Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Honesty

Hey! Jim! Oh, my God! Somebody call 911! Hey, Jim.
You've been through the wars, buddy.
You got yourself a little scratch.
Hey, man.
Uh, what, uh, what's happened? You were shot, Jim.
H-how long have I been in here? A couple of days.
Where's Steve? Where Is he okay? Oh, yeah, Steve's fine.
He went off to get a couple of sodas.
He's quite the hero.
The doctors said if it wasn't for him stopping the blood, you'd have been a goner.
Hi.
Steve.
Thank you so much.
No problem, man.
Mr.
Jefferies.
How are you feeling? I feel amazing.
That would be the morphine.
When it starts to wear off, just click the button next to your bed.
It's on a timer.
So, uh, what's What do we do now? Well, I'm gonna prescribe you some medication for the pain oxycontin and some Ambien to help you sleep but you're free to go home.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at all these reporters.
Here we go.
Get out of the way! Jim! Jim! All right, you parasites, come on! What's going on? Jim! Jim, how are you feeling right now? Uh, never felt better.
Jim, what do you want to say to the guy who shot you? I'm sure the police are doing everything they can.
How do you feel about gun control now? I don't think about it.
Come on, Jim, talk to us! Is it true this was all a hoax? Don't worry about them, man.
Don't worry about them.
Surprise! Oh, my God! Jim! See, I like you.
You're not afraid of balloons.
Cheers, everybody.
Hey, sorry about that.
I, uh, had a moment.
Uh, this is really nice.
Thank you.
Let's have some fun, right? It's a party.
Get back to it.
Come on.
Got a little something for you, Jim.
Give it to him, babe.
Take it.
Yeah? So, all I have to do to get free coke is get shot.
That's very sweet of you.
Enjoy.
To be honest with you, I'm not really the guy to even talk to about this.
I don't remember a single Steve saw it.
You should ask Steve.
He knew Look, Forrest, just take it.
It's fine.
Doctor said bullet went in one side of the shoulder and out the other and it didn't hit any arteries and I'm gonna be fine.
I got the same injury in laser tag.
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah.
You're very luck, amigo.
It's funny.
I don't I don't feel very lucky.
Could be in one of these.
I think you are pretty lucky.
Hey, Jim! How are you doing, pal? I've been better.
Yeah.
Listen, I got you a cookie tree.
Everybody else got you flowers.
I thought that was kind of gay.
Cookie trees are super masculine.
What are you doing here, Mike? You getting shot was just the shot in the arm your career needed, and I am gonna make you the biggest stand-up comedian in the world.
But, Mike, you're not my agent anymore.
You fired me.
I didn't fire you.
I quit.
You don't need to do anything, I don't need an agent, 'cause I'm not gonna be doing stand-up anymore.
What? What are you gonna do, Jim? I'm just gonna, um, clear my head, stay here, and I'm gonna get better.
- Wait, just one se - Hey! Hands off, man.
He got shot.
All right, look.
AEG wants to do a world tour.
They want to call it "The Right to Bear Arms.
" The poster is you, sleeveless, showing off the wound.
Eight months, 100 cities, $1.
2 million minimum minimum.
Dollars? Jim, you're famous.
Don't you get it? You're in.
No? That's it? That's it.
Okay, well, then, you know what? You're fired.
You can't fire me.
I haven't rehired you.
All right, then, I quit again.
There's nothing to quit.
Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
Then, you know what? Have a nice life, and, uh, good luck with this.
Oh, damn it! Do you have to play this so loud? Oh, sorry.
I was practicing.
We can turn it down, yeah? Why don't we just, uh, turn it off altogether? How long was I out for? A few hours.
Oh, man, I'm having some dreams.
It was real vivid sort of I can remember the shooting alm Look, j can you just turn it off?! I'm trying, Jim.
I'm trying.
For the love of God, man! It's the A/V button! No, don't answer it.
It's just another reporter.
Can I help you? - Is Jim here? - Yes.
Hi everyone.
Katie, what are you doing here? I just I wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay.
Uh, Walter, um, I think we should be going.
- Good idea.
- Yeah, let's give the boy some space.
See you guys.
Hey, why don't you two come outside and, uh, help me get rid of some of this trash? Okay, I'll help, but why are we bringing Billy? You have to go.
Y-you can't be here.
I don't need your husband kicking my head in.
Guess I'll go then.
It's nothing personal, Kate, you see.
I just don't need a train wreck in my life.
Wait, what did you think this was? Oh, I don't know.
You rushed over to see me.
You obviously still have feelings for me that you can't control.
Jim, this was me coming by to check on a friend.
Friend? We're not friends.
We had sex.
That's not a friend-like activity.
Friends go out to bars, movies, ball games.
That's what friends do.
I I can't I don't think I've never fingered a friend.
