Mary & Jane Episode Scripts

N/A - Girl on Gurl

1 - (yawning) - Morning, sleepyhead.
- Morning, happy pants.
- That's right, I am.
And you said emailing these customer satisfaction surveys would be a waste of time.
But see, they are all coming back and they're coming back positive.
Of course they're satisfied, they keep buying weed.
No, but the question is will they buy more weed? Will they tell their friends about us? Did they enjoy our Hash Wednesday promotion? Morning, Julian! Okay, see, look at this one.
"You guys should expand your delivery hours - to Sunday mornings.
" - Mmm.
We can totally do that.
(yawning) No, you can totally do that.
"That eighth of Erykah Badoobie was turnt.
" - Oh, that's so sweet.
- Mmhmm.
- Hi, Mandy.
- Morning, Paige.
Okay "Sorry, I decided to switch to the other girl who sells weed.
" - What other girl? - Me? Uh, gotta run.
Got that test launch later.
He invented some sort of rocket that runs on poo.
So, wait, are you still doing that? Hell yeah, it's the perfect situation.
I get dinner, I get laid, and then they go home and they take all their boring married relationship bullshit with them.
Plus, they're loaded.
And they seem really into spoiling me.
Like last night, I couldn't decide what I wanted for dessert, okay? Julian's like, "Definitely the crepes.
" And then Mandy goes, "If she wants chocolate lava cake, let her have the chocolate lava cake.
" And then I got both, I had two desserts.
It's like I'm their kid but I get to have sex with them.
That's not what I meant at all.
It's awesome! I've always wondered what that would be like.
Sex with two people at once.
Do you want in? Mandy medaled in Olympic volleyball.
She can throw me around like a Bichon Frise.
- (alert pinging) - No Tanya Westford has invited you to like her page.
You're still on Facebook, - because who's still on Facebook? - I mean, I never check it.
It's just that my Facebook is linked to my Instagram, which is linked to my Pinterest, which is linked to my Twitter, which is linked to my Snapchat, which is linked to my Linkedln.
I mean, that's probably how she found me.
When do you find time to masturbate? Uch, Tanya.
She's the worst.
"Grass Gurl, medical marijuana delivery service" Tanya, you mother.
Say it baby what's your name? Are you the one Mary? Are you Jane? It all started in grade school.
Everything I did like two seconds later, Tanya did.
I took ice skating lessons, Tanya took ice skating lessons.
I bought a bedazzled belt from Hot Topic.
Tanya bought a bedazzled belt from Hot Topic.
I got boobs, Tanya got bigger boobs.
Uch, that's some straight-up "Single White Female.
" It all came to a head in the seventh grade when I decided to try out to be the Bartlett Bee.
It was our school mascot.
You had to wear this amazing costume with wings and bouncy antennae and dance at all the games.
And then Tanya shows up at the try-outs and they give it to her.
Now Tanya's delivering weed.
- I'm gonna have to find a new job.
- What are you talking about? Everything I have ever wanted or liked, Tanya takes.
Hey, you're a grown woman.
No one's gonna steal your life.
I tried to take the last of your almond milk yesterday, and you nearly broke my wrist.
No one's gonna take what's yours.
- You're right thanks.
- Yeah.
Com Deus me deito com Deus me levanto Comigo Eu calo comigo Eu canto Eu bato um papo Eu bato um ponto Eu tomo um drinque Eu fico Tonto 15 bucks to drink out of a baby bottle, for real? It's all GMO.
(woman) Paige? Oh my God.
Paige? Tanya! Hi! Oh my God! - It is so good to see you.
- It is.
Oh my God, this place is cramazing.
I finally scooped it off your Insta.
How are you? I just moved to LA.
And I'm delivering weed.
Dita! I'm Grass Gurl! (laughing) Wow, um Did you know that I deliver weed? Of course.
You are such an inspiration.
I mean, look at you.
You look "gorgetastic.
" Who colors your hair around here? Um, I I do it myself.
Of course you do.
You're always so ahead of the curve.
Oh my God, I have to go.
We should hang out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, oh - Okay! Okay, I'll text you.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm gonna text her.
(all) Bye! Bye, Paige! Nice to meet you.
