M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e02 Episode Script

[Bleating.]
[Bleating.]
- Four, please.
- [Bleating.]
Here you go.
Be careful now.
It's real hot.
- That-a-boy.
Sorry, ma'am.
- [Bleating.]
- [Phone Rings.]
- O-O-Okay.
I gotta I gotta answer the - Thank you.
- [Ringing Continues.]
I'm comin'.
Hold your horses.
Ahh.
[Ringing.]
MASH 4077, Corporal O'Reilly.
Tokyo? I can't hear ya! Wait a minute.
[Whistling.]
Major Houlihan? Oh, I'm sorry about that.
It clears the static.
Yes, ma'am.
I'll get Colonel Potter right away.
- Here you go, sir.
Three lumps, four squirts.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Tokyo, sir.
Major Houlihan.
- Ah, yes.
- Potter here.
Hello, Major.
How's it going? - ## [Big Band.]
- ##[Big Band Continues.]
- I've been up and down on a merry-go-round since I got here.
- I've hardly slept a wink.
- Well, war is hell.
What about the medical follow-up you were sent there for? Oh, Colonel, I've checked on the progress of numerous patients operated on at the 4077 th and I have significant recommendations to recommend.
- Commendable.
- [Music, Chattering.]
What's all that caterwauling I hear? I'm at the Zen Bar and Grill, sir.
General Tumwater is giving a small celebration.
Trevanian Tumwater? Worst toupee in the Asian theater of operations, right? [Laughing.]
That's him.
The truth is, Colonel, I have some wonderful news.
- Must be pretty big if old Throw Rug is there.
- Oh, Colonel it's not just big, it's great big, with whipped cream.
- Whipped cream.
- And a cherry on top.
- And a cherry.
- But I must tell you all in person.
- You don't trust me, Major? - Yes, sir.
I mean, no, sir.
Of course [Laughing.]
Of course I don't not trust you.
But the phones do have ears.
- Very well.
Report to me upon arrival.
- Yes, sir.
- And, Major? - Yes? Try and cheer up.
Oh, and, Radar, bring some sugar.
Coffee's on the bitter side.
Oh, right away, sir.
Holy buckwheat.
- [Man.]
Clamp.
- [B.
J.
.]
She didn't even give you a clue, Colonel? Maybe she said it backwards or every other word.
[Potter.]
Nada.
She just said we'd all be delighted.
Hemostat.
[B.
J.
.]
Whatever it is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest.
- I heard that! - [Hawkeye.]
Frank's right.
You shouldn't mention Hot Lips's chest when it's not here to stand up for itself.
Four-oh silk.
[Potter.]
It seems Tumwater himself was throwing a do at the Zen Bar to celebrate.
Margaret and I both rub shoulders with some pretty big brass.
Not to mention each other.
[B.
J.
.]
Could be war news, maybe even peace news.
We're always the last to hear.
We'll wake up one morning and find a note pinned to Korea.
Pacifist Pollyannas.
Can't you read the handwriting in the wind? - You know something we don't? - Well, it's no mystery that I'm up for promotion.
From Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon.
Yukkedy-yuk-yuk.
Margaret is recommending me for lieutenant-colonelcy.
And that translates into bucks after the war.
Thank you, Daddy Warbucks.
I'm finished here.
- [Frank.]
What are you looking at? - You finished already? You missed all the fun, snoop.
I'm closing.
You took out part of a man's large intestine without exteriorizing it? - I've learned some shortcuts, buster.
- A dumb shortcut, Frank.
- You're inviting infection.
- Colonel! You know the procedure, Burns.
Exteriorize.
- For your information, I've never had any complaints.
- Dead men tell no tales.
- Thirty-eight cents says you don't make it.
- You're on.
- Tricky course.
- Same thing happened to the guy who invented Orange Crush.
I told you we should've played with watermelons.
Margaret.
[Chuckles.]
The fighting 4077.
