M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e11 Episode Script

All right.
Spread out.
Spread out.
Ferguson, Rich! Don't sit on top of each other.
You know, Rich, if we were in a telephone booth the sarge'd still tell us to spread out.
[ Man .]
So take a couple giant steps, Fergy.
- [ Incoming Shells .]
- Incoming! Hit the dirt! [ Men Shouting .]
- [ Machine Gun Firing .]
- [ Man .]
Rich.
! - [ Man Coughing .]
- Rich,you okay? [ Shouting Continues .]
[ Man Gagging .]
Medic! Medic! Don't try and talk, Rich.
You're hit there.
Medic! Damn it, Medic! Easy, Rich.
Easy.
- Where you been? - What have we got? He took some stuff in his neck.
He's bleeding.
Okay.
Take it easy.
Litter! You're gonna be all right, fella.
We'll get you out of here.
Let's get him out.
Hold his head.
Okay.
Move.
Things'll bounce a bit, so hold on.
Let's go! - Okay, let's lift him.
- [ Man .]
Got him.
Go, go, go.
! [ Men Chattering .]
They'll fix you up at MASH.
Don't you worry.
- All right.
! Let's move it out.
! - You're on your way now, Rich.
First-class seat on one of them choppers.
- Keep in touch, eh, punk? - Let's go! See you sometime.
Low bridge! Watch out! I need a pair of hands here.
How ya doin', partner? You got a reservation? - Okay, sir.
I'll take this end.
- pretty big guy, Radar.
That's okay.
Just don't take any of those giant steps of yours.
All right.
One, two, three, up.
! - Oh.
! You got it? - Holy cow! - Let's go, people.
Move it, move it, move it! - I'm moving, sir! - What are you two, out for a stroll? - Sir, he kinda weighs a ton.
I don't care what he weighs.
Just pick up the damn pace! Klinger, come on.
Give me some help here.
[ BJ.
.]
He certainly got up on the wrong side of the bedlam.
One beast of burden coming up.
Okay.
Okay, pal.
Take it easy.
Have a nice ride down.
Enjoy the view.
- We'll leave the top down.
- All aboard the Toledo Express! Nonstop to pre-op at a lightning speed of five miles an hour.
- He's just kidding.
- Ah, come on! - Come on! - [ Engine Starts .]
It works! See? I told you.
Not a thing to worry about.
Oh, hi.
I'm Corporal O'Reilly, the company clerk.
They call me Radar.
Only that's not my real name.
They just use it like it was.
Uh, listen, if it's okay with you, I gotta take your valuables here.
But don't worry about 'em.
They'll be in a real safe safe.
Only me and Colonel Potter know the combination.
Oh, I think Major Houlihan knows it too.
And I think maybe Captain Pierce, and he probably told Captain Hunnicutt.
But don't worry about it, 'cause you can trust us all.
Yeah.
Okay, we're almost there.
Well, listen.
Just relax.
The surgeons here are the best.
I mean, the best.
They're really special guys.
Okay, come on! We need some help here! I'd look up to 'em even if I was tall.
Am I talking too much? Okay.
Now, I know everybody's tellin' ya that you're gonna be okay, but you're really gonna.
So just relax.
Move him out now.
Let's go! [ Radar .]
Easy.
Okay.
He's got a throat injury there.
[ O.
R.
Chatter.]
[ Man .]
Okay, keep 'em comin'.
Keep 'em comin'.
Hold tight.
Doctor'll be along in a second.
Working as fast as we can.
It'll bejust a few more minutes.
Hey, lamb chop.
Hey,you.
Tall, blonde, and hubba-hubba.
- Is there something I can do for you? - Let me count the ways.
- You're wounded, Private.
- Right in the heart.
They're such leches, bless 'em.
Klinger, you clown! How many times have I told you not to wear that flowing stuff in here? I never wear this during the day, sir, but, I don't know, I had a whim.
Then ""whim'' it off and get into fatigues! I'm tired of lookin' at ya.
- Then please, fire me.
- Move! - Moving, sir.
Moving.
- [ Fabric Tears .]
Hey.
Rich.
Rich, is that you? Hiya, buddy! Well, the sarge warned us to spread out, didn't he, huh? - Well, how ya doin'? - [ Coughing .]
You don't have to talk.
I got it in the leg and boy, did it hurt for a while but they gave me a shot.
- It don't look too bad, huh? - No, no.
The whole blood is over here for him.
Bring a unit for me.
Straight up.
