Loaded (2017) Episode Scripts

The Expo

1 You've got to give the people Give the people what they want Don't ya know you've Got to give the people Give the people what they want Watto, shouldn't you be getting ready for the ex Oh.
It's beautiful.
Naomi would you like to come to the bank with me? I come and visit every two weeks just - to try and get my head around it.
- Can I just, like, throw it all up in the air for a bit and run around? You can, but they make you tidy it up afterwards and it takes ages.
Sometimes I sit and talk to it.
Hello, Money.
Why are you so weird? I read it a story once, my money.
Lemony Snicket, but it didn't really get me anywhere.
I swear it's growing.
There's definitely more than there was last time.
That'll be the interest, the interest rates.
I know, but I definitely asked them not to give me any.
It creeps me out.
Interest, it's like mould growing in a jar of peanut butter.
It's what killed Digby.
If I didn't have the money, I wouldn't have had the house, I wouldn't have had the pool and he wouldn't be dead.
I'm making a withdrawal.
How much? As much as we can carry.
How are you feeling about the big expo? - I feel good, like a predator.
- Like an offender? Not a sexual predator.
Like an animal.
- You're clear in what you're doing? - Yeah, I think so.
Leon, it's simple.
There are two games the new game, the sequel.
You made the new game, I made the sequel.
The boys, they know about the new game, but not about the sequel.
You know about the new game and the sequel and today you're announcing both, but I want you to prioritise the sequel because the new game, it's fine, but it's a gamble.
The sequel is a perpetual money machine.
Now, do we need to write this shit down? No, no, it's cool, I just I don't think I want to be on the stage for the Cat Factory 2 announcement.
Oh, Leon.
Let me tell you about the greatest band in the world, The Counting Crows.
They could all go off and repair photocopiers, right? You just need one.
One member from the original line-up and you still have the band.
You, I need you up on that stage, Leon, so that they know you're behind it because you are behind it.
I'm going to have to tell the boys first.
Josh is going to be heartbroken.
You know how he feels about the sequel.
Leon, here's the thing.
You can either be a nice person or good at your job.
What's it going to be? I have a message from the Emperor.
This'll do.
[MUSIC: Love Rollercoaster by Ohio Players] He wants you to borrow it for the weekend.
Serious? - Can I sit with the pilot? - You can be the fucking pilot, Leon.
You take care of business at the expo, you can fly this bitch to the Caymans in a Chewbacca onesie.
Car: got, chopper: got, yacht: got, jet: need! You feel that, Leon? That's just the tip.
That's the Emperor giving you just the tip.
You keep it up, he'll give you the full dong.
Get to the expo, get up on that stage and announce the sequel.
[CAMERA CLICKS] What do you think? - Do you think I'll get too sweaty? - You'll be great.
It's all about the new game and I love the new game.
Yeah, I know.
I'm really happy with it.
There is a lot riding on it and it was my call not to do a sequel.
What if it fails? What if we make zero money and we don't get our earn-outs and I end up broke and jerking off businessmen? Why is jerking off businessmen always the only other career option? What if we lose everything? What will happen to us? Wait, you think I'm just with you for your money? - I didn't mean it like that.
- Cos I'm not with you just for your money, Josh.
No way, not totally.
I'm, like, 3% with you for your money.
3% and that's it.
- Sorry, what? - It's like if you had nice eyes, I'd be 3% with you for your eyes.
- So if I had nice eyes - Or nice teeth.
- What's wrong with my teeth? - We have more fun now.
We do better stuff.
The money's part of you and I like that part of you, but, no, I'm not 100% with you for your money, not by a very long way.
Great.
Great.
3% it is.
Glad we cleared that up.
Morning, fans.
Ewan, you seem different.
Taller.
Oh, I think it's just morning height, my bearing.
Also I'm wearing a very slight heel.
That is quite a severe heel, Ewan.
Yeah, I've been thinking about everything Callum said.
Maybe I have been letting myself hide in the shadows, never take any risks.
You've seen me play Grand Theft Auto, always obey the rule of the road.
Stop at every red light, never killed a prozzie.
Never would.
But Maybe it's time.
- To kill a prosty? - What? No.
No, to stop hiding behind my laptop.
OK, I'm going to go get a coffee.
