Mary & Jane Episode Scripts

N/A - Rehab

1 (cars honking).
(Jordan) Ugh, Mother of Moses, it is hot.
I don't have a single body part that's not sweating right now.
I know God, you know how everyone's always, like, you're so lucky to live in L.
A.
It's so sunny all the time.
Do they have butt sweat 11 months out of the year? I would stab you for an ocean breeze right now.
I'm so hot, I've literally sweated my boobs off, Look at this.
Do you see this? Can you stop Tindering and listen to me complain? I mean, just look at these guys.
Data entry.
IT manager.
Insurance sales? Ugh! Wait.
Oh, this guy used to be the backup drummer for Fall Out Boy.
Motorcycle.
Padlock necklace.
Right! Wait Where'd he go? Why aren't we a match? What happened to that ring your mom gave you for Christmas? Oh, you know that guy Todd that I dated for a while? He kinda stole it.
Well, he was super in debt from getting his tattoo license.
He's a true artist.
I mean, your ring, my boobs? There's a lot going missing right now.
Oh, my God, I don't want my skin to be touching my skin.
Aaaaahh! Whoa This place is huge.
It looks just like Bachelorette Manor.
Psst! Mary and Jane? Yeah, that That's us.
Awesome.
Hey, do you guys mind if we do the exchange out here? I got dogs in the house, ring the bell, they start barking, it's a mess.
Yeah, yeah, no prob, I love dogs.
Thanks.
Cool house by the way.
Do you mind if I ask what you do? Tech Yeah, actually, Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook from the guy who stole it from me, so.
I don't Is that true? (scoffs) Is that true? Doug? They're looking for you.
You're late for group.
Oh, right-o, man.
Right-o.
I guess I'll see you ladies in mindfulness therapy, huh? Holy crap.
Did we just deliver drugs to a guy in rehab? - Huh? - (loud splash) What? I would stab you to get in that pool.
I kind of feel like you mean it now.
Are you two supposed to be in group right now? Oh No, no, no, we don't belong here.
Oh, if I had a dollar for every patient who said that.
Now, would you like robes for the spa or towels for the pool? - No, we really - Uh, yes.
Yes, we would.
Say baby, what's your name? (What's your name?) Are you the one Mary? Are you Jane? (Jordan) "Here at Becomings, we offer our patented six-step program.
" Half the steps at twice the price.
Damn, rich people get to do everything better.
Look at this spa menu.
They have a 15-hands massage.
Paige! 15 hands! So, does one masseuse have one hand? Or does one masseuse have three hands? Serenity bell chimes and then, with warm jojoba oil, scented with the essence of blah-blah-blah 15 hands, I'm in.
Jordan, we cannot stay here.
It's fine.
We'll just stay here for a little bit then we'll skip out.
Vagina steam? I don't even know what that is.
Put me down for 3:00.
Thank you.
Say my name It got a ring (What?) Hotter than my diamonds from Tiffany's Make you copy cut paste and click on me I'm glistening I'm glistening Yeah I'm on that You can't afford You can't afford I'm maxing out on "Forbes" list Yo I bet you never seen a black card, back off I could fit your condo in my backyard Better recognize opulence Opulence Recognize opulence Opulence - I own everything, baby - Come on, mouth.
Make room! (bell tolling) Do you hear that? It's a serenity bell.
That means someone is getting a 15-hands massage and tomorrow, that somebody's gonna be me.
We're staying here overnight? Yeah, dude.
They have central air.
And I clocked a vacant room just past that smoothie bar.
Wait a minute, is that I think that's Chris! Do you remember him? He was that super sweet guy that I slept with and he thought I was a prostitute, but it a really just a mix-up stemming from that time that you slept with one of our customers.
I'm looking forward to when you let that go.
We went on one date after that, but he was just so Chris.
I had to ghost him.
I wonder what he's doing in rehab.
He looks like taller Or broader or something.
Hello, ladies.
Enjoying the facilities? Amazing.
The vagina steam fell a little bit short of my expectations.
So your Miscellaneous Addictions group session starts in five minutes.
That's not our group.
Thank you, though.
Well, I've been watching you two all day and you know, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't reported to a single group session, and therapy is mandatory for patients.
Unless, of course, you aren't patients and you just snuck in here to use the facilities.
(both laughing) Miscellaneous addictions.
That I didn't hear that part.
That is our group.
Yeah, our addictions definitely fall into the miscellaneous category.
Jordan! French pastries! Not again! Welcome to Miscellaneous Addictions.
Please keep your shares to under five minutes and never, ever, ever share without the talking stick.
Thanks.
Ahem.
Um, hi.
I'm Doug.
(all) Became, become, be Doug! Yeah uh I'm a workaholic.
I'm super addicted to working on super secret government projects.
Uh, Doug I'm addicted to my stormy, yet passionate relationship with Emma Stone, with whom I share two children.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
(sighs deeply) I'm addicted to lying.
Although I did meet Emma Stone.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
(sobbing) Thank you, Doug.
Chris? Uh, hey.
I'm Chris.
(all) Became, become, be Chris! Chris.
I wonder when it's gonna get better, you know? I still crave it.
