Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sober

Where's Billy? He wanted to stay home so he could practice for this video-game competition.
Jim! Can I get a box of Sugar O's? No.
We have Sugar O's at home.
Yeah, but I got that box before I went off to rehab, man.
And this one has a different toy.
What's the toy? Submarine.
- Then get it.
- Yes! Jim, what are we doing? Jim Jefferies? Hey, that's Jim Jefferies.
Oh! Hey.
- Katie.
- Yeah, Jim.
- Hey, wow.
Katie.
- Wow.
Steve, how are you? This is my husband, Trevor.
- Hey.
- My son.
- G'day, mate.
- And these are our kids.
This is our Rodney.
I made this shirt, by the way.
That's a lie.
I bought that for him.
Okay.
Been so long.
H-how are you guys? I've been good, thanks.
It's good to finally meet you, man.
How many gigs did you drag me to up north, eh? All your shows.
You never went up and said hi.
Well, yeah.
I didn't want to bother you.
You could have bothered me.
It wouldn't have been a trouble.
It's because you two had a thing, right? I'm just joking.
Like 20 years ago, you had a thing.
What sort of a jealous dickhead would I be to hold that grudge? - Yeah.
- Come on.
Wow.
Well, that's a lot of alcohol.
Oh.
That's our daily dosage.
No, we're having a party, so Yeah, this guy's turning the big 40.
Jim, you should come along.
All you guys should come to the party.
- I'm not allowed to go to parties yet.
- No, we we can't, no.
Yeah, no, that's fine.
It was really great seeing you guys.
- I'm sure we'll see you around.
- Uh, honey.
It'd be fun to have them at your party.
We'd love to come.
We can't come.
Me and Steve have given up drinking.
I haven't.
He hasn't? Yeah.
You guys should you should come.
It's gonna be great.
Uh, lots of good food and pretty girls.
And this guy can drink.
Damn straight! Yeah.
And it's a rock 'n' roll theme, so you can dress up as your favorite rock 'n' roller.
Come on.
You want us there? Yeah, you should come.
Then we'll be there.
Great.
- Huh.
- Address? Our address is 1504 Terrell Drive, Glendale.
Memorized.
- All right.
- Okay.
- We'll see you.
- See you later.
- Great! - Yep.
What was that? I don't know.
It was awkward.
It was awkward because you had sex with her a couple of months ago.
How does he know? I got to stop calling him when I'm drunk.
Wait.
So, you banged a married chick and now you're going to her house? What is this? What are we doing here? W-w-what is it, a convention? - Is it a music festival? - It's a biker thing.
I don't like this.
T-t-t-there's no stage.
What am I meant to do, just stand there and just yell at people at eye level? It's like a drunk guy at a party.
The money's good, though.
I think I'm nervous.
I didn't think you got nervous.
I just haven't been on stage for a while, and I haven't had a drink for like six weeks.
- Why? - Steve's been in rehab, and I promised him that I wouldn't drink.
Have you performed sober before? Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big welcome to Jim Jefferies! I must have.
Jim sober.
This should be fun.
Hello.
Um Hello.
Boo! Boo! Boo! - What happened? - I think I had a panic attack.
All right.
All right.
Listen, listen.
D-don't worry.
Don't worry.
I want you to come into the office, and we're gonna fix this.
All right? Don't don't drive crazy.
Just be safe.
I got your back, man.
Okay, Mike.
Thank you.
You're fired.
Excuse me? You're fired.
Why did you bring me into your office to tell me this? Why didn't you just tell me this over the phone? What? Because I'm a gentleman, Jim.
Everybody knows you can't just dump somebody over the phone.
It's bad karma.
You can't fire me.
You work for me.
Oh, okay.
I quit.
It was just one panic attack.
Jim, it's not just the panic attack.
All right? This has been a long time coming.
First you you lost the movie.
You're screwing up gigs.
I can't get you bookings.
You won't work clean.
You won't do TV.
It's just nobody wants you.
I'm working on some clean stuff right now.
Okay, great.
What's it about? - Gun control.
- See? What is it with you and having opinions? Well, you got to have an opinion.
No, you don't, Jim.
No, you don't.
Yes, you do.
The problem with opinions is not everybody agrees with them and opinions don't make money.
That's just your opinion.
No, it's not! Larry the Cable Guy, he makes millions, he has no opinion.
I've never heard him say an opinion, but I'm sure he has some.
He's a hillbilly who installs your cable.
That's funny.
Listen, Jim.