Oh, my God.
You are such a dick.
You know, I'm sorry I was worried.
Wow, those meds are great, huh? Yeah, except I can't get hard anymore, which I don't really mind since I can't jerk off anyway.
Morning, guys.
You want us to turn this off? No, it's all right.
Keep practicing.
You ready for your big day tomorrow? Oh, yeah.
I don't care who I play Asian kid, fat, nerdy kid, whatever.
How you feeling? I feel like dog shit and cat shit mixed in with, like, human shit.
Hurts, huh? Yeah, it hurts being shot.
It's all right.
I took a couple oxycontins.
They should kick in soon.
Be careful with those, man.
Who ate all my lasagna?! - What? - What? And the cookie tree? Wait, wait, wait.
Are you serious? You bastards! Billy, I get shot, people are nice enough to buy me food, and you eat all my shit! You ate it.
I never had any food.
Yes, you did.
You came out of your room, went straight in the kitchen, opened the fridge, took out the lasagna, and started scarfing it down with your one good hand.
Yeah, show him.
- Yeah.
- I don't need to see.
- Oh, yes, you do.
This is great.
- No, it's pretty funny.
What are you doing, Jim? I don't know.
Why wouldn't you wake me up? - And why'd you film this? - We tried! Oh, man, it was best just to get out of your way.
Ow! It's maybe it's the Ambien.
How many of those you taking? I took like two before I went to bed.
That's it.
No, you also took one between the lasagna and the cookie tree.
You called it your palate cleanser.
Look! Man, you got to watch how many of those you take.
- Yeah, that's what kills people.
- What am I going to do? I'm in a lot of pain.
I can't sleep.
Well, you just got to keep track of it.
All right.
I am going to write down every time you take something.
This is good.
This is gonna work.
We should call this my "Heath Ledger.
" Yeah, it's funny, 'cause he was taking drugs and he died and his name's Ledger, like a list.
You should use that in one of your drug routines.
I'm not getting on stage any time soon.
What are you talking about? You love performing.
I love not having people hate me so much they want to shoot me.
That's what I love.
Well, Jim, what else are you gonna do? I'm assessing my situation.
Heath Ledger.
What options? I don't know.
Maybe eating contests.
Jim, what are you doing? Jim! Jim! What are you doing?! Steve! Steve! Steve!! Jim! Jim, what are you doing?! You're pissing on him! Oh, geez.
Jim! Jim! Jim, wake up! Hey! Jim! Come on, let's go! Oh, my God! Oh, my Jim! Jim! Jim, wake up! Wake up, man! You got to wake up, man! You shot me! I didn't shoo How could I All right, Steve? Tell him.
I was trying to protect you, man.
I'm sorry.
You knew, as well, didn't you, you little bastard? Well, Steve begged me not to tell! And I need a shower! No.
You sit there in my piss and think about what you've done.
Look, if I didn't pull my gun, that guy was gonna shoot you for sure.
And he's probably a better shot than me.
So I I maybe I saved your life.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Thank you so much for shooting me, Steve! Oh, Steve shot me, everyone! How nice of him! Come on.
Keep your voice down.
The reporters are gonna hear you.
Maybe I want them to hear! Maybe everyone should hear what an idiot you are! Calm down.
No one's gonna find out.
And I really need a shower! Of course they're gonna find out.
Right? There there's surveillance footage.
There's no surveillance footage.
Otherwise, it would be on the news by now.
The cops are out there looking for him.
No, they're not.
We gave false reports to the sketch artist.
They I told 'em it was a black guy.
And I said he had a little Asian in him.
So they're looking for a Blasian guy.
So so Tiger Woods shot me? Ohh.
This is Afghanistan, isn't it? I told you not to get a gun, but Steve went to Afghanistan and fired a few guns and felt like a big soldier boy, didn't he? Okay.
I'm sorry.
All right? And, yes, Afghanistan was the only time that I felt okay.
If the cops ask me, I'm telling 'em.
- Jim - You're a mess.
Every problem that I've had No wait, wait.
Every problem that we have had is because of you.
That's why your wife left you.
That's why you have no job.
- That's why you've got no friends! - Steve! That was over the line, Jim.
Can you hose me off at least?! "Red Moon Over Odessa," Jim? What, are you torturing yourself now? What difference does it make? I'm not pursuing comedy anymore, therefore I'm not pursuing acting, therefore I don't have to be sad about a movie I got fired from.
It's good.
It's really good.
Glad this guy got the part.
Way better actor than me.
Is Steve back? No.
Your thing's today.
Yeah.
- I'll drive ya.
- No, man.
Come on.
You've only got one arm.
Plus, you you seem kind of high.
I'm sorry I pissed on your face.
You know what? Let's not talk about it anymore.
Just be happy I didn't have to shit, eh? No more! Welcome to "Intent to Kill" Billy.
