M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e22 Episode Script

[Man on P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Attention.
The eagle screams today.
It's payday.
All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede.
[Man.]
Don't push.
Come on.
- Hey, come on! - Hey, come on.
[All Shouting, Indistinct.]
All right, can we have quiet? - Can we have a little quiet out there, please? - [Shouting Continues.]
All right, everybody, hold it down a little, will you? Silence these rowdies, will you, Radar? - Quiet! - [Shouting Subsides.]
- Radar, you've got class coming out of each belly button.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, let's get on with it, shall we? - Uh, yes, sir.
You are aware that you're pay officer of today.
I know that.
I'm not some movie I just walked in in the middle of.
Yeah.
I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the regulations.
Um, "Each payment in military script "is to be made in accordance "with regulation 7-9-7/9-4-J "ascertaining that each signature opposite each name "corresponds with each said pay "and in the event that there is a discrepancy in the aforementioned "in either an overage or an underage of funds you are wholly and only responsible.
" Thanks.
Are you sure you got that, sir? - Sure as you're one foot high, Radar.
- Cut that out.
Glad you could all make it today.
I'm your genial host, Hawkeye Pierce, star of stage, screen and radioactivity.
- Well, I guess I'll go pay the officers.
- Go pay the officers now.
Isn't he wonderful? He'll be back.
May we have the first contestant, please.
Private Frank Daily, sir.
Daily.
Daily.
Right.
Okay.
Seventy-five dollars and thirty-one, two, three cents.
Just sign on the dotted.
Hope I got this right.
I'm just an ordinary chest-cutter.
I can't make change for anything over two nurses.
Next.
- Klinger! - Yes, sir? Just where do you get the gall to show up for payday dressed like a two-dollar streetwalker? Sorry, Father.
I was worried about these earrings with tweed.
Not only is masquerading as a starlet not going to get you out of the army military regulations specifically state that no soldier may receive his pay unless in uniform.
In uniform.
Do you read me, Corporal Crazy? Oh, give me a break, sir.
I gotta get my money.
It's important.
And next time stand a little closer to the razor when you shave.
My knees get in the way.
Dismissed! March! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Sir, are you busy? No, Radar.
Just looking for my wallet.
Clamp.
Payday.
Your money.
Retract the bowel, Nurse.
Just file it in the office, Radar, under "Broke.
" Uh, yes, sir.
There we go.
- I don't look old enough to be his father, do I? - No, sir.
I never been sure, you know.
I spent a week in his hometown once.
Suction here.
Okay.
Now, no-limit game.
Check and raise? Okay? Usual rules.
If you got the pink slip on it, you can bet it.
Oh, we gonna play or talk? - Here's your pay, ma'am.
- Thanks, Peewee.
- Sir.
- Thanks, Radar.
Been in the family for years.
Found him on my doorstep.
Never regretted taking him out of the milk bottle.
Open for five.
Your five and five more.
Oh, Captain Kamikaze's in town, huh? Next! Corporal Klinger.
- This man is not to be paid.
- What are you talking about? I said he wasn't to be paid unless he got into uniform.
What's this, chopped liver? Here you go, Klinger.
- Just sign yourJane Hancock.
- You're a prince, sir.
You may kiss my ring later.
Are you just going to sit there and go over my head? Frank, if I could yawn with my mouth closed, you'd have no idea how boring you really are.
Oh, phooey to youey! Next.
- Here's your pay, Father.
- Thank you, Radar.
You collected anything for Sister Theresa's orphanage? Oh, four I.
O.
U.
S and an offer to give the bishop a nose job.
Oh, well, don't worry about it.
It'll get better.
Why, thank you, Radar.
Casting bread upon the waters, my son? Oh, no, Father.
I'd never do that.
Food is sacred.
- All officers paid and accounted for, Hawk.
- Good man.
- You got a big day planned? - Oh, I just figured I'd goof off and take a shower.
Oh, decided not to wait till the end of the war, huh? I, myself, personally, am off to the Officers' Tonsil Wash Emporium and Whoopee Parlor to meet a nurse of the totally opposite sex.
And there isn't a thing she can do I don't deserve.
- Where did this come from? - It was left over.
It's yours.
- A tip from Uncle Sam.
- [Clinking.]
Ten bucks? Hey, I can't keep this.
Well, then, share it with ten corporals.
- I can't.
- Or 20 privates at 50 cents each.
- Go buy some popcorn.
See the new hygiene film.
- No, you don't understand.
When you got funds left over, you have to fill out this special refund fund form.
No, you fill it out.
I'm gonna tie a giant olive around my neck and sink to the bottom of a martini.