If it was up to me, you'd stay.
But I'm getting a lot of heat from upstairs.
Well, downstairs, actually.
This is the top floor, so it's a thing.
But we can't keep doing this.
- So that's it? - That's it.
Jim I'm sorry.
Get 'er done! See? That's funny.
What are we doing here? What are you talking about? What's the point of coming to this place sober? What are we supposed to do, talk to people? We don't need booze to party.
What are your definitions of partying? Well, you know, hanging out, meeting new people.
Nope, nope, nope.
Get-together.
That's a get-together.
Partying is getting wasted.
Bang.
Party's getting wasted.
You know, when I think of partying, I think of cocaine and sex.
Yeah, you're right.
When I think of partying, I think of getting drunk.
It was easy when you were young.
When you were young, partying was just eating cake, wearing a paper hat, and someone would give you a bag of candy at the end.
That's not gonna happen here? No.
Oh, hey! You guys made it.
Thanks for having us.
Having a great time.
This is a beautiful place you got here.
You guys look great.
So do you.
You both look great.
You're, um, you're Slash.
Slash.
Got it.
Straightaway.
It's the wig, isn't it? I wanted to be Neil Finn, but she said no one would recognize me.
What are you talking about? Of course they would recognize you.
Neil Finn, the greatest songwriter of our generation? Of course.
What are you talking about? There you go! Jim likes Neil Finn! I told you.
You don't know anything about rock 'n' roll.
You're dressed as, uh Britney Spears.
Britney Spears.
I did question it.
And then she went, "Well, you know, I'm dressing up as a sexy schoolgirl.
" So I went, "All right.
" Green light.
So, what are we drinking? Oh, we're having water.
Oh, that's right.
You're not drinking.
No, I'll have a drink.
What's your poison? I'll have a beer with a large straw.
I'll see what I can do.
Give it a bash.
What the hell are you guys doing here? Sorry.
Why are you at this party? You asked us to come.
I thought I made it very clear at the supermarket that I did not want you to come.
You practically begged us to come.
Yeah, I asked you to come because I didn't want my husband to know that I didn't want you to come.
Did you not pick up on my signals? No, we did not pick up on the signals.
I could see the signals.
- He got it.
- Well, Kate, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, Kate.
We'll just leave.
Well, now you have to stay because he's gonna wonder why you left.
And that's not a signal for us to leave.
You actually want us to stay.
Yes.
I want you to stay.
Do you actually want us to stay, because I'm extraordinarily confused about Ahh, Trevor's back.
Look at that! A beer with a long straw.
- There you go, sir.
- Thanks, mate.
Put it right there.
Oh, yeah.
You got a special holder.
Speech! - Speech, speech! - Speech! Oh, is that me, is it? Okay.
I suppose I should say thank you to everyone.
Thank you all for coming.
And a big special thank-you to my beautiful wife.
Oh.
You've made this party happen.
Yeah.
Just special to celebrate my 40th with my friends and my awesome kids Cassie, James, Max.
Oh, there they are! You get to bed straight after the speech.
It's past their bedtime.
So we adults can have a little bit of fun, eh? Whoo! Well, let's do it! Let's have a wicked party! What's going on? I-I couldn't watch that anymore.
You okay? Yeah, no.
I think I need to sit down.
If I could sit down, that would be You want me to get you some more No, I don't need more water, Steve! I've had enough water to last a lifetime.
- I just need to sit down.
- It's okay, Jim.
Dude.
- Here you go, man.
- It's gonna be okay.
What type of asshole am I? What type of an asshole am I? This guy invites me to his party.
I meet his kids.
You know, and two months ago, I'm screwing his wife.
Hey, easy with that.
- Hey, buddy.
That's not your fault.
- Yeah.
She didn't tell you that she was married until after you slept together.
Yeah, you can't blame yourself.
Yeah, but I still want to have sex with her.
So? I think about it all the time.
It's screwing with my head.
I can't focus.
Right? I-I-I'm screwing up gigs.
I-I'm having panic attacks.
I-I-I can't talk onstage.
- What? - When did this happen? The other day it happened, okay? It was worse than this one, but it happened.
And I-I was onstage, and I couldn't talk.
And I I had a panic attack.
And I just My career's going down the toilet, and we're running out of money.
- What is wrong? - No, we're not.
Listen.
No.
We're gonna fix this, okay? What are you gonna do about it? You're just gonna move on.
Okay.
I know it's cliché, but there really are a ton of other fish in the sea, man.
