Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Intervention

I don't know, man.
I just remember they threw these two roosters into the ring, they started fighting, and I blacked out.
Sorry for punching you.
Really, I [Scoffs] I deserved it.
Was one hell of a bender.
Think I left my gun at the cockfight.
Or maybe at the playground.
Playground? No, that was my pants.
What's weird is, I don't know how I wound up on the beach in my underwear, 'cause, uh one minute I'm at this like supergay party, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up facedown on a lawn chair, in my underwear, with my feet in the ocean.
I mean God, I hope I didn't blow a dude.
Or worse.
Was your asshole bleeding? No more than usual.
Ah, you're fine.
We've all been there.
I don't think you improved your chances of getting Emily back.
Yeah, well I'm gonna do better.
Look at this.
"Be a better man, stop drinking, be a better father.
" I think number two should be first, and then if you're number three, you'll automatically be number one.
I'm serious.
I'm making changes.
- [Cellphone beeps] - Hey.
What, you texting Katie? No.
All right? I-I'm asking people to come over later on.
- You giving up drinking tomorrow? - Yeah, I guess so.
All right, so we have fun tonight, right? It's practice.
Good luck, Steve.
Who's that guy? No idea.
I was at the cockfight.
Oh, God.
[Laughs] Quit being a dick.
[Indistinct conversations] [Conversations stop] [Dog barking] Hey.
I'm Zack.
And the group is very concerned about what's going on with you and your substance abuse.
What? Is this some is this an intervention? Yes.
For me? Or me? Oh, um w-which one's Steve? Him.
The bald one.
Oh, yeah.
I-it's you, so have a seat.
Steve: Okay.
This is good.
'Cause, uh, I was just telling Jim earlier that, um I'm gonna quit tomorrow.
Jim: Show them the napkin.
I wrote it on a napkin.
Steve, there's a place that you can go to straightaway from here.
That's the guy who was banging your mum the other day.
Oh, God.
And everyone here loves you.
Wal sorry.
Walter, n-no clapping.
I just know Steve from the firing range.
"Love" is a strong word.
Yeah, hey, Gene, I got a gun question for you after this is, you know, finished.
I'm your guy.
Let's focus on Steve.
Excuse me.
What the hell is Ted doing here? Oh, he's, um, battled some demons.
I saw him battling a demon the other day.
He's very good at it.
Steve, I've been keeping tabs on you through the family.
I've been keeping tabs on you through the window, Ted.
And I want you to know I'm here for you, buddy.
That's great, Ted.
So, if there are any questions before we start Yes.
Um Hi.
My name's Jim.
All: Hi, Jim! You don't have to do that.
That's another group different group.
All right, look, I've got to say, I'm disappointed with everyone here.
I think that I should've been involved in the preparation of this soiree.
The group feels that you're a part of the problem.
A big part of the problem.
Me? No! I-I'm helpful.
I-I Walter and Steve get into a bar fight, I have to bail them out of prison.
Ramona was there.
She's a problem.
Don't even, Jim.
I took the car out of the tow yard.
I paid for that.
And Billy's chair was locked in there.
I got the chair back.
I had to play a game of chess against a horde of Mexican gangbangers.
I was just in the bar with Steve, and I told him to take an inventory of his life, didn't I? Yeah.
You were at a bar, Jim.
Yes, Zack.
It was in a bar.
That's where men talk.
[Laughs] He's got you there, Zack.
A bar is where you go when you want to talk.
I mean, men don't pour out their heart and souls sober.
It's it's awkward.
Zack: No, that that's not true.
Like father, like loser.
Uh, thank you.
Georgia, would you like to let Steve know how this feels? Um, Steve Emily's the most important thing in the world to me, and you're her father.
- Well, I care about you.
- Todd: We care.
And even though we're getting married Zack: Don't bring that up.
Uh You're still kind of her dad.
I, uh I-I prepared something.
Uh I don't want to hear from this dick.
[Sniffs] "Dear Steve.
"When I was driving down the Pacific Coast highway "and spotted you in your underwear, "my first thought was, "'Who's that homeless guy?' "and then I was like, 'Hey, that's Steve.
' love, Todd.
" Really had to write that down, huh, Todd? Maybe you should've been more concerned with Emily's well-being when you were just the guy across the street who was drilling her mom.
Uh, I'm I'm sorry.
Who? Her.
Ramona: You see She was Steve's wife at the time Emily's mama.
- The whore.
- [Scoffs] - Zack: Uh, okay.
- Takes one to know one.
Let's back it up so we can move forward.
"Back it up, move it forward"? Georgia: Steve, you may not realize this, but you are writing your history as a father.
- [Groans] - And I don't want her story to be that her dad chose booze over her.
She's right.
We don't want Emily to be a stripper, do we? That's where she's headed.
You know? 'Cause it's always daddy issues.
