Letterkenny (2016) Episode Scripts

Uncle Eddie's Trust

1 You ran out of beers with your pals the other day What do ya have, some kind of drinking problem? - What's the problem, Dan? - That's alcohol's abuse.
- Well, to be fair - Oh, don't say "to be fair.
" I hate when people say "to be fair.
" It sounds like, "To be fai-uh.
" To be fai-uh.
Well, to be fai-uh.
The bottom inch of a beer bottle is 50% spit.
Well, don't be gross.
Bugs could have crawled down there and died, too.
- You don't know.
- What'd I just say? Well, it's the same reason you don't eat the bottom of an ice cream cone.
Not sure how I feels about this talk.
What, do you think they check for bugs down there in the cone factory? Fuck, no.
They just throw the cones in the box.
Figure it out.
Can we move past this, please? What, do ya think they check for bugs down there at the cone shop? Fuck, no.
They just throw the ice cream on there.
Have a good one.
This conversation's fast becoming a confrontation.
Like, here, have some ice cream and fucking bugs, likely.
What do you do with the bottoms of the ice cream cones? Well, you throw it on the fucking ground, Dan.
You let the bugs eat it.
It's the circle of life.
Didn't you never see The Lion King? You know I love The Lion King.
We're out of beer.
- No.
- No.
Beer store's closed.
Fuck, do I miss MoDean's.
Reason fucking five million we need some sort of bar in this town.
Green, blue, and gold? I don't like where this is headed.
Yeah, it's the leftovers from the Christmas potluck.
We haven't had that in years.
A half dozen at least.
Well, a half baker's, but that's splitting hairs.
Creme de menthe, Blue Curacao, Butter Ripple Schnapps.
Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with creme de menthe? Splash of milk, with three scoops of chocolate ice cream, you got yourself a Frozen Girl Scout.
Do I look like the type of prick to have a Frozen Girl Scout, Dary? What am I supposed to do with Blue Curacao? Mix apple juice, pear juice, garnish with blackberries, you got yourself a Blue Bijou.
I think I'd rather have a Blue Bijou.
- There's not enough for two.
- Says you.
Well, what am I supposed to do with Butter Ripple Schnapps? Well, that's easy, Katy-Kat.
Down the hatch.
I'd be tasting that for days.
What's the meaning of this? - I found it in an old golf bag.
- And why do you get it? - It's warm.
- It's still a beer.
- Well, to be fair - To be fai-uh - To be fai-uh - To be fai-uh - To be fai-uh - To be fai-uh He is essentially drinking a bottle of piss right now.
Now, you're no mixologist but your best bet here is to mix 'em all together into what you call "donkey juice".
However, to be fai-uh, donkey juice will make you spit.
Subtitle by peritta Well, can't win 'em all.
Uncle Eddie died.
- Did he? - Dum-diddy-do.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
Mr.
Letterkenny himself.
Longest-standing mayor in the history of Letterkenny.
And you know that snowbird enjoyed the homestretch in Fort Lauderdale.
Oh, yeah, just hanging out down there playing crokinole and shuffleboard with his good pals.
- He was a good guy.
- He was a real good guy.
He left us a bunch of money.
- Did he? - Dum-diddy-do.
- How much? - Five K.
What a great fucking guy.
He was a real great fucking guy.
Well, he'd want us to have a party.
He wants us to put it back into the community.
What a great fucking guy! He says in his will that he's fallen out of touch with the community and he trusts our judgment to give five K some legs around here.
Well, sure as God's got sandals.
So, how do you want to fuck this pig? Well, you'd better put it on your fucking Facebook.
Pitter-Patter.
Let's get at 'er.
Faster than shit through a goose.
Lickety-split.
You've entered the barn, where ideas come to blossom or be ridiculed relentlessly.
On one side, two no-nonsense farmers are looking to give away their uncle's money.
On the other, savvy entrepreneurs hoping to acquire it.
