M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e09 Episode Script

[ People Chattering .]
[ Bomb Exploding .]
[ Pierce .]
#In some secluded rendezvous # That overlooks the avenue - Clamp.
- Clamp.
With someone sharing a delightful Chat of this and that And cocktails for two - Hawkeye, shut up, will you? - Yeah, shut up.
Thank you, music lovers.
- Rib cutter.
- Rib cutter.
- How's it going? - We're ahead on points.
- Suture.
- Suture.
The Lord helps in one way or another.
That's cat gut.
The wound was infected.
I assumed you didn't want silk.
Lieutenant, you're not here to assume.
Settle down, Frank.
Forget it.
Carry on.
Yes, sir, I'm- I'm working.
Working? He could be arrested for loitering in front of an operating table.
- Did you hear that, Colonel? - Pipe down, Pierce.
Hello, you beautiful day.
- Whoo.
Hoo-hoo.
- Sometimes you gotta throw back some of the young ones.
Man! How 'bout a rubdown? - Where did you find her? - Right there.
- You boys look a little tired.
- Here's our gallant leader.
- Henry was terrific in there.
- Wasn't he good? - Well, I must tell you guys that was some fancy cutting in there.
- Thank you, Henry.
Colonel! - Yes, Frank? - I intend to file insubordination charges against Ginger Bayliss.
Insubordination on account of a suture? You're kidding, Doctor? And I use the term because it always gets a laugh.
- Sir? - Not now, Radar.
You just keep pushing around the medical staff, you see what happens.
- Are you threatening a superior officer? - Now, hold it! -Frank, I'll be in my office in an hour.
-Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
-[ Radar .]
Uh, sir.
- Now I'll talk Frank out of it, but you lay off him, all of you.
He's a good surgeon and we need him.
Pierce, one day he's gonna throw the book at you - and I won't be there to help.
- I have a message from General Hammond.
Radar, don't interrupt, unless it's a message from General Hammond.
Yes, sir.
- Are we surrendering? - Hey, listen to this.
"The 4077 th has now achieved a 90% efficiency rating.
"The best record of any medical unit operating in Korea.
Congratulations on a fine performance.
Gen.
Hammond.
" - How do you like them apples? - You have another hit on your hands.
They'll be dancing in the street.
[ Gen.
Hammond .]
A record unmatched by any other medical unit in Korea.
And in recognition of this splendid achievement, it is now my personal pride to award to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake the Special Citation of Merit, Fourth Class.
May I have the envelope, please? Hey, look at Henry.
He looks like he's gonna have a baby.
Thank you, General.
Thank you.
Um, well, this comes as a complete surprise to me.
I- I don't know what to say.
I haven't prepared an acceptance speech.
No man wins an award like this on his own.
You people, you great doctors and you swell gals who made this possible are just too numerous to mention.
But I'm mighty grateful to all of you, right down to my right hand, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
Who, incidentally, is in command of this unit and just uses me as a front.
[ Chuckling .]
Standing here today proud as punch, I, uh- I think back to the time when I first considered a career in medicine back in Bloomington, Illinois.
Our family doctor, a nice old codger who drove a touring car that had the Isinglass curtains.
Uh, he said to me, - Excuse me, Colonel.
- " Excuse me, Colonel.
" - I have one more announcement.
- I'm sorry.
There's a service charge on the award.
Colonel Blake's experience is needed elsewhere for administrative and training duties.
Now he's being assigned to Tokyo Medical Headquarters, effective immediately.
[ Bomb Exploding .]
Well, fine.
Then I'll keep in touch with you on that.
- And I know you have to go right over to O.
R.
- Yeah.
- Guys.
- Henry, bon voyage.
Well, thank you.
[ Clears Throat .]
Uh, normally I'd soak this in a pail of water, - but this being my last day.
- Actually, it's a prescription for your health.
Have it filled in Tokyo.
- Yeah, I'll do that.
- We're gonna miss you, Chief.
Your fighting spirit, your little moods.
- Your cheerful smile.
- Your loyalty.
- Oh, fiddle faddle.
- Your gift for language.
Yeah, well, uh- The, uh, truth of the matter is that, uh, I'll miss you delinquents too.
Uh, you're the two finest cutters I've ever been associated with.
Well, uh, Henry, I, uh- I guess this is it.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what to say.
- Try, "Thanks for the memories.
" - Yeah.
- Colonel, I- - Whoa, whoa.
Allow me, Major.
Don't wanna hurt those magic fingers.
What is this? "Army Manual.
Thoughts Before the Battle.
A 1001 Jokes for the Offiicer's Mess.
" He's got everything here but Clausewitz on Hernia.
- Give me back my books! - Sorry.
Your books? Hey, where's he goin'? -He's taking his things into your house.
-Yeah, well, uh, that's Frank's quarters now.
