M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e14 Episode Script
G518 - Mail Call, Again
# Baby, dear Listen here # # I'm afraid to come home in the dark # # Every day the papers say # #A robbery in the park # # So I sat alone in the YMCA # # Singing just like a lark # # Oh, there's no place like home # - [Knocking.]
- Come.
# But I couldn't come home in the dark ## - Is that you singing, sir? - Music has charms to soothe the savage breast.
I don't know much about those, sir.
I could sing it much better if I didn't have this cold.
- Uh, mail call, sir.
- Who from, Radar? Well, you got a letter from a Dr.
Norman Chase, Cleveland, Ohio.
Oh, yeah.
Great proctologist good ol' Squint.
- Here's one from your son, sir.
- Oh, good.
- Read it while I rake these bristles.
- Yes, sir.
- I didn't know your son was a doctor.
- Dentist.
Specializes in gums.
I remember when we talked it over.
He said, "Dad, everybody's got two sets of gums.
That's where the money is.
" [Clears Throat.]
"Dear Dad, things have been going great here "lots of pyorrhea.
"We are well, but hold on to your hat.
"Jeanine and I have been keeping a secret from you and Mom.
- By the time you get this, you'll be a grandfather.
" - Yeow! Wow! Let's see, uh [Mumbling.]
"The baby's a week late, Dad.
" - They're always late.
- What do they know? "I say it's late, Dad, because it's a girl.
"Jeanine says it's late because it's a boy.
"We have a bet.
"If she's right, I buy her four retread tires for her Kaiser.
If I'm right, she serves my breakfast in bed for a week.
" That'll put a kink in his colon.
Gee, sir, maybe we could have a bet like that.
You know, like a pool.
Dandy notion.
Day it's born.
- And the baby's weight.
- Boy or girl.
- For a buck? - Good.
I say it's gonna be a strapping nine-pound boy born on the, uh, 21 st.
Twenty-first.
With a firm jaw aristocratic nose steely eyes but a little taller.
[Knocking.]
One moment.
Come in.
- Good morning.
- State your business, Corporal.
It's mail call, ma'am.
- You got a package, uh, from Frederick's of Hollywood.
- Frederick's? You know, I went through Hollywood on the way here.
I think I saw James Cagney.
[Imitating James Cagney.]
Mmm.
You sent my brother Nicky to the big house.
Hmm.
Cagney.
[Whistles.]
- Is there anything else? - We're having a pool on the birth of a baby date, weight and sex, one dollar.
- I don't approve of gambling.
- It's Colonel Potter's grandchild.
Six and a half pounds, the 25th, boy.
Now scram! Yes, ma'am.
Mmm.
Cagney.
Oh, Frank Burns, you Midwestern devil.
Oh, my.
It's from my sister Angelica.
- The saint? - Oh, no, Radar.
She's a nun.
Well, they get promoted though, don't they? Oh, it's a big step, Radar.
Sometimes it takes centuries.
- Father, do you mind if I ask you a religious question? - Of course not.
When you get a letter from your sister the sister does she call you Father, brother or Lieutenant, Father? She calls me by my given name Francis.
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
That's all right, Radar.
I'm here to entertain the troops.
Wow! Well.
- She's coaching girls' basketball.
- Oh? Saint Mary's 42, visitors 28.
Saint Mary's 56, visitors 39.
Oh, my.
They whipped the pants off Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows.
I better continue on my appointed rounds, Father.
- Mail call.
- What a sweet sound.
Like a canary with fresh newspapers.
All you got was the Crabapple Cove Courier.
Never underestimate the power of the press.
- It's from your wife.
- Mm-hmm.
- From your wife.
- Mm-hmm.
- From your wife.
- Uh-huh.
- And from Waggle Hunnicutt.
- My dog.
- Your dog? - My wife does the actual writing.
Surely you jest.
- Dogs can't write.
- Are you kidding? I once knew a Cocker Spaniel who covered the dog show over at the New York Times.
Oh, yeah.
He would have won the Pulitzer Prize but that was the year Joyce Kilmer wrote Trees.
Get this.
"Nathan Wicket leaves farm to donkey.
" I knew them.
They were very close.
- Hey, the baby said a whole sentence.
- [Hawkeye.]
What'd she say? "Boo da be babba.
" The kid is brilliant.
Peggy says it means, "I've had enough strained apricots and wish to take my nap now.
" You didn't have to explain it.
Get this.
"Lyle Brown, local fisherman "suffers double hernia pulling in lobster traps.
"Eight lobsters escaped during the disaster.
Lyle told reporters, 'They haven't seen the last of me.
"' - Hey, Frank's letter is open.
- Oh, yeah.
It was an accident.
I was boiling some water for Colonel Potter's tea while I was sorting mail, and it come open.
- Steam will do that.
- It was an accident.
Honest.
What did it accidentally say? Are you kidding? I'm no sneak.
- I'm not a spy.
- It's okay to be an American spy.
Right.
Good guys can do anything rotten.
- His wife wants a divorce.
- Oh, wow.
- Hey, this is big stuff, Radar.