First up, three degens from Letterkenny are hoping to sell the farmers on their solution for a common small-town problem.
Hi, Bonnie.
Hi, Katy.
Hi, Wayne.
- How are ya now? - Good and you? Not so bad.
Say, thanks for the, uh Well, the thing you did there.
No problem, Wayne.
Any time.
Good afternoon, hicks.
We are asking for Is it true that you have a massive horn? - Yes.
- No.
No? I mean, there's no way that they could possibly know that.
I saw Stewart's penis at the Elmira pool on my 11th birthday.
Looked like a 12-ounce cut of pork tenderloin hanging there.
Erroneous.
I saw Stewart's penis when we touched tubes, as normal, inquisitive, young boys do, and it looked six pool balls were stuck inside a gym sock, hanging there.
Unverified.
- Told ya.
- Fuck! We are asking for five K for 66.
6% of our company.
Outstanding.
We want to give back to the community by helping people get sober.
Uncle Eddie got sober as a birthday present to himself on his 90th.
Which was curious, 'cause he'd come that far, right? - I should say.
- And we plan on doing this by getting the biggest disasters in Letterkenny, and putting them in a room with cameras.
From there, we film their friends and family telling them they must halt said disastery, posthaste! Is disastery a word? It's a band name.
Quantifiable.
Want to know what? It feels like I might have seen something like this on a TV show one time.
We've arranged a demo of how this might work.
We have? "Stewart, "you are such a disastery that sometimes "you don't even know if it's a weekday or the weekend.
"It hurts me to see you being such a disaster.
"I wish you could go back to being "only a mild disaster.
"Love, Devon.
" This antic was not discussed or rehearsed.
"Stewart, "I worry that your disastery is the result "of when we touched tubes as young boys.
"I think about touching tubes with you and sometimes "wish I could go back in time and not touch tubes.
"Perhaps had we not touched tubes, "you wouldn't be such a disaster.
"Love, Roald.
" Drollery was to be left on the cutting-room floor.
Anywho Your idea comes from a good place, but Uncle Eddie always believed that if a man needs help, he'll ask.
He won't be told.
And for that reason, I'm out.
Sounds like touching tubes was a pretty big setback for Stewart, but your pitch was the real disaster.
I'm out.
So, do we win? No.
No.
Up next in the barn, these winners of the genetic lottery with no more than an ounce of gray matter between them, hope the farmers get behind their plan for young people in Letterkenny.
So, are you just going to do that every time, then, Bonnie? Well, if you want me to, Wayne.
Yes, please.
- You got it, Wayne.
- Thank you.
Good afternoon, Wayne, and she-we-do-not-speak-of.
Oh, piss off.
You both took down your team's student trainer on her kinesiology co-op.
- How'd she find out about - Shh! There's hope for you yet, boys.
We are here asking for five K for 49% of our company.
Super.
We want to give back to the community by investing in the youth, boys.
Really hustle for the youth, boys.
Uncle Eddie loved kids.
His only shortcoming, really.
We want to take the toughest youth in Letterkenny and put them into a house together, with a gym and with a pool.
There, they'll work out together while receiving instructions from coaches, Joint Boy and Tyson.
They will then fight each other one by one to find out who is, in fact, the toughest kid in Letterkenny.
This concept sounds a bit familiar.
No, it's a fresh concept, Ferda.
Ferda fresh.
Well, I'm trying to wrap my head around this, so I've got a few questions, here.
So, you want to put a bunch of dudes in a house together? Yes.
They'll be wearing only gym shorts, as you can see in the poster.
And then you'll have all these dudes work out together? Yes, and they'll always be shirtless - 'cause there's no AC.
- It's hot.
Then when all these dudes are done working out together, they can go swimming together? Oh, we'll teach them how to wrestle, too.
Hold downs, full mount, top control.
Throw some booze in the house.
They can have a drink together.
What are you really trying to accomplish here, boys? Great presentation.
I really love the bulletin board with all the sweaty dudes.