- Frank's quarters? Him? - He's our new boss? Well, he's next in command, you see? Almost forgot your equipment, sir.
- Oh, thank you, Radar.
Is that it? - Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Well, I'll be moving along then.
Now, I know you guys are gonna be very happy.
Now look.
You're all surgeons and this is gonna work out fine.
Now why don't you go over and make Frank feel at home? Uh, sir, it's been a privilege serving under you.
I hope we see each other real soon.
Yes, Radar, well I- I was, um- Uh- Well, gee.
Crazy monkey.
Move out.
Let's get out of here.
[ Clears Throat .]
[ Both Clearing Throats .]
Sir, here's the three copies of the mess requistion forms you wanted for next week, and also six copies of the supply room application forms.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, put them on the desk, corporal.
- Yes, sir.
- Good night, sir.
- O'Reilly.
Where are you going? We have work to do.
- Sir, it's 2:00 in the morning.
- You're not going to bed until this office is 100% shipshape.
Aye, aye, sir.
I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Col.
Blake is going to stop.
Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.
- Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service? - Don't be snotty.
- Bring me the- - Fitness reports.
Not the fitness reports.
You can't anticipate what I'm thinking.
- I'm not Henry Blake.
- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
- I want the efficiency reports.
- Efficiency reports.
Here's tomorrow's routine.
See that it's posted.
- They're not gonna like this.
- I didn't come here to be liked.
You certainly came to the right place.
[ Bugle: "Reveille".]
[ Grunts .]
[ Continues .]
I could swear I heard a bugle.
It is a bugle.
Hey, I think we're in the army.
" Reveille" has blown, sirs! All right, let's look alive- Everybody! Hup, ho.
Hup, ho.
Hup, ho.
Altogether.
Hup, ho.
-[ Pierce, Mclntyre Chattering .]
- Hawkeye.
Hawkeye.
It's an emergency.
Major Burns is making a surprise inspection.
- An inspection? - Yeah.
- What's "inspection"? - That, gentlemen, is something they do in the army.
- What's that got to do with us? - Yeah! He's coming with an aide and an M.
P.
Well, we're ready.
- If he wants to inspect a garbage dump, that's up to him.
- Yeah.
Ten-hut! Good morning, gentlemen.
At ease.
The condition of this tent is a disgrace.
- Yeah, well, it does have that lived-in look.
- Mm-hmm.
Actually, it's modeled on the Chicago sewer system.
We saw it in a magazine.
And look at all of you- unshaven, out of uniform.
Yes, but with a song in our hearts.
Sergeant, put these men on report- beds unmade, personal effects in disorder, furnishings in nonregulation condition.
Here, here! While I'm commanding officer, you're not going to operate a distillery on this base.
- Sergeant, get that still outta here! - Hold it! Nobody takes our gin machine.
- Take it out.
That's an order! - You watch it, buddy.
This thing might go off.
He's got the drop on us, Tex.
We can't do a thing.
Now maybe you'll realize who's running this outfit.
You straighten up and fly right, or I promise you there'll be hell to pay.
[ Clears Throat .]
He actually took our still.
He's not a nice person.
Gentlemen, that man has got to go.
It's either him or us.
- And that's final.
- How we gonna do it? Shoot him? - Stab him.
- Poison him.
No, no.
We gotta think this over.
We have to give it careful, considerate, intelligent thought.
- Okay.
- Then we'll shoot him, stab him or poison him.
It's very simple.
We just have to figure out the destruction of one of our colleagues, Major Frank Burns, U.
S.
Army surgeon and rat.
- Yeah.
- Any ideas? [ Mclntyre .]
We could get hold of some orders, forge the general's signature and send him back to the States.
- No, that's no good.
They'd send him right back.
- It'd work for a while.
How you feel about offin' him? Let's try to avoid the more obvious cliches.
I think we need something basic.
Why don't we push him in front of a chopper with the blades goin'? - That's basic.
- We haven't had a good decapitation in a long time.
Crude.
Very crude, but I like it.
It's interesting.
Let's table the beheading for the time being.
What else do you got? - Look.
- What? Tell him he's got a hot appendix, get him on the table.
- Yeah? - I'll give him anesthesia.
And, uh, that's it.
- That's it? - You're not a very creative person, UglyJohn.
- Never claimed to be.
- I have a question.
- What? Radar's got a question.
- After we get rid of Major Burns, then what? That's an important point, you know that? Yeah.
They could send out a surgeon who's even more gung-ho than Frank.
[Jones .]
Might be he won't even be a surgeon.
Could be some dermatologist with pull in the War Department.
- So what's the answer? - I don't know.
What is the answer? - You know what the answer is? Henry.
- [ All .]
Henry! -When were all of us really happy here? -When the nurses were new.
We were happy when Henry was in command.