No ice.
Hi, there.
I'm Captain Pierce.
What do you think of me so far? Okay, now just relax.
I only want to look under your bandage.
Army regulations.
You could be hiding a jeep.
- Hey, Beej? - Yeah.
You got a second? Come here.
Take a look at this.
Oh, yeah.
We've already met.
I pulled him off the chopper.
Step into my office.
Don't worry.
We really are doctors.
- [ Indistinct Chatter.]
- [ Coughing .]
Ah! Right! We were talking about you.
Okay, what I have to do is get the shrapnel out of your neck.
Then I'm gonna put a tube in so you can breathe easier.
If you want to brag about this to the folks at home, it's called a tracheostomy.
And after the swelling goes down, your-- your voice should come back.
I know what you're thinking-- ""This guy looks like he couldn't even fix a bicycle tire.
'' Well, I can't, but I'm gonna get you through this.
You wait and see.
Hello.
Private Rich.
I'm Father Mulcahy.
I'll be your spiritual leader for the next few days.
I see you're a Protestant.
Well, no problem.
I'm familiar with the procedures of most of the current denominations although I'm a little inhibited when it comes to the Southern Baptist service.
It's so frenetic and forceful.
Bit of a stretch for me but then, that's my problem.
Well,just close your eyes, rest easy and remember, He's watching over you.
and remember, He's watching over you.
Hey, fellow, we're gonna take a quick X-ray.
What's your good side? Makes no difference.
This camera sees right through you.
Raise your head, please.
You know, as much as I hate the army, at least they taught me how to use one of these.
Could be I'll make it my profession.
With all the hoods in Toledo swallowing watches and jewelry there's a big need for experts in this field.
[ potter .]
Damn it, Klinger.
! What's keeping you? - I got doctors here without X-rays.
- Coming, sir.
Never rush an artist.
Boy, what's with him lately? He really loves me though.
He must.
Why else would he keep me here? Uh,just hold still.
Think ""cheese.
'' Chin up! Okay, guys.
Okay, let's go.
Move it.
I got the whole senior class to do.
Sir, I'll have this developed in no time.
- Tracheostomy here.
- I got dibs.
Gloves, please.
Nurse, more orange juice over here.
Gonna leave some for the rest of us, Charles? I will leave for you exactly what you deserve, Hunnicutt-- the pulp.
Gee, that's great, Charles.
I can start my own newspaper.
Private Rich, glad you could make it.
Let me introduce you to the rest of the band.
On vital signs, Nurse Able.
Workin' the rest of the instruments, Nurse Campbell.
Our wandering minstrel, Major Margaret Houlihan.
And, of course, yours truly, sitting in the conductor's chair.
[ Charles .]
Colonel, why don't we ever have enough orangejuice to get us through these endless sessions? [ potter .]
Drop it,you ding-dong.
- Merely curious.
- Hey.
What's with Colonel Potter? This is definitely not the time to ask for a raise.
Something's gettin' to him.
Okay, Rich, we're going to anesthetize your neck.
You won't feel anything.
- Everybody in their places? -Just hold still and relax.
- Why don't you close your eyes? - [ Garbled Shouting .]
Hey, hey.
Come on.
Come on.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I promise.
Hey, there, Sleeping Beauty.
Who kissed you awake? Nurse Charming? How's it goin'? Oh, yeah.
Can't talk.
Boy, that'd kill me.
How 'bout mine, huh? This hickey ain't enough to get me into the lobby of an evac hospital.
But I'm playin' it up.
Anytime a nurse or doc comes by, I'm in first-class agony.
You watch.
I'll spend the rest of the war lyin' right here.
Oh, by the way, I don't think I ever introduced myself.
Hey, what'd I say? He's just sleeping off the anesthetic.
Well, men,you played a great first half, but if you really expect to score you gotta throw a pass.
Let me show you.
Nurse, meet me in the showers after the game? - Aw, get off it, Hawkeye.
- See what I mean? [ Chuckles .]
Penalty.
Fifteen yards for acting like an idiot.
- Did you hear about Colonel Potter and Radar? - No.
Are they an item now? The colonel chewed him out in the Mess Tent about the daily report or something.
Poor Radar just had to sit there and take it.
Somebody ought to get Potter into O.
R.
and remove that thorn from his paw.
I'd love to know what's bothering him, but I'm afraid to get within 20 feet.
- I know what the problem is.
- Hmm? - Senility.