You can just leave that here.
But I don't think that Uncle Eddie would say, "Katy, great investment in sweaty dudes.
" And for that reason, - I'm out.
- You want to know what? I'm just going to come right out and say it, and you can take that bulletin board with you, please and thanks.
This idea's a tad fruity-loops.
And for that reason, oh, I'm out.
What? Up next in the barn, this bartender turned dog-breeder hopes Cupid will find his way to Letterkenny.
Say, Bonnie, could I get you anything? A glass of water, or I'm okay, Wayne.
Thanks, though.
Well, if you change your mind, you can just run to the house there, help yourself.
Maybe I will run over then.
Can I get you anything? Well, no, I'm okay.
Do you want anything from the Hmm Wet your whistle.
No, I'm good.
I got some water.
Okay.
No, we're okay.
Thank you, Bonnie.
Cool, Wayne.
Good afternoon, Wayne, Katy.
Gail, how are you now? - Good, and you? - Well, not so bad.
I'm asking for five K for 69% of my company.
Why 69? Both sides benefit.
Good enough.
I want to give back to the community by helping people find love.
Uncle Eddie was a notorious matchmaker.
And a real fucking legend on the D floor - right up till the bitter end.
- Yeah.
And I plan on doing that by putting 20 women from Letterkenny into a house with you, and having 'em all compete for your hand in marriage.
- Who, me? - Yeah.
- Well, get after it.
- Isn't this already a reality series? If it is, no one watches it.
Well, I'd fucking watch it, boy howdy.
I'll have the girls perform campy tasks and complete silly challenges to prove their mettle.
Well, that sounds fun.
Unnecessary, but go on.
Then you'd go on group dates with them and one-on-one dates with them.
And then you ax them one by one until you decide which one you want to marry.
- Okay.
- I'm not sure it's reasonable that he could choose a wife based just on that.
I know.
Tastes good, but where's the cream filling? Like a Boston cream? Canadian maple's better.
Well, that's a Texas-sized 10-4.
Here's the kicker.
When it gets down to the final three girls, deal is, you get to go to their houses and meet their families.
See? Now that's reasonable.
And then you get to spend a night with each of them, until you decide which one you want to marry.
Is that Does she - With all three? - Does she mean After the Well, maybe it means that I would have to I don't want to talk about it, just ask her.
Okay, I'll ask her.
You want to know what? - I got some fucking questions here.
- Sha-boink! Now, when you say I spend the night with three of them, is it implied I have sex with all three of them? - Sure is.
- So, I meet their families.
Then we go have sex.
I do that with three of them, before deciding which one - I want to marry? - Yeah.
And do the girls know going into the process that I will be having sex with them and two other girls before deciding which one I want to marry? Yeah.
Maybe more.
And do the girls' families, who I've just met, also know, going into the process, that I will be having sex with their daughters, as well as two other girls who are not their daughters, before deciding which one I want to marry? - Yeah.
- And the girls, and their families, find this process entirely rational, despite how self-harming, health-hazardous, and humiliating - it very likely will be? - Yeah.
And do you say 20 girls, and their families will happily sign up for this process? Over and over, I imagine.
Oh, Gail, I don't want to date a girl like that, for fuck's sake.
Comes from a family like that.
Fuck Gail, could there be a female version where there's one girl and 20 dudes? - Yeah.
- I'm in.
No! Ew! You're out.
And do you want to know what? - What? - I'm out.
Okay.
Up next in the barn, this husband and wife pair from RR2 Letterkenny wants to go hunting for buried treasure.
Bonnie! Bonnie! - Did ya feed the dog? - Yes! Oh, well, thank you.
Jim Dickins, how are you now? - Good, and you? - Oh, not so bad.
- McMurray, how are - Wayne, how are - Well, good - Well, I'm good and - I'm not so - Oh, not so Uh - Not so bad - Go ahead.
- You, you were first so - No, why don't you go ahead? Oh, I didn't want to be impolite.
