M*A*S*H Episode Scripts

K408 - The Trial of Henry Blake

["Happy Days Are Here Again" Playing Over P.
A.
] We're late.
Use the officers'.
Thirteen, fifteen.
Let's go.
- Relax.
You don't have a chance.
- I'll beat your brains out.
Ahh! - Hey, Henry.
Where you going? - Yo.
Down to Regimental Headquarters.
- Bring back some fresh nurses.
- Make sure they're lean.
- Be good, now.
- So long, sirs.
Don't forget to tip the driver.
Aah! - Are those gurney tables? - Right.
And those are surgical masks.
You're playing Ping-Pong! I told you it was Ping-Pong.
- Absolutely right, Frank.
Dismissed.
- Dismissed? Listen, with Blake gone, I'm in command of this outfit.
Oh, in that case, dismissed, sir.
We'll see how funny you good-time Charlies are when Frank Burns is number one around here, permanently.
Just what is that supposed to mean? That's for me to know and for you to find out.
Frank, you're begging for a deviated septum.
You'll find out.
[Man's Voice] This hearing is to determine your fitness to command.
A serious charge has been filed against you by Majors Burns and Houlihan.
We'll begin with the lesser charges against Lieutenant Colonel Blake, Major Murphy.
- [Murphy] Yes, General.
Colonel Blake? - Yes, sir? - I'm sorry, sir.
Excuse me.
- My fault.
It was my fault.
I should have been more careful.
Can we get on with this? Colonel Blake, it is alleged that on or about Kentucky Derby Day, there were gurney races held at your unit and that betting took place.
- Is this true? - Exactly what is a gurney? Um, well, General, it's a rolling table that we use to transport patients to and from the various places that we have to take them to and from from.
- "To and from from"? - Yes, sir.
[Radar] Okay, Gal O' War! Gal O' War! Gal O' War! [Radar] Okay, Gal O' War! Gal O' War! Gal O' War! Make your bets and put on a good race.
Last chance.
Place your best, folks.
Don't miss your chance.
Well, I see y'all have got the second post position again, Culpepper.
Sir, this position has been handed down from Culpepper to Culpepper.
That's a fine-lookin' filly you have there, sir.
She also has been handed down from Culpepper to Culpepper.
Y'all, uh, this is your colonel.
Only one minute to post time.
All right.
Come on.
This is your last chance before the big race to make your bets.
Come on, soldier.
Hey, Klinger, wanna make a bet on the race? I'm busy.
Radar, I'm finally getting out.
Wait'll you see what I'm making out of this red satin.
- I like you in anything.
- [Bugle: "Call To Post"] All right.
Come on.
Make your bets.
All right, folks, the gurneys are ready.
They're at the post.
[Man] Let's go! [Gunshot] [Henry] And there they go! As we round the clubhouse turn, it's Hawk's Pride, with Gal O' War, Girl Away and Bouncing Betty! And in the lead, it's Hawk's Pride, and Gal O' War, Girl Away and Bouncing Betty.
- Decadent.
- Gurney races.
- With girls on top of them.
- Pushing them around.
Doctors pushing nurses.
- Frank.
- Me too.
Where can we go? Out back of the lard cans.
And Bouncing Betty Bouncing Betty is starting to make a move on the outside.
Girl Away.
It's Hawk's Pride and Gal O' War.
Gal O' War And a real battle for third between Girl Away and Bouncing Betty.
Bouncing Betty starting to drop behind.
Hawk's Pride widening the lead, with Gal O' War, Girl Away.
Bouncing Betty starts to make her move.
Hawk's Pride's coming up fast on the inside.
Gal O' War is taking the outside.
And it's Girl Away.
Bouncing Betty is really bouncing along, with Girl Away, Gal O' War, and Hawk's Pride in the lead.
Hawk's Pride is coming, and it's neck and neck between Hawk's Pride And the winner is Gal O' War by a by a by, uh The winner is Gal O' War.
[Woman Screaming] So you not only condoned the activity, you participated in it.
Well, uh, we work hard, Major.
We need some relaxation.
Even if it violates every rule in the book.
General, just prior to our Kentucky Derby Day, our operating room, we handled over, uh uh I've got the casualty figures here somewhere, sir.
