who needs moral support? W-W-What am I, an 8-year-old? "Come on, Jim! You can do it!" No, I'm an adult! I need actual support.
Oh, stuff you.
Taking care of a cripple, some bald bastard.
His kid comes over, I feed her, pay for you.
Fine.
You want help? I'll help.
- Yeah, I knocked.
I don't think - L-Look, I you know what? I want him gone, too.
He's my dad, and I love him, but I've had my fill of gray pubes in the shower drain.
- Let's go.
- No, you don't You don't You don't want to see this.
It's fine.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
- Well, then I want to see.
- No, you don't.
I'm gonna go look! I want to see what it is! Jim, get off of me! What is the matter with you?! You - Aah! - Ah, okay.
- Whore! Whore! - All right.
- Yeah.
- You whore! Come on.
How could she betray my dad like this?! - Slutty whore! - Get in the car, get in the car, get in the car.
How could she do that?! I teach you to bang my mom, you old fart.
Come on! Go! Go! What are you doing?! Come on! Get in the car! - You picked up shit! - Come on! - You picked up shit! That was shit! - Go! - I know! - Shit! You picked up shit! - I know! - I can't believe you picked up shit! Drive! Just drive! Well, my mom's a whore.
There it is.
All right, let's not talk about it anymore.
What are we gonna do about your dad? Don't ask me.
I make terrible decisions constantly.
He's left us a letter.
"Boys, thank you for being there for me.
I know when I'm not wanted, and now I go back from whence I came.
" Whence? He uses middle English when he's sad.
No.
"Whence" means he's going home.
Billy, what have you done? Well, I knew you pussies couldn't tell him, so I did.
Did you talk to mom? We just saw her getting drilled by some old saggy-ass dude.
- What? - I saw your mother naked.
I saw her.
Have you ever seen her naked? It's like a Jim Henson puppet where they've ripped the felt off.
Mom's a whore, Billy.
All right, whatever.
I don't have time for this.
Look, Tess is coming over later, and I'm trying to break the top 1,000 of "Intent to Kill.
" We got to stop him.
You said we shouldn't tell him.
No, he's got guns and a simmering rage that's been building for decades.
You're right.
You should go.
And try not to come back before 11:00.
No gunshots That's a good sign.
Yeah, if we're lucky, he's already killed them and himself.
Hi, boys! Oh, well, she seems like she's in a good mood.
Of course.
She's full of old-man jizz.
Hi, Steve.
Hello, mother.
Hi, Jim, honey.
What's with you? Nothing.
Well, what a nice surprise.
So, how's your father? He's not here? No.
Why would he be? Ah, he said he was gonna pick up a few things.
Really? Uh, w-when? Like an hour ago.
But he's not here, so who gives a shit? Yeah, but he could just drop by at any time.
Um, you know, if he does, make sure he calls first.
- Of course.
- Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Of course she would It's just common courtesy to call before you come over to someone's house.
So All right.
Good visit.
Uh, bye, Jim.
Good to see you.
Bye, sweetie.
- I love you.
- Real nice, mom.
Steve, get in the car.
You're acting odd.
All right.
Sleep well, mom.
If you sleep at all.
Don't worry about it.
It happens.
Well, they said this could be a side effect of the medication.
Whatever it is, I'm sure it won't be permanent.
Uh, do you want to get some food or maybe see a movie or something? I'd really like to, but I kind of have to go.
Well, where you going? Just Out.
Out where? To meet some friends.
Just thought maybe we could spend some time together.
Not tonight, Billy.
So I can't get hard and you're gonna leave? Uh Fine.
I'll stay.
No, no! Don't stay.
Don't stay out of pity.
I just wanted somebody to hang out with.
Eh.
I have to go.
I can't do this.
Tess, wait.
I'm sorry.
Tess! Walter, if you could just call or text, or just Anything would be great.
Just tell us you're okay.
So, all right.
Straight to voice-mail.
Wonder where he could be.
Hopefully nowhere near that cheating whore.
I'm sure he's all right.
Sure.
It's L.
A.
he's all alone.
What could possibly go wrong? He's pretty handy, though.
He can take care of himself.
I guess.
- Is that dad? - No, it's it's Katie.
Oh, come on.
Don't do it, Jim.
"Can't talk right now.
Text later.
" You're doing it.
Unbelievable.