- Just start talking, please, McMurray.
- So you can go ahead and start If you're going to go first, then it would be your turn Just pretend what I had to say wasn't important.
You're here to pitch, are you not? Are you sure you don't want to say anything? Jesus, Pitter-Patter, McMurray! Good enough.
Have at 'er.
Yip, yip, yip.
Now, we are asking for five K for 5% of our business.
- Okay.
- We want to give back to the community by helping them cocksuckers get rich.
Uncle Eddie used to buy lottery tickets for the seniors at the home every week.
And we want to goddamn do that by auctioning off other people's shit.
Bingo.
Did you know that there are storage facilities surrounding Letterkenny that are filled with other people's useless piles of their shit, that they have forgotten about? Abandoned it, baby.
- They abandoned their shit - Abandoned their shit.
Now, whose knob do I got to polish to get a cocksucking gin and tonic around here? All right.
We have secured the auctioneering right for these such storage facilities with the help of our friend, Jimmy Dickskin.
- Dickins.
- That's exactly what I said.
So, what we want to do is we want to take people down there and have them rummage through all the shit and then buy some of the stuff and probably, more than likely, most definitely, find hidden treasures, gold and jewels.
And I'd settle for a Tom Collins, if it'll get this rig rolling.
So, you want to sell other people's shit that they left in their storage locker.
- Abandoned.
- Abandoned.
- Things that they abandoned.
- But it's a storage locker and nobody's got any good shit in there.
You would be surprised.
I'm never surprised.
Well, you will be once we show you a demonstration of one such storage locker that we have brought down from the tiny town of Tiverton.
Baby, if you will.
Shall I call you Vanna, for a little role-play? Uh-huh, baby, you know what I mean? All right, and a one, and a two, - and a three, Jimmy Dickskin! - Got a beautiful set of DVDs.
- To start the bidding - DVDs galore, look at that One, two, three, four, five.
That's $50 guaranteed for sure for DVDs alone.
Then we got a VCR.
That's a vintage VCR.
Guaranteed $50 for that sweet piece of machinery right then and there.
Maybe 100, maybe 150.
No big problem.
What else have we got, baby? Fishing lures.
What man doesn't want 'em? What man doesn't need 'em? What man doesn't throw fishing lures all over the goddamn place? Hundreds by the thousands.
Five dollars a fishing lure guaranteeing it for fucking sure.
So, you got five, probably times 100, probably $5,000 right there, sitting alone in that box.
That microwave was probably touched by Mahatma Gandhi.
Easy! Maybe even Jesus.
The proper thing, I guarantee ya, is worth $100,000, no problem.
A bit generous on your evaluations there, bud.
All right, 100,000 might be too much, but maybe 50,000.
What have we got now, baby? Looks like we got a handyman storage locker, baby.
Handyman storage.
We got corn silk white.
We got lavender brush white paint.
- We got - Mint.
Mint cream white paint! You can cream all over the place! All over your ceilings! You can do them! Come in here and buy all of that paint and paint your apartment and give you $100 cash in your hands.
Ya hear me? What else we got, baby? And now we're talking big money.
We got the bits.
We got bits.
Bits coming out of the ass.
Twist bits, drill bits, fucking Brad bits.
All over the place.
Baby's putting them in Gonna have so many bits, you can put 'em in your tits.
You can put in your mouth, you can shake 'em all around, do a little dance, and all kinds of shit.
Bits all over the place.
You can have so many, you can lick 'em, suck 'em, kick 'em fucking right in Not for me, though, but somebody else who's into that kind of shit.
Each one is guaranteed to be at least $100.
No problem there, for sure.
$100 each bit! - No, they're not.
- Sure God damn are! No, they're not.
- Jimmy Dickskin! - Dickins! I know it's Dickins, and I meant no offense.
I was just trying to get you to stop the Well, the thing you're doing.
No one keeps shit in their storage locker that you can rich off of.
