Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Kazaam

1 2x04 - Kazaam - Hey, Keef.
- Yeah, Kenny? - You see that radio? - Obviously I see that radio.
It looks just like the one from Shaquille O'Neal's master opus.
- You talking about "Shaq Fu"? - No, the other one.
- "Steel"? - No, not that one.
- The Lakers? - No, not that one either.
- Oh.
"Kazaam"? - That's the one.
Dude, I bet there are three wishes just sitting in that radio - asking to be used.
- You think we should get it? - I'm totally down about this.
- Why are we still talking? - I'm not exactly certain.
- Let's get it.
Kazaam.
That's a dope boom box, brothers.
- Yeah, it's all right.
- Too bad it doesn't work.
What do you mean it doesn't work? You just need to press the play button.
See? Yeah, sure, it plays tapes, but Shaquille O'Neal was supposed to be inside.
So in that respect, it doesn't really work.
Hmm.
Well, I always wanted to have a karaoke night at the bar.
What do you say I give you $20 for it? - I wish you said 40.
- Yeah, we "wish" you said 40.
Uh, okay.
$40.
Whoa.
Our first wish came true.
- That means this thing really works.
- Wish one granted.
- Kazaam! - Karaoke night! I did it all for the nookie, you know the nookie so you can be my buddy and cram it up your rear And that was Jake and his snake, singing Limp Bizkit's nookie.
- I love Limp Bizkit.
- You mean you loved Limp Bizkit.
Oh yeah, I guess I don't love 'em anymore.
All right, now everybody give it up for Jerrod! - I mean, you know who he is.
- He's singing What is he singing? Singing "Weak in the knees" by S.
W.
V.
, I think.
It's Jerrod.
Hey, everybody.
I'm pretty nervous, so bear with me.
This one is in memory of my great Aunt Oona from Altoona.
She loved S.
W.
V.
I miss you, Aunt Oona from Altoona.
I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak I lose all control and something takes over me and I think you're my soul mate - Yo, Jerrod is awesome.
- Man, I love being impressed.
- The internet needs to see this.
- I agree.
- No, no, no, turn it this way.
- Doing it this way.
No, man, it looks better this way.
- No, this way's better for the internet.
- All right.
That was beautiful.
So, guys, how was I? Was I good? Be honest.
- That was great.
- That was super dope.
Really? You think people actually liked it? I didn't just like it, I loved it! This is Arsenio Hall, by the way.
Yo, it's Arsenio.
He saw Jerrod's video on the internet.
I want to book Jerrod on my show A.
S.
A.
Pasta.
- Okay.
- I keep losing talent to Steve Harvey! That no good, church suit wearing family feud hosting biotch! I mean, I think you're being a little too hard on Steve.
I hate Steve Harvey! Always have, always will! I'm Arsenio Hall! All right.
Well, having Jerrod on the show sounds like a cool idea.
Of course it does.
That's why my private jet, the Arsenium Falcon, is waiting for you outside the bar.
Tell Jerrod he's going to Hollywood! Woof, woof, woof! Yo, good new, Jerrod.
Arsenio wants you on his show.
Which means you're going to Los Angeles.
Don't you mean "we're going to Los Angeles"? - Nah, dude.
- We ain't never going to L.
A.
Oh, come on, brothers.
I can't go on national television without you guys there for support.
- You're my rock.
- But the streets are dangerous in L.
A.
Remember what happened in Boyz in a Hood when Ricky got shot? Or in Menace to Society when I don't know what happened in Menace to Society.
Point is, you can be killed for wearing the wrong colors in L.
A.
The wrong colors, man.
What's next, shapes? Yeah, man.
I'm not trying to get killed - from the shapes that I like.
- Brothers, you remember that episode of Martin when the chick he managed was afraid to sing? That's me right now.
I'm the chick, and you two are Martin! Fine, then, man we'll go with you to Los Angeles.
But it's only because you referenced Martin.
And that's it.
If you didn't reference Martin , - we wouldn't go.
- Thanks, guys you're the best.
- Whatever, man.
- I don't want my feet to touch the streets of L.
A.
Okay, guys, we're here Hollywood Studios! - Hey, dude, can you pull up closer to the curb? - A lot closer.
Yeah, like, even closer than that.
Closer.
Nah, even closer.
- Keef, hey, what do you think? - Closer.
Closer.
Perfect! Our feets ain't touching these streets.
- All right, homes! Smell you - No, no tip.
Thank you.
Jerrod! Oh, there you are! It's so amazing to meet you in person.
Arsenio is over the moon that you're on the show tonight.
- Wow.
Thanks, clipboard girl.
- Now let's get you in hair and makeup.
- Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! - Wait.
Brothers, aren't you coming with me? We'll see you before you go on.
Yeah, we got you, man.
We're just gonna go take a walking tour of the studio.
We're gonna go see the Seinfeld set.
I always wanted to see what a New York apartment looked like in L.
A.
Okay, but please don't be late.
I need you there.
You're my rock, hashtag Charles S.
Dutton.
- Whoa! - Woof, woof, woof! Now who's here to see some real Hollywood memorabilia? Right over there is a shark from Deep Blue Sea.
And that's where they shot Blankman.
And there's where they shot Baby Boy.