Somehow it's not the same place I left.
- You've been gone a while.
It's a Howard Johnson's now.
- Oh.
[Giggles.]
Driver, take this jeep down to the stalls and give it a good rubdown.
Ohh.
I understand you brought good news from Tokyo.
Oh, B.
J.
, Hawkeye, it's too good to be true.
- Then it can't be Frank's promotion.
- No.
- Frank's demotion? - [Laughing.]
Silly.
It's the best of all possible "newses.
" Now do you know? - How best? The Big Ben best? - Uh-huh.
- The best-dressed best? - Uh-huh! - The war's over.
- Think big! - Margaret, we give up.
- Okay.
Okay, sit down.
- Okay.
- Sit down.
- Sitting.
- Here it comes.
I'm engaged to be married.
- Yeah? That's it? - Uh-huh? That's the big news? [Laughs.]
Oh, silly, the ring! What ring? Oh, there is a ring there.
- That must have cost a pretty penny.
- At least.
I know the diamond's not so big.
It's a family heirloom.
- Must be a small family.
- I think it's in excellent taste.
Listen, who wants a pushy ring? - Oh, they're rich, but they try not to flaunt it.
- They're succeeding.
Congratulations.
I betcha Frank would be interested in this.
- You think so? - Don't say a word.
I want to tell him myself.
- I know he'll be thrilled for me.
- He'll be out of his mind.
- [Laughs.]
I know.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
That's better.
- [Chuckles.]
Ah, very uh, hmm.
I keep pinching myself to see if I'm dreaming.
You'll give yourself a black-and-blue mark.
My aunt got one at a Little League game.
Foul ball hit her in the shoulder blood clot went to her brain, next day she keeled over in her bean salad.
Colonel, he's everything I asked for when you dressed up as Santa last Christmas Virile, broad in the shoulders, straight in the back.
He sleeps on a bare piece of plywood.
- Back trouble? - Not that I noticed.
He's a West Pointer.
He calls me his little plebe.
[Giggles.]
Here's his picture.
- Donald Penobscott.
- Fine specimen.
- Who's the gal with him? - I think she's a cousin.
Oh.
Close family.
Lieutenant colonel, huh? Oh, yes.
I couldn't love anyone who didn't outrank me.
Major, may I ask you something, not as your C.
O - but as a friend with a lot of hash marks? - Certainly, Colonel.
Are you sure you're not rushing into this in the heat of whatever heat you may be in? Donald is considerate, brave and so generous.
He paid for that shower curtain out of his own pocket and it wasn't even our fault when it ripped.
Nothing new under the sun, Major.
About my follow-up report, sir Uh, some of our procedures need improvement.
I'll call a staff meeting right away.
And congratulations, Major.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- How's Major Burns taking the good news? - I haven't told him yet.
- I have a suggestion.
Break it to him over a cup of phenobarb.
- [Laughs.]
- I'm not kidding.
[Chuckles.]
Well, Dr.
Smarty-Pants I'll have you know my patient is making a rapid recovery.
- Well, that's one.
- Give me that Bible.
And keep your hands off it.
This came from an expensive curio shop at the Indianapolis Speedway.
I was only looking at the centerfold.
Funny how it fell open to Sodom and Gomorrah.
I have better things to do than to chew the fat with you two.
- He knows she's back.
- This old cowboy ain't gonna be lonesome tonight.
[Clucking Tune.]
[Clucking Continues.]
Uh, Frank, have you talked with Annie Oakley yet? If you're referring to Major Houlihan I'm gonna let her surprise me with my promotion.
[Chuckles.]
- Weren't you a Boy Scout? - Yes, I was.
Later, I was scoutmaster.
Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.
Not true.
That was a drill.
- You remember their motto? - Uh, "Be Prepared"? Frank Burns was never caught with his pants down.
Good, Frank.
Because in the middle of a war - there are all kinds of pain and suffering.
