Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Lucas Burgers

1 Hey, yo, we gotta move today? Uh, let me check the schedule.
Nope.
No move.
All clear.
- That's fantastic news.
- Yeah.
So what are we gonna do on our day off? - I've been giving this a lot of thought.
- Mm'kay.
And I think we should spend our whole day reminiscing about the good old days.
- I love that plan.
- Dude, today is gonna be a good day.
[R&B playing] - Hey, Lucas Brothers.
- What it do, Jake the Snake? - How's life, man? - Life is just beautiful.
- You said it, man.
- Hey, Jake, what are you gonna do on our glorious day off? - Well, I'm putting a boot on your van.
- Wait, what? Come on, man.
Our van can't drive with shoes on.
It needs to be free.
Yeah, you don't gotta do this.
Actually, I do.
It's my job, and I took an oath.
- Oh, man, for real? - Sorry, boys.
Gotta go.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, last boot of the morning [Engine starts] [Engine sputters] [Engine wheezes] [Buzzes] Woman: Next! Next.
Next! [Angrily] Next! Next! Well, look at you duplicate looking [bleep] What y'all need? I ain't got all day.
Jake the Snake put a boot on our van.
But we would like to get that boot off, so we can reminisce about the good old days.
All right, hurry up.
Give me your drivers license.
[Electronic beeping] - That'll be one stack.
- One stack? - Why does it cost so much? - Y'all got crazy outstanding tickets.
Outstanding? That means we're dope.
That means we're the best at getting tickets.
Now pay the [bleep] up or get the [bleep] out my face, 'cause I ain't got time for this bullshit.
Hey, look, here's the deal.
How about we, uh don't pay that, you take the boot off, and we forget this ever happened? - I like that.
- Yeah, that's a great plan.
Get your broke asses out my face.
- Whoa! - Next! [People gasp] [Music] I've never seen a man with so much confidence.
- What's up, girl? - Mm, mm, mm.
Look at you walking in the D.
M.
V.
- Like you want to get your dick sucked.
- You can help me out? I need to get this food truck license renewed.
Is that it, baby? That'll be $20 and your phone number.
[Scoffs] Come on.
Here's two stacks.
Both: Whoa.
Your whole upper body's looking like a linebacker.
I like it.
- Hey, quick question.
- Any chance we could use either of those stacks to pay for our tickets? Hell no! Next! Yo, Jerrod, you should have seen this dude.
- He had a huge taco chain.
- And a taco printed fur coat.
He was all taco everything.
Hey, brothers, did this guy happen to smell exclusively like tacos? Oh, that's exactly what he smelled like, Jerrod.
- How'd you know? - Oh, man.
That was Uncle Taco.
He's got the best taco truck in the city.
- People are addicted to his tacos.
- Word? - Damn, I bet that guy makes hella stacks.
- Light bulb.
I figured it out.
If we had a food truck, we could make so much money.
We could make that food truck money.
- We could make food truck money.
- Too bad we have a boot on our van.
Brothers, just because you can't drive your van, doesn't mean you can't slang burgers out the back.
- Oh, that's right.
- Jerrod, you have the best ideas.
Which will probably lead to a problem.
Jerrod: # I'm a dude # she's a dude he's a dude 'cause we're all dudes yeah Welcome to Lucas Burgers, home of the Lucas Burger, can I take your order? - You guys got any specials? - We got our chef special.
Oh, okay.
Which is? - It's a Lucas Burger.
- With some pickles.
- Nothing really special about it.
- Mm, sold.
I'll take the chef special.
Jerrod, one chef special please.
One chef special, coming right up.
[Sizzling] [Bell dings] One chef special, sir.
- Would you like a drink with that? - Yes, please.
Cool, there's a bodega on the corner, and here's a $10.
Can you pick me up an ice tea? Oh, yeah.
Me too.
Making money makes you thirsty.
Who's next? - Let's take a walk.
- Sorry, dude.
No time to walk.
- We're too busy getting rich.
- Making money, son.
[Growls] Oh, sorry, man.
We don't have time to play baseball with you either.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Lucas Burgers.
I heard you recently opened up shop on my corner.
- Oh, snap, that's your corner? - I had no idea it was his corner.
You should put your name on the corner.
Look I like you, brothers, - but there's just one problem.
- What? You opened up a food truck without clearing it - with Uncle Taco first.
- Wait, why is that a problem? Not a [bleep] burger, sliced [bleep] pickle, onion, tomato, relish, whatever have you, gets sold in the park without me getting my piece.
I must eat! - Oh, okay.
- We can stop.
We have no problem stopping what we're doing.
Yeah, we stop doing stuff all the time.
Stop? What? Are you serious? What? Did you lose your shit? I don't want you to stop.
I want you to keep slanging them good burgers.
- Oh, okay.
- So what would you say to this? 25% of the profits.