(Jordan) She totally ripped off our website! She took our font and everything.
And you know how you put a little cartoon bee next to our honey cartridges? She put two bees! What the (bleep)?! See, I told you, this is what she does.
She is going to steal all of our clients.
What are we gonna do? (growling) - We're not gonna do anything.
- What do you mean? Look, is it annoying? Yes.
Is it unoriginal? Yes.
Does she look totally hot in a bikini with a doob in her cleavage? No comment.
She may be Bin Laden's ball sack (doorbell ringing) but it goes against everything I stand for to push another woman out of the way.
But Hi.
For me? Women have had to fight too hard to get a seat at the table.
So as far as I am concerned, there's room for everybody.
Just like in my bed, there's room for everybody.
See? (chuckling) "Jordan, last night was incredible.
I want you all to myself, Julian.
" - Ohh - That's nice.
"Jordan, you blew my mind last night.
I want you all to myself, Mandy.
" Seems like people think your bed's a little crowded.
(wind chimes tinkling) Bye.
Oh my God, you're great.
What are you doing here? Paige.
What are you doing here? Making a delivery.
Oh, well, this is my delivery.
Too Many Wind Chimes Wayne, he's my regular customer.
I deliver here every Tuesday.
Oh, well, I don't know, he ordered from me.
I bet he got us mixed up because we're both girls and we both deliver weed.
- (laughing) - Oh my God.
Hey, that hat looks great on you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, you're also wearing her hat.
(giggling) Bye.
(laughing) Okay, well, I'll see you later.
Bye, hat twin.
(laughing) Okay, bye! (laughing) This stupid hat.
(bell ringing) Hey there, Paige.
Oh, feminist mobile librarian, I'm so glad that you're here.
Oh, your house is on my Thursday route.
Is there something you just couldn't wait to read? No, actually, I wanted some advice.
Hit me up.
Well, do you ever find it hard being supportive of other women all the time? Absolutely not.
That is our privilege and our duty.
I know, it's just I can't Don't say "just.
" "Just" is one of the great women's underminers.
It make you sound apologetic and defensive.
Here, put a quarter in the "just" jar.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?! Sorry gives away all your power.
Come on! Susan B.
Anthony did not fight for your right to pull a lever only to have you sulking on the corner, using self-defeating language and crying about how hard it is to help out your sisters! Just remember, girls compete with each other.
Women empower one another.
(bike horn honking) Mother of Hey, this is my route, you (bleep)! Ugh! - (bike crashing) - Oh! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like it's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you but I have to charge My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard Delivery! (gate buzzing) Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you but I have to charge (gate creaking) Mother(bleep).
(bubbling) (sighing) You look ridiculous.
- You're wearing an ice diaper.
- Touché.
- Oh, thanks.
- Mmhmm.
God, what is all of this? This is Mandy and Julian.
I have never met two people more competitive.
Do you see these presents? I actually got bored of opening them.
Look at that.
They sent me three TVs.
And this afternoon, they got into an orgasm competition.
Like who could get me off the most times.
It's like I won.
Also, I lost.
It's a disaster area down there.
Oy, I feel like FEMA's gonna have to get involved.
Wait a minute.
Flowers, presents, multiple orgasms.
Am I in a relationship? This just got really unsexy all of a sudden.
Minus the multiple orgasms.
Ahh Oh, P, come on, I hate watching you do this to yourself.
I can't stop.
I mean, I wish I could.
God, she just gets under my skin, dude.
It's like why can't you have your own things? You know, why do you need to steal mine? This isn't you.
Play your own ball, P.
You do you.
I'll do those weirdoes.
You're right.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
I'm getting brunch with Jenée in the morning.
Oh, I think I broke my ass.
I'm in a "threelationship.
" Gross.
(whispering) Wait, you're the plus one? (all) Shh! (whispering continues) Can you speak up a little? I can't hear you.
(all) Shh! (man) Shh! You're (bleep) dating Softs3rve? (all) Shh! No, time to leave.
- This isn't Yell, my dear.
- But, I I feel like you're gonna want a shelf that pulls out for your turntable.
But I don't have a turntable.