I still wake up in sweats because I can't sleep through the night without it.
And I'm still afraid to get close to anyone, because I'm always sneaking off to get my fix.
(whispering) I feel like you dodged a bullet.
- Jordan.
- What? - Shh.
- Would you like to share? What? Yeah, I'll share, I don't mind.
Uh, hi.
I'm Jordan.
(all) Became, become, be Jordan! Um, if I'm addicted to anything, it's probably just work and success and general bad-assery and just, you know, pimping hoes and clocking the grip, so that's me and I'd like to go back to the pool now.
Are you uncomfortable with emotion? What?! No, I love emotions.
Happiness, elation, joy.
Yes, please! What was the green character in "Inside-Out"? - Disgust! - That resonated with me.
Emotions are like my sweatpants, that's how comfortable I am in Emotion.
Yah.
Okay.
Let's break for trust falls.
(sobbing) And then there was Noah.
And he threw a party at my apartment.
But then he slept with two of my best friends, in my bed.
Then there was Pete.
Do you remember Pete? Oh, Pete! He stole her identity and then used it to get credit cards and then bought all these plane tickets with her credit cards Jordan.
The talking stick is with Paige right now.
Well, Paige.
It seems like you've got an open heart, but maybe you're drawn to destructive people.
Maybe I am.
Excellent, Paige.
Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today.
Good work.
Most of you.
Until we meet again.
Love and light, dear friends.
I gotta go That guy David is zeroing in on me and it's Popsicle-o'-clock at the pool.
Okay, I'll catch up with you.
- Hey, Chris.
- Hey.
Hey.
It's crazy that we're both here in rehab together.
Yeah.
God, Chris, I'm I feel really bad about how everything went down and I know after we went on that date, - you texted me a couple times and - Eight.
I texted I texted you eight times.
- Was it that many? - Mm-hmm.
Um, eight times.
Well, I was in a really messed-up place and I guess I wish I'd known you were having a hard time, too, because maybe we could have been there for each other.
Yeah, I don't think you could have helped.
It was messy.
Some of it was dark.
I like dark.
You know, sometimes people are just a little more interesting and complicated than you might think.
(bell tolling) Jordan.
Oh! Hello.
Beautiful sound, isn't it? You know, that bell is from an ancient monastery in Tibet? And it's only rung during the sacred ritual that begins the 15-hand massage.
Mm-hmm.
I've read about it.
And I am very much looking forward to mine.
But right now, I'm late for a seaweed wrap, so I'll bid you adieu.
Jordan.
I can't stop thinking about your problem.
I don't have a problem.
I mean, I do, but, like, the regular sort of problem for which one might go to rehab.
I'm talking about your inability to express sincere emotion.
There's no healing without feeling.
There's no denying crying.
Not with a fox, not in a box.
(chuckling) (clears throat) I can cry.
I cry all the time, I'm just holding back because I'm feeling vulnerable here.
(sobbing) Good God, it's worse than I thought.
You're dealing with severe emotional blockage.
You might be right.
And I would love to stay here and talk about it, just, after my seaweed wrap and then maybe like, 20, 30 minutes max in the saline pool, okay? Wait, are you crying? I'm so sorry, just give me a moment.
I am so moved by your struggle.
Now, we do things differently here at Becomings, but I assure you, that it is very effective if you will simply commit to the program.
Look around you.
Why do you think all of these people keep coming back year after year after year? But I thought the point of rehab was, like, not to come back.
Oh, Jordan.
Do any of us ever stop becoming his or her best self? Oh My child.
Come with me.
We have so much work to do.
And by so much work, do you mean seaweed wrap? (Bleep) David spa-blocked me hard today.
He took me to his office and made me take a 200-question psychological test.
I didn't get a test.
Just come here and, like, pull a nose hair or something and I'll cry.
Well, I'm not gonna be able to do that in front of David.
We could distract him.
Maybe instead you should focus on finding your deeper emotional issue.
I don't have a deeper emotional issue.
Jordan.
You're, like, my best friend in the whole world, and all I want for you is to be happy, but You know, sometimes in order to be happy, you just have to be sad and I just love you so much.
Are you tearing up?! Could you do it again and I'll take notes? (knocking) Just a minute! All right.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I thought you'd wanna hang.
See what kind of trouble we can get into.
Really? Became, become, but use a be-condom! - - Okay, you ready? What is all of this? It's from David's office.
I broke into the cabinet where they keep all the stuff they confiscate from patients.
I guess this little guy is addicted to being adorable.
Oh, I almost forgot.
For you.
Look, I know we didn't get a lot of time to get to know each other before, but I really want to get to know you now, and I just want you to know that no matter what you have to tell me, I promise you, I won't be afraid.
It's not my first time here.
Really? I mean, I'm so sorry.
I was doing great for almost a year.
But then, the next thing you know, I am in a Costco, and it's August, and it is all out in front of me.
- Three months early.
- God.
Then, all of a sudden, the mini bars are everywhere.
Even in the dentist's office.
Whoa What kind of dentist has a mini bar? The minis are the gateway to the full size and the full size are the gateway to the king size.