- Yeah.
Some officer was passing through here.
Anyway, he meets Louise back home see, that's Mrs.
Major Burns and he spills the beans about him and Major Houlihan.
- Frank will blow his brains out.
- If he can find a peashooter.
- Well, won't this make him happy? - Mm-mmm.
No, now he's free to marry Major Houlihan.
Radar, Major Burns doesn't want to leave mommy.
There's a 10,000-mile umbilical cord between here and Indiana.
I don't understand that.
- The telephone company puts it on your bill.
- Oh.
What are you doing here in officers' country? Just delivering the mail, sir.
Well, then deliver it and get lost, you little drip.
I was talking to the guys.
The guys.
The guys? I am Major Burns.
This is Captain Pierce.
That is Captain Hunnicutt.
We are not guys.
- I thought I was.
- Get out! Yes, sir.
You do not salute inside! Just in case I don't see you outside, sir.
Blow! - Why must you encourage him, huh? - We like Radar, Frank.
- He's soft and cuddly.
- And almost housebroken.
How is he ever going to learn his place if you keep letting him think he's an equal, huh? Tsk.
This letter is open.
- Humidity.
- Steam will do that.
- Everything okay at home, Frank? - Uh, fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The, uh, crabgrass is in bloom and the cat had puppies.
Hmm.
The sardine cannery burned down.
"The last structure in town designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.
" The paper say anything about snow? Frank.
It came.
It came.
The fatigues from Hollywood.
- Oh, oh.
- You naughty thing.
- Not now, Margaret.
- I want to show it to you.
- I must use the phone.
- You have feathers in your hair.
- It's a scalp condition.
- Frank, what's wrong? Something dreadful's happened.
I've got to call home.
Oh, Lord.
Is someone dying? If only it was that unimportant.
Okay.
Sir, your daughter-in-law isn't at Mercy Hospital.
- Did you call my son's home? - Yes, sir, but I just got his answering service.
They said, uh, "Leave your name and your gum condition.
" - Try that Jewish hospital.
- What's the name, sir? Uh, Holy Moses.
Something like that.
Is my call through to Indiana yet? Not right now, sir.
I got another call going through to Ohio.
Don't give me any snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for.
The Ohio call's mine, Major.
Oh, sir.
L Aaah.
It's just a little joke with Radar here.
I'd watch that dimwit talk.
Your bulb's been out since I met you.
Definitely, sir.
Hello.
Yeah, Seoul? Listen, try that Jewish hospital.
Uh, look under Moses.
- Would that be Bernie Moses, sir? - No first name.
Sir, my call is awfully important.
I have a terrible problem at home.
You're gonna have a problem here if you don't stop shooting off your "bazoo.
" - Yes, sir.
- Sir, your call's going through.
It's plain old Moses Memorial.
Hello? Hello? Colonel Sherman Potter here.
Calling from Korea.
Korea.
Where all the fun is.
- Is there a Jeanine Potter - Sir? Oh, sorry.
Jeanine Potter registered there? Maternity.
- No, no.
Potter, not Potash.
- [Scoffs.]
What? I'll try it.
Thank you.
- They said try City General.
- Right.
City General.
That's where my son was born.
My wife went into labor the minute she heard Valentino died.
- Gee, I hope she's better now, sir.
- Coming along.
- Colonel Potter.
- What's the matter with you, Burns? You act like you've got termites in your truss.
Hello? Hello? - Can I talk to you in your office, sir? - Well, make it snappy.
I'm a grandfather and don't even know it.
All right, Burns, spit it out.
- It's, uh, my wife, sir.
- Speak up, Burns.
I've got to call home.
My wife's very upset.
She misses me terribly and-and wants a divorce.
She got another stallion in the paddock? Oh, heaven forbid.
No, she worships the ground I walk on.
- Who told you that? - My mother.
"Daring Robbery.
"Saturday night last, the home of Mr.
And Mrs.
Marshall Staggs "popular local welding team, was burglarized.
"The Staggs had driven over to Morgansville "to get new nipples for their acetylene tank.
"Stolen were the following items "Mr.
Staggs's World War II discharge button "which was in the lapel of his synthetic banker's-gray flannel suit "Mrs.
Staggs's entire collection of glass paperweights "including one, when shaken, produces a snowstorm falling on a coyote "poised to eat a woodpecker a set of porcelain his-and-her shavings mugs" Shavings mugs.
Shaving Shaving mug.
Shavings mug.
No, that "and several items of Mrs.
Staggs's clothing.
" Page, uh, four.
Here, here it is.
"A wetted silk cocktail frock "a synthetic camel's hair topcoat "three house dresses, four pairs of shoes "and Mrs.
Staggs's wedding gown.
"Police Chief Baylor states 'I believe this to be the work of roving transvestites.
"' And people say nothing exciting ever happens in Crabapple Cove.
Sir, I found your daughter-in-law.
She's at City General.
- What about the baby? What is it? - I can't get another line through for two hours.
There's only one operator on duty in Seoul because of the parade.
- What parade? - Syngman Rhee was just elected dictator again.
