Lexx s04e16 Episode Script
Moss
Well, are we just gonna keep driving on until this car stops like the other one? I'm open to suggestions - but I'd say we have to find one of those space shuttles that they use on this planet.
Well, do you know where to find one? Not exactly.
Kai, do you remember where they keep those space shuttles? Who would you like me to - would you like - me to like? Well, he's not gonna help.
His protoblood seems to be failing completely, Stanley.
We have to get him back to the Lexx, soon.
- Soon as let soon.
- Well, I know! We should never have let Gordon and that stupid Skankita steal our moth.
Oh yeah, was that my fault? - Well - - If we can't get Kai back to the Lexx then at least we have to find a new freezer - to put him in.
- So, so, so So you don't have a plan, - we're just gonna go nowhere? - Yeah.
Why are you stopping? All the cars are stopping.
They must want to ask that guy a question or something, I don't know.
Oh boy, this is - - What? - Look, could you please just get out of our way? We're in a hurry, OK? This won't take long.
- What won't take long? - This! FBI! Hands off the wheel, now! Kai, Kai! Wheel - the wheel - - wheel Wheel - That's not gonna help, Kai Now, lady.
Don't do it Xev, don't do it, don't do it! Oh boy.
Look, whatever it is that you think we did, we didn't do it, OK? Look, we gotta get back to the Lexx, OK, because Kai's gotta get more protoblood.
Look, we'd go up there ourselves, except that this guy and his stupid girlfriend stole our moth.
Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? He smells familiar.
Didn't we meet before, you know, some other planet or something? No? Let's go.
Let them out Fred over there.
OK gentlemen, over here - form a line.
Gimme your weapon.
- Gimme your weapon! - Kai, you have to help us.
Yeah, come on Kai, come on.
Wake up, wake up, save us Kai! Wakey wakey time.
Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing on them.
I'm tied up, and he's got a gun! - Sir, this is - - I'm aware.
I'm very aware.
Gentlemen, I want you to turn around - you don't wanna see this.
I can't watch either, I can't.
Sir, Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm captain of the spaceship Lexx, I'm an Ostral B hero, I fought against His Divine Shadow and the Divine Order, and I don't wanna die! Lexx 4.
16 Moss Please, don't kill me! Lexx 4.
16 Moss Goodbye Stan.
He - he - - he - - We - he - David sends his regards.
OK, let's go.
- Hey, let's go! - O O OK, OK, OK.
Come on Kai.
No no no no no, I'm not signing any bills today - and I don't care how many are piling up, I'm busy.
No - can't you give them to someone else to sign? Look, just use that rubber stamp thing with my signature on it and veto all the bills.
Yes! No no no no no, I don't want to read them.
Yes, that's right.
Just use the stamp and veto them.
Bye! - You're it! - Yes, I am it.
I think my show's on.
Let's watch TV.
It's so good not having Prince around anymore.
I can watch television any time I want.
Of course you can, silly - you're the President.
Hey, isn't that Vietnam? I don't know, perhaps.
Weren't you hiding out in the jungle for 32 years or something? Yes.
32 Long years.
You know, I kept going by remembering my childhood - boy scout, apple pie, church strippers.
You had naked women in your congregation? Er - church, eh - Church.
Suppers! Good good good good good.
Oh, it must have been terrible in the jungle.
I want you to explore my jungle.
Will you do that Mr President? Oh yes, yes I will, yes yes yes yes yes.
But we can't Bunnykins.
You remember.
We don't want to lose the key to the Lexx.
Oh! This is so frustrating! I mean, who cares about the stupid key to the Lexx anyway? You're the President of the United States.
Isn't that enough? You are right.
We have waited long enough.
I am the President, you are the First Lady.
We can do whatever we want.
I want you Mr President - right now.
I want you too, Mr President - right now.
My prince.
Prince? You - you came back to life.
No, not exactly.
I think that I am truly dead - and yet here I am, on TV.
- How did you get there? -I'm not sure.
I was killed by Kai on the Lexx, and the next thing you know - here I am.
Funny, isn't it? Huh! It sure is.
Are you on all TVs, or just this one? I think just this one, but I'm not sure.
My signal's fading, Mr President.
Stay tuned to this channel.
Of course, of course.
We will stay tuned to this channel.
Oh, and one more thing - Yes yes my Princ.
- no hanky panky with honey bunny licky lips.
We wouldn't want to do anything that would cause her to lose the key to the Lexx now, - would we? - No no no no no, of course - not, my prince.
- No.
Cheerie bye.
Cheerie bye, bye bye.
Don't worry, number one Bunnykins - we'll do some hanky panky later.
- So who's David? - Shut up.
David Koresh.
He was a pastor of the Branch Davidian Church in Waco, Texas - until he was murdered by the Federal Government, April 19th, 1993.
Look, are you gonna kill us too? You working for the Federal Government? No, we're from a parallel universe.
Well, that's good - me too.
- Remember Waco.
- Forever.
Are you dangerous? - No! - Sometimes.
Uncuff them.
I'm Field Commander Moss, of the American Freedom Rangers.
Welcome to my headquarters.
Now - how can I help you? You can get us a space shuttle so that we can fly back to the Lexx.
I think that might be possible - but how can you help me? - What do you want? - To destroy the beast that infects the government of this once - proud land.
- What beast? You tell me.
The President.
The Congress.
And particularly the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, who controls the government from a secret underground bunker outside Washington DC.
- I've been there.
- You have? Wo as a prisoner! Will you help me? Sign me up.
Why are you putting him on ice? Is he part fish? No no no no no, he just gets like this when his protoblood starts running low.