Only shit like Brad point bits, really.
- Yep, see.
- Uncle Eddie would have wanted me to take this idea and put it in a storage locker, then abandon it.
I'm out! You want to know what? Whoever called it the Brad point bit would have done themselves a favor by calling it the Brad Pitt bit.
But either way I'm out.
That's marketing genius right there, Wayne, but you snooze, you lose, buggers.
You're looking at three millionaires walking away from ya in the dust.
Have a good day! On the morrow! Up next in the barn, this southern evangelist turned Letterkenny youth worker brings the sound of music.
Bonnie, where'd you get your dress? I don't know.
It was a Christmas present.
Can you find out? I think so.
- It's so cute.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Do you like it, Wayne? Glen, how're you now? - Oh, good and you? - Not so bad.
Well, I want your five K.
For what percent? Uh, at 0%.
That's the Lord's percentage.
- Oh, is that what it is? - Yes.
Now, what I would like to do, is to give back to the community by spreading the word of Christ - Okay - through song! - Uncle Eddie was an atheist.
- Well Then he couldn't have been a Boy Scout because atheism violates our pledge.
- You're a Boy Scout? - Uh, yeah.
Fastest Boy Scout to ever earn his badges in basketing and bugle-Ry.
Hey, ya ever had a Frozen Girl Scout? Yes! But with three scoops of chocolate gelato instead of ice cream.
I'm proudly lactose intolerant.
So am I, but you can power through that if you really want to.
Wayne! I'd like to introduce you to Milo, Levi, and Finn.
Those sound like stage names.
Oh, they are.
Their actual names are Kennedy, Cullen, Campbell.
- Those sound like last names.
- They are.
Now I would like to take these boys to Los Angeles to audition for a little show you might have heard of, called America's Got Talent.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Why can't you just bring 'em to the local model search and talent show that's coming to town soon? Well, I would prefer to bring them directly to the epicenter of everything.
Make 'em super-famous and then inspire loads of other boys, all over Letterkenny, to sing.
- What do ya sing? - Oh, we sing Enya.
We sing Enya-thing.
It's a choir joke.
Anywho, I'm their choirmaster but I consider myself to be more of a A player-coach in the equationatto.
Because, I mean, frankly, who wants a trio when you can have a quartet? - Tick-tock.
- Okay, boys.
Ragazzo! Grazioso.
Espressivo.
Energetico.
Grandioso! Finn? I need you to praise him - I want you to praise him - Finn, find me I need you to praise him - I don't know - Where you are, Finn But you're not with me Praise him I need you to praise him - That'll do, Glen.
- No, wait.
You know what? Sometimes it helps if I dance.
It helps my glissando.
I need you to praise him I want you to praise him - Glen! - I'll praise him It's the crescendo.
Just wait for the crescendo.
Praise, praise, praise praise him Well, there was supposed to be an intermezzo, but Milo keeps forcing his falsetto and not accepting the fact that he is a castrato.
- Okay - And Levi thinks this is madrigals, and will not allow me my obbligato.
- Uh-huh? - And then there's Finn.
This is not fucking Glee.
Now the soul of the piece is obviously in my ostinato, in my "praise him.
" By the time we get to Los Angeles the piece will begin with a sonatina, it will be accompanied by a partita.
It will then accelerando into a capriccio.
I will play my third role in the equationatto as the contralto of the quartet-o.
So? Some people prefer a trio.
I am one of those people.
And for that reason, I'm out.
Say, when is Los Angeles? - It's next weekend! - Holy fuck.
What? Oh, fuck, bud.
- What? - I'm out.
Up next, two barn favorites have a plan.
- Hi, Bonnie.
- Hi, Daryl.
Hi, Bonnie! Hi, Dan.
- How are you now? - Good, and you? - Not so bad.
- Taking a piss? Just a fucking pisser, yeah.
Okay.
I yacked from donkey juice.
- Oh, did ya have a spit? - You meat-sauced.
