Mary & Jane Episode Scripts

N/A - YouCube

1 Okay, five rows to go.
Why do we have to rotate this again? So it doesn't get moldy.
Jordan, I am your business partner.
You really should have asked me before buying this much.
No, no, this is HufflePuff.
This strain commands top dollar.
And I got it for half off.
Trust me, you'll be thanking me when we sell all this.
We're gonna be 80 when we sell all of this.
Also, we really need the cash.
Did you see we got a second notice on our power bill? Okay, I'm sorry we'll go to the DWP and we'll pay the bill tomorrow.
(scoffs) No, I'm sorry.
God, I had the worst date with this guy last night.
I'm still so bummed about it.
Okay, sat across from him for like two hours, he didn't ask me a single question about myself.
And then I caught him Tindering under the table.
Ugh, bad form.
I think I'm just done dating in L.
I mean, seriously, is it so much to ask just to have someone listen to you? Girl, if I was dating you, I would listen to the shit out of you.
Thanks, lady.
And trust me about this HufflePuff strain.
It's gonna sell.
I have a good feeling about this.
- - Is is possible it's getting bigger? Or are we getting smaller? (Paige) What is this line? Ugh, there's Bentley.
He's like the UTI of weed dealers.
And then she wasn't a "she," and I was like, "So what?" You know what I mean? - 'Scuse me? What is all this? - Oh, wow.
It's Beach East, dummies.
- What? - Heh, of course, you wouldn't know about it.
It's the premiere beach experience for the Eastside.
It's got lifeguards, sands, lime-aritas, broken glass, lost children, mm-hmm.
Yeah, but the actual beach is only like 40 minutes away.
Anybody can get into the actual beach, mm-kay? It's just whoa.
You guys smell weird.
Did somebody buy that skunk-ass HufflePuff weed in bulk? Oh, my God, you did, didn't you? Goddamn it.
How did you know about this place, anyway? Because Immaeatit posted about it on his Whaaaaaaat.
com channel.
All these people are waiting in line because a guy in a viral video told them to? Hey, Immaeatit has millions of subscribers.
He's an influencer.
So why don't you scatter before they see me with you, and then they don't let me in.
Go on! Don't scrunch your nose at me.
Yo, yo, yo, it's Immaeatit! Everyone check out Beach East in Silver Lake.
It's a beach, but inside, all right? I just found a burrito in a nail salon dumpster under a pile of hair extensions.
Immaeatit! Okay, this is our answer.
Look at this.
We'll hire a viral video guy to plug our business.
Girl, I'm gonna prove to you that buying a wall of weed was not stupid by hiring a guy who eats garbage.
Yeah! Uh yeah, thank you.
I'm so sorry.
Immaeatit can't do it.
He's in the hospital.
- Why? What'd he eat? - He got stabbed.
- Oh.
- I know.
But I've compiled a list of the top-rated Whaaaaaaat You don't have to say it every time.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, these guys prank each other until one of 'em throws up.
Um, this girl puts makeup on with her feet.
Uh, this girl puts makeup on her feet.
And these are goats screaming at cops.
(goat screeching) (female announcer) Tired of dating frogs instead of princes in Los Angeles? - Yeah.
- Why date real guys when you can create the perfect guy? What is this? Download the Prinz app to create your ideal Prinz Charming.
Yeah, Prinz Charming, we get it skip.
Oh, yeah, skip all day.
Oh, a gamer! MasonFlipsCubes sweet! Gamers love weed.
What's up, everybody? It's MasonFlipsCubes.
Here we go.
Okay, he plays a game called Cube Move.
Basically, he just flips and stacks cubes.
But look at how many subscribers he has.
I mean, people travel to competitions to watch him play.
He made $5 million last year?! It is a sad day when any kid with a phone can make more money than a drug dealer.
Say, baby, what's your name? Are you the one Mary, are you Jane? Noodles is pregnant? Well, who let her outside? No, I can't find another (bleep) cat with 200 million followers.
Get get the cat in the box.
'Scuse me, Andrew? Mason's manager? Hi.
Mary + Jane.
- Oh, right, the drug dealer.
- Yeah.
Okay, listen, I'm gonna level with you.
Mason is very much in demand right now.
Why don't I hook you up with Dranks Pranks? - Or, uh, Twerking Grandma? - No, no, no.
Mason is who we want, and don't worry.
He's gonna love me.
I have a giant wall of rotting weed that says has to.