But if you get his temperature down low enough, he works a lot better.
- Well, a bit better.
- So, it's just the three of you.
- That's all? - Yep.
Stan, Xev and Kai.
Just the three of us.
Er - but I'm not from around here, so I don't understand exactly who you are.
I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers.
What's that card say? It says I'm Special Agent Moss of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
You see, on April 20th, And that revelation told me to fight the beast from the inside.
April 20th 1993 was the day after Waco.
If you do the math, it makes sense.
April 20th 1993.
April's what, the fourth month? you get what? 6.
Take the 93.
Subtract 3 from 9 you get what? Your second 6.
Take that 3, add it to the other 3, you get what? Your third 6.
That's 666.
I mean, you can go at it any way you want.
April 20th 1993.
+ 9 + 9 + 3, and you get what? of ranking Democrats in the House Judiciary Committee.
And you get what? by 222 - James Earl Ray's hotel room number at the Excelsior, in Memphis, and you get what? You know what It's the number of the beast.
What's the beast? Beast.
Hey! Is this Idaho? - Yes it is.
- Totally excellent! We made it! Canada is, like, my favourite country.
I love the tacky uniforms, like, totally dated - post retro, even.
So - who are you guys anyway? American Freedom Rangers - Idaho Convention of 94.
Not to be confused with the crazy old AFR.
Who are you? I'm Gordon, and this is my girlfriend Skankita.
We're drug addicts.
Not to be confused with normal people.
Why is Canada your favourite country? Because - ! Drugs are legal here - I hate the States, man, they are like so uptight if you just, like, do lots of drugs.
Like we do.
Drugs are legal on Canada, right? We wouldn't know.
- Why is that? - Because Idaho is one of the United States of America - drug boy.
Oh.
You knowI did not realise that.
Wanna buy some crack? Take the 1 from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Split it in half.
Take the two halves.
Now, attach them to the two zeros.
What have you got? Pennsylvania Avenue.
Coincidence? I don't think so! There are no coincidences, my friends.
Fact 1 - a seemingly stupid, but in fact criminally clever Vietnam vet MIA is elected President.
Fact 2 - a female real estate agent from Miami is made Pope.
Fact 3 - alien carrots invade the Earth.
Fact 4 - Mars and Venus disappear from the night sky without a trace or an explanation.
Fact 5 - well, you know what Fact 5 is.
- 666? - No! Fact 5 is you.
Aliens having truck with the ATF, the Pope, and the White House.
No, no, no.
Look, listen pal, I'm not a hundred percent with you on anything that you're saying here, but it's clear that you are a rebel, and you should know, that Stanley H Tweedle has always been on the side of rebels and heretics.
So what you doing having truck with Isambard Prince of the ATF? I am not having truck with Isambard Prince! You know Isambard Prince, don't you? Well yeah, unfortunately.
Well, doesn't he sound like an English guy to you? Yeah, I suppose.
It's a well known fact that all English are homosexual.
It is also a well known fact that all homosexuals lie.
So the head of the ATF is a liar.
Am I right? - Not anymore.
- No? Why? Kai killed him.
Kai killed who? - Him.
- Isambard Prince.
Kai killed Isambard Prince.
Lucky.
I can't watch this anymore.
Let's just make love.
I want to, Bunnykins, you know I do.
But Prince might see us.
That's not Prince, that's a TV.
We could turn it off and never ever turn it on ever again if we wanted to.
Why are you disturbing me? You know I don't take calls anymore.
Not from the UN, not from the Pentagon, and especially not from the FBI, so just tell him to have a bad day and stay far away from me.
Who? The FBI says Stanley Tweedle is trying to call.
Oo - what message do they say they have from Isambard Prince? And are you sure he said Isambard? You know Isambard is away on a special mission.
Far away.
Yes yes of course they can come here.
Umm, very good.
Please arrange it.
What's the FBI? The Federal Bureau of, umm - Intoxication! I think.
- What do they do? - I think they go after whiskey smugglers, from Canada.
Yes, Moss, yes.
Excellent.
Remember Waco.
We're in.
- Stan and Xev are here to see you.
- Yes yes, good good, - send them in right away.
- And the FBI agent? Yes, him too.
They are here.
- Hi Stan.
- Hi.
- Hi Xev.
- Hi Bunny, - Mr President.
- Where's Kai? In the freezer.
He's running low on protoblood and isn't working well, so we didn't bring him.
Hi, You must be the FIB agent - Mosley, was it? Moss.
You did a good job in bringing them to me.
Yes yes - a very good job.
Thank you, you can go now.
On your knees.
Excuse me?! On your knees, Mr President.
Are you, err? Yes.
No, no, not really? You don't sound like Isambard.
I am Isambard Prince.
You are my servant.
Kiss my hand.
- Is he Prince? - Yeah.
In a different body.
Yeah, I mean who would have thought that Prince could come back as somebody else on this planet too? But - Prince is in the TV - - isn't he? - Of course he's Prince.
He was in the TV before and now he's here with us.
Here he is, Prince, the ruler of the planet - Water.
Water?! Are you trying to test me? Oh no no no, of course not my prince.
It was just a little slip, that's all, I meant of course to say the planet Fire.
You are my prince.
All him, all the time.
I don't think he is Prince.
Why not? I don't know.
I just don't think he's Prince.
You doubt I am who I am?! Of course you are you.
- I am to dominate! - And I'm to obey.
- All the time! - In every way.
- Whatever I say! - Every day.
- My wish - - is my command.
My desire - is my every instruction.
Good.
Good.
Stop.
It's so good to have you back, my prince.
What bad things should we start doing? What chaos should we cause? It's good to be back.
