Life in Pieces (2015) Episode Scripts

Facebook Fish Planner Backstage

1 And with the press of this button, - you are now on Facebook.
- (chuckles) I don't feel any different.
You will, because now you'll be able to see pictures of Lark the day that we take 'em.
Yeah, instead of telling us to print them out every week, which is fun.
Well, we tried loading 'em on the digital, uh, picture frame there, but it's still showing the kid it came with.
GREG: So that explains why your friends are always confused when they meet Lark.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Okay, so, first, all you need to do is enter your hometown.
No, no, no, no.
That's how they find you and then that's how they steal your identity.
Pretty sure that's-that's not how that works, but we can circle back to it.
Um, okay, next thing really easy - just click on me or Greg - Greg.
Okay.
And, uh, then you can see our pictures.
Oh, look at that - little cutie! - Yeah, I'm wearing that hat that you gave me.
And-and holding Lark.
This is really something.
- And you can make comments.
- Yeah.
"I'm going to get a sandwich.
" Well, the point of Facebook is-is more to, like, have a dialogue with other people.
Oh.
Yeah.
Got it.
"Anyone else getting a sandwich?" Oh.
Tim's coming over.
- Wants some of your sandwich.
- Oh, no.
Wow, your mom liked every single photo I posted on Facebook and then commented, "I like that.
" (chuckles) Well, now that they get to see Lark every day, they don't have to come over.
It's a pretty genius move - on my part, if you ask me.
- Oh, and, look, they invited me to play PetVille.
Oh, no.
I invited you to PetVille.
Yeah, I'm the mayor.
My cat-stituency just voted me in, and the Itty Bitty Kitty Committee ratified it.
We need to talk.
I can't get into the Facebook.
I can't remember my password.
- That's what you - Uh-huh.
Okay.
(chuckles) All right, well, uh, it's the same password - you have for all your stuff, Dad.
- Yeah.
No, she made me change it.
- Why would you do that? - I-I heard you that you have to change it - every three hours.
- Yeah, then I had to change it again because it wanted a capital letter.
And then again because it wanted a number.
Then it called me weak, and I just walked away.
Okay, everybody, let's just calm down.
These things happen.
- Okay? I'll just reset the password.
Okay? - Yeah.
But will the new password work over at our house? Yeah.
Yeah, it'll work everywhere.
Well, what about Tim and Heather's? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that counts as everywhere.
- And Matt and Colleen's? - Yeah, their computer's one of those flat little slickies.
Yeah, no, there, too.
Even on my phone? - What about my phone? - Oh, this is - a super fun game.
Both phones.
- What about Tim and Heather's phone? Uh, hey, Greg, you want to start fielding - some of these? - Yeah, well, I would, honey, but I'm kind of knee-deep in this whole password thing.
Once it's on my phone, how do I get it over to my computer? You can't go in there.
- JOAN: No, no.
No, no, we're family.
- You need an appointment.
Yeah.
Plus, it's a legal emergency.
Hi.
What-what is going on? Well, we're hoping you can tell us.
Who is Miriam Bickle? My high school physics teacher who tried to sell everyone - jewelry made out of dried pasta.
- Yeah, Facebook said she's your friend.
Yeah.
And she wants to be our friend, and we don't know why.
Is she a cyberbully? Okay.
Um, was Greg not around to answer this question? Oh, we didn't want to bother him at work.
He was in the Dream Lab thinking of inventions.
- Oh.
- We saw it on his status update.
Okay.
Well, um, first of all, you should be friends with Miriam Bickle.
Really, you should be friends with anyone who sends you a request at this point.
But most importantly, you should never be afraid to bother Greg in his Dream Lab.
- Wow.
- Which I also call the garage.
(indistinct chatter) Uh, who are all these people? (gasps) Did we just walk into an intervention? Look, I swear, whatever my parents are mad at you about, I will stand by your side.
What? Why do you assume it's me? Jen! Oh, my God, it is me.
It's Miriam Bickle.
(gasps) Mrs.
Bickle.
My pastor was right.
People do care about me.
(chuckles) Oh.
Um, will you excuse us for-for one minute? It's so nice to see you.
Please help us.
What is going on? Why did you invite all these people to brunch? We didn't.
I think Facebook did.
Yes, I thought I was just inviting my group, but apparently my group includes all of my patients, the book club, the mall walkers' meet-up, the librarian, and the pizza delivery man.
Hey, Greg, I just met your high school girlfriend.
- What? - Man, she's so easy to talk to.
You know, she's a therapist now, just like your mom.