It's never a problem with the mum.
[Sighs] They always say they just want to be dancers.
They want to be professional dancers.
But there's y-you know, no one's a professional dancer in this world.
You got to have other skills.
Um, okay.
Thank you, Jim, for sharing your emotion.
Um Walter, would you like to say something to Steve? [Clears throat] Yeah.
Uh, Stevie-boy I've always told you that when life gives you lemons, y-you try to make lemonade out of it, but, yeah, I know lately life's been throwing you a lot of lemons and you just end up making shit, so Stop making shit.
Thanks, dad.
Okay, no, no.
Sit down, please.
No no no clapping, no standing.
Not gonna get a better speech than that, Zack.
Uh, Walter, is that is that it? Well, I was wondering, uh is it okay to have a beer at these things? No, it's an intervention.
- [Cellphone beeps] - [Chuckles] All right.
I feel a progress.
Do you? Gonna gonna have a little break.
- I need a break.
- Zack: All right.
Got to top that cheese up.
Making progress.
Hey, Zack, can I sit over there? Thanks for coming over, Darren.
I appreciate it.
Anything for you, Jim.
You sure that's gonna be enough? Big party, man.
Oh, it's not a party.
It's an intervention out the back.
I'm not comfortable with that.
It's not my intervention, okay? Really? Yeah.
I'm just Steve's buddy from the firing range.
You know, he likes to have a drink, and people lose their kids every day or whatever, but When you lost your gun, that's when I knew you had a problem, and I'm here for you.
Thanks, Gene.
That means a lot.
You lost your gun? Janice, I-I'd like you to share now.
You tried earlier, but Thank you, Zack.
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
I've written some things down.
- "Dear Steve, I love you, but I have" - I got to piss.
"made a list of all the things I hate" I Oh, keep going.
No, I'll wait until you get here because I've got a long list and Don't hold your breath! It's pointless if I do it alone! It's pointless anyway! Steve: Jim, where are you?! Dude, you ordered coke?! This is an intervention! I ordered before I knew we were having an intervention.
- Hey, Steve.
- Hey, Sin Nombre.
Hey, can I do a line real quick? So, is this intervention for blow? - No.
- Oh.
Steve, this is not a good idea.
- [Snorts] - Come on, man.
I'm going away to rehab.
What's one little line gonna hurt? Yeah, just let him.
Just do it in the bedroom, all right? We have an intervention back there.
You too.
Get in.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey.
Mwah! Hey.
I love a day party.
Um, look, keep it down.
We have an intervention out in the back.
[Snorting] - Yeah! - Hey! Ah! Hey! Whose intervention is it? - It's mine.
- Yay! - Ooh! - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Got to go, player.
- Good luck with your intervention, Steve.
- Yeah.
- I'm here for you.
- Thanks, sin nombre.
- Call me Darren.
- Darren.
- That means a lot, man.
- Jim: See ya, Darren.
Who wants to go first? - Me! - Me, me! [Indistinct conversations] Steve: This is a really great idea.
I'm glad we did this, man.
You guys are the best.
'Cause I feel better, and it's because of this.
This is making me feel really good.
'Cause I can feel the love from you guys.
It's great, what you're doing, this whole thing.
It's cool.
And I don't know whose turn it is, who's supposed to talk next, but if you want to talk, talk.
You know.
I can talk if you want me to.
I can talk about the problem all day.
I don't know that I necessarily need rehab, but Jim: You know you're hurting people, right? - Yep, I know it.
I know I'm hurting people.
- I think he's being And the hurting's got to stop.
I think Steve would be the first to admit that he has problems.
Be the first to admit it.
- I mean - Yeah.
- Like, you have - I have problems.
You have pr first.
He did it first.
- Before him.
- Before me.
And he's hurting people.
I feel hurt.
You're probably hurt, you're hurt, you're hurt, you're hurt.
Georgia hurt.
Wouldn't imagine it, but he's also hurt, Steve.
Time for me to stop hurting people.
Yeah, don't want to hurt people.
- Zack: Steve.
- Yes.
Are you really hearing this? What?! Yes.
I hear it loud and clear, man.
It's it's it's like I'm in an echo chamber.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
It's all, like Healing, healing, healing.
But I hear it all, you know? What's going on with you two? Oh, um, Billy, it's Janice's time.
- So, Janice? - Mm-hmm, thank you.
"Steve, if you don't get help, "bad things are gonna keep happening, - and you're my son.
" - [Women laughing] [Crying] "And I love you.
"And I will love you no matter what.
- But I don't think that" - [Women shouting] I'm so sorry.
I-I just there's so many things.
I'm not sure what to cover.
And I-I just I don't know if I should start when he was 4, and B-v-v-v-v-v! [Imitates explosion] Truth bombs.
Blowing my mind.