But I don't think that anyone will recognise me as Prince in this body.
I don't think they'l grant me any authority, so - I think that what we need is for you to write an executive order authorising this body, which goes by the name of Moss, as the new head of the ATF.
The belly of the beast.
Kai, are you OK now? OK OK OK I don't think it's cold enough.
As the new director of the ATF, my first order of business is that if any of you know or hear of any ATF officer talking like an English guy, you know, using an English foreign accent - - they're to be eliminated.
- Yes sir.
Second order of business is to deal with the most disloyal, lying, betraying, terrorist organisation in this country.
I'm speaking of course of the American Freedom Rangers Idaho Convention of 1994.
Not to be confused with the AFR originals, who are all dedicated patriots Well I'm confused.
What's the difference between American Freedom Rangers here, and American Freedom Rangers in - someplace else? The difference? The difference is that we are the AFR, and they are the AFRIC! Could it be any clearer? The difference is that we are Americans, and they are Pharisees.
The difference is that we fight for the freedom of the individual, and they are splittists! Oh, splittists! Oh, right.
This is the exact location of their headquarters.
I want you to find them, hit 'em hard, take no prisoners.
Understood? They will be eliminated, sir.
OK - what about the space shuttle? You know, the little thing that flies around in space that you said you would get for us if we helped you out - which I think it's more than fair to say that we have done.
We want to get off this planet and return to the Lexx - now.
We're going to that right away, but in a modified version.
- What do you mean? - Well, the third order of business has changed from getting you a space shuttle, to getting you an AFR court martial.
OK - what's an AFR court martial? It is a proceeding run by a group of fair minded men to determine the guilt or innocence of anyone accused of being in the service of the beast.
No no no no no no no.
You gave your word you would get us a space shuttle.
Yeah, what is all this stuff about honour and everything if then all you do is go ahead and break your deal? Yeah! We helped you out, we gave you all the information you needed to convince the President that you were Prince! You have to help us, you agreed.
Yeah! As an American, I'm honour bound to keep my word.
But you're aliens, you're not Americans.
And there's no code on Earth that obliges me to keep my word to you two.
Cuff 'em.
You can't You can't do this to us! He just has, Stan.
Feeling better? - No.
- Hey, you finally answered a question.
- Who are you? - My name my name is is.
.
my name is? Go on, son.
Who would you kill me to lick, me? Good.
Good.
- Good.
- Good.
I think you're ready to stand trial.
- Good.
- I was worried, we were gonna have to put it off but I think you're ready to go right away.
Good.
And it'll be a proper trial - not one of those typical legal circuses that clog the courts of America, no, and when it's over you'll have a quick and honourable death, a soldier's death.
Bullet to the heart - none of this lethal injection nonsense.
Non Nonsense.
Are you sure it's Prince? Yes Bunnykins, I'm sure of it.
One hundred percent sure? No, not exactly one hundred percent, - but it doesn't matter.
- What do you mean, it doesn't matter? What I mean is that it really doesn't matter in the end whether it's Prince or not.
It's just a lot better for me, for you First Lady Bunnykins, and for the presidency to have someone in charge again.
Did we eliminate all the AFRIC terrorists? Sir, we raided their headquarters with a strong force as you ordered.
We did manage to eliminate the bulk of them.
And by bulk we mean - ? Well - a few managed to escape sir by an unusual means.
An unusual means? Sir, they evaded us in some kind of weird flying bug thing.
Weird flying bug thing? Yes sir.
Well, here's what we do, captain.
We round up all our weird flying bug exterminators.
We put together a weird flying task force, and we hunt those terrorists down.
Eliminate them - all of them.
Hey, hey look.
I know that you don't think that we're rebels, but really we are.
See - look, I was an assistant deputy backup courier for the Ostral B heretics fighting against His Divine Shadow.
And then after that, I was a a security guard class 4 on the Cluster, so look, is there some kind of an assignment, you know, that you might want me to do? Well, I can be pretty flexible you know, it doesn't matter, whatever you want me to take on - Give it up Stan! He wants to kill us and I don't think he will change his mind.
This court martial is now in session.
Your honour, we live in a sick, I say, a sick society.
This once proud land is riddled with noxious disease from top to bottom.
There's body odour in the body politic.
There's a head cold in the head of state.
We must purge the corrupted organs.
And when you look on these defendants you see the social dis - ease.
Hey hey hey hey - I got no social disease, buddy! We just want to get off this planet.
My dear young lady, I would be delighted, I say delighted to be able to execute your wish - Ah, your honour, objection, objection your honour.
It's not the part or the place of the prosecution to pass sentence.
And if I were you your honour I'd take umbrage, I'd take a lot of umbrage.
I'd take this much umbrage.
Under the constitution my clients are presumed innocent until proven guilty.
Well I would never, never deprive these clients of their constitutional rights - even if they are aliens.
Even if they did blast two of my personal favourite planets out of the night sky.
What did you do to Mars and Venus?! What are Mars and Venus? Oh, they're planets numbers 2 and Numbers which even an alien must realise add up to 6! I don't remember blowing up any planets in this system except Fire and Water - so that means we did not blow up Mars and Venus.
Well, who did? This is this space junkie here, this punksicle? Objection your honour - if he ain't gonna make sense, that's one for the defence.
Objection sustained.
By the way, Mr Defence - you're a good looking man.
Mr Prosecutor, you may proceed with caution.
Stanley Tweedle, did you ever blow up any planets in this system? No, I never blew up any planets in this system! Except for, you know, maybe one - thing, that probably wasn't a planet anyway.