He understood us, we understood him.
- He was one of us.
- You'd insult a man behind his back? We had a mature, grown-up relationship.
We had him by the throat.
So why would Henry let himself be transferred back here? - Ego.
- Ego? Ego.
The basic desire we all have to be needed.
Look.
I got an idea, but I'll need a couple of passes to Tokyo.
Okay, let's see what we got.
- " Hardship leave: sister pregnant.
" - Don't see those anymore.
- "Transfer to Germany.
" - You got a bacon, lettuce, tomato on rye, hold the mayo? Very funny.
Two passes to Tokyo.
Should have looked under "T" in the first place.
Gentlemen, with these I promise you peace in our time.
[ Henry .]
Fantastic.
Cho-Cho, you are one of the great soap artists.
Thank you, Colonel san.
You people really have some fun-type customs.
Mind if we swim through? - I thought you guys had drowned.
- No,just resting on the bottom.
Yeah, that's what we're all doing- resting on the bottom.
- There's that fabulous sense of humor again.
- Henry, we really missed it.
Yeah.
Hey, how are things going back at the ranch? - Well, kind of slow right now.
- That's why we forged a couple of passes.
You know, Frank's signature is almost as easy to copy as yours? Well, you certainly seem to be suffering here, Henry.
I give my three lectures a week, and then my time's my own.
And I don't exactly sit around my room playing the kazoo.
Pleasures of the flesh, Henry.
And after all, Henry,you deserve all this.
You built a great surgical unit.
No matter what Frank Burns is doing to it.
Who cares if morale is down to zero and that everybody's beginning to hate each other? Who cares about the 90% efficiency rating, now down to 32? Well, that's war.
Oh, by George, that feels good.
I tell you, this little lady's got golden feet.
Honey, hit that scapula real hard, will you? I've got some calcium deposits back there.
- Yeah.
[ Sighs .]
- Will you stop groaning a minute and listen? I have been listening, and you still don't make sense.
I'm not going back to that rat hole.
What about the people you left back in that rat hole, huh? Yeah, your friends, the people who love you.
Oh, come on, man.
All the time I was up there, I slept with a loaded gun under my pillow.
I'd have been safer in North Korea.
Henry, have you ever given one single thought to Leslie? Oh! Honey, take it easy on the pelvic girdle.
I've only got one of those, you know.
You know, since you're gone, Leslie is a basket case.
Okay, she'll get over it.
I'll tell you what.
- I'll send her an Obi coat or one of those hand-painted fans.
-[ Mclntyre .]
Come on, Henry.
- You're trying to buy your way out of that relationship? - Yeah.
Okay, I'll send her a " DearJane" letter, all right, but I stay here.
If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake Baked a cake Baked a cake If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake How do you do, How do you do How do you do Had you dropped me a letter I'd have hired a band Mama San, these kids have real talent.
They're terrific.
- How about another blast of that sake? - Okay.
Now I don't know where you came from 'Cause I don't know where you've been But it really doesn't matter Grab a chair and fill your platter And dig, dig, dig right in - Henry, how can we change your mind? - You can't.
Now look, we came here to have a good time, so let's have it.
That's an order.
-[ Phone Ringing .]
- Try the octopus.
It's terrific.
I'll think I'll just stick with the seaweed sandwich.
Okay.
You speak.
Me speak.
"You speak"? I'll get it.
Let me have that, Mama.
Hello there.
Colonel Blake speaking.
- Leslie! - Right on time.
- How are you? - I'm okay.
Except for missing a certain lieutenant colonel who shall be nameless.
- And you? - Oh, fine, fine.
Uh, working very hard, of course.
Um, Henry, is Hawkeye with you? He said he might be.
- Yeah, sure.
Pierce.
- Hmm? - Leslie.
- For me? - Yeah.
- Must be trouble.
- Yeah, what's happening? - Hi.
Just a minute.
Hi.
This is the call you wanted, right, where I got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel? - Oh, yeah? - I hope I don't have to come up with any fake symptoms.
- I got a weak stomach.
- The white count's up? We had S.
O.
S.
again for lunch.
- Yeah, you can't hold food down.
- You just missed the 4:00 barf.
Look, tell Spearchucker to get some blood chemistries and start him on I.
V.
's.
We'll be right there.
Okay.
Get your shoes on.
We gotta go back.
- Got a tough case, Henry.
Diagnostic problem.
- Uh-huh.
Abdominal pain, elevated white count.
I can't nail it down.
- His white count's up? - Yeah, it's bad.
That's all right.
Radar's strong.
- You dummy.
Can't you keep your mouth shut? - Radar? - Sorry, Hawk.
- Yeah, you're sorry now.
Wait a minute.
You talking about Radar? I didn't wanna tell you.
I know how much he means to you.