- She's not that great, man.
- No.
There's tons of chicks that would be crazy about you.
- He's right.
- You mean that? I mean it! Absolutely.
And I'm sober, man.
Of course I mean it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
- Yeah! - You know, she invited us here.
She practically begged us to come.
- Yeah, she did.
- She did beg us.
She begged us, right? Why shouldn't we be having a good time? - We should be having fun.
- Yeah, that's right.
So, what are we gonna do about it? We're gonna get some cake, man! - Get some cake.
- Gonna get some cake.
Like normal people at a party.
We'll have cake.
I like it.
Yeah.
And then we're gonna go talk to some bitches.
All right.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Stand up! - Okay.
Let's do this.
- All right.
- Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.
- Go talk to some bitches.
- All right.
When did we start calling them bitches? This cake is really good.
You're right.
It is really, really good cake.
Bill, you sure you don't want any cake? No, man.
I've been drinking.
This cake's so good, it's better than drinking.
Is it, Steve? Is it really? Yes, sir.
So good I'm gonna have a second piece.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
She's cute, right? The one that looks like Courtney Love.
Yeah, that's a great Courtney Love outfit.
- I should talk to her.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Well, as I live and breathe, Jim Jefferies.
I'm Jim Jefferies.
Jim Jefferies! Hey.
You gonna do some stand up? - Stand up doesn't really work at parties.
- What? Come on.
Are you serious? We'll just we'll get you in the corner there and we'll all circle around you.
Jim, could I speak to you privately for a moment? I won't be a second.
I'll be right back.
No, yeah.
Go.
We'll we'll be right here, Jefferies.
Yeah, that guy was a drunk asshole.
I wanted to get away, as well.
What's your name? Courtney.
Courtney.
Really? Yeah.
Are you in character? Yeah, sure.
Mm.
Look.
Do you want to come upstairs with me and party? Yeah.
Can I help you? Rodney, can we have this room? Uh, sure.
What are you doing in here? This and that.
Peace and love.
Shut the door.
Yeah, sorry.
Of course.
Thank you for rescuing me from that guy.
People are horrible when they're drunk, right? Tell me about it.
Bunch of suburban douchebags.
Hey.
How do you, uh, how do you know Katie and Trevor? Katie is my cousin.
They always throw these stupid parties where everyone gets all, you know, dressed up.
What are you doing? Partying.
That's not partying.
What do you call partying? Cocaine and sex.
What do you call partying? I was never going to have sex with you.
Why not? 'Cause I hardly know you.
Yeah, but you're a heroin addict.
Who says I'm an addict? - Who does heroin casually? - Get out.
So that's not a costume? - Go.
- Okay.
All right.
Go to sleep.
I love you.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you having a good time? Me and the guys should get going.
No, stay.
You want me to stay? Yes, I really want you to stay.
No, you don't.
You're just drunk.
Come on.
Don't be silly.
We're all adults here.
It's not like something's gonna happen.
I got to go.
Why? 'Cause I want something to happen and it can't and it never can.
No, no, no, no.
You're right.
You're right.
- All right.
Goodbye, Katie.
- Bye.
Get out of my house! Trevor, it's not what it looks like.
Just get out! Get out of my house.
Just check on Courtney every 30 minutes.
Okay? How's everybody doing this morning? Fine.
That will teach you to go to a party sober.
I just don't know what happened.
Holy shit! It's Trevor.
- What are we gonna do? - Open the door! I'm gonna get my gun.
When did you get another gun? After the cock fight, before rehab.
Okay.
Go get your gun.
Don't get your gun.
Nobody get a gun.
- Okay, okay.
- God damn.
Trevor.
Jim.
Hey, uh, sorry again for last night, man.
That was crazy.
You have to listen to me.
You screwed my wife.
But worse than that, you screwed with my family.
Never screwed your wife.
Never had sex with your wife.
I had a kiss.
I just It was just a simple Stop lying.
I've read her texts.
I've seen all the e-mails.
All right? I know about the reunion, yeah? You reunited your cock with her pussy! - Yeah.
- All right? So cut the bullshit.
Yeah, okay.
This is my family.
So you better step off.
What did you think was gonna happen? You were gonna take the kids? Where you gonna raise them? Here? In this place? What are you gonna do? Teach them to be Australian? That will take a couple of minutes.
Then what are you gonna do after that? You didn't think it through, did you? I'm a lawyer for a major firm, all right? I'm doing really well.