Would you share - with us? - Well, when I was just testing the Lexx's weapon, you know, just target practice, I did blow up this, this one lumpy thing, it was really far away, I think you call it Pluto? Your honour, the defendant has confessed to plutocricide! Objection your honour - he's not on trial for plutocricide.
Well maybe he should be.
Oh yeah? Yeah! Says who? Says me.
And who are you when you're at home? Maybe you should ask your momma.
You run your mouth, you going south.
It's lucky the defendant is charged with blowing up planets, not blowing up oranges.
Well, if he blew up an orange - objection, your honour! If you can't do the rhyme, don't do the crime.
Objection sustained.
Just listen, will you just listen! We didn't blow up any planets in your solar system - except maybe Fire, Water, maybe Pluto - because we couldn't.
And why is that? Because we lost the key to the Lexx a long time ago, that's why we're still hanging around your stupid planet! We can't get our ship to fly away, we can't get our ship to do anything, including blowing up planets, and we can prove it! Perhaps you could try.
OK.
President Priest knows that we don't have the key.
Ask him.
The defence calls President Priest.
President of the United States.
- I saw him! - Who? Prince! He was there, for a second on the TV.
President Priest.
Oo.
Yes yes, of course.
Tell him I'll come right over.
It's the boss.
I mean Prince.
I have to go over to his office.
I won't be long.
Feeling better? My temperature has dropped, I'm feeling more myself, - yes, thank you.
- Kai.
I want you to use your brace, - soon.
- Tell me son - what is this brace thing? You use it to shoot down planets, or to kill people, or to peel oranges? I have k-k-k - I have k-k-k - Aw, spit it out son.
Are you a k-k-k-killer or a k-k-k-kabuki dancer? I have killed mothers I have killed proud young mothers.
Old.
Good old mothers evil mothers.
Please, son - raise your hand when you come to the end of that sentence.
- So I - Now - Xev, is it? Why, I said why, are there 3 of you? There are 3 of us, because that is the number we are.
If you divide it by 1, it is still 3, because there are 3 reasons why you should let us go.
The first one is, that we have not done anything to you.
The second one is, that all we've ever tried to do, is get off this planet.
And the third one is, that you are unstable in the head and it would be best for all if you just turned yourself in to the protein bank.
Yeah, that's telling him Xev! Your honour, the defendant is casting aspersions, and I submit, your honour, it's not coincidence that they are 3 in number.
For if you square 3, you get 9.
If you subtract 3 from each of the 9, you get 666.
They are 3 in number because they are in the service of the Antichrist! Stan, what rhymes with nut head? Butt head? What this? What did you say happened to your moth ship? It got stolen.
By who? By Gordon and Skankita.
It was last seen in Idaho, heading west.
Mr President.
I'm here to answer questions with the whole truth and nothing but the truth in whatever way you want, my prince.
That won't be necessary.
As the judge of this court martial it is my duty to render fair and impartial judgement on all who come before me.
Unfortunately, something more important's come up, so - guilty as charged, you'll be shot by firing squad, court is dismissed! Goodbye.
No! You can't do that.
I can be a ranger, I can go on missions, I can be a good ranger! I never liked Idaho! I don't - oh, don't kill me! What's the date? I don't know, umm, it's on the tip of my tongue but I forget It's the 6th.
And what time is it? Oh, it's six afternoon.
It's 6 minutes after 6, on the 6th day.
Mr President, there are no coincidences.
Kill him too.
No no no.
No.
Please my prince.
Don't I get a trial? You don't deserve one - and frankly, I'm exhausted.
But my prince, you know that I will always do whatever you say, and that I am your loyal servant.
You fool.
I'm not Prince.
I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers.
?????????? Bunny, wake up.
Prince! You're there on the TV.
Yes, I'm here.
Not so much on TV as in TV, but nevertheless I am here.
Now Bunny listen carefully.
Why, what's the matter? Is the President in trouble? Yes, the President is in trouble, and the presidency is in trouble.
There was a silly little trial going on over at ATF headquarters and it's gone off the rails, so to speak.
I was not at all concerned that Stan and Xev might be executed, but it might inconvenience me if the President - whom you love, so dearly - were to get shot, and that is what will happen unless you do exactly as I say.
I love the President - and I love the presidency.
And I will do whatever you say.
Hello there.
I am First Lady Bunny, wife of President Priest.
I think you know who Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers is, don't you? And I bet you'd like to know where he is, so you can talk - with him, or - whatever.
Weii, Field Commander Moss is now the new head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which is located in a secret underground headquarters, just outside of Washington.
You can't see it very well from the ground, but from the air it's easy to spot because it has a big oil tank with a big hole - in the top.
So, you know, things like helicopters, or flying moths can get down inside.
So go on down and say hi, to Field Commander Moss.
You know, for your country.
Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing now.
How? I could have had you shot by 6 men - but I chose 7, because 7 is the number of - - luck.
- This doesn't feel like luck.
Your deaths will be carried out in a manner befitting those involved in the struggle - even though you were on the wrong side.
But - enough.
Any last requests? Yes, me - please don't kill me, I'm the President of the United States.
We're killing you because you are the President of the United States.
Then as President - I grant myself a full pardon for all my crimes.
Right.
- At arm.
- No, wait, wait - I got a request.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Kill Kai first.
Yeah, I request that too.
Kill Kai first, and then when he's dead - then kill us.
You got a problem with that? No.
No way no.
No problemo Fine.
Him first.
Ready.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire! There's only 6 holes.
The beast is upon us.
The Idaho Convention.
I knew it.
Gentlemen - follow me! Splittists! Remember Waco.
All right, let's go.
I think I'll get back to the White House now.