Please don't buy me a turntable.
I didn't even want shelves.
Come look at the hot tub, J.
Whoa, did my landlord say you could build a hot tub? If my Jordan sees a hot tub on "House Hunters" and says, "Look at that hot tub," I build her a hot tub.
Besides, (bleep) your landlord.
I can build whatever I want.
I built a rocket that runs on human feces.
Suck on that, Elon Musk.
Huh! Men, always waving around their phallic-shaped accomplishments.
You don't see me running around with my six Olympic medals.
Oh, count the bronze, do you? How many medals did you win, shit rocket? Guys, you are kind of stressing me out right now.
- Oh, you're so tense, baby.
- What are you talking about? Bartlett Bee, Wind Chimes Wayne, my hat, Jenée, Softs3rve! Ice skating, Hot Topic belt, Bartlett Bee, Softs3rve.
What's up, Arya Stark? Hey, whoa, be careful, that's Kanye East.
That's really strong, do you wanna talk about it? - (Paige) No! - (door slamming) I don't care if it's my duty to support other women.
Tanya never supported me.
She unsupported me, like a bad strapless bra all stretched out.
She was a strapless, stretched-out friend.
(Jenée) Support your own teats.
That girl's a copycat and a super whore.
Stand up for yourself, Paige.
I would never let Tanya step to me like that.
Jenée, why are you wearing the Bartlett Bee costume? Doesn't it look great on me? Seriously, Paige, when are you gonna stop letting Tanya grab everything she sees like a drag queen at the Sephora? It's time to shut that (blank) down.
Oh, oh (woman) Remember what the feminist mobile librarian said, Paige.
Women empower one another.
Yay, Susan B.
Anthony, champion boner killer.
Listen, bee, you're not needed here.
Paige is a woman of peace.
Paige, we can just vision-board our way to a solution.
No, Paige, you need to go hard.
Like a 13-year-old boy with unrestricted Internet hard.
Oh, can you do that thing you were doing to my neck? Ahh Take the high road, Paige.
You're a better person than that.
Doing the right thing will always feel really really good.
Sue B.
, you slutty, suffragette.
- Stop trying to beaver block me.
- Oh It won't end well, Paige.
And you'll just be playing into the male stereotype that all women are catty and jealous.
Mm-hmm That's how they keep women trapped in a tiny little box, - in a tiny, little box.
- Do it Little little box! (panting) You know who's been in Tanya's box? Softs3rve.
That Grass Gurl's ass is grass.
Susan B.
Anthony? Hand herpes? It's like herpes but on your hands.
And Grass Gurl has a rampant case of it.
It's on absolutely everything she's touched, her weed, it's I am so sorry that she's done this to you.
You know, I'm just trying to be a responsible citizen and alert every one of her customers.
- Jesus.
- I know, it.
On the bright side, all of Mary + Jane's products have been screened and tested free of hand herpes.
So if you would ever like to switch back to us being your regular provider, we would be honored.
Of course, definitely.
Is it can you give it to children? Oh my God, what have you been doing?! Oh no, I-I-I-I'm a crossing guard.
I high-five all the kids when they come across.
Oh, um Oh, no, no.
It is not contagious to children.
Phew, that's a relief.
It's such a stressful job.
All the parents honking at me all the time.
Can I get a quarter of Chokemon? You know what, buddy? You've had a rough day.
Let's make it a half.
I can't believe you broke up with Julian and Mandy.
And with a text.
No, a group text.
But you're one to throw shade.
I keep getting panicked phone calls about a hand herpes epidemic? Hey, I did that for us.
Our traffic is up 20%.
Fine, you have me in these until Friday, and then I'm done with this charade.
By any means necessary.
I do not agree with the means.
But if you're happy, I'm happy.
I'm happy.
Victory is sweet with a really guilty aftertaste.
(sobbing) Hey.
Hey, Paige.
Don't sit too close.
I don't want you to get hand herpes.
(crying) Oh, God! Tanya, hand herpes isn't a real thing.
I know, Paige.
I didn't think it could happen to me either.
No, I made it up.
What? I'm so sorry.
I don't know, I was trying to protect my business and a bunch of other things, and I took it way, way too far.