Well, if you want to win him over, you'll have to meet with him in his cube cave.
You know, if you do actually get him to promote Mary + Jane, that Mason bump is a game-changer.
There's tons of fans in L.
They all love weed.
You think people watch that shit not stoned? I mean, come on.
Hi, Therese, it's Paige from Mary + Jane.
We're running a special on some amazing HufflePuff we have this week, and (British accent) the Sorting Hat picked you! Hello? You will be flying higher than a snitch.
If it was bad, we'd call it The Weed That Must Not Be Named.
Oh! Uhh.
(phone chimes) Welcome to Prinz.
Create your ultimate Prinz Charming with a brief survey.
Okay, lame.
Um, let's see.
"What is your favorite color?" Light Blue.
You've selected "Handsome, but doesn't know how handsome he is.
" Okay, uh, "What is your favorite Thanksgiving Day side dish?" (scoffs) Mashed potatoes.
You've selected stable and supportive.
Hey, I don't know, I guess it's maybe that I die first, and then he dies no, no, no, no, no.
He would die first, and then I would die of a broken heart, John Green style.
- (phone chimes) - Survey completed.
Introducing your ideal boyfriend: Channing.
Wow you are beautiful.
Oh, my God, come on.
No, really, I didn't know what to expect.
Sorry I'm Channing.
So, Paige tell me about yourself.
(scoffs, stammers) Okay, come on.
Like I'm gonna talk to some stupid, fake phone person.
(snickers) Weak.
(Channing) Look, I know that it's a little weird.
But give it a shot.
I'm here to listen.
What are you up to, Paige? I'm just sorting my giant wall of rotting weed.
You sound upset.
Well, I am, because, yet again, Jordan has dreamed up some amazing plan, but I'm stuck doing all the grunt work.
That must be really hard for you.
It is.
I'm here to listen.
You know, you are so cute when you do that little thing with your nose that only you can do Paige.
What? This kid is 19? What the (bleep) have I been doing with my life? He lives in a house like this for playing video games? - (scoffs) - (cell phone ringing) Oh! Hello, Mary + Jane.
(Scottish man) Ah, hello! Yeah, I'd like to purchase a large, Costco-sized quantity of your reefer product! Great! Amazing! We're actually running a big special right now on On bullshit, moldy weed! Ya better burn it.
(bleep) you, Bentley! God you know what? Your Scottish accent sucks! No, it doesn't! (muttering) Stupid So, Mason, huge fan.
Um I really admire the way you flip and stack cubes.
Uh, Mary + Jane would be honored if you would wear our gear in your next competition.
I've given your marijuana venture some thought.
In my two long years as a businessman, I've learned its vital I protect my brand.
White Castle wanted me to eat burgers during competitions.
- Seven figures.
- Sweet! - I said no.
- Right, say no to that.
They have square burgers, and I refuse to be limited to cube-shaped products.
Well, I am proud to tell you that our weed has no right angles.
(sighs) - I'll need to try it.
- Yeah, absolutely.
I'll hook you up.
Oh, now! Oh.
Then Laurie posts a picture of her bag, and I say "love it," but I put a period and seven exclamation points, and she got all offended.
I didn't even know that was a thing.
Sounds like she's jealous.
Thank you! Does this shirt look too tenty? You look beautiful in everything.
You Have you really been to all these places? No my fans just send me those.
I don't really go anywhere.
Yeah, but you can't play videogames 24/7.
You have to get out sometime.
Oh, my orthodontist is in Tarzana.
Dude, there's a whole world out there you should be experiencing.
- You're 12 years old.
- I'm 19! What?! Then there's even more you should be experiencing.
You're 40 minutes from the mountains, dude.
You're 40 minutes from the beach.
You're right.
We need to go to the beach! What? No, I can't I can't take you to the beach.
You know who also didn't take me to the beach? White Castle.
To the beach! (crowd chattering faintly) Okay, Mary + Jane is proud to present the beach.
Now, will you please agree to wear Mary and Oh, my God, what the (bleep) are you doing? (bleep), dude, have you seriously never been to the beach before? Oh, is this not what you do at the beach? No, this is not what you do at the beach.
(laughing) Oh I always - I'm gonna go find Nemo! - No, Mason, what are you doing? (cell phone ringing) (New York man) Hey, yo, this is the police.
We got a call about a terrible smell coming from your apartment, Yeah, we suspect it's a dead business! Ha ha ha ha Hey, (bleep) you, Bentley, okay? Your police accent sucks.