- What? - You're pouring gas on the flames.
Just said, "Can't talk.
" You are communicating! That is exactly what she's looking for.
What is wrong with you? Georgia and Todd texted behind my back the whole time they were having that affair.
They had to text behind your back.
That's the only way they could have sex behind your back.
All right.
Don't be a Todd.
- I'm not a Todd.
- Kind of are.
All right, what do you want to hear? Um, that I think about her all the time? Yes, I do.
I don't want to, but I do.
So, what? Now she's your soul mate? Not my soul mate.
I'm not a child.
I don't believe that there's one person in the world that's perfect for you.
I believe that, you know, statistically, there's a thousand people we could all be paired up with, but out of those thousand people, sure, Katie's special to me.
Maybe me and Katie could be like Romeo and Juliet or, uh, Todd and Georgia, if you will.
You're a dick.
Drink up.
We have an old man to find.
Okay, Todd.
All right, no one's seen dad.
I called Ted with the houseboat, bill from bowling, and Dan with the big red booze nose down at Scruffy's Nothing.
And he hasn't been home? No, I checked.
I didn't tell mom, though.
Of course, she's too full of old-man jizz to care.
Steve, Jesus, that's your mum.
And she's full of old-man jizz! Maybe he got lucky and got run over by a city bus.
- What's wrong with you? - He broke up with Tess.
The doctor said those pills I'm taking are making my dick not work.
So I have a decision Video games or pussy.
Just like Sophie's choice.
'Course, you don't have to talk to video games when you're through with them.
Right.
Then I would definitely say video games.
Girls are nothing but trouble.
What? Yeah, he's been texting with Katie Knox.
Thinks she might have been the one.
Everybody thinks the whole concept of "The One" is bullshit till they find the girl.
Then they know it's true.
I don't think it's bullshit.
I know Georgia was the one.
What are we gonna do about dad? He's out there somewhere.
We just got to keep looking.
We'll find him.
Dad? I'm sorry.
- Reggie.
- Hey, Jimmy.
You seen Walter lately? No.
Longest he's ever gone without getting a slice.
- All right, thanks, man.
- All right.
- Hey, Ro? - Yeah.
Has Walter been walking your rounds with you lately? No.
Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine.
Will you call me if you see him, though? Yeah, sure.
You boys left us at water park! You owe us money! No, a-actually, it's my dad and and Walter that owe you money for that.
We're here.
We should No, no, let's go.
- No! - Somebody owe us money! Mm-hmm.
Just Stop it! Please, don't do that.
- Jim.
- Copy that.
We have an old man that went missing a few days ago.
Yes, he's our dad.
white male.
We got a John Doe, No.
Okay, let's go.
Wait.
We, uh, fished one out of the drain pipes down on canal streets last night.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
That's not him.
Oh, you're right.
Oh.
I don't want to die alone like that guy.
How do you know he died alone? Maybe his friends were dunking him.
Hey, get off my phone, will you? - Get your medical marijuana! - Oh, here we go.
Here's everything marijuana causes.
Get your medical marijuana! - What do we got here? - Get your medical marijuana! Hey, I'm working! - Walter! - Dad! Oh, my God.
He's getting away! Oh, for crying out loud.
Billy, stay in the van! Like I have a choice! - Jesus, he's fast! - I know! Whoa.
Hey, detain that leaf! - Whoa! - Aah! - Get him, Jim! Darn it! Oh! Aah! Jesus, dad! Roll me over! I got sand in my asshole.
Oh, come on! I can't get up! I thought about going back home, but I also thought, "Why break back into prison?" And you haven't been home? No.
And you haven't seen mom? No.
No, I was wandering around down here, met some homeless people They're terrific.
And the pot leaf? Oh, it's not just a pot leaf, son.
See, I've entered the medical profession.
I was a greeter for a long time.
I have the experience, and I'm a people person.
Dad, you can't stay out here.
Walter, come and stay with us.
Yeah, dad.
No offense, guys, but you're all whiny and depressed.
You sit around all day playing video games.
You look ridiculous.
You're full-grown adults, for crying out loud.
You really got to get your shit together.
No, I'm I'm better off homeless.
Thanks.
Walter, you can't stay out here.
Sure, I can.
Living the unencumbered life, the pure life.
All right, fine.
Whatever, you crazy old bastard.
- Come on, Jim, let's go.