Does anyone want one? Yeah, actually.
Yeah, please.
I'm 93% thirsty.
- Do you want some money? - Josh, - I have money, remember? - Yeah.
- Yeah, your money! - She still doesn't know so just - shut up, all right? - Just tell her.
It's sweet! You've secretly invested in her company to save her from potential sexual assault.
Yeah, well, she might not think so! You see, there are two Abis.
There is normal Abi and there is Newport Abi, Welsh Abi, and you do not want to fuck with Welsh Abi.
- Testing, one, two - Oh, they're setting up.
One, two Er, where's my stool? OK, we're going to need another stool for me.
- Josh, have you got a second? - Ah, Leon.
I want to be on stage to announce the new game because it's my code.
- Yeah, Ewan, not now.
- No, no, no, it'll be good.
The three of us on stage together, vibing 'Vibing'? What are we, Boyz II Men? Leon, I won't be fobbed off on this one.
Do you remember when we talked about your aura? Hmm, my deadening brown aura No, l have no recollection of that conversation.
OK, man, we'll think about it, OK? Thank you.
That's all that I ask.
[WHISPERS]: What's going on with him lately? - He's wearing platform shoes.
- All right, I'll sort it.
Listen, mate, I need to talk to you about the game.
We did it, man.
We did it our way, yeah? Hats off to you, man.
You protected us against Casey, you gave us the space we needed to make an original game.
You landed us on the Hudson, Captain Sully.
Josh, there's something you need to know.
About today, erm - Who wants to see a magic trick? - Me, I do.
- Ta-da! - [HE LAUGHS] Are you not going to put it back together? Er, no, I lied.
It's not really a magic trick.
It's an act of nihilism.
- Are those bags full of money? - Yeah, I am quite literally Mr.
Moneybags.
He's quite tired.
- Like Mariah Carey tired.
- Great.
Why don't you head off home? We've got this on lockdown, right, Leon? Josh, you don't need to worry about it.
We're launching the game today.
This is like D-Day, - only marginally more important.
- No, you don't need - to worry about it.
I leaked it.
- Leaked what? The new game.
Jet Spray Island I put it online this morning.
I released it.
I released us.
What's he talking about? Did you know anything about this? This is the first I'm hearing about this and I'm, like - You gave away the game? - We're free! We can all just walk out of here.
He's not joshing.
It's online.
He's leaked it.
OK, wait a minute - Oh, God.
- Shit! Shit, this is not good.
Oh, my God! Uh Aaaaargh! You stupid fucking idiot! Why did you do that? Get off him! - [PHONE RINGS] - Can we not do this here? - Boys? Boys? - Casey's calling.
Don't tell her.
Stall her.
Hi, Casey.
Sorry, I was just running some errands for the boys.
Yeah, no, everything's fine.
- Let me at him! - No, no! I thought you'd be happy.
I did this for all of us.
I don't know if I can cope with this.
My roll neck's closing in on me.
Why did I wear this vest?! You leaked the old version with the glitchy water rendering engines and now I'm going to look like a total shithead.
Wait, I'm leaking the new one.
No, I'm sorry, but I am.
Can we just stop leaking things like a shit WikiLeaks? That was our game, Watto.
The hours we spent on that My game.
My neck on the line.
Look at us! Look what the money's done to us! We're acting like monsters.
Why is Ewan so tall? They're Italian, Watto, and it's only a slight heel.
You've sunk us.
We'll never get our earn-outs how, no way.
Who cares about the earn-outs? When did it become all about that? Abi will leave me if the money goes, Watto! Why wouldn't she? I'm going to get to my mid 50s and eventually the money's going to run out cos I've done the maths and then I'm going to be bald, broke and then what? She's just going to hang around, is she? Just going to drive the bald man to the dole office? Josh, calm down.
Oh, hello! Hi, everyone.
It's the ineffectual John McClane.
We're going to have to tell Casey something.
- She's going to murder us.
- Why don't we just all fall on our swords? Say bollocks to it.
Who's with me? Or, erm, I could just fall on my sword.
Josh? I don't know.
Leon, what do you think? Mate, the truth is I'm going to have to speak to Casey.
- I don't know what she's going to say.
- Sure.
I see.