- Keep after 'em, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, you're supposed to knock.
In my grief, do I know what I'm doing? Colonel, do you want to see Corporal Klinger? Might as well.
I probably won't be going to the Easter parade.
Don't upset him.
- What now, Klinger? - Don't ask.
- Then shove off.
- Ask.
- All right, what is it? - Tragedy has struck my family, sir.
- I have a letter here from my mother.
- And? It is about the tragedy, sir.
Here is the tragedy.
My two brothers, Maurice and Hakim died in an explosion of the boiler at the Toledo Harmonica Company.
Two brothers? That's rough.
- My heart's in pieces.
- Older brothers? I was the baby.
Hakim would bathe me.
Maurice would nurse me.
So, according to the Selective Service Act subsection 31 -B paragraph six, small A, tragedy-wise as sole remaining son I'm entitled to immediate discharge from this the United States of America Army.
While you process it, I'll pack.
- Yo! - Question, Sherm? - Sherm? - I was overcome by a wave of civilianism.
First of all, this is in your handwriting.
I translated my mother's letter, sir.
It was in Lebanese.
- Let me see it.
- I burned it.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's part of a religious ceremony.
Held when two brothers die in a harmonica factory.
Or a camel race.
Whatever.
Klinger, this is your personal record.
Yes, sir.
- You have no brothers.
- Whoever said that was lying.
- You said that.
- Right.
I was lying, sir.
They were in the country illegal.
Ah, they, they lived under the front porch.
We fed them through the cracks.
And now they're dead.
- Klinger, you've got to live before you die.
- Oh, you said a mouthful, sir.
And they never did.
You made this whole thing up.
- How can you tell? - I know you.
Every time you tell a lie your nose gets smaller.
- Dismissed.
- I'll be back.
I'll be here.
- They're kidding.
- What? "Chick Siddons reports the loss of several calves.
They weren't branded, but one of them was wearing a gray felt hat.
" - A calf wearing a gray felt hat? - Just for downtown.
Must you bore everyone with that dull, hometown news? Dull? Listen to this.
"Noel Coward, Cole Porter and Marlene Dietrich "were seen dining at Eddie's Bar and Grill on Route Six.
"Cole Porter was heard to say 'Eddie, this boiled catfish is a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
"' Oh, stop it! Just stop it! You know, when you're mad, you're ugly.
I heard that smirk! How would you like to be confined to your bed for a week? Anywhere she goes, I go with her.
Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home? - There's a crisis.
- Hurricane named Louise.
I'd love to tap into that conversation.
I'd like to be a mouse with earphones.
Oh, you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you? Can I slip into something comfy first? - We're through to Indiana, Major.
- Well, it's about time! - I went as fast as I could, sir.
- Oh, it's all right.
I'm very grateful, Corporal.
- I'm really not a bad person, you know? - Yeah, I heard that once, sir.
I've got terrific pressures on me.
- Always have.
- Yes, sir.
My mother and father never got divorced.
I'd have done much better coming from a broken home.
- [Clicking.]
- Ooh.
- Now what? - It'll be just a minute, sir.
- Hey, Klinger, when am I gonna see my home movies? - Ready when you are, C.
B.
This is a private phone call.
Have you dug the new latrine? Yes, sir.
It's beautiful.
A hole to remember.
Sir, your home phone is ringing.
Louise? Louise, can you hear me? Huh? Well, it's me.
Frank.
- Frank Burns.
- Frank Burns.
Can you hold on a minute, sugar? Huh? Go peddle your fish! His old lady heard about Major Houlihan, huh? Yeah.
Just when he bought her some underwear you don't even need a girl for.
No kidding? Come on.
Give me a hand with the projector.
Hey, watch it, will ya? - Why my phone? - Sir, I give so much and ask for so little.
My wife's on the phone right this minute and I'd like to talk to her privately.
All right.
All right.
Shake a leg.
- And don't get the phone all sweaty.
- I'll try, sir.
I'm back, Louise.
Right here.
Listen, sugar, I just got your letter and, honey, sugar, I can't believe it.
I just can't, you know, believe it.
Darling, you know that the moment I met you I lost all interest in women.
Now, Louise, please.
No, no, you must listen to me.
I don't care what your mother said.
I don't care what she told you about me.
No, no.
Now, please Huh? Houlihan? Well, we have a Major Houlihan.
But that's laughable.
I mean, hah.
Major Houlihan's an old war horse! [Laughing.]
I don't care what Chuck told you! Attractive? Houlihan? She looks like an Army mule with bosoms.
Well, not that I ever noticed.
Now, wait, wait, wait! Louise? Honey? I can't live without you.
Oh If you divorce me, I'll do myself an injury.
I'll run right out into the middle of the war! Oh, please! Sugar.
Well, who wouldn't cry? Jiminy Cricket.
Your picture's in my wallet, and I'm sitting on it.
And if that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's my sugar.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll write you a long letter right away.
And you get rid of that lawyer.
Oh, Louise.
Am I still in your father's will, huh? [Chuckles.]
Good.