- No, we're staying.
- What? - Walter, we'll stay with you.
If you want to stay out here, we'll stay with you.
What do you mean "We"? You idiots can do whatever you like.
I got to go home.
Okay.
Uh, I'll take Billy home.
You stay here with your dad.
I'll be right back.
- Unless you're scared.
- Of course I'm not scared.
It'll give me and dad a chance to have a little chat.
There you go A little bonding time.
See, boys? This is living.
Yeah, yeah, I can see the appeal, Walter, but this isn't really a long-term plan, is it? Well, Jim, as John Lennon once said, life is what happens when you don't have any plans.
No, he didn't say that at all.
What do you do for a living? Me? I'm a stand-up comedian.
- Name? - Jim Jefferies.
Never heard of you.
Finger on the pulse of the old comedy industry, do you? What about you? Well, I'm, uh I'm between jobs right now.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Why are you out here, Joe? My wife, she started up an affair online.
Wouldn't leave it alone.
She leaves me for this guy.
I started drinking, a lot.
Then I got into blow, got all cracked up one night and hit a guy on a bike with my car A cyclist.
- Did the guy die? - No, he lived.
But I did six months in jail, lost my job, had some healthy legal fees, never played for the Dodgers again.
They took my kids, so I just started partying.
I said, "Screw it.
What's the point, right?" I've been down here ever since.
Bet the guy that had the affair feels bad now.
Nah.
He's raising my kids.
Hey, I got some edibles here from the, uh, dispensary.
Look at that.
There you go.
Pass that around, will you, Joe? Yeah.
It's open.
Hi, Tess.
I miss you.
Really? - Billy, this is - Don't make it any worse.
Look, I get it.
I'm hard to be with.
I'm a freak.
No, I I have a history A-A pattern.
I use sex to cover up my feelings.
I'm sorry you felt used.
I like you.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Tess.
- Yeah? Can you hand me that controller, please? Oh.
Sure.
Thank you.
Tess I haven't been able to move my hands in five years.
And the time I've spent with you, it's been amazing.
Oh, man, this is so hard to say.
Just say it.
I can't see you anymore.
- What? - No, it's not you.
It's "Intent to Kill," and You're dumping me? For a video game? Yeah, but but it was a really hard choice.
Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, Tess.
- Oh, my God.
- Tess.
- No.
I liked you.
I like you, too.
- I just - Screw yourself.
You screw yourself with your giant dick.
- Tess.
- Just shove it up there.
Move out! You know what's good about those edibles? It was because they're, like Wow.
You know, it's what makes them good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why is she crying? Is she not high enough? Her husband died last night after they had a big fight.
They found him in a drainage ditch down by the canals passed out facedown in two inches of water.
Agnes? Agnes.
Agnes, Agnes.
- What was his name? - Terry.
We saw Terry.
- What? - We saw him.
We saw his dead body.
What? Yeah, we were looking for his dead body, but then we saw your husband's dead body.
- He was very peaceful.
- Yeah.
He was very bloated, but he's very peaceful.
- Right.
- This isn't helping! We fought every day, all day.
What did you fight about? The same stuff everybody does.
He didn't listen.
I have needs.
He's selfish.
Didn't fight about bills, though, did you? So We were together 38 years.
When you've been with somebody that long, you don't miss them until they're gone.
And now he's dead.
Maybe if we just faced our problems head-on, we could've gotten over anything.
Boys I need to go home.
Is it safe? Okay.
Come on, dad.
Hi, mom.
We brought dad home.
Hi, Janice.
I sure did miss you.
Can I come home? Come on.
This is where I belong.
I'd like to be able to say I'll be better, but that'd be a lie, 'cause I'll just be me.
Come here, you.
We better go home.
- You okay to drive? - No.
Oh, uh, Jim, you can sleep on the floor.
And, Steve, the couch is yours.
Let's walk.
We'll walk.
We're gonna walk.
I really shouldn't drive.
I-I wouldn't drive.
Thanks, boys.
Just north of steinbeck's cannery row Hey.
Where's Tess? I made my choice.
Tess was collateral damage.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right! All right, man.
What rank are you now? I'm aiming for the regionals in Vegas.
_ - Well, count me in.
- Cool.
I'm gonna crash.
Good night.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
Good night, Billy.
Night, Jimbo.
Die, die, die, die, die.