- Have you noticed that? Oh, sure.
But we're doctors.
We're trained to ignore people's pain.
Frank, sometimes you have to expect the worst.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention! All doctor personnel are to personally report to the Mess Tent.
- Tell 'em Frank Burns is gonna be a little late.
- [Popping.]
He's busy tuning his face.
- Frank - Now what? Never mind.
It'll keep.
Hence and furthermore the progress of a patient in Tokyo depends on the quality of care - that befalls upon him right here.
- Ohh.
One of the great public speakers of our time.
- My student council could have used someone like her.
- Mine did.
Thank you for that informative report, Major.
Floor is now open for questions.
- Pierce? - What's the capital of South Dakota? - Ha, ha, ha.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- Did I do something funny? - [Hawkeye.]
I don't know, Frank.
Did you just come from surgery? Major Burns, we're practically finished.
You're late.
Then you'll have to brief me later, Major Houlihan.
You happen to be sitting in my traditional place, Corporal.
- You didn't call dibs.
- Four-eyes.
Is there anything further to report, Major? Yes, Colonel.
About three weeks ago one of our patients a Lieutenant Turvey required emergency surgery in Tokyo.
Apparently, the MASH surgeon removed part of the colon without exteriorizing.
The patient later developed peritonitis.
And which of us was responsible for that? - Oh, it was Major Burns, sir.
- Well, that's one on me.
- He's certainly being a good sport about it.
- I'd say.
- What do you have to say for yourself, Burns? - Exteriorizing takes time.
I'm a busy man.
I've got things to do.
I'm sorry.
- Major Burns, he nearly died.
- Well, I said I'm sorry.
You don't have to make a federal case out of it.
From now on, it's strictly by the book.
This happens again, it goes on your record.
Okay.
I thought this was going to be a fun meeting.
Dismissed.
Let's go in the den and watch TV.
[Frank.]
Oh, Margaret, I could hardly contain myself.
- When's my promotion coming through? - You're not getting promoted.
- I'm not? - No.
- What about the good news? - Look.
- What? - Look! Look.
- Is there a bee on me? - Frank, I'm showing you my engagement ring.
- What? - I'm going to be married.
Get ready to duck.
He's liable to explode.
Do you like it, Frank? What do you think? - I think it's lovely.
- Really? Have I ever lied to you? Congratulations.
- Oh, I'm so happy, Frank.
- If you're happy, I'm happy.
Well, that worked out all right.
- [Potter.]
How's Burns taking it? - Pretty hard.
He was clucking like a chicken last night.
- [Potter.]
That's not so bad.
- [B.
J.
.]
Nine straight hours? [Potter.]
Well, we can use the eggs.
I pity the first enlisted man he sees.
- [Hawkeye.]
He'll eat him alive.
- Colonel.
B.
J.
Hawkeye.
- Colonel.
B.
J.
- What about me, Frank? - Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
- [Potter.]
Keep an eye on him in O.
R.
A lot of pressure on his cork.
I think he's ready to pop.
I'll see that he gets the kiddie scalpel, the one with the rubber blade.
Hey, B.
J.
? Hawkeye? I got penicillin from the guy at the regular price.
- It's all good stuff too.
Look at that.
- Just a second.
Black market, huh? Regular price, huh? - Yes, sir.
- Good work, soldier.
You may have saved lives.
- He touched me.
- You wanna press charges? Corporal, if you need a job after the war, look me up in Fort Wayne.
You mean come over to your house and sit on the sofa and stuff? We have covers.
Frank had his family wrapped in plastic before he left.
What kind of a job would that be, sir? My nephew owns a chain of pet mortuaries.
Plenty of work if you like animals.
Uh, uh, no thank you, sir.
I think death gives me a rash.
[Margaret.]
And what a physique.
Shoulders like this.
Dancer's legs and a cute little behind.
[Hawkeye.]
That can be cured nowadays with a tushy transplant.