I'm gonna need some help with this.
Radar, tell the United States Army, which I so proudly hail that not only do I send back their ten dollars I would also dearly love some compensation for dragging me out of my warm bed in Maine and giving me this ringside seat at the war which has already caused me to lose almost $3,000 of my civilian practice by not being there to say to various people, "Please lower your trousers and say 'Ah.
"' - Uh, yeah, I just got one question.
- What? Um, what is your maiden name? [Knocking On Door.]
Come! Kim Chun Quoc at your service, Major, sir.
- Yes, yes, I know.
- Tiffany on wheels.
Like a P.
X.
Better even.
Uh, happy coat.
Just your size, Major.
Drives the honeys nuts.
You see this? You know what this is? Fourteen-carat cheap.
I'm a happily married man, mister.
Honeys aren't any of my business.
Ah! The wife.
I got some pearls here.
The oysters cried when they gave them up.
[Whistles.]
Those are real beauts.
The major knows the best.
Of course I know the best.
I'm an American, after all.
Fifteen hundred bucks.
And I don't haggle.
- Too rich for my blood.
- Uh, yeah, 800.
But we didn't haggle.
- Not a penny more than five.
- You got 'em.
And I'll throw in an imitation set for 50 bucks, no extra charge.
What would I do with an imitation set? Well, the major's happily married.
Uh, he must have something on the side, or he wouldn't be so happy.
- I owe the pot 50 bucks.
- You want me to lend you a hundred? Give it to me free, and I'll marry you.
Not if either one of us was the last man on Earth.
- You're down 500, Doc.
- Who asked you? There's a bonus for reenlisting.
You got terminal mouth, Sergeant.
Deal.
Excuse me.
Any room for a poor pulpit-pounder? - Fall right in, Father.
- Oh, you're very kind.
You see, I'm hoping to raise some funds.
I gave at the office.
- No extra help, Father.
- Oh, no, no.
Don't you have something really pretty? Life here is so colorless.
So blah.
- Oh.
- Now that's class.
Oh.
Oh.
- How much? - Fifteen hundred.
- Oh.
- Uh, 500? An oyster irritated for over a year to form these spherical delights.
- Two fifty? - Too much.
Look, I can get you a strand for 35 bucks.
No irritation, no sweat, no nothing.
- The oysters were glad to get rid of them.
- Could I have a look? I sold the last set to a major a couple of tents down.
I can get you the same in an hour.
A major? Major Burns? I don't know his name.
Uh, he had what we call in Korea a real "fertilizer face.
" He bought cheap pearls, this major? Also the $500 job for his wife.
He's a happy married man.
I could tell by the way the ring was cutting into his finger.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.
Captain Pierce, you dance divinely.
- My parents made me take divine lessons.
- Smart parents.
It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton.
You couldn't get any closer, could you? Not unless I got behind you.
- Psst.
Psst.
- What's that? Either the camp has a flat, or Radar has developed a slow leak.
- Uh, I've got to talk to you, sir.
- Not now, Radar.
Oh, I think you'll find this very interesting, sir.
It better be.
I was about to give this girl the dip of a lifetime.
State your business in one word or less.
Uh, well, you remember when you were spreading your onions on your hot dog? I beg your pardon? And I took down everything you said about how much compensation you wanted.
Mr.
Kwang, can I have a martini, please? And a Shirley Temple, extra dry.
- What's this? - The three thousand dollars you asked for.
I think I love you.
You are to send this back in a plain brown jeep.
It doesn't make any sense.
Well, none of it makes any sense.
You just send in the right number of forms.
I can't keep money that doesn't belong to me.
Listen, I got a friend down at the 43rd made a mistake and ended up with He's going into the ices business.
- Three thousand dollars? - Uh, plus ten.
Three thousand and ten dollars.
Mr.
Kwang, I'd like to buy South Korea a drink.
Mm, 50.
There's one short here.
## [Humming.]
$831.
75.
- Tidy little bundle of wampum, eh, Radar? - Oh, yes, sir.
Uh-huh.
Taxes, federal.
That's what I help pay to keep our boys, which I'm one to maintain my wife's way of life that's over there - which is why we're over here.
- Yes, sir.
Then you got your unemployment insurance.
That's in case the war I'm paying for ends and I lose my job.
- Yes, sir.
Will that be all, sir? - That'll be all, Radar.
[Sighs.]
Which leaves a grand total of $43 for yours truly to play poker with.
- Uh, Corporal Klinger to see you, sir.
- At this time of night? Send that dressmaker's nightmare away.
Sir.
Sit down, Klinger.
What can I do for you? Colonel, I got a proposition to make.