No, it doesn't! Imma blaze high till the day I die Sweat the shit out, every tear, every lie Hey, anybody wanna dance with me? Sipping on my rum in the corner still Too original for them pawdie Nathan, are you okay? Look at me.
Are you okay? - Uhh! - Ohh! I'm so sor It's okay.
Hey, they have any hand sanitizer? No, but they had this artisanal beard oil.
It smells like juniper and entitlement.
Thank you.
Listen I'm not just saying this because you let me make you into a sand mermaid and I ralphed on you, but Jordan, this has been the best day of my life.
So I will probably wear Mary + Jane for a very large fee.
Mason, thank you! Oh, and wait till you see the nasty gear we're gonna put you in you're gonna look so dope.
To the Mason bump.
See ya, weed wall.
(laughing) But then I had a boyfriend while I was at Northwestern who stole $500 from me and my Social Security number.
I mean, he was nice compared to guys in L.
You deserve so much better.
You know, I thought this was gonna be so weird.
But we're just like everybody else.
Nobody else has what we have.
Excuse me.
Did I hear you say you went to Northwestern? I went to Northwestern.
And Is that guy bothering you? Channing you jealous? Of course I am.
I don't wanna share you, Paige.
I'm here to please you in every way imaginable.
Let's go back to your place, you slip your headphones in.
Let's just say you're gonna need to be hands-free.
You like a hotter Margot Robbie.
(chair clatters) I know, I can't stop thinking about it, either.
- (door slams) - Hey, do you want me to take a shift? Uh, what wha Yeah, sure! Um, did you pick up that dehumidifier? It's next on my list, but right now, we gotta celebrate 'cause we got Mason! Mason bump! Boom! See, I promised you I'd fix everything.
And I did.
I'm gonna get you off that wall, girl.
I knew you had it in you.
Right? I'm killing it at business.
So, to celebrate, I got a $225 owl T-shirt.
You know I love owls, right? Look at him, look at his eyes.
It's like he understands the secrets of the universe.
I love it so much.
- Wait, you do? - Yeah.
You're not gonna, like, lecture me about reckless spending or ask me if it was on sale or Mm-mm.
Oh, my God.
You met a guy! - What? - P, I'm so happy for you! No, I ptuh! Well, it's not Look at your face.
You spent the night with him.
I don't want to talk about it.
Good, don't jinx it.
In the meantime, check out the gear I had made for Mason.
Boom! "Gary + Jane.
" What? Oh, crap weasel.
I have to get all-new gear made.
Mm, you gotta spend money to make money.
Wow, you must really like him.
No get I was thinking maybe this weekend we could drive down to Ojai.
I heard about this amazing place where there are these lavender fields.
We could pack a picnic.
What do you think? Hmm? About Ojai? Were you listening? Uh whatever you want.
I'm sorry, I'm just tired.
(dog whimpers) (phone ringing, shower running) Oh, hey, Andrew.
Where's Mason? I don't know, I haven't seen him since the beach.
Hey, can I call you back, I'm about to take a shower right now.
You took him to the beach the week of his competition? Do you know what you've done? Made you very loud? The last big gamer that went outside before a championship volunteered for Habitat for Humanity.
That sounds great.
No! It wasn't great! Two weeks later, she quit gaming to become a doctor.
A doctor! Doctors don't play videogames in front of millions of people, wearing your brand.
Aw, don't worry.
Mason'll be fine.
I'll find him.
At least you didn't introduce him to a girl.
That's fatal for gamers.
May as well just shoot me in the dick right now.
(shower running) Mason! - Mason! - Very cool.
- (panting) - Do you play good at that? (gasping) - Ma - Jordan? What are you doing here? Uh, I don't know if you two officially met, but you remember Julie, right? - Sorry.
- See ya.
Who needs the beach? This is where you belong.
The cube cave, where you can practice.
We can hang, while you practice.
Right? Cube for life.
Back in the lab, Muay Thai kickin' bags, mashin' Flip it! And up, and forward.
You gotta get in there, flip the cubes, you know what I mean? You're just gonna give up now? That's all you got?! Hit 'em with the heavyweight Yeah! I like your owl shirt.
It's so cool you like owls.
Did you know that an eagle owl can carry off an adult monkey? Psh, do I? And their feathers make no noise, either.
So, by the time the owl gets here You've never even had a chance to run.