Well, darling, they're gonna cut us off.
Yeah.
I love you, angel.
Only you.
[Kissing.]
[Chuckling.]
War horse? Army mule? - Margaret.
- Stuff it! Margaret! I had to say those things.
Try to understand.
- Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk! - Margaret, please.
Remove your hand, or I'll zap you with my knee! Margaret.
I had to lie.
The stocks and the house are in her name.
Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno? We can have some hot toddies, and you can put on your new nightie.
You put on my new nightie.
! - Forty-five dollars.
- Sold.
Are alterations included? Oh, go practice your putts.
[Hawkeye.]
What is this, Radar, "How to Make Vaseline in Combat"? - It's a home movie, sir.
- [B.
J.
.]
"How to Make Vaseline at Home.
" No, it's Sunday dinner at Ottumwa, Iowa.
My Uncle Ed took 'em.
- My mother's in there and everything.
- Ready to roll.
Everybody here? Hawkeye, B.
J.
, me, Klinger, Radar? Let's go.
Oh, and Father Mulcahy.
I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
I'm often mistaken for being absent.
- [Radar.]
Hey, focus it.
- I'm focusing.
That's my mother and my dog Ranger.
That's my Uncle David.
Oh, that's my cousin, uh, Millie and my Uncle Bill.
Hi.
[Radar.]
I love you, Walter.
- Gee, Dad, talkies.
- [Mulcahy.]
Who's Walter? - That's my given name.
- Give it back.
[Klinger.]
What are they doing? - [Radar.]
They're doing that 'cause I'm in the army.
- [B.
J.
.]
Since when? [All Laughing.]
[Mulcahy.]
Radar, who's that man in the dark suit? - That's my Uncle Bill.
- [Mulcahy.]
Is he a clergyman? Uh, he wanted to be, but he couldn't find a good corner.
[All Laughing.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Oh, look at that food.
! - [B.
J.
.]
Oh, chocolate cake.
! - Yeah, my mom makes great chocolate cake.
- [Hawkeye.]
Look at that milk.
[Klinger.]
I'd eat those flowers.
- [Mulcahy.]
Lovely table.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's in that bowl, Radar? Oh, that fruit salad with those little marshmallows.
- What do they call that? - That fruit salad with those little marshmallows.
- Right.
- [Mulcahy.]
Quiet for the grace.
[Radar.]
Thank you for the world so sweet, thank you for the food we eat.
Thank you for the birds that sing, thank you, God, for everything.
[Mulcahy.]
Lovely.
[Hawkeye.]
Oh, look at the buns.
! Look at the buns.
! - [B.
J.
.]
Oh.
- [Radar.]
Yeah.
- [B.
J.
.]
Did your mother make those? - Yeah.
They smell great too.
- [Hawkeye.]
I know.
I can smell them.
- This is my cousin Millie.
- She runs a charm school.
- Charm school? [Radar.]
No kidding.
A charm school and gas station.
[All Laughing.]
Hey, watch this guy.
That's my Uncle David.
Watch him now.
Watch.
- [B.
J.
.]
The one with the sense ofhumor.
- Yeah.
I told you about him.
He can do binoculars with corn on the cob salt and pepper shakers and toilet paper rolls.
[Hawkeye.]
A meal in itself.
That's my mom and Ranger again.
- [Hawkeye.]
You know, you look a lot like Ranger.
- We grew up together.
[Radar.]
Gee.
Oh, I think it's gonna rain.
[Potter.]
Either that or it's a two-pound robin.
- What was that, sir? - Later.
[Hawkeye.]
She's gonna put the flowers back in the ground.
That's my Aunt Emily too.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's this? - Oh, I think they're going in to listen to the radio.
- [B.
J.
.]
Jack Benny.
- Fred Allen.
- Bishop Sheen.
- "The Shadow knows.
" ## [Hums.]
Bye, Uncle Dave.
Oh, there's my sled.
That's my cousin Jimmy.
Hejust started wearing those glasses.
Bye again, Ranger.
[No Audible Dialogue.]
So long, Mrs.
O'Reilly.
- [Potter.]
Nice pictures, Radar.
- Thank you, sir.
- [Potter.]
Radar? - [Phone Rings.]
I'll get it.
Radar certainly bears a striking resemblance to his mother.
Well, he is wearing her genes.
Sir, it's Ohio! Your son! Son, Dad.
Well, what's the big news? The 23rd, 81/2 pounds.
And what's his name? Cheryl? Sherry? My grandson's a girl.
Oh, heck no, I'm not disappointed.
How's Jeanine? You give that soldier a big kiss.
Is Mother pleased? Oh, can I talk Oh, phooey.
[Blowing.]
- You too? - I lost the baby pool.
- Bless my soul.
I won.
- A little inside information, Father? No, not at all.
I just know a little bit more about conceptions.
[Hawkeye.]
Lieutenant Kellye, that cigar is you.
To Sherry Pershing Potter, my granddaughter.
- A long and happy hitch.
- [All.]
Hear! Hear! Here we go.
Reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa.
Klinger, where'd you get that negligee? - I found it in the garbage.