- I'm so sorry.
- (bell ringing) Two sorrys, 50 cents! (bell ringing) Why do you hate me so much? I don't know.
I guess I've just never understood why you're always trying to steal my ideas and one-up me.
But I just wanted to be your friend.
I just wanted you to think I was as cool as you are.
You're my role model.
You are.
Remember, I said all this at the juice place.
You're an inspiration, and you're always ahead of the curve.
Yeah, but nobody actually means that when they say it.
What do you mean? So you weren't trying to copy me.
You were trying to be like me.
I gave up a bunch of stuff that I really loved because I was too intimidated by you.
Because, I mean, look at you.
You're so much prettier than me, and you have a way better body.
Stop, I am so grossed.
I'm like a disgusting whale made of old frosting.
No, you know what? Let's not do this anymore.
Let's stop it right now.
Because you're great and I'm great.
We're both cramazing.
We just have to believe that and be ourselves.
You be you.
Hey, come on, I bet you have plenty of wonderful ideas that are just yours.
Actually, I do have one.
It's for this car that gets you high.
Well, I mean, not all ideas are gold right away.
We could do it together.
The car that gets you high.
It's a car that gets you high.
And I'm gonna let you run with that one and What if the thing that we do together is be friends? Yeah, friends.
Where'd you get this? - Nope.
- Sorry, habit.
(soft pop music playing in the distance) Tell me how am I supposed to live without you Guys, I said it was over.
Just give up already.
Losers quit when they're tired! Winners quit when they've won! Yeah, whoever said winning isn't everything, never won anything! (man) Shut up, you assholes think you're at Yell?! No! They have great fries! Would you go to Yell and pick me up some fries? - Okay.
- And a frittata! Egg dishes to go? Are you crazy? Eggs don't travel Guys, shut up! Everybody, shut up and turn those off now! Guys this cannot go on anymore, do you understand? I'm not in love with either of you, so no one's gonna win.
Competing with other people is just a it's a useless waste of time.
But that's how we get off.
What? Yeah, by competing with one another.
It's a massive turn-on.
Who said anything about being in love with you? So I was just I was just a pawn in your sex game? You were just using me to enhance your marriage? Well yeah, uh Gross.
Yeah, well, I gave you hand herpes! Mmm! If you haven't heard of Hotbox, the latest entry into the gold rush that is the legal marijuana industry, some might say you're high.
Or perhaps not high enough.
Hotbox takes the concept of rides on demand and adds something a little extra special.
The ability to partake while you drive.
How it works is you have to go to a party or the dentist or jury duty and you wanna get high.
But you know you shouldn't 'cause you're driving.
Dita! You call a Hotbox.
They run your weed card and you get picked up.
And the car has like vapes and "J" s inside.
And you expect to turn how much of a profit this year? - Around two million.
- A little more.
A car that gets you high.
- I am a complete dipshit.
- How could you have known? That sounds stupid even now.
So, Julian and Mandy Post, a rocket scientist a former Olympic athlete, what makes you see someone like Tanya here and invest your money in her idea? Well, we both just saw something in her.
I saw her first.
No, she saw you on my Facebook page and then she called you and asked you for money! Remarkable.
Tanya, how did you know you could have something this exceptional and get it off the ground? I just had to believe in Tanya.
My motto is "me be me.
" No, it's "you be you.
" You be you! That and having strong role models.
- Oh, oh wait, wait, wait, she's gonna talk about me.
- Oh.
Women like Susan B.
Anthony and one of my oldest friends, Jenée.
(Terry) That is very moving.
You know, kudos to you, Tanya.
You catch me on the next one.
Will do, Tony.
It's Terry.
Right! (laughing) I mean, it's like she - What are you doing? - Hmm? Are you calling a Hotbox? No, I would never do that.
Next on Mary + Jane This is not your ordinary, everyday weed lube.
It gives you a high that is so amazing, you're able to connect with your inner self.
(woman) Paige, what did you do to me? - I can hear my - Me too.
I can hear yours.
(woman) I wanna grow my hair out.
(woman) Why aren't we wearing underwear? It's freezing in here! We can hear everyone's.
We can hear everyone's.