You didn't wanna tell me what? Well, about a week ago he developed symptoms- abdominal cramps, chills, high fever.
Listen, Henry, if it goes bad, could you write the letter? You're about his only real friend in Korea.
You know, nothin' elaborate, keep it simple.
He comes from those kind of people.
- We'll give you a report as soon as we know something.
- Wait a minute! You think I'm gonna sit around in a place like this and wait for that kid to cash in? I was the best diagnostician in Bloomington.
We're gettin' out of here.
One of you call the airport.
Reserve a chopper.
Use my name.
Priority one.
I'll get my shoes.
Let's move! Okay, we go P.
X.
now, big boy? - Maybe later, Mama.
Sayonara.
-[ Gong Sounds .]
- The chopper's just landed.
- I know.
- Come on.
Lay down.
- Okay, okay.
You know what to do.
- You got to lay it on him now.
- Okay.
Lay down.
How's he doing? Hi, fella.
Is that you, Mom? It's your colonel, son.
Just relax.
Where do you hurt? My gut.
- Well, let's have a look.
- [ Moaning .]
- Gonna get you well, Radar.
That hurt? - [ Groans .]
- That? - [ Groans .]
- [ Groans .]
- Whatever he's got, it's spreading.
Colonel Blake, I just heard you were here, sir, and I- - What's that man doing in bed? - He's sick.
Sick? I saw him eat a quart of ice cream at lunch.
- I was so sick I didn't know what I was doing.
- That's okay, son.
- [ Groans .]
- He's got to be goldbricking.
We've had a lot of that lately.
Now out of bed, back to the office and finish filling out those reports! - Man's inhumanity to man again.
- Frank, I'm examining this patient.
Sorry, Henry.
Not until you sign a Transient Medic Form.
- Do me a favor.
Stuff it.
- I'll need your initials on a Visiting Physician.
Stuff that too.
Okay, prep this man for O.
R.
- [ All .]
What? - I'm gonna do an exploratory on him.
- Operate on him? - "Operate on him"? Henry, listen.
Let's do some studies- enzymes, abdominal X-rays, the works.
- Find out where we're going.
- I agree with Frank.
- I think we should test him.
- For a week or so, maybe longer.
This kid's got severe abdominal pain with rigidity.
It could be a perforated ulcer.
I'm going in.
Who wants to assist? - I think you better slow down.
- I'll know the story five minutes after I open him up.
- He's gonna open me.
- You'll be fine, son.
- Now let's get on the stick.
- Look, Henry- I'm in command here, and nobody does an exploratory without my okay.
I'll explore anybody I want to.
You back off.
This happens to be my responsibility.
Stay out of my way, Frank, or I'll have you busted down to male nurse.
- Come on, fellas.
Be nice.
- This is my outfit.
I make the decisions.
Your outfit? I built this outfit with my own hands.
When we first came over that hill, we didn't even have a bedpan.
There's not going to be any operation.
If you don't like it you can call Gen.
Hammond.
- I might just do that.
- Want me to get Gen.
Hammond for you, sir? Yeah, do that! See if UglyJohn's available.
If he isn't, pull him away from whatever he's doing and- Oh.
The pain.
Look at that.
He was goldbricking.
I told you so.
- Radar, are you sick? - Well, I feel a lot better than I did.
- Now I don't feel so good.
- Let's get some air.
Hold it! Nobody move! Now what is going on here? Pierce, Mclntyre,Jones, somebody talk to me.
Okay.
Attila the Hun was pushing us around playing soldiers.
So we tried to get you back in the front office.
By making Radar fake an illness? Well, it was intended to make you feel needed.
It's all very psychiatric.
The word is "crazy.
" I'll get the M.
P.
's.
Then you can try being psychiatric in the stockade.
Fine.
Then after we're gone, you can roller-skate from table to table and do all the surgery.
- He's right.
Put the phone down.
- As commanding officer, I- Correction.
You were the commanding officer.
I'm taking over as of now.
- Hey! Welcome back, Henry.
- Henry! I'll fix it with Gen.
Hammond.
- This is outrageous! - Frank.
If I were you, I'd quit the army.
- Welcome home, Henry.
- What am I gonna do for massages around here? - I'll be glad to walk all over you.
- I'm sure you will.
[ Pierce .]
Okay.
Dealer has 20.
I'll pay 21.
[ Men Chattering .]
- Pull up a chair, Henry.
- Ten-hut! "Ten-hut" from Henry? - You better knock it off, Hawkeye.
- Never heard him say that before.
You better get used to it.
I'm back in command now.
And you tow the line, all of you.
And no more horsing around.
Understood? - [ All .]
Yes, sir.
- Good.
Good.
Now you know where you stand.
Any questions? - Yes, sir.
- What is it, man? Speak up.
Can I buy you a drink, big boy san? Look, I just got through- Well, maybe a little one.