- War is such a waste.
Klinger, it's you.
# Let me call you sweetheart # [All.]
# I'm in love with you ##
- Come.
# But I couldn't come home in the dark ## - Is that you singing, sir? - Music has charms to soothe the savage breast.
I don't know much about those, sir.
I could sing it much better if I didn't have this cold.
- Uh, mail call, sir.
- Who from, Radar? Well, you got a letter from a Dr.
Norman Chase, Cleveland, Ohio.
Oh, yeah.
Great proctologist good ol' Squint.
- Here's one from your son, sir.
- Oh, good.
- Read it while I rake these bristles.
- Yes, sir.
- I didn't know your son was a doctor.
- Dentist.
Specializes in gums.
I remember when we talked it over.
He said, "Dad, everybody's got two sets of gums.
That's where the money is.
" [Clears Throat.]
"Dear Dad, things have been going great here "lots of pyorrhea.
"We are well, but hold on to your hat.
"Jeanine and I have been keeping a secret from you and Mom.
- By the time you get this, you'll be a grandfather.
" - Yeow! Wow! Let's see, uh [Mumbling.]
"The baby's a week late, Dad.
" - They're always late.
- What do they know? "I say it's late, Dad, because it's a girl.
"Jeanine says it's late because it's a boy.
"We have a bet.
"If she's right, I buy her four retread tires for her Kaiser.
If I'm right, she serves my breakfast in bed for a week.
" That'll put a kink in his colon.
Gee, sir, maybe we could have a bet like that.
You know, like a pool.
Dandy notion.
Day it's born.
- And the baby's weight.
- Boy or girl.
- For a buck? - Good.
I say it's gonna be a strapping nine-pound boy born on the, uh, 21 st.
Twenty-first.
With a firm jaw aristocratic nose steely eyes but a little taller.
[Knocking.]
One moment.
Come in.
- Good morning.
- State your business, Corporal.
It's mail call, ma'am.
- You got a package, uh, from Frederick's of Hollywood.
- Frederick's? You know, I went through Hollywood on the way here.
I think I saw James Cagney.
[Imitating James Cagney.]
Mmm.
You sent my brother Nicky to the big house.
Hmm.
Cagney.
[Whistles.]
- Is there anything else? - We're having a pool on the birth of a baby date, weight and sex, one dollar.
- I don't approve of gambling.
- It's Colonel Potter's grandchild.
Six and a half pounds, the 25th, boy.
Now scram! Yes, ma'am.
Mmm.
Cagney.
Oh, Frank Burns, you Midwestern devil.
Oh, my.
It's from my sister Angelica.
- The saint? - Oh, no, Radar.
She's a nun.
Well, they get promoted though, don't they? Oh, it's a big step, Radar.
Sometimes it takes centuries.
- Father, do you mind if I ask you a religious question? - Of course not.
When you get a letter from your sister the sister does she call you Father, brother or Lieutenant, Father? She calls me by my given name Francis.
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
That's all right, Radar.
I'm here to entertain the troops.
Wow! Well.
- She's coaching girls' basketball.
- Oh? Saint Mary's 42, visitors 28.
Saint Mary's 56, visitors 39.
Oh, my.
They whipped the pants off Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows.
I better continue on my appointed rounds, Father.
- Mail call.
- What a sweet sound.
Like a canary with fresh newspapers.
All you got was the Crabapple Cove Courier.
Never underestimate the power of the press.
- It's from your wife.
- Mm-hmm.
- From your wife.
- Mm-hmm.
- From your wife.
- Uh-huh.
- And from Waggle Hunnicutt.
- My dog.
- Your dog? - My wife does the actual writing.
Surely you jest.
- Dogs can't write.
- Are you kidding? I once knew a Cocker Spaniel who covered the dog show over at the New York Times.
Oh, yeah.
He would have won the Pulitzer Prize but that was the year Joyce Kilmer wrote Trees.
Get this.
"Nathan Wicket leaves farm to donkey.
" I knew them.
They were very close.
- Hey, the baby said a whole sentence.
- [Hawkeye.]
What'd she say? "Boo da be babba.
" The kid is brilliant.
Peggy says it means, "I've had enough strained apricots and wish to take my nap now.
" You didn't have to explain it.
Get this.
"Lyle Brown, local fisherman "suffers double hernia pulling in lobster traps.
"Eight lobsters escaped during the disaster.
Lyle told reporters, 'They haven't seen the last of me.
"' - Hey, Frank's letter is open.
- Oh, yeah.
It was an accident.
I was boiling some water for Colonel Potter's tea while I was sorting mail, and it come open.
- Steam will do that.
- It was an accident.
Honest.
What did it accidentally say? Are you kidding? I'm no sneak.
- I'm not a spy.
- It's okay to be an American spy.
Right.
Good guys can do anything rotten.
- His wife wants a divorce.
- Oh, wow.
- Hey, this is big stuff, Radar.
- Yeah.
Some officer was passing through here.
Anyway, he meets Louise back home see, that's Mrs.