- Uh, Radar, do you - Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault again.
Proceed, Major! Charge two states one of your enlisted men engaged in the, uh, business of selling Hi-Style wing-tip shoes from the Style Right Shoe Company of Storm Lake, Iowa.
- The Style Right what? - Shoe Company.
Style Right Shoe Company.
I read it on the back of a matchbook.
It said that you could earn extra money in your spare time selling Hi-Style wing-tip shoes.
How did this work? Well, you just filled in your name and address and stuff, and they sent you a demo shoe, a measuring thing and, uh, an order blank.
But you're a corporal in the United States Army.
Well, that's not my fault, sir.
- Hey, Klinger, wait up! - I'm busy.
Good morning, sir.
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I represent the Style Right Shoe Company of Storm Lake, Iowa.
Could I interest you in a pair of really nifty black-and-white wing-tip shoes for only 8.
95? No, but I could use a pair of black-and-white pumps with a rhinestone buckle at any price.
[Knocking] Anybody home? No.
Good morning, sir.
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I represent the Style Right Shoe Company of Storm Lake, Iowa.
Please come in, Mr.
O'Reilly.
Thank you.
I would like to interest you in a pair of our Hi-Style wing-tip shoes for only 8.
95.
- Do I sit down? - Well, I think you almost have to.
Oh.
Uh, nice place you have here.
Well, it's cruddy, but it's home.
Have you been doing this long? No, actually, uh, this is my first day.
Oh, I think you'll do well.
You found my foot without any trouble at all.
Oh, and if I may say so, sir, it is a very handsome foot.
Thanks.
I like it.
Uh, well, as you can see, this is an all-leather shoe, with a built-in arch support to give you hours of comfort and good looks.
- I can see that, yes.
- Well, sir, as our company slogan says Oh, yeah.
"If your shoes aren't becoming to you, then you should be coming to us.
" Actually, Mr.
O'Reilly, I already have a pair of black-and-white shoes.
Excuse me, sir, but you don't have Style Right black-and-white shoes.
Uh, that's true, yeah.
But l l I really don't I can't afford to You can't afford not to give your feet the best home they ever had.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, no, I'd I'm sorry.
I really I'm not But I'm just I'm Yeah.
Uh-huh.
[Murphy's Voice] Did you participate in this business venture, Colonel Blake? Of course not.
I can't wear wing-tip shoes.
I have an extremely high arch.
- They've got arch supports.
- Well, they weren't high enough.
I have to have extra-high supports.
They could have put those in.
You just didn't wanna spend the extra dollar ninety-five.
- That's not true.
- It is too.
- Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Charge three states you have a noncom who is a transvestite.
Well, I don't pry into a man's religion, sir.
A transvestite wears dresses, Colonel.
- Oh, Klinger.
- Yes.
Well, you see, Klinger is not your typical recruiting poster type.
It might be of some comfort to you to know that he spends most of his time trying to get out of the army.
I must say he's very inventive about it.
For, uh, several weeks, Klinger was keeping pretty much to himself.
Uh, he seemed, uh, preoccupied and didn't spend much time around camp during his off hours.
- Did you see that? - What? - A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Oh, really? - Hey, Hawk, did you see that? - What did you see? A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- See? - Where were we? [Murphy] So you confirm he was found two miles from the camp? Yes, sir.
Laying there in an unconscious condition, looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Colonel, what did you think about Klinger's attempt to desert the United States Army? Well, frankly, sir, I think, uh, he might have made it if he'd have had a better tailwind.
As you were.
This hearing will resume at 0900 hours tomorrow.
Colonel Blake, you're under arrest.
You will remain confined to regimental quarters until this hearing resumes.
Corporal O'Reilly, you'll return to your unit.
Blake, I suggest that you have O'Reilly bring back whatever documents you're going to need to defend yourself against the most serious of these charges falsifying records and lending aid and comfort to the enemy.
Oh, boy.
Ah, nice.
Keep a nice, even spread there, soldier.
I don't want to see any brush strokes.
- Frank? It's against air raid regulations.
- Hmm? If they're white, they can be seen by enemy planes.
Uh, just paint the top half and, uh, turn them over every night.
