Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - For the Love of Moving

- Yo, this place is huge.
- Whoever hired us to move - this stuff must be mad rich.
- Totally.
Who hired us to move, by the way? No clue.
He wouldn't tell me his name.
Just gave me an address and a $5 tip in advance.
Why would he give us a tip and not pay us? - That's kinda weird.
- Yeah, I know.
Who gives a tip and doesn't pay? - It's really bizarre.
- I know.
That's what I just said.
No, no, no, you said it was weird.
I said it was bizarre.
- What's the difference? - It's spelled differently.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
All right, mystery dude.
We're done.
Yeah, man.
We're gonna go spend that tip - you gave us on some beers.
- All right.
[Engine starting] - Hey, what's up Jerrod? - Hey, Lucas Brothers.
We'll take two of your most expensive beers, please.
Two sad dads coming right up.
- That'll be four dollars.
- Here's a five.
- Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
- Look, brothers, while I appreciate the "Home alone" reference, you know we don't accept five dollar bills in this establishment.
- For real? - Why not? [whispers] The conspiracy of fives.
- The conspiracy of fives? - What's wrong with the number five? The number five is bad news.
It's the mark of the Illuminati.
- What's an Illuminati? - Pay attention, brothers.
Because I'm about to drop some serious knowledge on you.
The Illuminati is an evil race of lizards that have disguised themselves as rich people.
Throughout history, they have walked among us scouring the five boroughs in search of the fifth element, which would power a super badass weapon that would destroy all the poor people on Earth.
[Laughing] Haha, Jerrod.
That's your craziest conspiracy theory yet.
Even crazier than when you said we never landed on the Moon.
Because we didn't! Every time we went was under the Nixon administration All right, all right, all right, I'm convinced.
We didn't go to the Moon.
But, I still think you're crazy about the number five.
I'm not crazy, Lucas Brothers! Look man, even if the Illuminati was real, lizards are pretty dope.
Who was the best character in Mortal kombat? - Lizard.
- Reptile.
Oh yeah.
No, he was reptile.
Was he a lizard? - Yes, he was.
- Yeah, yeah.
Reptile was a lizard.
And he was dope.
Well, dope or not dope, I don't accept five dollar bills.
Man: Even when that five dollar bill belonged to Jay-Z? [hip-hop plays] - Oh, snap, Jay-Z.
- Oh, what it do, Jay-Z? Oh, my god! Jay-Z is actually in my bar! This is the best day of my life! I'm your biggest fan, Jay-Z! I switched to Samsung because of you.
Aah! Hop off my dick, Jerrod.
I'm here to talk to the Lucas Brothers.
- Really? You are? - About what? Well, you see, I was the mystery dude you moved today.
- Oh, word.
- You were? Crazy.
You didn't know I was the best rapper of all time.
I would say you're the best rapper, I mean, you're probably Yet, you moved me with all of your heart.
You could say watching you move moved me.
And now, I want to hire you as my personal movers.
- I don't know, Jay-Z.
- Yeah, man, we had plans to stay here and drink beer with Jerrod.
[Bleep] Jerrod! I can upgrade you.
Now, my butler, Memphis Bleek, will be here in exactly one minute to pick me up.
So, either you can get with this, or, you can get with that.
The choice is yours.
[Laughing] Hova! Damn.
I just met my hero and it broke my heart.
Well, who needs one Jay-Z when you can have two Lucas Brothers? Ain't that right, brothers? Brothers? Brothers? [Elevator music] # Jay-Z's chilling with the Lucas Brothers # - Yo, this is so dope.
- So dope.
This is our dream to be a rapper's private mover.
Yeah, but I was hoping it'd be for someone like, uh, Master P.
- What about MC Hammer? - I don't think he has anything left.
Yeah, but that means we won't have to move anything.
But how are we gonna get paid? We'll be with hammer.
We don't need money.
Ah, that's true.
[Elevator dings] [hip-hop plays] - Good morning, Jay-Z.
- Good morning, Jay-Z.
Good morning, Jay-Z.
All right, brothers.
Say hello to your new big-ass office.
I always wanted a dookie gold chain.
Bucket list.
Welcome to La familia.
[Clock gongs] Oh, look at the time.
I gotta get to an important meeting, so I'll see you later.
[Laughing] - Bleek! Rose petals! - You got it, boss.
[Laughing] - Ah, I could get used to this.
- Yo, so what should we do now? - You wanna move something? - That's a great idea.
We gotta keep the skills up if we're moving for Jay-Z now.
Fo sho, man.
So, where should we start? I say we should start with the clock, and move it all the way up there by the air vent.
Hmm, so to move it up there we're gonna need to move that chair on top of that desk.
And then we gotta move the credenza on top of that chair.
- Hmm, that's a lot of work.