Major Burns and he spills the beans about him and Major Houlihan.
- Frank will blow his brains out.
- If he can find a peashooter.
- Well, won't this make him happy? - Mm-mmm.
No, now he's free to marry Major Houlihan.
Radar, Major Burns doesn't want to leave mommy.
There's a 10,000-mile umbilical cord between here and Indiana.
I don't understand that.
- The telephone company puts it on your bill.
- Oh.
What are you doing here in officers' country? Just delivering the mail, sir.
Well, then deliver it and get lost, you little drip.
I was talking to the guys.
The guys.
The guys? I am Major Burns.
This is Captain Pierce.
That is Captain Hunnicutt.
We are not guys.
- I thought I was.
- Get out! Yes, sir.
You do not salute inside! Just in case I don't see you outside, sir.
Blow! - Why must you encourage him, huh? - We like Radar, Frank.
- He's soft and cuddly.
- And almost housebroken.
How is he ever going to learn his place if you keep letting him think he's an equal, huh? Tsk.
This letter is open.
- Humidity.
- Steam will do that.
- Everything okay at home, Frank? - Uh, fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The, uh, crabgrass is in bloom and the cat had puppies.
Hmm.
The sardine cannery burned down.
"The last structure in town designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.
" The paper say anything about snow? Frank.
It came.
It came.
The fatigues from Hollywood.
- Oh, oh.
- You naughty thing.
- Not now, Margaret.
- I want to show it to you.
- I must use the phone.
- You have feathers in your hair.
- It's a scalp condition.
- Frank, what's wrong? Something dreadful's happened.
I've got to call home.
Oh, Lord.
Is someone dying? If only it was that unimportant.
Okay.
Sir, your daughter-in-law isn't at Mercy Hospital.
- Did you call my son's home? - Yes, sir, but I just got his answering service.
They said, uh, "Leave your name and your gum condition.
" - Try that Jewish hospital.
- What's the name, sir? Uh, Holy Moses.
Something like that.
Is my call through to Indiana yet? Not right now, sir.
I got another call going through to Ohio.
Don't give me any snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for.
The Ohio call's mine, Major.
Oh, sir.
L Aaah.
It's just a little joke with Radar here.
I'd watch that dimwit talk.
Your bulb's been out since I met you.
Definitely, sir.
Hello.
Yeah, Seoul? Listen, try that Jewish hospital.
Uh, look under Moses.
- Would that be Bernie Moses, sir? - No first name.
Sir, my call is awfully important.
I have a terrible problem at home.
You're gonna have a problem here if you don't stop shooting off your "bazoo.
" - Yes, sir.
- Sir, your call's going through.
It's plain old Moses Memorial.
Hello? Hello? Colonel Sherman Potter here.
Calling from Korea.
Korea.
Where all the fun is.
- Is there a Jeanine Potter - Sir? Oh, sorry.
Jeanine Potter registered there? Maternity.
- No, no.
Potter, not Potash.
- [Scoffs.]
What? I'll try it.
Thank you.
- They said try City General.
- Right.
City General.
That's where my son was born.
My wife went into labor the minute she heard Valentino died.
- Gee, I hope she's better now, sir.
- Coming along.
- Colonel Potter.
- What's the matter with you, Burns? You act like you've got termites in your truss.
Hello? Hello? - Can I talk to you in your office, sir? - Well, make it snappy.
I'm a grandfather and don't even know it.
All right, Burns, spit it out.
- It's, uh, my wife, sir.
- Speak up, Burns.
I've got to call home.
My wife's very upset.
She misses me terribly and-and wants a divorce.
She got another stallion in the paddock? Oh, heaven forbid.
No, she worships the ground I walk on.
- Who told you that? - My mother.
"Daring Robbery.
"Saturday night last, the home of Mr.
And Mrs.
Marshall Staggs "popular local welding team, was burglarized.
"The Staggs had driven over to Morgansville "to get new nipples for their acetylene tank.
"Stolen were the following items "Mr.
Staggs's World War II discharge button "which was in the lapel of his synthetic banker's-gray flannel suit "Mrs.
Staggs's entire collection of glass paperweights "including one, when shaken, produces a snowstorm falling on a coyote "poised to eat a woodpecker a set of porcelain his-and-her shavings mugs" Shavings mugs.
Shaving Shaving mug.
Shavings mug.
No, that "and several items of Mrs.
Staggs's clothing.
" Page, uh, four.
Here, here it is.
"A wetted silk cocktail frock "a synthetic camel's hair topcoat "three house dresses, four pairs of shoes "and Mrs.
Staggs's wedding gown.
"Police Chief Baylor states 'I believe this to be the work of roving transvestites.
"' And people say nothing exciting ever happens in Crabapple Cove.
Sir, I found your daughter-in-law.
She's at City General.
- What about the baby? What is it? - I can't get another line through for two hours.
There's only one operator on duty in Seoul because of the parade.
- What parade? - Syngman Rhee was just elected dictator again.
- Keep after 'em, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, you're supposed to knock.
In my grief, do I know what I'm doing? Colonel, do you want to see Corporal Klinger? Might as well.