I'm not right at the top, but I'm working my way up there.
Why don't you check out my reviews on Yelp? Or LinkedIn? You LinkedIn? Probably not.
I can make this really difficult for you.
She'll be in tears so much you won't want to be around her anymore.
So, go on.
Have a go.
- You want to have a go? - No.
No? So what are you gonna do? You'll never hear from me again.
Okay.
Good.
Well, make sure that's the truth.
I promise.
I'm sorry, Jim.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Sit down.
Let me get some water for you.
No.
No.
It's, uh It's fine.
He's right.
He's right.
What did I think was gonna happen? Was Katie gonna leave him and and bring the three kids to live here? I have a career to fix.
Not a marriage to ruin.
I wish Todd would have done that.
Jesus, I need a drink.
That's all.
- Well, get one.
- I can't! I promised boo-face here I wouldn't have a drink.
Just get a drink.
Really? Yeah.
It's obvious you got problems right now.
It's not fair that you should have to take on mine, as well.
Can we get a beer for him, please? Good job.
All right.
Coming to the stage, your next comedian.
- You're gonna love him.
- I got to go.
You might recognize him from his HBO special, - "I swear to God.
" - Go get 'em, Jimbo.
Don't be nervous.
Picture them in their underwear.
- Please welcome Jim Jefferies.
- It's gonna be great! Hello.
Uh, hi.
I'd like to, um, talk about gun control.
All right.
That's the response I thought I'd get.
Now, in America, you had a massacre where little kids died, and your government went, "Maybe we'll get rid of the big guns.
" And you all went, "Don't take my guns!" Yeah, and this is where it gets confusing.
Now, I-I stand up for your right to have guns.
I stand up for your right to be able to have them.
But what I don't stand up for is bullshit arguments.
There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun.
And this is the argument: off.
I like guns.
Then the next argument is, "I should be allowed to have a gun because I'm a hunter.
I hunt for sport.
" No, you don't.
You hunt because you're a dickhead.
Hunting is not a sport.
Sports have winners and losers.
When have you ever lost at hunting? When have you come home and one of your kids is missing and your wife's like, "Where's Timmy?" And you're like, "Aww.
" "The duck had a gun.
"He got us this time.
"But we'll get him next time, you know? At least it was fair.
" See? This is the thing, right? People start going, "You take the guns away, right, "then only the bad people will have guns.
Only the criminals will have guns.
" That's not true.
They took the guns away in Britain.
They took the guns away in Australia and crime substantially dropped.
Now, you take the guns away, people go, "Well, then the criminals will just have guns.
" It's not true because, okay, the bushmaster gun that killed all those kids at Sandy Hook costs like a $1,000 American.
The same gun in the black market in Australia costs $32,000.
Now, if you have $32,000, you don't need to be a criminal 'cause you've got $32,000.
You're a great little saver.
Keep going.
You're a go-getter.
Okay.
The main argument with having a gun is protection.
"I need it for protection.
I need it to protect my family.
It's very important that I have a gun for protection.
" We all know that's bullshit because they've proven that if you have a gun, you're 80% more likely to be shot by that gun than to have someone else shoot you with that gun.
Right? And what if you have it in your house for protection and then one of your kids picks that gun up and shoots another one of your kids? People go, "Oh, that would never happen in my house "because I'm a responsible gun owner.
I keep my guns locked up in a safe.
" Then they're no protection! Someone comes in your house.
You're like, "Wait there, dickhead.
" Aah! "Yeah! Yeah, you've come into the wrong house here, buddy boy.
" Go back to Australia, asshole! Sorry? Go back to Australia.
Here's my answer to that.
No.
I like living here.
It's great.
You know, your first amendment says that I can say that the second amendment sucks dicks.
America.
Freedom of speech is not just people being able to say whatever they want.
It's also occasionally you have to listen to things you don't want to hear, right? Of course you can change the second amendment.
It's called an amendment.
See, many of you Americans need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution.
You know, you've changed other things.
You used to have this thing called what was it? Slavery! Remember when you had slavery and you were all really into slavery and then someone came along, went, "All right, that's it.
No more slaves.
" And 50% of you went, "Don't take my slaves! "Why should I have my slaves taken off me? "I'm a responsible slave owner.
My slaves are locked up in a safe.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
Good night.
Wow.
Hey! Don't worry about it.
Hey.
Can we help you? You need to learn to shut your mouth.
It's always something.
You don't walk away from me, man.
Jim! Jim! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Jim! Help!