It was pretty reckless, to be honest, mate, leaking the game on the day of the expo.
It's our futures, Watto.
Financially.
- We have to think about that.
- Well, you guys keep an eye on the numbers.
Numbers, numbers, numbers.
Here's a number for you.
How do you like that? Tell Casey I quit.
Ta-da! The thing is, Casey, we have a problem with the game.
- Which one? - The game.
Jet Spray Island.
The game.
Oh, OK.
Well, throw some coders at it.
There's a proverb I like, can't build a pyramid without some slaves.
- Never heard that one before.
- It's one of mine.
I write proverbs.
It leaked.
It's out there, Casey.
They call it Release It Now.
It's gone.
The new game is gone? You're telling me the new game is gone? How?! Huh? How?! How did this happen, Leon? You've made me look like an asshole! Because this was on your watch.
- It was Watto.
- Oh, big surprise! Watto! Puff the Magic Fuck Wit strikes again.
Shit! He's been a bit confused recently.
He's going through a tough time.
- Had a rough couple of months.
- Why? Why, Leon? Why? Please, tell me why we still employ a junkie man baby who breaks everything he touches? It's OK, it's dealt with.
You fired him? I sorted it.
Mary-Kate and Ashley, get out.
Now! OK, let's talk.
We get rid of Watto, he doesn't get his earnout, that's £294 million we just saved the company, which offset any loss of earnings from the new game pretty fucking handsomely.
Plus, now we can do full bore on Car Factory 2.
Oh, yeah, that Um In a wider view, it's all good.
This could actually really work out.
Forget the new game.
You announce the sequel and nothing else.
You did good, Leon.
Did I? You fired your friend.
At long last looks like old Casey Renard's finally rubbing off on you.
So, tell me about the Cat Factory 2 announcement.
Yeah, I was thinking about - maybe getting a tiger.
- Tiger? We need eyeballs, Casey.
They've got dancers out there Apparently, there's a new game, they've got a guy in a jet pack landing on the stage.
Tiger Yeah, great.
I mean, I'd say, "Don't get mauled.
" But, you know, maulings do play well on social media.
Hm.
- Go on, just take it.
It's not a flyer.
- What are you doing? Trying to give my money away.
And you're going to help me.
- No way, I can't let you do that.
- Why not? I mean, what about him? He's got nice hair.
You cannot give someone money just for having good hair.
- Sure I can.
Here you go.
- What, for me? Yeah, why not? I mean, how much is Casey paying you? - I can't tell you that.
- Why, Naomi? I mean, I don't know you that well, but I'm pretty sure if I asked you - how you lost your virginity - First channel ferry, 14.
See? And that's a grim story! But the minute I ask you how much money you earn, all of the sudden it's like, "Oh, no, it's a big secret.
" - 26,000, and a bit.
- See? That wasn't so hard.
And this, I mean I don't really understand it, but I know it changes your life.
You said it made you sad.
Well, the key is, it's like heroine.
You've just got to take a very small amount.
A small bit takes the edges off, it's great, cos I've never known happiness like when my Nana one half a side of ham at the meat raffle.
But if she'd won all the meat in the world, if she was drowning in meat, then that would have been a very different Christmas altogether.
And you are absolutely sure that it's fine to take care heroin in small doses? Thank you.
That's OK, you deserve it.
And you are serious about this? You really want to get rid of it? I have never been more serious about anything in my entire life, and I have had periods of intense seriousness over the years.
All right, but not like this.
I've got a better idea.
- So, what happens to Watto? - I don't know.
He's out.
He quit.
- What, you just let him? - He leaked the game, Abby! People are playing it now.
They love it.
Exactly! It still exists, Josh.
What part are you upset about? The part he gave it away, or the part that you won't - make any money out of it? - I don't know, Abby.
I suppose I'm 3% annoyed that I won't make any money out of it.
- I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
- Well, I'm 3% glad you did.
Do you know what? It just went up.
Ding! 4%.
I'm now 4% with you for your money.
- You need to make it better with Watto.
- All right, I will.
- Sorry.
- Right, I sorted it with Casey, but she wants us to go ahead with the announcement.
- And announce what? - I don't know, we - [PHONE RINGS] - need to think of something.
All right, empty the file, what have we got? - What about the sequel? - No! No, no, no.