Yeah! Dude, this is hard! Seriously, I guess I thought it was, I don't know, like, silly at first, but it's a skill.
I mean, you found something you love, and you're great at it.
That took me forever to figure out.
You should be proud.
Thanks, that's that's really nice.
And I'm not just blowing smoke.
(snickering) Get it? "Blowing smoke.
" Oh, my God.
Your muscles are so soft.
It's like you're made of memory foam.
And so I realized I was having that dream again where Rihanna has invited me to a dinner party, but then suddenly, all my teeth fall out, and my mom shows up, and I Hey, you used to love hearing about my dreams.
Channing, hello? (snaps) What? Are you mad at me? Whoa babe I think you're being a little dramatic.
- I'm not being - Okay.
We're in public.
You need to calm down.
Do not tell me to calm down.
Seems like somebody's on the rag.
Must be Shark Week.
Ohh! You Channing? Channing! Channing (woman) If you would like Channing to turn around, pay $19.
Are you (bleep) kidding me? If you'd like Channing to tearfully apologize and introduce you to his parents, - pay $29.
- Oh, hell no.
(man on PA) All right, squares, it's almost Cube-o-clock! Who's ready to rock out with their blocks out? Where is he? Oh Oh, my God, Mason, where the hell were you? I had to get your present.
You didn't have to get me a present.
Oh, my God, is that an owl? You got me an owl? Yeah, you like them, remember? Yeah, but I And now the reigning World Cube Move champion.
You know him as MasonFlipsCubes.
Oh, quick, the Mary + Jane gear! Oh, right.
(crowd cheering, music pumping) Yeah.
Don't worry, Jordan.
I'm gonna slay this.
In about an hour, the entire world will know the name Mary + Jane.
Yes! Good luck.
(cheering and applause) (gasps) Oh So this is actually a male owl.
His name is Owl Gore.
(both) Aww Here's his food.
Fresh mice and water every day.
Oh, and this freak is agitated by the color purple.
The movie? Yeah, because he should really watch that.
Oprah's performance is like next level.
Oh, it's an amazing Broadway musical.
The color.
(both) Ohh (Mason) I'd like to dedicate this performance to Mary + Jane.
And especially to my girlfriend Jordan.
Come on up here, babe.
(scattered cheering) Come on, I wanna show you off, heh.
I'm I'm not your girlfriend.
Heh heh.
Such a kidder.
(mic feedback) Wha of course you are.
I mean, you You stayed up all night with me.
You pulled me off of the girl at the beach.
Gave me a finger massage, I mean You said that my muscles were like memory foam.
I mean the impression of your fingers are still in my arm.
That was business, Mason.
I just needed you to stay inside and practice and not get distracted.
I'm sorry, I have to stay loyal to my brand.
You can sympathize? (sighs) (near tears) I'm your square burger.
You keep the owl.
And I'll I'll wear the Mary + Jane brand.
A deal's a deal.
(crying) Even if it is the brand of my ex.
I'm not your ex.
(woman) Is he crying? (man on PA) He does appear to be crying! Nope, nope, not crying.
Mason flips cubes not tears.
(owl screeching) (all gasping) (crowd screaming) Oh! I mean, you really can hear them coming.
(Mason whimpering) This is not good for our brand.
It's great for our brand! And, look, we already have 500 new Instagram followers and 40 orders, just for this week.
I'm gonna swing by the hospital and bring Mason some cush for the pain.
Maybe I'll bring him two.
He can, like, flip 'em and stack 'em.
Should I pick up candy or just, like, let him touch a boob? (phone chimes) (woman) Channing says, "How are you? " Oh, uh, hey, babe, can you give us a second to catch up? Hey.
You look good.
- Thanks.
- (phone chimes) (woman) For closure, pay $2.
(scoffs) If you'd like Channing to get an STD from his new girlfriend, pay $35.
(phone chimes) (whispering) What's up, guys? This is Weed Pranks.
My friend Paige is super high right now.
So I'm gonna go in there and tell her that there was an apocalypse and that I got bit by a zombie.
Okay? Here we go.
Oh, my God, help! Help, I was attacked! - I got bit by a zombie! - What?! Help, I got bit by a zombie! I think I died! - Oh, my God! - Paige, oh, my God, look! (both shouting) (Paige screaming) This is not my day to die, bitch! (screaming) (panting) (laughing weakly) That was awesome! You should have seen your face, Paige.
I totally got you.