Hey, it's Radar.
When did you get back? About a half a chicken ago.
Where's Henry? Will you stop that vacuum effect and answer? Colonel Blake is still at regimental headquarters.
He's under arrest.
- Henry? - For what? A whole lot of little stuff, but one really terrible one.
Giving aid and comfort to the enemy.
Henry wouldn't do a thing like that.
His draft board did it when they sent him here.
What are you talking about? - Those are the charges.
- Well, who made them? - Major Burns - And Houlihan.
- And Houlihan.
Please, not while you're eating.
Based on what? I think it's about that Nurse Cratty business.
How did they find out? All I know is I got to show 'em the file on her tomorrow morning.
- Uh, what do you say we show them Nurse Cratty too? - In person.
We'll take care of that.
You get the files.
Oh, hey, thanks, guys.
I can't tell you how upset this makes me.
Eat something.
You've got exciting hands.
I am a nurse, silly.
Oh! Right there.
Right there.
Mmm! I've always said it.
Behind every great man there's a woman with a vibrator.
What do you want? I think your salute is idling too fast.
Just what business do you men have with your commanding officer? We want you to know, Commanding Officer, we're both aware of your finkery.
- Finkery? - That's right.
You finked on Henry.
You were the fink and he was the finkee.
Henry Blake is unfit to command.
- We love him.
- Hard cheese.
This outfit is finally going to have a real man in charge.
- Good luck, fella.
- You deserve it, guy.
Leave this tent immediately.
- We're going all right.
- Down to Regimental.
- Yeah, with Nurse Cratty.
- To rescue our colonel.
To save his brass.
- [Frank] As you were.
- How were we? You're both under arrest.
Oh.
This is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention: "No officer shall be confined in his underwear unless issued an athletic supporter with suitable insignia.
" I don't mind that so much 'cause I got good legs.
But to take away our still.
How long does he think we can last on just food and water? He's a doctor.
That's what kills me.
His patients have the same problem.
Look.
You're a captain.
I'm a captain.
That makes two captains against one major.
Now, if you were playing poker, and you had a pair of captains in the hole, - you'd bet your brains out.
- The trouble is, he's not one of a kind.
- That's right.
Hot Lips is a major too.
- That's a bigger pair.
- Meanwhile, back at headquarters - Our fearless leader.
- What do we do? - I can't think here.
There's no booze, the place has been cleaned to within an inch of its life and your knees are driving me wild.
Don't get smart with me, soldier.
I'm cheap, but I'm not easy.
- Supper, sir.
- Here you go.
Where do you wanna eat? Put it by the TV.
- I like your outfit.
- Thank you.
A lot of guys can't wear stuff like that.
Major Burns ordered me to get rid of all my dresses.
That's a shame.
Listen, if you guys need something to wear Corporal.
For nasal drip.
- I haven't got a nasal drip.
- Take it or I'll give you one.
Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, I'll have this filled right away.
[Sniffling] [Man Over P.
A.
] Attention, all personnel.
By order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp.
Anyone not in their own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are.
The following people have volunteered to go on a ten-mile hike.
Hiya, Roy.
How you doing? How about a beer? Attaboy, Roy.
I did just like you told me.
I put the whole thing in his beer.
- Great.
- Take two bras out of petty cash.
[General] We'll now address ourselves to the most serious charge made against you, Colonel.
Major.
It alleges that you falsified requisition records to obtain more plasma, penicillin and other vital medical material than your unit required.
Further, these were delivered to your unit but were not given to the officer in charge of supplies, - Major Houlihan, according to him.
- Her.
- Sir? - Him's a her.
She's a she.
- Who's a she? - He is.
- Houlihan? - That's her.
- Proceed, Major.
It is further alleged, uh, these materials were used to give aid to North Koreans.
Now, you gave or sold said medical supplies to one Meg Cratty, an American nurse who has lived in Korea for the past 17 years and operates a clinic in an area some three miles north of the 38th Parallel.
Many of her patients are North Koreans.
- We're fighting the North Koreans, Colonel.
- I'm aware of that, General.
- That's treason! - Are the allegations true, Colonel Blake? Yes.
