Mary & Jane Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

1 Oh bless your heart, bless your heart Wooo hey Okay I'm reloaded Yeah Hey some heads talking about me like That dude ain't a true rapper though He ain't hip-hop He ain't got those bars, bars You know what I'm talking about? I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
I'm sorry, I know it was my turn to sort all the deliveries.
And I did text you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but Oh my God, Paige.
- You already sorted all the product.
- Yeah, I did get that text.
I also got a weird 2:00 a.
butt dial where someone was shouting, "Denver Broncos"? That's his safe word.
Paige - you sorted all the product.
- Yup.
You have your indica over there.
Sativa on the right, hybrids in the middle.
All the pre-rolled joints are over there.
And our vape cartridges and gummies are in the baggies.
This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Paige, let me make it up to you.
Oh, a muffin that's been sitting in your bag for a couple hours.
Jordan, you really shouldn't have.
Okay, fine, substandard gift, I agree.
I'm gonna roll you a perfect doob of Kylo Ren Faire.
It's a classic morning high with a hint of you know what? Maybe I will go back to bed.
No, no, I am on a strict no-wake-and-bake policy.
What, did you what, on your face? Yes, they're all trying to do it now because of porn.
- It's ruining everything.
- Oh my God.
We need to put it out there to guys.
Like this is a no-splash zone.
- Mm-mm.
- Like do a PSA.
Men who care don't finish there.
Brought to you by every woman's face in America.
Girls are so much cleaner than that.
And you never have to wash your hair afterwards.
- So where did you meet this doughnut glazer? - (chuckling) Um, he was actually, uh, what's it called? My delivery.
You (bleep) a customer? - Jordan! - But he made me muffins afterwards, so it's like So this is a sex muffin? Oh my God, how close was this to your face? Not that close hey, whoa, come on, don't be angry high right now, Paige.
Go back to being carefree high.
Remember when we were joking about jizz? Jordan, we cannot sleep with our customers.
We are a pot delivery service, - not prostitutes.
- I know we're not prostitutes.
That's why I didn't take any money.
You didn't take any money for the weed either? - Nope, I didn't.
- Jordan, oh It was one customer, multiple times, but it's not like gonna be a regular thing.
When you asked me to help you with this, you said you wanted to start a real business.
I was going to go into event planning.
I gave up my lifestyle blog for this, Jordan.
Whoa, P, I do care about this.
- Mary + Jane means everything to me.
- Mmm I've invested every penny I have in this business.
On my honor, we will be the great "ganjapreneurs" of the east side or we will die trying! Also, Daniel Day-Lewis is eating my underwear again.
What? Hey! DDL, come here! Why does he always chew on my underwear? Why can he never chew on yours? (whimpering) I told you to stay out of Paige's room, dude.
(moaning) This is really starting to wear on me.
Oh, he just needs exercise.
Let me walk him around the block and then we'll go get breakfast.
So you wanna party? So you wanna dance? You better know someone Then find someone of our friends You wanna get higher? Shake that thing Spinning round and round and round and round like that Oh, I'm starving.
Why couldn't we just go to the Mexicatessen? Everyone says this place is amazing.
Oh, look, it's Jenée.
Jenée! Hey, chick-chacks.
Ooh, you guys are here really late.
I hope they don't run out.
You guys should've just tweeted me your orders.
The owner is obsessed with me.
You look amazing.
Uh, I am so over everything.
You know how I got that book deal off my blog? Well, it turns out they're flying me to Tulum for this whole media conference.
It's basically the new TED Talks.
And now I have to buy sunscreen.
So much yes.
But anyways, once I'm done, I'm definitely gonna throw myself a bomb party.
You guys should come.
Softs3rve is gonna DJ.
Ooh I don't know how you guys left things after he dropped you off in Dumpsville.
Oh, no, we're we're totally fine.
We're cool.
Okay, 'cause you know he was just here.
People were freaking out.
He's basically the new Banksy.
Softs3rve was here? Yeah, and you know he cut off that man bun.
He looks really good.
I think he's doing CrossFit.
(cell phone clicking) Oh, this place is already over.
Bye, Jenée.
Ugh, Jenée.
You know her name is Jenny, right? Like there's no way her parents named her Jenée.
He was like just here.
I just missed him.
I always told him he should cut off that man bun.