We take the existing Cat Factory logo, we stick a 2 behind it.
It'd make sense given we've got, like, three hours till showtime.
We can't just throw our principles under the bus.
They're not our principles, though, are they, Josh? They're yours.
Yeah, I'd feel pretty comfortable throwing your principles - under the bus.
- It's just a sequel, mate.
And you said it yourself, what happens when the money goes? Huh? Oh, God.
I'm basically Hitler's tennis coach, aren't I? Just stood there, watching it all happen.
'Nice backhand, mein Fuehrer.
' [HE SIGHS] We'll do the sequel.
Yes! You know it makes sense, bruv.
I'll start cobbling something together.
So it's settled, we are announcing the sequel, the three of us.
Actually, Ewan, you won't be up on stage with us, because I've got you your own slot.
- Really? - You're going to be doing a tech demo of your water rendering engine.
Just you.
Big crowd.
Oh, that is brilliant news.
Sorry, I just got very mild vertigo.
Excuse me.
Leon Harper? You wanted a quote for tiger hire? Oh, yeah.
Now I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this one, but can I ride onto the stage on the back of the tiger? Right, you know He-Man? - Yeah, it's not a documentary.
- Yeah, no, that's what I thought.
I can get you a tiger on the stage in a holding pen, 16ft with an overhang.
We'll need four trainers and a marksman, cos you wouldn't want a tiger running loose around here, all these gamers about, puny arms, slow-running nerds.
I mean, for any kind of jungle cat, it's basically the equivalent to a lottery win.
- When do you need it by? - This afternoon.
Today? You want it for today? I can't just get a tiger today.
It's not like Amazon Prime.
That's cool, I got a chopper.
We'll just chopper it in.
No, absolutely not.
You put a tiger in a helicopter and lock the doors, well, it's going to eat the pilot.
What if you put a tiger in, like, a horse box and, say, just winch it? We're not winching a live tiger across London.
Let me make a call.
All right? See what I can do.
You got to wake up early in the morning Yeah, I need the tiger.
You got to stay up all night long You still won't catch up cos I got the warning I got the feeling you want to do me wrong.
Josh, you in the wrong board.
Bring out the promo materials.
Shoorah, shoorah I can see you coming Shoorah, shoorah Cos you won't catch me Shoo [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] Sorry, um, I think I'm in the wrong place.
I'm looking for the Tech Stage, sponsored by Intel.
OK.
I can see what's happening here.
Right, well, you're here now, so Hello, you and indeed you.
[HE SIGHS] Are these? Are these all for us? These cut-outs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just sent out for them.
Wow, that was quick.
That's impressive.
- OK, I've got you one.
- Oh, mate! I knew you'd come through.
He's on his way from Kettering.
I've worked with him before.
I just need a couple of hours to get him here, get the cage ready.
- What cage? - I've hired a tiger - for the announcement.
- What tiger? - What tiger? Brutus from Kettering.
- Brutus.
- You've hired a tiger? - Yeah, a bit of showbiz, Josh! You want to put a live tiger on stage? What is this, Uday Hussein's TED Talk? We need to make some noise, Josh.
I'm going to be on stage, in a roll neck, with a live tiger? I'm David Copperfield.
No! - We're not doing that.
- Oh, there you are.
Just wanted to wish you both luck.
Apparently, there's a dangerous animal on the loose, ready to tear your throats out.
Also, Leon's rented a tiger.
Hm? Made a joke.
- The initial dangerous animal was me.
- Right, yeah, I get it.
And I've vetoed the tiger.
He's right, you don't need tigers.
This is what you live for.
Yeah, forget the tiger, I got this.
Game on.
Don't let me down.
I see you listen when she tells you.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Guess this is it! Yeah, guess so.
People are playing the game, and they like it.
Especially this guy from Holland, and they are - famously discerning gamers.
- [PHONE BEEPS] I spread some actual joy.
Shit a brick! They are announcing the sequel.
- What sequel? - They're going ahead with the announcement, and they're doing Cat Factory 2.
What is wrong with them?! I mean, this addiction to money, don't they get it? The more they make, the worse it is going to be for them.
I think we're going to need to stage an intervention.
It's not just water.
No, far from it.