Powerful stuff there, Janice.
- Don't cry, mom.
- Don't cry.
It's gonna be good.
I never brought back the cheese.
Um - Jim? - Jim: In the bedroom! - Jim, you're not paying any attention to me today.
- I am.
Just Hey! Stop.
That's so embarrassing.
What's up, man? I got some bitches.
Yeah, Al, Brad, bitches, hi.
- Blow? You mind if I - Yeah, go.
What's up, guys? Can I get a boost? Mandy: Hey, you guys, keep it down.
There's an intervention going out back.
About time, Jim.
- It's not for me.
It's for Steve.
- Oh.
Then do a line, homey.
Come on, man.
Well, it's my coke.
Yes, of course.
Hold on.
I want another one.
This is the best intervention I've ever been to.
I know.
Right? [Snorting] Oh, shit! Wow.
Oh, my God.
I love your comedy.
I dance.
I'm a dancer.
Yeah, I studied in school.
I actually have been a ballerina since like 3.
Well, actually 4.
[Humming] Ramona: Steve, you're a good man, but, uh lately, you seem like you've fallen off the tracks, and you're you're having a hard time getting back on.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Now, I don't know if you need rehab.
But I do know that you need God.
I'm good with God.
I dig God.
Me and God make a good partnership, I think.
That's right.
Get your spirit right.
And you.
Me and you and God.
I think, if this goes well, maybe we could all open a like, a rehab center together.
And I'll do your job, Zack.
So I'll be a screwup who's now helping other screwups not screw up, right? 'Cause you used to screw up a lot.
I-I've had my issues, yes.
Knew it! I can see the future.
I can see the future on this thing.
I see a future where I'm sober, you know, like totally sober.
And we're all running this rehab center together, right? Helping people get better, right? And we're kicking the shit out of that thing.
- Okay, but - Pow! Steve, first things first.
But I think you might be putting the cart before the horse on this one.
I don't think so.
I think if you put a cart in front of a horse, it's going nowhere, so your metaphor falls apart.
Right? Where's Jim? Ooh.
[Inhales deeply] My stomach.
I need to go lay down in the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
- I just I have so much more to go through.
- Zack: I know.
When they were paying to w-watch me dance, I couldn't figure out how to, like, actually make them look at my dance moves.
Hey-oh! [Chuckles] Hey.
- Jesus.
- Glad you're here.
Hey, can you talk to these girls for me? Why? 'Cause they're boring the shit out of me.
- Oh.
- How's it going out there? - Good.
I think we're making some real progress.
- Okay.
Hey, ladies, welcome to my intervention.
- Hi, Todd.
- Hey.
How you doing, Todd? How good are you at keeping a secret? I have not done that in years.
- Mind if I do a little? - Todd.
Georgia's just out there.
Yeah, but is she in here? - No.
- Exactly.
I'll do you one.
Hey, Jim! Jim: Bedroom! [Snorts] Ooh! That was a good one! Everyone, this is Rodney.
Rodney's here.
All: Rodney! - Rodney's awesome.
- You're awesome.
- Mm.
- You're really cute.
You know, I still had so much more, so I'm hoping that you're Well, I asked you to edit it down, so A little late, I must say, because No, it was two days prior.
Okay, I'm gonna go, uh, grab a soda or something.
I'll come with.
Oh, my God! I love Cincinnati! - Really? - Yeah.
The bengals, the reds! What's that amusement park? King's Landing! Yeah! Yes! You do know it.
Oh, my God.
It's so good, isn't it? It's so good.
It's so nice.
I like this guy.
Steve: He's great, isn't he? All: Todd! [Chuckles] I got to go.
Where are you going? I got to go back to my intervention.
Well, you are going to rehab, so I thought maybe I would give you a little sendoff.
All: Sendoff! [Laughs] - Yeah.
- Yeah? You could probably send me off in the bathroom.
That's so romantic.
I'm in.
[Indistinct conversations] - He's getting blown.
- What's that? Is that cocaine? - Jim: Yeah.
- That's illegal.
I know.
Cool gun! Can I buy one? - [Gun cocks] - Todd: Oh, Jesus! Gene: You got to take a test, wait 10 days.
How hard is the test? If you can shower yourself, you can pass it.
That must be some stomach trouble.
Oh, I wouldn't go in there.
I'd give the latrine a wide berth, if I was you.
Steve's really shitting the place up, getting a lot of stuff out Emotions, regret mostly shit.
So, uh, anyone want anything to eat? Not right now.
- I'll give you a blowjob - Yeah? If you give me some blow to leave with.
- Done.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
For sure.
- Okay.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- All right.
Well, get yourself hard, then.
- What?! - Yeah.
No, no.
That's part of the job.
Oh, no, it's not.
It's a blow job.
You have to work.
No, I want you to do the work.
It's a job.
It's not blow play.