In return, you will get all of the protection that you need.
- Who do we need protection from? - Me.
- Oh, I get it now.
- We're being extorted.
Exactly.
And we got a deal? - Deal.
- I guess.
Mm, that's a good burger.
[Music playing] [Music continues] Y'all Lucas Brothers got hella stacks.
[Cheering] - Mm, mm, mm.
- Well, that's it.
The last of the Lucas Burgers.
- I'm gonna miss the food truck game, man.
- Yeah, man, me too.
Oh, and look at that.
We still got plenty of time on our day off to reminisce about the good old days.
Word, that's true, about the time we used to make the burgers - and hand them to people.
- Jerrod was our chef.
Yeah, man.
That was so cool.
[both chuckle] - Yeah.
- We met Uncle Taco.
Oh, man, I remember him.
He was so scary.
Yeah, he was scary.
Oh, and there he is.
[Screaming] [Ding] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Lucas Brothers, where do you think you're going? Great news.
We made enough money to get the boot off our van.
Yeah, we can be movers again.
We're out of the food truck business, dude.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you being so aggressive, Uncle Taco? Let me put this as simple as possible: If you leave, I don't make money off your Lucas Burgers.
And if I don't make money off your Lucas Burgers, I get angry.
And when I get angry, I get hungry.
And when I get hungry, I want to eat your Lucas Burgers! Do you see the infinite paradox I'm in here? Now I'm [bleep] starving! [Growling] - But we were born to be movers.
- Yeah, man.
We didn't choose moving.
Moving chose us.
There's gotta be some way to get out of this.
Hmm I'm a fair man, so I'm gonna give you a fair deal.
- Oh, I like the sound of this.
- We're all ears.
We'll settle this the way our food truck ancestors did A wacky road race.
A wacky road race? That sounds wacky.
If you win, you get to leave and go back to your old life as mediocre movers.
- Oh, okay.
- But what happens if we lose? You stay and slang burgers for me forever.
I will own those two assholes of yours.
- Cool.
- Wait, what? See you at midnight, Lucas bitches.
Come on, taco girls.
Let's exit this fiesta.
Whatever you say, papi.
[Hip-hop playing] Whoa, brothers.
This wacky road race is no joke.
Tell me about it, Jerrod.
Every food truck in the city is here.
[Kenny reading names] Even Master Pea soup is here.
[Horn honks] This is basically just a food truck Fast and the Furious.
Totally, man.
The only thing it's missing is Ja Rule.
Holla! I'm Ja Rule, lord of the rules.
For tonight's race, we got Mario Kart rules, which means, no rules.
[Screaming] But you gotta stop at traffic lights.
We lost too many brothers to wacky road races.
Yo, Ashanti, bring out the checkered flags, bitch! Gentlemen, start your engines.
Ready.
Set.
Go! [Tires squeal] [Engine revving] [Laughing] Me gusta.
[Screaming] No one can stop me! - Ah, this dude's beating us.
- Hey, do the thing that Batman did.
- You mean step on the accelerator? - Yeah.
- I'm doing that.
- Thank you.
Oh, it's Peanut butter and Nelly.
Oh, he's dead now.
Hey, Master P.
No, no, no, no, no I guess there are limits.
[Chuckles] Oh, it's a red light.
[Tires squeal] [Clattering] [Engine revving] Your buns are toast.
[Engines revving] Dear van, if you're listening, please make us go faster.
Speed up! - Thank you, van.
- Oh, we're beating him! Oh, no.
Now we're not beating him.
Oh, now we're winning again.
Man, this race is intense.
I need more NOS! Necesito mas NOS! [Screaming] No, I'm going too fast! [Electric crackling] Mommy! Yo, what happened to Uncle Taco, Ja Rule? Uncle Taco went so fast he broke the space-time continuum, - and went back to the future.
- Oh, word? And the Lucas Burgers win! [Cheering] Holla, holla, holla.
You are our new leader! [Cheering] Yo, you got the juice now, Lucas Brothers.
Nah, Juicy J.
We don't want the juice.
You keep the juice, man.
[R&B music playing] So I guess we're pretty good at racing, probably.
- Yeah, who would have thought? - I wouldn't have.
What's that other thing we're outstanding at? - Oh, look, a ticket.
- Oh, we're back in the ticket game.
If you're outstanding at something, you don't stop doing it.
Yeah, man.
We ain't never gonna stop getting tickets.
Ever.
Holla! - Keef: Snoop's Dogs.
- Kenny: Lil' Kimchi.
- Keef: Drake's Cakes and Shakes.
- Kenny: Out Kasseroles.
- Keef: The Notorious BLT.
- Kenny: Bey-Entrees.
Keef: A Tribe Called Lobster Rolls.
Kenny: And last, but not least, De la Soul Food.
[Laughing] Oh, snap.