It also renders incredibly lifelike blood spatter.
So [HE CLEARS THROAT] You can shoot this man in the head from any angle.
He looks like Leon Harper from Idle Hands.
Oh, yeah! Never noticed that before.
So, anyway, you just shoot him in the head [HE CLEARS THROAT] and look at the wall behind him.
I mean, it is just blood spatting.
- You get that in The Call Of Duty.
- [HE CHUCKLES] Hold your spec there, Martin, that is being rendered in real-time dependant on over 300,000 unique variables.
The calibre of the bullet, whether the surface is curved or flat.
This is actually more advanced than the software used by the Forensic Services agency, but the point is, you can just shoot Leon in the head again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again And it is different every time.
It literally never gets tired.
So, who wants a go? Everyone wants to shoot Leon in the head.
[HE LAUGHS] Of course you do! Who wouldn't? Oh, one in the mouth! This is genius.
How are you not famous or something? Great question, you should probably ask my colleagues that.
Oh, no, you can't because they're on an actual stage - announcing an actual game.
- Oh, is that now, is it? OK.
And you're going too now, that's just perfect.
Well, bollocks, because this fox is coming out of his hole.
[MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra] [CROWD ROAR] - How's everyone doing? - [CROWD CHEER] Thank you all for coming.
All right! We've got some really exciting news for you all.
It is my great pleasure to present to you Cat Factory 2.
Cat Factory 2.
Yes! That is right, it is overtime in the factory.
We're talking more levels, more characters, more mice and a brand-new weapon.
The steam hammer! [CHEERING] Pummelling mice with a steam hammer? Who wants a piece of that? I'll tell you who.
Everyone! Behold, - Cat Factory 2 - 2.
Overtime! [STUTTERS]: Overtime.
- Cat Factory 2: Overtime? - Yeah, just made it up backstage.
You know how I feel about titles with exclamation marks.
All right, we'll lose it.
Ewan, what the fuck are you doing? I'm taking what is rightfully mine, a place on this stage.
That's a whole new character.
I didn't sign off on that.
Ewan, can you leave the stage, please? It's going to look weird.
No.
I refuse to be airbrushed from history like some stray pube.
This hasn't been going on here.
That is pre-rendered video.
This doesn't just happen.
That's two weeks' work.
Can we not do this here, please? No.
OK, I'm going to find out what is going on here.
Josh, where are you going? Guys, guys, do you know where this is running from? Anyone? How is this possible? We only came up with this idea, like, three hours ago.
Just, please, let's just get back on stage.
Who is that guy? Josh! 'Meow.
Splat! Raaawr!' Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Builder of the game.
It's on here.
She's made the game without us.
Just calm down, Josh.
Come back on stage.
- 'Bang! Meow!' - [CHEERING] Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Hello.
Sorry.
Hello.
- You wouldn't have heard of me - What the fuck? My name is Ewan, Ewan Fox, and I essentially, single-handedly, coded the original Cat Factory.
But no-one knows that because I'm not allowed to do interviews because I am essentially the man in the iron mask.
Well, guess what, I'm taking off that mask today and I'm saying hello.
Hello.
Hello again.
Get back on the stage, Josh.
Ewan's out there, and he keeps - saying hello! - She lied to us, Leon! She just gave us the game to keep us out of the way, when all the time she was going behind our backs! I need to stop this.
I'm also pretty sure I helped popularise the term earworm.
I'm sorry, everyone, there's been a mistake We will not be announcing Cat Factory 2 today.
- [LEON LAUGHS] - [CROWD MURMUR] He's funny, Josh.
- Yes, we will.
- Excuse me, - I'm in the middle of something.
- There will be no sequel, OK? See, this is what I'm talking about.
- The moment I get in the spotlight - Would you just shut the - fuck up, please, Ewan? - [CROWD GASP] - Mate, I'm sorry, look - No, too far.
Too far.
Um Cat Factory 2 will be released, all right, folks? OK, guys, we are not here to cause any trouble, there is just something I need to dispose of.
Lock and load, Naomi.
[CROWD CHEER] Be happy! Fuck! Do something, Leon.
- It is a shit show out there.
- You lied to us.
You made the - sequel behind our backs.
- Leon, you promised me - you'd handle him.