- Senility? Well, look at the symptoms: chronic irritability difficulty relating to others, uh, self-absorption-- That's not Potter.
That's you.
The only thing wrong with the colonel is every so often he gets sick of the madness, just like the rest of us.
You'll see, Pierce.
Wait'll he forgets how to tie his shoes.
Boy, am I glad you're here, Doc.
This thing's killin' me.
The pain's shootin' through my body.
You think you could've missed something? - Private, I do not miss things.
- [ Groans .]
You have a superficial laceration of the trapezius.
Or, put into words that you could understand you've got a boo-boo on your shoulder.
You can put it back down now.
If there is any pain, it will subside.
By the way that was the worst performance I've ever seen in here.
It lacked sincerity, depth.
You're lucky I stayed through the whole show.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, caught me.
I was just eavesdropping on your condition.
These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one.
Anybody asks you how you're doing, you don't have to answer.
Just show him your chart.
So how ya doin'? Oh, a wise guy, huh? All right, look.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna block off your tube for a second.
I want to see how you're breathing.
No, no, no.
It's not gonna hurt.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- [ Tracheostomy Tube Sucking .]
- Now try to say a few words for me.
- Anything.
- [ Gagging .]
All right.
That's enough.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
But it's still a little swollen.
Give it a chance to come down a little.
Meantime, stay off your throat.
Do me a favor.
Don't sing Pagliacci.
I'll come back and check on you a little later.
Try to get a little sleep.
Hey, kid.
Don't worry.
They take real good care of you here.
[ Margaret .]
private Rich? Private Rich? Good morning.
I came by to change your dressing.
There.
As long as I'm here, how about a nice sponge bath? First we'll loosen your top.
Just relax, Private.
I've done this hundreds of times and no one's ever died of embarrassment.
You see, the technique in giving a sponge bath is never to let the ""bathe-ee'' know that he's being bathed at all.
You just keep looking at him straight in the eye and talking to him at the same time.
Doesn't matter about what just so long as he doesn't notice that he's being sponged and soaped and rinsed off.
And pretty soon, before he's even aware of it he's had his very first sponge bath.
There.
Done.
That wasn't so bad, now was it? Judging by that smile, I'd say no.
Well, Private, if you'll excuse me I have some other patients to attend to.
[ Man .]
Hey, lamb chop.
Bathe me next.
- Sorry.
You're too eager.
- Morning, Major.
Oh, good morning, sir! Oh, Colonel, you look wonderful this morning.
Back to your old self again.
You've got that spunky look in your eyes.
Leave it by the side of the road, Major.
Feel better, sir.
Please.
Good morning, son.
I'm Colonel Potter, the C.
O.
around here.
Pleased to meet ya.
From Texas, aren't ya? I just knew it.
Friendliest boys in the world.
I haven't met a Texan here yet who didn't offer up his hand no matter how many tubes were comin' out of his arm.
I make it a point to meet everyone who passes through the 4077 th.
I hope you'll excuse my not having stopped by before now but, uh, the last few days I've had something on my mind.
- It's been kind of pushin' everything else out and I-- - Colonel Potter.
Just a second, son.
What is it, Klinger? Uh, two things, sir.
First, ""I'' Corps is on the phone with their biweekly paper snafu.
Second, and more important, I had nothing to do with it.
I'd better get on it.
Where's Radar? Anxiously waiting for you in his office, sir.
Just look under his bunk.
Well, speak to you later, son.
If it's General Imbrie, please ask him if he got those flowers I sent him.
Make a hole! That man's been like a father to me.
Just wish he'd let up on the strap though.
Hey, Rich, Captain Pierce said you could go ambulatory.
How'd you like to see the rest of the grounds? Okay.
Hang on.
Lieutenant, would you mind bringing that wheelchair over here, please? We'll go by the Mess Tent, and you'll see how it got its name.
If the trip gets too much for you, let me know and I'll have you home in no time, okay? - All set? - Not exactly a Packard but did you ever try to push a Packard? [ Imitating Jackie Gleason .]
And away we go! I think we should march right into Colonel Potter's office - and demand to know what's bothering him.
- Absolutely right.
When you get back, let me know what he said.
That's the spirit, D'Artagnan.
All for one and one for himself.
- Afternoon, sirs.
- Klinger! - Hey, Rich! - I think the tour of the nurses' shower did him a world of good.
Now you've come in here to look at the seamier side of the war, huh? - Our daily bread is stale again.
- This meat is from the Civil War.
Blue on one side, gray on the other.