- I know.
Good thing we love moving, though.
To say that I love moving would be an understatement.
And we did it.
[Chanting] Yo, hold up.
Do you hear that? That sounds a lot like chanting.
Maybe Jay-Z is having a listening party for his new song? You wanna record it and leak it on the internet? I absolutely do.
Oh, man, I immediately regret this.
I know, dude, I can barely breathe in here.
I'm running out of oxygen.
Yeah, you'd think an air vent would have a lot more air in it.
Yo, we gotta get out of here.
[Grunting] - Whew.
That was a close call.
- Yo, where are we? Ooh, but what exactly is going on here? Welcome, fellow members of the Illuminati.
It is I, your president Jay-Z! Oh, snap, the Illuminati's real.
And Jay-Z's their lizard president? Man, Jerrod's gonna be so happy he was right - about that conspiracy.
- But, so sad about Jay-Z.
Yeah, man.
He really loves that dude.
I stand before you this evening with some dope-ass news.
I've finally found the fifth element: love! [Cheering] The love that the Lucas Brothers have for moving stuff is the key to phase five of our plan.
[Cheering] - Oh, look at that, man, that's us.
- Haha, cool.
At exactly 5:55 the hova-craft will rise five stories into the air.
Once the sun hits the reptilian eye at a five degree angle, a ray of light will hit the streets, and everyone will get five-degree burns and die.
[Cheering] Now lets celebrate at the met gala, an event so exclusive that only us, the Illuminati, are rich enough to attend.
[Laughing] Oh, man, why are we laughing, dude? I don't know, man.
Laughter's mad contagious.
- I love laughing.
- Me too.
Hey, dude, we gotta get out of here before they use our love - to destroy the world.
- Good plan.
C'mon, Kenny, let's get out of here! Both: Aah! Et tu, Memphis Bleek? Both: Aah! I knew the gold chain was a shock collar.
Argh! But I ain't taking this off.
Aah! I'mma die with this chain! I'm dying with this chain! [Screaming] [Shutters clicking] [Music] [Applause] Rich ladies and rich gentlemen, [Whispering] Beyonce.
[Singing opera] Uh-oh, dude.
That's not good.
Oh, no, the building's transforming into a hova-craft! And it's taking off towards the sun! Hey, Memphis Bleek, can you let us out? Pssh, yeah, right.
Come on, Bleek.
You don't have to be Jay-Z's bitch anymore.
You can be your own bitch.
[Growling] Oww! - Oh, man, it's Jerrod! - What are you doing here? What do you think I'm doing here? I'm here to save you.
Both: Aah! But, how'd you know where to find us? Well, after you guys ditched me at the bar, I took a closer look at that five dollar bill from Jay-Z.
And look what I found.
A little Jay-Z is sitting on the pyramid.
And once I realized Jay-Z was part of the conspiracy, it was only a matter of time before I figured out that those blueprint albums were actually a blueprint to the Illuminati's master plan.
That's flawless reasoning.
Jerrod, you're a genius.
[Alarm goes off] All: Uh-oh.
[Singing] Hurry up! We're getting too close to the sun! How do you turn this thing off? - Oh, here's the off button.
- Oh, yeah.
- We saved Brooklyn! - Yay, we did it! No, you didn't, Lucas Brothers! In exactly five seconds, life as you know it is hova! [Laughs] Not if I have anything to say about it.
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you, you goofy, beanpole-looking mother[bleep].
Hiyaa! Brothers, I'll take care of Jay-Z.
You go point the laser at the met gala.
- All right, word.
- Dude, there's not much time! Take that, Jay-Z! - Ready, Kenny? - Let's do this, Keef.
[Grunting] We can't move it.
It's too heavy! Aah! Brothers, if your love for moving is strong enough to kill us all, it's got to be strong enough to save us all! [Grunting] We're doing it! Jerrod was right, yet again.
Our love for moving conquers all! Aah! Before I let go, can I have your autograph? [Bleep] you, Jerrod! [Grunting] Beyoncã©: Surfboard! - Oh, snap, exploded! - We did it! - We saved Brooklyn! - We saved Brooklyn! Yes! - All the rich people are dead.
- It's all poor people now.
That's probably not a good idea.
- Who's gonna run the businesses? - I don't know.
[Applause] Barack Obama: I want to thank the Lucas Bros and their boy, Jerrod.
As a result of their awesome moving skills, They have saved Brooklyn and killed the Illuminati once and for all.
[Cheering] [Music] [Maniacal laughter] Even Neil Degrasse Tyson himself would say there's so many unanswered questions about the thing that controls our oceans, which in turn pretty much runs our world.
So many things unanswered.
We need to go, we need to walk on it and do more than just swing a [bleep] golf club, because we didn't actually go.
[Laughing] Oh, snap.