- OK, I'm dealing with it.
What do you mean you're dealing with it? Did you? Did you know about the sequel - the whole time? - No, I didn't.
A week, less.
I've been trying to find the right time to tell you.
Who the fuck are you, Leon? No, Josh.
Come on, man.
Josh! [ANGRY YELLING] What are you doing? [YELLING AND GRUNTING] No! What are you doing?! - Ow! - What are you doing to each other? [SCREAMING] - Stop it! - Aaah! No! No, stop it! [TIGER ROARS] [SHE SCREAMS] [SHE BREATHES DEEPLY] Because I have seen some bad shit in my time, hm? I once saw the body of a hobo dragged out of plunge pool, but I have never seen anything as fucked as the nightmare that just unfolded.
You lied to me about the sequel.
You both did.
Yeah.
And thank God we did, too.
Eh? Because if it weren't for me, we wouldn't even have a - game to announce today.
- Josh, I promise you, I only found out about it last Thursday.
Leon, don't be a weasel.
You gave it your full blessing.
Do you know what? Forget it.
I've already sacrificed too much for this company.
I quit.
Great.
Great! Huge savings for me.
- Fuck you.
- Josh Hm.
You know what? Now that Josh is out of our hair, we need to have a little talk, because this Is an embarrassment.
You think you're a Bentley, Leon.
You're a clown car.
Sooner or later, there's a big honking noise and all the doors fall off and somebody's pants fall down.
I've done everything you asked of me.
I crossed the line for you.
- I thought we were friends.
- [SHE LAUGHS] Oh, my God, you're not joking.
OK.
Do you know what I choose, Leon? I choose to be good at my job.
Lucky for you, I still happen to have a use for you.
Because do you know what every good team needs? A captain.
Yes.
Also a mascot.
Because you can't have a good baseball team without a guy dressed up as a turkey in a cowboy hat.
Do you know what, Casey? How about fuck off? [SHE CHUCKLES] You want to quit? Go for it.
But what's your next move? Because Josh, I mean, he can just go make another game, but you? - I'll go work at Spotify.
- [SHE LAUGHS] That's a good one.
OK, here's your choice.
You can quick right now or you can stick it out for two years, put on a cowboy hat and wave when I tell you, and then take your check for £29 million.
Thought so.
Now go.
Leon.
No need to hurry back.
[DIALLING] Leslie, look, the Cat Factory 2 announcement went south.
But I'm sure that I can turn it all around.
This game that got leaked, I'm hearing something about a water rendering engine.
Tell me everything you know about Ewan Fox.
[DOOR OPENS] Casey, I'm really sorry, I had absolutely no place being on that stage.
Ewan, found you at last.
I would very much like to buy you A drink.
Josh, what the fuck just happened? - That was carnage.
- I know.
What about Watto, is he OK? He just got bundled up by security.
Let's move away, all right? Just me and you, together.
Let's just get our stuff and just leave.
- Whoa, Josh, hang on a sec.
- I just quit.
OK? I'm leaving Idle Hands.
What? What about the earnout? I don't care.
OK? I just want to be with you, all right? That's all I want.
Where? Somewhere hot.
San Francisco? I could work on my game, you could do your startups.
I could get a surfboard and never use it.
[SHE LAUGHS] I could hire a gardener for me to have sex with.
Yeah, so long as I can screw my tennis coach.
Hm.
Or you could do the garden, I could teach you to play tennis, and we could just fuck each other.
I could live with that.
- [PHONE RINGS] - [HE GRUNTS ANGRILY] Hello.
They're calling the police.
On a disturbance.
Guys, there's no need to do that.
- They are already on their way, mate.
- Look, do you have their bags? All right, what don't we all close our eyes for a second, you dip your hands in and we promise not to look? Right, see, I guess you're just going to take me home, then, are you? And give me the third degree? I should have told you all about the sequel.
- Do you think so? - Well, hang on, - you knew about it? - Yeah.
He was in on it.
With Casey.
- A special relationship.
- I can't believe it.
You were making a sequel and you didn't even tell us.
She was already working on it, I just went along with it.
Do you want to know something? I tried to save you, but it's too late.
I have got the Emperor's jet for the weekend, why don't we all just fly off, just the four of us, take off for a couple of days? I'm moving to San Francisco, OK? With Abby.