Forget it.
We'd regret it the rest of our lives.
Cooler-offer? Four hundred and seventy-seven dollars.
- Three months' pay.
- I must say, that's admirable, Klinger.
And there's another 250 in a locker in Grand Central Station.
- That's terrific.
- Here's a quarter for the key.
- What? - Let me out on a psycho, and it's all yours.
- What is this? - This is a bribe.
Let me go home.
Klinger.
You are lower than a pregnant snail.
I can't stand it anymore.
There's a war out there, sir.
I'm aware of it, Klinger.
Don't you think I'm afraid? My nerves don't sit still a minute.
I swear, some archaeologist a hundred years from now will dig me up slumped over in the latrine.
Then run away with me, sir.
Together.
'Scuse, please.
I got a date with a royal flush.
But as a favor to you, I'm not gonna mention the bribe.
Ah, come off of it, Colonel.
Bribery is as American as toreador pants.
Colonel! - [Margaret.]
Who is it? - It's your boop-boop-a-dooper.
Come in, Frank.
- Margaret, you're wearing that sweater.
- Mm-hmm.
I want to be buried with that sweater, Margaret.
I know you think of me as a clear-eyed, iron-willed major toughened by action, brutalized by others' pain.
But there's another Frank Burns.
My other alter ego.
Is that the ego she dragged to the altar, Frank? I'm talking about the sweetheart me.
The generous guy with a heart of gold and the soft underbelly.
Close your crinkly little eyes.
- What is it, Frank? - Look.
Gorgeous.
Simply gorgeous.
Margaret, I could rape your nape.
You're sweet.
Where did you get them? Oh, down in Seoul last time.
You know that high-class jeweler's in the lobby of the Chosun Hotel? They must have cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars.
Now, I want one kiss for each pearl and something special for the clasp.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, look how perfect they are.
I would have been happy with an imitation and here you've gone ahead and bought me the real thing.
Is there any special way you can tell the difference? Oh, certainly.
You just rub them against your teeth and if they feel rough, they're the real thing.
Well, the peddler, that is, the jeweler warned me that these come from your Oriental-type oyster and are not always rough.
Whereas your common, ordinary, man-in-the-street oyster But if they feel smooth, it's the old "fakeroo.
" Ohh.
[Chuckles.]
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd own a strand like these.
I'm just amazed you were so extravagant for me.
Oh, well, you know.
[Chuckles.]
All righty, boys.
Once around the horn.
I'm afraid my coffers are empty.
I'd like to help, Father, but I lost my diploma in the last hand.
- Yeah.
No hard feelings, Father.
- Oh, heavens, no.
I think I'll just go curl up with the Good Book.
- New deal.
- Greetings, officers sirs.
What do you got this month, Kim? - Pipe this rock, Captain.
- Whoo-eee! That's a beauty.
I'll give you 50 smackers for it.
Are you kidding? The reward's worth more than that.
- ##[Piano.]
- So any, uh Uh, what's that you're playing, Father? Oh, just a little ragtime I play now and then.
You know, for a priest, you have no sense of rhythm.
It lightens the load.
I'll make you a deal.
Trade you loads.
I'll unload first.
Good Lord! Three thousand clams.
All yours.
You see what a lot of praying can do? Here.
I almost forgot.
Ten more.
It's an incredibly generous donation.
I'd agree, if I weren't incredibly modest.
Take it, Father.
Give it to Sister Theresa's orphanage.
Buy a new gargoyle for the Vatican.
There may be a sainthood in this, Hawkeye.
Yes, I can see myself on dashboards all over America.
Can you imagine the children's faces when they hear the news? Spare me, Father.
It's makes me go Spencer Tracy all over.
And now, my dear, shall we repair to my tent? - I didn't even know - [Together.]
it was broken.
- Good evening, Major.
- Well, hello, Frank.
Walk me to the shower? You're gonna shower with your pearls on? Won't they get wet? It's not terribly dry inside an oyster, Frank.
Anyway, real pearls take on a luster when worn next to the skin.
And these are lustering already.
But, Margaret, they're only on a thread.
Oh, I'll take them off before I get in the shower.
Sorry I can't ask you in.
- Hey, soldier! - I wasn't! I'm looking for your colonel, Major.
- I have no idea where my colonel major is, Captain.
- Yes, sir.
- Leave your duck in the shower, Frank? - Oh, scram-skee! Pervert! Fork over 75 bucks, or I'll tell the A.
M.
A.
You wouldn't! You're bluffing.
How could you tell? - I think I love this.
- Mmm, kissing? You make a great lower-lip sandwich.
- You like Chinese food? - Mm-hmm.