But-But-But-But I don't mean "yes" in the sense that, "Yes, I gave aid and comfort to the enemy" but rather, "Yes, Meg Cratty gave aid and comfort.
" That's what I meant by my "yes, sir, sir, yes, sir, sir.
" [Murphy] Then the charges made by Houlihan and Burns are substantially correct? - [Henry] Yes, sir.
- Why are you slowing down, Frank? Hurry up! Watch that bomb hole! Get over on your right, Frank! Frank, what are you doing over on the right? Get over on the left! This hearing is to determine if court-martial proceedings are indicated.
You've given me no alternative but to recommend such proceedings.
- I understand, General.
- Don't you have anything to say in your own defense? I was just trying to help.
- Pierce! - [General] Who are these people? - We wanna testify, sir.
- The cavalry's here, Henry.
## [Imitating Bugle Call] - Uh, General, this is Captain Pierce.
- Pierce.
This is Captain Mclntyre.
That's, uh, Meg Cratty.
And that's, uh uh This is a sample of Henry Blake's work.
- Oh, brother, that's all I need.
- We're here to help Colonel Blake, sir.
Yeah, get me life in front of the firing squad.
You get any sleep, sir? This girl, and dozens like her, will have healthy babies because of Henry Blake.
Now, I operate a clinic.
And when someone's sick, I don't ask about their politics.
Henry Blake is the only man who's ever helped me.
He's a caring, decent man, which is more than I can say about any of you high-priced bellhops.
- You're beautiful.
- I used to be, sonny.
May I say something, General? Before Meg Cratty set up shop, seven out of ten babies born to the hill people never made it past the first few days.
My giving her penicillin and whatever just made her job a little easier.
No money changed hands, and I didn't deprive our own wounded kids of one thing.
I'm guilty.
That's my explanation.
So you can hang my butt from a flagpole.
General, request permission to address this hearing.
- Who are you? - Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir.
- Which is which? - Doesn't matter.
They're interchangeable.
- General, this man is A.
W.
O.
L.
- So is he.
They're both AWOL.
That's only because we're absent without leave.
They drugged an M.
P.
And stole a jeep.
Whatever they've told you, these two are living proof of Henry Blake's unfitness for command.
I never claimed to be a junior General MacArthur.
Look, I'm a doctor, and I try to patch up wounded kids and run a hospital.
Right! Having heard the charges and the colonel's explanations, I'm inclined to expunge the record.
In order to do that, I'll need you to drop your charges, Major.
- I assume you're willing to do so.
- [Frank]Just a minute, General.
I am proud to serve in the United States Army and equally proud to fight in this war.
- My family came to America in 1927.
- Riding on a pony.
I will not drop these charges.
Colonel Blake's total refusal to go by the book is a slap in the face to the loyalty and devotion given to the flag by officers and men like Major Houlihan and myself.
Uh, therefore, I decline to change my position in any way, shape or form.
Excuse me, General.
Some new evidence has just come to light.
Major Burns.
- You wouldn't.
- In a minute.
- Uh-huh.
General, in view of certain circumstances, I, at this time, withdraw my charges.
Frank! [General] You're sure, Major? Uh He is.
This hearing is adjourned.
I'd ask you all in for a drink, but the Officers' Club doesn't open for another hour.
I've got the key, General.
Fox, put yourself down for a Silver Star.
Major Burns.
Congratulations, Henry.
- Oh, thanks, Meg.
And good luck to you.
- Thanks.
Hey, Henry.
What you said there, that was terrific.
Yeah.
What the hell is the new evidence? - What do you care? You're free.
- Yeah, you're free! "Dear Mrs.
Burns, "since you're so proud of your husband as an officer, "it is sad to report that he is frequently out of uniform.
And maybe you should know with who.
" - That's "whom.
" - Oh.
"Whom.
" [Man Over P.
A.
] Attention, all personnel.
Let's all turn out to greet our very own Colonel Blake.
Everybody hit the compound.
Everybody hit the compound.
Well, this is it, General.
It's an honor having you.
I just wanted to see what kind of a nut farm you were running here.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, sir.
But the, uh, 4077 th is just your run-of-the-mill everyday army camp.
[Klinger] Ten-hut! Welcome home, sir.