I was up all night, pretty near spitting everywhere.
That's pretty near the whole point of donkey juice.
Like, you know you're gonna have to spit.
- Had to call Earl.
- I called Huey, too.
Yeah, I solds the Buick.
- Oh, did you all toss a sidewalk pizza? - Yep.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Well, that's pretty near the point of donkey juice.
Like, you know you'll have a spit.
We are asking for five K for 50% of our business.
Fucking serious? Oh, we sees everyone else doing it, figured we'd toss our hats in the ring.
You can borrow some money if you want to.
No, we've got enough to get by, thanks.
Well, we wants to give back to the community by getting jobs for peoples.
Well, Uncle Eddie used to always say "An idle mind is the devil's playground.
" - 10-4, good buddy.
- Over and out.
So Dary and me been making these duck calls and we wants to open up a factory to manufacture these duck calls.
Well, see now that is a great, original idea.
And, uh, see Dan has a beard and I'll grow a beard, and then the only people that we'd have working in the factory, would also have beards.
And that would contribute to our original and unique brand.
Unique and original.
Yeah.
And when we're not making duck calls to contribute to our unique brand, we'd, uh, shoot guns - and blows up beaver dams.
- Oh.
Will the beavers be out of the dams before you blow them up? That's unclear.
But a dam's got to get blowed up.
I'm surprised we're not blowing up beaver dams right now.
This is a choice idea, boys.
And one that definitely no one has ever attempted before.
- I think I'm in.
- What could go wrong? And after we grows our brand and got a followings, we could use our influences to condemn homosexuals.
Oh.
No, no, 'cause It's okay because, you know, once we've created our brand, and then condemned the homosexuals, we'll just like go home with our families to eat supper and then hold hands and pray.
Well, see now, that's a wee bit of a curve ball, super-chieftains.
What do you have against homosexuals? Me? Nothing.
LQBT is all rights with me.
- Daryl? - Yeah.
- Nothing.
- So, shy do you want to condemn them? Yeah? We We seens it on a TV shows.
- We know.
- We know.
We actually seens it on two TV shows.
One was the TV show, what we seens it on, and then the other was a news program about what we seens on the TV shows.
We know.
But those guys got real popular and they looked like they was having lots of fun so we just figured if we dids what they dids We could have lots of fun, too.
Well, do you still want to blow up beaver dams? Oh, can we still blows up the beaver dams? Oh, yeah, I kind of thought this whole conversation was about us blowing up beaver dams.
I'm surprised you're not blowing up beaver dams right now.
This idea has lawsuit written all over it.
This is the worst pitch we've seen.
Ever.
And for that reason, I'm out.
You want to know what, Dary? You can't even grow a beard.
- Can too.
- Cannot.
- Can too.
- Cannot.
- Can too! - Cannot! Figure it out! No, can too! No, you can't.
And for that reason, I'm out.
But Well, what are you guys doing now? Me? Nothing.
Do ya want to get hammered? - Yeah, I'd get hammered.
- Yeah.
I think we're out of beer, though.
Beer store's closed.
No! Fuck, do I miss MoDean's.
Well, reason fucking five million we need some sort of bar in this town.
What did you say when I told you that Uncle Eddie died? - I say he's a good guy.
- The other thing? - I say he's a real good guy.
- The other thing? He'd want us to have a party! Bonnie, thank you for your help today.
You're welcome, Wayne.
Save me a dance at the next jamboree? Can do.
Hey! We all know Uncle Eddie was a real good guy.
Oh, he was a great guy! - He was a really good guy! - A real good guy.
- He was a really good guy.
- Nice guy.
Here's to Uncle Eddie.
And here's to his five K put back into the community in the most appropriate way possible.
Hear, hear! Whoo.
This is definitely what he wanted, brother.
- Did he? - Dum-diddy-do.
- We're out of beer.
- $5,000 worth? - Correct.
- Beer store's closed.
No! Subtitle by peritta