But you don't feel like a king, because the next thing you know, it is Halloween night and you are lying on the floor dressed like an astronaut, licking the wrappers like an animal.
I'm sorry, what are we talking about? I'm addicted to chocolate, Paige.
You're addicted to chocolate? I am.
But I'm gonna get through it this time.
One day at a time, you know? You know, I just realized, I'm late for group.
It's midnight.
Well, addiction never rests Bye! (sighing deeply) Oh.
Oh.
Okay, David, I am very excited and interested to hear the results of my test, but my 15-hands massage is in ten minutes and I feel it would be bad for my recovery if I missed it.
Jordan.
Feeling real emotion is going to be the first step in breaking you out of this self-imposed prison.
Listen, I'm gonna level with you and just tell you the complete truth.
(sighs) I'm afraid I'm addicted to weed, and I do it because it helps me to manage the anxiety of becoming an adult and going into business for myself, selling marijuana, and yes, my mother was way too busy with her own problems to worry about mine.
And my parents' divorce was difficult, and weed was a great way to dull the pain.
It helped me to suppress feelings that were just too hard to deal with at the time.
Holy shit! I've been repressing all of this stuff.
With weed! Wait! Dave I Like, I didn't believe in any of this, but this is a big breakthrough David! Thank you.
I I And I still have time for my massage! - Thank you.
- Not so fast.
Weed? Come now, Jordan.
That's barely an illegal drug.
I think it's best if we spend the next hour working on this.
Now, when I say the following words, I want you to use one word to describe how you feel.
Trust.
My massage is in five minutes.
One word, please.
My-massage-is-in-five-minutes.
Let's try another.
Looks like this little guy is addicted to being adorable.
Could you shut up? I'm reading.
(bell tolling) (David) Friendship.
15 hands.
Toast.
Massage.
- Community.
- (bell stops tolling) Gone.
(sobbing) And breakthrough.
(sobbing) What? Time for group.
(Paige) So I met this guy recently, and we had a great time together, but I started distancing myself from him because he was too nice.
You know what? I realize now that I do that all of the time.
And I mean, what what does that say about me, you know, that I date these guys because I think that I don't deserve any better than that? Well, you know what? No! No more.
Because I am worth more than that.
Congratulations, Paige.
You have reached a new level of becoming.
(all) Became, becoming, be Paige! - Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
For what? You're just, like, this really nice guy and I think before today, that would have scared me away, but I don't know.
Since being here, I've realized that maybe I'm ready to be with someone who's gonna be nice to me rather than someone who's gonna, I don't know, steal my stereo.
That's such a relief.
I thought that you had been, like, scared off - by my boring addiction for some reason.
- No! So I actually broke into David's office and stole some heroin to impress you.
You're kidding, right? Yeah, totally.
- Um, about the heroin.
- Oh Excuse me.
Can I see you and your friend Jordan in the office for a moment? Uh Uh, yeah, yeah.
Of course, great.
Be right there! - So ladies, - we need to update your credit card information, because we have no card for you on file.
We actually have nothing for you on file, but we do have a record of your stay so far.
So it's $30,000 for the standard rehab fee.
Another $5,000 in spa charges.
$600 for Becoming's swimsuits.
Oh, and $500 for your 15-hand massage that you failed to cancel within the four-hour window.
Oh, is that all? And do you offer an installment plan? We do.
It's one payment, in full.
- Are they following us? - I don't know.
I'm too afraid to turn around.
(Chris) Paige? What's going on? Um, turns out maybe we're not supposed to be here! I'll call you.
(alarm blaring) Wait What the hell are you doing? Okay, we can go.
Hey! I've got heroin! Oooof! Go, go, go, go! Hyah! Here! I got it! Go, go! Oh! Oh, they're dragging Chris off! Oh, he really did steal the heroin.
- What a nice guy! - Paige! - Sorry.
- Hey, Paige.
Oh, hey, Doug.
Uh, I just wanted to come and say thank you.
For what? Look, I know you're not a real patient, but what you said in group the other day about self-esteem, it really resonated with me.
It made me realize that my compulsive lying was just a way to inflate my self-worth and now I feel like I don't have to do that anymore.
Doug I am so proud of you.
Thanks.
Tell them I'm not here.
Oh, I don't do that anymore.
Please! Hey, Doug.
Have you seen Jordan and Paige? Yeah, they're both here, right in the bush.
And they're huge drug dealers, and I bought drugs from them, and I buffed one out in the massage oil.
Aren't you proud of me? Damn it, Doug! I ain't got time for your bullshit.
I'm not bullshitting They're right here in the bush.
Let's check inside.
It's like a foot away, dude.
Just look in the bush, they're right there.
Hey, Paige? Do you really feel like you deserve to date assholes? 'Cause that's kinda crazy.
Well, not anymore.
Didn't you hear about my breakthrough? You don't need anybody to tell you you're okay.
'Cause you're okay.
Oh, thanks.
You ready to go back to our hot, sweaty, disgusting apartment? Yeah.
And guess what I'm gonna turn into a bong! You know, being in that place for two days made me really grateful that we're not addicted to anything.
What? I don't know, something.