I probably won't be going to the Easter parade.
Don't upset him.
- What now, Klinger? - Don't ask.
- Then shove off.
- Ask.
- All right, what is it? - Tragedy has struck my family, sir.
- I have a letter here from my mother.
- And? It is about the tragedy, sir.
Here is the tragedy.
My two brothers, Maurice and Hakim died in an explosion of the boiler at the Toledo Harmonica Company.
Two brothers? That's rough.
- My heart's in pieces.
- Older brothers? I was the baby.
Hakim would bathe me.
Maurice would nurse me.
So, according to the Selective Service Act subsection 31 -B paragraph six, small A, tragedy-wise as sole remaining son I'm entitled to immediate discharge from this the United States of America Army.
While you process it, I'll pack.
- Yo! - Question, Sherm? - Sherm? - I was overcome by a wave of civilianism.
First of all, this is in your handwriting.
I translated my mother's letter, sir.
It was in Lebanese.
- Let me see it.
- I burned it.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's part of a religious ceremony.
Held when two brothers die in a harmonica factory.
Or a camel race.
Whatever.
Klinger, this is your personal record.
Yes, sir.
- You have no brothers.
- Whoever said that was lying.
- You said that.
- Right.
I was lying, sir.
They were in the country illegal.
Ah, they, they lived under the front porch.
We fed them through the cracks.
And now they're dead.
- Klinger, you've got to live before you die.
- Oh, you said a mouthful, sir.
And they never did.
You made this whole thing up.
- How can you tell? - I know you.
Every time you tell a lie your nose gets smaller.
- Dismissed.
- I'll be back.
I'll be here.
- They're kidding.
- What? "Chick Siddons reports the loss of several calves.
They weren't branded, but one of them was wearing a gray felt hat.
" - A calf wearing a gray felt hat? - Just for downtown.
Must you bore everyone with that dull, hometown news? Dull? Listen to this.
"Noel Coward, Cole Porter and Marlene Dietrich "were seen dining at Eddie's Bar and Grill on Route Six.
"Cole Porter was heard to say 'Eddie, this boiled catfish is a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
"' Oh, stop it! Just stop it! You know, when you're mad, you're ugly.
I heard that smirk! How would you like to be confined to your bed for a week? Anywhere she goes, I go with her.
Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home? - There's a crisis.
- Hurricane named Louise.
I'd love to tap into that conversation.
I'd like to be a mouse with earphones.
Oh, you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you? Can I slip into something comfy first? - We're through to Indiana, Major.
- Well, it's about time! - I went as fast as I could, sir.
- Oh, it's all right.
I'm very grateful, Corporal.
- I'm really not a bad person, you know? - Yeah, I heard that once, sir.
I've got terrific pressures on me.
- Always have.
- Yes, sir.
My mother and father never got divorced.
I'd have done much better coming from a broken home.
- [Clicking.]
- Ooh.
- Now what? - It'll be just a minute, sir.
- Hey, Klinger, when am I gonna see my home movies? - Ready when you are, C.
B.
This is a private phone call.
Have you dug the new latrine? Yes, sir.
It's beautiful.
A hole to remember.
Sir, your home phone is ringing.
Louise? Louise, can you hear me? Huh? Well, it's me.
Frank.
- Frank Burns.
- Frank Burns.
Can you hold on a minute, sugar? Huh? Go peddle your fish! His old lady heard about Major Houlihan, huh? Yeah.
Just when he bought her some underwear you don't even need a girl for.
No kidding? Come on.
Give me a hand with the projector.
Hey, watch it, will ya? - Why my phone? - Sir, I give so much and ask for so little.
My wife's on the phone right this minute and I'd like to talk to her privately.
All right.
All right.
Shake a leg.
- And don't get the phone all sweaty.
- I'll try, sir.
I'm back, Louise.
Right here.
Listen, sugar, I just got your letter and, honey, sugar, I can't believe it.
I just can't, you know, believe it.
Darling, you know that the moment I met you I lost all interest in women.
Now, Louise, please.
No, no, you must listen to me.
I don't care what your mother said.
I don't care what she told you about me.
No, no.
Now, please Huh? Houlihan? Well, we have a Major Houlihan.
But that's laughable.
I mean, hah.
Major Houlihan's an old war horse! [Laughing.]
I don't care what Chuck told you! Attractive? Houlihan? She looks like an Army mule with bosoms.
Well, not that I ever noticed.
Now, wait, wait, wait! Louise? Honey? I can't live without you.
Oh If you divorce me, I'll do myself an injury.
I'll run right out into the middle of the war! Oh, please! Sugar.
Well, who wouldn't cry? Jiminy Cricket.
Your picture's in my wallet, and I'm sitting on it.
And if that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's my sugar.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll write you a long letter right away.
And you get rid of that lawyer.
Oh, Louise.
Am I still in your father's will, huh? [Chuckles.]
Good.
Well, darling, they're gonna cut us off.
Yeah.
I love you, angel.
Only you.
[Kissing.]
[Chuckling.]