He has like the perfect jawline for short hair.
Hey, hey, hey, like the only reason she brought him up was to make you feel like shit.
'Cause she's an asshole.
Sorry, she's an assholé.
Anyway, things are looking up for us, P.
- We got a killer review on "Weeder LA" today.
- Really? Like if we keep this up, we're gonna land on the Green 15.
The Green 15! The top-15 weed dealers in the city.
I've already been practicing my acceptance speech.
I'm pretty sure there's not a ceremony.
Best to be prepared.
Look, look, look.
"Dank wax, tasty buds, hot chicks who go the extra mile.
" Boom.
Okay, see, this is why we this is why we cannot sleep with our customers.
What? Why? That doesn't say anything.
Uh, "who go the extra mile"? Yeah, it's talking about our delivery radius.
You realize that review basically says we're prostitutes.
I think it's pretty clear we're drug dealers.
Uh, uh, mostly legal prescription delivery service.
Fine, no more sex.
But if someone insists on just going down on me, then I have to let them.
(hammering in the distance) Go, go, go, go, go Welcome to MNNA.
Cracked wheat or six-year sourdough? I'm gonna do the six-year sourdough and a coffee.
Two please, with butter.
We don't have butter.
No butter, no jam, no spreads, also no coffee or any drinks.
Wait, I'm sorry, you just sell dry toast? Two six-year sourdough.
That's 14.
Dollars? American dollars? (toast crunching) Mmm mm-hmm.
(gulping) No Instagramming! Get the (bleep) out! - Yuck.
- (cell phone ringing) Ooh, delivery.
- Beachwood.
- Nice.
Oh, crap, it's Robbie.
(Paige) Ugh, come on.
(man) Ladies, hi! How's business? Saw your review on "Weeder LA.
" You guys are offering prostitution services now too? See? What, do you just go through "Weeder LA" and look for our reviews? You must be really threatened by us, Robbie.
Not at all, actually.
I read that and I was like (gasping) good for them.
That's adorable.
I have something here that I thought you'd love to see.
Oh, look who cracked the Green 15.
(bleep) me with a Christmas tree.
How did you do that? Easy, celebrity endorsement.
(gasping) Boom! Oh, come on.
That's right, bitches.
Pot Holder is Rogen approved.
You got a picture with Seth Rogen? How much did you have to pay him to get him to do that? Nothing.
I just send him some free Sour Diesel.
(gasping) Business.
Big deal, who cares? I'm sorry? Big deal? - Yeah.
- The Green 15? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you're right.
It is a big deal.
(inhaling) Have a smoking day.
(exhaling) (inhaling) (hoverboard whirring) We are getting on that goddamn list.
"Have a smoking day.
" Stupidest (bleep) catchphrase ever.
Hey I am not losing to Robbie because he got a selfie with the world's most famous stoner.
Okay, who do we know? Who can we get a picture with? What? You okay? Yup.
Okay, I I just need to come out and say this.
You need to get over this shitbag and move on.
Jordan, I am fine, okay? I mean, I barely even think about him anymore.
Look, I get it, okay? He is a rising graffiti artist with a mystique about him, like a smile from Kanye West.
And, yeah, he makes ten grand a night to (bleep) DJ.
Which is not a real job.
And according to you, he has a huge penis.
But at the end of the day, he's a self-centered, cheating asshole.
Who overuses the word "authentic.
" Also, he used all my Moroccan oil shampoo on his goddamn man bun.
You can't live like this, P.
I have my own process, okay? I have been doing vision boards.
I have my positive affirmations.
I am doing Tracy Anderson, it's not No, no, no, no.
You need to (bleep) him out of your system.
Random sex doesn't cure anything.
Random sex cures everything.
Headaches, uh, period cramps, Lyme disease, boredom.
Also, it is scientifically proven to be the best and only way to get over a breakup.
You realize that Lyme disease is a real thing, right? Is it? Oh my God, look, someone lost a monkey.
- I would kill for a monkey.
- I would not give him a dipshit name like Tumbles, though.
Jordan, we cannot get a monkey.
We would never get our security deposit back.
And plus, Daniel Day-Lewis would freak out.
It's not his fault, he's a jealous breed.
Ah push it - (Paige) Whoa - (Jordan) Whoa It's so fancy.
Who the hell lives here? And how do we get them to be regular clients? Without having sex with them.