And this this is the actual boomerang from the movie Boomerang.
- Dope.
- Yo, can we play with it? - You wish.
- Please.
We ain't wasting one of our Kazaam wishes on that.
We only got two of these suckers left.
- So it's gotta be important.
- Now if you walk this way, you'll see the vault where they store the original Urkelbot.
- Ooh! - Dude, when I signed up for this walking tour, I didn't think we'd have to walk so much.
I'm starving, yo.
I wish we had something to eat.
Oh, look, a vending machine.
- Wish two granted.
- Kazaam! Man, Shaq works in mysterious ways.
Yo, Keef, it's getting real late.
Let's go find Jerrod in the green room.
He'll be devastated if we don't make it.
Yeah, it would defeat the whole purpose of going here if we missed it.
Man, Hollywood Studios is massive.
- Which way did we come from? - I have no idea.
- Which way should we go? - I don't know.
- Let's head toward that spooky stuff.
- That sounds like an excellent plan.
- Whoa.
- Dude, this is the set - of Legends of the Hidden Temple.
- Man, I loved that show.
Looks like no one's been here since the mid-to-late '90s.
Hey, do you think the God of the temple is still around? You mean O-Mek? Yeah, he's right there.
That's right, you little bitch.
This is Arsenio-o-o-o-o Hall! Okay, tonight's show is definitely going in the Arsenio Hall of fame.
Our first guest, Malcolm Jamal Warner.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Yes.
And then we've got Dr.
John Hammond doing dinosaur tricks with his velociraptors.
And last but not least, internet sensation, Jerrod.
Dog pound, make that annoying noise! Where are you, Lucas Brothers? I'm O-Mek.
And who the [bleep] is you all up in my hidden temple? - We're the Lucas Bros.
- You ain't no brothers, Lucas Brothers.
No, we're actual brothers, man, like biologically.
We have the same mom and the same birthday.
No.
You're wearing blue, you're wearing red, in this game, if you wearing different colors, mean y'all ain't on the same team.
And when you ain't on the same team, you fight to death fight to death fight to death.
Lucas Brothers death match! I had Elton John on my show 20 years ago, and he rocked the house! Oh my gosh Jerrod, are you ready? Because I just saw Arsenio out in the hallway during commercial break and he's like, "I hope this guy's good.
" And I'm like, "I hope he is too.
" But the Lucas Brothers aren't here.
But the Lucas Brothers aren't here, and I'm too scared to Ah! Pull it together, Jerrod.
Hundreds of millions of fansenios are counting on you.
Don't let everyone down.
It's go time.
So what exactly is going on here? In this game, legends of the hidden temple, we settle shit with a brazy-ass obstacle course.
The losers get smoked, just like in the streets.
Man, I had no idea kid's TV was so gangster.
So what happens to the winner? The winner get all-expense-paid trip to space camp, just like in the streets.
Yeah, but we've already been to space camp.
Can't we just get a lifetime supply of fruity holes? - Oh, that would be awesome.
- No, no, no.
[Bleep] that.
A'ight, Lucas Bitches, the game begin now.
Now, shit, get ya boop-bopped like boo wop, pop, pop, that's two shots my shooters in the 'hood going ham they need the woosaa they ain't beefing with a hamburger I'm on rosecrans at tam's burgers Ooga! I'm from bompton Oh snap! Kenny! Keef, don't worry about me.
We're wearing different colors, man.
Those are the rules of the streets.
You gotta let me die.
I wish we could play a different game.
- Dude, we can! - How? We still got one more Kazaam wish left - from Shaquille O'Neal! - Oh yeah! Nah, can't change the game, Lucas Brothers.
- The game is eternal.
- I'm sorry, O-Mek, but Shaquille O'Neal said we have three wishes.
- And we wish - To both live as brothers.
- Let's do it.
- Kazaam.
Damn.
The only thing more gangsta than violence, is love.
- Whoa.
Dude, are you crying? - That's not gangsta at all.
I, O-Mek, Lord of the Hidden Temple, declare that we all are in the same gang.
- Booga, booga - Today, gang violence is officially over.
God, that was so beautiful.
I can't believe we witnessed the end of gang violence.
Now the temple must be destroyed.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold up, dude.
Can you destroy the temple after we leave? Sorry, my hitta.
It already started.
All right, so we're gonna go now.
Lucas Brothers, you made it.
- Ugh! - I will never stop hosting this talk show! Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o! Oh, check it out.
We destroyed all of Hollywood.
Anyway, we're sorry we missed your performance, Jerrod.
Yeah, we'd like to think we're better friends than that.
- I guess we're not.
- Don't worry about it, brothers.
This actually helped me overcome my fear of singing in public.
- Cool.
- And look at you guys.
You've overcome your fear of Los Angeles! Your feets are touching the streets.
Oh snap, you're right.
We got over that irrational fear.
I guess L.
A.
ain't so bad.
- Break yourself, fool.
- Shit's much more efficient since we started working together, homeboy.
Kazaam! Steve Harvey has a bald toupee.
Even his baldness looks like a toupee.
And he has prosthetic lips.
And chiclets for teeth.
I hate Steve Harvey! I'm saying it! I'm Arsenio Hall.
Oh snap.