[Giggles.]
"Tushy transplant.
" He's got medals all over his chest.
Must be tough to get his shirt on.
A wimp, he is not.
He's all man.
Some salt, please, for Frank's wounds, compliments of Major Houlihan.
Captain Pierce, must you comment on everything I say? - Do you have to keep babbling about your tin soldier? - Oh, let her babble, Pierce.
- I will brook no babbling.
- It happens only once in a lifetime.
I need some extra help here.
Major Houlihan? Certainly.
Why, Major Burns, you're exteriorizing the wound.
It's the least I can do, Margaret.
Hold your finger right there.
- Good.
Best hands in Korea.
- Thank you, Major.
- So, this Penobsnott's - Penobscott.
- Penobscott.
He's a West Pointer? - Finished 203rd in a class of 600.
- Really? - He's brilliant.
[Screams.]
- What is it? - You stabbed me! - Come on.
Hold still.
Hold still.
- That sadist.
- He did it on purpose.
- Yeah, well, if he hadn't, I would've.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you have the sensitivity of a Sherman tank.
Talking about that guy in front of Frank is a swift kick in his ego - a target one can hardly miss.
- He's a grown man, isn't he? - Semi.
[Yells.]
- Something wrong? You did that on purpose.
You can take it.
You're a grown woman semi.
Since when have you ever given two hoots about Frank Burns? It's only one hoot.
I just started.
You've given him a few swift kicks yourself.
Yeah.
But never when he was down only when he wasn't looking.
I still have feelings for the man.
I'll always have a soft spot for a real patriot.
But when I can have Adonis, why bother with Pinocchio? When I can have hewn oak, why do I need stucco? When I can have knockwurst, why settle for a Cocktail frank? - [Margaret.]
Who's there? - Open the door and let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff - Come in, Frank.
- You're supposed to say "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.
" Frank, there'll be no more chinny-chin-chin, or any other part of me.
- Oh, of course not.
- Let's face it, Frank.
We're finished.
With Donald, I'll be able to pursue my army career and have what every woman wants a home, children, a washer-dryer.
I wish only the best for you, Margaret.
I came to apologize for that mishap.
Sex is out, Frank.
I love Donald.
Sex? I have no desire to infringe on your already-spoken-for fringes.
Good.
If I've misjudged you, I'm sorry.
Oh.
When I heard you were engaged I sat down and did some hard thinking.
And there, printed right on the paper was the answer lawn mowers.
- You lost me, Frank.
- Lawn mowers, Margaret.
That's what this war is all about.
The smell of fresh-cut grass on a hot summer's day girls with straight, white teeth freckle-faced kids in striped T-shirts.
Oh, Frank, when you talk like that, l-I could May I give the bride a peck on the beak? I don't think it would weaken the war effort.
- Frank, you moved your lips! - Sorry, Margaret, they slipped.
- I think you'd better go! - Just one more.
- Let me go! I'm an engaged person! - Now we can cheat together! Let go of me! - What has he got that I haven't got? - Lips.
- Lips aren't everything.
- Don't! I'll tell Donald! - He'll grind you into soap flakes! - Say "grind" again! - Oh, stop that! - But I have drives.
- I'll give you a drive.
- Ahh.
No fair hitting, Margaret.
Attacking a poor, defenseless woman like that! What kind of a coward are you? - Coward? You call me a coward? - That's right! Coward? I'll show you! Blood 'n guts Burns.
[Yells.]
[Yelling.]
[Pin Clatters On Ground.]
Oh.
Oh.
[Giggles.]
It's 7:30.
Where's Burns? Having paternal feelings? Now I know how Dad felt the night of my prom.
When you were out breaking in your first debauch? The hardest part was explaining the beach sand in my tuxedo pants.
Maybe Needle-Face left a note.
No telling what he'll do.
- Uh-oh.
- What is it? - He took his gun and his toothbrush.
- Shooting his mouth off again.