Thanks.
Hey, you're that comedian from TV who got shot.
Yeah.
Can we get a picture? Uh, yeah.
Of course.
Can you imagine how many gallons of nerd jizz is gonna be spilled over those girls this evening? Well, not actually spilt.
The guy's aren't going to Jim! I've got an erection.
Me and you both.
No, it's the meds.
They're not working.
I can barely move my hands.
What are you talking about? I haven't had an erection since I started taking them.
Contestants, please take your stations.
It's okay.
This is gonna be fine.
On the bell, play for five minutes.
Most kills wins.
I've got this.
And go! Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, mate.
I think being able to play took my mind off how screwed I am.
Well, if it means anything, we're all kind of screwed at the moment.
You're not really gonna quit stand-up, are you? Maybe Yes.
Yes, I am.
What am I I used to be fearless up there.
Now I feel like I can't do anything anymore.
Why, because Steve shot you? Yes.
I'm afraid of being shot.
'Cause, yeah, I wasn't shot by some psycho heckler.
I was shot by Steve.
You know, so even if I do get back up there, I'd be living a lie.
It wouldn't be real.
Okay, so, you're gonna give up something that you can still do when I have to give up something that I love.
Maybe the meds will work again.
Yeah, the meds might start working again, Jim.
And then they might stop again, too.
You're really good at something, and you're gonna give that up because of a what, because a few panic attacks and a flesh wound? Do you have any idea how insulting that is to me?! Hi.
Hi.
So Yeah Jim Katie Okay, um, I'm going to give you guys a minute alone.
Come come in.
I just, uh, had to come over, you know, after last night.
Last night What happened last night? Y-you're kidding.
No, no.
Last night, yes.
I remember, of course.
Uh, sit down.
Um You said some pretty amazing things, and it's it's got me spinning a little bit.
I mean, a lot, actually.
I called you five times last night.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We talked for like two hours.
I mean, you stopped now and then to to eat, but And I called my mother.
Yeah.
You said you wanted to tell her the good news.
What what exactly did I say last night? You're kidding, right? No, no.
I know what I said last night.
I want to know if you heard me, 'cause it's very important to me.
So, in your own words, tell me what I said.
Well, let's see.
You said that we should be together.
Together? Yeah.
And that you wish I would have kept our baby instead of having the abortion.
That you know I'm not happy with Trevor and I should leave him.
And you want to take care of my kids and move away with me.
You said you wanted to open a candle shop.
Should I go on? No.
Stop talking.
Ahh.
Katie, I'm on a lot of drugs.
I'm on drugs right now.
Mountain of drugs out of my skull.
Um I have a Heath Ledger here, um, which which probably explains it a lot better than I can ever say.
There's pages and pages of misery just there.
Oh, my God.
You don't remember.
No heterosexual man wants to open a candle shop, Katie.
Yeah, what? Oh, my God.
Um Wow! Uh Oh, my God.
I feel like a fool.
Well, it's I mean, no.
But you know what? I-it's okay, because, um, I was about to make some really huge decisions based on that conversation, and it wasn't a real conversation, so, I mean - No, wait.
Wait.
Don't feel don't - No, it's okay.
It's not that it wasn't real.
I just These drugs are messing with my head.
I'm sure on a certain level, my subconscious means everything that I said.
I I mean what you've just said to me about I don't want to raise your kids.
You know, on the phone last night, you said you wanted to have a real life to be legit Have something meaningful and lasting and real.
I mean, you got to ask yourself, "What kind of life do I really want?" You know? Yeah.
Make your decision.
I'll be waiting.
Cross your tears and dot your eyes Cross your heart, not to die Stick a thousand needles in your eyes _ That's a lot of people.
You're gonna do great, baby.
Yeah, look.
I'll just see you after the show, okay? Like, every year, it's like, so wasted! Hey, Kate? Don't forget Max has got soccer tomorrow.
I know.
And my dry cleaning will be ready after 6:00.
Uh-huh.
Funny man Jim Jefferies, who was shot for his anti-gun jokes, is on a roll, selling out huge theaters across the country.
"Extra" will have Fall in, ladies! You, bozo! You look like you got a spoon for a face! I think I'll call you "Spoon Face"! You're a little long in the tooth, are you?! What makes you think you're good enough?! You know what I think?! I think you need to be back at home mowing the grass! Did you watch John Wayne last weekend all patriotic, decided you wanted to be a soldier and wear this cool costume?! You can't share this strange sensation Welcome home, Billy.
Shut up, Rodney.
Somewhere is the destination Somewhere far but still a location All you need is to stay in motion There's my man.
Hey, Mike.
You know after tonight, your life is never gonna be the same.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything I've always wished for.
Hey, you're gonna be great.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Jefferies! Just don't know