War horse? Army mule? - Margaret.
- Stuff it! Margaret! I had to say those things.
Try to understand.
- Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk! - Margaret, please.
Remove your hand, or I'll zap you with my knee! Margaret.
I had to lie.
The stocks and the house are in her name.
Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno? We can have some hot toddies, and you can put on your new nightie.
You put on my new nightie.
! - Forty-five dollars.
- Sold.
Are alterations included? Oh, go practice your putts.
[Hawkeye.]
What is this, Radar, "How to Make Vaseline in Combat"? - It's a home movie, sir.
- [B.
J.
.]
"How to Make Vaseline at Home.
" No, it's Sunday dinner at Ottumwa, Iowa.
My Uncle Ed took 'em.
- My mother's in there and everything.
- Ready to roll.
Everybody here? Hawkeye, B.
J.
, me, Klinger, Radar? Let's go.
Oh, and Father Mulcahy.
I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
I'm often mistaken for being absent.
- [Radar.]
Hey, focus it.
- I'm focusing.
That's my mother and my dog Ranger.
That's my Uncle David.
Oh, that's my cousin, uh, Millie and my Uncle Bill.
Hi.
[Radar.]
I love you, Walter.
- Gee, Dad, talkies.
- [Mulcahy.]
Who's Walter? - That's my given name.
- Give it back.
[Klinger.]
What are they doing? - [Radar.]
They're doing that 'cause I'm in the army.
- [B.
J.
.]
Since when? [All Laughing.]
[Mulcahy.]
Radar, who's that man in the dark suit? - That's my Uncle Bill.
- [Mulcahy.]
Is he a clergyman? Uh, he wanted to be, but he couldn't find a good corner.
[All Laughing.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Oh, look at that food.
! - [B.
J.
.]
Oh, chocolate cake.
! - Yeah, my mom makes great chocolate cake.
- [Hawkeye.]
Look at that milk.
[Klinger.]
I'd eat those flowers.
- [Mulcahy.]
Lovely table.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's in that bowl, Radar? Oh, that fruit salad with those little marshmallows.
- What do they call that? - That fruit salad with those little marshmallows.
- Right.
- [Mulcahy.]
Quiet for the grace.
[Radar.]
Thank you for the world so sweet, thank you for the food we eat.
Thank you for the birds that sing, thank you, God, for everything.
[Mulcahy.]
Lovely.
[Hawkeye.]
Oh, look at the buns.
! Look at the buns.
! - [B.
J.
.]
Oh.
- [Radar.]
Yeah.
- [B.
J.
.]
Did your mother make those? - Yeah.
They smell great too.
- [Hawkeye.]
I know.
I can smell them.
- This is my cousin Millie.
- She runs a charm school.
- Charm school? [Radar.]
No kidding.
A charm school and gas station.
[All Laughing.]
Hey, watch this guy.
That's my Uncle David.
Watch him now.
Watch.
- [B.
J.
.]
The one with the sense ofhumor.
- Yeah.
I told you about him.
He can do binoculars with corn on the cob salt and pepper shakers and toilet paper rolls.
[Hawkeye.]
A meal in itself.
That's my mom and Ranger again.
- [Hawkeye.]
You know, you look a lot like Ranger.
- We grew up together.
[Radar.]
Gee.
Oh, I think it's gonna rain.
[Potter.]
Either that or it's a two-pound robin.
- What was that, sir? - Later.
[Hawkeye.]
She's gonna put the flowers back in the ground.
That's my Aunt Emily too.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's this? - Oh, I think they're going in to listen to the radio.
- [B.
J.
.]
Jack Benny.
- Fred Allen.
- Bishop Sheen.
- "The Shadow knows.
" ## [Hums.]
Bye, Uncle Dave.
Oh, there's my sled.
That's my cousin Jimmy.
Hejust started wearing those glasses.
Bye again, Ranger.
[No Audible Dialogue.]
So long, Mrs.
O'Reilly.
- [Potter.]
Nice pictures, Radar.
- Thank you, sir.
- [Potter.]
Radar? - [Phone Rings.]
I'll get it.
Radar certainly bears a striking resemblance to his mother.
Well, he is wearing her genes.
Sir, it's Ohio! Your son! Son, Dad.
Well, what's the big news? The 23rd, 81/2 pounds.
And what's his name? Cheryl? Sherry? My grandson's a girl.
Oh, heck no, I'm not disappointed.
How's Jeanine? You give that soldier a big kiss.
Is Mother pleased? Oh, can I talk Oh, phooey.
[Blowing.]
- You too? - I lost the baby pool.
- Bless my soul.
I won.
- A little inside information, Father? No, not at all.
I just know a little bit more about conceptions.
[Hawkeye.]
Lieutenant Kellye, that cigar is you.
To Sherry Pershing Potter, my granddaughter.
- A long and happy hitch.
- [All.]
Hear! Hear! Here we go.
Reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa.
Klinger, where'd you get that negligee? - I found it in the garbage.
- War is such a waste.
Klinger, it's you.
# Let me call you sweetheart # [All.]
# I'm in love with you ##