Uh, I think you sirs oughta, uh, come outside.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three Company, halt.
Halt! Did you hear me? Major Burns presenting prisoners of war to be interrogated, sir! - War prisoners? - A band of enemy guerrillas for questioning, sir.
- Guerillas? - They tried to trick me.
Masquerading as a Korean family having a meal.
- Oh, that old ploy.
What tipped you off, Frank? - They're not so clever.
They looked a little too much like a Korean family eating a meal.
- Midgets, right? - Check.
And the ox is a radio.
- Radar, see if they need medical attention.
- These people look hungry.
- Get them a good meal, some extra provisions.
Right away.
- I think they need clothes too.
Burns, I want you in my office.
Pierce and Hunnicutt, I'd like you to be there too.
So you lost the gal.
That's happened to all of us.
No reason to turn into Sergeant York.
I haven't given her a thought since I stabbed her.
- Will you sit down? - No.
I prefer to remain alert and ready.
Frank, you're exhausted.
You haven't slept in 48 hours.
[Potter.]
Bringing in that Korean family.
Why did you let them go? There could have been a medal in it for me.
Son, heroics just get people killed.
They don't impress anybody.
Audie Murphy was turned down twice in one day, once by Miss Fresno.
- That's because he was short.
- [Potter.]
Major, pull in your reins.
- You're heading for a Section Eight.
- Section Eight? - Put the rifle down, Frank.
- I'll take it, Frank.
- Stay away from me, the three of you.
- Okay, Frank.
- [Potter.]
Take it easy now.
- Um, there's a phone call for Major Burns.
- Who is it? - I don't know, sir.
It's long distance.
I wonder who that could be.
Um, I'll keep an eye on them for you, Major.
Hello.
This is Major Frank Burns.
Who's this? Mommy who? Oh, my mommy.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I'm fine, Mom.
No, I'm not.
Well, nobody likes me here, you know, as usual.
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, you see, I had this friend and this friend, um, well, just pretended to like me, you know the way Dad used to.
[Chuckles.]
- He's crying.
- Catharsis.
- Gesundheit.
- Phone call couldn't have come at a better time, Radar.
- Nice work, Radar.
- Thanks.
I figured sometimes a guy's just gotta talk to his mom.
Well, you're right, Mom.
What do I care? I can always find a new friend.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
I am kinda sleepy.
- Nighty-night.
- [Phone Clatters On Floor.]
Look at that pussycat.
- Can you get him back to the Swamp? - Do we have a choice? Come on, Frankie.
Time for beddie-bye.
[Mumbling.]
Mom, can I have a glass of water? Sure, Frankie.
And if you're a good boy Mom will read you another chapter about Eeyore and Piglet.
- And Tigger? - Yeah, Tigger and Pooh, all your favorites.
Donald has these enormous arms.
And he has the tattoo of a Sherman tank on his right bicep.
And he flexes this muscle, and the tank keeps getting bigger and bigger.
- The Princess of Tact is at it again.
- Miss Sensitivity.
[Margaret Laughing.]
I just get so excited talking about him.
- Oh, good morning, Major Houlihan.
- Good morning, Major Burns.
- Good morning, Princess.
- Morning.
Listen, Pierce, why don't you and I go out on the town tonight, hmm? Well, this is so sudden, Frank.
I don't have anything to wear.
Get a couple of nurses, go over to Rosie's Bar, have a little fun.
- Sounds good to me.
- There's this little redheaded nurse who's had her eye on me.
And tonight, her wish will come true.
[Giggles.]
- Do you mean that new girl with the freckles on her nose? - Yes, that's the one.
She's a little young for you, isn't she, Major Burns? Oh, I don't know.
I thought a little youth might be nice for a change.
I think the convoy just took a direct hit.
If you'll excuse me, I'll just go finish my letter.
You need any help holding up your pen? I really got her on that one, didn't I? [Laughing.]