Look, I mean we should have blown up that planet when we had the chance.
Blow that planet.
We'll get our chance.
Well, do you know where to find one? Not exactly.
Kai, do you remember where they keep those space shuttles? Who would you like me to - would you like - me to like? Well, he's not gonna help.
His protoblood seems to be failing completely, Stanley.
We have to get him back to the Lexx, soon.
- Soon as let soon.
- Well, I know! We should never have let Gordon and that stupid Skankita steal our moth.
Oh yeah, was that my fault? - Well - - If we can't get Kai back to the Lexx then at least we have to find a new freezer - to put him in.
- So, so, so So you don't have a plan, - we're just gonna go nowhere? - Yeah.
Why are you stopping? All the cars are stopping.
They must want to ask that guy a question or something, I don't know.
Oh boy, this is - - What? - Look, could you please just get out of our way? We're in a hurry, OK? This won't take long.
- What won't take long? - This! FBI! Hands off the wheel, now! Kai, Kai! Wheel - the wheel - - wheel Wheel - That's not gonna help, Kai Now, lady.
Don't do it Xev, don't do it, don't do it! Oh boy.
Look, whatever it is that you think we did, we didn't do it, OK? Look, we gotta get back to the Lexx, OK, because Kai's gotta get more protoblood.
Look, we'd go up there ourselves, except that this guy and his stupid girlfriend stole our moth.
Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? He smells familiar.
Didn't we meet before, you know, some other planet or something? No? Let's go.
Let them out Fred over there.
OK gentlemen, over here - form a line.
Gimme your weapon.
- Gimme your weapon! - Kai, you have to help us.
Yeah, come on Kai, come on.
Wake up, wake up, save us Kai! Wakey wakey time.
Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing on them.
I'm tied up, and he's got a gun! - Sir, this is - - I'm aware.
I'm very aware.
Gentlemen, I want you to turn around - you don't wanna see this.
I can't watch either, I can't.
Sir, Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm captain of the spaceship Lexx, I'm an Ostral B hero, I fought against His Divine Shadow and the Divine Order, and I don't wanna die! Lexx 4.
16 Moss Please, don't kill me! Lexx 4.
16 Moss Goodbye Stan.
He - he - - he - - We - he - David sends his regards.
OK, let's go.
- Hey, let's go! - O O OK, OK, OK.
Come on Kai.
No no no no no, I'm not signing any bills today - and I don't care how many are piling up, I'm busy.
No - can't you give them to someone else to sign? Look, just use that rubber stamp thing with my signature on it and veto all the bills.
Yes! No no no no no, I don't want to read them.
Yes, that's right.
Just use the stamp and veto them.
Bye! - You're it! - Yes, I am it.
I think my show's on.
Let's watch TV.
It's so good not having Prince around anymore.
I can watch television any time I want.
Of course you can, silly - you're the President.
Hey, isn't that Vietnam? I don't know, perhaps.
Weren't you hiding out in the jungle for 32 years or something? Yes.
32 Long years.
You know, I kept going by remembering my childhood - boy scout, apple pie, church strippers.
You had naked women in your congregation? Er - church, eh - Church.
Suppers! Good good good good good.
Oh, it must have been terrible in the jungle.
I want you to explore my jungle.
Will you do that Mr President? Oh yes, yes I will, yes yes yes yes yes.
But we can't Bunnykins.
You remember.
We don't want to lose the key to the Lexx.
Oh! This is so frustrating! I mean, who cares about the stupid key to the Lexx anyway? You're the President of the United States.
Isn't that enough? You are right.
We have waited long enough.
I am the President, you are the First Lady.
We can do whatever we want.
I want you Mr President - right now.
I want you too, Mr President - right now.
My prince.
Prince? You - you came back to life.
No, not exactly.
I think that I am truly dead - and yet here I am, on TV.
- How did you get there? -I'm not sure.
I was killed by Kai on the Lexx, and the next thing you know - here I am.
Funny, isn't it? Huh! It sure is.
Are you on all TVs, or just this one? I think just this one, but I'm not sure.
My signal's fading, Mr President.
Stay tuned to this channel.
Of course, of course.
We will stay tuned to this channel.
Oh, and one more thing - Yes yes my Princ.
- no hanky panky with honey bunny licky lips.
We wouldn't want to do anything that would cause her to lose the key to the Lexx now, - would we? - No no no no no, of course - not, my prince.
- No.
Cheerie bye.
Cheerie bye, bye bye.
Don't worry, number one Bunnykins - we'll do some hanky panky later.
- So who's David? - Shut up.
David Koresh.
He was a pastor of the Branch Davidian Church in Waco, Texas - until he was murdered by the Federal Government, April 19th, 1993.
Look, are you gonna kill us too? You working for the Federal Government? No, we're from a parallel universe.
Well, that's good - me too.
- Remember Waco.
- Forever.
Are you dangerous? - No! - Sometimes.
Uncuff them.
I'm Field Commander Moss, of the American Freedom Rangers.
Welcome to my headquarters.
Now - how can I help you? You can get us a space shuttle so that we can fly back to the Lexx.
I think that might be possible - but how can you help me? - What do you want? - To destroy the beast that infects the government of this once - proud land.
- What beast? You tell me.
The President.
The Congress.
And particularly the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, who controls the government from a secret underground bunker outside Washington DC.
- I've been there.
- You have? Wo as a prisoner! Will you help me? Sign me up.
Why are you putting him on ice? Is he part fish? No no no no no, he just gets like this when his protoblood starts running low.
But if you get his temperature down low enough, he works a lot better.
- Well, a bit better.
- So, it's just the three of you.