Who wants to do coke off my back? - I do! - I do! - Me! I found this under the bed Oh, my God.
You are so cute.
You know, I have another one of these in the valley in an hour, so I Hi, everybody! All: Hi, Rodney.
Rodney, what are you doing here? I don't know you.
[Chuckles] I'm Zack.
Zack attack! This is a fun party! Well, it's actually not a party.
It's called an intervention.
We're trying to help Steve.
Don't condescend me! Steve is in the bathroom with a girl while everybody else inside is sniffing the table.
- What? - That's a fact, Zack.
Sniff-sniff! - [Gasps] - Georgia: Oh, my God.
Those dicks! Can you hum? Can you hum for me? Just hum.
Like, "The battle Hymn of the Republic," something like that.
Rock-a-bye baby - Hello?! - Shit.
- On the treetop - Steve? Everyone, hide! Hide! Mandy: Cradle will rock - Oh, my God.
- When the bough breaks Oh, my God.
What Steve! Where are you?! - Come on, dick! Come on, dick! - Will come, baby - Oh! - Aah! - Mom! Mom! - Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?! I thought you locked the door! Mom! Wait! Like you've never seen it.
Everyone, party's over.
Just get out.
- Sorry.
I got to go.
- Oh, God! Want to know what you were doing back there, - what you were talking about.
- N-nothing.
- Were you guys doing drugs? - What?! No! Look at me.
Don't lie to me.
I did a little.
- You did?! - [Gasps] Mom, wait.
Don't go.
I gathered all these really nice people for your benefit - I can't even talk to you.
- and what did we get? Whores snorting coke on a midget! Brad: What? Hey! Don't call him a midget.
They like to be called dwarves.
"Midget" is like the N-word in their language.
Shut up, Jim.
I can't believe you were doing coke at your intervention.
Shut up, Billy.
Shame on you, Jim.
Shame on me?! May I note that the whole midget/coke/whore party broke out after the intervention? So if you all had just called me and we had some communication in this group, none of this would've happened.
It was a total accident.
That's what it was an accident.
That's what you are.
You are one big fat accident! I know that we don't have the most perfect family.
Ha! "Perfect.
" That's good, mom.
That's right.
My brother has died seven times, you're a hoarder, and my dad lives in a tent in the backyard.
Not to mention, I drop by the house the other day and see you banging Ted here through the window.
- What? - Woman: Oh, my God.
- Wha - When did this happen? When you disappeared and were living outdoors.
Ted? She called.
Why didn't you tell me? Well, I-I didn't think the old rules still applied.
Rules? What rules? Years ago, your mother and I decided to open up our relationship.
I don't want to know.
She's got a lifetime pass with him, and I had the same deal with his wife, and Oh, this is so weird.
That expired when she died.
Bad deal for you, eh, Walter? Yeah, I'll say.
My wife died.
Oh, great.
Isn't that rich? My parents, the swingers.
But I'm the one who's got the problem, right? Anybody else got any secrets they want to reveal? [Sighs] [Snoring] Oh, put your hand down.
Todd? Uh, I don't really want to have the baby.
Ooh, aren't you confident on coke.
What? Coke? What?! Uh, it's just 'cause you pressured me into it.
Steve: Wow.
How do you like that? Another liar.
There you go.
- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no.
I honey Don't touch me.
Get off of me.
It's just 'cause what I meant was that I was I'm scared.
Thanks for coming by.
I think we should all slow down, just take a deep breath.
- We've gotten off track.
- Oh, right, right, right.
And that's why we're gonna have Jim come in and make everything all right.
- I-I'm just saying that - Steve: Don't blame him.
Yes, I can blame him! Do you think that Jim is ever gonna be a legitimate adult? He's not gonna amount to nothing, and he is gonna drag you right down into the gutter! Stop blaming everybody else! That's all this family ever does! Nobody can take responsibility for their own problems! - Steve's a loser, the biggest.
- Thanks, brother.
I'm dying.
And Jim well, Jim's probably the only honest one among us! Jim, you want to be involved in this intervention? You're involved now.
Now you tell Steve what you think.
Look, we're sorry about the coke party.
- We are.
- Jim.
We're actually making some progress.
Stop the bullshit.
Tell Steve how you feel.
Steve, I, um I love you.
Everyone here does, and that's why they're here, and things haven't been going right with you for a long time, a-and we know it.
We all Look, I think if you're honest with yourself, you already You already know what you need to do.
Be a better father.
[Hand Dog Expression's "We Came We Saw" plays] That girl's snatch tastes like cigarettes.
Did you ever hear a car running outside? Thanks, man.
Hey, don't thank me.
I seem to be a big part of the problem.
I'll see you in a month.
Put on the radio and let it play Just tell the desert that I'm on my way Well, uh, good luck.
It's too late to turn back now It's too late