Oh, too much for you, huh, kid? Okay, we'll get you home.
Hey, Klinger, you ought to know better than that.
The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person.
Howdy, Texas.
You better remind them to clean up your room.
You're goin' home soon.
Now that you've got that pad, we can finally have a talk.
Which part of the Lone Star state do you hail from? [ Chuckles .]
You don't say.
Got my medical training at Fort Sam Houston.
Good old San Antone.
A bowl of chili down there would keep you alive for days.
- Uh, Colonel, you forgot to sign this chart.
- I didn't forget.
I'll sign it later.
Now shoo! I guess it shows, huh? It's, uh, Mildred, my wife back home.
Lovely girl.
We've been married for 3 5 years as of last Saturday.
Every anniversary, no matter where I am I manage to call her.
Tell her how much I-- Well, you know.
This year-- This year I clean forgot.
My thoughts are so filled with this damn war I forgot her on our most important day.
I just can't forgive myself for missing it.
I'd like to, son.
Even picked up the phone about 20 times.
But there-- There's no excuse for my forgetting.
- I don't know what to say to her.
- Evening, boys.
- Excuse me, Pierce.
- Colonel-- What? What is it? ""Forgo''-- Oh, yeah.
""Forgot''-- What? ""Forgot anni''-- ""Forgot anniversary.
'' Oh, so that's what's been getting under Dr.
Jekyll's hide.
All right, Pierce.
Admit it.
You broke into my footlocker, and you read through my personal diary, didn't you, swine? Charles, in all the times I've broken into your footlocker I have never looked at your diary.
- Then who drew all these disgusting pictures in it? - It's dry reading.
- You need illustrations.
- I've had it with you, Pierce.
- It's two-by-fours at dawn.
- [ Gagging .]
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, Rich.
Take it easy.
- [ Coughing .]
- Something's irritating his airway.
Kellye, give me that suction here.
Not doing too well, huh? Still not getting any air around the tube.
- Fractured larynx? - I don't know.
It didn't show up before.
- We better take some more pictures, huh? - Mmm.
Kellye, you want to call for a litter? - How are you around the larynx? - Tricky spot.
I wouldn't trust it to anyone but me.
We'll do it together.
And I want credit in your diary.
You still with me, kid? Let's get him into X-ray.
Doctor? Colonel.
- Rich, welcome back.
- You gave us quite a scare, son.
But fortunately for you, there was me.
You were on the table for two hours, minus his curtain calls.
- How is his airway? - So far, okay.
Rich, you had a fractured larynx.
That's what the problem was.
I'm gonna plug your tube, and I want you to talk very quietly and carefully.
Just a few words now.
Okay, talk.
[ Weak Whisper .]
Don't know what to say.
- You just spoke volumes.
- Loud and clear.
As if there were any doubt.
Good work, Pierce, although you never could have done it without me.
Congratulations, kid.
You're the talk of the town.
Uh, Colonel Potter, there's a very important phone call for you.
- Tell 'em to hold on, Radar.
- Uh, it's Mrs.
Colonel Potter, Colonel.
- Mildred calling me? - Uh, no, sir.
You called her.
- What? - It's okay, sir.
She understands.
I explained this is the first time in a week you had a chance to talk to her, so talk to her.
Colonel, wish her a belated happy anniversary for all of us, okay? I appreciate it, boys.
Remind me to make it up to everybody.
Nope.
This I won't forget.
- A gold star, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
- Hey, how's he doing? - Better.
I told ya.
Rich, I want to tell you something.
That operation we had to perform on you was tricky, and, uh I was a little worried.
When we were carrying you on that litter you-you gave me a look of confidence, and that, uh-- I just want you to know that helped a lot.
[ Raspy .]
Thank you.
[ Man Over p.
A.
.]
Attention.
Attention all personnel.
The night evac bus leaves for Seoul in one minute.
Immediate seating in the club car.
All aboard.
! Ah, Private Rich.
Been nothing but trouble from the minute he came in here.
- I'm glad he's leaving.
- It's smooth sailing from here on, son.
Evac hospital, Tokyo, then home to San Antone.
- Sounds too good, Colonel.
I'm going with him.
- So long, sirs.
Hey, hey.
What did I tell you? No unnecessary talking unless you meet a good-looking nurse.
- Take care, son.
- Let us know how everything turns out.
Have a nice life.
[ Engine Starts .]
We're going home! Well, how about it, buddy, huh? We made it! We made it! Yahoo!