What a coincidence, right? Is it? Erica.
I don't like this.
I wish we could go back to simpler times, when we had our plug-in picture frame with our digital Asian grandson.
Remember how happy he was at Christmas? JOHN: That's it.
No more Facebook.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Guys, this is just a speed bump on your social media adventure.
(phones chiming) Oh.
Hey, guys.
Mom, listen, I think your Facebook account was hacked.
I knew it.
All right, Joan, I'll bite.
What's the new superfood that melts belly fat? No! Don't open that.
That's not me.
My identity's been stolen! I think I found your first suspect.
It's uncanny.
Oh, Erica's here.
Yeah.
Erica's here.
Hey, carpool karaoke was pretty fun this morning, huh? Yeah.
Maybe next time you'll let me have a turn.
- Eh, probably.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what? - Hi, Sophia.
Hey.
This is good here.
What? You don't need to walk me in anymore.
Well That's cool! No, that's great! That way, we can just use the drop-off lane, and then we save precious primp time in the morning! Ha! (gasps) Oh.
Oh, Derek.
Oh, no.
Oh, dude, you look like me after my 40th birthday party.
Not good.
Okay, okay.
Come on, don't leave me, don't leave me.
Not you, too.
Come on Oh.
Oh, oh.
Well, that was gross.
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh.
Sweetie, I need your help.
Listen, I've changed Derek's water, I balanced the pH, and I've cleaned his tank, but he's-he's still swimming - on his side.
- Gotcha.
Well, uh, I can distract Sophia while you go to the pet store and do the old switcheroo.
No, no, no.
This-this is a very special fish, honey.
Sophia and I won him at the winter festival.
And it was the first time she ever won a carnival game without cheating.
And then we brought him home in a plastic baggie and she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder.
I have to save this fish.
For Sophia.
Yes.
For Sophia.
You know, I had a bird that got sick once, so I gave him some cough syrup.
The point is, don't give him any cough syrup.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
How can we help Derek Hughes today? Oh.
Derek's a fish.
He's not eating.
Can you help him? Wait.
Am I on Vet Pranks? Where is Dave Coulier? I love that show.
Hey, did you see the one where someone brought in just a horse's ass? No.
I missed that one.
(sighs) Well, we've got it up on the website.
Oh.
It might cheer you up after this fish dies.
Oh, uh, sorry.
Um, well, uh I supposed you could try feeding him with an eyedropper.
- Okay.
- Uh, just keep in mind an eyedropper will cost more than a new fish.
Good luck.
(quiet gasp) Oh, my God, he's eating.
(inhales) Derek.
Oh, my God.
(phone beeps) Which brings us to your informed consent paperwork.
(phone ringing) Now, this just details all the risks involved in a routine tonsillectomy.
I'm gonna need you to sign all the marked areas there.
I'm gonna leave you with that for a second.
This is Dr.
Tim Hughes.
I did it; I saved Derek.
Derek.
Who's that again? Sophia's fish.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
He didn't look good last time I saw him.
I know.
It took me all day and a (clears throat) very expensive vet bill, - but I did it.
- You're so nice.
I would have just let him die.
No, no, no.
Nobody's dying on my watch.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes you got to let them die when you've got a dinner reservation.
- No.
Y-y-you don't ever let them die.
- TIM: I hear that.
I don't want to bury another one in the backyard.
- HEATHER: I have to feed him again.
- TIM: Okay.
All right, Mrs.
Torres.
Mrs.
Torres? Oh.
Hey, Mom.
I think there's something wrong with Derek.
What? Oh.
Hey, how's Derek? - Can we see him? - I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but Derek is no longer with us.
Oh.
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry.
Anybody want to say any last words before we send Derek to the big toilet bowl in the sky? Sometimes you don't know how good something is until you don't have it anymore.
It's gonna be okay, Mommy.
(crying) (sniffles and cries) Honey, it's just a fish.
(crying): I know.
Bye, Derek.
I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life Pass you by Weep not for - The memories.
- Whoa-ho! (toilet flushes) Could you guys get out now? I have to poo.
Okay.
- An elementary school? - Yeah.
Every little girl dreams of her perfect wedding, and a spot like this is slightly better than nothing, so it's perfect.
This is going to be the wedding of your dreams.
I can barely contain my excitement.
I can't imagine how you two feel.
Mainly confused.
I know it's unorthodox for a funeral planner to also be in the wedding biz, but I take great joy in seeing the happiness on the faces of my clients without having to paint them on myself.
Oh, here.
I brought my dream wedding look-book.