- You like walking in the rain? - Mm-hmm.
Mmm! How about eating Chinese food in the rain? - Lend my 15, Frank.
That's my final offer.
- N-O spells "no.
" We're not being quiet too loudly for you, are we? Hey, give me 50 bucks.
I got an inside straight.
I hit it lucky.
You have all the luck of the navigator of the Titanic.
What about all our knee-scraping, commode-hugging good times? What about the four-leaf clover that gave you a rash? What about all the times in O.
R.
? The bowels we resected? We've been together through thick and thick.
Trapper, you have a gift for losing.
You put money in a parking meter, it comes up three lemons.
[Whinnying.]
Frank's mating call.
Gross but effective.
Tee-hee.
You're right, Hawk.
I'd probably blow the hand.
Think I'll go back and fold.
As I remember, I was checking you for polyps.
- Sir! - Oh, listen A Captain Sloan to see you, sir.
I'll see you at 6:00 after the war.
- I'm Captain Sloan, Supervising Acc-Fin.
- "Acc-Fin"? - Accounting and Finance.
- Oh.
I'm Hawkeye Pierce, Aggravated Doc-Surge.
- I'd like to stay, but that would keep me from going.
- Hold on! You're this month's pay officer? I also double as rodent officer, rumor officer and termite officer on Arbor Day.
Well, you're $3,000 deep in trouble, Captain.
- Did you really think you could get away with it? - What are you talking about? Where are the funds you thought you could swindle the United States government out of? As though anyone might think they could.
How long have you had this delusion that you're human? Father Mulcahy's here, sir.
- Is someone in need of aid? - Sit down, shorty! We've got your boss.
Father, this is the kind gentleman who gave us the money.
Bless your heart, sir.
I've driven the money over to Sister Theresa.
The orphans now have milk in their stomachs and warm blankets on the floor.
- Well, I want it back.
- "Back"? As in now.
As in all of it.
- Or you'll be preaching in the stockade.
- Dear me.
Captain Sloan, you're helping to ruin one of the worst days of my life.
Every time I've tried to register with a certain nurse someone's committed captain interruptus.
And now you accuse me of stealing.
But you're gonna really be in trouble if you harm one hair on this man's halo.
Did you know that contributions to the church can be written off on your income tax? You're coming with me, Pierce.
First we'll check out with your C.
O.
Checkout time's not till 11:00.
[Trapper.]
Your 50 and 50 more.
- [Henry.]
Is that a hundred? - How do I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.
- Colonel Blake? - Disappear, Radar.
Come on, will ya? It's 3:00 in the morning.
Uh, Colonel Blake, Captain Sloan from H.
Q.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
- Henry, I'm being arrested.
Here's my authorization to take custody.
- We don't take that kind of card, do we, Henry? - [Zale.]
Up to you, Colonel.
Um, it's too rich for me.
- Henry - We'll get it straight in a minute, Pierce.
- What are you gonna do, Henry? - I just folded.
- I'll see your fold.
- Trapper Your captain was trying to abscond with $3,000 not rightfully his.
If you'll just sign this, we'll be on our way.
Four tens, you lose.
Forty miles, four tens.
Ha-ha! It's mine! Mine! All mine! I just love a gracious winner.
Well, you finally won a hand.
I just wish I'd lived to see it.
And I owe it all to you, pal.
I started with your watch.
A little cunning, a little cuteness, and now a fortune.
- You stole my watch? - You want me to arrest him? No extra trouble as long as I'm here.
- We're square.
- Not quite.
- What are you doing? - A receipt, please.
And promise me you'll go out with other captains.
Hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime shot.
What are you doing to me? Look, Ravenal, the only reason you won that pot is because you stole my watch.
If I don't give that money to Chuckles here he's gonna give me the honeymoon suite at the Stockade Hilton.
- You're $8.
00 over.
- I'll take that, for rent on the watch.
- Four dollars an hour.
- I only had it an hour.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll get it fixed.
- Who is this guy? Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.
- I'll tell you later, sir.
- You always say that, Radar, but you never do.
- Are we here to play or talk? - Anybody know how to play "Go Fish"? How about "Hearts"? "Old Maid"? I'm gonna prove to you you can't win at cards even for free.
Collecting sevens, huh? And tens and jacks and nines and threes.
And little lambs eat ivy.
What, are you rubbing those pearls on your teeth, Frank? The pearls are real.
Your teeth are fake.
Why don't you give up? You can't win.
- Ha-ha! Gin! - You lose.
- What? - I had gin a long time ago.
Threes and nines and tens and sevens and twelves and sixes.
You've got about 85 points.