Good afternoon.
Cool place.
We have your weed.
What? They called us.
They know we're drug dealers.
Uh, mostly legal prescription delivery service.
Follow me, won't you? (shrieking) Please, wait here.
Will you look at this place? No one comes by this kind of money legally.
I mean, that's what I'm hoping.
God, you could throw such great parties here.
I always used to dream that Softs3rve and I would throw really good parties.
And we'd invite people from his gallery.
And normal people too.
Maybe Cara Delevingne would show up.
Our house would be big but not this big.
You know, it would be cozy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Tasteful.
My dream is to live inside a 747 that circles the globe, and we'd only land when I need to slap you in the face for talking about Softs3rve.
Hey, Jordan, look.
Look, look, look, look! Oh, come on, you can get these in any souvenir shop in Hollywood.
No, no, no, these are real.
- Wait! Don't touch that.
- Why? Because if you touch it you're never gonna win one in real life.
Best Supporting Actress 19 (gasping) That's who lives here.
Oh my God.
I think they're like the biggest movie stars on the planet.
They're like the sexiest movie stars on the planet.
I don't even know which one of them I'd do it with.
And they're such good people.
He basically rebuilt Haiti with his bare hands.
And I think she won a Nobel Prize.
I mean, I guess I could do it with both of them.
No, no, you are not going to have a three-way with them.
What? No! I mean, yeah, but no.
I'm gonna get a picture with them.
"F" Seth Rogen! This is our ticket to the Green 15.
If they ever show up.
Sir? - Did you see this? It has boobs in it.
- What? (cell phone clicking) (Jordan) Dammit, Robbie's at 13.
That asshat's actually climbing.
We gotta get on this list, Paige.
What are you doing? Oh, I might go home for Thanksgiving and when my friends brag to me about their engagements, I can tell them I deliver weed to movie stars.
Oh, I'm not gonna say that.
No, I meant why are you using my camera on the back to take a selfie? Because the camera on the front isn't as sharp.
Yeah, but that's what the camera is for, look - No, Jordan, I'm fine, I know how to do it! - Yeah, this is how you take (both gasping) - Oh! - Oh, fix it.
Dude, you fix it, I don't know how to fix it.
You're crafty, don't you have glue in your bag? I have weed in my bag.
I'm not a glue dealer! Hello.
Why is that Asian man so tiny? It's not a man, it's a child.
Why are there so many of them? Have you seen Mama or Papa? Um Are you the new nannies? Will you play with us? (Jordan) They're looking at you.
No, they're not, they're looking at you.
I don't know how to play with kids.
You have a dog, that's basically the same thing.
Can we watch a show? - Yeah, sure.
- Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, there's so much I wanna catch up on.
Where's the remote? In the theater.
- Home theater, sweet.
- (chuckling) (text alerting) Oh, it's another delivery.
What are we gonna do? I am not leaving without this picture.
You go, take the car, I'll Lyft it home.
Kids, Auntie Jordan's coming to watch TV with you! (glass tinkling) (woman on radio) I am happy being single.
I can have a lot of fun being single.
I'm happy being single.
I can have a lot of fun being single.
I find romance everywhere I go.
I never know what amazing, incredible person I might meet next.
(man sobbing) Tumbles! Tumbles.
There is joy and happiness all around me.
Okay, what are we watching, "SpongeBob"? "Phineas and Ferb"? We're not allowed to watch television or movies.
What? I thought you said we were watching a show.
Good evening, we are Live Wire.
We're gonna do some long-form improvisational comedy for you.
Now, can I get a suggestion from the audience for a topic? Anything a book title, current events.
(girl) Poop! Okay, we're going to do poop again.
(whispering) What year is it? How long have you been here? Shh.
Can you give this letter to my parents? Are you kidding? Of course she's kidding.
It's comedy.
(nervously laughing) (Australian accent) G'day, mate.
I think I might've had too much Mexican food last night.
(blowing raspberry) (children laughing) (whispering) Help me.
Excuse me, they're ready to see you now.
(crickets chirping) (doorbell ringing) - Hi.
- Hello.
- (man swallowing) - I have your delivery.
Cool, I'm Chris.
Um how does this work? Do I just give you the cash first or (whimpering) - Um, we could do cash later.
- Oh, God.
I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening.