- That's all? - Yep.
Stan, Xev and Kai.
Just the three of us.
Er - but I'm not from around here, so I don't understand exactly who you are.
I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers.
What's that card say? It says I'm Special Agent Moss of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
You see, on April 20th, And that revelation told me to fight the beast from the inside.
April 20th 1993 was the day after Waco.
If you do the math, it makes sense.
April 20th 1993.
April's what, the fourth month? you get what? 6.
Take the 93.
Subtract 3 from 9 you get what? Your second 6.
Take that 3, add it to the other 3, you get what? Your third 6.
That's 666.
I mean, you can go at it any way you want.
April 20th 1993.
+ 9 + 9 + 3, and you get what? of ranking Democrats in the House Judiciary Committee.
And you get what? by 222 - James Earl Ray's hotel room number at the Excelsior, in Memphis, and you get what? You know what It's the number of the beast.
What's the beast? Beast.
Hey! Is this Idaho? - Yes it is.
- Totally excellent! We made it! Canada is, like, my favourite country.
I love the tacky uniforms, like, totally dated - post retro, even.
So - who are you guys anyway? American Freedom Rangers - Idaho Convention of 94.
Not to be confused with the crazy old AFR.
Who are you? I'm Gordon, and this is my girlfriend Skankita.
We're drug addicts.
Not to be confused with normal people.
Why is Canada your favourite country? Because - ! Drugs are legal here - I hate the States, man, they are like so uptight if you just, like, do lots of drugs.
Like we do.
Drugs are legal on Canada, right? We wouldn't know.
- Why is that? - Because Idaho is one of the United States of America - drug boy.
Oh.
You knowI did not realise that.
Wanna buy some crack? Take the 1 from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Split it in half.
Take the two halves.
Now, attach them to the two zeros.
What have you got? Pennsylvania Avenue.
Coincidence? I don't think so! There are no coincidences, my friends.
Fact 1 - a seemingly stupid, but in fact criminally clever Vietnam vet MIA is elected President.
Fact 2 - a female real estate agent from Miami is made Pope.
Fact 3 - alien carrots invade the Earth.
Fact 4 - Mars and Venus disappear from the night sky without a trace or an explanation.
Fact 5 - well, you know what Fact 5 is.
- 666? - No! Fact 5 is you.
Aliens having truck with the ATF, the Pope, and the White House.
No, no, no.
Look, listen pal, I'm not a hundred percent with you on anything that you're saying here, but it's clear that you are a rebel, and you should know, that Stanley H Tweedle has always been on the side of rebels and heretics.
So what you doing having truck with Isambard Prince of the ATF? I am not having truck with Isambard Prince! You know Isambard Prince, don't you? Well yeah, unfortunately.
Well, doesn't he sound like an English guy to you? Yeah, I suppose.
It's a well known fact that all English are homosexual.
It is also a well known fact that all homosexuals lie.
So the head of the ATF is a liar.
Am I right? - Not anymore.
- No? Why? Kai killed him.
Kai killed who? - Him.
- Isambard Prince.
Kai killed Isambard Prince.
Lucky.
I can't watch this anymore.
Let's just make love.
I want to, Bunnykins, you know I do.
But Prince might see us.
That's not Prince, that's a TV.
We could turn it off and never ever turn it on ever again if we wanted to.
Why are you disturbing me? You know I don't take calls anymore.
Not from the UN, not from the Pentagon, and especially not from the FBI, so just tell him to have a bad day and stay far away from me.
Who? The FBI says Stanley Tweedle is trying to call.
Oo - what message do they say they have from Isambard Prince? And are you sure he said Isambard? You know Isambard is away on a special mission.
Far away.
Yes yes of course they can come here.
Umm, very good.
Please arrange it.
What's the FBI? The Federal Bureau of, umm - Intoxication! I think.
- What do they do? - I think they go after whiskey smugglers, from Canada.
Yes, Moss, yes.
Excellent.
Remember Waco.
We're in.
- Stan and Xev are here to see you.
- Yes yes, good good, - send them in right away.
- And the FBI agent? Yes, him too.
They are here.
- Hi Stan.
- Hi.
- Hi Xev.
- Hi Bunny, - Mr President.
- Where's Kai? In the freezer.
He's running low on protoblood and isn't working well, so we didn't bring him.
Hi, You must be the FIB agent - Mosley, was it? Moss.
You did a good job in bringing them to me.
Yes yes - a very good job.
Thank you, you can go now.
On your knees.
Excuse me?! On your knees, Mr President.
Are you, err? Yes.
No, no, not really? You don't sound like Isambard.
I am Isambard Prince.
You are my servant.
Kiss my hand.
- Is he Prince? - Yeah.
In a different body.
Yeah, I mean who would have thought that Prince could come back as somebody else on this planet too? But - Prince is in the TV - - isn't he? - Of course he's Prince.
He was in the TV before and now he's here with us.
Here he is, Prince, the ruler of the planet - Water.
Water?! Are you trying to test me? Oh no no no, of course not my prince.
It was just a little slip, that's all, I meant of course to say the planet Fire.
You are my prince.
All him, all the time.
I don't think he is Prince.
Why not? I don't know.
I just don't think he's Prince.
You doubt I am who I am?! Of course you are you.
- I am to dominate! - And I'm to obey.
- All the time! - In every way.
- Whatever I say! - Every day.
- My wish - - is my command.
My desire - is my every instruction.
Good.
Good.
Stop.
It's so good to have you back, my prince.
What bad things should we start doing? What chaos should we cause? It's good to be back.
But I don't think that anyone will recognise me as Prince in this body.