Everything I've had in mind for the perfect day.
You didn't have to bring that.
I held on to yours from last time.
- Whoa.
Last time.
- Oh.
(laughs) She's our first guest of honor to ever be a repeat customer, which explains why I'm so giddy right now.
I'm sorry.
Is this the same funeral planner you used for your wedding to Chad? I'm sorry, but I've been dreaming of my wedding since the first grade.
I can't just let all that go.
Letting go is a part of life, dear.
I, uh, I, uh, I-I can't.
I can't.
I can't be the groom in a wedding that wasn't meant for me.
Meaning isn't always found on this earth, son.
Oh.
Okay.
You know what? You're right.
This is silly.
There is no reason I can't give up some of the things - in this binder for you.
- Thank you.
Ned, even though I have had my heart absolutely set on it, go ahead and scrap that dream cake topper.
You mean the cake topper that we couldn't use anyway because the groom on it's black? I can't believe I have to give up my stuff.
I am so sorry for your loss.
(whimpers) I don't mean to be rude, but I have a drag queen funeral and makeup's gonna take forever.
He said he'd do my makeup, too.
Okay.
So with Chad, I was gonna have roses and lilies, but I'm ready to open things up.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Um, what about wild flowers? That's what I had when I (humming) What you had when when what? Huh? What I had when I, when I, wh-when I, when I was at that wedding that one time when-when-when I got married.
Matt, we have to avoid those things, too.
That's the only way we'll have a fresh start.
- Agreed, agreed.
- Okay, so we have to pick things that neither of us had had.
Okay, okay.
Where do you want to get married? Well, Chad and I were having a church ceremony - with a ballroom reception, so - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, all right.
Uh, Bonnie and I had a beach ceremony with a reception under the stars, so I think that we should get married in the day.
Well, Chad and I were - gonna get married in the daytime.
- So we'll have a wedding that is neither in the daytime nor in the nighttime.
Okay.
And not by the water or on land.
Looks like we're taking this wedding to the skies.
I'm afraid of heights.
- I know that.
- Mm-hmm.
This is so exciting.
I just can't wait to hear your wedding plans.
Well, it wasn't easy, but, uh, once we realized that there were more options available to us than we'd ever imagined, we found the perfect location.
Here? - An elementary school? - Yeah.
Every little girl dreams of her perfect wedding.
And when I was a little girl, I went to elementary school, so this is the perfect place.
Yeah.
And plus our eighth date was at a baseball game, - so, I mean, the connection's - Oh.
- just too strong to ignore.
- No.
- You can't ignore signs like that.
- Yeah.
Just imagine this, right? Beautiful Wednesday, sometime between day and night.
Uh-huh.
After dismissal, - but before the AA meeting.
- Right.
- Oh.
- And there's Mylar balloons everywhere.
And Colleen's standing there with a big, beautiful bouquet of lollipops.
Oh, will there be any other food besides lollipops? Because I have a real problem.
I can't lick them - without getting really flirty.
- COLLEEN: Okay.
Yeah, there'll be tons of other food anything you could want.
Yeah.
You just have to remember to cook it and pack it and bring it.
So, what do you think? A baseball picnic wedding.
- Cute, right? - (laughing): Yeah.
I think maybe it I It's great.
It's It's-it's just great.
Uh You know, all that matters is that you two are so in love.
And that North Tippet Elementary doesn't make the play-offs.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- (children cheering) Yeah.
So we've decided if we can't have a wedding with all of our favorite things, - we don't really want a wedding at all.
- So we're eloping.
- Some place neither of us has ever been.
- Yeah, and it won't matter what we eat or what music we listen to or where we are, - 'cause it's just gonna be for us.
- Oh.
Life is capricious.
One minute, you two are here, the next you're gone.
Oh, I've got it.
How about Paris? Oh, my God, that's fantastic.
I always wanted to go to Paris.
That's where you were going to go - for your honeymoon with Chad, isn't it? - Yes.
- But I have a credit.
- NED: I also do bachelor parties if you're interested.
Huh.
It's the one time I have live prostitutes in here.
Fun.
- This is Charlie Puth's dressing room? - Yeah.
I just saw him on the red carpet, gave him a throat lozenge.
Accidentally touched my hand.
Don't touch it! Hey, honey.
HEATHER: Hey, sweetie.
Anything fun happen at school today? No, unless you count my entire life being ruined as fun.
Hey, what? Is this about a boy? It was about a boy until he had his bar mitzvah last weekend and didn't invite me.
So now it's about a man.