- Are you okay, are you having a seizure? - I'm sorry.
(electrical beeping) You know, he was working at a Chipotle when I first met him, and he was like totally broke and every night I had to buy all of his spray paints for him.
I used to drive him around at night so he could tag things and not get caught.
But then (bleep) Taylor Swift Insta'd one of his ice cream cones and suddenly he's all like, "Oh, babe, sorry, "I just got invited to this event in Malibu and I can't bring a plus-one.
" And he's not coming home at night anymore and He doesn't even need me to buy him his spray paints.
My best friend, Jordan she just keeps on telling me that the only way I'm ever gonna get over him is if I have rebound sex with someone else.
And that it doesn't even really matter who.
I just have to have sex with someone and I mean, that's That's like crazy, right? Mmm.
(woman) Come on in.
- (Paige) Right there, right there! - (Chris) Okay, okay.
That's nice.
- Oh, it's so - Oh my God.
Oh I'm getting close.
- Oh! - (shrieking) Tumbles? You're ruining it! Yeah, yeah, I'm ruining it.
I'm wrecking it.
I'm a wrecking ball! Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Whoa! (woman) Sorry to have kept you waiting.
You guys look so different in person.
Well, without all the makeup and costumes, we're really just normal people.
What the (bleep) did I just smoke? Um, I have your stuff.
Oh, great, just leave it on the dresser.
The money should be there for you.
You know, we love supporting women in business for themselves.
Hey, would it be like totally crazy if I asked to take a photo with you guys? Oh, not at all.
No problemo.
That's so cool, thank you.
God, move over.
Ah, thanks, guys.
You know, you should really use the camera on the back.
Wait, really? Trust me, I'm an award-winning director.
Just do it, she's right about everything.
All right.
(cell phone clicking) You were great.
You too.
- (chuckling) - Thanks.
Hey, um, you got Square, right? So I can use my card? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, it's kind of stupid For charges under $50 we kind of prefer cash.
Wasn't the Kush 45? Yeah.
What about the sex? What? How much for the sex that we did? Why would I charge you for sex? I'm I'm not a hooker.
Okay, very funny.
(chuckling) Well, how would you get that idea? 'Cause the "Weeder LA" review said you guys "go the extra mile.
" Like what else would that mean? Dammit, Jordan.
Wait, you had sex with me 'cause you wanted to? That's awesome! Goddamnit, Jordan! (Jordan) Why the hell do we have to bring our own plates? - It's a green experience.
- What? No, they're really concerned about the water shortage.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
When I go home and wash the plate, I'm still gonna use water.
So this is not a green experience.
- This is not a green experience! - Shh! - You're gonna get us kicked out of line.
- So? - But Jenée said this place is the tits.
- (groaning) You are the only person I would do this for.
Aw Oh, and great advice, by the way, on using the camera on the back.
Look at this.
- That photo's worthless.
- Mmm But the good news is we got a lot of referrals.
We're gonna be fine.
Oh, and Robbie got a cease and desist from Seth Rogen.
- What? - Yeah.
He made him take the picture down.
He fell off the Green 15 completely.
Clearing the way for us, baby boo.
- Boom! - Boom! - (text alerting) - Oh.
- Who's that? - I don't know.
Who's Chris? It's that guy from last night.
"Can I take you out sometime? I'll bring the weed.
" Nice, okay.
Are we gonna text him back? - I don't know, it's - This is great.
This is the power of rebound sex.
You are already moving on.
I love it, this could be something.
Yeah, being mistaken for a prostitute is exactly how I thought I'd meet my soul mate.
(whimpering) (text alerting) See, homegirl, he's texting you twice in one day.
- You got skills.
- So, what are you gonna tell him? Good move, man.
Don't wanna seem desperate.
I get that.
- (text alerting) - Oh "Fillabow," that's a delivery.
Can't wait in this line anymore Gotta go! Uh (bleep) this green experience! We bring you the real green experience.
'Cause we're mother(bleep) drug dealers, yo! Okay, okay, it's a mostly legal prescription delivery service.
Okay, Mary + Jane, look us up, thank you.
You know what, that's a really good slogan.
Mary + Jane bring you the green experience.
Yes, put it on some panties so your customers can see it.
Say it baby what's your name? Are you the one Mary? Are you Jane? I know a few faces and I do got game Turn it up for me now light that flame