I don't think they'l grant me any authority, so - I think that what we need is for you to write an executive order authorising this body, which goes by the name of Moss, as the new head of the ATF.
The belly of the beast.
Kai, are you OK now? OK OK OK I don't think it's cold enough.
As the new director of the ATF, my first order of business is that if any of you know or hear of any ATF officer talking like an English guy, you know, using an English foreign accent - - they're to be eliminated.
- Yes sir.
Second order of business is to deal with the most disloyal, lying, betraying, terrorist organisation in this country.
I'm speaking of course of the American Freedom Rangers Idaho Convention of 1994.
Not to be confused with the AFR originals, who are all dedicated patriots Well I'm confused.
What's the difference between American Freedom Rangers here, and American Freedom Rangers in - someplace else? The difference? The difference is that we are the AFR, and they are the AFRIC! Could it be any clearer? The difference is that we are Americans, and they are Pharisees.
The difference is that we fight for the freedom of the individual, and they are splittists! Oh, splittists! Oh, right.
This is the exact location of their headquarters.
I want you to find them, hit 'em hard, take no prisoners.
Understood? They will be eliminated, sir.
OK - what about the space shuttle? You know, the little thing that flies around in space that you said you would get for us if we helped you out - which I think it's more than fair to say that we have done.
We want to get off this planet and return to the Lexx - now.
We're going to that right away, but in a modified version.
- What do you mean? - Well, the third order of business has changed from getting you a space shuttle, to getting you an AFR court martial.
OK - what's an AFR court martial? It is a proceeding run by a group of fair minded men to determine the guilt or innocence of anyone accused of being in the service of the beast.
No no no no no no no.
You gave your word you would get us a space shuttle.
Yeah, what is all this stuff about honour and everything if then all you do is go ahead and break your deal? Yeah! We helped you out, we gave you all the information you needed to convince the President that you were Prince! You have to help us, you agreed.
Yeah! As an American, I'm honour bound to keep my word.
But you're aliens, you're not Americans.
And there's no code on Earth that obliges me to keep my word to you two.
Cuff 'em.
You can't You can't do this to us! He just has, Stan.
Feeling better? - No.
- Hey, you finally answered a question.
- Who are you? - My name my name is is.
.
my name is? Go on, son.
Who would you kill me to lick, me? Good.
Good.
- Good.
- Good.
I think you're ready to stand trial.
- Good.
- I was worried, we were gonna have to put it off but I think you're ready to go right away.
Good.
And it'll be a proper trial - not one of those typical legal circuses that clog the courts of America, no, and when it's over you'll have a quick and honourable death, a soldier's death.
Bullet to the heart - none of this lethal injection nonsense.
Non Nonsense.
Are you sure it's Prince? Yes Bunnykins, I'm sure of it.
One hundred percent sure? No, not exactly one hundred percent, - but it doesn't matter.
- What do you mean, it doesn't matter? What I mean is that it really doesn't matter in the end whether it's Prince or not.
It's just a lot better for me, for you First Lady Bunnykins, and for the presidency to have someone in charge again.
Did we eliminate all the AFRIC terrorists? Sir, we raided their headquarters with a strong force as you ordered.
We did manage to eliminate the bulk of them.
And by bulk we mean - ? Well - a few managed to escape sir by an unusual means.
An unusual means? Sir, they evaded us in some kind of weird flying bug thing.
Weird flying bug thing? Yes sir.
Well, here's what we do, captain.
We round up all our weird flying bug exterminators.
We put together a weird flying task force, and we hunt those terrorists down.
Eliminate them - all of them.
Hey, hey look.
I know that you don't think that we're rebels, but really we are.
See - look, I was an assistant deputy backup courier for the Ostral B heretics fighting against His Divine Shadow.
And then after that, I was a a security guard class 4 on the Cluster, so look, is there some kind of an assignment, you know, that you might want me to do? Well, I can be pretty flexible you know, it doesn't matter, whatever you want me to take on - Give it up Stan! He wants to kill us and I don't think he will change his mind.
This court martial is now in session.
Your honour, we live in a sick, I say, a sick society.
This once proud land is riddled with noxious disease from top to bottom.
There's body odour in the body politic.
There's a head cold in the head of state.
We must purge the corrupted organs.
And when you look on these defendants you see the social dis - ease.
Hey hey hey hey - I got no social disease, buddy! We just want to get off this planet.
My dear young lady, I would be delighted, I say delighted to be able to execute your wish - Ah, your honour, objection, objection your honour.
It's not the part or the place of the prosecution to pass sentence.
And if I were you your honour I'd take umbrage, I'd take a lot of umbrage.
I'd take this much umbrage.
Under the constitution my clients are presumed innocent until proven guilty.
Well I would never, never deprive these clients of their constitutional rights - even if they are aliens.
Even if they did blast two of my personal favourite planets out of the night sky.
What did you do to Mars and Venus?! What are Mars and Venus? Oh, they're planets numbers 2 and Numbers which even an alien must realise add up to 6! I don't remember blowing up any planets in this system except Fire and Water - so that means we did not blow up Mars and Venus.
Well, who did? This is this space junkie here, this punksicle? Objection your honour - if he ain't gonna make sense, that's one for the defence.
Objection sustained.
By the way, Mr Defence - you're a good looking man.
Mr Prosecutor, you may proceed with caution.
Stanley Tweedle, did you ever blow up any planets in this system? No, I never blew up any planets in this system! Except for, you know, maybe one - thing, that probably wasn't a planet anyway.
Would you share - with us? - Well, when I was just testing the Lexx's weapon, you know, just target practice, I did blow up this, this one lumpy thing, it was really far away, I think you call it Pluto? Your honour, the defendant has confessed to plutocricide! Objection your honour - he's not on trial for plutocricide.