I quit.
I'm moving out of the house.
- Wha? Hang on, what?! - Where has this come from? - Hang on, come on, mate.
- I'm not your mate.
I'm just a tool, aren't I? An instrument.
We all are.
He's a piccalo, I'm a trombone, - and Ewan's a fucking French horn.
- Why am I the French horn? You just pick us up an you blow on us when we're useful, - and then you just put us down again.
- Should I go? - Because this feels a bit private.
- He's right, though, Leon.
You railroaded me, shunted me down to the dungeon.
- Yeah, because he asked me to.
- Who did? Josh! He didn't want you on stage, but he didn't have the balls to say anything.
It was a big day, mate.
I didn't think you'd like it up there.
- OK? - Yeah, so I had to do it.
- The nasty bit, like always.
- Oh, guess what? - Casey just gave me a promotion.
- You got a promotion? She gave me an office.
She gave me your office, Leon.
- No way.
- Oh, she values me, more than any of you ever have.
So Looks like I'm the daddy now.
Don't you see what you did, Leon? You betrayed us all, and now she is picking us off one by one.
I didn't betray anyone.
- You fired me.
- You fired him.
- He fell on his sword.
- OK, OK, well, you didn't try and stop me, did you? None of you did.
- Josh? - I tried to talk him out of it.
No, you didn't! You didn't even care! You just let me scatter to the wind.
"Unhook the safety line, toss him into the ravine!" Everything I've done, I've done for us.
- For you! Everything was for you.
- I didn't hear you complaining - when the money was rolling in.
- What are you talking about? - I'm always complaining! - He is always complaining.
Yeah, but you didn't do anything, did you, Josh? You just sat down there and moaned and got rich.
- All this, it's holding me back.
- Ho-ho! Holding you back? You have no idea what I've done for you! - What you've done for me? - You said it yourself, you wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for me.
The money I raised to keep the lights on, the deals I've cut to - keep the service up.
- You are a bullshitter, Leon! All right? That's all you are.
You weave these ornate webs of bullshit, and we all get caught in it.
Right? Well, not any more, I'm out.
I'm the bullshitter? That's rich considering everything with her.
Her? I've got a name, Leon.
And what is that supposed to mean? - Abby, just leave it.
- No, I'm going Welsh on his ass.
Why don't you ask your boyfriend? Mr.
Clean and Honest! What is he talking about? Josh! I put the money into your company.
But only because I didn't want you to have to deal with creepy side boob Graham, OK? Abby, please, I was just trying to protect you.
Abby! Abby [HE SIGHS] So, Leon, hm! There's been a change of plan RE the Emperor's jet.
- Holy Moley! - When you get back from Monaco, or wherever, let's grab dinner.
Talk about that little water - rendering engine of yours.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Just pop on my trouble band.
- Hm.
[MUSIC: Love Rollercoaster by Ohio Players] Oh! Excuse me, just how fast does this thing go? I don't want it.
But if I give it away, it just makes people into animals.
I can't destroy it.
I can't burn 5 million quid, that's just wrong.
So I guess I've just got to bear it, carry the burden, absorb the pain.
My best hope is that I manage to burn through it all before it kills me.
I've been thinking, and it was really kind of you, but I don't think I want it.
As bad as it sounds.
It all just feels a bit tainted, somehow.
Actually, yeah, I will keep it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Unemployed, got no job.
Seven days a week, no structure, that is a lot of time to fill.
Maybe you just need to fill it with something else.
Maybe you're right.
So, should we go and get something to eat? [MUSIC: Rags to Riches by Tony Bennett] Maybe some other time.
If you would only say you care And though my pocket may be empty Top shelf.
Let's take it Left to right.
I'd be a billionaire.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING] My clothes may still be torn and tattered But in my heart My coat matches the seats! I will keep Your love is all that ever mattered.
Is that him? Yeah.
I didn't get the call until it was too late.
We're just letting him rest before we travel him back.
Look at you, all banged up.
Did they take your fangs out as well? Cos that's what they did to me.
Do you fancy a job? Cos there's a vacancy just opened up.
How do you feel about being the new mascot for Idle Hands Games? [HE YELLS] From rags to riches