(scoffs) (footsteps running) Joshie dumped Sam? - Oh, I think it's Josh now.
- (sighs) HEATHER: How's your dinner, Sam? Tastes like garbage.
Hey, here's some good news.
I was hired to be the backstage doctor at a very special event.
Ooh, that's so exciting! Isn't that exciting! Where? Oh, I can't say where.
- Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- Mm.
But you said this morning that if Ms.
Stevens doesn't die from her cancer, she'll die of her bad breath.
(laughing): Oh, yeah, yeah, well, yeah, I did say that, but, uh, Ms.
Stevens is very, very sick, so let's pretend that I said that in four to six weeks.
Why is everybody ganging up on me? - What? - What? Huh? Okay, you know what? Honey, I think it's time to move on.
There are a lot of wonderful boys out there.
In fact, my friend Gina has an adorable son named Declan.
Well, I guess everybody has something! Dad has a special event, Mom has a friend.
Mom's friend has a son.
Even Sophia has Hormones she can control? I can't wait until all of you get dumped! HEATHER: All right, what are we gonna do? She has held this entire family hostage since Monday.
Now the weekend's coming.
Parenting is hard.
I don't want to do it all day.
Okay, look, the big surprise I was talking about at dinner? - Yeah? - It's the Grammys.
What? Yes.
I'm gonna be the backstage doctor at the Grammys.
I'll just take Sam.
- Oh, honey, you have to.
- Tot Oh, that would totally snap her out of this! Absolutely.
Who wouldn't cheer up hanging backstage at the Grammys with the coolest dad in the world? What are you gonna wear? Dad, did you get that outfit in the women's section? No.
This is a men's rocker outfit.
(distant cheering and shouting) (laughs) Well, I guess this is a classic case of "who wore it best.
" Come on! We are hanging out backstage at the Grammys! There are celebrities everywhere! Watch your feet.
Did you see that? That was a real-life roadie! Just imagine who he's probably toured with! Man, if those tattoos could talk.
They'd ask to put their clothes back on.
All right, I know what you want.
I was just gonna warm you up with the roadie, but I can see you want the real deal.
Well, guess what.
Dr.
Dad knows just where all the dressing rooms are.
Excuse me, Roadie, - where are the dressing rooms? - Watch your feet.
Probably couldn't hear 'cause hearing loss, you know.
Touring.
Probably couldn't hear you over that jacket.
Put your hands up.
Hey, want to meet Charlie Puth? Huh? (distant music playing, Samantha gasps) This is Charlie Puth's dressing room? I love him! Yeah.
Charlie and I are awesome buds.
Caught him out on the red carpet.
He was losing his voice, so I gave him a lozenge.
Look at this.
Still got the wrapper.
He might be onstage right now.
(gasps) Sam, why don't you get a selfie with his guitar? Make Joshie jealous? We probably shouldn't touch it.
Hey, I'm his doctor.
I've touched his uvula.
Surely I can pluck a couple of a power chords on his guitfiddle.
- Otherwise, this outfit's going to waste.
- Dad, I Samantha, don't be mad at your dad 'Cause his underwear are plaid Yeah! - Yeah - (gasps) Dad! Just a scratch.
- (sighs) - It's fine.
They get this stuff for free anyway.
(gasps) Dr.
Hughes? Charlie.
Hi.
That's new.
Yes.
I just saw Shawn Mendes running out of here.
He looked angry and guilty, so it must have been him.
It was a gift from Paul McCartney.
So it was free.
You know what? It's okay, though.
I'm more of a keyboardist anyway.
- Whew! God.
- (chord plays) It's okay.
It's just stuff, right? - That's so nice of you.
- MAN: Charlie? Need you onstage, bud.
Time to go.
It was great meeting you.
Um, don't worry about the guitar or the piano.
Oh, my God, I think I love him.
Me, too.
You broke Charlie's guitar and keyboard? Yeah, but he said it's fine, so it's fine.
It's not.
You got to go.
Yeah, we were gonna go check out a couple other - dressing rooms anyway.
Come on, kiddo.
- Oh.
No.
No, you-you got to leave the arena.
You're fired.
- Fired? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Love the jacket, though.
Brian? Thank you.
Let's go, Doc.
Say, Doc, what do you think about this lump right here? (sighs) I'm sorry you got fired.
I'm sorry you got dumped.
- I'm gonna - (sighs) Keep on Keep on holdin' on Holdin' on I'm gonna keep on holdin' on Holdin' on - I love you, Dad.
- I love you, too, kid.
Holdin' on Holdin' on.