Well maybe he should be.
Oh yeah? Yeah! Says who? Says me.
And who are you when you're at home? Maybe you should ask your momma.
You run your mouth, you going south.
It's lucky the defendant is charged with blowing up planets, not blowing up oranges.
Well, if he blew up an orange - objection, your honour! If you can't do the rhyme, don't do the crime.
Objection sustained.
Just listen, will you just listen! We didn't blow up any planets in your solar system - except maybe Fire, Water, maybe Pluto - because we couldn't.
And why is that? Because we lost the key to the Lexx a long time ago, that's why we're still hanging around your stupid planet! We can't get our ship to fly away, we can't get our ship to do anything, including blowing up planets, and we can prove it! Perhaps you could try.
OK.
President Priest knows that we don't have the key.
Ask him.
The defence calls President Priest.
President of the United States.
- I saw him! - Who? Prince! He was there, for a second on the TV.
President Priest.
Oo.
Yes yes, of course.
Tell him I'll come right over.
It's the boss.
I mean Prince.
I have to go over to his office.
I won't be long.
Feeling better? My temperature has dropped, I'm feeling more myself, - yes, thank you.
- Kai.
I want you to use your brace, - soon.
- Tell me son - what is this brace thing? You use it to shoot down planets, or to kill people, or to peel oranges? I have k-k-k - I have k-k-k - Aw, spit it out son.
Are you a k-k-k-killer or a k-k-k-kabuki dancer? I have killed mothers I have killed proud young mothers.
Old.
Good old mothers evil mothers.
Please, son - raise your hand when you come to the end of that sentence.
- So I - Now - Xev, is it? Why, I said why, are there 3 of you? There are 3 of us, because that is the number we are.
If you divide it by 1, it is still 3, because there are 3 reasons why you should let us go.
The first one is, that we have not done anything to you.
The second one is, that all we've ever tried to do, is get off this planet.
And the third one is, that you are unstable in the head and it would be best for all if you just turned yourself in to the protein bank.
Yeah, that's telling him Xev! Your honour, the defendant is casting aspersions, and I submit, your honour, it's not coincidence that they are 3 in number.
For if you square 3, you get 9.
If you subtract 3 from each of the 9, you get 666.
They are 3 in number because they are in the service of the Antichrist! Stan, what rhymes with nut head? Butt head? What this? What did you say happened to your moth ship? It got stolen.
By who? By Gordon and Skankita.
It was last seen in Idaho, heading west.
Mr President.
I'm here to answer questions with the whole truth and nothing but the truth in whatever way you want, my prince.
That won't be necessary.
As the judge of this court martial it is my duty to render fair and impartial judgement on all who come before me.
Unfortunately, something more important's come up, so - guilty as charged, you'll be shot by firing squad, court is dismissed! Goodbye.
No! You can't do that.
I can be a ranger, I can go on missions, I can be a good ranger! I never liked Idaho! I don't - oh, don't kill me! What's the date? I don't know, umm, it's on the tip of my tongue but I forget It's the 6th.
And what time is it? Oh, it's six afternoon.
It's 6 minutes after 6, on the 6th day.
Mr President, there are no coincidences.
Kill him too.
No no no.
No.
Please my prince.
Don't I get a trial? You don't deserve one - and frankly, I'm exhausted.
But my prince, you know that I will always do whatever you say, and that I am your loyal servant.
You fool.
I'm not Prince.
I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers.
?????????? Bunny, wake up.
Prince! You're there on the TV.
Yes, I'm here.
Not so much on TV as in TV, but nevertheless I am here.
Now Bunny listen carefully.
Why, what's the matter? Is the President in trouble? Yes, the President is in trouble, and the presidency is in trouble.
There was a silly little trial going on over at ATF headquarters and it's gone off the rails, so to speak.
I was not at all concerned that Stan and Xev might be executed, but it might inconvenience me if the President - whom you love, so dearly - were to get shot, and that is what will happen unless you do exactly as I say.
I love the President - and I love the presidency.
And I will do whatever you say.
Hello there.
I am First Lady Bunny, wife of President Priest.
I think you know who Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom Rangers is, don't you? And I bet you'd like to know where he is, so you can talk - with him, or - whatever.
Weii, Field Commander Moss is now the new head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which is located in a secret underground headquarters, just outside of Washington.
You can't see it very well from the ground, but from the air it's easy to spot because it has a big oil tank with a big hole - in the top.
So, you know, things like helicopters, or flying moths can get down inside.
So go on down and say hi, to Field Commander Moss.
You know, for your country.
Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing now.
How? I could have had you shot by 6 men - but I chose 7, because 7 is the number of - - luck.
- This doesn't feel like luck.
Your deaths will be carried out in a manner befitting those involved in the struggle - even though you were on the wrong side.
But - enough.
Any last requests? Yes, me - please don't kill me, I'm the President of the United States.
We're killing you because you are the President of the United States.
Then as President - I grant myself a full pardon for all my crimes.
Right.
- At arm.
- No, wait, wait - I got a request.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Kill Kai first.
Yeah, I request that too.
Kill Kai first, and then when he's dead - then kill us.
You got a problem with that? No.
No way no.
No problemo Fine.
Him first.
Ready.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire! There's only 6 holes.
The beast is upon us.
The Idaho Convention.
I knew it.
Gentlemen - follow me! Splittists! Remember Waco.
All right, let's go.
I think I'll get back to the White House now.
Look, I mean we should have blown up that planet when we had the chance.
Blow that planet.
We'll get our chance.